So why has my thought processor developed this compelling need to differentiate between those times when a current event disrupts my conscious peace of mind from those times when my subconscious reaction to a current event triggers yesteryear’s unresolved anxiety, repressed during childhood, to erupt, stimulating my emotionality to feel so exacerbated as to alert my basic survival instinct to redirect all of my processor’s mental energy away from clarity of thought in favor of hunkering down within my brain’s bunker soas to instantaneously surmise the best of three and only three plans of escape from that whichfeels like a near and present danger even though that life threatening danger, which is presently shattering my innermost sense of personal safety, took place in the distant past, suggestive of this fact: Yesteryear’s unresolved fear exists inside my head, where haunting memories of sudden death leave daunting questions unanswered, concerning my self worth, and as long as these questions, concerning sel worth stalk my soul’s peaceful existence, my mental processes feel compelled to quest ever more deeply into subconscious territory, as if seeking the answer to these questions, which I did not know to ask at the age of three:
Why did my grandpa, who’d appeared to one and all to be enjoying good health, suddenly disappear?
Why did my sister, who’d appeared to one and all to be enjoying good health, suddenly disappear during her nap, several weeks later?
Why did I, who had felt like the center of my family’s universe for the first three years of my life suddenly feel as if I was falling off a cliff into a dark, scary, bottomless pit where no matter how loudly, I’d ‘asked’ for help (by loudly demanding my grief stricken family’s loving attention), all I received after ‘acting out’ my deeply confounded, personally petrified, stressed out dstress (as terrified thee year olds are wont to react) was deeply stressed frowns and impatiently reactive voices, casting words of condemnation that landed on my head like a ton of bricks—OMG (surmised three year old me), as soon as something bad happens, no one cares about me! I could fall off the edge of our safe little world, and no one would even notice that I was gone. No one's arms are encircling me with heartfelt kindness when I cry for attention that has always been mine since the day I was born! If I don’t want to wander wanly from room to room feeling scared (half to death) and all alone then:
I’d better be good ... for the rest of my life!
So good that I’ll feel valued and loved by people I love
Or better yet, I'll feel loved by everyone in the world!
Wow! That will make me feel safe from loneliness and swift lashes of anger
No wait—good’s not good enough to provide my injured ego with
The personal sense of safety that I’ve lost—in fact
My newfound fear of worthlessness (which developed, over months of unrest) will
Influence my fear of emotional abandonment to over-compensate for good measure
So that rather than just being good, I’ll strive toward perfection in
Every aspect of life, surmising that as long as
My newly adopted persona 'performs' with perfection, no one, who is
Stressed out will have any reason to glare at me from across the room or
Grab me up and spank me soundly, and
With time, that was the subconscious plan cooked up by
My defense system to save the lonely, terrified, deeply injured portion of
My ego from slip sliding even further into that darkly stormy black hole, where
Beginning at that crucial time of early childhood personality development (between
Three and five years old) my fledgling self worth became solidly buried under
An avalanche of self condemnation that continued to layer up, year after year
Why? Because my deeply repressed, subconscious negative attitude and
Consciously lowered expectations of being loved less than I gave love, matched
So now you know how the concepts of personal perfection and personal safety
Got to be hot wired into a crossed wired state somewhere within
My subconscious, where scary secrets, concerning my insecure self image
Felt far too complex and profound for a three year old processor to
Even begin to fathom, much less comprehend, catalyzed
My intuitive quest to gain insight into why
My soul’s connection to inner peace became utterly entangled with
My subconscious fear of any personal imperfection that might
Catalyze a repeat of my feeling miserably left out in the cold to
Fend for myself if anything at all went amiss with any person’s life—
On my watch, and with over compensation acting as my closest ally
My defense system’s basic instinct, which had been
Permanently set to be on call 24/7, was
Autonomically alerted to arouse The Fixer to think up
A fool-proof-fix-it-plan-as-fast-as-possible that would surely
Lead everyone to a place of safety before the terrified little girl, who’d been
Buried alive within a subconscious dungeon at
The highly vulnerable age of three, could crash through
My defensive wall of denial and flatten my persona ... which
My conscious awareness had mistakenly seen as the true ME until
My power of intuition began to offer my conscious connection to
Self awareness a compelling need to dive ever more deeply into
Repressed pockets of my subconscious where scary secrets harbored
My fear of being so imperfect as to have condemned myself guilty of
Being unloved, because I was unlovable until insight after insight was
Gained, making me ever more astutely aware of my life long need to
Muster the courage and humility necessary to
Bulk up my inner strengths in order to ready my intelligence to
Unlock doors in my many layered wall of denial, behind which each
Next growth spurt waited to welcome my smarts to embrace
An endless series of leaps of faith over one aspect after another of
Yesteryear’s unrepressed, primary fear so as to
Open my eyes to see where the real ME has landed, currently
And as long as you choose to ride sidekick while, together
We watch my intelligent brain working, step by step, toward
Healing itself of childhood trauma, one layer of inter-related
Unrepressed anxiety at a time, we come to understand that each time
Another layer of my ego’s persona has been unmasked, that's when
My true self realizes this fact of my life: As imperfect as I may have been
At three years old, this woman, who is a very good person, was
Always a very good, lovable, deeply loved, little girl, as well
I've given myself a very hard time, over my entire life, because
Of a deeply confounded, terrified, three year old child's—misperception
Oy—
Over the years, I made countless decisions, based in my primary fear
Of emotional abandonment
Oy—
Boy oh boy—did I have a lot to learn about the inner me and inner peace!
And so we come to see why Socrates’ message of
Classic wisdom to know thyself ever more deeply
Comes with age to those of us who choose to grow
Ever more self aware of personal need to quest
Within in hopes of deepening our personal understanding of
The human brain’s innately defensive reaction of denial, which
Had served as the shield that protected our connection to
Sanity and personal safety from shattering during
Childhood’s most terrifying experiences ... and not
Until you choose to peel away at your defensive layers of denial will
You, like me, begin to unmask your ego’s persona, which
Denies the conscious portion of your thought processor
The key to unlocking the real you from feeling caged in
With subconscious anger, fear and pain that
Prohibits you from connecting soulfully to inner peace when
Something that’s beyond your fixer’s personal control goes haywire ...
And so, we also come to see that I choose to pen
These insight driven posts not just to relieve
My soulful connection to inner peace of undeserved angst but
Also to offer the retired communication’s instructor within me
A viable outlet to share love and life lessons in creative ways that
Inspire my self confident but unemployed 'fixer' to make sound use of
My self assertive voice by penning posts in hopes of creating
Change for the better throughout the world for as long as
I am blessed with the soulful strength of spirit to embrace
The reality of my advancing age which will not sour
My intuitive powers from guiding my positive attitude toward
Integrating my soulful connection to inner peace with the fact that
I have grown to be an individual whose self worth feels so
Well balanced as to fuel my spirit to feel fully alive for as long as
It's my good fortune to enjoy my imperfectly wonderful life within
The circle of those I love—whose loving words, actions and behaviors are
Well versed in signaling my emotional intelligence as to how
Deeply loved I am—and always have been—in good times and bad ...
Though this is not the first time that my intuition has ever written these insights
Writing over subconscious thought patterns that have been deeply imprinted within
The subconscious portion of my brain for more than seventy years is like
Trying to remove a tattoo, which, in addition to being painful is not
100% successful—on the other hand—I'll continue to write over these
Unrepressed, negatively focused attitudes, concerning the imperfect portions of
My self image if it's the last thing I do ... (A little humor never hurts–in fact
I can't think of a healthier way to end today's post than with words that
Have just inspired my never-give up spirit to light up my eyes with
A smile, signifying that the windows to my soul are open and facing
The future with a newly enhanced understanding of this fact:
The lost sense of inner peace that my conscious awareness has been chasing since
The age of three is truly mine for the taking—and what could feel better than that!
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