So—what awakened me at 5am?
This next string of insights, which served to
Deepen my processor’s conscious absorption of
My intuitive need to differentiate between
Peace of mind and inner peace
Whereas my definition of peace of mind references
Relaxing the conscious portion of my brain of tension by
Way of combining creativity with logic so as to resolve
A confounding puzzlement resulting in
Calming a build up of mental frustration that had
Caused my think tank to feel like a caged gerbil running
On a stationary wheel, utterly wide awake, night
After night, as though the wheel represents
A closed mind set in stone, which is in need of
Opening before my processor feels free to
Expand its present state of mind so as to consider
A new solution, which, upon solving the problem at hand
Frees my processor to jump off the wheel as soon as
This specific puzzlement feels at rest—
On the other hand—my definition of
Inner peace references my having resolved
A highly personal (perhaps irrational) deeply
Repressed inner conflict, which, unlike
Puzzlements of which I’m consciously aware, remains
Buried (alive) in a raw and thus pain invoking
State of being within my subconscious, where
My ego hides hot spots of emotional woundedness
Inside pockets, guarded by defensive reactions that
Leap out, barking loudly and baring fangs, unless
A person chooses to consciously develop
A self disciplined line of control that monitors
Climbing levels of frustration so as to signal—
Time to take an instantaneous time out on the spot
To rebalance your (my) connection to logic so
That an emotional rush does not free your
Solution-seeking train of thought to huff and puff so
Furiously as to blindly be hooked to
Swallow the bait and switch tracks to engaging in
A power struggle for dominance, which is
Bound to crash into solid, closed minded walls of denial
And if that scenario is innate within human nature then
You may want to ask how my concentration remains
Wholly focused upon tracking positive steps necessary
To cool down my hot spots in order to remain so
Coolheaded as to disarm my opponent of hotheaded
Reactions by way of listening for his/her unmet needs in
Order to better understand why a person who cares
As deeply about our relationship as is true of me feels
So conflicted, momentarily, as to have need to attack
My character, and each time I take a time out to
Reconsider this flash of insight, my newly poked hot spots
Cool down before an adrenalin rush has had time to
Hijack and inflame my smarts, and here is
What arises instead of my defensive reaction to attack back:
A calming belief in my processor’s innate potential to
Naturally tap into my powers of intuitive thought, which
Guides my inner quest for deeper truth to dive, repeatedly
Into the core of my soul where my processor feels
Inspired to swim through eons of wisdom to deep for
My conscious mind to fathomon its own, so as to emerge with
A more expansive connection to conscious awareness concerning
The convergence of I nter-related strings of insight that authorize
My thought processor to grow ever more practiced at
Unmasking one layer of my persona after another, thus enabling
My innate intelligence to continue to gain insight into
Acknowledging a set of deeply repressed
Negatively focused attitudes, each of which
Proves in need of rewiring inside my head so as to cool down
My subconscious hot spots of resentment, which
Had been mistakenly short wired during difficult
Periods of my childhood, causing my self assessment to
Back fire, repeatedly, as though the primary inner conflict, which
Disrupted my inner peace at the age of three, has continued to
Exacerbate my inability to self-assess my self worth with
Accuracy whenever a hot spot is poked, and
The persistence of that vulnerability acts
Like a circuit breaker each time an opponent feels need to
Put me down by hot wiring together one of
My most admirable character traits with an insult so
Disparaging to my ego as to arouse my defense system to
Leap up and cast my processor’s cool as cucumber soup into
A boiling cauldron of seething resentment that causes
My brain to over heats until my natural connection to
Logical streams of thought are steaming with anger that has
Been subconsciously repressed within a tensely coiled state of
Raw frustration until hot buttons, pushed anew, catalyze
The spring release of inner tension that gushes out so as to
Cause my now openly seething think tank to reel so dizzily as to
Lose sight of my need to steady my intelligence to remain
Clearly focused on the solution-seeking track UNLESS, yet again
My Line of Self Control is called orth to calm
The injured portion of my ego, which wants to direct
My brain to defend my honor by attacking my attacker back
And if my injured ego manages to gain control over
My think think, that's when kettles start whistling Dixie while
Pots boil over, spewing yesteryear's emotional venom until
The emotional environment floods with so much
Dark and smoky, hot air that both sides end up choking and
Neither one can find his/her white hat ...
As I like to wear a white hat, you’re more than likely
To see me take a time out to keep the high road
In sight instead of rising to the bait when an opponent, reacting
More like ‘frenemy’ than friend, pushes one of
My hot spots during an emotionally charged debate, and
If you ask how to refuse being hooked, I'll reply, yet again
By consciously choosing to call forth
My well-practiced Line of Control, which
Directs my defense system to take an instantaneous
Time out on the spot to rein in the egocentric portion of
My processor from usurping control away from
My neo Cortex, because as long as
My defense system remains conscientiously self disciplined
I have a better chance of freeing my intuitive smarts to
Listen to my frenemy’s declarations concerning
Unmet needs while my connection to mental clarity
Remains intact, and since clarity enriches
My brain’s capacity to reply with
My inner strengths connected to common sense, I maintain
A calm inner sense of wholeness, which connects to
The epicenter of my soul, and each time
My brain and soul function as one, that's when
Heated debates in need of mutually respectful
Communication skills tend to magically transform
Stormy emotional outbursts into tension soothing
Brainstorming, solution-seeking sessions that
Make such sound use of leadership’s compassionate
Common sensical, reflective listening skills as to salve
Defensive reactions in hopes of encouraging
Attitudinal changes for the better that serve to reference
The very heart of the conflict at hand, and then—
In the aftermath of having transformed a struggle for
Power into a solution seeking conversation
My sense of self seeks time spent in solitude in
Order to make sound use of hindsight as I ponder over
Having taken an instrumental leadership role in
Calming emotional storminess on both sides so as to
Deepen my conscious awareness of
The well-balanced adult, whom I’ve chosen
To grow to be, and as the conscious portion of
My mind gains an ever-deepening connection
To my need to identify and rewire any additional
Negatively focused, self-conceived
Misperceptive exaggerations, concerning
Personal faults that cause me to stress subconsciously over
Feeling unworthy of love unless I meet with
Another person's definition of perfection, I remind
My generosity of spirit to offer myself the same
Gift of compassion as that offered to my opponent
—for example: During these past five weeks, when I was too ill
To minister to my family’s needs, my family lovingl
Ministered to mine, and because of that change in
Our roles, there were times when I became intuitively
Aware of subconscious patterns that were giving me
A really hard time as if my being sick before and after
Celina had surgery was a crime—though
My connection to logic knew that dueling against
Dual infections, simultaneously, was beyond
My control; in fact, since my Lee taxed immune system
Had naturally directed all of my energy toward
Winning that duel, I'd had to consciously work to
Regain peace of mind in order not
To waste energy on mind racing frustration, and so, if
Peace of mind references my conscious ability to
Relax my brain of inner tension by way of knowing when
To open my tool box to pull forth communicative
Problem solving acuity then
Inner peace references my ability to make sound use of
Specific tools in order to put my subconscious arousal of
Negatively focused attitudes to rest whenever
My spirit feels so ill or exhausted so as to deflate arousing
Out-dated, self-demeaning thought processes to arise
Attack and suck the life out of my accumulation of
Knowledge so as to lock today’s smarts in the dark until
I remember to take hold of the key that uncages
The gerbil, held hostage inside my head, beginning
When I was three and saw myself as a bad, little girl
And so we come to see why inner peace references
My growing ability to relax the injured egocentric
Self defeating, subconscious portion of my brain so as to
Free intuitive wisdom to engineer trains of thoughts that
Prove so purely wholesome as to, once again
Connect the dots that remind me to befriend myself by
Wholly relaxing mind, body and spirit so as to complete
The re-balanced circuit that brightly connects
My positively focused mental state with my good soul
(Something tells me that today’s insight-driven
Stream of consciousness will prove in need of editing—
Oh! What the heck! I’m going with the surge of spirit that's
Inspiring me to push publish, right now!)
Holy smokes! I just realized why the promised story won't come
(And perhaps this insight proves true for all of the
Stories, beginning with high school, as well—)
I at freely connect with those troubling years unless
My inner strengths serve as my driving force, and
Over these past five weeks, my spirit has felt too drained
To muster the energy to arouse my self assertive
Voice to initiate the authority necessary to pen stories of
Such a personal nature, which will surely alert
Repressed pain that I've not yet openly confronted to
Emerge, so this time, my defense system's natural resistance to
Readiness has been reacting to illness in a kinder more compassionate
Intuitive manner concerning my present state of vulnerability
(Not to be confused with personal shortcomings) than
My conscious mind was aware of until—just now!
You see, I often give my defense system a bad rep, which
Suggests that I have need to rebalance my view of
That portion of my brain, too—
My dear friend, Ellie says my trains of
Thought help her to better understand herself, and
God love her, she asks me to read my posts aloud
So, today, I read several posts, written over these
Past couple of weeks (both of our brains felt really dizzied
By the time I finished today's soliloquy), and dang it
If my eye didn't spy mistakes leaping out at me (as
One post was read after another), some of which were
Due to typing errors, some due to auto correct, others due to
Editing too quickly so as to have overlooked changes made in
Sentence structure that required modifying words (such as
Cange to changing or Thinking to think, etc), and
Most frustrating of all were trains of thought,which still
Remain far too complex for human consumption—Harrumph!
So that leaves me asking—do I back track to edit—again—
Or just go forth—accepting the fact that my posts offer up
More imperfections than I'd originally thought?
I'll not answer that question, right now, for this reason:
I finally feel well enough to go to the movies—
And as that's where we're heading, momentarily
Frustration just lifted, my spirit is smiling
The sun is shining and tis time for me to get ready for fun
Oh! One more thing—uh, on second thought
I don't want to be late so—it can wait ...
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