1373HHHHHHH CONSCIOUSLY CHANNELING A JOYFUL MOMENT OF PEACEFUL REPOSE

Each time I work, during a session of therapy, to identify
A subconscious fear that has currently stimulated an episode of
High anxiety to strike as if the primary source of that
Subconscious (unidentified) fear is high jacking
My sense of logic, right now, my conscious awareness gains
Insight into the underlying reason that has caused

My defense system to trigger an emotional reaction
That seems to be over-reactive to my current situation in a way that
Proves to be unlike my history of mustering courage to
Maintain a strong line of self control, regardless of pain
Until I engage in a session of EMDR where
My therapist coaches my sense of logic (concerning this
Sudden strike of anxiety, which had hog tied my sense of logic), to
Sleuth back in time until an unprocessed memory, buried
Within the unhealed portion of my subconscious, filters through
My defense system's mental block, offering my conscious awareness
Sound reason to release a tsunami of unshed tears, which is
Followed by followed a resounding sigh of relief once I understand
Why this current situation caused my strong sense of courage to
Feel stalked by the haunting, daunting, unprocessed sensation of
Yesteryear's unbearable pain, and though a sense of emotional relief
Is mine as soon as this 'forgotten' detail from the past has emerged, lifting

An unidentified burden ftom my spirit, my think tank—feeling
Worn to the bone from working 24/7 to crack through
Yet another layer of my defense system's wall of denial—
(The subconscious speaks through dreams as we sleep) sends
Me intuitive signals, concerning my exhausted think tank's need
For downtime in order to rest, recoup and refuel after having dived
So deep into subconscious memory as to have retrieved
This frightening detail, which had been hidden
From conscious awareness behind my defensive wall of denial
And once this traumatic detail is 'remembered' by my conscious mind
I can suddenly make sense of what had triggered
This specific episode of PTSD to make me feel every bit as
Frightened of the future as had been true at the time of
The original experience, which had injured a portion of my
Budding self assessment, during childhood, when
My thought processor was too undeveloped to

Accurately assess the complexity inherent within
This is universal fact:  The conscious portion of
A small child's mind is too undeveloped to fathom
That both sides of human nature exist within every person who

Walks this planet (good vs bad, courageous vs fearful), so
I grew up, seeing myself as a very good girl, worthy of love or as
A very bad girl, who felt worthless—with very little awareness
Of the spectrum of emotional reactions that
Creates a wide expanse of separation between those two diametrically
Opposing poles, and since I'd no clue of having developed
A traumatized subconscious fear of frowns in the aftermath of
My baby sister's death, the very worthwhile, good little girl
I truly was felt so bad, so often, for so many months that
I had no clue of having felt need to swallow (repress)
The self assertive portion of my voice, which

Was replaced with an eager to please attitude of complacency that
Was so quick to smile agreeably to whatever was asked of me that
Once I'd adopted this persona as my own, no one, (including me)
Had sensed that each time I'd awakened in the dead of night, itching
Furiously, the intensity of my need to scratch until I drew blood was
A symptom of my psche's desperate need to reveal the depth of
My primary subconscious fear, suggesting that I was itching to

Scratch through the surface of my defense system's wall of denial in order
To strip away my cheerful persona and reveal the painful fear, buried
Deep inside my mind, and lo and behold, the intensity of that itch did
Make my smile fall off my face in the dark of night when the nakedness of
My mental anguish ripped off my smiling facade, exposing the distortion of
My inner frown for all to see, and in that way did my physical need to
Scratch through every layer of my skin dig down into painful layers of
Traumatized insecurity, where blocked sensations of frustration
Continued to layer up inside secret pockets of my subconscious, like
Layers of TNT, biding their time to ignite, explode and blow my persona
To kingdom, though this did not happen until Will and I separated, and
My subconscious (unidentified) fear of being worthless and all alone
Created waves of panic that froze my brain into a state of anxiety that
Scattered my sense of logic, casting my inner strengths, like
A house of cards, to the winds, and though it's true that
The itch to get out of my skin became ever more self-contained as
my sense of emotional maturity continued to grow up
Episodic spikes of anxiety, which remained puzzling throughout
Every stage of my life, continued to flare up whenever
I was caught making a mistake that might cause someone to frown ...
And no matter how many therapists my intuition sought out
None saw through the many layered facade of my smile and
Surface self confidence, which is why none had thought to link
These episodes of anxiety into a pattern until recently, when
My current therapist ultimately diagnosed me with PTSD, which
Explains why the confounding nature of my life-long
Wrestling match, pitting my adult sense of self confidence against

The traumatized portion of a three year old child's deeply wounded
Unhealed and thus festering subconscious insecurity, had periodically
Aroused an episodic state of high anxiety that struck down
My inner strengths, most especially when I'd felt a compulsive
Intuitive need to say NO to a loved one's request, stimulating
My unidentified fear of staring straight at a frown, and that was true
Until a recent session of EMDR therapy, excavated that deeply buried
Subconscious insecurity (which proved to be associated with
My subconscious, unprocessed terror of holding myself accountable
For having been so bad as to cause my parents to frown for months after
My baby sister's death, suggesting that my fear of frowns was also
Associated with my fear of unexpected, sudden death, which I'd blamed
My bad self for causing, and in order to pay for those unforgivable sins
I made certain to help solve any problem or conflict that might
Cause a loved one's frown to deepen, as though the end result of
My saying NO would lead straight to toward the death of a person whom
I'd loved more than a child as bad as me could love herself ( I was
Subconsciously so afraid of causing a loved one's death that, in readiness
I actually purchased an extra grave, many years back, and though Will
couldn't fathom why I felt compelled to make that purchase, it made
Perfect sense to my life-long distorted view of reality)
As you can imagine, the sum of my brain's inner strengths
Must band together each time I feel need to hunker down to work
Ever so determinedly and patiently to restructure a
Negatively focused channel of mental energy away from
Yesteryear's grossly misperceived, subconscious impression of
Myself (as little girl, who had been so bad as to have
Charged herself guilty of causing the depth of her entire family's
Grief stricken frowns to look down in the nose at her) in favor of
Carving out a positively focused channel of conscious thought, based

In today's emotionally matured, cognitive awareness of
The sum of my personal strengths, and each time
Today's sense of conscious awareness lines up with reality, concerning
The good, caring person I've always chosen to be, a brand new sense of
Peaceful repose frees me of another sudden (mysterious) strike of
Latent anxiety, which can't relax until I've engaged in
The mental work that's required to link a current strike of anxiety with
Whatever I'd felt at three, and believe me, this line of work proves
Exhausting, to say the least, which is why each time I move forward
With any degree of success, my strong sense of intuition compels me to
Rest while my spirit spends time smelling roses rather than
Coaxing me to free the intuitive curiosity of my inner sleuth to dive into
My psyche, prematurely, in hopes of sniffing out additional insights that
At this point in my recovery from PTSD would surely transport
My wearied mind back to another early time in my life when a predatory
Pedophile had stalked a good little girl (whose fear of frowns had caused her
To unknowingly swallow the self assertive portion of her voice, which left
My personal sense of safety itching so intensely as to offer me reason to
Cry right out loud, night after night, because my defense system had
Called upon the defense mechanism of disassociation to keep me from
Remembering even one encounter with the predator, who abused me, repeatedly
And as every iota of my conscious memory was blocked from
'Knowing ' of my participation in lewd acts of sexuality, in this way
Did Mother Nature save my budding inner strengths from sinking so deep into
A permanent quagmire of traumatized quicksand (which

Proved much too thickly layered and confoundingly complex for
A child's undeveloped thought processor to channel) until I'd absorbed
The adult inner strengths necessary to work conscientiously
Courageously and patiently to exhume and confront
The reality of my traumatized need to have buried this terrifying,
Deeper truth with such a slow and steadying, ever deepening sense of
Clarity as to coax the adult I prove to be, today, to redirect
My mental inner compass to guide this traumatized, terror-struck
Child, who had remained trapped, as though buried alive within
A deep, dark locked pocket of my subconscious, to stop paddling in
Anxious, extremely painful, utterly exhausted, emotionally futile
Swirling circles of confusion inside my mind in

Favor of consciously coaxing my adult inner strengths to swim
Upstream through one emergent detail after another as if each one
Had surfaced from deep within a new set of rapids, which, if I could
Continue to muster the mental strength necessary to survive, would
Propel my conscious memory to swirl less violently, stroke by
Stroke as each infinitesimal step by step approach toward
Self discovery inspired my intelligent, adult brain to restore
A sweet, little girl's traumatized self esteem to heal itself, little
By little, once my brain, finally functioning like a well-balanced whole
Landed a deeply confounded, good little girl on today's
Safe and sound, peacefully calm, sunny, well-grounded shore, knowing
Full well that my recent gains in conscious awareness, concerning
Subconscious terror, proved impossible until
Such time as my life-long need to work to recover from PTSD
Was correctly and professionally diagnosed—
And since that diagnosis was not identified until

My current therapist came to listen to me so profoundly astutely as
To have come to know both sides of my brain, which working
Against each other had created a divided whole, separating
The sum of my adult inner strengths from the traumatized portion of
A three year old child's subconscious insecurities, and
The existence of this great divide caused my
Self assessment to feel vulnerable to remaining stuck, cycling round
A deeply confounded, darkened mental state of

Unidentified inner conflict, highlighting why the inner strengths of
My best character traits could not band together, thus freeing my brain to
Function as a well balanced whole until these past couple of years when
My sense of emotional intelligence and accumulation of knowledge were
Consistently coached to muster the courage to strip denial's blinders away in
Favor of giving voice to my deeply repressed sense of
Danger, always lurking near by, (and as a child, my sense of danger proved
Synonymous with anger) which caused me to repress so many of
My personal needs until my inner fear of saying NO, which might arouse
A loved one's frown, was clearly exposed along with my own
Deeply repressed anger, which would threaten to leap out if intuitive
Thought had not directed my creativity to stand guard behind my well practiced
Line of Self Control, sensing that a bottomless well of bottled up
Anger would otherwise pop its uncork, freeing the mother load of
My terror of life to drown my surface sense of safety, much of
My mental energy was expended upon repressing a whale of anger from
Consciously exploding, and that's why most of that underlying
Unidentified, fiery emotion emerged in the smoldering form of
Exhausted depression, especially at those times when I'd felt so depleted of
Energy as to have to muster the courage to say NO, I can't do this or I can't
Do that, at which time I'd found myself pressed by this loved one or that one to
Turn my NO into a YES, because that was the only reply that they'd come to
Expect from me, and each time one of those conflicts arose, my
Inner conflict would erupt, causing my anxiety to build additional tension due to
My storing up even greater degrees of subconscious resentment, which exacerbated
Every negative emotion that I'd felt need to subconsciously repress as
Silently as had been true of so many of my personal needs, over
Most of my life, and you can believe me when I say that consciously
Forging my way through peeling away at seven decades of
Ever-thickening layers of denial during countless sessions of
EMDR therapy has been so taxing that I can finally appreciate
The self motived determination of my inner strengths, which rely upon
My well-practiced ability to summon intuitive trains of thought, which
Tunnel instinctively toward igniting strings of insight (which often surface
While I'm writing) offering my conscious awareness sound reason to
Spotlight the sum of my character traits as being much brighter than I'd

Originally surmised) and each time a new string of insights shines
Another spotlight on today's realistic view of the person I've grown to
Be, I can feel a brand new, wholesome awareness of the sum of

My inner strengths lining up in such a well-organized fashion as to
Encourage my sense of patience to work at retrieving yet another piece of
The bigger picture of the life-long-foggy maze of
Mental confusion, which has riddled my conscious
Self assessment with subconscious insecurities that had
Undermined my self confidence each time I'd said
NO, followed by hearing my most caring traits being

Painfully distorted by defense systems connected to
Hearts that had professed to know me well and
Love me deeply, though today's deeper truth suggests that
The negatively focused attitudes of those folk knew me not at all, and
Since they'd judged (while professing not to judge) me without
Thinking to offer a person who'd sought out therapy over most of
My adult life), the benefit of the doubt, my character strengths
Continued to be disparaged, no matter what I did or said, for years, I
Felt like throwing myself in the garbage, thus adding
To the anguished sense of anxious confusion that had haunted
My psyche behind the sparkling, self confident persona that had masked
Life long insecurities, which continued to plague my sense of peace, each time
An attack of latent anxiety due to unnamed torment arising each time
I'd sensed 'reason' to feel danger closing in, and not until
My mask of denial, which had blinded my conscious awareness from
Any clue, concerning that which I'd needed to know about myself was
Peeled away, one stubborn layer at a time, and here's why that was true:
The brain is a body organ, and body organs can't heal from a serious
Internal injury until each specific injury has been correctly diagnosed—
And I couldn't know which secret injuries my subconscious kept from
My conscious awareness until my therapist, trained in
EMDR therapy, coached my growing sense of intuitive thought to coax
Streaming insights to surface, revealing each fear-based secret to
Emerge, detail by detail, to the courageous side of
My mind in the safety of her office as well as while
I've been writing about both sides of myself to you ....
Then, each time I feel need to review and edit whatever
Intuitive thought felt ready to reveal, concerning
Deeply repressed fears, furies, and vulnerabilities, to me,
I gain a more fully developed absorption of
Secrets, which are no longer empowered to trigger
Episodes of PTSD, which had confounded my adult strengths by
Conjuring up the traumatized ghost of the good, little girl, who had
Had sound reason to fear for her emotional and physical safety when
Her think tank was much too young to process the difference between
Life and death, fear and courage to peel away layers of
Blind, defensive denial that kept a little girl's terrors alive and
Itching to be exposed  until she grew to be such
A strong, self_empowered individual as to dive ever more
Deeply into her psyche in order to know both sides of
The sum of her traits, which today, comprise such
A well balanced whole as to defy anxiety rising when
Another detail feels ready for conscious exposure ...
Because common sense suggests my having need to
Muster more courage than ever as I grow older...

So, was my itch physically real?  Yes.
I had excema (Dermatitis, which is an inflammation of the skin
Characterized by itchy, erythematous, vesicular, weeping, and crusting patches.)
Which acting like an Achilles' heel, was intensified by
More than one deeply repressed emotional trauma.

So is my sciatica real, today?  Yes.
Because every gadolinium MRI has shown the nerve to be
Physically inflamed.  On the other hand
My nerve inflammation was intensified by the fact that
Spikes of anxiety, stimulated by constantly suppressing
Latent and current layers of emotional repression caused
Caused every muscle in my body to grow ever more
Tense, clenching tightly around the irritated root of that nerve, which
Had suffered injury years before when I'd pushed myself
Beyond the limits of my physical endurance ...
Another self defeating pattern, as demonstrated as
Recently as this past Passover ... So, today
My hard earned gains in working toward
Deepening my conscious awareness, concerning
My lifelong need to make positively focused changes
That I clearly see as necessary no longer arouse
An unidentified  terrors of frowns, which had
Seen me subconsciously tossing my self worth
In the trash once I could not satisfy the expectations of
Others, because any thought of disappointing a loved one
Had stressed my self assessment to the point of
Declaring myself as useless and worthless, today, as
I'd felt when my baby sister died, juxt before
I turned three ... As to the level of my sciatic pain, today ...
It remains reduced in direct proportion to
The relaxed state of my mind and body's physical
Tightening of replacing of muscular tension ...
Which is why the pain increases each time
I climb up a steep flight of stairs ...
In short, I know how to take better care of my needs

Over recent years, I've worked determinedly, during
Sessions of EMDR therapy, to know my strengths and
Vulnerabilities in greater depth by repeatedly mustering
The humility to ask:  Which of my current attitudes
Serves to undermine the healthy state of my
Self assessment (or my misperceived assessment of others), today?

And with each subconscious forgotten detail that emerges from
Behind my defense system's wall of denial, I continue to gain
Sound reason to feel even more self assured about maintaining
A strong sense of focus, concerning my life's chosen path for
This reason:  Though I'd once felt so confused as to have

Subconsciously condemned myself as being unworthy of

Receiving love unless the sparkling smiles that shone forth so joyfully from
Within my heart were returned to me as naturally and freely as
My natural spirit of generosity had openly showered
The hearts of others with unconditional love, repeatedly, my most
Recent epiphany has shown me that which is primarily in need of
Change for the better, concerning my self perception:
Insight into deeper truth will always show me to be
An imperfect individual, who can maintain a high degree of
Self respect when I feel compelled to say No
Those two facts no longer feel dangerous, because I no longer
Feel subconsciously unworthy of receiving love as
Had been subconsciously true ever since
My baby sister died, and I, being as egocentric as children are

Known to be, had unconsciously guilted myself, undeservedly, of

'Crimes' against my family that reality suggests had most certainly not
Been committed by an innocent, good little girl of three, and
Now that I've come to understand how swiftly mental exhaustion can
Stimulate an episode of PTSD to emerge and high jack
My thought processor's ability to band together my
Personal strengths, as thought scattering them to the winds
This newly absorbed, ever deepening sense of self awareness has
Deemed each emergent episode of anxious terror (that
On the surface seems to make no sense) to

Be shorter in length than had proved true before my conscious mind

Had absorbed Socrates' sage advice:  Know Thyself (in depth)

And now that I've offered you this recently rebalanced, more deeply
Understood, condensed synopsis of my life-long, intuitive
Quest to heal the traumatized portion of my brain from succumbing to
Unidentified episodic eruptions of PTSD, which catalyzed sudden strikes of

Heightened anxiety that had seemingly made little sense each time I felt
A latent, undefined sense of subconscious danger closing in

Here is a synopsis of my most recent trial by fire, which ignited several
Weeks of puzzling anxiety when extreme exhaustion deemed

My psyche highly vulnerable to being swept into yet another mind swirling
Episode of PTSD, which I'd been too exhausted to consciously and clearly 

Identify until my wearied brain had recouped enough mental energy to
See why I'd unknowingly thrown my thoroughly exhausted self in
The garbage after I'd joyously and successfully created a festive
Passover weekend, enjoyed by my entire immediate family and several

Treasured friends—however, now that I
Am aware of the fact that extreme exhaustion had

Stimulated a subconscious fear to emerge, which seemed to
Make no sense at all, clear thinking came to see that
An eruption of my subconscious, disassociated
Terror of swift unexpected death was, currently, terrorizing
My damaged sense of personal safety, and since my mental
Energy was in an extremely wasted state, my strong sense of
Intuitive thought could not backtrack to sense that
My subconscious fear (of sudden death, swooping down to
Scoop up my seemingly healthy, beloved grandpa and

My seemingly healthy sister out of our

Deeply shocked arms, several weeks apart, scaring

My entire extended family half to death, thus

Terrorizing my three year old mind, which has unconsciously been
Waiting for the other shoe to drop, over my entire life) had erupted
Causing me to fear that if my vigilant smile exhausts or if
I make even one, tiny mistake in judgement then

The Spector of Death will surely darken my door, and if

I believe that the demise of my loved ones will somehow trace back to
My imperfections being at fault then my life won't be worth living, and
As all of that terror was subconscious in nature, thus did
 I unknowingly hold myself personally (subconsciously) accountable
For remaining mentally awake and vigilantly alert to any reason that might

Make a loved one so much as frown, and not until my exhausted brain began to
Re-energize did every one of these insights ride out of a tunnel in my mind on
A train of intuitive thought, which clarified my anxious underlying need to
Feed my loved ones' needs, forever,  over mine  until recent sessions of
EMDR coaxed my intelligent adult conscious awareness to
Assuage my childish subconscious fear of failing to

Resolve every conflict and solve every problem that might cause

Any loved one's smile to turn upside down on my watch, suggesting why

I'd felt subconsciously, miserably afraid of failing, no matter how hard
I'd worked to succeed at whatever task I'd undertaken upon myself, an
Thus did anything that made a loved one feel unhappy or angry, which 
Proved beyond my control to 'fix', create a state of anxiety within my brain until

My very conscious awareness of this last attack of PTSD dawned on me, catalyzing

My well practiced sense of intuitive thought to run with this string of insights, which
Inspired my thought processor to make a series of  three point plays that
Saw the scoreboard stacking points in my well-balanced favor, concerning
Why this most recent step in my recovery from PTSD has made me feel like
A seasoned player, whose self confiden personal strengths feels so
Capable as to champion whatever personal vulnerability may still be
In need of astute coaching while this stage of my recovery from PTSD
Continues to gain sound reason to fully appreciate the fact that

My newly rewired, conscious self assessment is one of many roses that
Inspires my spirit to sparkle with gratitude for having mustered the courage

Patience and determination to work to develop a think tank that has chosen to
Freely respect and embrace the strong individual, whom a traumatized
Good little girl has chosen to grow up to be while she kept her eye
Focused on the ball (intuitive goal) by continuing to 

Progress, step by step, along the challenging path of self discovery, which
Has led the injured portion of my psych toward healing itself by seeking
Professional help that has coached me to choose
The road less taken, where self-empowerment proves to be

My just reward for expending the positively focused energy

Necessary to pry open my own closed mindsets, which upon expanding to
Widen my scope, show me swimming toward the, now, not so distant
Shore where my lost sense of personal safety has awaited

The arrival of the intelligent adult, whom I've grown up to be, to welcome

My sense of self confidence to feel at home in my own skin—

Once and for all—and with that train of intuitive insight chugging
Clearly through my conscious mind, today, here's my plan for creating
A newly emboldened sense of change for the better as

My immediate future continues to unfold:
Rather than throwing the sum of my inner strengths in
The garbage each time human imperfection raises its wearied
Little head, as had often been true of my subconscious pattern before

My newly rewired, conscious self assessment had absorbed
Sound reason to develop a well-balanced sense of self
I plan to spend more time than had been true in the past, smelling

The bouquet of roses, which is currently growing in my constantly

Growing garden of deeply treasured loved ones whose

Positively focused attitudes people my life, today, and as I plan to

Focus the greater portion of my energy upon deepening my appreciation
For each of those gorgeous roses (Thorns and all) here's

A vision of a budding little beauty whose adorable presence inspires
My spirit to burst into full bloom, each time I see
Her bright, engaging smile toddling toward me while, with
A lift of her arms, her sweet voice says, 'Up!' ...

You'd be right to picture my heart melting with love as
This precious child is swept up into my arms
And if a picture is worth a thousand words then imagine
The heartfelt impact offered by viewing a video of
A moment in time exemplifying why this sweet natured child and I
Enjoy every blessed minute of fun that we're both so fortunate to share ...

1373HHHHHH CONSCIOUS AWARENESS PROVES IN NEED OF INTUITVE GUIDANCE

One more time ...
Sooo, if anyone ventured a guess as to why so many poppin' fresh strings of insight
Land in previously published posts instead of showing up in a train of thought that
Chugs out if my mind in a future post, which will be published somewhere
Down the line, how am I to know what you may think or feel when
The comment box is close to starving, suggesting why my hunger to know what's
Going through your mind remains unfed?
Seriously, aren't you as curious as I am to know why my mind feels need to
Backtrack, day after day, as if feeding an intuitive craving to absorb
Previously published trains of thought more deeply than
Proved possible during the writing process, the day before?
Hey!  (Says the ringmaster of my brain)
Let's see if my power of intuition can help us to answer
This riddle, concerning the three ring circus train that can be seen
Chugging its way through tunnels of my subconscious, most especially when
Nightly activities are freed from their cages to dive into
Rivers of thought that run so deep and silent as not to awaken
My conscious awareness, which remains sound asleep until
An emergent train of thought, surfacing with a string of insights intact
Instinctively arouses the attention of my conscious mind at 4AM:

The voice of Intuition takes center ring:
Hmmm ... Speaking for myself
I don't always know why I do what I do when I do it, because
Much of what leads me to do this rather than that is purely so instinctive as to
By-pass the cognitive nature of my thought processor, time and again, so
Rather than telling, let's see if I can show you what pops out of me each time
Annie's brain frees me to direct her brain to write trains of thought that
Dive so deep into her memory bank as to retrieve information, which
As she writes, seems to simply pop out of the top of her head ... and
Now that we have a poppin" fresh plan, please open your eyes; hold
Your breath and take my hand, because
You and I are about to dive so deeply into Annie's active brain as to
See ourselves surface with a poppin' fresh string of insights, right here and now:

Speaking as the voice of Annie's intuition, I have no more clue than is true of you as to which string of insights, channeling deeper truths, are about to pop out before Annie's mesmerized eyes—first on her screen and then on yours—until a series of words, marching out of the depths of Annie's memory bank suggest that, day after day, Annie's well practiced power of intuition feels a compelling need to refresh her conscious awareness to strengthen her faith in this fact:  Annie's well practiced power of insight senses the right time to emerge from subconscious storage though her conscious awareness has no clue of that fact for this reason:  As soon as intuition assumes instinctive control over Annie's brain, the conscious portion of her thought processor is actually, automatically, placed on pause (suggestive of the fact that while Annie's brain is single-mindedly engaged in the process of writing or editing, she can't even hear people asking her questions unless they grow ever more determined to awaken and grab hold of her brain's conscious attention).  While the conscious portion of Annie's thought processor is catching forty winks, strings of insight, which had continued to percolate, subconsciously, overnight, ripen to an ever deepening degree, and since this sense of enrichment took place while Annie's conscious awareness was fast asleep, thus is it intuitive thought that instructs additional insights to hitch a ride on a previously published train of thought, which, having tunneled through subconscious channels of Annie's brain, feels need to free an instinctive surging sensation to speak to her conscious awareness, again and again, and thus do we see a pattern that has shaped up whereby intuitive trains of thought, tunneling through the depths of Annie's brain, chug their way to the surface, delivering the gift of self propelled insight to her conscious mind, which feels aroused to awaken with need to write it-knows-not-what before the crack of each new dawn, and since, deeper truth confirms the fact that Annie's conscious awareness was in a foggy state of sleepiness when all of that nightly, mental activity was on the prowl, tunneling through her memory bank, making withdrawals, here and there, how can we hold the mesmerized state of her conscious awareness accountable for placing strings of insights, here or there, when deeper truth cautions us to remember that Annie's posts are truly written by her intuitive voice, which knows to concur with common sense during nightly brainstorming sessions, which indicate which post is best suited to receive each fresh flash of insight that feels need to backtrack in order to land here rather than there ... And off the top of the intuitive portion of Annie's head, that's the best explanation that I can offer to clarify why back tracking in order to plant insights into previously published posts feels necessary if Annie's cognitive solution seeking skills are to deepen and expand her band of personal strengths over this fourth stage of her life—

And with that said, Intuition takes a bow and exits the center ring while
Annie's Ringmaster, facing the rest of the sum of her parts, thinks to say:
Thank you, Intuitive Thought, for answering today's riddle, plain and simple
Because 'plain and simple' proves to be all that our friend Annie's brain
Feels capable of handling, at least momentarily ...
As to her back-tracking pattern of adding insights to previously published posts—
Well, this seems to be the perfect place to offer a picture instead of
Writing a thousand words to describe what Annie's conscious awareness
Looks like while her well practiced power of intuitive thought is fully engaged in
Penning a post—and once your conscious awareness checks out the picture, mentioned above
I believe you'll have reason to picture my re-vitalized spirit fully engaged in LOL!

1373HHHHH POP! POP! POP!

Anyone want to guess where this morning's poppin' fresh string of insights landed instead of showing up in today's post?  Yup ... Post 1373HHHH

Anyone have a clue as to why that keeps happening, day after day?

1373HHHH LET'S ENJOY ANOTHER VISIT WITH PERSONAL NEED TO DEVELOP BALANCE IN ALL THINGS

Awoke at 4am with that heavy sense of tightening across
My forehead, which I've come to liken to
An elastic band, squeezing my frontal lobe as though to
Push a visceral memory through a crack in
My defensive wall, signaling my conscious awareness of
Intuitive readiness, heating up the first in
A new string of insights, simulating
The first piece of popcorn readying itself to
Pop out of its kernel, offering my conscious mind
Its first glimpse of the next missing piece of
My puzzle, which is still stored within
A pocket of my subconscious where
Disassociation from fear, anger and conscious
Memory of assault had protected a child's psyche from
Experiencing mental agony too complex for
My undeveloped think tank to process, much less absorb
Please honk your horn if you remember that
Intuitive trains of thought, connecting
My subconscious with my conscious mind
Pretty much pen every post that
Chugs out of my brain, suggesting my having
Little conscious awareness, right now, of which
Next string of insights is pushing against
My wall of denial, feeding my need to release
Each one to chug out of my tunnel of
Darkness and onto my screen and then yours, where
Day by day, my ever-expanding band of personal strengths
Will work as one entity, whittling away at
A mountain of fear until my growing sense of
Self empowerment grows so confident as to
Overpower the haunting nature of whatever
That pedofile did that terrified my vulnerability, repeatedly
BTW—If you think I had a clue of intuition writing
The insight above upon re-awakening at 8:30am
Please straighten your thinking cap and
Listen astutely to what instinct cautioned my train of
Thought to do, concerning switching tracks, when
Intuitive thought, sensing my heightened level of
Emotional maturity, directed my internal
Readiness to openly confront my need to
Climb up this next mountain of subconscious fear where
Emergent insights, concerning sexual assault, are
Sure to blow my mind unless my band of
Inner strengths has had time to fully re-energize before
Inspiring my conscious awareness to ready itself
To accept the mission of re-awakening my need to
Write whatever train of intuitive thought had felt eager to deliver
Insight to my conscious mind before
The dawning of this morning's light at 4am:
Rather than reaching for my stylus and iPad, as
Had often been my 4am habit, instinct created
Change for the better by signaling my awareness to
Make sound use of my resuscitated, self assertive voice and
With resounding clarity I heard my innermost self say:  NO!
Do not pick up iPad and stylus ...
Not because I sensed a sudden spike of overwhelming fear but
Because common sense sensed that my brain still feels
Too tuckered to muster the courage and patience necessary to confront a
Series of insights, concerning. horrid details that
Would cause visceral tension to erupt and
Spike, again and again, if I fail to respect my brain's
Need of rest, and thus does today's intuitive train of thought
Sense the maturational progression of my host of
Personal strengths, which, having banded together has
Developed the ability to act in my best interests, most
Especially at those times when life offers me
Reason to react in a healthier, better-balanced
Much more mentally focused manner than
Had been possible each time an unidentified
Spike of anxiety usurped control over my think tank as had
Proved true whenever the devisive conflict, separating
My think tank into two polarized parts, had unknowingly pitted
A deeply troubled little girl's need to hide every memory
Of mental or physical terror that had confounded
Her undeveloped ability to fathom any of life's
Complexities in the closet of her subconscious against
My super sleuth's accumulation of adult, solution-seeking skills
So what, you might ask, has changed for the better?
Well, with clarity intact, concerning my expansive
Band of inner strengths, my think tank has gained reason to
Replace fear of reliving yesteryear's pain with
A whale-sized portion of confidence, thus
Offering my whole brain sound reason to take this leap faith:
The healthy portion of my adult brain has
Recently been empowered to stop sudden strikes of
Anxiety from shooting so high as to knock out my smarts, and
Once my smarts and refortified personal strengths
Walk hand in hand, my future decisions will take
My personal needs into account without undeserved guilt running
Interference with peace of mind, and knowing myself to have been
A very good little girl, I'll not allow polarized views of my
Self image distort my view of my innocence when
My rested mind begins to identify intuition's growing
Sense of readiness to release trains of thought, which
Are currently (think electric current, signaling
My conscious mind to ready itself to wake up and
Smell the coffee, which has been
Brewing, subconsciously, behind a locked door where
Horrific memories were forbidden to percolate enough to
Terrify the traumatized portion of my mind until
Such time as my most admirable character traits had
Banded together to create a force of inner strength so
Self empowered as to calm any sudden strike of
Anxiety, based in 'forgotten' memories of
The pedofile grabbing me, releasing yesteryear's
Deeply buried terror to ride out of subconscious storage on
A freight train, filled with refuse, bound for
A rest station where this last scary skeleton will be
Swept out of my closet, once and for all!
So, though an intuitive sense of subconscious readiness
Began to dawn, this morning at 4am, my smarts
Remained aware of my current need to
Rest my wearied brain from working overtime so soon after
Recovering only a portion of my fully exhausted energy
And since this change for the better
Indicates that my long-standing line of control is
One of the inner strengths that has recently muscled
Up in terms of keeping my mind focused on attaining
Each next goal by empowering my newly centered
Sense of self control to calm the subconsciously traumatized
Portion of my brain before sudden strikes of anxious reactiveness
Leaping out of my subconscious high jack my smarts as
Swiftly as had been true before my polarized inner conflict had
Chugged out of my mind on a train of intuitive
Thought, so rich in insight as to have enlightened
My sense of clarity with pinpointing the
Primary reason why my peace of mind
Had been won't to self destruct as swiftly as if
My think tank had been struck by
Recurrent flashbacks of emotional lightening, repeatedly
And thus do we see my strengthened line of control
Reminding me to muster the patience to rest my mind before
Calling forth my host of inner strengths to
Tackle the next task at hand, and with today's string of
Of self empowering insights in mind here's what
I chose to do upon awakening with need to write at 4am:
I chose to do a brain exercise, learned during a recent
Session of EMDR (Yes, brain exercises, which empower
Our think tanks to relax current flows of mental energy,
Really do exist ...otherwise how would we choose to
Memorize, absorb, store and then, when
Tested, withdraw complex mathematical algorithms from
Within the well-organized files of our memory banks?)
As my therapist taught me to practice this exercise
(Brain Yoga) during a recent session of
EMDR, I pulled this new tool out of my tool box of
Personal strengths and tested it out at 4am, and
Lo and behold, rather than feeling compelled to
Push out whatever constipated detail my subconscious
Felt ready to expel, my whole body, including
My over active thought processor, relaxed and
Next thing I knew, guess who drifted off into
A deeply relaxed, energy replenishing slumber until
8:30am when I awoke feeling more refreshed and
Inclined to write this positively focused post
Exemplifying my newly practiced ability to
Consciously refocus my train of thought away
From exploring emergent subconscious negativity in
Favor of offering my hard working brain a
Nourishing shot of clarity concerning my need for
Additional down time at this specific rest station, and
In this way did I relax my impatient sense of readiness from
Pushing my weary soul through the next locked door where
Visceral memories of a pedophile, harming the psyche of
An innocent child, await to inform my conscious
Mind of information that will fire up the anger, which
Has been repressed in an anesthetized but
Deeply inflamed subconscious state, over my
Entire adult life, and here is where my
Newly recentered sense of inner balance lifts its
Wise little solution seeking head in terms of
My need to grow ever more aware of those times when
An intuitive train of thought is chugging its way
Toward brightening my conscious mind with
Need to grow attentive to insight driving my
Sense of clarity to focus on a change for the better that's
Instructing my conscious mind to switch tracks in this way:
In the past, my therapist had coached me to free
Intuitive thought attempting to speak to
My blindly conscious mind of subconsciously buried fear ...
Then, two weeks ago, my wearied mind was coached to
Place intuitive thought on pause until my newly rewired
Sense of balance feels my depletion of mental energy restored ...
And now that we've visited with this week's
Deepening awareness of the importance of balance in all things ...
l'll consciously and clearly direct my think tank to
Switch tracks as I had at 4am, thus offering my mind
Reason to pause this serious train of thought in favor of
Delighting my spirit with thoughts of today's play date with
Ravi, when she and I plan to splash happily in Angie's heated pool
PS
In keeping with the spirit of enhancing a sense of balance
I believe that once my main source of energy feels
Fully refreshed, my strong sense of intuition will
Readily switch tracks away
From my dark side, thus re-invigorating my
Positive focus to stimulate my story teller to
Reawaken and entertain us by
Exposing the sunny side of my creative
Highly humorous character traits, which
Chose to raise a trio of rambunctious sons to
Develop a host of self empowering traits, which
I'd unknowingly had need to develop within myself ...
And with that thought stoking mind with
Positively focused visions of stories, filled with
Humor, flowing forth from memory as naturally as
A school of healthy salmon, which, upon
Successfully navigating its way through
The portion of the river where raging rapids had offered
Each one a really scary ride, is finally feeling
Swimmingly relaxed, now that yesteryear's
Fearsome portion of life has received sound reason to
Settle into a calm, clear frame of mind, thus
Enhancing the sparkling scales of the salmon's
Inner smile to sparkle forth in a brand new
Self-empowered way as had never proved as
Self propelled and long lasting as intuitive thought
Makes her believe will be true from now on
I can feel my inner smile beginning to
Sparkle forth as high spirited thoughts of
Frolicking with Ravi spur me toward readying
My re-energizing-wholesome-sense-of-self-
Empowered -good-health to welcome
A fun-filled day with nary a dark cloud on
The immediate horizon to rain on today's parade!

1373HHH DOUBLE OY Vay!

What did you expect?
That, just like magic, I'd recover from
This stage of PTSD, overnight?
Well, with respect for your process, please think again ...
For this reason:  We need to work to tie up
At least one loose end, because my conscious mind still feels
Exceptionally resistant to reawakening pain from which
I'd utterly disassociated each time the pedofile managed to
Clutch a sweet little girl, who had silenced her ability to
Call out for help, within his predatory grasp ...
Upon awakening this morning at 4am (Hmmm
Perhaps another pattern is appearing before our very eyes—
Suggesting that 4am may have been the hour when
The child I once was had awakened, night after night
Itching furiously to get out of my skin)
I felt as if my host of inner strengths were banding
Together, causing my frontal lobe to swell with a pulsing sense of
Readiness to crack open the next layer of defensiveness in
My wall of denial, exposing details of assault so frightening as
To have been blocked from my conscious memory u til
The sum of my adult inner strengths felt need to cleanse
My brain of every festering terror, which has remained
Subconsciously buried within a sealed, yet unhealed
State, deep inside my disassociated frame of mind; on
The other hand I'm still tired from working so hard to
Identify and exhume the polarizing pattern that had
Escaped conscious detection until earlier in the week, so
My intuition is signaling today's train of thought to
Heed my conscious, strong sense of reluctance to
Work at cracking through this next layer of denial until
My work wearied brain has had suffice time to
Relax from mental tension that accompanies
The exposture of deeply buried subconscious pain
So, hopefully, as intuitive thought switches tracks from
Coaching my inner sleuth from chugging forward
In favor of coaxing my defense system to shower
My current sense of awareness with mercy by offering
My wearied brain additional down time to relax in
A state of peaceful repose where I can enjoy
Smelling the roses, which are my just reward for
What feels like my having completed yet another portion of
A tough job, well done, suggesting why today's
Intuitive need to direct my mind to master impatience
In favor of hesitating from growing so restless as to
Release a renewed sense of readiness that would have
Inspired my conscious mind to muster the courage to
Drive my host of inner strengths toward rising up in
Hopes of adjusting my focus away from resting toward
Openly confronting memories of that predator
(who, though dead for many years, continues to
Haunt my conscious sense of well being by stirring up
Subconscious fear at times when I'd least expect
An eruption of yesteryear s terror to sabatoge
My personal sense of enjoyment, today) prematurely ...
BTW, upon awakening at 4am with
A compelling need to write
Twas not this post that teased my mind ... Sigh ...
Twas my intuitive need to add insight to post 1373H ... Again!
I know!  I know!  But what was I to do when additional
Strings of insight, offering to bolster my
Inner strengths (which I'll need to depend on
As the next leg of my adventure into
This fourth stage of life gets underway) insist upon
Making themselves as clear to my conscious awareness as
Raindrops on window panes!  I mean, doesn't
Common sense suggest that by this late stage
In life, I owe it to myself to see my strengths with
Such an exquisite sense of clarity as to view
The adult, whom I've grown up to be, as I really am?
Each time another string of insights pops out of
My subconscious (as if I'm stringing together
Chains of poppin' fresh popcorn), my
Conscious awareness grows ever more capable of
Absorbing intuitive trains of thought, based in
The emergence of deeper truths, which enhance my
Awareness of how often universal wisdom directs
The sum of my character traits to pay
Astute attention to knowledge that I need to
Absorb more fully than ever before if
My current ability to call upon
Self empowerment is to strengthen my p
Think tank in ways that I could not possibly
Fathom until my brain welcomed
Multiple opportunities to sleep on
Strungs of insight that continue to process
More deeply, and thus do I actually work to
Expand closed mindsets, 24/7, night
After night, so that upon awakening at
The dawning of each brand new day
Accumulative strings of insight
Challenge me to draw draw forth
Intuitive trains of thought that had been
Impossible for my conscious awareness to
Fathom only the day before ...
So, each time a new string of  insights
Calls my name out loud at 4am, pretty much
Nothing can deter my passion away from
My burning need to write (or edit), unless
Mental weariness outweighs my need to examine
My inner life until such time as
My energy tank feels fully refueled, and my
Spirit feels utterly stoked ... And though I'm
Getting there, that's not the case, As of yet
And having clarified that conscious
Change for the better, that's all my tired mind
Feels need to say, today ...

1373HH OY! SILLY ME!

Holy jumping sassafrass!
I just permanently deleted today's post ...
Which expressed my need to edit and add insight to post 1373H
Grrrrr ...
As I'm turning a new corner, I'll choose not to flog myself with anything stiffer than a wet noodle, which, since my appetite for life has returned, I just might heat up and eat with a meatball or two!  BTW if perchance you choose to reread post 1373H and find it in need of further editing, that editor will not be me!

1373H AGAIN—MENTAL CLARITY AND PEACE OF MIND WALK HAND IN HAND

And so, once again, repetition is not redundant when
My main goal seeks clarity of absorptive mental retention ...
This morning, I awoke at 4am feeling drawn to write down
A train of thought that has finally clarified an inner conflict, based
In polarized self assessments, which, having been subconsciously
Repressed throughout most of my life, created a conundrum inside
My mind that deemed this internal power struggle between
Fear and courage impossible to identify until
Today's train of intuitive thought ignited a string of insights, which
Pin points the primary reason why
The traumatized portion of my brain had remained
Stubbornly resistant to being rewired during
By-monthly sessions of EMDR therapy until, this morning when
I felt ready to dive so deeply into my psyche as to
Specify the unidentified, negatively focused belief, which
Catalyzed my positively focused think tank to weave a sense of
Underlying confusion into trains of thought, thus disrupting
My conscious sense of clarity ever since I was three
Thank goodness, my current therapist assigned this homework
Assignment to me during our very first meeting in her office:
When next we meet I'd like to see a list, compiling
10 traumatic events that you've experienced, over your
Lifetime, beginning with the one that frightened you most of all ...
Ten? I questioned? That many?
As many as you can remember, so I compiled the list, and
Since disassociation had been my chief defense mechanism
Whenever terror consumed my conscious awareness ...
Janet's death and sexual assault were not number
One and two on my list ... In fact neither event, which
Had traumatized portions of my brain, saw their way onto that
Consciously composed list, because, at that time, my
Conscious mind had no clue of my need to expose
Secrets that I'd kept from myself, which compelled
My intuitive mind to engage with a series of therapists
As I quested toward mental clarity over most of
My adult life, and the fact that two diametrically opposed
Polarized beliefs (which finally felt ready to
Expose themselves to my conscious awareness for
The very first time, today) proved so stubbornly difficult to
Correctly identify and rewire until now suggests
My need to work at resolving this inner conflict, which had
Stressed me beyond belief when exhaustion, during the
Weeks following Passover, compelled me to feel
Eager to high tail it to my next session of EMDR, scheduled
This afternoon, at which time I plan to be prepared to do
My utmost best to resolve this internal conflict, which
Up until this morning, had escaped conscious detection until
Intuitive thought began to whisper through
My wall of denial, inviting my sense of
Readied awareness to identify and absorb
The main root of the conflict that
Has served to torment my self image with
Subconscious confusion since I was
A terrified tot, so without further ado, let's reconsider
The string of insights that felt so eager to
Edify my conscious mind with clarity when
I found myself awake and alert, this morning at 4am:
Ever since my grandpa's sudden death
Followed two months later by my baby sister's Janet's birth
Followed two months later by Janet's sudden, tragic death
My undeveloped thought processor, at
The vulnerable age of less than three, felt reason to
Operate on one of two polarized channels:
Everything in my little corner of the world feels as perfect as heaven
Or everything in my little corner of the world feels scary as hell
And in this way did the shocking sequence
Of 'Life and Death' events (which worsened when I felt need to
Hide in the closet to save myself from watching
Terrifying arguments, flinging blame for Janet's death) heighten
My anxiety to levels that proved so overwhelming to my
Over taxed think tank as to stimulate Mother Nature to turn off
My thought processor, suggesting my disassociating
From (blocking) each episode of many-layered
Emotional complexity that my undeveloped, inexperienced
Thought processor could not possibly fathom, much less
Process, when, in truth, much of what I could not
Understand had confounded the minds and hearts of
Every adult (all of whom had previously taken
Such good care of me) to feel so utterly dumbstruck and
Deeply stricken, themselves, as to have had no clue of need to
Assuage the terrifying nature of trauma, suffered by
My psyche, which at not quite three years old, was
Busy programming itself to absorb irrational emotional
Reactiveness, which I'd watched in a riveted state of being as
My primary role models switched tracks from
One pole to the other at such lightening speed as to
Boggle my brain with very little wiggle room
Separating intense grief from intense anger, suggesting why
My self assessment absorbed these polarizing self perceptions:
I feel so perfectly strong as to believe my voice as fully capable of
Resolving every conflict that divides the grief struck hearts
Of my loved ones into separate, angry camps
Or
I feel so exhausted, because of this or that, to the point of
Feeling myself incapable of coping with any problem or
Conflict that feels so confoundingly insurmountable as to
Find myself utterly overwhelmed with anxious spikes of
Mental tension so intense as to suddenly be unable to
Breathe or eat! and while berating myself for imperfections
(which the traumatized portion of my psyche exaggerated
Ever since my grandpa's and sister's mysterious
'Disappearances' confounded my three year old subconscious to
Carry the heavy burden of questioning
My role in their unfathomable deaths so as to drive
The subconscious mind of a good, little girl to harbor
Overwhelmingly guilt-ridden, terribly frightened
Feelings which I shared with no one ... Including myself until
EMDR therapy coaxed my subconscious to reveal how utterly
Abandonded and emotionally alone I'd felt while
Believing that I had reason to beat my psyche to a pulp–each time
Extreme exhaustion deems my brain incapable of
Handling anything, at all, and the swift nature of each
Unconscious switch of self perception from
Super hero, solution-seeking sleuth to harshly judging myself as
Utterly worthless (likening exhaustion to kryptonite) illustrates
Just how quickly an eruption of subconscious fear can distort
An intelligent, highly educated, deep thinking, quick witted
Adult's sense of clarity, the moment that an eruptive episode
Of PTSD disrupts my brain's connection to
Reality as it stands, today, and here is what made
Matters worse until my current therapist had correctly
Diagnosed my episodic strikes of high anxiety with
My psyche's need to recover from PTSD:

Over my lifetime, no other professional had recognized
The telling symptoms, which caused my think tank to switch tracks
From brainstorming with heightened degrees of intuitive intelligence
To tensing up with need to curl myself into the fetal position as
Fearfully as had been true when I was three and had
Experienced sound reason for my level of anxiety
To spike so high—for months without end—as to have deemed my
Terrified brain incapable of finding my way out of a paper bag, first
When Grandpa's death shocked both households, which comprised my
Entire world and then, four months later at which time I experienced that
Same heightened sensation of mental terror when
A little girl's big round eyes watched her
Screaming mother, father, and Grandma find my baby sister
Dead after Janet's limp little body could not be awakened
From her afternoon nap ... now
Let's toss this flaming fact into that fire:  Sexual assault is
Known to exacerbate irrational reactions of worthlessness, most
Especially when the victim is an innocent child, who having swallowed
The self assertive portion of her voice, leaves her traumatized mind to
Believe that her tremulous smile is all alone with
An affectionate adult, who having won her trust, proves
To be a dangerous predator, and as this voiceless child has no way to ask
For help or seek adult guidance out of this on-going
Personal nightmare, because her overwhelming fear of frowns and
Yelling suggests why her brain resorted to enlist the same
Defense mechanism that saved her sanity when family life turned
Horribly crazy at the age of three—disassociation, which, mercifully
Blocked my conscious memory from remembering even one
Horrified detail about Grandpa, Janet or the predator, who
Stalked my innocence for years (though I do have
Vague memories from early on of crying in
A crib, all by myself, holding tight to my doll, Annie Muggins, which
I'd named after myself (Muggins was the way I'd pronounced
My last name) when I'd been hospitalized just before
Turning two, and not until PTSD was correctly diagnosed and
EMDR THERAPY began to peel away at layers of
A tormented, little girl's wall of denial does
The woman, Annie, begin to see both sides of her nature competing for
Space inside her brain as she alternates between being every bit as
Adventurously courageous as a super hero, leaping tall buildings at a
Single bound (like her daddy), as she also proves to be as
Fearsomely injured (as her mommy, who having been blamed
For her daughter's death can't lift her head off her pillow) So
Thank goodness the intuitive nature of
My life long quest for clarity led me to believe
My intelligence fully capable of following
The astute guidance offered by my well-trained, deeply esteemed
Therapist, each time we meet and work at this step by step process that
Proves necessary to heal the portions of my brain, which
Have suffered the effects of undiagnosed PTSD ever since I was three ...
(With lights flashing back and forth or buzzers
Buzzing in an alternating pattern within both of my hands I hear:
How do you feel about yourself, right now, Annie?
What do you know to be true of yourself?
What do you want to free yourself from feeling?
How can you reconcile that which you know to be true of 
Your adult traits with what you were made to feel when
You were three and then five and then twelve ...?)
Night after night, a good little girl, whose inner life
Proves to be private nightmare, draws forth blood, when
An agonizing itch makes her yearn to scream of
Repressed pain as she scratches to get out of
Her own skin, suggesting why today's string of
Insights points to my brain's need of
By-pass surgery, diverting unhealthy veins of
Thought away from my habit of self flagellation ever since
Sudden Death ... Birth ... Sudden Death ... And
Sexual assault, followed by bullying and finding myself
Uninvited to pre-teen parties catalyzed
My spirit's bright, fun-loving psyche to swirl between
Subconscious sensations of inexplicable polarity, concerning my
Birth family's extreme emotional swings, which aroused anxiety that
Propelled a three year old mind toward unwittingly willing myself to
Grow up to become a super-human sleuth, whose sparkling smile
Never gives up on identifying and resolving conflicts based in
Underlying power struggles until everyone's heartfelt goals have been
Addressed and realized or as an emotionally exhausted, utterly confounded
And thoroughly defeated individual as had been true when my three year old
Devastated sense of personal safety in the aftermath of experiencing
Terror so overwhelming as to have caused my injured self esteem to feel
Shattered beyond repair, rendered traumatized portions of
My brain to disassociate from any reality that was not positively focused when
I'd felt incapable of fathoming life's complexities, which is why I tended to make
Decisions, based in denial of my needs, thus, eventually causing
My brain to exhaust at which time my conscious mind became
Highly susceptible to feeling so wasted as to slip into
Another episode of PTSD where underlying attitudes of
Self conceived negativity catalyze my self assessment to feel
As terrified of life and as utterly alone and as
Completely inept and tense (from an over-production of
Adrenalin pumping through my veins ) as to be unable to
Breathe or eat, thus fulfilling my three year old child's predetermined
Belief that all that I treasure within my safe, sunny, little world is about
To implode, and as long as my exhaustion feels disconnected (disassociated)
From today's reality of my being worthy of love, my inability to save
Everyone from everything that could possibly go wrong colors my
My conscious awareness so darkly as to blind me to this fact:
Extreme exhaustion, which knocks out my think tank
Gives rise to my feeling highly vulnerable to feeling helpless to
Stop subconscious fear from grabbing control over my conscious
Mind at a time when a problem (any problem) pops up, which
Due to my current state of mental exhaustion, I can't solve, sweeping
My self esteem into a downhill spiral so quickly that
The sum of my parts feels sucked into a bottomless
Black hole of fear where impending disaster, crashing into my smarts
Seems to smash my host of inner strengths to smithereens until
The only view of myself that my mirror reflects, concerning
The person I feel myself to be is reduced to
Sharply jagged shards of splintered glass (and thus does
An extreme state of exhaustion see me stumbling off
My positively focused path to find myself drowning in a
Cloudy quagmire of subconscious negativity, which serves to
Severely diminish my state of well, and as that has happened
Four times in my life, I see a pattern where
My self assessment is rendered to feel as confounded as had proven true
When my brain was severely traumatized at the age of three, before
Cognitive thought had had a chance to develop—and that is
Exactly what took place inside my head during recent weeks when
My mind felt as foggily befuddled in the aftermath of our
Festive Passover weekend as had been true when
The revolving door of death, life and death had spun so fast as to have
Traumatized my mind into reacting in a polarized manner at the age of three
And over these past few years, I've been gathering puzzling pieces that
Comprise this pattern, which began to shape itself into a bigger picture as if
My life's five hundred piece puzzle (sans picture on the top of the box) was
Actually coming together, at last:
As long as that bigger picture remained foggy, blocking my sense of
Clarity from identifying the inner conflict that divided my
Self assessment into polarized attitudes, confusion ran interference with
My ability to sustain a true appreciation for the personally
Enriching realities of my life once an episode of PTSD had
Usurped complete control over my mind, and here's why that proved true
Four times over these past twenty years:
Once PTSD colored my perceptions, I couldn't shake the feeling that
The shadow of death was about to darken my door, stealing away
Another person I love, and thus, while immersed within
A current episode of PTSD, my think tank reacted exactly as though
Once again, the very existence of my well-being felt dependent upon
The mercy of adult reactions, which tended to look down in the nose at
Me whenever mental exhaustion was mistaken for
Emotional depression, which, in my family was stigmatized as being a
Personal weakness worthy of shame, and as no one (including me) had
Any reason to fathom that exhaustion caused my brain to become vulnerable to
Episodes of PTSD (for which people offer compassionate support rather than
Casting forth negatively focused judgment calls) until this week's train of intuitive
Thought offered up insight that shined the spotlight of hindsight on the similarities
Connecting my current state of high anxiety with feeling as lost in a fog of
confounding terror as had been true when I, as a child of three, had not
Developed the mental clarity to comprehend my fear of the shadow of
Death, which actually closed in on my family, twice in such a short time as
To have caused such high anxiety, all around, as to have spiked my sense of
Fear and grief so high as to have exhausted my spirit and mind, so when I
Exhaust myself, today, my visceral memory of exhaustion, due to
Death arouses the same deeply stressed, unhealed visceral
(Physical) reactions which had manifested as sudden spikes of high anxiety when
My conscious level of comprehension was too undeveloped to process
Specific memories other than muscle memory of physical torment, which
Accompany childhood's terrors, associated with unexpected death or
Physical assault ... and since this late stage of my life suggests that death is
Sure to tear loved ones out of my arms and away from this life, sooner
Rather than later ... today's realities, combined with my most recent
Episode of exhaustion, releasing an episode of PTSD, rendered
My thought processor incapable of discerning yesteryear's complex set of
Confounding disasters from misperceptions that tricked me into
'Seeing' my personal sense of safety deconstructing and imploding once
Mental exhaustion stirred yesteryear's subconscious negativity to
Wreak havoc upon my peace of mind, which I could not retrieve, no matter
Where I turned or what people said to reassure me that everything's okay
And here's why that's true:  Once an episode of PTSD (which, thanks to
EMDR therapy, chokes my think tank for much shorter lengths of time) has
Grabbed my mind, I can't stop feeling that whatever I fear happening, next, is
Lurking around the next corner, and to make matters worse, I fear that
When this imminent disaster occurs, I will be held at fault for this reason ...
At three years old I'd subconsciously condemned a good, though imperfect
Little girl guilty of causing her parents to suffer such extremes of pain and grief
That from then on, I'd feared provoking anyone's frowns, and as frowns
Provoke frowns, I swallowed my own, along with
The self assertive portion of my voice while charging my
Undeveloped think tank with righting everything within my
Little corner of the world that could possibly go wrong—forever—and
Ever since then, my brain has struggled to correctly identify this inner conflict:
When I feel fully energized, my conscious mind believes me capable
Of 'fixing' anything (and anyone—inclusive of strangers, who seem in need)
However, as soon as exhaustion hits (four times, now, suggesting
a pattern) my inability to be of service stimulates an episode of
PTSD to arise and my heightened state of anxiety literally scares me
Half to death until time passes and no one dies, offering my heightened
State of anxiety reason to relax and as inner strengths recoup and exhaustion
(Which had deem me to feel as vulnerable and imperfect and depressed as
Had been true of my mind and spirit when the shocking deaths of loved ones had
Actually darkened our door) reenergizes, my think tank recovers its positive
Focus without having offered me a clue of the fact that the extreme nature of
My irrational, visceral reactions resulted from an attack of PTSD, and as
I'd not thought to make that rational connection until last week, I'd flog myself (as
Had my birth family, for feeling so reactive, upon exhausting, as to render myself
As utterly incapable of handling anything in the same way as that proved
True when my three year old mind experienced sound reason to
Suffer from festering, overwhelming sensations of traumatized fear—which
Until recently, remained unhealed).

Four times I exhausted to the point of flooding my mind with episodes of PTSD
And each time I recovered without comprehension, my polarized inner control freak
Took charge of my life, suggesting why I'd held myself accountable for
Assuming the role of super hero sleuth, yet again, causing me to make
Decisions that led straight toward total exhaustion not once, not twice, not
Thrice, but four times before the sleuth in me stood up and declared:
Behold!  The unidentified pattern of my self defeating polarity has
Finally exposed itself to me!
And now, my friends, you are the first to know of the subconscious
Nature of this pattern, which has needed to show itself to my
Conscious mind before I felt able to plan to create changes for the better by
Way of engaging in sessions of EMDR therapy, which rewire my brain to
Detour away from trains of thought, based in negatively focused attitudes, born
Of unhealed PTSD, and now we know why intuitive thought repeatedly chugged
Forth similar strings of insights, day after day, until today's synopsis of
My host of posts carved an ever deepening groove of clarity into
My conscious mind in order that I could clearly see the pattern of
Polarity which had inspired my compelling need to identify a self defeating
Pattern, which haunts my smarts to faint dead away each time I wear myself out to
The bone by dismissing my needs in favor of satisfying the needs of
My loved ones until, eventually, the anger that it's been my unconscious
Habit to repress (as thought God will strike me down if I so much as frown) when
My spirit of generosity is taken for granted by loved ones, repeatedly, and
Since I've unknowingly vowed not to frown, the anger from which
I've unknowingly disassociated since the age of three emerges in the form of
Subconsciously depressed rage (Who me?  How could that be?)
And now, with this puzzle piece in hand, concerning my formerly
Undefined polarity, I have a feeling that the bigger picture of my life
Has rounded out, suggesting that my therapist can gently guide me to by-pass
Narrow, negatively focused, self-destructive patterns of thought in favor of
Expanding the spectrum of my self-image by channeling my thoughts to
Become far less polarized, much more realistic than had been true when
Misperception had colored my traits as dark or bright with little wiggle room in between
I mean too much  in the way of imaginative thought, at either end of
A polarizing spectrum is not good for mental health, suggesting why
Each train of thought, leading up to today's epiphany of intuitive insights
Has offered my conscious mind a cleansing, clarified sense of
Self perception, concerning that which my think tank is in need of
Rebalancing during today's session of EMDR:
I need to work at rewiring subconscious attitudes
Which, proving to be black or white (fear-based or courageous)
Undermine my good health, and once we've successfully
By-passed negatively focused channels of mental energy, we
Can work to restructure my internal sense of balance within
The framework of a string of insights that is as healthy and
Positively focused as this next one proves to be:
I have never been all alone, nor do I need fear ever being alone
I have always been worthwhile, lovable and
Deeply loved for sound reason and
For sound reason, the fact that I am lovable
Deeply loved and worthwhile will always be true of me
When exhausted I'll remain aware of two changes:
I will not push myself so far as to completely
Deplete all of my strengths, and if fate offers me
Reason to exhaust, I will remember that any disaster, which
May coincidentally take place at that time, will not be my fault ...
I am a very good person, suggesting
That my imperfections do not equate with
Worthlessness, and if the defense systems of
Others have need to put me down in order to
Mask their own shortcomings, I will
Make good use of my voice to
Calmly suggest where their incomplete assessment of
My best character traits may be in need of adjustment
If, upon further discussion, their judgements prove justified
I'll humbly apologize without beating myself up for being human
I am Annie and being of sound mind
I know myself to have countless reasons to
Be as kind and respectful to myself as I am to my friends
And in addition to acknowledging reason to love the person whom
I have grown up to be, I have sound reason to respect my needs and
Beliefs by making good use of my voice ... so that if I, feeling angry
Have need to turn my smile upside down, I do not need to fear that
God will forsake me and strike a loved one down ...
Gosh!  Today's train of thought feels steeped
Within such depths of mental clarity that
I don't think even an iota of editing will be necessary!
WHEW!