YESTERYEAR’S OVERWHELMING GRIEF AND PTSD

 Yesterday, during an insightful session, via FaceTime, with my therapist, I was made aware of the fact that much of what I tell myself is anxiety may actually be the arousal of an overwhelming sense of grief, based in a trauma, suffered during early childhood.  And anything that remotely resembles the terrifying nature of that early childhood experience, today, will trigger my basic instinct to stimulate that latent sense of unnamed terror to emerge from subconscious repression, thus hot wiring my youthful reaction to my current emotional reaction, indicating an attack of PTSD.

You see, as a small child, I’d experienced sound reason to live in a constant state of anxiety, my only sense of personal safety experienced when my father returned, each evening, from work.  And thus, the depths of today’s latent sense of overwhelming grief is based in whatever has aroused subconscious memory of yesteryear’s loss of my inner peace and peace of mind, which, as you may remember from a previous post, are not defined as one and the same.  More about that difference, tomorrow, because this question just came to mind—

Will this slice of information concerning latent uprisings of yesteryear’s overwhelming sense of grief stop stimulating my anxiety to spike, today?  We’ll just have to wait snd see.

On the other hand, the fact that knowledge is power encourages my sense of positive focus to fill my mind with hope.👩🏻🌷

🚣‍♀️Annie

A QUARTET OF INNER STRENGTHS

 Positive focus

Hope

Patience

Calling forth this trio of well practiced inner strengths and then picturing myself braiding them together will hopefully offer my mental stamina a strongly bonded sense of peace of mind though I know full well that My Fixer can do nothing to stave off this current attack of COVID from running rampant through home after home.

What My Fixer can do is to keep me at home with Will in hopes that this current storm of COVID will pass over my newly repaired Ark.

For example, groceries, ordered on line, yesterday, will be delivered to our front door between ten and noon, today.

BTW—Did you catch the subtle change in my mindset as seen in yesterday’s post?  Rather than hoping that my loved ones do not catch COVID, my hope suggests that if COVID does invade their good health, the attack is mild.

This exemplifies my intuitive choice to change my original attitude at least enough to accept whatever is taking place throughout the world, today—as long as my personal sense of disaster is not imminent.  Bottom line, I’ve found that each subtle change for the better in terms of the elasticity of my mindset helps to lessen the frequency of sudden spikes of anxiety.

Each time I think to refortify my sense of positive focus with a hopeful abundance of patience, guess what strengthens?

My connection to courage, thus rounding out the quartet of inner strengths, which, upon harmonizing soothingly together, are naturally calming.

And here’s why I know that today’s post was penned by the courage of of my conviction—

This post was actually written yesterday morning, and though COVID continues to surge throughout the world and Barry, Tony, Steven and Ravi remain unwell, my quartet of inner strengths held anxiety at bay throughout the entire day.

👩🏻Annie (I thought you might like to know that the absence of a smiling emoji reflects the serious nature of this pandemic as we all await the first glimmer of light, brightening our hopes that the end of this tunnel will actually, one day, be clearly sighted)

MY ARK SPRUNG A LEAK

 “Sometimes you had to embrace the fact that not everything was as it seemed, even inside yourself. Accept it. Learn to live with it.”

Excerpt From The Postmistress of Paris by Meg Waite Clayton

The truth of the matter is my Ark must have sprung a leak.

I’m feeling anxious, today.  If truth be told, Monday and Tuesday, as well.

On Sunday (the day that Barry and his family had planned to drive here from CA) we answered a FaceTime call from Barry, early evening, telling us that he’d tested positive for Covid (caught from a child, who’d slept at their house, last Thursday).

Thank goodness, we’d listened to my anxiety, alerting me to make the hard decision to postpone Barry’s plan to enjoy spending time with us while Tony and Ray are on winter break from school.  Seriously, it’s not easy to tell when anxiety is on the mark and when anxiety is just hanging around awaiting disaster for too long a time.👩🏻

So far, Barry, who has been quarantining in his master bedroom (allowing Marie, Tony and Ray to move freely throughout the rest of their house), feels like he has a bad cold.  Hopefully, the fact that our son has been boostered will keep his case of covid on the mild side.

I’m calling upon The Fixer, who can’t fix my family but, hopefully, can plug the leak in my Ark while I re-stoke my mind with positive focus so as to throw today’s negatively focused anxiety over board.  As this endeavor is easier said than done—Wish me luck!

Annie     PS  We just learned that Tony has tested positive for COVID, too.  Marie and Ray, who’d tested negative, yesterday, will be tested, again, on Thursday.

Understandably, eleven years old Tony is angry that COVID is messing with his winter vacation.  If quarantining is hard on adults, just imagine frustration building up with no positive outlet on the part of active youngsters. 

What a mess it is—living during this abnormal time of COVID with no end in sight—as of yet ….

Remember how often I’d written about the importance of mustering (mastering) patience?

Though patience is hard to call forth after having waited two years for this deadly illness to burn itself out, here’s why I’ll work toward elevating my level of patience with quarantining while this highly contagious new variant is warring against the good health of millions:  If my decision (concerning adjusting a positive change within my current mindset) will lessen the level of my anxiety then working toward that end is worth my conscious effort to do whatever it takes to maintain (or regain) my peace of mind.

As for, right now, we ‘ll just have to ‘wait and see’ if today’s insight-driven, positively focused intuitive train of thought serves to plug the leak in my Ark …once again—maintaining control over spikes of anxiety is not an easy task, so while I remain hopeful that none of my loved ones comes down with a case of COVID so serious as to require hospitalization, please wish me luck with mastering the patience to lessen my current level of anxiety while waiting to see what develops—or not👩🏻

REFUELING THE ARK, EVERY DAY

As I pen today’s post, David’s back in LA after a loving ten day stay, which suggests my need to remind myself how blessed Will and I prove to be to have three grown sons, three grandchildren and each other to love, cherish and hold close to our hearts as, yet again, this pandemic continues to surge, making quarantining necessary, based in my physical vulnerabilities, until such time as this highly contagious new strain of COVID burns itself out—so says my fervent hope!

As you can see, my intuitive voice is guiding the conscious portion of my mind to appreciate that which I feel so fortunate to have so as to buoy my spirit rather than watching it sadden and collapse with thoughts of missing my sons flooding my think tank with an attitude of negativity, which (along with premature anxiety) is not allowed to stowaway on my self conceived Ark, which, being fueled with positive focus, keeps my mind occupied with intuitive trains of thought, sailing toward calm waters where a mindful sense of peacefulness awaits my arrival, again and again.

Who knew that regaining peace of mind during taxing times would demand so much effort on the part of my thought processor, day after day?

Thank goodness, my intuitive powers guide me to write down my thoughts or else tidbits of classic wisdom would surely slip away.

Fortunately, upon posting each hopeful, positively focused train of thought to my blog, the conscious portion of my mind can revisit sound reasons for feeling grateful (most especially while quarantining) for every blessing that’s associated with keeping in touch with family and friends, both near and far via FaceTime, Zoom, phoning, texting, Facebook —and that’s especially true of my feeling blessed to know that Will, who’s in the living room engaging with football, is so close as to enjoy my hugs and kisses, every day, as much as I feel eager to receive the same heartfelt devotion that my loving husband bestows freely unto me.

And as this morning’s intuitive train of thought has buoyed my spirit, yet again, I hope to train my mind to remain on this insight-driven sunlit path where stepping stones, made of love, lead me forward as the remainder of today unfolds, minute by minute, hour by hour, until the bewitching hour is upon us, and Will and I fall asleep, side by side, some part of one touching the other, until the desert sun awakens us to open our eyes (and our minds) to welcome yet another dewy tomorrow, anew …

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

AN ARK IN THE MAKING

Each time I remind myself that anxiety spikes to alert me that I feel threatened by a near and present danger (which may not be closing in, because reality suggests that my mind, flooding with fear, can jumpstart my imagination to conjure up a danger that’s not yet taking place) mental tension, squeezing my think tank into a negatively focused mindset, begins to subside at least enough so that my thought processor expands as though to accommodate a positively focused insight, which serves to soothe my basic survival instinct’s urgency to save my life from impending disaster once I can see that whatever I’m fearing is not actually appearing.  Whew!

As my survival instinct retreats and logical thought patterns return, my brain stops flooding with adrenalin (which readies all of me to fight, flee or freeze with immediacy).  Once logical thought patterns are no longer drowning in adrenalin, my intuitive voice is freed to inform the conscious portion of my mind that I am NOT actually facing imminent danger.

The fact that I am NOT in imminent danger of succumbing to COVID suggests that my basic survival instinct was in need of retreating as soon as I’d chosen to protect myself from possible harm by way of cocooning, again. Had my basic survival instinct retreated with immediacy, my think tank would have heard my power of intuition whispering this mind soothing message of deeper truth into my ear days earlier than, today:

Annie, you are not alone with your fear of COVID.  Millions of fully vaccinated, boostered people are, like you, in need of an Ark that will save your smarts from drowning in premature fear.

Your decision to quarantine seriously, again, is wise, highlighting the fact that, given time for a smooth transition, all of the many me’s who vie for space inside your think tank will, once again, agree to silence the cacophony of their voices so as to place your Power of Intuition firmly in charge of your thought processor, suggesting that as spikes of anxiety lessen, peace of mind concerning your sense of safety will, once again, occupy most of your brain space.

On the upside, Friday saw us enjoying Ravi for about two hours that flew by.

Then David and I (mostly David) deleted everything from my old IPhone, and though I did next to nothing, the mere thought of keeping up to date with today’s rapidly changing technology felt so complex as to dizzy my mind.

I’ve also been stressing over the fact that Steven has felt unwell for more than a month.  And my stress has compounded by the fact of our having come so close to enjoying Barry, Marie, Tony and Ray only to see this upsurge of COVID capsize our plans to be together on our patio from Sunday-Wednesday.  And the fact that we’ve not been together since July, makes me miss my son and his family all the more.

Right before all of these stressors caused my mental energy to burn out, I envisioned the aforementioned Ark  (so spacious as to be refuge for millions of fully vaccinated boostered families) floating above all of the negatively focused worries that disturb peace of mind. And each time I feel anxiety on the rise, I picture myself throwing that irritating little varmint overboard, knowing that my imagination conjured up this Ark to keep everyone on board— inclusive of me—safe from drowning in an ocean of premature fear—

The fact that I’m cocooning, again, suggests that my smarts are coaching my survival instinct to stop ringing bells of alarm between my ears as though to alert me of a near and present danger that is not yet closing in.  Enough already!  Reality is reality—and yet—

I can see nothing wrong with turning down the volume of fear-based emotional uprisings messing around inside my head by stirring a dollop of fantasy into today’s insight-driven train of thought in hopes that my vision of a gently rocking Ark will lull the caged tiger, repressed deep within my mind, to sleep—ala the Life of Pi

Whew! 

I also believe that my creation of a well constructed Ark (fortified with well practiced inner strengths—hope, positive focus and creativity being just three of many) is going to come in mighty handy whenever I need to encourage myself to sail smoothly over my fears of family and friends contracting COVID while numbers are, once again, surging, And with thoughts of ‘our’ anxiety soothing Ark in mind, I’d like to wish everyone a happy, healthy, free spirited, safely masked, holiday with hopes that as more of us consent to being vaccinated, COVID will not run so rampant through home after home once we ring out the old year and welcome a return to good health sometime in 2022.

BTW—If you’re rolling your eyes at my folly, you must remember this:  In the absence of positively focused hopes, our anxieties would steer The Ark astray—and you can bet your 401K on the fact that that’s not about to happen on my watch!

So if you’ve been fully vaccinated and boostered then

Welcome aboard!🚣‍♀️

Annie

SO, HERE’S MY NEW HOPE

Though my new hope is partially based in conjecture, the portion conjured up by my imagination is paired with factual information suggesting my hope makes more sense than not—

I hope that the COVID virus is in the process of burning itself out—sooner rather than later, and here’s my reasoning:

Though it’s true that each variant of the COVID virus has become more contagious than the last, it’s also true that each next variant proves less lethal more mild in nature.  Therefore, with that fact in mind concerning each next variant becoming more mild, conjecture concerning my hope of this virus burning itself out, over time, makes more sense than not.

As writing today’s train of thought has offered my survival instinct sound reason to calm down, an intuitive insight made its way into the conscious portion of my mind, resulting in the spontaneous  retreat of darkly shadowed, negatively focused spikes of anxiety, freeing my think tank to ask: Which of the many me’s who occupy my brain space do you think is in charge of my thought processor, right now?

And while speaking of a positively focused character trait such as hope, we can add kindness, warm spirited generosity and, compassionate camaraderie into the mix being that I’m about to wish everyone who’s celebrating Christmas, today, with family and friends a loving holiday that’s memorable in every positively focused way.

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

WHO’S IN CHARGE?

Who do you think remains in charge of my brain’s thought processor, today?

I’ll give you a hint:

Ravi is here, and while she plays happily with her beloved Uncle Scott, I can be seen posting to my blog, because writing calms my mind when anxiety raises it’s worried little head. 

So with that hint in mind— Which of the many me’s who vie for control over my current state of mind do you think remains in charge of my brain’s thought processor, today?

The answer to today’s riddle is: my survival instinct, which suggests that I’m in need of reviving The Serenity Prayer in hopes of calming spikes of anxiety at least enough to listen for the sage advice of my intuitive voice.

👩🏻Annie