522 PROLOGUE #1 PRECEDING HIGH SCHOOL STORIES

I spent the earliest part of the morning writing this train of thought on a pad of paper, which is always near me:

I wonder if you sense when different parts of my brain open to display a spectrum oftraits, exposing both sides of myself as a whole?

Please know that I developed an elephant tracking system during childhood
So many secrets had need of my sixth sense, standing onalert
I could use tracking help that may prove more objective than that which I conjureup on my own

Please know that I seek and appreciate your complicity in questing along with me

Actually when it comes to baring subconscious secrets, I’ve often alluded toneeding all the help I can get.

My ability to bare vulnerability is one of many strengths

Knowing myself as a natural plan maker, I wonder if this plan to dive in deep, together, may work foryou?  If so, it's important to remember that every plan has a glitch.  And intuition suggeststhat I run this glitch by you:

If you decide to swim along while I dive ever more deeply, I’ll answer whateveryou choose to ask as openly and honestly as my subconscious will allow.  However, it’s my m.o. to respond to whatever is asked of me about myself while remaining ultra protective about the privatelives of everyone else.  This is why people open up and trust me

Though this glitch of speaking only for myself will make our quest more of a challenge—my hands and tongue will remain tied if questions, concerning the private lives of others, are asked. If you know this as a given from the theget-go, hopefully your frustration while questing along side me will lessen.

So—are you game to dive in and swim deeper with me or do I ask too much?

By the way, my request for help is not intuition whispering—
The spirit of Socrates doth not hover near my ear
Plain and simple this is hope asking for your support
Why of you?
You keep showing up, so I figure you care and after having handled more than my fairshare of trouble, alone, my quest will feel less dark if we participate in a create-your-own-adventure, where ‘troubled memories’ may be detected on the road ahead…

One thing is as clear as day ...
I’ve been asking for help for most of my life ...
And knowing that my voice had often gone unheard
It stands to reason that ‘two’ heads, two voices, may be better than one
In fact, it seems likely that premonition of this request
Catalyzed my need to writethis blog.

If you wonder why others who love me can’t help me ... WellTheir brain quests proved different from mine
In fact, much of what I learned threatened their sense of self
And though others akin to me exist, I don’t know who they are—except for you—
And though you be more stranger to me than not—
Intuition says be trustful, Annie, and so I am
Why?
Because intrinsically, we're all connected
Meaning that you’ve not been a stranger to me nor I to you ...
Though my three musketeers do not fear diving deep
I shield them from feeling a need to dive into my dark side
For many reasons,most especially this one:
Like me, they forge ahead successfully, trusting in this fact:
Each of us continues to develop personal strengths necessary to carve a path
Where illusive goals are, day by day, attained.

So, if knowing how dark is a part of my mind
Your path still chooses to intersectwith mine
Then here are details that I feel free to reveal so far:
He, who’d harmed me is no longer a living threat.
The only one I’d have felt safe enough to tell would have been my Dad
I believe I did not tell Dad for this reason:
As a man of great passion, Dad would have killed the predator—
Asked questionslater—and I'd have had to visit him in prison for murder.

My instinct to protect the well being of my family—above my own—hadreason to be acquired at the highly impressionable age of three. Believing in my therapist knowing her stuff, I’ve been working to gain insight into recovering from more than one post traumatic experience, one of which occurred during theearly stage of a child's personality development.  When secrets are forgot, contradicting traitsare acquired and imprinted into the brain of bright, cheerful tots.  Overmuch of my life, I’ve made good use of humor to save my nerves from feeling toofrazzled to function in the organized manner that steadies me, every day …

On the one hand, terrifying experiences, early on, injure a child’s selfesteem.  On the other, I’ve always loved being me, rather thananyone else, for this reason:

Though living in a house filled with secrets undermined my self-trust, I felt deeply lovedby one and all and that proved my salvation.  In this way does love serve as a sheltering tree during storms.

In order to cope as a child, my defensive system erased much of the conscious memory of the frightenedlittle girl within.

Today, I embrace that frightened little girl as much as the well-favoredchild.  In fact I do more than embrace her—I value and champion her.  In place of causing a ruckus, she lost her voice and played nice.

While penning this on a pad of paper, early in the day, tears flowed freely
While pounding each word into my keyboard I flood with a strong sense of the surreal

When I push send, I’ll feel peaceful within

Each time I write a post as deep as this …
The idea of pushing send makes me stop to wonder what the heck I’m doing
On the other hand, I’ve never consciously taken myself or anyone I care aboutto a bad place
So push send I do and peace descends.

This intuitive sense of trust that I’ve placed in us both feels as stronglyplanted in fertile soil as the powerful tree that stands deeply rooted in frontof the house of my youth.  Please close your eyes and breathe in the powerof my tree.  Picture a tree, standing so tall in front of a twostory house, that you can't fathom its growing so high in the sky. Now—imagine it even taller than that with a trunk so wide that thescope of my tree's power is all encompassing …
Imagine a tree so astounding for real.

Know that I long to shower you with high school stories
And with my sunny side—
My cup overflowing side—
My favorite side—

Know that all of this is bound to show up in my blog—in good time
Know how I long to describe why I thrive inside myself—despite the existence of an unnerving secret, which my subconscious has not yet revealed to me
Please know that I can’t fathom anyone asking for more of my dark side,so if you ride side kick, my gratitude will be as genuine as can be

Know that these dark experiences did not just take place, once, twice, thrice
My therapist suggests my experiencing visceral memories,which catalyze unshed tears in lieu of detai—becausemy conscious mind disassociated from that which I could not handle—And so that coping mechanism suggests that as far as I knew, ‘I was not there’.  This sense of non existence enabled mypsyche to endure whatever had overwhelmed a child during moments too terrorizingto bear.

I don’t know if you’ll understand this ... but everything I’ve written, todaywill relate to stories from high school as they pour out,one by one.

Given time, I hope you’ll see me less like a loony-tune Lucy more like of aflyfisherwoman, trying to catch an illusive fish, swimming beneath thesurface of conscious awareness, waiting to be caught …

Though this secret pains me—this not knowing how to reach the key to my release—is the pain that precedes gain.

I wonder if you can sense which of my words convey release of a smile, a laugh,a tear or a tease?  There is something about our continuing connection that releasesevery private place in me—naturally, and maybe it's that sense of release that feeds my belief in your helping me to find the key to the mystery within my history.

At any rate, this much I know for sure:
Somehow your presence strengthens me ...
I never saw myself as warrior, but today, I do
Though I may need to disappear now and then as life insists …

With time you’ll feel assured that nothing shuts me up forlong!
Your flyfisherwoman friend,
Annie