Now that my wearied immune system has successfully won its wrestling match with the most miserable strain of flu virus that I can remember, followed by duking it out with a bronchial bacterial infection, here is what subdued the dizziness that resulted as a complication of battling two serious infections for the price of one:
Exhausted of energy, my immune system could not reduce healthy bacteria, which naturally reside within my throat as they munch away at flakes of dead cellular material, and upon multiplying, non stop, their overpopulation began to migrate into my bronchi. Thank goodness, I returned to my internist’s office the very first day that every inhalation of air caused my chest to feel painfully constricted; otherwise an over-production of bacteria would have surely developed into pneumonia.
I can’t remember ever feeling as ill as had been true over these past few weeks, suggesting why I can’t imagine how my body’s compromised immune system would have mustered the energy necessary to overcome pneumonia had I silenced my self-assertive voice instead of proactively calling to make that second appointment with my doctor, stat. Upon examining me that same afternoon, my internist commending my judgement call and handed me a Z-Pak, which, over the next five days, managed to overpower the overwhelming production of bacteria, which, like an infectious army on the march, advancing from throat through brachial tubes, was on its way toward launching a full out invasion of my lungs.
Once that Z-Pak powered up, the build up of bacteria waved the white flag, saving my depressed immune system from battling pneumonia, leaving me to ponder upon this question, which riddled my intelligence: Once my energy had time to recoup, why did dizziness persist? That puzzlement prompted a third doctor’s appointment.
During this third visit to the doctor, my internist answered in the affirmative when I asked if an inner ear complication might be dizzying my equilibrium. Upon examining me, my Eustachian tubes were found to be so irritated by congestion as to swell with inflammation, forming pockets within which fluid retention caused intermittent sensations of inner ear dizziness to develop and persist. In order to heal and reduce swollen pockets of inflammation, asap, a burst of prednisone, to be taken in decreasing amounts over a period of eight days, was prescribed so as to restore my lost sense of inner ear equilibrium once fluid retained had naturally drained.
In addition to the fact that my last dose of this steroid will be taken tomorrow, Celina’s recovery from an abominable hysterectomy is cruising forward uneventfully while the nanny, hired proactively by Steven to tend to Ravi’s daily needs, offers his family of three peace of mind. As to Will, I’ve taken the liberty of conferring an invisible medal for above-and-beyond-care-giving-valor upon my husband, who, having tended to my needs over these past five weeks, has changed hats from nursing cap to golf cap, and now that everyone’s spirit is experiencing sound reason to enjoy change for the better, all around, our family circus feels eager to embrace good health as plans begin to unfold, offering each of us visions of good times, brimming with fun ‘neath the desert’s warm winter sun.☔️⚡️🌈☀️😊
Sunday, February 11, 2018
Saturday, February 10, 2018
INTUITIVE POTENTIAL TO PURSUE A SPECIFIC QUEST FOR KNOWLEDGE EXISTS WITHIN YOUR BRAIN AND MINE
So here’s the last insight that I did not have time to offer up at the end of Thursday’s Post: The conscious portion of my mind did not compose that Post. That train of thought was dictated to my conscious mind by my brain’s intuitive powers, which emerge from within the depths of my ‘old’ soul, and I have no more clue as to when that will next happen. next, any more than the conscious portion of a scientist’s mind can truly understand how his/her brain developed its inner ability to ‘know’ how to participate in the complex construction of a rocketship that can track a direct path from earth to moon and back without blowing up the courageous astronauts, whose belief in the scientific powers of the human brain choose to develop a frame of mind so expansive in nature as to guide their team to believe in their safe passage toward and back from outer space in celebration of humankind’s monumental achievements with family, friends, and colleagues, thus inspiring the courageous side of human nature to continue to fire up the long range goals of future generations so that each of today’s step by step achievements in every walk of life will continue to create change for the better throughout the world, at large. Seriously, mankind could only dream of flying above the ground a little more than one hundred years ago, which is why considering the reality of Buck Rogers actually jet streaming into outer space is mind blowing astounding ...
Wikipedia:
The Wright Flyer (often retrospectively referred to as Flyer I or 1903 Flyer) was the first successful heavier-than-air powered aircraft. It was designed and built by the Wright brothers. They flew it four times on December 17, 1903, near Kill Devil Hills, about four miles south of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, US.
In addition to following intuitive direction, dictating today’s stream of conscious thought to flow out of my brain’s depths of DNA memory, where an accumulation of knowledge has been stored (I’ll have little conscious comprehension of what was written intuitively until I reread my own words), you might choose to join me in rereading Thursday’s Post for this reason: Before my intuitive powers composed today’s post, that molecular, magical portion of my brain, which is mentally much wiser than the Annie, whom I believe myself to be, added insights to that previous post, which your conscious awareness may see as being as inspirational as was true of my conscious mind in terms of deepening our understanding as to why each individual’s personal need to embrace emotional growth spurts, which prove so soulfully profound as to alert our intelligence to decide to review insights added more than once, are necessary if we are to experience attitudinal changes for the better, most especially as advanced age awaits our arrival more quickly than the conscious mind can believe ...
And having clarified my belief that my power of intuitive thought conspires with my old soul’ to direct my conscious mind to write posts concerning my philosophy of life, the Annie with whom I am consciously acquainted is feeling well enough to leave my house in favor of enjoying a lot of fun outside, neath the warmth of the desert’s winter sun with Will, Steven and Ravi after nearly five weeks of home bound illness, so all I feel need to say before bidding you good day for now is—Hooray! It’s great to feel so physically re-energized and spiritually fully alive as to gratefully enjoy each healthy day of the rest of my life along with every other blessing that may be mine to celebrate with family and friends while my birthdays seem to flash by at such a mentally excelerating, dizzying pace as to defy belief ...
Wikipedia:
The Wright Flyer (often retrospectively referred to as Flyer I or 1903 Flyer) was the first successful heavier-than-air powered aircraft. It was designed and built by the Wright brothers. They flew it four times on December 17, 1903, near Kill Devil Hills, about four miles south of Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, US.
In addition to following intuitive direction, dictating today’s stream of conscious thought to flow out of my brain’s depths of DNA memory, where an accumulation of knowledge has been stored (I’ll have little conscious comprehension of what was written intuitively until I reread my own words), you might choose to join me in rereading Thursday’s Post for this reason: Before my intuitive powers composed today’s post, that molecular, magical portion of my brain, which is mentally much wiser than the Annie, whom I believe myself to be, added insights to that previous post, which your conscious awareness may see as being as inspirational as was true of my conscious mind in terms of deepening our understanding as to why each individual’s personal need to embrace emotional growth spurts, which prove so soulfully profound as to alert our intelligence to decide to review insights added more than once, are necessary if we are to experience attitudinal changes for the better, most especially as advanced age awaits our arrival more quickly than the conscious mind can believe ...
And having clarified my belief that my power of intuitive thought conspires with my old soul’ to direct my conscious mind to write posts concerning my philosophy of life, the Annie with whom I am consciously acquainted is feeling well enough to leave my house in favor of enjoying a lot of fun outside, neath the warmth of the desert’s winter sun with Will, Steven and Ravi after nearly five weeks of home bound illness, so all I feel need to say before bidding you good day for now is—Hooray! It’s great to feel so physically re-energized and spiritually fully alive as to gratefully enjoy each healthy day of the rest of my life along with every other blessing that may be mine to celebrate with family and friends while my birthdays seem to flash by at such a mentally excelerating, dizzying pace as to defy belief ...
Thursday, February 8, 2018
AWAKENED WITH SPECIFIC INSIGHTS CONCERNING MY PERSONAL NEED TO DEFINE INNER PEACE
So—what awakened me at 5am?
This next string of insights, which served to
Deepen my processor’s conscious absorption of
My intuitive need to differentiate between
Peace of mind and inner peace
Whereas my definition of peace of mind references
Relaxing the conscious portion of my brain of tension by
Way of combining creativity with logic so as to resolve
A confounding puzzlement resulting in
Calming a build up of mental frustration that had
Caused my think tank to feel like a caged gerbil running
On a stationary wheel, utterly wide awake, night
After night, as though the wheel represents
A closed mind set in stone, which is in need of
Opening before my processor feels free to
Expand its present state of mind so as to consider
A new solution, which, upon solving the problem at hand
Frees my processor to jump off the wheel as soon as
This specific puzzlement feels at rest—
On the other hand—my definition of
Inner peace references my having resolved
A highly personal (perhaps irrational) deeply
Repressed inner conflict, which, unlike
Puzzlements of which I’m consciously aware, remains
Buried (alive) in a raw and thus pain invoking
State of being within my subconscious, where
My ego hides hot spots of emotional woundedness
Inside pockets, guarded by defensive reactions that
Leap out, barking loudly and baring fangs, unless
A person chooses to consciously develop
A self disciplined line of control that monitors
Climbing levels of frustration so as to signal—
Time to take an instantaneous time out on the spot
To rebalance your (my) connection to logic so
That an emotional rush does not free your
Solution-seeking train of thought to huff and puff so
Furiously as to blindly be hooked to
Swallow the bait and switch tracks to engaging in
A power struggle for dominance, which is
Bound to crash into solid, closed minded walls of denial
And if that scenario is innate within human nature then
You may want to ask how my concentration remains
Wholly focused upon tracking positive steps necessary
To cool down my hot spots in order to remain so
Coolheaded as to disarm my opponent of hotheaded
Reactions by way of listening for his/her unmet needs in
Order to better understand why a person who cares
As deeply about our relationship as is true of me feels
So conflicted, momentarily, as to have need to attack
My character, and each time I take a time out to
Reconsider this flash of insight, my newly poked hot spots
Cool down before an adrenalin rush has had time to
Hijack and inflame my smarts, and here is
What arises instead of my defensive reaction to attack back:
A calming belief in my processor’s innate potential to
Naturally tap into my powers of intuitive thought, which
Guides my inner quest for deeper truth to dive, repeatedly
Into the core of my soul where my processor feels
Inspired to swim through eons of wisdom to deep for
My conscious mind to fathomon its own, so as to emerge with
A more expansive connection to conscious awareness concerning
The convergence of I nter-related strings of insight that authorize
My thought processor to grow ever more practiced at
Unmasking one layer of my persona after another, thus enabling
My innate intelligence to continue to gain insight into
Acknowledging a set of deeply repressed
Negatively focused attitudes, each of which
Proves in need of rewiring inside my head so as to cool down
My subconscious hot spots of resentment, which
Had been mistakenly short wired during difficult
Periods of my childhood, causing my self assessment to
Back fire, repeatedly, as though the primary inner conflict, which
Disrupted my inner peace at the age of three, has continued to
Exacerbate my inability to self-assess my self worth with
Accuracy whenever a hot spot is poked, and
The persistence of that vulnerability acts
Like a circuit breaker each time an opponent feels need to
Put me down by hot wiring together one of
My most admirable character traits with an insult so
Disparaging to my ego as to arouse my defense system to
Leap up and cast my processor’s cool as cucumber soup into
A boiling cauldron of seething resentment that causes
My brain to over heats until my natural connection to
Logical streams of thought are steaming with anger that has
Been subconsciously repressed within a tensely coiled state of
Raw frustration until hot buttons, pushed anew, catalyze
The spring release of inner tension that gushes out so as to
Cause my now openly seething think tank to reel so dizzily as to
Lose sight of my need to steady my intelligence to remain
Clearly focused on the solution-seeking track UNLESS, yet again
My Line of Self Control is called orth to calm
The injured portion of my ego, which wants to direct
My brain to defend my honor by attacking my attacker back
And if my injured ego manages to gain control over
My think think, that's when kettles start whistling Dixie while
Pots boil over, spewing yesteryear's emotional venom until
The emotional environment floods with so much
Dark and smoky, hot air that both sides end up choking and
Neither one can find his/her white hat ...
As I like to wear a white hat, you’re more than likely
To see me take a time out to keep the high road
In sight instead of rising to the bait when an opponent, reacting
More like ‘frenemy’ than friend, pushes one of
My hot spots during an emotionally charged debate, and
If you ask how to refuse being hooked, I'll reply, yet again
By consciously choosing to call forth
My well-practiced Line of Control, which
Directs my defense system to take an instantaneous
Time out on the spot to rein in the egocentric portion of
My processor from usurping control away from
My neo Cortex, because as long as
My defense system remains conscientiously self disciplined
I have a better chance of freeing my intuitive smarts to
Listen to my frenemy’s declarations concerning
Unmet needs while my connection to mental clarity
Remains intact, and since clarity enriches
My brain’s capacity to reply with
My inner strengths connected to common sense, I maintain
A calm inner sense of wholeness, which connects to
The epicenter of my soul, and each time
My brain and soul function as one, that's when
Heated debates in need of mutually respectful
Communication skills tend to magically transform
Stormy emotional outbursts into tension soothing
Brainstorming, solution-seeking sessions that
Make such sound use of leadership’s compassionate
Common sensical, reflective listening skills as to salve
Defensive reactions in hopes of encouraging
Attitudinal changes for the better that serve to reference
The very heart of the conflict at hand, and then—
In the aftermath of having transformed a struggle for
Power into a solution seeking conversation
My sense of self seeks time spent in solitude in
Order to make sound use of hindsight as I ponder over
Having taken an instrumental leadership role in
Calming emotional storminess on both sides so as to
Deepen my conscious awareness of
The well-balanced adult, whom I’ve chosen
To grow to be, and as the conscious portion of
My mind gains an ever-deepening connection
To my need to identify and rewire any additional
Negatively focused, self-conceived
Misperceptive exaggerations, concerning
Personal faults that cause me to stress subconsciously over
Feeling unworthy of love unless I meet with
Another person's definition of perfection, I remind
My generosity of spirit to offer myself the same
Gift of compassion as that offered to my opponent
—for example: During these past five weeks, when I was too ill
To minister to my family’s needs, my family lovingl
Ministered to mine, and because of that change in
Our roles, there were times when I became intuitively
Aware of subconscious patterns that were giving me
A really hard time as if my being sick before and after
Celina had surgery was a crime—though
My connection to logic knew that dueling against
Dual infections, simultaneously, was beyond
My control; in fact, since my Lee taxed immune system
Had naturally directed all of my energy toward
Winning that duel, I'd had to consciously work to
Regain peace of mind in order not
To waste energy on mind racing frustration, and so, if
Peace of mind references my conscious ability to
Relax my brain of inner tension by way of knowing when
To open my tool box to pull forth communicative
Problem solving acuity then
Inner peace references my ability to make sound use of
Specific tools in order to put my subconscious arousal of
Negatively focused attitudes to rest whenever
My spirit feels so ill or exhausted so as to deflate arousing
Out-dated, self-demeaning thought processes to arise
Attack and suck the life out of my accumulation of
Knowledge so as to lock today’s smarts in the dark until
I remember to take hold of the key that uncages
The gerbil, held hostage inside my head, beginning
When I was three and saw myself as a bad, little girl
And so we come to see why inner peace references
My growing ability to relax the injured egocentric
Self defeating, subconscious portion of my brain so as to
Free intuitive wisdom to engineer trains of thoughts that
Prove so purely wholesome as to, once again
Connect the dots that remind me to befriend myself by
Wholly relaxing mind, body and spirit so as to complete
The re-balanced circuit that brightly connects
My positively focused mental state with my good soul
(Something tells me that today’s insight-driven
Stream of consciousness will prove in need of editing—
Oh! What the heck! I’m going with the surge of spirit that's
Inspiring me to push publish, right now!)
Holy smokes! I just realized why the promised story won't come
(And perhaps this insight proves true for all of the
Stories, beginning with high school, as well—)
I at freely connect with those troubling years unless
My inner strengths serve as my driving force, and
Over these past five weeks, my spirit has felt too drained
To muster the energy to arouse my self assertive
Voice to initiate the authority necessary to pen stories of
Such a personal nature, which will surely alert
Repressed pain that I've not yet openly confronted to
Emerge, so this time, my defense system's natural resistance to
Readiness has been reacting to illness in a kinder more compassionate
Intuitive manner concerning my present state of vulnerability
(Not to be confused with personal shortcomings) than
My conscious mind was aware of until—just now!
You see, I often give my defense system a bad rep, which
Suggests that I have need to rebalance my view of
That portion of my brain, too—
My dear friend, Ellie says my trains of
Thought help her to better understand herself, and
God love her, she asks me to read my posts aloud
So, today, I read several posts, written over these
Past couple of weeks (both of our brains felt really dizzied
By the time I finished today's soliloquy), and dang it
If my eye didn't spy mistakes leaping out at me (as
One post was read after another), some of which were
Due to typing errors, some due to auto correct, others due to
Editing too quickly so as to have overlooked changes made in
Sentence structure that required modifying words (such as
Cange to changing or Thinking to think, etc), and
Most frustrating of all were trains of thought,which still
Remain far too complex for human consumption—Harrumph!
So that leaves me asking—do I back track to edit—again—
Or just go forth—accepting the fact that my posts offer up
More imperfections than I'd originally thought?
I'll not answer that question, right now, for this reason:
I finally feel well enough to go to the movies—
And as that's where we're heading, momentarily
Frustration just lifted, my spirit is smiling
The sun is shining and tis time for me to get ready for fun
Oh! One more thing—uh, on second thought
I don't want to be late so—it can wait ...
This next string of insights, which served to
Deepen my processor’s conscious absorption of
My intuitive need to differentiate between
Peace of mind and inner peace
Whereas my definition of peace of mind references
Relaxing the conscious portion of my brain of tension by
Way of combining creativity with logic so as to resolve
A confounding puzzlement resulting in
Calming a build up of mental frustration that had
Caused my think tank to feel like a caged gerbil running
On a stationary wheel, utterly wide awake, night
After night, as though the wheel represents
A closed mind set in stone, which is in need of
Opening before my processor feels free to
Expand its present state of mind so as to consider
A new solution, which, upon solving the problem at hand
Frees my processor to jump off the wheel as soon as
This specific puzzlement feels at rest—
On the other hand—my definition of
Inner peace references my having resolved
A highly personal (perhaps irrational) deeply
Repressed inner conflict, which, unlike
Puzzlements of which I’m consciously aware, remains
Buried (alive) in a raw and thus pain invoking
State of being within my subconscious, where
My ego hides hot spots of emotional woundedness
Inside pockets, guarded by defensive reactions that
Leap out, barking loudly and baring fangs, unless
A person chooses to consciously develop
A self disciplined line of control that monitors
Climbing levels of frustration so as to signal—
Time to take an instantaneous time out on the spot
To rebalance your (my) connection to logic so
That an emotional rush does not free your
Solution-seeking train of thought to huff and puff so
Furiously as to blindly be hooked to
Swallow the bait and switch tracks to engaging in
A power struggle for dominance, which is
Bound to crash into solid, closed minded walls of denial
And if that scenario is innate within human nature then
You may want to ask how my concentration remains
Wholly focused upon tracking positive steps necessary
To cool down my hot spots in order to remain so
Coolheaded as to disarm my opponent of hotheaded
Reactions by way of listening for his/her unmet needs in
Order to better understand why a person who cares
As deeply about our relationship as is true of me feels
So conflicted, momentarily, as to have need to attack
My character, and each time I take a time out to
Reconsider this flash of insight, my newly poked hot spots
Cool down before an adrenalin rush has had time to
Hijack and inflame my smarts, and here is
What arises instead of my defensive reaction to attack back:
A calming belief in my processor’s innate potential to
Naturally tap into my powers of intuitive thought, which
Guides my inner quest for deeper truth to dive, repeatedly
Into the core of my soul where my processor feels
Inspired to swim through eons of wisdom to deep for
My conscious mind to fathomon its own, so as to emerge with
A more expansive connection to conscious awareness concerning
The convergence of I nter-related strings of insight that authorize
My thought processor to grow ever more practiced at
Unmasking one layer of my persona after another, thus enabling
My innate intelligence to continue to gain insight into
Acknowledging a set of deeply repressed
Negatively focused attitudes, each of which
Proves in need of rewiring inside my head so as to cool down
My subconscious hot spots of resentment, which
Had been mistakenly short wired during difficult
Periods of my childhood, causing my self assessment to
Back fire, repeatedly, as though the primary inner conflict, which
Disrupted my inner peace at the age of three, has continued to
Exacerbate my inability to self-assess my self worth with
Accuracy whenever a hot spot is poked, and
The persistence of that vulnerability acts
Like a circuit breaker each time an opponent feels need to
Put me down by hot wiring together one of
My most admirable character traits with an insult so
Disparaging to my ego as to arouse my defense system to
Leap up and cast my processor’s cool as cucumber soup into
A boiling cauldron of seething resentment that causes
My brain to over heats until my natural connection to
Logical streams of thought are steaming with anger that has
Been subconsciously repressed within a tensely coiled state of
Raw frustration until hot buttons, pushed anew, catalyze
The spring release of inner tension that gushes out so as to
Cause my now openly seething think tank to reel so dizzily as to
Lose sight of my need to steady my intelligence to remain
Clearly focused on the solution-seeking track UNLESS, yet again
My Line of Self Control is called orth to calm
The injured portion of my ego, which wants to direct
My brain to defend my honor by attacking my attacker back
And if my injured ego manages to gain control over
My think think, that's when kettles start whistling Dixie while
Pots boil over, spewing yesteryear's emotional venom until
The emotional environment floods with so much
Dark and smoky, hot air that both sides end up choking and
Neither one can find his/her white hat ...
As I like to wear a white hat, you’re more than likely
To see me take a time out to keep the high road
In sight instead of rising to the bait when an opponent, reacting
More like ‘frenemy’ than friend, pushes one of
My hot spots during an emotionally charged debate, and
If you ask how to refuse being hooked, I'll reply, yet again
By consciously choosing to call forth
My well-practiced Line of Control, which
Directs my defense system to take an instantaneous
Time out on the spot to rein in the egocentric portion of
My processor from usurping control away from
My neo Cortex, because as long as
My defense system remains conscientiously self disciplined
I have a better chance of freeing my intuitive smarts to
Listen to my frenemy’s declarations concerning
Unmet needs while my connection to mental clarity
Remains intact, and since clarity enriches
My brain’s capacity to reply with
My inner strengths connected to common sense, I maintain
A calm inner sense of wholeness, which connects to
The epicenter of my soul, and each time
My brain and soul function as one, that's when
Heated debates in need of mutually respectful
Communication skills tend to magically transform
Stormy emotional outbursts into tension soothing
Brainstorming, solution-seeking sessions that
Make such sound use of leadership’s compassionate
Common sensical, reflective listening skills as to salve
Defensive reactions in hopes of encouraging
Attitudinal changes for the better that serve to reference
The very heart of the conflict at hand, and then—
In the aftermath of having transformed a struggle for
Power into a solution seeking conversation
My sense of self seeks time spent in solitude in
Order to make sound use of hindsight as I ponder over
Having taken an instrumental leadership role in
Calming emotional storminess on both sides so as to
Deepen my conscious awareness of
The well-balanced adult, whom I’ve chosen
To grow to be, and as the conscious portion of
My mind gains an ever-deepening connection
To my need to identify and rewire any additional
Negatively focused, self-conceived
Misperceptive exaggerations, concerning
Personal faults that cause me to stress subconsciously over
Feeling unworthy of love unless I meet with
Another person's definition of perfection, I remind
My generosity of spirit to offer myself the same
Gift of compassion as that offered to my opponent
—for example: During these past five weeks, when I was too ill
To minister to my family’s needs, my family lovingl
Ministered to mine, and because of that change in
Our roles, there were times when I became intuitively
Aware of subconscious patterns that were giving me
A really hard time as if my being sick before and after
Celina had surgery was a crime—though
My connection to logic knew that dueling against
Dual infections, simultaneously, was beyond
My control; in fact, since my Lee taxed immune system
Had naturally directed all of my energy toward
Winning that duel, I'd had to consciously work to
Regain peace of mind in order not
To waste energy on mind racing frustration, and so, if
Peace of mind references my conscious ability to
Relax my brain of inner tension by way of knowing when
To open my tool box to pull forth communicative
Problem solving acuity then
Inner peace references my ability to make sound use of
Specific tools in order to put my subconscious arousal of
Negatively focused attitudes to rest whenever
My spirit feels so ill or exhausted so as to deflate arousing
Out-dated, self-demeaning thought processes to arise
Attack and suck the life out of my accumulation of
Knowledge so as to lock today’s smarts in the dark until
I remember to take hold of the key that uncages
The gerbil, held hostage inside my head, beginning
When I was three and saw myself as a bad, little girl
And so we come to see why inner peace references
My growing ability to relax the injured egocentric
Self defeating, subconscious portion of my brain so as to
Free intuitive wisdom to engineer trains of thoughts that
Prove so purely wholesome as to, once again
Connect the dots that remind me to befriend myself by
Wholly relaxing mind, body and spirit so as to complete
The re-balanced circuit that brightly connects
My positively focused mental state with my good soul
(Something tells me that today’s insight-driven
Stream of consciousness will prove in need of editing—
Oh! What the heck! I’m going with the surge of spirit that's
Inspiring me to push publish, right now!)
Holy smokes! I just realized why the promised story won't come
(And perhaps this insight proves true for all of the
Stories, beginning with high school, as well—)
I at freely connect with those troubling years unless
My inner strengths serve as my driving force, and
Over these past five weeks, my spirit has felt too drained
To muster the energy to arouse my self assertive
Voice to initiate the authority necessary to pen stories of
Such a personal nature, which will surely alert
Repressed pain that I've not yet openly confronted to
Emerge, so this time, my defense system's natural resistance to
Readiness has been reacting to illness in a kinder more compassionate
Intuitive manner concerning my present state of vulnerability
(Not to be confused with personal shortcomings) than
My conscious mind was aware of until—just now!
You see, I often give my defense system a bad rep, which
Suggests that I have need to rebalance my view of
That portion of my brain, too—
My dear friend, Ellie says my trains of
Thought help her to better understand herself, and
God love her, she asks me to read my posts aloud
So, today, I read several posts, written over these
Past couple of weeks (both of our brains felt really dizzied
By the time I finished today's soliloquy), and dang it
If my eye didn't spy mistakes leaping out at me (as
One post was read after another), some of which were
Due to typing errors, some due to auto correct, others due to
Editing too quickly so as to have overlooked changes made in
Sentence structure that required modifying words (such as
Cange to changing or Thinking to think, etc), and
Most frustrating of all were trains of thought,which still
Remain far too complex for human consumption—Harrumph!
So that leaves me asking—do I back track to edit—again—
Or just go forth—accepting the fact that my posts offer up
More imperfections than I'd originally thought?
I'll not answer that question, right now, for this reason:
I finally feel well enough to go to the movies—
And as that's where we're heading, momentarily
Frustration just lifted, my spirit is smiling
The sun is shining and tis time for me to get ready for fun
Oh! One more thing—uh, on second thought
I don't want to be late so—it can wait ...
Wednesday, February 7, 2018
STILL DIZZY AFTER ALL THESE WEEKS
Inner ear fluid still splashing dizziness upward and all around causing
Inner sanctum of my brain to spin information like wet clothes in dryer 💦
If dizziness persists, I’ll ask my internist for a referral to ENT🌈☀️
Though flu miseries have passed
And Z-PAK made quick work of wrestling
Bronchial bacterial infection to the mat
I am now into the fifth week of feeling unwell
Well—we’ll (Auto correct—where is your thinking cap!)
Let’s do that again ...
I am now into the fifth week of feeling unwell ...
Well—well enough to enjoy friends and drive short distances before
My equilibrium, still swimming round and round in fluid trapped
Inside my inner ear, floats my brain away from continuing to
Concentrate upon navigating the freeway, safely, so, until
Change for the better is mine, reality suggests that driving beyond
my extended neighborhood remains unwise
Haven’t recouped sufficient stamina to watch Ravi on my own
Or to complete, edit and publish the story I’d promised to pen, assuming
That Will, who, as you know, has been offered the right of first refusal
Will give me a thumbs up, which I truly expect to receive, so
Not until my inner ear clears of fluid, offering me the go ahead to
Pen the rest of this story with mental clarity replacing dizziness
Will I feel ready to offer you that which was promised, and so
In the interim, here’s my plan:
Aslong as (auto correct, you are a royal pain!!!)
As long as my inner ear problem remains unresolved
I’ll continue to post trains of thought that I find of
Interest in hopes that much of whatever holds
My attention may take hold of yours, too
And once again—we find patience to be a virtue, most
Especially when the fickle inner (what?) of fate teases us by
Dang,Ingleside (auto correct—your choices make no sense!)
Especially when the fickle finger of fate teases us by
Dangling short range goals just beyond reach ...
There! That’s better!
Inner sanctum of my brain to spin information like wet clothes in dryer 💦
If dizziness persists, I’ll ask my internist for a referral to ENT🌈☀️
Though flu miseries have passed
And Z-PAK made quick work of wrestling
Bronchial bacterial infection to the mat
I am now into the fifth week of feeling unwell
Well—we’ll (Auto correct—where is your thinking cap!)
Let’s do that again ...
I am now into the fifth week of feeling unwell ...
Well—well enough to enjoy friends and drive short distances before
My equilibrium, still swimming round and round in fluid trapped
Inside my inner ear, floats my brain away from continuing to
Concentrate upon navigating the freeway, safely, so, until
Change for the better is mine, reality suggests that driving beyond
my extended neighborhood remains unwise
Haven’t recouped sufficient stamina to watch Ravi on my own
Or to complete, edit and publish the story I’d promised to pen, assuming
That Will, who, as you know, has been offered the right of first refusal
Will give me a thumbs up, which I truly expect to receive, so
Not until my inner ear clears of fluid, offering me the go ahead to
Pen the rest of this story with mental clarity replacing dizziness
Will I feel ready to offer you that which was promised, and so
In the interim, here’s my plan:
Aslong as (auto correct, you are a royal pain!!!)
As long as my inner ear problem remains unresolved
I’ll continue to post trains of thought that I find of
Interest in hopes that much of whatever holds
My attention may take hold of yours, too
And once again—we find patience to be a virtue, most
Especially when the fickle inner (what?) of fate teases us by
Dang,Ingleside (auto correct—your choices make no sense!)
Especially when the fickle finger of fate teases us by
Dangling short range goals just beyond reach ...
There! That’s better!
Monday, February 5, 2018
THE EDITING PROCESS: IS THIS MY FIRST ATTEMPT AT CLARITY OR MY BEST WORK?
While rewriting my posts, my processor is not seeking perfection
I rewrite each post until the emergence of my innermost thoughts
Are expressed in word choices that clearly make sense, first
To me and then hopefully, to you. and here is why
It’s not uncommon for an extensive editing process to
Prove necessary before clarity is achieved, all around:
Though intuitive trains of thoughts often prove profound, they
May also be so complex as to emerge from my brain’s
Inner sanctum in such a disorderly formation as to
Suggest why the conscious portion of my processor must
Reread whatever has been penned until, upon further review
My think tank’s organizational prowess can kick in in
Order to focus my intelligence upon how best to simplify
Natural streams of consciousness, which, having
Emerged in a highly complex state of being, arouses
My processor's awareness of need to create
Change for the better by modifying
Trains of thought, again and again, so as to ease
Readership’s comprehensive absorption of
Strings of insights, which, likened to
Christmas lights, lining up and lighting up
All wired together, illuminate
Your conscious awareness and mine to
Identify this classic truth, repeatedly:
No matter how brightly enlightened
Our processors continue to feel as
We age, there will always be additional
Insights, concerning the absorption of wisdom when
The subjects at hand are life, love and the human brain's
Contrasting, interactive functionalities
And here’s why the words chosen to bring that
Deeper truth home proves profound:
No matter our age, we don’t know what we don’t know but
Need to know concerning how to make such sound use of
Our smarts so as to communicate so wisely that
Our listening skills, talking skills and solution-seeking skills
Grow to be so effectively and expansively instrumental as to
Create changes for the better, which will improve
Our lives as well as the lives of everyone we 'touch'
(See what I mean about need to simplify
The highly complex profundity of intuitive trains of thought?)
And now that today’s post has clarified the fact that
My editing process strives—not toward achieving
Perfection but toward easing readership’s
Comprehensive absorption of profoundly compelling
Strings of interrelated, insight-driven chains of
Thoughts, which prove so complex as to have
Emerged from within my intuitive depths in such
A confounding state of being as to alert
My intelligence to remain aware of inner need to continue to
Work toward simplifying streams of consciousness that
Have already been penned and published for public consumption
And as an example of that deeply intuitive, editing process
You may find it of interest to know that
I still feel compelled to back track in hopes of
Improving a post published earlier this week, on
Monday, to be exact ... why?
Because thoroughness is my thing
Years ago, when I’d coached my trio of young sons to
Produce their best work during moments when
Each one’s mental concentration was
Focused upon completing daily homework assignments
I was guiding their processors to develop the personal
Strength of thoroughness—however
If thoroughness concerning clarity of purpose is
The name of the game then when the subject at hand is
Creative writing, most writers would agree that
The first draft, penned by scribe, is called
A rough draft, because grammatical mistakes
Have need to be caught and insight concerning smoothing
Out wrinkles that prove disruptive to our processors’ connection to
Clarity are ironed out during the editing process, and now that
Auto correct has a mind of its own, I also have need to catch
Computerized mistakes, which all too often escape
My detection until the editing process offers
My eyes reason to widen in surprise before they roll upward in
Quiet frustration—I mean, seriously—it’s quite enough
Work to simplify complexity of thought that has
Emerged from deep within my brain without
My having to zero in in ORDER to
Correct auto correct, which
Stubbornly changes my word choices or corrects
My grammar choices, at times when neither one
Proves in need of correction in the first place
For example, much to my exasperation
I find auto correct changing the possessive form of ‘its’ to
‘It’s’ (it is) so often as to frustrate my sensitivity to
Writing with attention to grammatical correctness, so that
Each time auto correct makes a mistake that somehow
Slips by until it leaps out at me, piercing
My awareness at some point during
The editing process (or often times, not until
After I’ve published a post or sent a text), once
I come to spy computerized mistakes, which were
Most certainly not my fault, I hear
The fifth grade teacher in me clearly declare:
Auto correct, please straighten your thinking cap!
Hemingway on his writing process:
“When you start to write you get all the kick and the reader gets none ... After you learn to write your whole object is to convey everything, every sensation, sight, feeling, place and emotion to the reader. To do this you have to work over what you write. If you write with a pencil you get three different sights at it to see if the reader is getting what you want him to. First when you read it over; then when it is typed you get another chance to improve it, and again in the proof. Writing it first in pencil gives you one-third more chance to improve it. That is .333 which is a damned good average for a hitter. It also keeps it fluid longer so you can better it easier.“
— Earnest Hemingway
Though I can’t find the direct quote on Google
Hemingway also said:
Good writing is in the editing
Being a guy, Hemingway used very few words
Being a woman, who’d mistakenly gotten into the talking line twice
I can’t figure out how in the world to achieve such a feat ...
PS
Wow! That was some game yesterday ... right? Right!
Just picked up on mistakes in this post as well as mistakes in the post published, Friday ... Geez ...
I rewrite each post until the emergence of my innermost thoughts
Are expressed in word choices that clearly make sense, first
To me and then hopefully, to you. and here is why
It’s not uncommon for an extensive editing process to
Prove necessary before clarity is achieved, all around:
Though intuitive trains of thoughts often prove profound, they
May also be so complex as to emerge from my brain’s
Inner sanctum in such a disorderly formation as to
Suggest why the conscious portion of my processor must
Reread whatever has been penned until, upon further review
My think tank’s organizational prowess can kick in in
Order to focus my intelligence upon how best to simplify
Natural streams of consciousness, which, having
Emerged in a highly complex state of being, arouses
My processor's awareness of need to create
Change for the better by modifying
Trains of thought, again and again, so as to ease
Readership’s comprehensive absorption of
Strings of insights, which, likened to
Christmas lights, lining up and lighting up
All wired together, illuminate
Your conscious awareness and mine to
Identify this classic truth, repeatedly:
No matter how brightly enlightened
Our processors continue to feel as
We age, there will always be additional
Insights, concerning the absorption of wisdom when
The subjects at hand are life, love and the human brain's
Contrasting, interactive functionalities
And here’s why the words chosen to bring that
Deeper truth home proves profound:
No matter our age, we don’t know what we don’t know but
Need to know concerning how to make such sound use of
Our smarts so as to communicate so wisely that
Our listening skills, talking skills and solution-seeking skills
Grow to be so effectively and expansively instrumental as to
Create changes for the better, which will improve
Our lives as well as the lives of everyone we 'touch'
(See what I mean about need to simplify
The highly complex profundity of intuitive trains of thought?)
And now that today’s post has clarified the fact that
My editing process strives—not toward achieving
Perfection but toward easing readership’s
Comprehensive absorption of profoundly compelling
Strings of interrelated, insight-driven chains of
Thoughts, which prove so complex as to have
Emerged from within my intuitive depths in such
A confounding state of being as to alert
My intelligence to remain aware of inner need to continue to
Work toward simplifying streams of consciousness that
Have already been penned and published for public consumption
And as an example of that deeply intuitive, editing process
You may find it of interest to know that
I still feel compelled to back track in hopes of
Improving a post published earlier this week, on
Monday, to be exact ... why?
Because thoroughness is my thing
Years ago, when I’d coached my trio of young sons to
Produce their best work during moments when
Each one’s mental concentration was
Focused upon completing daily homework assignments
I was guiding their processors to develop the personal
Strength of thoroughness—however
If thoroughness concerning clarity of purpose is
The name of the game then when the subject at hand is
Creative writing, most writers would agree that
The first draft, penned by scribe, is called
A rough draft, because grammatical mistakes
Have need to be caught and insight concerning smoothing
Out wrinkles that prove disruptive to our processors’ connection to
Clarity are ironed out during the editing process, and now that
Auto correct has a mind of its own, I also have need to catch
Computerized mistakes, which all too often escape
My detection until the editing process offers
My eyes reason to widen in surprise before they roll upward in
Quiet frustration—I mean, seriously—it’s quite enough
Work to simplify complexity of thought that has
Emerged from deep within my brain without
My having to zero in in ORDER to
Correct auto correct, which
Stubbornly changes my word choices or corrects
My grammar choices, at times when neither one
Proves in need of correction in the first place
For example, much to my exasperation
I find auto correct changing the possessive form of ‘its’ to
‘It’s’ (it is) so often as to frustrate my sensitivity to
Writing with attention to grammatical correctness, so that
Each time auto correct makes a mistake that somehow
Slips by until it leaps out at me, piercing
My awareness at some point during
The editing process (or often times, not until
After I’ve published a post or sent a text), once
I come to spy computerized mistakes, which were
Most certainly not my fault, I hear
The fifth grade teacher in me clearly declare:
Auto correct, please straighten your thinking cap!
Hemingway on his writing process:
“When you start to write you get all the kick and the reader gets none ... After you learn to write your whole object is to convey everything, every sensation, sight, feeling, place and emotion to the reader. To do this you have to work over what you write. If you write with a pencil you get three different sights at it to see if the reader is getting what you want him to. First when you read it over; then when it is typed you get another chance to improve it, and again in the proof. Writing it first in pencil gives you one-third more chance to improve it. That is .333 which is a damned good average for a hitter. It also keeps it fluid longer so you can better it easier.“
— Earnest Hemingway
Though I can’t find the direct quote on Google
Hemingway also said:
Good writing is in the editing
Being a guy, Hemingway used very few words
Being a woman, who’d mistakenly gotten into the talking line twice
I can’t figure out how in the world to achieve such a feat ...
PS
Wow! That was some game yesterday ... right? Right!
Just picked up on mistakes in this post as well as mistakes in the post published, Friday ... Geez ...
Sunday, February 4, 2018
WHAT DRIVES MY INTUITIVE NEED TO DIVE SO DEEP INTO MY BRAIN WHERE INSIGHTS, CONCERNING INNER PEACE, EMERGE, WHICH I DO MY BEST TO CLARIFY FOR YOU?
So why has my thought processor developed this compelling need to differentiate between those times when a current event disrupts my conscious peace of mind from those times when my subconscious reaction to a current event triggers yesteryear’s unresolved anxiety, repressed during childhood, to erupt, stimulating my emotionality to feel so exacerbated as to alert my basic survival instinct to redirect all of my processor’s mental energy away from clarity of thought in favor of hunkering down within my brain’s bunker soas to instantaneously surmise the best of three and only three plans of escape from that whichfeels like a near and present danger even though that life threatening danger, which is presently shattering my innermost sense of personal safety, took place in the distant past, suggestive of this fact: Yesteryear’s unresolved fear exists inside my head, where haunting memories of sudden death leave daunting questions unanswered, concerning my self worth, and as long as these questions, concerning sel worth stalk my soul’s peaceful existence, my mental processes feel compelled to quest ever more deeply into subconscious territory, as if seeking the answer to these questions, which I did not know to ask at the age of three:
Why did my grandpa, who’d appeared to one and all to be enjoying good health, suddenly disappear?
Why did my sister, who’d appeared to one and all to be enjoying good health, suddenly disappear during her nap, several weeks later?
Why did I, who had felt like the center of my family’s universe for the first three years of my life suddenly feel as if I was falling off a cliff into a dark, scary, bottomless pit where no matter how loudly, I’d ‘asked’ for help (by loudly demanding my grief stricken family’s loving attention), all I received after ‘acting out’ my deeply confounded, personally petrified, stressed out dstress (as terrified thee year olds are wont to react) was deeply stressed frowns and impatiently reactive voices, casting words of condemnation that landed on my head like a ton of bricks—OMG (surmised three year old me), as soon as something bad happens, no one cares about me! I could fall off the edge of our safe little world, and no one would even notice that I was gone. No one's arms are encircling me with heartfelt kindness when I cry for attention that has always been mine since the day I was born! If I don’t want to wander wanly from room to room feeling scared (half to death) and all alone then:
I’d better be good ... for the rest of my life!
So good that I’ll feel valued and loved by people I love
Or better yet, I'll feel loved by everyone in the world!
Wow! That will make me feel safe from loneliness and swift lashes of anger
No wait—good’s not good enough to provide my injured ego with
The personal sense of safety that I’ve lost—in fact
My newfound fear of worthlessness (which developed, over months of unrest) will
Influence my fear of emotional abandonment to over-compensate for good measure
So that rather than just being good, I’ll strive toward perfection in
Every aspect of life, surmising that as long as
My newly adopted persona 'performs' with perfection, no one, who is
Stressed out will have any reason to glare at me from across the room or
Grab me up and spank me soundly, and
With time, that was the subconscious plan cooked up by
My defense system to save the lonely, terrified, deeply injured portion of
My ego from slip sliding even further into that darkly stormy black hole, where
Beginning at that crucial time of early childhood personality development (between
Three and five years old) my fledgling self worth became solidly buried under
An avalanche of self condemnation that continued to layer up, year after year
Why? Because my deeply repressed, subconscious negative attitude and
Consciously lowered expectations of being loved less than I gave love, matched
So now you know how the concepts of personal perfection and personal safety
Got to be hot wired into a crossed wired state somewhere within
My subconscious, where scary secrets, concerning my insecure self image
Felt far too complex and profound for a three year old processor to
Even begin to fathom, much less comprehend, catalyzed
My intuitive quest to gain insight into why
My soul’s connection to inner peace became utterly entangled with
My subconscious fear of any personal imperfection that might
Catalyze a repeat of my feeling miserably left out in the cold to
Fend for myself if anything at all went amiss with any person’s life—
On my watch, and with over compensation acting as my closest ally
My defense system’s basic instinct, which had been
Permanently set to be on call 24/7, was
Autonomically alerted to arouse The Fixer to think up
A fool-proof-fix-it-plan-as-fast-as-possible that would surely
Lead everyone to a place of safety before the terrified little girl, who’d been
Buried alive within a subconscious dungeon at
The highly vulnerable age of three, could crash through
My defensive wall of denial and flatten my persona ... which
My conscious awareness had mistakenly seen as the true ME until
My power of intuition began to offer my conscious connection to
Self awareness a compelling need to dive ever more deeply into
Repressed pockets of my subconscious where scary secrets harbored
My fear of being so imperfect as to have condemned myself guilty of
Being unloved, because I was unlovable until insight after insight was
Gained, making me ever more astutely aware of my life long need to
Muster the courage and humility necessary to
Bulk up my inner strengths in order to ready my intelligence to
Unlock doors in my many layered wall of denial, behind which each
Next growth spurt waited to welcome my smarts to embrace
An endless series of leaps of faith over one aspect after another of
Yesteryear’s unrepressed, primary fear so as to
Open my eyes to see where the real ME has landed, currently
And as long as you choose to ride sidekick while, together
We watch my intelligent brain working, step by step, toward
Healing itself of childhood trauma, one layer of inter-related
Unrepressed anxiety at a time, we come to understand that each time
Another layer of my ego’s persona has been unmasked, that's when
My true self realizes this fact of my life: As imperfect as I may have been
At three years old, this woman, who is a very good person, was
Always a very good, lovable, deeply loved, little girl, as well
I've given myself a very hard time, over my entire life, because
Of a deeply confounded, terrified, three year old child's—misperception
Oy—
Over the years, I made countless decisions, based in my primary fear
Of emotional abandonment
Oy—
Boy oh boy—did I have a lot to learn about the inner me and inner peace!
And so we come to see why Socrates’ message of
Classic wisdom to know thyself ever more deeply
Comes with age to those of us who choose to grow
Ever more self aware of personal need to quest
Within in hopes of deepening our personal understanding of
The human brain’s innately defensive reaction of denial, which
Had served as the shield that protected our connection to
Sanity and personal safety from shattering during
Childhood’s most terrifying experiences ... and not
Until you choose to peel away at your defensive layers of denial will
You, like me, begin to unmask your ego’s persona, which
Denies the conscious portion of your thought processor
The key to unlocking the real you from feeling caged in
With subconscious anger, fear and pain that
Prohibits you from connecting soulfully to inner peace when
Something that’s beyond your fixer’s personal control goes haywire ...
And so, we also come to see that I choose to pen
These insight driven posts not just to relieve
My soulful connection to inner peace of undeserved angst but
Also to offer the retired communication’s instructor within me
A viable outlet to share love and life lessons in creative ways that
Inspire my self confident but unemployed 'fixer' to make sound use of
My self assertive voice by penning posts in hopes of creating
Change for the better throughout the world for as long as
I am blessed with the soulful strength of spirit to embrace
The reality of my advancing age which will not sour
My intuitive powers from guiding my positive attitude toward
Integrating my soulful connection to inner peace with the fact that
I have grown to be an individual whose self worth feels so
Well balanced as to fuel my spirit to feel fully alive for as long as
It's my good fortune to enjoy my imperfectly wonderful life within
The circle of those I love—whose loving words, actions and behaviors are
Well versed in signaling my emotional intelligence as to how
Deeply loved I am—and always have been—in good times and bad ...
Though this is not the first time that my intuition has ever written these insights
Writing over subconscious thought patterns that have been deeply imprinted within
The subconscious portion of my brain for more than seventy years is like
Trying to remove a tattoo, which, in addition to being painful is not
100% successful—on the other hand—I'll continue to write over these
Unrepressed, negatively focused attitudes, concerning the imperfect portions of
My self image if it's the last thing I do ... (A little humor never hurts–in fact
I can't think of a healthier way to end today's post than with words that
Have just inspired my never-give up spirit to light up my eyes with
A smile, signifying that the windows to my soul are open and facing
The future with a newly enhanced understanding of this fact:
The lost sense of inner peace that my conscious awareness has been chasing since
The age of three is truly mine for the taking—and what could feel better than that!
Why did my grandpa, who’d appeared to one and all to be enjoying good health, suddenly disappear?
Why did my sister, who’d appeared to one and all to be enjoying good health, suddenly disappear during her nap, several weeks later?
Why did I, who had felt like the center of my family’s universe for the first three years of my life suddenly feel as if I was falling off a cliff into a dark, scary, bottomless pit where no matter how loudly, I’d ‘asked’ for help (by loudly demanding my grief stricken family’s loving attention), all I received after ‘acting out’ my deeply confounded, personally petrified, stressed out dstress (as terrified thee year olds are wont to react) was deeply stressed frowns and impatiently reactive voices, casting words of condemnation that landed on my head like a ton of bricks—OMG (surmised three year old me), as soon as something bad happens, no one cares about me! I could fall off the edge of our safe little world, and no one would even notice that I was gone. No one's arms are encircling me with heartfelt kindness when I cry for attention that has always been mine since the day I was born! If I don’t want to wander wanly from room to room feeling scared (half to death) and all alone then:
I’d better be good ... for the rest of my life!
So good that I’ll feel valued and loved by people I love
Or better yet, I'll feel loved by everyone in the world!
Wow! That will make me feel safe from loneliness and swift lashes of anger
No wait—good’s not good enough to provide my injured ego with
The personal sense of safety that I’ve lost—in fact
My newfound fear of worthlessness (which developed, over months of unrest) will
Influence my fear of emotional abandonment to over-compensate for good measure
So that rather than just being good, I’ll strive toward perfection in
Every aspect of life, surmising that as long as
My newly adopted persona 'performs' with perfection, no one, who is
Stressed out will have any reason to glare at me from across the room or
Grab me up and spank me soundly, and
With time, that was the subconscious plan cooked up by
My defense system to save the lonely, terrified, deeply injured portion of
My ego from slip sliding even further into that darkly stormy black hole, where
Beginning at that crucial time of early childhood personality development (between
Three and five years old) my fledgling self worth became solidly buried under
An avalanche of self condemnation that continued to layer up, year after year
Why? Because my deeply repressed, subconscious negative attitude and
Consciously lowered expectations of being loved less than I gave love, matched
So now you know how the concepts of personal perfection and personal safety
Got to be hot wired into a crossed wired state somewhere within
My subconscious, where scary secrets, concerning my insecure self image
Felt far too complex and profound for a three year old processor to
Even begin to fathom, much less comprehend, catalyzed
My intuitive quest to gain insight into why
My soul’s connection to inner peace became utterly entangled with
My subconscious fear of any personal imperfection that might
Catalyze a repeat of my feeling miserably left out in the cold to
Fend for myself if anything at all went amiss with any person’s life—
On my watch, and with over compensation acting as my closest ally
My defense system’s basic instinct, which had been
Permanently set to be on call 24/7, was
Autonomically alerted to arouse The Fixer to think up
A fool-proof-fix-it-plan-as-fast-as-possible that would surely
Lead everyone to a place of safety before the terrified little girl, who’d been
Buried alive within a subconscious dungeon at
The highly vulnerable age of three, could crash through
My defensive wall of denial and flatten my persona ... which
My conscious awareness had mistakenly seen as the true ME until
My power of intuition began to offer my conscious connection to
Self awareness a compelling need to dive ever more deeply into
Repressed pockets of my subconscious where scary secrets harbored
My fear of being so imperfect as to have condemned myself guilty of
Being unloved, because I was unlovable until insight after insight was
Gained, making me ever more astutely aware of my life long need to
Muster the courage and humility necessary to
Bulk up my inner strengths in order to ready my intelligence to
Unlock doors in my many layered wall of denial, behind which each
Next growth spurt waited to welcome my smarts to embrace
An endless series of leaps of faith over one aspect after another of
Yesteryear’s unrepressed, primary fear so as to
Open my eyes to see where the real ME has landed, currently
And as long as you choose to ride sidekick while, together
We watch my intelligent brain working, step by step, toward
Healing itself of childhood trauma, one layer of inter-related
Unrepressed anxiety at a time, we come to understand that each time
Another layer of my ego’s persona has been unmasked, that's when
My true self realizes this fact of my life: As imperfect as I may have been
At three years old, this woman, who is a very good person, was
Always a very good, lovable, deeply loved, little girl, as well
I've given myself a very hard time, over my entire life, because
Of a deeply confounded, terrified, three year old child's—misperception
Oy—
Over the years, I made countless decisions, based in my primary fear
Of emotional abandonment
Oy—
Boy oh boy—did I have a lot to learn about the inner me and inner peace!
And so we come to see why Socrates’ message of
Classic wisdom to know thyself ever more deeply
Comes with age to those of us who choose to grow
Ever more self aware of personal need to quest
Within in hopes of deepening our personal understanding of
The human brain’s innately defensive reaction of denial, which
Had served as the shield that protected our connection to
Sanity and personal safety from shattering during
Childhood’s most terrifying experiences ... and not
Until you choose to peel away at your defensive layers of denial will
You, like me, begin to unmask your ego’s persona, which
Denies the conscious portion of your thought processor
The key to unlocking the real you from feeling caged in
With subconscious anger, fear and pain that
Prohibits you from connecting soulfully to inner peace when
Something that’s beyond your fixer’s personal control goes haywire ...
And so, we also come to see that I choose to pen
These insight driven posts not just to relieve
My soulful connection to inner peace of undeserved angst but
Also to offer the retired communication’s instructor within me
A viable outlet to share love and life lessons in creative ways that
Inspire my self confident but unemployed 'fixer' to make sound use of
My self assertive voice by penning posts in hopes of creating
Change for the better throughout the world for as long as
I am blessed with the soulful strength of spirit to embrace
The reality of my advancing age which will not sour
My intuitive powers from guiding my positive attitude toward
Integrating my soulful connection to inner peace with the fact that
I have grown to be an individual whose self worth feels so
Well balanced as to fuel my spirit to feel fully alive for as long as
It's my good fortune to enjoy my imperfectly wonderful life within
The circle of those I love—whose loving words, actions and behaviors are
Well versed in signaling my emotional intelligence as to how
Deeply loved I am—and always have been—in good times and bad ...
Though this is not the first time that my intuition has ever written these insights
Writing over subconscious thought patterns that have been deeply imprinted within
The subconscious portion of my brain for more than seventy years is like
Trying to remove a tattoo, which, in addition to being painful is not
100% successful—on the other hand—I'll continue to write over these
Unrepressed, negatively focused attitudes, concerning the imperfect portions of
My self image if it's the last thing I do ... (A little humor never hurts–in fact
I can't think of a healthier way to end today's post than with words that
Have just inspired my never-give up spirit to light up my eyes with
A smile, signifying that the windows to my soul are open and facing
The future with a newly enhanced understanding of this fact:
The lost sense of inner peace that my conscious awareness has been chasing since
The age of three is truly mine for the taking—and what could feel better than that!
Friday, February 2, 2018
DEFINING A SOULFUL SENSE OF INNER PEACE THAT MAKES SOUND USE OF COMMON SENSE
Lately, I’ve begun to draw a line of demarcation, differentiating inner peace from peace of mind.
Why? Because of how much time I’ve spent wondering how best to regain and maintain my thought processor’s natural connection to clarity by calming my composure as quickly as possible at those times when deeply repressed hot spots of anger or fear, having been poked at, cause a wounded portion of my ego to feel so newly provoked as to stimulate my survival instinct to flare up, burning my processor’s natural connection to clarity to a crisp, resulting in my feeling too hot to respond to the situation that’s currently taking place with my intellect’s connection to clear thinking feeling solidly grounded in inner strength, based in my re-balanced sense of self worth. Whew!
Whenever I choose to make sound use of my self assertive voice, I hope to remain so well connected to my intellect’s sense of intuitive clarity as to listen so calmly and astutely to the concerns of another as to cool down a conversation seething with unresolved hot spots on both sides each time it’s my turn to open my mouth and with respect for us both, effectively speak my mind. I mean why take the time to improve listening and speaking skills if not to make good use of one’s processor to calm an out of control reaction on the part of those whose opposing viewpoint is visibly too hot under the collar to absorb my positively focused, solution-seeking attitude?
In addition to that insight, I want to be able to know when my emotional reaction is being exacerbated by the unexpected eruption of my own subconscious anger or fear or both, and this is important to me for this reason: Whenever my inner peace feels under duress, my intellect’s connection to solution-seeking clarity remains much more deeply befuddled than my conscious awareness is able to acknowledge. And having come to absorb that insight more completely, I can feel another growth spurt brewing deep with me.
When my first thought is befuddled, because subconscious fear or anger feels newly ruffled, my processor mixes up a troubling event from the past with whatever I’m experiencing or discussing, today. And whenever that happens, my decision-maker can’t think straight ahead to save my dizzied processor from making serious mistakes in judgment.
Presently, my intuitive powers have been coaching my conscious awareness to define peace of mind as relating to those times when my personal and professional lives are both going along on a daily basis, as planned.
On the other hand, inner peace suggests that whenever a current situation goes haywire, offering my conscious connection to peace of mind sound reason to worry, my innermost sense of peace remains soulfully unruffled so as to maintain my processor’s natural connection to intuitive intelligence, which steadies my smarts to remain cool, well-balanced and collected so that a latent eruption of yesteryear’s unresolved angst does not stop my brain from functioning like a well oiled machine, most especially at those times when my smarts have need to determine my proper place in terms of whatever is currently happening on center stage so that I can clearly discern when it’s best to jump into the fray and assume a leadership role, or when to humbly take instruction by listening attentively to a more knowledgeable old soul, or when to stand quietly on the sidelines, deciding which will better serve to hasten the formation of a positively focused, solution-seeking plan: Shall I speak and lead or listen and follow or assume the observant role of nonpartisan neutrality, choosing to cheerlead no team over another if the drama at hand concerns a conflict based in pots and kettles calling each other black ...
We who see ourselves as Supermen and Wonder Women act as if we are able to leap off of high buildings in a single bound in hopes of flying others to a place of personal safety when deeper truth, concerning reality checks, suggests that behind our egocentric personas, we, who see ourselves as fixers, are actually vulnerable human beings, who have a tendency to move as fast as a speeding bullet, believing our think thanks to be as powerful as a locomotive that crashes into rather than through walls of denial, which prove to be every bit as blindly, defensively impenetrable as is true of our own, In short, I’ve come to liken Fixers (who misperceive of their processors as being akin to super hero status) to The Wizard Of Oz ...
Upon retiring The Fixer in me, my thought processor (which mistook talking and listening skills for super powers, most especially during the heat of conflict) had reason to reconsider the folly of my mistaken self perceptions, which have changed for the better in this regard: I’ve had need to work conscientiously at uncluttering the subconscious portion of my mind by spotlighting hot spots of unresolved anger and fear, which remained so deeply repressed that my think could not differentiate between uprisings of latent unresolved anxiety and today’s fresh anxiety (based in a worry that’s solely connected to whatever is jangling my conscious peace of mind, right now. I also had to stop my processor from believing it had developed super human X-ray vision to see through walls of denial that we’re not my own. I mean, if it’s very difficult to gain insight that spotlights missing keys to unlock the secrets that my subconscious hides from my conscious awareness, what in tarnation is to be gained from knocking my head against walls of denial to which my family, friends and colleagues are blind? In short, I had to grow aware of the fact that it’s an admirable feat to continue to muster the courage and humility to penetrate my persona in hopes of coming to know my real self in depth.
As one insight-driven, intuitive change for the better leads the conscious portion of my think tank to spotlight another, I hope that my processor’s most recent growth spurt will become ever more able to clearly differentiate between subconscious hot spots that trigger yesteryear’s unresolved angst to spike, repeatedly vs current situations that provoke my sense of worry, based solely in what’s gone wrong, today, because that change for the better will prove so profound as to strengthen my ability to make sound use of my self assertive voice to say ‘yea or nay’ while simultaneously maintaining my newly rebalanced state of internal emotional composure, which has grown highly sensitive to acknowledging those times when my well practiced intuitive powers are tuning into the fact that my generous nature is being bullied, passive aggressively, to ignore my basic needs so as to place the needs of another way above my own. Been there ... done with reacting like an indentured servant whose subconscious attitude of unworthiness was so self demeaning as to have cast my human vulnerabilities out into the cold cruel world unless I chose to jump up to serve with a smile before a task master started to whip my think tank into submission by letting loose with a judgment call in such a covert manner of speaking as to have verged on insulting my most admirable character traits until my existential spirit, feeling utterly whipped back into subservience, complied, good naturedlg with every ‘request’ that was actually a demand ... or else.
As a positive consequence of having worked determinedly to unclutter my mind of latent strikes of anxiety that defy common sense, I rarely fear open confrontations with those whose defense systems blind them from identifying their own passive aggressive tendencies, based in egocentricity. And Amen to a change in attitude that proves so peacefully positively focused as to be deeply self liberating!
“My mind was always very cluttered, so I took great pains to simplify my environment, because if my environment was half as cluttered as my mind, I wouldn’t be able to make it from room to room.”
— Leonard Cohen
Leonard Norman Cohen CC GOQ (September 21, 1934 – November 7, 2016) was a Canadian poet, songwriter, singer, musician, and novelist. His work explored religion, politics, isolation, sexuality, and personal relationships.[2] Cohen was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, the Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He was a Companion of the Order of Canada, the nation's highest civilian honour. In 2011, Cohen received one of the Prince of Asturias Awards for literature and the ninth Glenn Gould Prize.
Why? Because of how much time I’ve spent wondering how best to regain and maintain my thought processor’s natural connection to clarity by calming my composure as quickly as possible at those times when deeply repressed hot spots of anger or fear, having been poked at, cause a wounded portion of my ego to feel so newly provoked as to stimulate my survival instinct to flare up, burning my processor’s natural connection to clarity to a crisp, resulting in my feeling too hot to respond to the situation that’s currently taking place with my intellect’s connection to clear thinking feeling solidly grounded in inner strength, based in my re-balanced sense of self worth. Whew!
Whenever I choose to make sound use of my self assertive voice, I hope to remain so well connected to my intellect’s sense of intuitive clarity as to listen so calmly and astutely to the concerns of another as to cool down a conversation seething with unresolved hot spots on both sides each time it’s my turn to open my mouth and with respect for us both, effectively speak my mind. I mean why take the time to improve listening and speaking skills if not to make good use of one’s processor to calm an out of control reaction on the part of those whose opposing viewpoint is visibly too hot under the collar to absorb my positively focused, solution-seeking attitude?
In addition to that insight, I want to be able to know when my emotional reaction is being exacerbated by the unexpected eruption of my own subconscious anger or fear or both, and this is important to me for this reason: Whenever my inner peace feels under duress, my intellect’s connection to solution-seeking clarity remains much more deeply befuddled than my conscious awareness is able to acknowledge. And having come to absorb that insight more completely, I can feel another growth spurt brewing deep with me.
When my first thought is befuddled, because subconscious fear or anger feels newly ruffled, my processor mixes up a troubling event from the past with whatever I’m experiencing or discussing, today. And whenever that happens, my decision-maker can’t think straight ahead to save my dizzied processor from making serious mistakes in judgment.
Presently, my intuitive powers have been coaching my conscious awareness to define peace of mind as relating to those times when my personal and professional lives are both going along on a daily basis, as planned.
On the other hand, inner peace suggests that whenever a current situation goes haywire, offering my conscious connection to peace of mind sound reason to worry, my innermost sense of peace remains soulfully unruffled so as to maintain my processor’s natural connection to intuitive intelligence, which steadies my smarts to remain cool, well-balanced and collected so that a latent eruption of yesteryear’s unresolved angst does not stop my brain from functioning like a well oiled machine, most especially at those times when my smarts have need to determine my proper place in terms of whatever is currently happening on center stage so that I can clearly discern when it’s best to jump into the fray and assume a leadership role, or when to humbly take instruction by listening attentively to a more knowledgeable old soul, or when to stand quietly on the sidelines, deciding which will better serve to hasten the formation of a positively focused, solution-seeking plan: Shall I speak and lead or listen and follow or assume the observant role of nonpartisan neutrality, choosing to cheerlead no team over another if the drama at hand concerns a conflict based in pots and kettles calling each other black ...
We who see ourselves as Supermen and Wonder Women act as if we are able to leap off of high buildings in a single bound in hopes of flying others to a place of personal safety when deeper truth, concerning reality checks, suggests that behind our egocentric personas, we, who see ourselves as fixers, are actually vulnerable human beings, who have a tendency to move as fast as a speeding bullet, believing our think thanks to be as powerful as a locomotive that crashes into rather than through walls of denial, which prove to be every bit as blindly, defensively impenetrable as is true of our own, In short, I’ve come to liken Fixers (who misperceive of their processors as being akin to super hero status) to The Wizard Of Oz ...
Upon retiring The Fixer in me, my thought processor (which mistook talking and listening skills for super powers, most especially during the heat of conflict) had reason to reconsider the folly of my mistaken self perceptions, which have changed for the better in this regard: I’ve had need to work conscientiously at uncluttering the subconscious portion of my mind by spotlighting hot spots of unresolved anger and fear, which remained so deeply repressed that my think could not differentiate between uprisings of latent unresolved anxiety and today’s fresh anxiety (based in a worry that’s solely connected to whatever is jangling my conscious peace of mind, right now. I also had to stop my processor from believing it had developed super human X-ray vision to see through walls of denial that we’re not my own. I mean, if it’s very difficult to gain insight that spotlights missing keys to unlock the secrets that my subconscious hides from my conscious awareness, what in tarnation is to be gained from knocking my head against walls of denial to which my family, friends and colleagues are blind? In short, I had to grow aware of the fact that it’s an admirable feat to continue to muster the courage and humility to penetrate my persona in hopes of coming to know my real self in depth.
As one insight-driven, intuitive change for the better leads the conscious portion of my think tank to spotlight another, I hope that my processor’s most recent growth spurt will become ever more able to clearly differentiate between subconscious hot spots that trigger yesteryear’s unresolved angst to spike, repeatedly vs current situations that provoke my sense of worry, based solely in what’s gone wrong, today, because that change for the better will prove so profound as to strengthen my ability to make sound use of my self assertive voice to say ‘yea or nay’ while simultaneously maintaining my newly rebalanced state of internal emotional composure, which has grown highly sensitive to acknowledging those times when my well practiced intuitive powers are tuning into the fact that my generous nature is being bullied, passive aggressively, to ignore my basic needs so as to place the needs of another way above my own. Been there ... done with reacting like an indentured servant whose subconscious attitude of unworthiness was so self demeaning as to have cast my human vulnerabilities out into the cold cruel world unless I chose to jump up to serve with a smile before a task master started to whip my think tank into submission by letting loose with a judgment call in such a covert manner of speaking as to have verged on insulting my most admirable character traits until my existential spirit, feeling utterly whipped back into subservience, complied, good naturedlg with every ‘request’ that was actually a demand ... or else.
As a positive consequence of having worked determinedly to unclutter my mind of latent strikes of anxiety that defy common sense, I rarely fear open confrontations with those whose defense systems blind them from identifying their own passive aggressive tendencies, based in egocentricity. And Amen to a change in attitude that proves so peacefully positively focused as to be deeply self liberating!
“My mind was always very cluttered, so I took great pains to simplify my environment, because if my environment was half as cluttered as my mind, I wouldn’t be able to make it from room to room.”
— Leonard Cohen
Leonard Norman Cohen CC GOQ (September 21, 1934 – November 7, 2016) was a Canadian poet, songwriter, singer, musician, and novelist. His work explored religion, politics, isolation, sexuality, and personal relationships.[2] Cohen was inducted into the Canadian Music Hall of Fame, the Canadian Songwriters Hall of Fame, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. He was a Companion of the Order of Canada, the nation's highest civilian honour. In 2011, Cohen received one of the Prince of Asturias Awards for literature and the ninth Glenn Gould Prize.
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