1314S IT IS 5:19AM

This awareness, concerning intuitive thought, bears repeating:
Though I'm good with the fact that intuitive thought has come to 'direct' my conscious mind to feel safe (rather than defensive and thus resistant) whenever my sense of courage 'conducts' the sum of my personal strengths to venture ever more deeply into revealing subconscious secrets that I'd kept from myself, it sure would be nice if I could coax my quest for self discovery (which mines my subconscious for additional strings of insight until my sense of emotional maturity develops the readiness to confront yet another unprocessed memory, which had proved so traumatic as to have burdened the terrified mind of an innocent child with a haunting sense of undeserved guilt) to harmonize with my desire to sleep later than 5AM!

As currently, my clock says 5:19AM, and as Ravi's parents are catching a flight to party on the coast with Barry, Marie, David, along with about a hundred of their mutual friends, guess who's about to welcome a sweet, one year old munchkin to enjoy a weekend sleepover at Gramma's and Grampa's ... suggesting sound reason to place my iPad aside, rest my mind and catch up on as many Zzzzz's as possible, thus readying myself to keep up with our little bundle of energetic joy, who plans to appear at our front door before noon ...

And now that intuitive thought has penned what it felt need to say for today, imagine my stylus pushing publish while my mind, body and spirit, smiling in anticipation of enjoying a weekend  overflowing with heartfelt delight, hope to drift into a peaceful slumber for at least another hour or if I'm lucky, maybe one hour will stretch into two ...

Later:
My eyes just opened and upon glancing at the clock
Low and behold, guess what I saw?
I saw - 8:30 - staring back at me so melodically as to have
Drawn forth my smile as naturally as
Proves true whenever the maestro within orchestrates
The sum of my personal strengths until feats of
Mental complexity appear to play out so simply that
All that meets an observer's eye is
A well organized symphony of well practiced musicality, directed by
My conscious awareness, tuning into common sense, which
Alerts my sense of readiness to signal creativity to
Take an extra bow after each simple plan, offering
Change for the better all around, has soloed on center stage

And now that intuitive thought has challenged my
Conscious mind to orchestrate the second part of today's post
It's time to rest my mind while readying
The inner glow of my smile to welcome
My sweet natured, one year old grand daughter, whose
Squeals of delight, each time she's surprised to see me
Infuse my sense of well being with such depths of joy as to
Consciously treasure beyond measure
Every moment of sheer bliss experienced in her company
And with that said, my stylus is ready to push publish, again

1314R GEEZ LOUISE! WHAT AM I DOING UP AT 5AM??

Just as an orchestra practices privately, repeatedly, before playing a complex concerto, publicly, my think tank reviews strings of insight, time and again, in hopes of tuning in to deeper truth, concerning how best to harmonize my needs with the needs of others.  And with harmony in mind, guess which maestro chose to review post 1314P, yet again?  Yup.  Yours truly!  So once again, here I am passing the baton, hoping that your intuition will choose to pick it up and practice scaling up and down insights added to post 1314P, and if you've tired of reviewing that post, I understand, because in no way does my thought processor want to consider the merit of additional strings of insights, which, upon filtering into my awareness, awakens me  before the crack of dawn when the rest of me had planned to start my day in a leisurely fashion, many hours later than sunrise!

Though I'm good with the fact that (over recent years) intuitive thought has 'directed' my conscious mind to feel safe (rather than defensively resistant) each time my sense of courage 'conducts' the sum of my personal strengths to venture ever more deeply into revealing subconscious secrets, it sure would be nice if I could coax my quest for self discovery (which, day after day, mines my subconscious for additional strings of insight until my growing sense of emotional maturity develops the readiness to confront yet another unprocessed memory so traumatizing as to have burdened the terrified mind of an innocent child with undeserved guilt) to harmonize with my desire to sleep later than 5AM!

1314Q HAPPY CHANUKAH!

In addition to celebrating Chanukah
Today is my birthday
So as my holiday gift to you, I've added
Another string of insights to post 1314P
And if you'd like to offer a birthday gift to me
You can choose to consider that which
Intuitive thought revealed over night
As for now, picture me wishing you
The same, 'easy-peasy' five star day that
I'm planning to enjoy, myself
And when our family gathers to light our menorah
I'll be sure to have a fire extinguisher handy so as not to
Set my house afire while attempting to blow out
All the candles on my cake with one gynormous breath ...

1314P DEEPER TRUTH AND DISCRETION

Generally speaking, inner conflict disrupts peace of mind when two of my personal values clash, riddling the decision-making portion of my brain with confusion until intuitive thought reveals an insight into deeper truth, which clarifies a detail that had escaped my sense of awareness.

Since insight into deeper truth serves to open my eyes to subconscious fears and personal traits to which I'd been blind, it makes sense to muster the courage and humility necessary to peel away at my wall of denial in order to see the entirety of the person, whom I actually prove to be, presently.

Each time I consciously muster up the personal strength of humility to confront less desirable traits which my defense system had denied as my own, my sense of emotional maturity can save my ego from burning in the fires of humiliation, most especially at those times when my mirror reflects the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, concerning vulnerabilities in need of further strengthening.

Do you know what separates conscious truth from deeper truth?
A wall of denial, which blocks our think tanks from identifying subconscious truths, concerning that which we actually feel but have repressed from awareness.  If you ask:  why did Mother Nature program our defense systems to hide certain traits and feelings from our conscious minds?  I'd reply:  We hide from truths that make us feel so unsafe as to interfere with our thought processor's ability to function on a day to day basis.

If you say:  Annie, I understand why fear is blocked, but what blocked your conscious awareness from identifying your unmet needs, over most of your life?  I'd reply:  My rcpressed fear of abandonment.  As long as, I remained blind to the fact that my subconscious need to receive smiles dominated all of my other needs, my conscious awareness focused solely upon my ability irradiate frowns by satisfying the unmet needs of others.  Why?  Because the mere hint of a frown aroused the main root of my anxiety, and that remained unchanging until intuitive thought sensed my readiness for insight into my repressed fear of emotional abandonment to emerge from within the secret pocket within my subconscious where Mother Nature hid deeper truths, concerning fears, which had scared (scarred) a small child's self esteem half to death.  And as long as that fear remained in its repressed (unprocessed state) my sense of security would suffer from bouts of undiagnosed PTSD.

As strings of insight highlighted my growing sense of awareness, concerning the unresolved nature of the root of my anxiety, which in the aftermath of Janet's shocking death, had left me (the surviving child) feeling unworthy of my parents' love, my subconscious fear of frowns lost its clout, suggesting the retirement of my life-long need to bend over backward to meet everyone's needs while denying the importance of my own.  And thus did the conscious absorption of deeper truth relieve my innocence of undeserved guilt, which I'd foisted upon myself at the tender age of three, which, universally, proves to be a crucial stage of personality development.

Once intuitive thought, concerning my need for personal growth, identified my readiness to explore my latent fear of combustible, angry confrontation, clarity, concerning the universality of the human condition (meaning that all people could benefit from identifying repressed fears and unmet needs) coaxed me to muster the courage to take one careful step forward (into uncharted territory) after another until a host of personal vulnerabilities, in need of strengthening, showed themselves to me, one after another.  And once insight into my readiness to muster the courage necessary to take conscious steps forward, toward making gains in emotional maturity, the creative portion of my thought processor began to conjure up simple solution seeking plans, each of which led to change for the better, all around. Upon reflection, the creative nature of these plans (each of which was based in personal growth on my part) began when my first child was two, suggesting my being 27 years old.

Today, common sense suggests that there are times within every person's life when questing toward deeper truth (concerning self discovery) makes more sense than remaining confounded about how best to resolve conflicts, which prove complex, universal and timeless.  Having led classes in conflict resolution and problem solving skills for more than forty years, simplifying emotional complexity has become second nature to the creative center of my brain.  And now that I've come to see how unprocessed fear exacerbates inner conflict, thus arousingspikes of latent anxiety, which serves to confounds our decision making process, my readiness to know both sides of myself chooses to identify fears to which my conscious awareness is still blind..

Whereas subconscious denial of deeper truth is born of unprocessed (unidentified, defensive) fear, my conscious sense of need for discretion (to times when solution seeking proves necessary) is born of experiential wisdom.

Today, with self discovery as my guide
My self assured voice is rarely silenced by unidentified fear, over long
Today, when fear clutches my conscious mind, I'm inclined to say:
Let me ponder over the confounding nature of this complexity, and
After I sleep on it (offering intuitive thought to filter into
My conscious mind) I'll get back to you
I say this knowing, full well, that insight into deeper truth may
Need to percolate, over night ... And once a simple solution
To a confounding problem speaks to me, I'll ask you to contemplate
The merits of a plan, which, being grounded in introspective insight, employs
Common sense to simplify complexity, so that
My think tank, no longer feeling confounded, can see why
The unresolved nature of our conflict proves worthy of further discussion

If you ask why my solution seeking success rate proves so high, I'd reply:
I place my faith in the fact that each positively focused train of thought is
Based in common sense, suggesting that intuition guides my self confident stance to
Know when to engage my well practiced listening skills vs when
To open my mouth and listen to deeper truth flowing naturally out of my mind
In other words, during times fraught with conflict
You'll not hear me say a word until I feel confident that
Emotional maturity and discretion are holding hands with kindness, suggesting that
There are times to expose deeper truth, as painful as it may be to hear, and
Times to withhold deeper truth in the privacy of my mind, rather than
Freeing everything I feel or think for public consumption
And thus do I believe that in order to develop the discretion and kindness that
Holds hands with the development of emotional maturity
Each person must advances on life's path toward personal growth by
Taking countless, cautious steps, at one's own pace ...  Thus do I feel
 Deeply appreciative of the fact that
My open-minded, intuitive adventure with
Positively focused, personal growth got off to a creative start when
I was in my twenties, and my children, being tiny tots with
Sponge-like minds, followed this Pied Piper's positive lead, so
Simply and freely, much more often than not, so as to
Suggest why our family relationships' sense of
All-for-one-and-one-for-all is fraught with so little inner conflict, today

1314 O

Well, it happened, again!
 Post 1314N blossomed into a  bouquet of insights, over night!

1413N ALL I CAN SAY IS THANK GOODNESS FOR THE EDITING PROCESS!

2015
Each time intuition compels me to review

A post published, previously, I comply, and

Lo and behold, guess what I find?

I find the most intelligent portion of my mind striking

Gold, yet again, in this way:  Insights, absorbed, yesterday
Have had time to percolate, over night, so that upon
Awakening, today, my intelligence can

Revisit that same hot spot, and

Upon mining ever more deeply than before

Intuitive thought 'picks' up on yet another

Mother load of insights, which my quest for

Self awareness had need to absorb, and since

The prospector in me yearns to share each rich vein of
Unburied treasure with you, I aim to pass the 'pick'
(Which taps ever more deeply into my need to

Grow ever more wise), in hopes of coaxing

Your thirst for personal growth to 'pick' up on
Newly mined insight into deeper truth, As did I

Each time the most intelligent portion of

Your brain chooses to scroll down my blog to
Reread a post published, previously, closed mindsets grow
More apt to open and expand at your own pace as naturally as
Has become true of mine, and if you ask:  Annie, what
Compels you to review insights, which

Emerged from within your own brain, time and again?
I'd reply:  Carving new pathways for positively focused
Attitudes to travel (in hopes of actively creating

Lasting change for the better) depends upon my calling forth

A host of inner strengths (such as

Humility, courage, patience and resilience), every day, and
Though practice does not make perfect, time spent processing and practicing
Positively focused attitudes proves necessary before the narrow confines of
My old comfort zone feels free to expand so much as to encourage the
Self assured portion of my voice to grow so bold as to express

My newly expanded frame of mind, concerning my unmet needs, aloud

Every time I review a post, published previously (in hopes of
Deepening my conscious absorption of each
Next mother load of insights, which seems to emerge, as though
All on its own), my intuitive sense of deeper truth identifies
Yet another narrow minded attitude, which had not served me well

As I know that the conscious absorption of each new mother load of insights
Depends upon the expansion of my comfort zone to grow less resistant to
My spitit's need need to create change for the better in order to
 Meet my needs in a caring way that proves less complex
Less problematic, more creative and simplistic than had
Felt possible at an earlier time when my mindset had been
Confined within a framework, which had proved too narrow to
'Pick' up on this fact:  The restless nature of inner conflict, which just won't quit
Reflects deeper truth prodding our intelligence to grow ever more
Attentive to the human spirit's subconscious need to peel away at
Layers of denial until a door opens inside our minds, and
Upon walking through this door, which our wall of denial had
Blocked our conscious minds from viewing, we see
A path that invites our heartfelt needs to take steps toward
Freely accepting each other's love in such a healthy manner as to
Experience depths of joy, which the narrow focus of
Our self perceptions had forbidden our spirits to
Embrace, wholly and naturally, though
Intuitive thought had implored us to grow
Ever more attentive to unmet needs, coaxing us to
Melt away all sense of inner conflict, which
Being based in undeserved guilt had barred our way from
Welcoming a brand new opportunity to
Nurture each other's hearts by nourishing our souls with
Fruit that need not feel forbidden once personal growth
Offered us reason to unpack subconscious guilt, carried
Forth as excess baggage ever since childhood, when
Toeing the mark (set by our parents) and our sense of
personal safety felt permanently indivisible ...

I've come to see how frequently ntuitive thought
Coaxes me to edit a post, anew, in hopes of my becoming
Ever more aware of my need to reprocess
A misperceived self perception, carried forth, subconsciously, since
Childhood, until, finally, upon astute reflection, I come to see that
My original self assessment had been so flawed as to
Have blinded my sense of clarity from seeing
The character traits of the adult I've grown to be, today, with
An eye trained upon accuracy ...
And once my self worth measures up to the person I
Choose to be, today, yesteryear's guilt
Slides out of my mind, freeing all of me to
Satisfy my heartfelt needs, daringly and
Creatively, without feeling selfish, at all!

1413M IF IT'S NOT ONE THING (FOR WHICH TO FEEL THANKFUL), IT'S ANOTHER!

2015
I have reason to feel thankful for the well practiced art of diplomacy, negotiating toward win/win

During therapy sessions, I've often heard;
Annie, when you've been bitten, you tend to smile and hold out flowers
When bitten, it's time to take control over your life

To my way of thinking, taking control is interpreted as
Concentrating my intelligence upon 'damage control'

I believe astute leadership is accountable for sensing those times when damage control is necessary to secure a flock, which might otherwise feel so frazzled by ruffled feathers as to fall out of formation, whereby upon flying apart, birds can be seen crashing into each other's vulnerabilities and hot spots until leadership, employing use of innate intelligence to ensure that all, who are involved, reach their destination feeling safe and sound, manages to regain the mental concentration to recognize those times when the survival of the flock is at stake,  by training one's eye to focus on the bigger picture, so that in the heat of the moment, skillful diplomatic negotiations steadies the anxieties of the flock so as to regain its sense of 'all for one and one for all', because no man, woman, child or seagull is an island.  (Currently, one of my book clubs is reading Jonathan Livingston Seagull ... Wanna take a wild guess at which member of our group suggested that book for discussion?)

Several weeks ago, I experienced being bitten by a wolf in sheep's clothing in a group situation, and though, initially, the unexpected nature of that verbal wrestling match threw my sense of balance out of formation, I managed to recover my mojo in time to reply with intelligence intact.  Upon reflection, I was up against two opponents:  the person, whose anger (at my open exposure of vulnerability) spewed judgmental reactiveness all over my character) and the fact I had to quell the arousal of PTSD, which causes anxiety to spike each time anger is directed at me.  In retrospect,  I guess you could say that having chanced to expose my vulnerability, publicly, a person, who calls herself friend, went for the jugular, and as the nature of this person's unexpected verbal attack proved so impassioned as to have aroused my defense system, the door, behind which PTSD lays in wait to confound my personal strengths, flew open, but this time, my smarts did not call uncle.  This time, my knowledge of PTSD gained control over my spike in anxiety, and rather than shutting down like a clam or releasing my indignation by flinging back the same kind of disrespectful verbiage spewed, pointedly, at my exposed vulnerability, my intelligent sense of self respect chose to place my defensive reaction in time out on the spot, and thus did I consciously muster the maturity necessary to free my think tank to secure a sense of balance between emotion and logic within my brain , indicative of the fact that—in no way did I back down from my original stance.  In no way did my head hang in passive contrition, feeling so whipped as to have led myself straight toward self defeat.  The fact of the matter is this:  That unexpected wrestling match was not my first experience with a person, who for some reason exposed an impassioned need to strike out, harshly, in an attempt to knock down my exposed vulnerability instead of offering me a compassionate ear.  Upon reflection, intuition suggested that this frenemy had need to engage our minds in a power struggle of some kind.  And if my sensitivity, concerning the subtlety of adult power struggles, is on target, this person had no clue as to whom she'd challenged to enter the ring.  As wrestlers have nick names, let's nick name my challenger, Unmercifully Contentious, while calling me Conscientiously Empathetic.

If you wonder about my think tank's well practiced, self disciplined reaction to deflecting the undermining effect of this particular frenemy's attack, well, my first thought was of Tacotsubo, and as I'd made the conscious decision not to repeat that unhealthy physical reaction, due to my repression of anger, I chose to call upon my Line of Control in order to employ the strength of my listening skills in order to carefully consider every word used to undercut my best traits.  By placing faith in my personal strengths,  I deemed my brain capable of responding to this person's emotional tirade with my sense of logic and self respect, intact.  As to reactions from observers in the room, I believe that, for the most part, they were shocked senseless.

Once this frenemy's outburst of judgmental condemnation had played itself out, I felt my body shaking with anger while my brain, functioning as an intelligent, well-practiced whole, felt able to toss every insult to my character aside, thus extrapolating one thought that offered my thought processor reason to respond to this impassioned outpouring of venom with one strong and yet empathetic statement of my own.  As this frienemy was seated right next to me, I, choosing to take her hand in mine, felt a kindly smile appear on my face while my gentle but self respecting tone of voice replied:  'I believe that deep inside, you and I may be more alike than you know.'  And as she seemed struck speechless, not one more word had need to be said.

While driving home, I'd felt the self restrained force of my anger seeping out of every pore of my body but not in such a way as to cause my heart to react like an over blown hot air balloon about to explode.  Instead, I remained mindful of concentrating my attention on driving the two blocks, separating my home from the battlefield, left behind, and not until my bright red SUV was safely parked in our garage did I feel and express that which I hope proved to be a healthy outpouring of repressed rage—because each time I choose to open the door, behind which is stored yesteryear's repressed anger, that which will be released will free my blocked sense of self empowerment to spiral forth with the propulsive force of a tornado-like funnel, swirling layers of super charged energy, which had formerly been contained in a passive but every bit as potent state as TNT, and upon writing that last thought, I felt my lips turn up into a smile to think back on the brain strength that proved necessary to monitor the intelligence of my reactions while the arousal of my survival instinct had been actively pouring adrenalin, which, though rushing through my blood stream, did not arouse so much anxiety as to pin the intelligent, solution seeking portion of my brain to the mat, suggesting that never, again, will I unconsciously allow a store house of anger to repress so deeply within me to the point of endangering my heart ... And thus has today's intuitive train of thought expressed the vital difference that separates a conscious and healthy suppression of emotion from the subconscious repression of emotion, which proves deleterious to the good health of your heart and mine.

Interesting, isn't it, how opponents are placed on our paths to test our advancement, concerning each step we take toward personal growth.

Upon entering the safe haven of my home, I sought out Will, who was seated at the kitchen table, working away at an IME, and after respectfully requesting permission to interrupt his concentration, my suppressed passion bursts forth with:  I'm soooo angry!  Will, looking up from his work, responds with:  Now, say that without smiling.

My response to him:  Will, I'm laughing at my need to make certain that my anger is fully felt and expelled rather than resorting to denial and repression, as had been my habit in the past.  At that, Will laughs while shaking his head.  Then I hear my husband ask:  What angered you, Annie?  And how do you know it's been expelled?  in answer to these astute questions, I detail my experience, ending with:  I still feel the depth of my anger rushing through my blood stream, right now!  Not for one moment did I feel passive or subservient!  In fact, I wanted to tear off her head.  My body was actually shaking as if negatively charged energy couldn't stop pulsing its way out of my depths, and this feeling that's still coursing through me, right now, feels so awful that I can't wait till every bit of this fury, I feel, has been expressed and fully spent!

At that moment, Angie rings the bell.  What a perfect evening to have planned a girl's night out with my closest female friend.  Though rage continues to pulse out of my pores throughout the rest of the evening, I feel safely wrapped within the arms of love, friendship and ... self respect.

I didn't expect to write about this, today.  Actually, I didn't expect to write anything more than expressing a need to take another break.  Then my brain, functioning on its own, as a whole, chose to write a synopsis of that which I'd felt, several weeks back, without need to plug in even one time-consuming detail, because each attack on one's best character traits is like most others, which is why the 'she said and I said' so often grows tedious to our listeners' ears.

The only one who needs know specific details of this attack is me.  So, in the interest of your time and mine, my think tank chose to offer only my 'change for the better' reaction, thus freeing intuitive thought to describe the sum of my brain's inner strengths, functioning as a well balanced whole under pressure.  And though I'd felt too angry in the moment to note how mature my reaction proved to be, despite the attack suffered by my exposed vulnerability, upon reflection, here is what I've absorbed more deeply than ever, on this first day of the rest of my life:  The knowledge that I can depend on my defense system to work with, rather than against my sense of logic as my life continues to unfold.  And the next thing my newly revived, self asserting voice feels need to say is this:  Amen to my brain's intuitive ability to express a train of thought, which validates my self worth, most especially when I feel empowered to disempower anger from causing my anxiety to spike so high as to create a flash flood that sweeps clarity of thought straight out of my mind.  I like knowing that my anger can flash forth without harming a vulnerable hair on anyone's head.  In fact, I believe the discomfort that I endured during that unexpected experience will serve as a dress rehearsal, which readies me to attend to the difficult task of initiating a confrontation whenever my spirit feels need to make sound use of my voice to achieve a feat that depends upon the courage of my convictions expressing whatever I truly feel, aloud.  (As you may have realized, this post is an example of personal growth, speaking freely, from deep within my soul to anyone who wants to know what I think about when I find time to be alone with my mind.)

As for this lengthy break from story telling, which
Has been percolating on a back burner within my brain
I've no clue how long this current feeling will persist, because
My crystal ball is no where to be found, suggesting that
It's best to simply free myself as a whole to live and enjoy
One healthy day at a time, and as I feel this train of thought
Pulling into today's rest station, I'm inclined to
Say so long after ending today's post on a lighter note:
Angie and I were discussing anger issues, at dinner, when
Our waitress, overhearing our conversation, chimed in with:
Sounds like you need to think of your glasses as half full
To which, my thought processor replied:  You're right, and
As soon as we empty these glasses of wine, I'll bet
Our attitude switches, spontaneously, to more than half full!
And with that, she set two glasses of

Kim Crawford Sauvignon Blanc before us, and
We three enjoyed a good laugh at no one's expense, because
At the end of the day, I believe in the concept of live and let live, though
That's not to say that upon awakening, the next morning
I'd felt ready to stop wanting to bop
A certain someone in the nose ... Suggesting that
Only time will tell how many layers of latent anger
Remain tightly coiled within my subconscious, in need of healthy release ...

As for now, tis time to ready myself to enjoy and
Feel thankful for the kind of day that is bound to
Stimulate the natural sparkle of my smile, because
A play date with Ravi lies directly ahead, and
Knowing my good fortune, full well
Please imagine your friend's think tank
Consciously acknowledging the upside of working through
Latent anger in an intelligent manner while
Simultaneously acknowledging countless blessings, which
Make my heart runneth over with gratitude and love ...
Not just during the holidays but throughout every day of the year