NO TALKING WHILE WALKING

Yesterday, after David drove in from the coast, I decided to walk outside on the sidewalk behind our patio.  This is the farthest I’ve been able to walk since my most recent surgery in July.

Will and David, flanking me on both sides, held my hands.  Just for love.

Once we arrived back at our house, I told my husband, for the hundredth time, how amazingly lucky I am to feel so loved.

Will replied, I’m the lucky one to have you.  (This, after taking care of me for three years.)

Will, you have no idea how much it means to me to feel so loved instead of being a burden.  Then, after sitting on the ottoman in the family room to ease my breathing, I returned to my bed, thinking to rest and read.

I can’t walk and talk, because my intake of oxygen lessens, leaving me light-headed.  Knowing this, father and son were seen exhaling in an exaggerated manner in hopes of encouraging me to do the same, because the more CO2 I exhale, the greater my lung’s capacity for inhaling oxygen, and as my left lung has not yet assumed the ability to do the work of two, my ability to breath evenly while walking (no talking) is taxing. 

Afterward, while I was napping, Will let me know that Sherry and Mickey were on the patio.  I knew they were coming.  I did not know I’d fallen asleep.

After we said our goodbyes, they met Jessica at a restaurant before driving their rented car to the airport where they boarded a plane headed toward their home in the Midwest, and they do not expect to return for at least three months.

Yesterday, Will ordered our entire Thanksgiving feast with all the trimmings from a restaurant, near by, which has won my trust to prepare each dish to ‘my satisfaction’.  Needless to say that means my expectations have lowered in hopes of not feeling disappointed when my family sits down for dinner.  Over these past 47 years, all of our traditional home made holiday feasts had been beyond delicious. 

Will is determined to roll out and fry potato knishes as we’ve done ever since moving from the Midwest to the southwestern desert, over 45 years ago, and he has all the fixings for our traditional sweet potato casserole, as well.  Since apple pie (my favorite) accompanies the dinner, ordered by Will, we’ll get a huge pumpkin pie from Cosco, which Will and David favor over apple.

We three have agreed to enjoy a jovial time with Jessica as our only guest, because our friends plan to celebrate with their families, and the rest of our family cannot come into our house until Ravi, Tony, Ray—and Marie have been fully vaccinated.

As to celebrating with our cousins, I won’t feel safe inside a house with so many who will have just flown in from the airport.  And so, in the interest of fun and safety, our extended family has decided to meet at a park on Sunday morning, following Thanksgiving.

Ravi’s seventh (outdoor) birthday party is planned on Saturday of that very same weekend.  And the first lighting of a Chanukah candle will be celebrated on Sunday evening, after we’ve enjoyed all twenty-five of our cousins in the park.  I’m sure my walker (with a seat) will accompany me, being that a walk in the park may be more challenging than walking on the sidewalk behind my house.

Having lined up all of these activities inside my head—it’s apparent that our holiday weekend will offer up much more than I’d originally expected.

Last night, Will, David and I met up with Andi and Michael on the patio at Blanco, a Mexican restaurant, nearby, where I’d eagerly ordered a Cadillac margarita with a float of Grand Marnier followed by toasting to everyone’s good health!  L’Chiam!

With hopes that your day is going well …

🙋🏻‍♀️😊🍸Annie

LOVE CONVEYS EVERYTHING THAT REMAINS UNSAID

When the unspoken topic at hand is heart-wrenching grief, lengthy periods of worry, depths of disillusionment or any combination of that trio of heavy, dark spirited emotional reactions aroused by whatever life has unfairly metted out, so much is left unsaid whenever we’re with our loved ones that it’s obvious that we’re each doing our best to make our way, day by day, through a deeply distressing time for a variety of reasons.  And each time we express our love for each other, everything else we want to say (that gets stuck behind a knot in our throats) is intuitively conveyed, though we may remain at a loss for words.

Actually, I’m having a down spirited kind of day.  So tired of feeling unwell and short of breath, which makes everything I do an effort.

So, rather than moping, I decided to shake up my sense of inertia in hopes that by getting something done, my flagging spirit might experience lift off.

With so many spots throughout our house in need of cleaning out and tidying up, Will helped me to re-organize the table top where a variety of materials associated with Ravi’s love of arts and crafts have been in need of ‘keeping, donating or tossing’.  And now, for the first time in two years, I can look at Ravi’s little corner of our family room with a sense of a job well done.

Believe me when I say that nothing short of self motivated determination fueled my spirit’s engine, today.  Over these past two years, with all of my energy aimed at survival, my natural neat-nut’s connection to tidy organization was on hiatus.  And though my spirit feels sick of feeling sick, perhaps my current need to confront how much these past three years have sucked is meant to alert me to the fact that a small portion of my mental and physical energy feels able to concentrate on living, which is quite different from surviving.

Something to consider …❤️.

👩🏻Annie

PS 

Though my spirit may not be soaring, today’s intuitive train of thought has offered me sound reason to feel better, this afternoon, than was true, this morning.

1 DIPLOMACY/SELF AWARENESS/CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Guess what, dear friend?

I just returned home from meeting with dear friends for a late lunch on the patio adjacent to a well groomed Golf Club.  The weather was lovely and dining on breakfast foods while gazing over gently rolling greens was relaxing.  However, here’s the insight that lit up inside my mind, which had most assuredly relaxed my sense of cautious inner tension while riding in the car toward our destination:  Before I can make my needs known clearly, calmly and non-defensively to anyone else, I need to stop giving (subconscious) mixed messages to MYSELF!

Once that insight brightened a dark spot inside my mind, my spirit flew free of feeling trapped in the past, and in addition to thoroughly enjoying our late lunch/brunch, here’s why I just experienced another huge sigh of relief, suggesting my inner need to release additional  tension so as to offer my peace of mind sound reason to fully relax:  I’ve just decided to stop bullying myself.  You see, no matter how many times I hear—Annie, you can’t ruminate (even subconsciously) over the magnitude of your loved ones’ problems when the main focus of your low level of energy must concentrate on getting well, yourself—my intuitive voice replies—easier said than done, because by this late stage of life, my mind is hard wired to ‘fixate’ upon that very thing.

Aha! says I to my intuitive voice—tis time for me to identify the fact that The Fixer has re-emerged from deep within my brain, and she’s been bullying me to involve my mind in brainstorming toward creative solutions when deeper truth suggests that all I can do is to listen compassionately to whatever may be distressing my friends and family without absorbing the depths of each one’s distress as my own.  In short, my over active connection to empathy has, once again, been gnawing at my peace of mind.

Yet again, I have all of the puzzle pieces heaped inside my processor but haven’t yet fit them together in order to see the bigger picture.  Once the bigger picture emerges in 3D, I’ll give thanks for having placed my faith in my intuitive powers, which guide me toward seeking strings of insights that empower my mind to express my unmet needs in a mutually respectful voice so as to initiate a discussion that proves non combative.  You see, only a control freak would focus upon arguing a point of view with family and friends until a debate frazzles everyone’s brain.  As for me, I’ve worked consciously to develop a respectful voice that takes a stance to ensure that my needs and those of my loved ones are not scrambled and then trampled by a person whose personal sense of safety depends upon his or her temper grabbing control over anxious reactions, all around.  In short, that kind of leader bullies loved ones into fearing the loud bluster of a thundering voice while flashes of lightening blaze forth from a pair of riveting eyes until everyone who remains actively engaged in this senseless struggle for power bows down to accept the bully’s decrees.

And here comes another insight that makes sense, universally:  

All too often, we are unaware of those times when our own subconscious sense of manipulation is so subtle as to bully certain loved ones, just as, all too often, we are unaware of which loved ones are bullying us so subtly as to defensively declare himself/herself innocent and outraged if the voice of an eye witness declares us guilty of abusing the vulnerabilities of a person who has not yet gained insight into his/her need of consciously working toward conflict resolution by way of developing a self respecting, non combative, diplomatic voice.

If you wonder why today’s train of thought concerns power struggles, so did I—until I came to see that my intuitive powers have been guiding my conscious mind to identify the subtlety with which a loved one has been power struggling with me …

👩🏻Annie

SUBTLE MIND GAMES THAT NICE PEOPLE DON’T KNOW THEY PLAY

With snow bird friends and family in town, my week has felt complicated, as love, tension, frustration, compassion and grief feel like a crunchy mix of confusion revolving around inside my head.  And as any extended state of confusion feels ‘unsafe’, I’ve anxiously been subconsciously navigating my way, very cautiously, through identifying mind games that ALL people play, concerning, who’s in charge of decisions that are clearly mine to make.

Having gained insight into mind games initiated by dear friends and family who cannot  acknowledge much less respect my boundaries (so strong is their need to assume control over all), frees my smarts to set a goal of my own:

Rather than feeling put upon, drained and exhausted, I’ve been on the alert to remain focused upon maintaining a quiet sense of self respectful assertiveness so as not to be suddenly voiceless whenever a force of nature offers up a mixed message, which ultimately ignores my clearly expressed, personal needs.

Wow!  Hopefully, having consciously identified this insight-driven awareness, my personal sense of peaceful repose will be restored no matter how subtly a control freak attempts to unseat my intuitive sense of balance, yet again.  Though it’s far from easy to be at the top of my game (concerning seeking insight driven awareness) when I’ve been unwell for more than two years, that plan continues to serve me well, again and again.

Off the top of my head, my primary goal is to continue to express my needs so clearly, calmly and lovingly as to maintain a personal stance without offending anyone whose defense system can dish it out but can’t graciously accept anything that whispers of an opposing opinion, suggesting my making use of ‘I messages’ and large dollops of heartfelt patience each time a mixed message pops out of  a loved one’s mouth.

With thanks to my dear friend Susan for making me consciously aware of my need to clarify my primary goal (which is to do my best to keep the peace while maintaining my position (and my friendships), it’s highly unlikely that I’ll feel drained, or exhausted, because with insight spotlighting my chosen path, I’ve already relieved my mind of lugging around a confounding weight.  You see, with growth in self awareness concerning my need of clarity, no one can bully me, ever so subtly, without my permission.

Bottom line, I’m determined to make good use of diplomacy while relaxing with beloved family and treasured friends, many of whom have grown older and thus feel as crunchy headed as is true of me   🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

A GENDER BENDER: BALLSY OR BITCHY

I once read that Barbra Streisand had said:

People who don’t love people are the luckiest people in the world—suggesting a time in her professional life when disillusionment with those who had injured her spirit’s self esteem so deeply as to leave her heart feeling cut to the quick until repressed rage escaped from subconscious suppression at which time she was mocked for angrily asserting herself, and whereas a man would have been declared self respecting to the point of being ballsy, Barbra was labeled a bitch …

Though I love many people, liking people is a whole other story.

In fact, I’ve come to believe that we are meant to meet lots of people in order to truly appreciate the depths of our love, admiration and gratitude for those who prove so good natured when the going gets rough as to remain courageously kindhearted no matter what they’ve been dealt.

👩🏻Annie

AGING: ACCEPTING MY OWN ADVICE

On Friday night, Will and I enjoyed dinner on Wally’s patio (a neighborhood restaurant) with Andi and Mike.  My niece, Jessica, came, too.  Jess has enjoyed so many holidays with our dear friends at our house over so many years that she asked to see them.  In fact, Jess had personally asked them to attend Shawn’s funeral.

Ravi had been ill, this week.  Thankfully, she felt well enough to return to school on Friday and received her first vaccination against Covid on Saturday, at which time Steven and Celina received their boosters.  In five weeks time (soon after her seventh birthday), our sweet grand daughter will happily walk into her Gramma and Papa’s home and receive our warm hugs for the first time since April when I had need of repeating chemo followed by lung surgery, again.

Though early this morning, on my way from my bed to the bathroom, I experienced a few moments of disorientation that actually saw me ‘crashing into walls’ (indicating a sudden drop in my blood pressure, depriving my brain of oxygen), today is proving to be my calmest day of the week.  Perhaps my appointment with Gary on Tuesday (which may have inspired my intuition to write about my growing awareness concerning my need to more thoroughly accept limitations that have accompanied my aging process, thus prolonging the length of my recovery from life threatening illness.

Many times while writing heartfelt posts, I find that upon review, my intuition is actually speaking to me …

I’ve been spending the last several days with characters created by Anne Tyler.  Amazing how her storylines are so different from each other.  Having spent considerable time, over these past two years, binging on authors who are considered excellent writers, upon reading  several of their novels, one after another, I find their use of vocabulary limited and descriptions of main characters’ traits tending toward redundancy.  Not so with Tyler.  The lives of her characters are so quirky as to demonstrate the depths of her insight into what makes us ‘individuals’.  No wonder why she won The Pulitzer …

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

AGING: A NICKLE’S WORTH OF ADVICE

 At 77 years of age, a dear friend, a therapist no less, continues to work herself half to death.  She admits to fearing retirement.  I am trying, she says.  But it’s hard.

My question for her consideration:

💖Why all or nothing?💖

How about, each month, cutting back an hour a day, and see how that goes🙂🔆🌻

 As you would tell me—change is hard.  So is accepting advanced age.  Right now, change and advanced age are one and the same.  Maybe you’re afraid of what retirement suggests in terms of this fourth stage of life.  

Working like crazy doesn’t stop this fourth stage of life from knocking at your door.  The truth of the matter is, the door has already opened, and we’ve already walked through it 👩🏼‍❤️‍👩🏻

If you can imagine yourself having walked through that door, where all of us are welcoming you to relax and embrace these golden years while your good health remains intact, fear may relax, creating space in your mind for seeds of gratitude concerning your good health to feel self-nourished enough to ripen. 👩🏼‍❤️‍👩🏻

Let’s consider this deeper truth:  You can’t TRY to reduce your working hours.😘

Each month, you can CHOOSE to work one hour less a day or not.  Month by month, the choice is yours 👩🏼‍❤️‍👩🏻

My dear friend’s response:  You speak the truth. I need to listen❤️ 

My closing thoughts:

If you feel younger and healthier after working to exhaustion then I’ll close my stand for today and go hassle Charlie Brown🙋🏻‍♀️😘

We can’t TRY to pick up a pencil.  We CHOOSE to pick it up or we don’t.

🙋🏻‍♀️🌈🔆🌻Annie