22
Though Mom is not accustomed to engaging in conversations, about the ego's persona, she seems interested in hearing much of what I choose to learn. When she asks me to explain what I mean by 'sitting on my ego', we swing for a bit until my mind offers up this reply:
Though Mom is not accustomed to engaging in conversations, about the ego's persona, she seems interested in hearing much of what I choose to learn. When she asks me to explain what I mean by 'sitting on my ego', we swing for a bit until my mind offers up this reply:
*"When someone lets me know, in one way or another, that he or she thinks badly of me for this or that, I sit on my ego in hopes of calming my mind, so my thought processor can listen up and think smart. Rather than allowing my ire to rise and think poorly of someone, who'd just 'put me down', I ask myself if there's a kernel of truth in that person's perception of what I did or didn't do, said or didn't say. If upon consideration, I find a painful truth staring me in the face, I sit on my ego so that rather than flogging myself or dancing around my mistake, I can openly acknowledge and thank the other person for making such an astute observation.
On the other hand, If, after listening up, no kernel of truth pops out at me, I remind myself of how quick we are to judge the little that can be seen on the surface. Knowing that to be true, I cut that person's negative assessment some slack and offer details, which may expand the narrowness of that person's view.
If, as the future unfolds, this person's attitude continues to misperceive my words, actions, motives or traits, the focus of my mind turns toward questioning whether something about this person needs to see me in a negative light. In short, *I look to see where that person may feel insecure with me, because insecurity looks for ways to level the playing field.
On the other hand, If, after listening up, no kernel of truth pops out at me, I remind myself of how quick we are to judge the little that can be seen on the surface. Knowing that to be true, I cut that person's negative assessment some slack and offer details, which may expand the narrowness of that person's view.
If, as the future unfolds, this person's attitude continues to misperceive my words, actions, motives or traits, the focus of my mind turns toward questioning whether something about this person needs to see me in a negative light. In short, *I look to see where that person may feel insecure with me, because insecurity looks for ways to level the playing field.
*As insecurity harbors negative attitudes, and as negative attitudes darken perceptions, it's not unusual to misjudge the little that can be seen on the surface and then leap to conclusions, which seem rational, but in truth defy logic. Actually, Mom, that's why people thrive on gossip ... and gossip magazines.
"So, does ‘sitting on your ego’ stop you from getting mad?”
“Well, at this point let's say—more often than not—but it’s never easy—that’s for sure. Lots of times I do get mad. I mean, it's natural to feel irritated when misperceived, especially when misperception raises its head, again and again. In fact, that's why I find it necessary to work at empowering my line of control to rein in my ego. Otherwise, anxiety would rise, and my mind would find it tough to remain calm enough to think straight on the spot.
It takes practice, patience and self-discipline to monitor and neutralize my emotional reactions, so I don't fling a put down at someone who's just flung one at me. *Instead of engaging in power struggles, I've learned to sit my ego in time out and calm my natural instinct to fight, freeze or flee."
"I've seen you lose it, Annie."
*"Of course, Mom. Holding natural instincts in check is hard work. If too much is going on, all at once, and I don't maintain the clarity to stop my ego from taking control over my brain, then it's hard to see myself in action. *Even so, for the most part, my line of control has been conditioned to remind me to calm down, think smart, pull back on my reins, and invariably, when I do, the results, in terms of resolving conflicts, are worth the effort.”
"How many people think to do that, Annie?"
"All too few. That kind of response isn't natural, Mom. The reason self control must be taught is due to the fact that maintaining a calm state of mind during conflict is in direct opposition of basic instincts. And it's important to accept that practice won't make perfect, because perfection doesn't exist. I don't expect a calm response from anyone, who hasn't worked to develop the habit of training the mind to calm down on the spot and reconsider the validity of both sides while reflecting over the conflict, later"
It takes practice, patience and self-discipline to monitor and neutralize my emotional reactions, so I don't fling a put down at someone who's just flung one at me. *Instead of engaging in power struggles, I've learned to sit my ego in time out and calm my natural instinct to fight, freeze or flee."
"I've seen you lose it, Annie."
*"Of course, Mom. Holding natural instincts in check is hard work. If too much is going on, all at once, and I don't maintain the clarity to stop my ego from taking control over my brain, then it's hard to see myself in action. *Even so, for the most part, my line of control has been conditioned to remind me to calm down, think smart, pull back on my reins, and invariably, when I do, the results, in terms of resolving conflicts, are worth the effort.”
"How many people think to do that, Annie?"
"All too few. That kind of response isn't natural, Mom. The reason self control must be taught is due to the fact that maintaining a calm state of mind during conflict is in direct opposition of basic instincts. And it's important to accept that practice won't make perfect, because perfection doesn't exist. I don't expect a calm response from anyone, who hasn't worked to develop the habit of training the mind to calm down on the spot and reconsider the validity of both sides while reflecting over the conflict, later"
“Don’t you think that people, who search for answers deep inside, look for friends who aren’t afraid to be honest with themselves or each other, as well?”
“Absolutely. In fact, as my perspective, concerning friendship, has had reason to deepen, the people I choose to open myself up to have changed. Believe me, Mom, it’s been difficult for a world-class pleaser, like me, to accept that I can’t please all the people I love, all the time. Sometimes, offers to help fly out of my mouth, which I immediately regret. Quite often, I feel as though my heart is the hub of a wheel with too many spokes. *When I feel the needs of others, pressing in too close, it’s hard to cut myself some slack if my needs conflict with theirs. At those times, my wheel spins, but I get no where, like a gerbil in a cage. When I have to say no, I hurt, as though I'm cutting off one of my own arms or legs. Lately, I’m spending less time with those who ask for too much, and viewing themselves as lily white when I can't meet their needs, they intimate that I'm selfish or heartless. At those times, I have to work really hard to withhold a response, concerning what I think of them. And the tension of repressing anger, zings back and forth through the air. In the past, my need to quell that kind of tension had once made me capitulate and consider only the other person's needs. Now I remind myself to consider whether meeting my needs merits as much consideration as theirs. And it's that adjustment in my thought process, which helps me to stand my ground and hold anxiety in check.
So many people are blind to where their own perceptions are too narrow or blind to recognize those times when the needs of others may be as great, if not greater, than their own. *It’s impossible to remain ‘close’ with those whose perceptions darken your traits, while refusing to see anything of Dorian Gray, reflecting back from their mirrors. *In the absence of humility, in terms of personal shortcomings, thought processing can be more closed minded, and thsu egocentric, than open to honest reassessment, and in lieu of honesty—intimacy wains and conflict resolution fails.”
“When you talk about honesty, are you referring to when people lie?”
“Mmmm—not really. I’m talking about when we lie to ourselves about ourselves. *In an open, honest, trustful relationship, both people admit to times when each may have been less than generous or less than considerate of the other person’s needs. *As human nature has two sides, everyone harbors selfish, jealous, or insecure tendencies, which slip out, from time to time. *It’s tough to be honest about those tendencies when our egos are busy white washing undesirable traits of our own.
*When I talk about placing my ego in a time out chair, so I can embrace humility, here's what I mean: First my mind musters the courage to recognize where my thought process may be at fault. Then I muster the humility to minimize my humiliation. In this way, I can soothe my bruised ego, forgive my imperfections, and maintain my sense of calmness. *As I consciously develop my sense of self awareness, my sense of honesty, patience, and compassion deepen. When two people enter into negotiations without humility, guess what throws us off track?"
"I have no clue."
"*Well, the opposite of humility is—false pride. False pride hides honest emotion, like insecurity, inside. *False pride is another way to describe the ego's persona. As Woody Allen says: 'The heart wants what the heart wants.' *If people push conflicts under the rug for too long, then ultimately, conflicting needs remain unresolved, and self-preservation, on both sides, forces a strained relationship to crack and detach. *In recent years, people are becoming aware of the importance of listening to each other with sensitivity and speaking to the issues at hand with a greater sense of clarity. *Listening and speaking skills can be difficult to develop for this reason: Telling the truth goes against this lesson, which has been drummed into the heads of children, everywhere: ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ *That kind of mixed message messes with our minds. *The more mixed messages a mind absorbs during childhood, the more mixed up our thought processing abilities become while engaging in conflict resolution, as adults.”
"That's a lot to take in, Annie!"
"I know. *As our minds are bombarded with mixed messages, everywhere, clarity (and change) occurs one step at a time."
"I have no clue."
"*Well, the opposite of humility is—false pride. False pride hides honest emotion, like insecurity, inside. *False pride is another way to describe the ego's persona. As Woody Allen says: 'The heart wants what the heart wants.' *If people push conflicts under the rug for too long, then ultimately, conflicting needs remain unresolved, and self-preservation, on both sides, forces a strained relationship to crack and detach. *In recent years, people are becoming aware of the importance of listening to each other with sensitivity and speaking to the issues at hand with a greater sense of clarity. *Listening and speaking skills can be difficult to develop for this reason: Telling the truth goes against this lesson, which has been drummed into the heads of children, everywhere: ‘If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.’ *That kind of mixed message messes with our minds. *The more mixed messages a mind absorbs during childhood, the more mixed up our thought processing abilities become while engaging in conflict resolution, as adults.”
"That's a lot to take in, Annie!"
"I know. *As our minds are bombarded with mixed messages, everywhere, clarity (and change) occurs one step at a time."
“So, how do you separate real pride from 'false pride’?”
*“Well, whereas pride describes a self assured sense of satisfaction, false pride describes insecurity, hiding embarrassment behind a shield. *I think of false pride as my ego’s shield. *False pride marches out with my persona, with which I mask insecurity—from myself—more often than I might think. *The fact that insecurity is hiding behind a shield, creates the tension that zings back and forth through the air. In short, everyone senses the pretense that's there, but rather than mustering the courage to open Pandora's Box, each person's persona 'acts' as though all is well. And, in order to level the playing field, the persona 'views' the other person’s traits as darker or weaker than one's own. As long as the mind believes this pretense (distortion) to be true, guess which part of the brain is in control of our thoughts, words, actions and ability to listen?”
At this point, Mom is quiet, pondering the brain's complexities.
At this point, Mom is quiet, pondering the brain's complexities.
As for me, my mind is tired of processing aloud, so I give my wagging tongue a rest, and muse back to the time when my persona took control of my mind during the weeks, leading up to my brain surgery.
Within a few minutes, I grow aware of the fact that Mom's wheels are still turning, because she asks:
Within a few minutes, I grow aware of the fact that Mom's wheels are still turning, because she asks:
“Annie, I just don’t understand how you sit a defense system in a time out chair.”
Laughingly, I reply “Mom, here’s what I mean. My ego, my defense mechanisms, my persona, my false sense of pride are all rolled into one. When tension arises, during conflict, I maintain my sense of focus by charging the most intelligent side of my brain to hold my ego in check. Since a double dose of tension messes up the free flow of conversations, I work to calm my emotional responses on the spot. Time out is as much a self-calming technique for adults as it is for kids.
If two egos are set loose, a double dose of false pride takes center stage, anxiety rises, and humility is no where to be seen. As anxious egos need taming and mouths need muzzling, and as the only ego I can calm and tame is my own, I take a time-out-on-the-spot in hopes of cutting the tension in half. Then, in hopes of negotiating a win/win, I think of the other person as my teammate, rather than my opponent. In short, the only defense system I can learn to control is my own. Mom, think about Grandma Ella. Her defense system was huge.”
“That’s for sure!”
“That’s for sure!”
“The size of Grandma’s ego made it impossible for her to admit to making any mistakes. As she always had to be 110% right, most of the conflicts in the house had revolved around Grandma’s need to prove any opposing opinion as 110% wrong. If Grandma’s false pride couldn’t admit to making a mistake, then she couldn’t approach anyone, whom she may have hurt or insulted, to say, ‘I’m sorry’, later. Even if every instinct inside Grandma had wanted to apologize, later ... *A mind, which has developed a powerful ego, cannot find the key to open the door where insight into the healing nature of humility, resides. Any humility Grandma may have felt remained imprisoned behind the mask of her persona. Grandma’s persona was like the false front, which hid the vulnerabilities of the Wizard of Oz. *Whereas a true sense of pride suggests self confident steps toward personal growth, false pride wallows in painful denial of any sense of narrow mindedness, wrong doing or personal failure. All sense of blame in terms of causing pain is placed on 'the other guy'. Unfortunately, it's classic for people to make snap judgments, which lead them to take sides. And if the bent of their attitudes remain negatively focused—well—I believe that pinpoints the primary reason why the bonds of a closely knit family can become undone. In the end result—attitude really is everything ...”
