924 NGUOUY Part 88 WILL AWAKENS IN RECOVERY

September 24, 2013
This is a large hospital with twenty-two operating rooms. The recovery room holds many beds, each curtained off from the others.  While standing watch at Will's side, waiting for his eyes to open, love for this good man with whom I've shared every day of my adult life wells up inside me.  Within a moment or two, Will's eyelids flutter; then grimicing with pain, his eyes open, and upon seeing me, he smiles and so do I; then, eyes closing, his grimace returns.

As though on its own, my hand strokes my husband's cheek and bending over to kiss his lips lightly, I say:  Will, I'm going to tell the nurse you need something for pain.

At this, Will's eyes open and he replies:  No, she just gave me a shot.
Then his grimace tightens, so leaving his side, I seek out his nurse, introduce myself and speak of Will's discomfort.  She smiles and says:  The anesthetic is wearing off; I have a shot waiting beside his bed.

Will said he just had a shot.
No.  I've been waiting for him to ask for it.
Relieved to have followed my own lead, she and I return to Will.

As though sensing our presence, Will opens his eyes, and when the nurse asks how he feels, my husband smiles, turns toward me and replies:  As long as my dolly is here, I'm fine.  (Dolly had been my Dad's pet name for me.  Once Dad was gone, Will chose it as his own …)

Injection in hand, Will's nurse gets down to business:  On a scale of one to ten, ten being the worst, how's the pain?
About ... Eight
Next thing we know, Will is injected with a trip to Lala Land, and as his features relax and his eyes close, his grimace transforms into peaceful repose …

By now, it's about 3:30 and having received word that every bed in the hospital is full, we'll remain in recovery until a patient is discharged.

While Will dozes, I slide my hand gently free of his and find my way through the corridor maze back to the inner sanctum, so that everyone who's waited throughout the day can take turns visiting him, two at a time.  If there's one thing I know without question it's this:  There's little in life more uplifting then two loving hearts smiling into each other's eyes.

It's close to 5PM when our volunteer lets us know that a room has been vacated.  I thank her, again, for every kindness, and after we hug, she lets us know her shift is over and wishes us well.

It's been a long day, all around, so after tidying up, tossing plastic bottles, paper cups, and various wrappers into the trash, we gather our things, and when the door to the inner sanctum locks behind us, everyone moves forward toward whatever lies ahead.

Then, while making our way through the corridor maze, this hope springs eternal:  The next leg of our journey will lead us all toward better days, beginning, right now.  If you ask what makes me believe that's true, I'd reply:  In the absence of hope, life can feel like barreling cliffside without any brakes, suggesting that the only way to go is down.  Secondly, who wants to write a story about a heroine whose spirit remains afraid of dark shadows until she exhales her very last breath?

February 7, 2014
Head stuffy, nose sneezy, wondering if Will's bug bit me, too …
Friends from Will's residency years are in town
Much to our disappointment, all around, illness forced our hand, causing us to cancel last night's dinner plans.

We expect house guests, Lara and Mack, tomorrow, from the frigid Midwest.
Got an email from Mack, yesterday, which said:
Six more inches of snow ... Get me out of here!
I responded with a :)  and this caution:
Will's got a cold ...
Mack's response?
Cold, shmold … it's freezing!  We're coming!!
That made me laugh
Mack and Lara are down to earth, high spirited, caring, lots of fun and
Here's the icing on the cake:
Mack's the funniest person I've ever met
If laughter's the best medicine, he's just what the doctor ordered …

Did I mention that after an annual stress test, Mack's cardiologist hospitalized our dear friend, immediately?  That before sun set, Lara's tearful kiss brought a smile to Mack's face in recovery after his quintuple by pass shocked the socks off of everyone who loves this energetic guy, who works out and eats right?  Several years back, Mack shocked the heck out of me.  He'd called to catch up, and when he heard I was scheduled for brain surgery, later that week, my dear friend burst into tears—Amazing how swiftly a rip tide of emotion sweeps a strong man's shield away …

Spoke to Steven, yesterday, about making plans to be with Mom, next week.  Sadly, his friend, Allen, is still comatose.  Very scary ... Friends and family are rightfully terrified.

Received calls from Barry and Scott, last night
We four made plans to fly to Midwest, after Will is well, next week
Left a message for Steven to call me ...

Life proves a wild ride
Buckle up
Hang on
Live it fully
Weave safety nets, but
Make certain not to tangle one around your spirit
If you and I are as fortunate to celebrate 100 years, like my mom
Then rather than reflecting back with regret
Let's brainstorm until a simple plan offers our spirits time
To lock eyes with loved ones on both sides of the street while
Good health frees our hearts to travel, back and forth …
If not as often as we'd like …
At least now and then …
I mean, seriously—love is not part of life—love is life …
And that's a wrap

923 NGUOUY Part 87 SO FAR SO GOOD …

September 24, 2013
As Dr. B enters our inner sanctum wearing a smile
My spirit lifts
So far so good

Being that Dr. B is more personable than most surgeons I know, it's not surprising when he and his smile make it around the room, shaking hands with everyone while asking how each person is related to Will.  I figure his joviality is a sign that all went well, and as far as he can tell at this time, that's true.  Once Dr. B locks eyes with mine, we all listen, rapt, as he reveals whatever he's come to say:

We ran into no complications.  As to the nerve bundle, which gave us some concern, I was able to work around it as carefully as possible.  Some nerves were in the area where the cancer was most prevalent, so they could not be saved, but that was expected.  Now wait until pathology determines whether the margins are clean (free of cancerous cells). Will is in recovery, and when he begins to awaken from the anesthetic, a nurse will call down, and a volunteer will alert you to come to see him.  I expect Will to go home by 1:00 PM, tomorrow.

With a huge sigh of relief, tension clears from the air, and smiling, all around, everyone thanks Dr. B, at once.

When he leaves our inner sanctum, we engage in lots of smiling and hugging, and after several minutes of conversation, most minds are occupied with cell phones, iPads and lap tops, again.  As I grew up with Methuselah, way before the electronic age, it's amazing to think how portable work has become.

Within an hour, our volunteer knocks at the door, and moving more swiftly than at any time during these past two weeks, I'm up in a flash, eager to accompany her to see Will …

While being led through the maze, which hospital corridors prove to be, I thank our volunteer for taking such good care of us throughout this trying day.  Smiling warmly, she replies:  Your family is a pleasure, and that's not always the case.  You all seem very close.  I respond to her smile with one of my own and reply:  Yes we are, and I give thanks for that, every day ...

Upon reaching the post-op recovery room, she leaves me to approach Will's bed on my own, and though my husband's eyes are closed, my smile appears, reflecting that deep within my core a sense of positively focused hopefulness continues to feel—So far so good …

Wednesday, February 5, 2013
Here's an interesting fact:
It seems that many have lost interest in my detailed account of the weeks leading up to Will's surgery.  I say that, because readership has taken a significant dive over the past week and a half.  Even so, I'm not planning to deviate from this writing path, because right from the start, every post written has poured out of my mind, as though all on it's own, meaning that whatever you see on your screen comes straight from my heart …

Actually, it's been really hard to write (relive) these posts concerning the two weeks before Will's surgery.  Perhaps, that's why so many have been repetitive.  Struggling to break through a mental block, set in stone by subconscious fear, has been the hardest task I've ever demanded of myself—as of yet.  Seriously, the reason any experiential fear is buried behind a stone wall is due to the fact that something too terrifying to remember seems to lie in wait of attacking—again—so working to crack through that mental block in hopes of extracting one detail at a time takes a whale of determination, patience—and courage …

Over the past three months, my mom has been steadily failing—
I feel constantly torn between holding Will close and flying, each month, to her side.  No sooner do I leave her, than I yearn to return—until I witness Will's vulnerability, which he shows to no one but me … today, I learned that Mom has been hospitalized, again—and this time, hospice has been called …

There are times when the mind feels torn and the heart feels heavy with sadness and worry for so many who are so dear; Will here and Mom, a long distance away—and dear friends, who, in recent weeks, have been dealing with trials of their own—whether it be ovarian cancer or a heart attack or preventative stents or terrible custody battles in the aftermath of divorce—Yesterday, Steven called to say that one of his best friends, Allen, is hospitalized in a coma—though Allen was ill for a couple of days, no one has been able to figure out the severity of his body's reaction.

Thank goodness, most of our days are spent having no clue as to how vulnerable we really are.  Perhaps this is why the traditional toast of my heritage is:  L'Chaim—To Life!
  
While at the coast for Barry's birthday, my neice, Stacy and I tried to arrange a time for our families to enjoy, each other.  Stacy and I have always been close.  At two and a half, she was my flower girl.

Unfortunately, the weekend passed without meeting with success.  As Barry's surprise party was a last minute affair, Stacy, and her family were unable to change previous plans.

During the weekend, I was on the go more than usual.  By Sunday, sciatica spiked, and I was down (Have you any idea how hard it is for a passionate spirit to spend life sitting on a couch?), and Stacy's busy family life kept her running here and there.  While coping with elevated pain on Monday, I forgot to call my neice, who was at work.  On Tuesday we flew home, and after texting an apology, I've had to work at easing up on myself for leaving without hugging her hello or good bye.  Why text?  Why not call?  I have this 'thing' about the phone.  And this 'thing', which I don't yet understand, gets worse when my heart feels heavy, because my mind is carrying such a sad load.  When saddness hits hard, it's become my habit to turn in and grow quiet.

Though empathy is a highly valued trait, too much of any trait is not healthy, and ever since my baby sister's sudden death, I've had trouble differentiating between the pain of others and my own.  My habit of tucking pain behind my smile is the primary reason why intuition signaled me to seek professional help, which continues to guide me toward recognizing those times when this pattern, which has been in need of adjustment since I was three, is distorting my sense of clarity, again.  You see, just as with personal habits, mind sets and comfort zones, character traits are hard to change—for the better.

I'm sure you'll agree that there are times when pain, whether physical, emotional or both, interferes with a perfectly sound mind's ability to function in a well balanced fashion, and then, there are times when, one sadness is piled upon so many others that the most enthusiastic spirit's natural enjoyment of life can't help but take a dive down a slippery slope … and at those times, the safety net of compassionate support is needed most of all.

Even so, experience has taught me that during life's most stressful times, we can depend upon the daily support of loved ones for only so long before intuition suggests it's best to set the minds of those who love us free, because it's healthy for each person's path to differ in many ways from our own … and actually, when working to achieve inner peace, I believe it's harder by far to free one's own mind of inner conflict when trying times extend, over long.

Will arrived home from the coast with a sore throat and cold.  In addition to feeling unwell, his second PSA test is coming up.  As for me, I feel the need to stick close to Will, tending to his quiet need of me—rest my leg—and hold my mom close to my heart—all at once.  And though common sense suggests that my body can't be here and there, my heart is doing exactly that … and so is my mind … So, if I ask:  What must one do to create a sense of inner peace when clarity into the vulnerability of the human condition runs as true as true can be, what might you suggest?  Perhaps some would suggest this while others suggest that—in truth, all I can do is offer my love here and there and hope, upon reflection, to be as kind to myself as I'd be to my best friend …

922 NGUOUY Part 86 FINALLY THE SURGEON APPEARS …

Later in the morning, there's a knock at the door
Upon opening it, Will's cousin, Betsy, who
Lives in a neighboring town, is welcomed into our inner sanctum
Soon, someone realizes it's time for lunch
So pairing up, we trek back to the cafeteria, where
Our meals provide us with conversation and laughter, because
For the most part, our choices taste terrible …
For some reason, a salad is not appealing to me, so
With protein in mind, I choose eggs, again—this time hard boiled
Upon returning to our private space, where
The temperature adjustment feels better to one and all
Computers, iPads and cell phones
Occupy everyone's minds except for mine, because, well—
Both sides of my mind have not been able to
Function as one, for weeks—on the other hand
It's true that, surrounded by loving hearts, I feel
Content to sit in that reclining chair and just bide my time until
Somewhere after 1:00PM, we answer another knock at the door—
It's our compassionate volunteer, who explains that surgery will
Last longer than expected, because
Dr. B needs to be meticulous while excising cancerous tissue, which
Is encroaching upon a vital bundle of nerves
As meticulous is good, we wait, patiently … until
About 2PM, when in answer to the next knock
Dr. B is welcomed into our circle, and
With a communal intake of breath, it's obvious that
Everyone feels wired with tension, now that it's time to
Absorb that which Will's surgeon has come to reveal … 

921 NGUOUY Part 85 THOUGH THE DAY OF SURGERY FEELS LONG …

Did I mention that the door to our inner sanctum locks automatically?
This means whoever goes out must knock to come in
At some point, there's a knock while all of us are present
Upon opening the door, we welcome Will's older brother, Jeremy
He's flown in from a neighboring state and plans to stay overnight
Jeremy feels the need to be here and then at home for this reason:
His brother is undergoing surgery for prostate cancer, today
His wife, Marnie, is undergoing surgery for breast cancer on Friday
Jeremy's daughter, who lives in another neighboring state, has been
Experiencing abdominal pain for months with no diagnosis as of yet …
Suggesting, once again—when it rains it pours
Jeremy's presence proves comforting in that
He begins to tell amusing family stories, thus diverting
Our attention for quite some time …
And as hours pass, uneventfully—a good sign on
The day of a serious surgery—
So far so good …

Tuesday, February 4, 2014
Today, Will and I flew home—writing from the desert, again :)

920 NGUOUY Part 84 THE DAY OF SURGERY FEELS LONG …

Dr B arrives, introduces the anesthesiologist, and

After we take turns kissing Will

I linger for a moment to share one more kiss, a smile and

While giving his hand an extra squeeze
My husband is rolled away, so

I catch up with everyone, who'd stopped in the hall to
Ask for directions to the cafeteria, where

Comfort food ... Namely, scrambled eggs, awaits ... And
While the medical staff takes good care of Will
I gaze around the table, feeling grateful for the
Comforting presence of loved ones, who value the importance of
Taking good care of each other during life's most trying times
Upon making our way back to the small waiting room
Barry's phone rings
It's my mom
I ask to speak to her
When Mom hears my voice, she says:
Annie ... I hear you're a mess, then she wishes Will well
After thanking her for wishing Will well, I say:  I love you, Mom
And hand the phone back to Barry
Angie is right next to me and slipping my arm through hers
I soothe my mind by reminding myself that my mother means well …
Then, I remember how frequently Mom says:
Annie, don't feel that way ... As though guiding me to
Switch off any emotion that she'd been taught to consider
Socially unacceptable, and in this way
Do generations of children grow up suppressing emotions
Which are natural to the human condition until, unfortunately 
We learn to feel ashamed when our vulnerabilities are exposed
(You know that saying:  Fake it till you make it ... Well
Here's why I believe that can prove to be a poor choice:
Sometimes we fake what we feel for so long that
Suppression morphs into repression, and
And when emotion is repressed
It's impossible to tell the difference between
That which we truly feel at our core and
That which we think we should feel while personal needs, which
Have been anesthetized, go unmet ... until
Some day in the distant future, we reflect back with regret)
By the time we've settled back into the inner sanctum
It's become so hot that a discussion ensues concerning
Whether or not to reveal our discomfort, because, at first
It had been so cold that we'd asked 'our' volunteer to
Call maintenance, who arrived with a ladder and

Made some kind of adjustment inside a vent in the ceiling …
While our discussion, concerning whether or not to
Reveal what we feel, circles round
The temperature continues to climb until
Everyone feels too uncomfortable to ignore this problem, which
Is becoming worse and worse, so rather than
'Suffering in silence', we decide to make our needs known …
And once again, I express appreciation when
'Our' voluneer meets our request for 'change for the better'
With a gracious sense of compassion
I mean, think about it:
If it's true that nothing stays the same, meaning that
Everything gets better or worse then
Common sense suggests there's nothing to be gained by

Forcing our spirits to 'suffer in silence' while
Following 'social dictate', right?
Thank goodness we have the good sense to
Know *who* our go to person is, because
Once the problematic situation has been
Thoroughly reassessed and
The atmosphere remains consistently rebalanced
We all feel so much better ...
A short while later, someone knocks on our door
We open it to find 'our' volunteer standing on the
Threshold of 'our' inner sanctum, once again and
Everyone returns her smile when 'our' new friend says:
I just received word that surgery is going well ...
At that, a communal sigh of tension is released, and
It's apparent that, deep inside
We've all been on the same emotional ride

This awareness feels so reassuring that
Upon easing back into my reclining chair
I feel myself accepting my vulnerabilities with
A greater degree of balance than before, and
Once again, I surmise—So far so good …

Monday, February 3, 2014—Barry's birthday
I've been writing from coast—
We flew here last Friday to celebrate Barry's birthday
Saturday night, Marie threw him a surprise party
And much to everyone's delight, Barry was shocked!
Fun was had by all—
Gosh!  It felt good to write that!
Thank goodness for fun! :)
Thank goodness for moments when
Problems are placed to one side in favor of
Truly honoring life!

919 NGUOUY Part 83 THE DAY OF SURGERY STARTS WELL …

Will signs in, and when he's taken to pre-op
We're asked to sit in the waiting room, which is quite chilly, until
Someone calls us to his side
Barry, David and I take adjoining seats, and I slip on a sweater

One by one added support arrives …
First Steven, then Angie and some time later, Mark
Will did not want an entourage

So additional friends were asked to wait till

He's home and feels up for company
As Will's surgery is scheduled for four and a half hours
A volunteer, asks, caringly, if we'd like to wait in
A cozier room that's adjacent to this much larger space, where

Even Angie, who keeps her condo

As cold as an igloo, is freezing

Along with expressing my appreciation for her offer

I mention sciatica which

She takes care of, swiftly and compassionately, and
Much to my relief, a reclining chair is brought in
I mean think about it ...
If the pain increases from sitting, uncomfortably, all day …
How will I take care of Will, who after
Today's lengthy surgery, will be
Discharged, tomorrow … unbelievable ...

(Months later, my brows furrow at the fact that
Insurance companies have come to wield so much power over
The state of every patient's wellbeing
Though I'd worried that our elected officials would
Morph into Big Brother

My sights had been focused in the wrong direction, because
That role was usurped by Big Business)

Once we're called to Will's side
Each of us returns his smile with one of our own
Then, when the nurse begins to instruct us as to what to expect
Her eyes focus on Angie's, making it obvious that
She thinks my friend is Will's wife
Since the nurse's mistake offers us a moment of comic relief
Every pair of eyes are twinkling when
She pauses just long enough for me to say:
Excuse me, but I think you're talking to me
At this, the nurse's eyes disengage from Angie's, land on mine, and
Looking confused, she asks:  Are you Will's ... wife?
Smiling warmly, I reply: Yes, and when everyone
Including the nurse, enjoys a good laugh
I think, laughter is the best medicine ...
So far so good … :)

918 NGUOUY Part 82 THE DAY OF WILL'S SURGERY DAWNS ...

Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Our eyes open at 4:30 am and
The first thing we do is share a smile and
Hold each other a little tighter
Will says:  Piece of cake
I nod
So far so good …
As we need to be at the hospital at 5:30
We hold each other for only a moment more before rising
I tell myself:  We've done this before; we can do it again …
We'd both mustered inner strength
On the day of my brain surgery, and
Thank goodness, the same seems to be happening, today
So far so good …
I'm showered, dressed, combed and
My cheeks are blushed in record time …
No sign of feeling faint …
So far so good
I hear Barry and David readying themselves
(Marie had flown home to the coast on Sunday to
Retrieve her boys, who'd spent the weekend with their dad)
When Will backs his car out of our garage at 5:10 AM
We four are seatbelted for the next part of our wild ride ...
So far so good …