830. ASTUTE COUNSELING SAVES SANITY AND MONEY :)

Realistically, the hourly fee of an astute marriage counselor is far less than the retainer and hourly fees of two divorce attorneys.  In addition to that, can one put a price on keeping one's family intact? Or how about calculating the depth of heartache that accompanies divorce?  Or the cost of two homes where there had been one?  And now, having saved best for last, let's try this one on for size:  Twenty years ago, Will and I were unhappy enough to separate ... until reason for love to bloom through the gloom emerged from our depths more clearly than ever before.

And now that I've come to recognize myself as the cock-eyed optimist in our family (and though that role served me well in terms of turning negative cycles around) what do I need to learn in terms of self awareness if I hope to evolve into an optimistic realist at this later stage of life when loss tends to feel so great as to undermine the human spirit's innate strengths?

829. BOTH OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST NEED TO ENHANCE CLARITY INTO OBJECTIVITY …

KNOW THYSELF suggests that the cock-eyed optimist and pessimist need to identify injuries to self esteem, which remain subconsciously unhealed, thus creating pessimistic attitudes in need of change.  You see, pessimistic attitudes, left in an unidentified state, darken our views.  And yes, even optimists develop pessimistic views about certain aspects of life.  Since 'attitude is everything', everyone needs to recognize those times when pessimistic attitudes darken our perceptions, because darkened perceptions thwart us from achieving certain heartfelt goals.

As two people work toward identifying emotional injuries to their self esteem (which, left unhealed, cause fear of abandonment or failure to fester, subconsciously) their injured relationship begins to heal itself.  And here is why that's true:
As each person works at healing injured aspects of self esteem, both minds grow more objective (less defensive).  And as clarity into objectivity is the strength that elevates leadership to greatness, we achieve those heartfelt goals, which insecurity kept beyond reach …

As clarity into objectivity strengthens on both sides, self respect is enhanced, mutual respect deepens, and trust is renewed.  Pour healthy portions of self respect, mutual respect, and trust into a bowl, turn the mixmaster to high and blend a sense of personal safety and well being into your home life that's as tasty as Grandma's recipe for chocolate cake, which everyone in the family gathers to enjoy.  Now, sprinkle some colorful fun on top of your favorite things and create a nourishing party of life, love and laughter where positively focused attitudes feel welcomed to thrive and spirits feel fully alive.  I mean, who in their right mind wouldn't be eager to come home to an emotional environment such as that! :)

PS ... What else do both people need to know if attitudes, concerning conflict resolution, are to change from impossible to probable to resolvable?  (You know how it is … one train of thought leads to another :)

828. WHAT ELSE DO BOTH NEED TO KNOW?

The optimist needs to know when 'his' mind is so exhausted from slamming into defensive walls that a hopeful sense of focus is turning toward pessimism, which proves unhealthy for the human spirit …

The pessimist needs to know why opening 'his' mind to questing toward depths of self awareness seems too scary for his ego to seriously consider …

Both need to know that they'll not see eye to eye until each musters the courage and humility to identify self defeating traits that our egos hide behind defensive walls, thus blinding the conscious portion of our minds to knowing both sides that comprise each person's whole.

Whereas hopelessness weighs the spirit down …
Hopefulness creates a light-hearted sense of one's ability to turn negative cycles around …

A person, who's view of himself and the motivations of others embraces a hopeful sense of balance leads a wholesome life.

Hence … know thyself  :)

Hence … have you got a clue or is your brain still fooling you?  :)

BTW ... try as I might to conjure up synonyms to replace words that pop out of my mind as often as 'subconscious, self awareness, self discovery ' and so forth, those attempts have not yet met with success.  So please bear with me until this lengthy train of thought, which has been pouring out of the depths my mind for weeks, pulls into the station, where, hopefully, insight into yet another layer of self-defeating 'baggage' will expose itself so naturally that my conscious mind will identify, clarify and unload another misperception concerning a negatively focused view that I'd unknowingly adopted about myself during those highly vulnerable years of my youth …

You see, I'm not repetitive because I believe your mindset is in need of change but rather because repetition helps me to clarify self defeating trains of thought, which need to switch tracks deep within my mind.  On the other hand, if these exercises, which iron wrinkles out of my misperceptions of reality, serve to straighten out aspects of life and love that have stymied you, too, then let's pause for a moment to thank my niece and cousin for inspiring me to write this blog :)

PS ... Have I mentioned that my niece (on my side of the family) and cousin (on my husband's side) have never met?  Have I clarified that each expressed different reasons for imploring me to express my thoughts in post after post?

My niece implored me to write for this reason:  I teach family communications, and while raising three children of her own, she hopes to absorb information that I've shared with thousands of parents over the past thirty-six years.  If you ask why she hasn't enrolled in my class, I'd reply:  The mere thought of commuting 1700 miles across the country to attend my class would prove taxing, indeed :)

As to my cousin … well, she writes a blog about creative quilting techniques and much more.  And guess what happened because of that?  A publisher, who'd enjoyed following my cousin's blog, asked her to write a book, which is now in its second or third printing.  As my cousin knows that every article I've written, regarding family communications, has been published by parenting magazines and since she's aware of my penning a memoir, concerning my passion for creating a nurturing environment in which several generations thrive, my cousin never gave up knocking at the wall in my head until I had the good sense to open the optimistic side of my mind and welcome the possiblity of opportunity finding me as naturally as the unexpected had beckoned to her.  Though it's true that no publisher has come calling as of yet, stats suggest that my posts are being read in more than 76 countries.  And here's why that fact offers this communication's instructer a deep sense of personal and professional satisfaction:  My heartfelt purpose for writing my memoir had been centered upon sharing insight into creative trains of thought, which enhance peace of mind, with countless 'friends' throughout the world.  And the fact that I've been achieving that goal via posting strings of insight into self awareness on the internet nourishes the soul of this optimist whose passion for expanding a sense of loving connectedness, world wide, knows no bounds :)

827. THE STRENGTH EVERY GREAT LEADER NEEDS TO HONE ...

Every great leader needs to hone clarity in order to know which trait he leans toward most often ... optimism or pessimism.  You see, the optimist and pessimist need to know who is who for this reason:  If deeper truth suggests that the only constant in life is change then nothing stays the same, meaning it's likely that conflict will develop between allies, who will evolve into adversaries when unmet needs clash head-on, causing power struggles to go on and on ... and on ....

If nothing stays the same, suggesting that everything gets better or worse ... and if everything includes relationships then relationships, which had once thrived will also move through this evolution of change.  And if, during this classic evolution of change, both sides remain blind to hints of change for the worse, clarity gives way to confusion, which, over time, grows so great that two people, wandering through an emotional maze, may ultimately exhaust, because confusion without resolution heightens tension, which is not a healthy state for the human mind. At this point, relationships made in heaven may descend, one infinitesimal step at a time, into such a hellish state as to tear the union of two hearts asunder until coexistence feels impossible to both.

Once a marriage made in heaven evolves into two people's worst nightmare, divorce court seems the only path toward restoring sanity unless something serves as a catalyst that compels the optimist and pessimist to choose the path of self discovery, whereby both grow so self aware as to identify their own defensive reactions, based in unidentified fears or unhealed wounds, which haunt each of us subconsciously.

When two people feel inspired to adventure forth upon the path of self awareness, yesteryear's vulnerabilities transform into fully baked strengths.  With insight into strengths, which had been half baked, defensive attitudes that erupted into anger to the point of craziness, alter, all around.  And yes, my friends, it's true that cock-eyed optimists develop defensive (negatively focused) reactions, over time.  Why?  Because optimists are every bit as human as pessimists.  And at some point in time a cock-eyed optimist will tire of seeking doors, windows or cracks in the pessimist's solid defensive walls—unless the cock-eyed optimist remains blind to his own mental block, which prevents him from recognizing the consistency with which he talks  to deaf ears—more concerning that train of thought later …

As for now, suffice to say that when an optimist and pessimist choose to work through mental blocks, each making gains in objectivity.  With objectivity, misperceptions absorbed during childhood rebalance, and self defeating attitudes change.  As attitudes change for the better, battlefields transform into common ground where depth in understanding clears confusion, thus reducing tension in the air.   Once both minds attach to realistic, positively focused trains of thought, mutual respect expands, love rejeuvenates and both minds embrace a sense of inner peace, which had not been possible until the path toward self discovery deepened each person's sense of self awareness.

And amen to change for the better based in a concept as classic as this:
If change is the only constant in life, suggesting that everything gets better or worse, then the mind that gains insight into self awareness is likely to be rewarded with a greater sense of balance in all things :)
Your friend,
:) Annie

PS … Oh dear—here comes yet another insight that the optimist and pessimist need to know …

826. THE OPTIMIST AND PESSIMIST NEED TO KNOW ...

The optimist and the pessimist need to know who is who.
Why is that true?

When a cock-eyed optimist knocks heads with a pessimist, over long, that's a sign that neither is stopping to consider the failure rate that will ensue as long as both people remain blind to the reality of their own self defeating traits.  If it's true that opposites attract then common sense suggests that it's classic for head on collisions to exist in home after home … unless one personality capitulates with subservience to the other … as in peace at any cost.  Generally, neither recognizes that one has become subservient to the other in terms of whose needs are met.  And here is why that's true, much of the time:  The one who most needs peace at any cost has no clue as to how much conflict is feared.  In short, this fear, which rooted deeply during childhood, is subconscious in nature.

Next it's of value to consider what must result if an optimist grows so weary of talking to the pessimist's defensive walls as to become, over time, as pessimistic, concerning conflict resolution, as the pessimist … I mean if you stop to think about it, no matter how cock-eyed the optimist, common sense suggests that, eventually, emotional unrest is bound to build up … and when internal unrest coils up without release, tension grows so combustible that tempers heat up until one last straw is all that's necessary for anger to boil forth.  Thus, that which may seem to be overreactive may be compared to lighting the match that ignites emotional TNT.  In truth, the cock-eyed optimist, who's seen as overreactive, actually has a very long fuse …

Next imagine consequences, which are likely to result, if two cock-eyed optimists pair up, and both deny reality by throwing caution to the wind, overlong …

Can you see why common sense suggests that no matter how successful you are, right now, every aspect of life, including peace of mind, will improve when more of us recognize the importance of gathering the courage, humility and patience necessary to consciously set our egos to one side in hopes of uncovering injured areas of self esteem, buried so deeply within the subconscious that we can't identify self defeating traits which weaken leadership's greatest strengths?

BTW ... Can you name one strength that every great leader needs to continue to hone?

825 THE PESSIMIST MAY APPEAR OPTIMISTIC UNTIL ...

The pessimist may feel positively focused as long as others remain aligned with his views with such high levels of consistency that the remote possibility of change never enters his mind.  However, if change does take place and if that change arouses defensiveness, the complacent mindset of the pessimist will be blown to kingdom come.

You see, the moment a comrade is seen as an adversary, the pessimist's defensive reaction darkens his view, and since attitude is everything … war is declared.

Once engaged in open warfare, the optimist will work consciously and thus logically toward win-win while the pessimist, blinded by hot-wired, emotional defensiveness battles on toward win-lose.  Why is this true?  Because the attitude (mindset) of the pessimist is subconsciously, thus unknowingly, wired to the concept of  'you're with me or against me, so it's my way or the highway for you'.

And here is why it's important for the optimist to understand the defensive attitude that darkens the pessimist's views:  Opposites attract.  Once two people, who love each other, engage in a power struggle, both will play the crazy game of 'come-here-go-away' until pain on both sides results in such depths of confusion that love and logic lose to anger and craziness.  At this point, both sides end up exhausted in the offices of dueling divorce lawyers.  And guess where divorce lawyers take their clients?  To divorce court.

So, if love and peace are actually what both sides want most then what must the optimist and pessimist come to know?

824 KNOW THYSELF: INSIGHT INTO OPTIMISTIC REALISM

The optimistic realist recognizes the importance of accepting the fact that the pessimist will not change his darkly colored views unless some catalyst causes him to consciously identify the negative bent of his mindset.

On the other hand, the optimistic realist never says never, thus holding on to this hopeful thought:  As long as two people are on this side of the grass, it's wise to keep an open mind to the possibility that change for the better may take place, some day.  Otherwise, the attitude of the optimist will alter to match the negative bent of the pessimist's mindset.

And here is why we say attitude is everything:  Just as a negative attitude darkens the pessimist's perspective, resulting in a sense of hopelessness, a positive attitude lightens the optimist's perspective, renewing a sense of hopefulness that conflict resolution will take place, some day.  :)