At the age of three, hyper vigilance became my brain's natural setting
Why? Because I felt need to stop danger from sneaking into my home and
Pulling the rug out from under my family's sense of inner peace
At seventy three, I've worked to strip away denial in favor of accepting
This reality: No matter my vigilance, the world as we know it has never been
A safe place to call home, suggesting why peace of mind is fleeting
With that insight in mind, common sense suggests that
From this day forward, I'll work toward adopting a new attitude in
Hopes of creating this change for the better when anxiety strikes:
I'll consciously call upon the courageous side of my brain to
Coax my trigger-happy, hyper vigilance to relax before
My over-active imagination shoots my intelligence in the head
I mean, seriously .. it makes no sense to retire The Family Fixer if
My brain's predisposition to hyper vigilance continues to run wild and free
Until anxiety drains the the main source of my mental energy dry
Since Mother Nature chose to divide the human think tank into
Two opposing sides (anxious negativity vs courageous positivity)
You can see why my line of control has had its work cut out for itself
(Anyone want to chance a guess at naming
The main source of the human brain's mental energy?
Here's a hint: It starts with an 's'
BTW, Post 1467G has been withdrawn for extensive editing
Thank goodness, my line of control has adopted a humble attitude, which
Holds fast to humility rather than giving humiliation free rein ...
Monday, June 19, 2017
Monday, June 12, 2017
1467F MUSTERING HUMILITY PROVES NECESSARY TO ASCEND TO RUNG THREE
Now that my sense of readiness has pulled this continuous train of thought, which, over these past several weeks, has been tunneling out of my depths into my conscious awareness, I'll be sure to review this series of posts multiple times for this reason: My think tank plans to sponge up every new string of insights that serves to illuminate my need to remember the wealth of knowledge, which has been stored in an orderly fashion within a wide assortment of file cabinets that will, hopefully, become more assessable to the expansive nature my conscious awareness than had been true in the past.
Thank goodness, my friend Socrates cared so deeply about the spiritual well-being of mankind as to have inspired Plato to pen his mentor's trains of thought in hopes of enticing the minds of future disciples (like me) to work industriously toward carving out insight-driven, existential paths of our own where individuals feel free to mindfully create and record step-by-step plans of action that will serve to disseminate a wealth of knowledge in hopes of strengthening a person's mental connection to positively focused attitudes in hopes of enhancing self worth as strategically as this week's brand new, three step plan is poised to heal the wounded portions of my self image so as to deliver the whole of my self esteem into the heartfelt embrace of my thought processor's emotionally matured sense of personal safety whenever negatively focused parent tapes, stored inside my head, are triggered to switch on, and once this week's three step plan feels firmly ensconced within the forefront of my mind, rarely will a positively focused train of thought spontaneously switch tracks toward those self defeating, overbearing parental attitudes, which had been empowered to guilt my host of adult personal strengths into cowering so shamefully as to collapse my self worth as suddenly as had proved true when my budding sense of self respect had been sucked into a bottle-necked, self-made quagmire of a sink hole if my think tank had exposed the audacity to refuse to vote in total agreement with my parents' or friends' defensive lines of reasoning. If peace at any cost had once been my subconscious motto, today, I can clearly see that what I'd elected to lose, until recent years, was the on-going development of my self respectful voice, which, depending on the circumstances, tends to come and go, depending upon the sliding scale that determines the momentary level of my self worth
As to now, you'd be surprised at how readily I can clearly express emotional trains of thought while writing, whereas confronting certain topics, person to person, still strains my brain to the point of twisting my tongue into tense, little knots, causing self assertive thoughts, which remain unvoiced, to back up, forming lumps of adrenaline-soaked anxiety that get stuck in my throat.
And now, let's ascend to the third rung of my step stool, where we'll see humility offering my present mindset sound reason to expand my sights, concerning my self worth, yet again, by way of enticing my think tank to muster the courage to take another huge leap of faith over the next layer of my defensive wall of denial, thus freeing the bright spotlight of insight to shine upon the subconscious train of thought that triggered this current episode of PTSD to highjack my think tank's connection to intelligence, logic, clarity and objectivity by sucking my self worth (along with my spirit) into a sink hole of my own making, several weeks back:
First of all, much of the subconscious commotion that overwhelms my thought processor's logical problem solving agility doth not infer that my mother and father (who were very good people) were not loving parents, because they were. Just as their defense systems' lack of patience made mistakes while raising their kids, I made mistakes while raising mine. And secondly, it's important to note that a wealth of self help books (other than the one authored by Dr. Spock), addressing the complex make-up of the human psyche, was not available to my parents' generation, suggesting the primary reason why much of the mental commotion that disrupts my peace of mind, from time to time, points toward my need to further develop my thought processor's organizational skills in hopes of rearranging the file cabinet stored inside my long range memory to operate like well oiled, finely tuned, solution seeking machine. In short, each time my brain short wires, some aspect of my thought processor, which runs 24/7, is in need of a tune up, so that if something triggers a negatively focused, subconscious file to fly open, my intuitive intelligence can spontaneously call forth my self respecting line of self control to identify and soothe yesteryear's pain before fear of additional pain hits anxiety's accelerator so quickly as to trigger a flood of adrenaline that unwittingly throws my entire think tank into reverse, freeing my limbic system to hijack my self worth before my neocortex regains the logic necessary to slam on the brakes and throw the throttle into park until my fully conscious sense of objective awareness rises above unresolved subconscious emotion in order to rebalance my subconscious fear of human vulnerability with sound reason for continuing to develop the connective tissue that serves to strengthen the bonds of my self worth (step one) and self respect (step two) in order to muster the courage to develop (practice using) my self assertive voice (step three) ...
Thank goodness, my friend Socrates cared so deeply about the spiritual well-being of mankind as to have inspired Plato to pen his mentor's trains of thought in hopes of enticing the minds of future disciples (like me) to work industriously toward carving out insight-driven, existential paths of our own where individuals feel free to mindfully create and record step-by-step plans of action that will serve to disseminate a wealth of knowledge in hopes of strengthening a person's mental connection to positively focused attitudes in hopes of enhancing self worth as strategically as this week's brand new, three step plan is poised to heal the wounded portions of my self image so as to deliver the whole of my self esteem into the heartfelt embrace of my thought processor's emotionally matured sense of personal safety whenever negatively focused parent tapes, stored inside my head, are triggered to switch on, and once this week's three step plan feels firmly ensconced within the forefront of my mind, rarely will a positively focused train of thought spontaneously switch tracks toward those self defeating, overbearing parental attitudes, which had been empowered to guilt my host of adult personal strengths into cowering so shamefully as to collapse my self worth as suddenly as had proved true when my budding sense of self respect had been sucked into a bottle-necked, self-made quagmire of a sink hole if my think tank had exposed the audacity to refuse to vote in total agreement with my parents' or friends' defensive lines of reasoning. If peace at any cost had once been my subconscious motto, today, I can clearly see that what I'd elected to lose, until recent years, was the on-going development of my self respectful voice, which, depending on the circumstances, tends to come and go, depending upon the sliding scale that determines the momentary level of my self worth
As to now, you'd be surprised at how readily I can clearly express emotional trains of thought while writing, whereas confronting certain topics, person to person, still strains my brain to the point of twisting my tongue into tense, little knots, causing self assertive thoughts, which remain unvoiced, to back up, forming lumps of adrenaline-soaked anxiety that get stuck in my throat.
And now, let's ascend to the third rung of my step stool, where we'll see humility offering my present mindset sound reason to expand my sights, concerning my self worth, yet again, by way of enticing my think tank to muster the courage to take another huge leap of faith over the next layer of my defensive wall of denial, thus freeing the bright spotlight of insight to shine upon the subconscious train of thought that triggered this current episode of PTSD to highjack my think tank's connection to intelligence, logic, clarity and objectivity by sucking my self worth (along with my spirit) into a sink hole of my own making, several weeks back:
First of all, much of the subconscious commotion that overwhelms my thought processor's logical problem solving agility doth not infer that my mother and father (who were very good people) were not loving parents, because they were. Just as their defense systems' lack of patience made mistakes while raising their kids, I made mistakes while raising mine. And secondly, it's important to note that a wealth of self help books (other than the one authored by Dr. Spock), addressing the complex make-up of the human psyche, was not available to my parents' generation, suggesting the primary reason why much of the mental commotion that disrupts my peace of mind, from time to time, points toward my need to further develop my thought processor's organizational skills in hopes of rearranging the file cabinet stored inside my long range memory to operate like well oiled, finely tuned, solution seeking machine. In short, each time my brain short wires, some aspect of my thought processor, which runs 24/7, is in need of a tune up, so that if something triggers a negatively focused, subconscious file to fly open, my intuitive intelligence can spontaneously call forth my self respecting line of self control to identify and soothe yesteryear's pain before fear of additional pain hits anxiety's accelerator so quickly as to trigger a flood of adrenaline that unwittingly throws my entire think tank into reverse, freeing my limbic system to hijack my self worth before my neocortex regains the logic necessary to slam on the brakes and throw the throttle into park until my fully conscious sense of objective awareness rises above unresolved subconscious emotion in order to rebalance my subconscious fear of human vulnerability with sound reason for continuing to develop the connective tissue that serves to strengthen the bonds of my self worth (step one) and self respect (step two) in order to muster the courage to develop (practice using) my self assertive voice (step three) ...
Sunday, June 11, 2017
1467E LET'S ASCEND TO RUNG TWO ON MY STEP STOOL
And up we go to step two, where a more expansive view of my need to identify another personal vulnerability opens my eyes to how often unhealed wounds to my self image prove responsible for pulling the rug out from under my sense of self worth whenever I forget to remind myself how often subconscious fear of displeasing my loved ones charges me guilty of committing such serious crimes as to pronounce myself unworthy of love until an intuitive train of thought, conveying insight into deeper truth to the conscious portion of my mind, has tunneled through my memory in search of highlightung a defining moment from my childhood, which shows me being too severely chastised so as to offer my growing sense of conscious awareness the clarity to see how often the hypnotic persistence of parental tapes act like the smoking gun that shoots me in the head, triggering subconscious episodes of PTSD in which I judge my human vulnerabilities guilty of committing crimes against my family so terrible as to sentence myself to life in purgatory as if, committing a series of misdemeanors is synonymous with deeming myself a serial killer, and having coaxed my intelligence to ascend to rung two of this virtual step stool, my brain, operating as an objective whole, can clearly grasp this next insight, which rising above the din of my subconscious fears, can be seen shining its spotlight on the primary reason why a previous train of thought had pronounced my brain capable of shrinking sink holes of mega proportions into potholes after time spent in solitary confinement offered my central nervous system a quiet place in which to relax inner tension, freeing my intuitive powers to reflect over a detailed account of my most recent thoughts, words, intentions and reactions, thus releasing objectivity to take the witness stand in hopes of offering my internal judge and jury sound reason to revoke my subconscious errors of self-judgment so as to declare a mistrial, based in new evidence, which proves my conscience innocent of having committed a series of crimes so heinous as to have severed my subconscious connection to self love, repeatedly, until today when my belief in my intuitive powers tossed my guilty conscience a rope with which to pull both sides of my mind (past and present), out of purgatory's sink hole, which I now know will never shrink into a pothole.
On the other hand, time spent in solitude provides my intelligence with a safe place where I can examine the overwhelming presence of subconscious fears, which (stalking my peace of mind like a pride of hungry lions pacing back and forth inside their cages) are in need of naming and taming in hopes of coaxing negatively focused attitudes to reform, freeing my intuitive intelligence to create positively focused, lasting changes for the better, which always prove to be my think tank's main goal, and suddenly, today's train of thought has provided me with the insight to see that my main goal for penning my life story has switched tracks from inspiring readers to seek to know themselves in depth toward securing my sense of objectivity before subconscious fear causes clarity to grow too hazy to identify when to throw my intuitive intelligence a rope in readiness to pull my self-respecting self image to shore moments before a pothole feels reason to grow into a mega-sized sink hole of my own making, inside my head. And thus has a plan shaped up inside my mind: As soon as my spirit feels itself slipping into a pothole that feels like a foxhole in which I feel need to protect my vulnerabilities from enemy fire, I'll toss my think tank one end of a rope (whose other end has been firmly tied to my trusty, three tiered step stool). Then, having enlisted my sense of courage to take hold of the loose end of the rope, I'll pull the wounded portions of my self respect out of harm's way and proceed to ascend my step stool in order to see over and beyond my wall of denial. And lo and behold, while standing on step three, I'll spy my lifelong need to turn down the volume on a series of negatively focused parental tapes that trigger an army of subconscious fears (concerning my unworthiness) to reawaken, shoot down my sense of objective reflection and imprison my sense of clarity in a tower, surrounded by fog. And not until the over-reactive nature of these parent tapes have been disarmed by my adult connection to common sense will my wounded sense of self respect stop flailing around, feeling lost in a flash flood of adrenaline, which serves to cast my thought processor's connection to logic adrift, struggling to lift my smarts above the mega swirl of mental confusion that pierces my heart as soon as any personal encounter stimulates a parent tape to switch itself on, triggering an episode of PTSD to filter so stealthily into my conscious awareness as to capture my thought processor within a subconscious trance as quickly as the wave of a wizard's wand can cast a hypnotic spell ...
Fortunately, this imaginative wizard, who calls my think tank, home, is also capable of creating positively focused spells, which rather than being hypnotic, prove transformative in the best of ways
Unfortunately, reversing hypnotic spells, based in the subconscious arousal of negatively focused parental tapes, takes time, energy and work, because subconscious attitudes, like habits, are highly unlikely to change for the better with the wave of a wand ...
As to my ending today's post on a negative note, that's not really the case
In fact, what I've done is to consciously call forth objectivity to shine its bright spotlight of insight upon my intuitive need to balance positive focus with clear shots of reality in hopes of injecting today's connection between self respect and self worth with common sense
Oh! One more thing:
Did I think to mention that 'parent tapes' serve as an umbrella, covering a wide assortment of self deprecating memories of insults, which had spewed so freely from the mouths of boys and girls, whose bullying tendencies had caused my self worth to shrink back behind my many layered wall of denial before school, after school and on the playground, as well?
Oh! One last thing:
Did I remember to highlight that each insulting slur, woven into a child's memory, is seven times more weighty when determining sliding scales of self esteem than is true of compliments?
PS
If there's one thing that I know for certain it's this:
The positively focused wizard, who calls my think tank home, has her work cut out for her ... good thing her primary mantra reminds her to never give up on making sound use of self-transformative creativity, which, culminating in change for the better, lifts my mind and spirit above yesteryear's subconscious fog, one step stool at a time ...
On the other hand, time spent in solitude provides my intelligence with a safe place where I can examine the overwhelming presence of subconscious fears, which (stalking my peace of mind like a pride of hungry lions pacing back and forth inside their cages) are in need of naming and taming in hopes of coaxing negatively focused attitudes to reform, freeing my intuitive intelligence to create positively focused, lasting changes for the better, which always prove to be my think tank's main goal, and suddenly, today's train of thought has provided me with the insight to see that my main goal for penning my life story has switched tracks from inspiring readers to seek to know themselves in depth toward securing my sense of objectivity before subconscious fear causes clarity to grow too hazy to identify when to throw my intuitive intelligence a rope in readiness to pull my self-respecting self image to shore moments before a pothole feels reason to grow into a mega-sized sink hole of my own making, inside my head. And thus has a plan shaped up inside my mind: As soon as my spirit feels itself slipping into a pothole that feels like a foxhole in which I feel need to protect my vulnerabilities from enemy fire, I'll toss my think tank one end of a rope (whose other end has been firmly tied to my trusty, three tiered step stool). Then, having enlisted my sense of courage to take hold of the loose end of the rope, I'll pull the wounded portions of my self respect out of harm's way and proceed to ascend my step stool in order to see over and beyond my wall of denial. And lo and behold, while standing on step three, I'll spy my lifelong need to turn down the volume on a series of negatively focused parental tapes that trigger an army of subconscious fears (concerning my unworthiness) to reawaken, shoot down my sense of objective reflection and imprison my sense of clarity in a tower, surrounded by fog. And not until the over-reactive nature of these parent tapes have been disarmed by my adult connection to common sense will my wounded sense of self respect stop flailing around, feeling lost in a flash flood of adrenaline, which serves to cast my thought processor's connection to logic adrift, struggling to lift my smarts above the mega swirl of mental confusion that pierces my heart as soon as any personal encounter stimulates a parent tape to switch itself on, triggering an episode of PTSD to filter so stealthily into my conscious awareness as to capture my thought processor within a subconscious trance as quickly as the wave of a wizard's wand can cast a hypnotic spell ...
Fortunately, this imaginative wizard, who calls my think tank, home, is also capable of creating positively focused spells, which rather than being hypnotic, prove transformative in the best of ways
Unfortunately, reversing hypnotic spells, based in the subconscious arousal of negatively focused parental tapes, takes time, energy and work, because subconscious attitudes, like habits, are highly unlikely to change for the better with the wave of a wand ...
As to my ending today's post on a negative note, that's not really the case
In fact, what I've done is to consciously call forth objectivity to shine its bright spotlight of insight upon my intuitive need to balance positive focus with clear shots of reality in hopes of injecting today's connection between self respect and self worth with common sense
Oh! One more thing:
Did I think to mention that 'parent tapes' serve as an umbrella, covering a wide assortment of self deprecating memories of insults, which had spewed so freely from the mouths of boys and girls, whose bullying tendencies had caused my self worth to shrink back behind my many layered wall of denial before school, after school and on the playground, as well?
Oh! One last thing:
Did I remember to highlight that each insulting slur, woven into a child's memory, is seven times more weighty when determining sliding scales of self esteem than is true of compliments?
PS
If there's one thing that I know for certain it's this:
The positively focused wizard, who calls my think tank home, has her work cut out for her ... good thing her primary mantra reminds her to never give up on making sound use of self-transformative creativity, which, culminating in change for the better, lifts my mind and spirit above yesteryear's subconscious fog, one step stool at a time ...
Thursday, June 8, 2017
1467D FEAR NAMED IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH FEAR TAMED
Having named many fears that haunt my social conscience sees me standing on the first rung of a virtual step stool that my sense of courage must climb if I hope to peer beyond this current layer of my defense system's wall of denial in order to get a clear view of a negatively focused character trait that I've not yet consciously acknowledged as my own. And if you ask why my power of intuition has suddenly compelled my conscious awareness to tune into parent tapes, I'd reply: Whenever my peace of mind succumbs to a confounding rise in my stress level, my survival instinct floods my mind with adrenaline-driven anxiety, offering my smarts sound reason to rebalance my present perspective of personal vulnerabilities and strengths by directing insight's spotlight to focus my conscious awareness upon a specific train of thought that will identify my subconscious resistance to maximizing my contentment at this late stage of my life ... after all, if longevity is in my genes then it's highly possible that a fourth of my life is yet to be enjoyed!
As is true of most posts, I began to write post 1467C without a conscious clue as to how my intuitive powers might coax my conscious awareness to identify a mysterious train of thought, which has been tunneling through my subconscious, disrupting my peace of mind until a string of insights shone its spotlight upon that step stool, mentioned above, and once the presence of this step stool shaped up inside my mind, curiosity aroused the imaginative portion of my brain to muster the gumption to climb up to the first rung in hopes of discovering another negatively focused character trait or unnamed fear that's been haunting my self image with bouts of undeserved guilt ever since childhood when the undeveloped nature of my thought processor had misinterpreted the complex nature of explosive emotional reactions emanating impatiently from authority figures to whom I'd offered my love so unconditionally as to have patterned my mind to believe that any demonstration of over-reactiveness on their parts must have, somehow, been all my fault ... so if, consequential of my youthful inability to comprehend emotional complexity, I'd committed an on-going series of age-appropriate misdemeanors only to find myself falling victim to overwhelming and deeply confounding internal sensations of parental pressure to toe the impossible mark of perfection, most especially in the wake of Janet's tragic death when tension, grief and tortured exclamations of blame ran so high as to annihilate any reaction resembling patience with a deeply confounded, panic stricken, three year old tyke then we can understand what caused my think tank to split into warring camps, one side of which would consciously and courageously stamp my foot, declaring myself innocent of committing murder while subconsciously my three year old mind would have unwittingly absorbed absolute authority's lack of objectivity, suggestive of my inexperienced intelligence succumbing to condemning myself guilty as charged of wrongdoing so heinous as to misjudge myself unworthy of love, and knowing that the subconscious self-worth of a pleaser with perfectionistic tendencies depends upon the sliding scale of outside validation, my connection to self love would subconsciously sever from my personal sense of safety each time a loved one or authority figure so much as frowned in my direction, and now that my intuition has empowered today's mysterious train of thought to tunnel through my subconscious, coupling insights together until deeper truth has guided our conscious minds to see the light of a brand new dawning, we come to see why over achievers feel compelled to do more than our fair share whenever help may be needed so as to block an eruptive episode of PTSD from sitting a good child in the hot seat, where she or he, feeling deeply wounded and utterly confounded, replays parent tapes, which serve to disconnect intelligent thought from self respect as soon as subconscious flashbacks, which stimulate anxiety to strike, open sink holes within our think tanks of such mega proportions as to suck the energy right out of our spirits' sense of personal safety, leaving our thought processors feeling blindsided by mental confusion, which signals an attitude of defensiveness to usurp control over the human brain's ability to think smart on the spot, and once defensiveness displaces objectivity, my sudden lack of self respect threatens my peace of mind with resurrecting the same degree of emotional pain, fear and grief as had been true during my youth when, having disappointed a loved one, all I'd wanted to do was to curl up in the fetal position and pull a paper bag over my head so as to hide my shameful imperfections from prying eyes until my spirit, feeling somewhat re-energized, inspires my intuitive intelligence to grow ever more attentive to my need to muster the courage to remove the paper bag and open my eyes to confront and absorb yet another insight-laden, deeper truth, concerning a vulnerability that has been in need of clarifying, naming and strengthening ever since the role I'd assumed as The Fixer in the aftermath of my birth family's tragedy led three-year old me to carve out a path where a hefty portion of my fledgling sense of self-respect had failed to develop the wingspan necessary to expand my horizons beyond serving the needs of those I love so as to free my smarts to choose when to fly on my own, above the incessant demands of the maddening crowd most especially at those times when conflicting needs crash into each other's heads so painfully as to force me to fly separate from the flock in order to hear my voice declaring that my think tank heed my inner need to empower my personal strengths to lift my sense of self respect over parent tapes, which had focused my perfectionistic-good girl-tendencies toward toeing the mark by clipping my own wings, repeatedly ...
Whew!
As is true of most posts, I began to write post 1467C without a conscious clue as to how my intuitive powers might coax my conscious awareness to identify a mysterious train of thought, which has been tunneling through my subconscious, disrupting my peace of mind until a string of insights shone its spotlight upon that step stool, mentioned above, and once the presence of this step stool shaped up inside my mind, curiosity aroused the imaginative portion of my brain to muster the gumption to climb up to the first rung in hopes of discovering another negatively focused character trait or unnamed fear that's been haunting my self image with bouts of undeserved guilt ever since childhood when the undeveloped nature of my thought processor had misinterpreted the complex nature of explosive emotional reactions emanating impatiently from authority figures to whom I'd offered my love so unconditionally as to have patterned my mind to believe that any demonstration of over-reactiveness on their parts must have, somehow, been all my fault ... so if, consequential of my youthful inability to comprehend emotional complexity, I'd committed an on-going series of age-appropriate misdemeanors only to find myself falling victim to overwhelming and deeply confounding internal sensations of parental pressure to toe the impossible mark of perfection, most especially in the wake of Janet's tragic death when tension, grief and tortured exclamations of blame ran so high as to annihilate any reaction resembling patience with a deeply confounded, panic stricken, three year old tyke then we can understand what caused my think tank to split into warring camps, one side of which would consciously and courageously stamp my foot, declaring myself innocent of committing murder while subconsciously my three year old mind would have unwittingly absorbed absolute authority's lack of objectivity, suggestive of my inexperienced intelligence succumbing to condemning myself guilty as charged of wrongdoing so heinous as to misjudge myself unworthy of love, and knowing that the subconscious self-worth of a pleaser with perfectionistic tendencies depends upon the sliding scale of outside validation, my connection to self love would subconsciously sever from my personal sense of safety each time a loved one or authority figure so much as frowned in my direction, and now that my intuition has empowered today's mysterious train of thought to tunnel through my subconscious, coupling insights together until deeper truth has guided our conscious minds to see the light of a brand new dawning, we come to see why over achievers feel compelled to do more than our fair share whenever help may be needed so as to block an eruptive episode of PTSD from sitting a good child in the hot seat, where she or he, feeling deeply wounded and utterly confounded, replays parent tapes, which serve to disconnect intelligent thought from self respect as soon as subconscious flashbacks, which stimulate anxiety to strike, open sink holes within our think tanks of such mega proportions as to suck the energy right out of our spirits' sense of personal safety, leaving our thought processors feeling blindsided by mental confusion, which signals an attitude of defensiveness to usurp control over the human brain's ability to think smart on the spot, and once defensiveness displaces objectivity, my sudden lack of self respect threatens my peace of mind with resurrecting the same degree of emotional pain, fear and grief as had been true during my youth when, having disappointed a loved one, all I'd wanted to do was to curl up in the fetal position and pull a paper bag over my head so as to hide my shameful imperfections from prying eyes until my spirit, feeling somewhat re-energized, inspires my intuitive intelligence to grow ever more attentive to my need to muster the courage to remove the paper bag and open my eyes to confront and absorb yet another insight-laden, deeper truth, concerning a vulnerability that has been in need of clarifying, naming and strengthening ever since the role I'd assumed as The Fixer in the aftermath of my birth family's tragedy led three-year old me to carve out a path where a hefty portion of my fledgling sense of self-respect had failed to develop the wingspan necessary to expand my horizons beyond serving the needs of those I love so as to free my smarts to choose when to fly on my own, above the incessant demands of the maddening crowd most especially at those times when conflicting needs crash into each other's heads so painfully as to force me to fly separate from the flock in order to hear my voice declaring that my think tank heed my inner need to empower my personal strengths to lift my sense of self respect over parent tapes, which had focused my perfectionistic-good girl-tendencies toward toeing the mark by clipping my own wings, repeatedly ...
Whew!
Tuesday, June 6, 2017
1467C MY CURRENT INNER CONFLICT HAS BEEN NAMED!
Aha!
It's The Fixer's subconscious resistance to retirement that has been undermining
My peace of mind by attempting to usurp control over my think tank, anew!
And while I've been blaming 'old age' for my inability to muster the energy to
Sit unnamed fear in a time out chair, insight into deeper truth suggests that
Most of my mental energy has been redirected toward wrestling with
The Fixer, who has been stealthily attempting to turn my think tank into
A five star general, capable of winning a war that continues to
Confound all the people in the world who feel compelled to
Defeat terrorists of all ages on so many fronts that
It's next to impossible to leave our homes, feeling safe ...
Yesterday, while listing fears, did I remember to include
Global warming and the 'ify' nature of our stock market's volitility?
Did I mention inadequate funding allocated for our children's schools? Or
Rising premiums on medical insurance? How about families and friends
Mourning countless lives lost in battle? Veterans returning in need of
Artificial limbs as well as EMDR therapy to ease the subconscious
Portion of their battle-fatigued minds of PTSD? Old age looming
Directly overhead? (Geez! Can you imagine the nervy nature of that fear
Managing to squeeze itself out of my subconscious, again, right here?)
And let's not forget the slo-mo war being fought throughout
The Middle East, which the world congress has done too little to stop from
Exploding over innocent heads on both sides for so long a time that
Future historians will S urely look back upon this war as rivaling
The Hundred Year War by thousands of years! Though leadership
Throughout the greater part of the Middle East has consistently
Fueled the fires of anti semitism to flare in a most glaring manner
This pressing problem of global refusal to fully acknowledge
The damaging factor of propagating prejudicial slurs of
One people against another has been in the process of
Unrepressing throughout our nation ever since Trump's
Divisive attitude opened the door in our communal wall of
Denial, behind which lies that sink hole of mega proportions, within
Which lurks a giant deterrent to world peace that embodies
The evil capacity to swallow up our global state of
Mental confusion just as a giant serpent can swallow
A sleeping man whole, so perhaps with all of these files
Flying open inside my mind, my mental connection to
Positive focus could only stretch so far before my brain, feeling
Bulldozed by my Fixer's need to resolve conflicts beyond
My control, ran smack into this episode of PTSD (if I'm enjoying
This stage of my life rather than pulling the wounded off
Battlefields then my self worth slides into a quagmire of
Quicksand faster than my think tank can throw itself a rope),
As each episode of PTSD stimulates my survival instinct to
Arise and shut down my sense of logic, diverting every iota of
My mental energy toward maximizing my ability to
Fight, flee or freeze in hopes of saving humanity from
Annihilating itself (thus, saving my life, as well)
My subconscious need to call forth The Fixer (who
Had need to retire) to save the world from
Imploding or exploding, whichever comes first ... explains why
The subconscious portion of my brain succeeded in hijacking
My sense of clarity's connection to logic, leaving most of
My brain, body and spirit feeling utterly overwhelmed by
The attitude of doom and gloom that pinned 99% of
My positive focus to the mat. And now that
My fully conscious, frightening confrontation with clarity
Has shown us why subconscious need to feel safe in an unsafe world
Directed my power of positive thinking to shrink a sinkhole as
Monumental as this one proves to be into a pothole, we can also see why
My Herculean efforts to bury subconscious fear, pain and anger
Ever more deeply within my subconscious served to overwhelm
My think tank, which assumed that my spirit could prevail by
Sailing over world-wide pain, anger and fear, which, rather than
Being imagined, is ever so real as to inspire my sense of insight to
Internalize the pain of others while my positively focused attitude wrestles with
Monstrous degrees of negatively focused cruelty, which continues to erupt as
Madness, escaping from within the bowels of mindless barbarism
Brainwashes human beings of all ages to revel in maiming and murdering
Innocent victims in the name of extremist fervor not unlike
The flaming tirades of religious zealots during
The Spanish Inquisition (when Morranos hid their Jewish affiliation in
Basements throughout Italy), unlike righteous Christians, who, within
My lifetime, chose to hide Jews from Nazis in attics and basements
Throughout Europe ... and knowing that both sides of
Human nature compete for space within every person's brain
What are we to do when today's brutal extremists threaten to
Usurp control over the world as a whole?
We most certainly do not elect a President whose utter lack of
Respect for diplomatic, solution seeking skills makes matters even worse!
And yet, that's precisely what we just did, and if that
Unbelievable reality has blown holes through my sense of sanity then
What else must befall us, as a nation, before our congress awakens to
Their need to hold themselves accountable to serve the greater
Good of our nation by not dragging their collective feet in fear of
Losing their seats, which they no longer deserve to call
Their own, because each and every time congress is in session, the
Main responsibility is to meet ... not the dictates of their parties or
To pander to the greed of big business or to propagate personally
Prejudicial attitudes but rather to heed their citizens' need to secure
Physical safety from harm and freedom of mind and heart
All of which are necessary to securing spiritual health
When we fail to connect the dots linking Simon Legree's whip with
Hitler's death threats to rule the world with Islamic extremists' declarations of
World dominance, we fail to note that Israel is not the only nation facing
The unconscionable threat of being drowned in the sea or blown to
Smithereens, whichever comes first... so when our President's narrow minded
Attitude of divisive isolationism inspires fear in deep thinking minds, I believe
That's because a majority of like-minded people throughout our nation, many of
Whom failed to vote, have not forgotten that united we must stand if extremists
Brainwashed to die for reasons that defy logic, are to be defeated, once and for all
This bigger picture that my intuitive powers just released from
The inner sanctum of my mind, where an overwhelming storehouse of
Fear and anger may still be repressed, suggests that Trump's blustering
Think tank blinds his intelligence and that of his cronies from acknowledging
Our current set of global crises (which the nations of the world as a whole can
No longer deny) with anything resembling clarity is this:
At the same time that the nations, which make up our world, are facing
A host of man-made crises, our president's lack of insight, concerning
The bigger picture, is darkening the attitudes of our allies when
We're in need of reacting like a band of brothers as had proved true during
World War I and World War II ... and if it's true that
United we stand so as to eventually win over extremist attitudes then
Tis also true that divided we fail each other so miserably as to have
Inspired my power of intuitive thought to break through my
Wall of denial and openly confront a host of subconscious fears that
Ganged up on my inner strengths like a bunch of thugs until
My thought processor's body of acquired knowledge
STOOD UP TO CONSCIOUSLY CONFRONT THIS EPISODE OF PTSD
So as to free the overwelming pressure of repressed subconscious fear, which
Made me feel as if a near and present, personally threatening
Stranger Danger was closing in, and by naming my fears, I've managed to
Regain control over the presence of mindfulness necessary to state
This trilogy of posts so clearly for myself as to identify
The host of inner conflicts that had fuzzied up my brain, blocking
My sense of insight from spotlighting my need to act wholely in
My best interest by consciously reminding my Fixer to accept
Its recent retirement, thus freeing my aging (but proactive) mind to
Relax until an ethical candidate emerges from within the ranks of
Leadership, whose communication skills and oratory strengths can
Rally the majority of well-educated American voters to
Open their eyes, ears and mindsets before our current blowhard leaves
Naught but carnage in the wake of his egocentric, rabble rousing
Reign over the free and the brave, and having summoned
A positive thought, at last (based in my belief that
It's impossible to think that no one, across our great nation, embodies
Those personal strengths) I'm about to pull this post into a rest station, and
Take a leap of faith off this train of thought in favor of fully appreciating
My good fortune to enjoy a play date with Ravi's bright, young mind, which
Never fails to charm mine with everything her thought processor
Soaks up as eagerly as a brand new, thirsty sponge ... and just think ...
The only thing that this trilogy of posts has changed, thus far, is my attitude
It's The Fixer's subconscious resistance to retirement that has been undermining
My peace of mind by attempting to usurp control over my think tank, anew!
And while I've been blaming 'old age' for my inability to muster the energy to
Sit unnamed fear in a time out chair, insight into deeper truth suggests that
Most of my mental energy has been redirected toward wrestling with
The Fixer, who has been stealthily attempting to turn my think tank into
A five star general, capable of winning a war that continues to
Confound all the people in the world who feel compelled to
Defeat terrorists of all ages on so many fronts that
It's next to impossible to leave our homes, feeling safe ...
Yesterday, while listing fears, did I remember to include
Global warming and the 'ify' nature of our stock market's volitility?
Did I mention inadequate funding allocated for our children's schools? Or
Rising premiums on medical insurance? How about families and friends
Mourning countless lives lost in battle? Veterans returning in need of
Artificial limbs as well as EMDR therapy to ease the subconscious
Portion of their battle-fatigued minds of PTSD? Old age looming
Directly overhead? (Geez! Can you imagine the nervy nature of that fear
Managing to squeeze itself out of my subconscious, again, right here?)
And let's not forget the slo-mo war being fought throughout
The Middle East, which the world congress has done too little to stop from
Exploding over innocent heads on both sides for so long a time that
Future historians will S urely look back upon this war as rivaling
The Hundred Year War by thousands of years! Though leadership
Throughout the greater part of the Middle East has consistently
Fueled the fires of anti semitism to flare in a most glaring manner
This pressing problem of global refusal to fully acknowledge
The damaging factor of propagating prejudicial slurs of
One people against another has been in the process of
Unrepressing throughout our nation ever since Trump's
Divisive attitude opened the door in our communal wall of
Denial, behind which lies that sink hole of mega proportions, within
Which lurks a giant deterrent to world peace that embodies
The evil capacity to swallow up our global state of
Mental confusion just as a giant serpent can swallow
A sleeping man whole, so perhaps with all of these files
Flying open inside my mind, my mental connection to
Positive focus could only stretch so far before my brain, feeling
Bulldozed by my Fixer's need to resolve conflicts beyond
My control, ran smack into this episode of PTSD (if I'm enjoying
This stage of my life rather than pulling the wounded off
Battlefields then my self worth slides into a quagmire of
Quicksand faster than my think tank can throw itself a rope),
As each episode of PTSD stimulates my survival instinct to
Arise and shut down my sense of logic, diverting every iota of
My mental energy toward maximizing my ability to
Fight, flee or freeze in hopes of saving humanity from
Annihilating itself (thus, saving my life, as well)
My subconscious need to call forth The Fixer (who
Had need to retire) to save the world from
Imploding or exploding, whichever comes first ... explains why
The subconscious portion of my brain succeeded in hijacking
My sense of clarity's connection to logic, leaving most of
My brain, body and spirit feeling utterly overwhelmed by
The attitude of doom and gloom that pinned 99% of
My positive focus to the mat. And now that
My fully conscious, frightening confrontation with clarity
Has shown us why subconscious need to feel safe in an unsafe world
Directed my power of positive thinking to shrink a sinkhole as
Monumental as this one proves to be into a pothole, we can also see why
My Herculean efforts to bury subconscious fear, pain and anger
Ever more deeply within my subconscious served to overwhelm
My think tank, which assumed that my spirit could prevail by
Sailing over world-wide pain, anger and fear, which, rather than
Being imagined, is ever so real as to inspire my sense of insight to
Internalize the pain of others while my positively focused attitude wrestles with
Monstrous degrees of negatively focused cruelty, which continues to erupt as
Madness, escaping from within the bowels of mindless barbarism
Brainwashes human beings of all ages to revel in maiming and murdering
Innocent victims in the name of extremist fervor not unlike
The flaming tirades of religious zealots during
The Spanish Inquisition (when Morranos hid their Jewish affiliation in
Basements throughout Italy), unlike righteous Christians, who, within
My lifetime, chose to hide Jews from Nazis in attics and basements
Throughout Europe ... and knowing that both sides of
Human nature compete for space within every person's brain
What are we to do when today's brutal extremists threaten to
Usurp control over the world as a whole?
We most certainly do not elect a President whose utter lack of
Respect for diplomatic, solution seeking skills makes matters even worse!
And yet, that's precisely what we just did, and if that
Unbelievable reality has blown holes through my sense of sanity then
What else must befall us, as a nation, before our congress awakens to
Their need to hold themselves accountable to serve the greater
Good of our nation by not dragging their collective feet in fear of
Losing their seats, which they no longer deserve to call
Their own, because each and every time congress is in session, the
Main responsibility is to meet ... not the dictates of their parties or
To pander to the greed of big business or to propagate personally
Prejudicial attitudes but rather to heed their citizens' need to secure
Physical safety from harm and freedom of mind and heart
All of which are necessary to securing spiritual health
When we fail to connect the dots linking Simon Legree's whip with
Hitler's death threats to rule the world with Islamic extremists' declarations of
World dominance, we fail to note that Israel is not the only nation facing
The unconscionable threat of being drowned in the sea or blown to
Smithereens, whichever comes first... so when our President's narrow minded
Attitude of divisive isolationism inspires fear in deep thinking minds, I believe
That's because a majority of like-minded people throughout our nation, many of
Whom failed to vote, have not forgotten that united we must stand if extremists
Brainwashed to die for reasons that defy logic, are to be defeated, once and for all
This bigger picture that my intuitive powers just released from
The inner sanctum of my mind, where an overwhelming storehouse of
Fear and anger may still be repressed, suggests that Trump's blustering
Think tank blinds his intelligence and that of his cronies from acknowledging
Our current set of global crises (which the nations of the world as a whole can
No longer deny) with anything resembling clarity is this:
At the same time that the nations, which make up our world, are facing
A host of man-made crises, our president's lack of insight, concerning
The bigger picture, is darkening the attitudes of our allies when
We're in need of reacting like a band of brothers as had proved true during
World War I and World War II ... and if it's true that
United we stand so as to eventually win over extremist attitudes then
Tis also true that divided we fail each other so miserably as to have
Inspired my power of intuitive thought to break through my
Wall of denial and openly confront a host of subconscious fears that
Ganged up on my inner strengths like a bunch of thugs until
My thought processor's body of acquired knowledge
STOOD UP TO CONSCIOUSLY CONFRONT THIS EPISODE OF PTSD
So as to free the overwelming pressure of repressed subconscious fear, which
Made me feel as if a near and present, personally threatening
Stranger Danger was closing in, and by naming my fears, I've managed to
Regain control over the presence of mindfulness necessary to state
This trilogy of posts so clearly for myself as to identify
The host of inner conflicts that had fuzzied up my brain, blocking
My sense of insight from spotlighting my need to act wholely in
My best interest by consciously reminding my Fixer to accept
Its recent retirement, thus freeing my aging (but proactive) mind to
Relax until an ethical candidate emerges from within the ranks of
Leadership, whose communication skills and oratory strengths can
Rally the majority of well-educated American voters to
Open their eyes, ears and mindsets before our current blowhard leaves
Naught but carnage in the wake of his egocentric, rabble rousing
Reign over the free and the brave, and having summoned
A positive thought, at last (based in my belief that
It's impossible to think that no one, across our great nation, embodies
Those personal strengths) I'm about to pull this post into a rest station, and
Take a leap of faith off this train of thought in favor of fully appreciating
My good fortune to enjoy a play date with Ravi's bright, young mind, which
Never fails to charm mine with everything her thought processor
Soaks up as eagerly as a brand new, thirsty sponge ... and just think ...
The only thing that this trilogy of posts has changed, thus far, is my attitude
Monday, June 5, 2017
1467B AN OVER-WROUGHT TRAIN OF THOUGHT
Upon awakening, this morning, my eyes opened to see
Will smiling at me, and naturally, I offered up
A tremulous smile of my own, followed by hearing
This train of conscious thought chugging out of
The tunnel inside my brain where repressed emotion
Seeks to be illuminated by the bright light of insight, which
Thankfully began to pour forth, ever so naturally, from my mouth:
I'm completely overwhelmed by my inability to repair
All that's broken throughout the world, and
That's why I can't read the paper, watch the news or
Accept the fact that Trump was actually elected to uphold
The highest office in the land ...
I can't stand to watch people, educated or not, continue to
Make a mess of the world, and my mantra (one of several, which
Had in the past served to remind me of my human limitations)
Is not producing a calming effect on the heightened level of
Frustration that continues to irritate my peace of mind until
My storehouse of patience feels so unnerved as if
Malevolence is closing in on all sides, and though
I know that the world was messy before I was born, and
It will be messy after I'm gone, while I'm still here, deeper truth
Suggests that all I need do to calm down this overwhelming
Sense of frustration is to accept the fact that most of
The ills of the world are beyond my control, and once that
Train of thought finds its angle of repose inside
My head, my time and energy can attend to tidying up
My little corner of the world ... Sounds good. Right?
Except here's the rub: Though that stream of consciousness
Worked like magic before Trump's election, all of
The bafoonary that's taken place in the aftermath of
His inauguration has stimulated my sense of
Politics to grow hyper-critical of the alarming degree of
Corruption that persists throughout every level of
Our governing bodies, which is why I can no longer define
The boundaries that separate my little corner from
The world at large, and my inability to compartmentalize
My mind frees my imagination to go to the dark side as if
Terrorist extremists, drug cartels, sex traffickers
Child soldiers shouldering rifles, gunmen aiming to invade
The sanctity of our schools where latch key children
Starving for parental attentiveness, grow up to join forces with
Corporate American Midas-like greed, and knowing that
Subconscious attitudes such as these prove to be based
In reality overwhelms my peace of mind ... and if
You agree that this list of fears is incomplete ...
You couldn't be more right if you tried ...
Will smiling at me, and naturally, I offered up
A tremulous smile of my own, followed by hearing
This train of conscious thought chugging out of
The tunnel inside my brain where repressed emotion
Seeks to be illuminated by the bright light of insight, which
Thankfully began to pour forth, ever so naturally, from my mouth:
I'm completely overwhelmed by my inability to repair
All that's broken throughout the world, and
That's why I can't read the paper, watch the news or
Accept the fact that Trump was actually elected to uphold
The highest office in the land ...
I can't stand to watch people, educated or not, continue to
Make a mess of the world, and my mantra (one of several, which
Had in the past served to remind me of my human limitations)
Is not producing a calming effect on the heightened level of
Frustration that continues to irritate my peace of mind until
My storehouse of patience feels so unnerved as if
Malevolence is closing in on all sides, and though
I know that the world was messy before I was born, and
It will be messy after I'm gone, while I'm still here, deeper truth
Suggests that all I need do to calm down this overwhelming
Sense of frustration is to accept the fact that most of
The ills of the world are beyond my control, and once that
Train of thought finds its angle of repose inside
My head, my time and energy can attend to tidying up
My little corner of the world ... Sounds good. Right?
Except here's the rub: Though that stream of consciousness
Worked like magic before Trump's election, all of
The bafoonary that's taken place in the aftermath of
His inauguration has stimulated my sense of
Politics to grow hyper-critical of the alarming degree of
Corruption that persists throughout every level of
Our governing bodies, which is why I can no longer define
The boundaries that separate my little corner from
The world at large, and my inability to compartmentalize
My mind frees my imagination to go to the dark side as if
Terrorist extremists, drug cartels, sex traffickers
Child soldiers shouldering rifles, gunmen aiming to invade
The sanctity of our schools where latch key children
Starving for parental attentiveness, grow up to join forces with
Corporate American Midas-like greed, and knowing that
Subconscious attitudes such as these prove to be based
In reality overwhelms my peace of mind ... and if
You agree that this list of fears is incomplete ...
You couldn't be more right if you tried ...
Sunday, June 4, 2017
1467A BACK TO EASIER SAID THAN DONE
Over these past few weeks, I've relied on my intuitive powers to release the answer to this question: What the heck has been causing my thought processor to feel too hazy to think clearly? And though, during recent weeks, my stream of consciousness has considered a list of possible causations, this intermittent sense of mental confusion persists in plaguing my mind, suggesting that the main source of my thought processor's emotional irritation has yet to be accurately diagnosed, because, so far, naught has offered my sense of mental heaviness reason to lift for more than a day or two at a time.
.
On the other hand, the hazy nature of the weight I'm carrying inside my head may be indicative of too many worry-files flying open, all at once. So, all I can say with any degree of clarity, thus far, is this: As of right now, I'm tired of working to figure myself out, and if that statement makes you ask: Then why not just stop? Or take a another break? I'd reply: Long standing habits are hard to break. And since my thought processor is accustomed to working toward solutions until my fuel tank starts to sputter, today's wearied stream of consciousness may be indicating that my habit of problem-solving till my brain is running on fumes is another self defeating pattern that's in need of change ...
Guess I'll just have to tolerate this episode of mental discomfort until whatever's brewing deep within my mind is ready to pour itself out ...
.
On the other hand, the hazy nature of the weight I'm carrying inside my head may be indicative of too many worry-files flying open, all at once. So, all I can say with any degree of clarity, thus far, is this: As of right now, I'm tired of working to figure myself out, and if that statement makes you ask: Then why not just stop? Or take a another break? I'd reply: Long standing habits are hard to break. And since my thought processor is accustomed to working toward solutions until my fuel tank starts to sputter, today's wearied stream of consciousness may be indicating that my habit of problem-solving till my brain is running on fumes is another self defeating pattern that's in need of change ...
Guess I'll just have to tolerate this episode of mental discomfort until whatever's brewing deep within my mind is ready to pour itself out ...
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