308 WHY DOES LATENT ANXIETY EMERGE DOWN THE ROAD?

So, if this story had been written and saved to a file, years ago, then why must I bolster my spirit with courage before pressing the mouse in order to select-copy-paste-edit a scary part into my blog?

Here's the short answer to that complicated question:
Repressed emotion is like a tattoo, deeply imprinted into our memory banks.

Each time a new situation feels similar in some way to an experience from the past, our instincts have 'reason' to associate today's experience with whatever emotion that memory has aroused.  And as our sense of fear or love or admiration or what have you rises to the surface of conscious awareness, we feel as though whatever has passed is happening, right now.  Thus does instinct catalyze past emotion to grab hold of us, again.  And not knowing that this spell of inexplicable anxiety is associated with repressed, and thus unidentified fears, our minds disengage from what's actually taking place, today.  (This may be one reason why those who fear the unknown 'see' adventure seekers as 'dare devils'.)

Originally, while writing this story, I'd perceived of this experience as my parents' tragedy.  Caring deeply about their grief, my concentration had focused solely on what had happened to them, meaning that my conscious mind had clearly 'failed' to see family tragedy as traumatic for everyone involved.  On the other hand, my subconscious has often sent me signals to examine that which my defense system had suppressed when the confounding nature of such a fearsome trauma overwhelmed me at three.  And story by story, you'll watch inner conflict needle me to relieve myself of this fear, each time latent anxiety has reason to emerge, again...

For example:
Each time my train of thought closes in on the part of a story in which a fear may have been repressed, my anxiety heightens.  Why?  Because ...
Anxiety is an instinct, alerting my conscious mind to a feeling that my subconscious needs to unload.

Today, I work to embrace this signal as suggesting that latent fear, long suppressed, is trying to open its cage and expose itself to my conscious awareness, at last.  If courage is not mustered, the insecure side of my ego figures out how to suppress and ignore that fear, again.

Upon expanding my understanding of anxiety and readiness ...
Insight offers me reason to embrace anxiety as friend rather than foe.


Wakefulness in the dark of night signals me that my mind is carrying too much weight to relax.
Upon making good use of my jar of insights, my train of thought pulls into each station ready to unload more baggage.  And having stoked my energy source, I adventure forth with a lighter heart, mind and spirit than before.

As my mind feels less pressured, less constipated, more relaxed, I sleep like a well-nourished baby, whose filled diaper has been emptied and changed.

If you ask:
What causes a NON-specific fear to manifest, consciously, at last, I'd respond—
During recent years, I've  had reason to examine the long lasting effects of our tragedy on everyone in my family—and everyone includes me.

On the other hand, working to embrace anxiety does not mean I can bowl it over at will.
That's not how the interactive parts of our brains work.  No fast food served, there.
Encouraging both sides of the brain to cooperate in tandem requires the same degree of painstaking work ... as taming sibling tantrums.

If the definition of courage is to face the unknown by walking past one's fear then the fact that you seek me out and witness my process may inspired us both to approach whatever fate has in store for us, next, with a deepening sense of self confidence.

As self confident people do not feel the need to put others down, bonds of mutual respect, necessary to nourish friendship's sense of trust, continue to develop.

Fortunately, I have the inclination (and ample time) to work at exorcizing latent fear.  And my choice to write this blog offers us countless opportunities to observe thoughts, processing through a filter where facts and fear part ways.

So please make no mistake ...
I do not excavate subconscious fear for the heck of it.
Or because I have time to kill.
I work, conscientiously, each day
To unlock an innate sense of freedom
Which had felt as caged as my furry little pet.
And just as I'd once thought to collect crusts of bread
Which had nourished my rebellious little friend
Today, I awaken, eager to collect puzzle pieces
In hopes of reviving slices of self esteem
Which had fallen under a spell, long ago ...
And in hopes
Of nourishing and befriending—oneself
Please join me in embracing
The arousal of latent anxiety
Which may focus our attention
Upon retrieving and developing strengths
That we'd no clue of having lost

Bottom line:

As we come to know the sum of our vulnerabilities and strengths, we step toward the unknown less fearfully.
And ...
What is life if not an adventure through the 'great' unknown?

Once again, Helen Keller's perspective comes to mind:
"Life is perceived as a great adventure or else it is nothing."

Having secured a strong sense of positive focus, thus steadying my mind to dive more deeply into a scary part of my past, that's quite enough to chew on for today.
Hoping to see you soon,
:-)Annie

307 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR part 13

Now that I've mustered the courage to reflect over this stormy time in my family's life,  let's see if a negatively focused mind set emerges, which may have caused me to misperceive some aspect of myself.

Uh, on second thought—let's pause to remember this, first:  Insights, like sunbeams, streak through storm clouds, thus providing us with moments of clarity.  Or you may prefer to imagine insights as light sabers, flashing across a clear blue sky, empowering each mind to rid itself of latent fears, which darken our views and limit flexibility as painfully as walking through life with stones in our shoes.  Either way, insight signifies self empowerment.

As it's healthy to exorcise each dark spot of fear that twists our perspective of a sweet life into a salty pretzel, let's unlock yesterday's fears by embracing the spirit of one-for-all-and-all-for-one.  I mean which would you rather do—hunt for lost keys, all alone, pretty much forever, or buddy up?

Come-on, admit it—how often have you asked yourself:  Where the heck did I toss my keys?  Can't you see that each time you lose sight of your keys, your subconscious is needling you to unlock a significant piece of your memory?  Seriously, what may result if you work to retrieve a whole set of keys, one by one, over time?  You just might unlock a cage into which slices of your self esteem had disappeared when you were too young to see them slip away!  And what, I mean, what could feel more self empowering than redirecting your 'fate'!

Guess what?
Looks like ...
Insights can be seen as sunbeams of clarity.
Insights can be seen as light sabers, empowering us with courage.
Insights can be seen as keys, unlocking caged portions of self esteem.
Insights are worth working toward, n'est pas?

Can you think of a better time than now to identify negatively focused mind sets, which lock your freedom-of-choice inside a cage, guarded by subconscious fear?

Do you have a clue which mind sets stop you from rejoicing over shared blessings with loved ones?

As no person is an island, together, we stand tall and strong; divided by insecurity, we tend to fail and fall down—repeatedly.


Isn't it a relief to know that you need not set out on this quest, all alone?

If common sense suggests that your good health and mine depend upon exorcising latent fears, which twist the sweet life into pretzels, heavy on the salt, then let's dive straight into the deep end of TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR part 13 and see if another fear or negatively focused attitude pops out of my mind, somewhere down the line ...

Right after my parents left to shop, I spun away from our apartment’s solid front door and ran down the length of the hall, sliding my fingers along the wall, like children tend to do.  While zooming past the open doorway of the bedroom that I shared with my Grandma, she walked out and—BOOM—we collided.

Instinctively, Grandma caught me close, so I wouldn’t fall down, and we burst out laughing.  Next thing I knew, Grandma grabbed my hands in hers and danced me down the rest of the hall, through our formal dining room and into our spotless kitchen.  I mean with two women in the apartment and help on Fridays, everything was well organized as well as spotless.  As Grandma was always eager to feed the people she loved, I found myself lifted onto a shiny chrome chair, upholstered in red vinyl, resembling paten leather.
If you glance around the kitchen while Grandma is busy pushing my chair toward the white, enamel, rectangular table, your eye might follow the red, white and black plaid wallpaper into the pantry where an old-fashioned icebox keeps our perishables fresh.

I have a secret under that ice box.  You see, the gerbil that Daddy had surprised me with (to Grandma’s consternation at sharing our abode with a rodent) had disappeared from its cage.  Since my small, furry friend couldn’t have felt very nourished after chewing on the drapes, I’m pretty certain that it has found a safe place to ‘nest’.  You see, after freeing itself of its cage, my gerbil can't starve under the ice box, because that’s where ‘someone’ shoves bits and pieces of sandwich crusts, every day.

Once we're ensconced in the kitchen Grandma asks if I’d like a slice of American cheese, but the lingering aroma of home-baked goods that wafts through the air suggests that cheese is not what I have in mind.  So while peering up at Grandma, looking as angelic as possible, I point hopefully to the pan of home made, mouthwatering ‘milchekah boulkahs’ (sweet rolls) on the counter, next to the braided challah (egg bread), which Grandma withdraws from our oven, every Friday without fail.  Since Grandma can’t resist a compliment offered up to one of her many home-making skills, and since I am an adored grandchild—I got it.

LIFE is lots of fun with my vivacious grandma.  Along with Mommy and Daddy, she takes good care of six-week-old Janet and almost three-year-old me.  After downing some milk and planting a juicy kiss on Grandma’s cheek, I scamper back through the dining room and up our apartment’s long hall.

Upon zooming past our apartment’s front door, I squat down and crawl between two of the eight ornately carved legs, which support the top of a large, black lacquered, gold trimmed, octagonal Chinese table.  It’s my habit to pretend that the tabletop is the roof over my favorite place to play house with my dolls—of which I have many, because Mommy had none.  Or else I glance through picture books, or just lie down, curl up, pop my left thumb into my mouth, wind a dark curl around my finger, and catch a nap.  It’s always my left thumb—no choice about it—because sucking my left thumb is a tough habit to break.  Whenever I’d try my right thumb, something doesn’t feel right.  And once a mind set shapes up, concerning what feels right vs. what feels wrong, the only thumb that seems to fit perfectly into my mouth, thus providing me with a sense of comfort, is the left.

If you stand in front of this octagonal Chinese table you’ll face a wall, which is pretty close to our apartment’s front door.  If you have x-ray vision and stare past the table and through that wall, you’ll see straight into my parent’s bedroom.  As people are not equipped with super powers, let’s walk past the table and stand in the doorway of their bedroom for a spell.

Now, let's peer into the room and crook our heads to the left, so we can see my baby sister’s crib hugging the same wall, separating the bedroom from the table in the front hall.  While I’m curled up, sucking my thumb, under the hexagon Chinese table, that wall is the only thing separating me from Janet’s crib.  About an hour before my mom and dad had left to go shopping, Janet had been fed, burped, and put down to nap ...

—Please—stop reading forward for a moment because I’d like you to re-read that last paragraph.  Next, I’d like you to pause and think—more deeply—about what you've reread.  Now, please tell the truth:  Did your mind draw a picture of me, under the table while Janet naps in her crib?

If so, you imagined a detail that did not exist.  And I set out to set you up for that mistake in judgment in order to highlight this next point as clearly and concisely as possible:             Misperceptions occur for many reasons.   Human nature formulates premature judgments.                                   

If we want to get the facts of a story straight, we're charged with consciously developing the patience to listen attentively and consider whether crucial facts may not yet have been disclosed.  Unfortunately—rather than listening with an open and thus neutral mind, the thought-processing center of a listener’s brain jumps from one function to another:

Our thought processors leap too far ahead and imagine.

Or we formulate closed minded judgments based upon the little that has been said.

Or we associate with what's being said by wandering to thoughts of our own.

Sometimes we get bored and drift into a daydream

Sometimes we feel defensive, which fearfully blocks out common sense.

Sometimes we belittle that which the speaker has sound reason to feel.

All too often, we think in terms of generalities.

When thinking in generalities apples are all too often mistaken for oranges.

Whenever a listener's thought processor switches tracks before a speaker’s train of thought pulls into the station, misperceptions force conversations to climb up hill battles until clarity feels trapped beneath an avalanche of chaotic frustration.  Since many problems with communications are based in the fact that listening skills are skimpy—or intermittently sketchy, at best—let’s put your patience to the test by asking you to 'listen up' with a deeper perspective than before.  In this way, we'll authorize my train of thought to take whatever time it needs to pull into its final destination for today ...

While I am crawling under the table in the front hall, Janet—who had been fed, burped, and put down to nap on her tummy by my mommy—may be found in her buggy on our private back porch, which is adjacent to our formal dining room.
This back porch is a sturdy wooden structure.  Though three sides of the porch are made up of solid wood planks, painted a medium gray, its fourth side is open to the air and fenced in for safety by a series of gray, wooden pickets.  These pickets attach to a wooden railing that stands quite a bit higher than a three-year old child is tall.

If I lean against that picket fence, during the summer,  and peer between the slats, looking down at the ground, three stories below, I see a large rectangular well-groomed lawn that’s neatly framed by several rows of brightly colored flowers.  However, this story takes place late in November, so the lush green of the grass resembles closely cut straw.  As the chill in the air has caused the flowers to wither, the vibrance of the garden is nowhere to be seen.  Did I wonder, as a tot, where all that color had gone?  I mean, a tyke has no clue about the natural order of the life cycle, in terms of four seasons:  budding, blooming, fading, and dying.  As we'll live in this apartment for years before Dad builds his dream house, I remember this for a fact:  Regardless of the season, an unfriendly sign is nailed to a stick, which has been hammered into the middle of the lawn.  And that sign cautions big and small tenants alike to:

KEEP OFF THE GRASS!

At barely three years old, I do not perceive of that sign as symbolizing this fact:  People become accustomed to following rules within the formal structure of a lovely-to-look-at-but-don’t-touch world.  One day, the landlord will sell the building.  Under the new landlord, the sign will disappear and the garden and lawn will be trampled into a dirt playground of sorts for city urchins, such as me.  As my parents are intelligent adults, they are accustomed to the natural order of the life cycle.  They understand that as rules change consequences result—some of which feel good—we had a place to play—some not so good—the hard scrabble of daily play had destroyed the restful beauty of the yard.

As Jennie and Jack take their responsibilities seriously, there’ll be no reason—as they open the outside door and walk across the ground floor foyer of our apartment complex—for either of them to consider the fact that LIFE can change as fast as the spin of a dime.  So, let’s picture my parents carrying grocery bags and gabbing cheerfully, back and forth, as they climb back up three flights of stairs—about two hours after they’d left Janet and me in Grandma's care.

Now picture a key turning in the lock, which opens our front door.  Next, imagine my young mother and father entering the front hall of our apartment.  Imagine them expecting to find both of their children awake.  And alive.

Mom places her purse and a paper grocery bag on the Chinese tabletop in the front hall.  Then, while hanging her coat on a hanger in the guest closet, she spies me curled up under the table.  I’m in the process of sitting up and rubbing my eyes, which are still full of sleep.  Smiling sweetly, my mother approaches the table, while I’m crawling out.  As I stand up, she kneels down on one slim knee and gathers me tenderly into a hug.  Upon rising, she retrieves that over-stuffed, brown paper grocery bag, while Dad is clasping two or three against his chest.  Then, carrying the groceries in her arms, Mom turns and walks through the long hall, past the bedroom where my junior bed snuggles up at the foot of Grandma’s old-world sleigh bed, and as Mom passes through the dining room, she glances out at the back porch just before turning left into kitchen.

As Dad’s arms are full of groceries, he can’t grab me up and swing me high.  So without breaking stride, he tosses a “Hi’ya Dolly” over his shoulder along with a smiling wink, which is always followed by a double click of his tongue.  And as he follows Mom down that long hall, I try to whistle this holiday tune, just like Dad: “Over the river and through the wood …” … but as I’ll not master whistling for quite a while, all I manage to blow out of my mouth is air.  Even so, I’m content with pulling up the rear and chugging along in my parents’ tracks, just like a small caboose.

Upon finding Grandma bustling about the kitchen, my mother says, “Hi Ma, where’s the baby?” When Grandma answers that Janet is still asleep in her buggy on the porch, Mom’s eyes open in surprise, and she questions in disbelief:

 “She’s been asleep all this time?”

—I remember Mom saying that she never forgot how glibly these next words fell out of her mouth—

“You’d better take a look and see if she’s alive.”

306 IDENTIFYING SUBCONSCIOUS MIND SETS LEFT OVER FROM CHILDHOOD

Do you know why it’s hard work to ‘change your mind’?  Because ‘mind sets’ shape up, subconsciously, based in yesteryear's experiences.  When yesterday's mind sets no longer match today's reality, it's not uncommon for misperception to generate negative tension between people whose thoughts had once travelled along the same wave length.

As prolonged states of conflict prove painful, I work to identify fearful attitudes and negative mind sets that depress my energy source—especially when awareness suggests that a new day has dawned, and the sun is shining brightly over those who feel less traumatized and thus, more likely to rejoice than is true of me.  

If, following a devastating loss, it’s our hope to chase black clouds away then we may need to en-courage old mind sets to go through a step-by-step process, whereby irreversible changes are accepted with less grumbling, more grace.  What kinds of changes must we accept?  Any change that proves to be beyond our control.  Changes, beyond our control, may follow in the wake of divorce, incurable illness, or the aging process.  Some of these changes mystify our minds. Take this question concerning change for example:

Why is every living thing born to work hard and strive toward success in many of life’s endeavors—just to die?

Though much about life does not seem just, and much does not seem to make sense—much must be accepted for whatever it is until the learning curve of human understanding moves forward on the time line and darkness lifts as each next insight dawns.  If you ask why it's wise to keep an open mind during any process of change, I'd reply:  

We never know when each next insight will dawn.

So whenever change makes me feel like I've entered a hazy maze, you'll watch me retrace my footprints in hopes of clarifying something that I may have misperceived as a child.  In short, I consciously work to neutralize old mind sets, which may have shaped up during life's darkest times.

Each time a new insight dawns, a piece of that hazy maze, which could not have been fathomed, yesterday, clarifies, today.  And if you ever feel lost in a maze that just won't quit, this insight may help to lessen frustration:

It’s common for mindsets to process through change two steps forward, one  back, day by day.

As one change leads to another, change never stops. If change never stops then it seems wise to identify subconscious mindsets (attitudes), which close my conscious mind to choices that may sweeten life, all around.

As you watch me grow from a child into a adult, you'll come to see the reasons why a common sensical, step-by-step approach to life opened my mind to formulating experimental, problem-solving PLANS over the expanse of many years.  Then, as you watch each step of each PLAN shape up within the creative center of my conscious mind, you'll see me achieve piecemeal success with problems that I've not yet come to wholly understand.  In short ... as long as the subconscious portion of my brain keeps secrets from my conscious awareness ...

I'll remain blind to the secret partnership that exists between my power of intuition and nentak blocks that prove defensive in nature.

As put downs and the blame game play no part in the success of these PLANS (which aim at creating change for the better for everyone involved), any leadership role that I agree to accept will not have been inherited, assumed or usurped.  Why not?  Because the ultimate success of every experimental plan is based in this fact:  Leadership is earned by way of feeling knowledgeable, compassionate and self disciplined—under fire.

As I learn to place my faith in the creative, solution-seeking portion of my brain, my focus will choose to ignore any put down that may be cast my way by those who have no clue that their personal sense of safety depends upon conjuring up put downs that keep The Blame Game alive.

As you watch my vulnerabilities transform into positively focused, purposeful inner strengths, you'll see the spongy side of my mind transform into a trampoline—meaning that I'll develop the ability to bounce up from a shot at my character without diving for cover or shooting back.

In short, I no longer engage in discussions where kettles that boil over call hot pots black.  As you shall see—once I came to understand the subconscious workings of the human brain (which kept my sense of clarity captive within a hazy maze), much of what had confounded my connection to logic began to make sense.  Bottom line ...
As mental clarity continues to develop so does a person's buoyant sense of self confident leadership skills.

To my way of thinking, self-confident leadership skills develop, just like everything else—step by step.  So if you hope to see a positively focused, solution seeker staring out from within your mirror then guess which character trait may be in need of strength training?  Humility, which must be trained to gain more muscle in your brain than ego—for this reason:
Just as with courage, patience, self control, and positive focus ... the  on-going development of humility, concerning personal vulnerabilities, is a personal strength.

If asked, how does one en-courage humility to muscle up and pin ego to the mat, I'd reply:

Choose to walk a path where your powers of reflection expect to identify your own mistakes.  With courage, patience, self control, positive focus and humility intact,  your never give up attitude accepts failures as experiments that blow up in your face until such time as success is realized, at last.

Upon reminding myself that each new experience is an experiment, I accept the fact that success is sometimes mine and sometimes not.  And as my experiments tend to meet with success, much more often than not, my faith in my history rings true. 

Eventually, reflection pinpoints that which makes sense to repeat and that which may be in need of retreat so as to rethink need for change.  And in this way do I neutralize yesterday's frustration by changing those aspects my life, which have caused my spirit to fly at half mast, for too long.

In short, I work, step-by-step, to re-examine any hard boiled mind set that leaves me with egg dripping down my face—repeatedly.

If you wonder why I persist in painting pictures of the inner workings of my mind, my answer would be ...
The human brain is a complex instrument, made up of intricate parts, which at times, interact dysfunctionally.
And having learned that to be true, I offer my brain a tune up, an oil change and a lube job, from time to time, in hopes that (like my car) it will take me where I aim to go.

As you shall see, the ways in which the separate parts of the human brain are organized or disorganized or reorganized, may determine which of our perceptions, choices and decisions are based in reality or denial.  In fact, here’s how this blog is a perfect example of the complex workings of your mind and mine:

Upon sitting down to write, I have no clue which thought will lead to the next.  I just allow whatever pours out of my processor to show up on my screen.  Then I edit.  Again and again.

If we live our lives in that fashion—allowing whatever pops up in our brains to pour out of our mouths—we’ll continue to make decisions, based in reactions, without much reflection concetning yesterday’s mistakes.  And if we march forth without creating a step-by-step approach to reshaping yesterday’s personal disasters then tomorrow’s success stories will never be realized.

As you know, three year olds learn by monkey-see-monkey-do.  Monkey-hear-monkey-say.  Monkey-feel-monkey-react.  Thank goodness, today’s little monkeys are learning to place their egos in time out, so that the presence of humility can grow toward adulthood, making self disciplined choices, more often, tomorrow, than had been true during childhood.

Now, if Big Monkeys choose to adhere to the same self disciplined techniques that they hope little monkeys will mimic then logical plans for transforming family disasters into success stories might pop out of our mouths more often than not.  Self confident leaders do more than teach respect.  Self confident leaders are respectful of those who follow in their footsteps..


At all ages, transforming dark minded 'tantrums' into sunny, cooperative attitudes requires thought provoking work.

And ... btw
Cooperative attitudes are based in positively focused mind sets.

As an adult, raising children of my own, I’d felt personal need to come up with a savings plan.  Not to save money.  We had a savings account for that.  I needed a plan to save my sanity.  After absorbing a gazillion parenting books, a simple, step-by-step plan began to formulate inside my mind.  Not  a12 step plan.  Not a 7 step plan.  But a three step plan.  Why three steps?  Because once we’re about to lose our sanity, it’s impossible for our minds to hold on to more than three simple thoughts.

As you may remember, I began to call the first in this series of simple plans—

THE THREE STEP, PROBLEM SOLVING, SANITY SAVING PLAN.

If you’d like to know more about each of these plans (or anything else about which I choose to write), the comment box is always hungry and waiting to be fed

As for me, I feel the storytelling part of my brain gearing up to tell you more about myself when I was three and tragedy tortured my family, causing confounding questions to pile up inside my head faster than a young, undeveloped processor could think anything, through and   through.  And as misperceived beliefs about myself invaded my sense of inner peace with undeserved guilt, subconscious mindsets, trembling with unprocessed fear, filtered into my conscious thoughts until the on-going development of my self image felt so conflicted that inner conflict caused lots of problems to hatch, like ducklings that did not line up, all in a row …

Once TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR part 13 shows up on your screen, you'll see what takes place when fearful imagination creates emotional static, which filters into the conscious portion of our minds, thus disrupting clarity of thought.  So okay … let’s begin to exorcise some ancient ghosts, which, remaining too hazy to identify, had unknowingly plagued the frightened side of my imaginative mind for most of my life …

305 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR part 12

Have no fear!
The long train of thought, which stoked my processor with courage, has readied 'the little engine that could' to switch tracks and pull into the station where a frightened little monkey face has longed to understand and unload a ton of baggage, which she'd unawarely lugged forward throughout her life.

Upon achieving this uphill climb to push past anxiety and pull into the station, I need a sec to breathe in deep, remove yesterday's blinders, sweep left over static out of my ears, and pour Drano through the clogged pathways of my brain.  In this way I'll wash away the last visages of latent fear, which might block the channels by which a series of fireflies may brighten these dark corners of my mind.

Whew!  With nothing to lose other than another chunk of that brick—here we go ...

Holy smokestacks!  News flash!  Hold the presses!
I have a strong feeling that all of this ghost-busting-brick-vaporizing stuff has actually cooked up an insight that my engine has been chugging toward since I wrote post 263 on Sept. 17th!

You know, which post I mean...  The post targeting our need to rescue ourselves—from ourselves!   The one pinpointing my need to stop reacting like my own worst enemy—unnecessarily.  Wow!  How about that!

Took several weeks to pull into this station, but—hit a bulls eye right off the bat!

Guess this is why:
I value the instinct to trust my process without  knowing where my path is heading, next.
Just need to revisit where I've been—open my mind to absorb that which made a small child feel good or bad—and deepen my understanding as to why changes, I choose for myself, today, expand judgments, which had once been too narrow in scope.In other words—
The path of self awareness deepens my understanding of emotional maturity.

And having expressed today's eye-opening awareness, let's take the little girl securely by the hand and gently guide her toward revisiting the scariest day of her life, so I can more fully absorb that which I'd misperceived at three ...

Back in the car, Thanksgiving is just around the corner.  (Just got chills.  Thanksgiving, 2011 is in exactly two weeks.)  As my parents oversee a jovial, openly affectionate family, Jennie and Jack are aware of how much they have to be thankful for while preparing for the holiday season ahead.  As Jack reminisces about being an immigrant lad, whose family of five had once called the storage room behind his parents' deli—home, Jennie, who’d never owned a doll to cradle in her arms, has not forgotten that dining room day bed, which had offered a budding, young woman no privacy from her mother, father, and four, rambunctious brothers.  In addition to enjoying each other, their two little daughters, both extended families, a wide assortment of friends, and good health, Jennie and Jack share a deep appreciation for their hard won economic security.  So while driving along the street, this healthy young couple’s future shines bright.  In fact, upon reaching the shopping district and parking their shiny, black sedan, they feel so far ahead of personal misfortune that no ominous instinct arises to warn the young (and thus, naïve) couple that FATE will electrify their emotional security in a darkly unpredictable way before nightfall.  

As for me, upon awakening on that same November morning in 1946, I, too, had enjoyed the start of an ‘ordinary’ day.  And if, when day turns to night, I sleep fitfully, there’ll be no way for a child—two weeks shy of three—to have a clue as to how—changing circumstances—will alter the ‘natural’ course of my development from that day to this.
At this tender age, I'll not begin to surmise how deeply my reactions and decisions will be based in the domino effect that destiny has in store for my family when tragedy strikes within seconds after my parents, laden with groceries, return.  And as everyone's sense of security is about to be rocked to the core, it's easy to see why none will fathom the depth—and far reaching effects—of tragedy upon everything that I'll misunderstand.  (Dare I mention that before writing this post, today, a new batch of fireflies swarmed into post 304?  Though I tried to stop them from flitting around inside my mind, common sense suggested that I welcome them in.  Also, in case you'd like to check it out, I found reason to simplify post 303—again.  Conveying one's thoughts with clarity depends upon thoughtful editing.)

304. CAN'T HELP IT...

Just wanted to give you this heads up:  While editing post 303, changes were made and insights added.

Oh—by the way, so-far-so-good about vaporizing that brick.
Feels great to know that I can redirect my mind set by conscious choice!

So, if I've gained the ability to change this mind set, seemingly over night, then what blocks me from vaporizing other mind sets that disrupt my peace of mind?  There was nothing 'over night' about this change!

Mind sets are often subconscious in nature, so those, which undermine my sense of peace, can't make the shift from negatively focused to positively hopeful until they've been consciously identified.  When left unidentified:
 Subconscious mind sets, like braided channels, twist the paths of our thoughts through emotion, which limits growth.

Therefore—each morning, I remind myself to remember the variety of inner strengths that I've worked to develop in readiness for times when unsettling energy fields swirl in, unexpectedly, again.  In this way, if hot winds blow in and whip into gales, my footings will be grounded in pillars of strength, which steady my mind.

I guess you could say that upon directing the path of my thoughts upon awakening, I'm practicing positive focus.  Why practice?  Well, as Malcolm Gladwell, author of THE TIPPING POINT says:  "Practice isn't the thing you do once you're good.  It's the thing you do that makes you good."  For example,  players, drafted into the NFL, do not stop practicing after making the team.

So when a conflict remains unresolved, I clear my channel of thought by resetting my compass to focus upon a positively focused, solution seeking track.

As to why I feel the need to make a conscious effort to refocus, I'll remind you that two sides of human nature exist within us all.  At times when we slide from self confidence toward insecurity, our thoughts swing from bright to dark.  Since swinging back and forth can dizzy the mind, our connection to common sense may spin off track!  Thus it seems wise to spend a moment, each morning, reflecting over the sum of the strengths, which I've consciously absorbed, leaving less space for that brick to lay heavy in my head ... until I awaken to find that yesterday's brick has been 'witted' away.

Reflection suggests that my sense of security had been based in being a straight arrow.  This means my thought processor had absorbed too many shoulds' for my own good.  Upon steadying my sense of clarity in terms of the adult I've grown to be, a slew of deeply imprinted 'shoulds' lose their power to haunt me—subconsciously.

At this point in my development, subconscious weight is vaporized within that moment of recalling my history, in which life's issues have been resolved, patiently and peacefully, one by one.  And thus, rather than recalling each strength, common sense suggests that all I need to do is ask:  Seriously—how 'bad' can my history be?  And guess what happens next?  That single moment of crystal clear clarity dissolves the brick.  And I feel free to embrace the thought of transforming today's vulnerabilities into tomorrow's strengths!

As it's likely that the heavy weight of that brick has been made up of countless 'shoulds', which had layered up, year after year, the degree to which I'd felt good, upon awakening, depended upon complying with that mountain of 'shoulds'.  In short, much of my smile depended upon producing smiles from others.

A mountain of 'shoulds' creates lots of inner conflict, not much freedom of choice.

Each time I think to vaporize this brick of 'shoulds',  my conscious mind feels empowered to soothe my ego's insecurities.  Upon vaporizing that brick, I reduce inner conflict and minimize undeserved guilt.

* Each time insecurity  disappears into a poof of dust, my mind can work as a whole.

This new mind set empowers my spirit to begin each day connected more deeply to clarity in terms of common sense, self respect, freedom of choice,  inner peace and my own source of positive energy.

Once TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR part 12 unfolds, you'll come to understand why this engineer had need to practice this pulverizing routine before a long train of thought could stoke my engine with enough positively focused fuel to chug uphill and pull into the station where a little girl, in need of help, awaits our tardy arrival.

*As you can see, this trick of vaporizing-the brick does not work just because I say so.  I've been channeling my mind toward positive focus for years.  What's changed, recently, is the fact that at the start of each day, I consciously guide my thoughts toward strengths, which I've worked to amass.

If subconscious issues find strange ways to filter through our dreams and into our stream of consciousness then common sense suggests soothing my mind of unresolved issues upon awakening.  In this way do I strengthen my connection to common sense, clarity and inner peace, every day.

I mean how can practicing something as positive as that be anything but good when life insists upon tossing one issue or after another into the air?  In this way, I don't start juggling until I'm fully awake!  Think about it:  how hard is it to juggle lying down?

Nothing new about the focus of my attitude—or my corny sense of humor.  I've been practicing positive focus ever since Rudolf Dreikur's CHILDREN THE CHALLENGE became my bible when my kids were tots.  And though practice doesn't make perfect, I understand the ways in which mind sets and positive attitudes relate to personal growth.  As to my corny sense of humor?  I've often surprised myself by injecting unexpected jolts of humor into consequences, thus lightening heavy moments up.

In short, my sense of peace is not derived from pointing out the mistakes of others but rather from coming to understand my own.

And if it's true that wisdom comes with age then perhaps you'll consider this addendum, which makes sense to me:

Wisdom doth not come from tucking years of experience into our minds but rather from piecing together a series of shocks until lots-of-nonsense converges into a bigger picture, thus transforming confusion into common sense—or should I say uncommon sense for this reason:

Our minds seem to channel common sense while discussing the disgruntled reactions of others.  Then we 'lose it' as soon as the discussion flips to concerns of our own.    In short, how long will we remain blind to the contradictions, which co-exist, side by side, inside our minds?  How long must we remain deaf to how often and quickly we switch tracks?

Hey!  Remember those 5 pounds, which grew to be ten and then twelve?   Have I mentioned that nine are gone?  Not vaporized.  Lost.  By consciously redirecting my mind toward self controlled changes in diet. I managed to lose those pounds, over six weeks, without increasing my exercise routine or starving myself.  What to know how?  Just ask.  Comment box always hungry to be fed ...

Before I say so long for today, imagine this:

Imagine feeling empowered to awaken and vaporize a heavy weight, every day
Imagine a refreshing shower and freshened breath
Imagine the relaxing chant of a yoga CD in the background
Imagine engaging in limbering stretches on a mat on the floor.
Imagine getting dressed without feeling like a sausage encased in my jeans.
Imagine opening the drapes and greeting the sun with a small, peaceful smile.
Imagine my mom's suggestion to me, decades ago:
 Imagine her suggesting that I awaken 40 minutes before the house starts stirring
Imagine me having the good sense to heed her lead
Imagine me encouraging my kids to get up and get going
Imagine no need for hurried anxiety to fling negative energy from one to the other
Imagine us calm and organized, leaving the house—they to school—me to teach
Imagine this to be true for me and mine, because of FIVE TOOLS!
Imagine FIVE TOOLS working its 'magic' for you and yours
Imagine me sitting down with a protein shake and newspaper, this morning
Imagine me reflecting over past successes and hopeful possibilities
Imagine me reflecting back to the age of three ...
Imagine me directing my destiny to become my history
Imagine the strength of my motivation to remain tuned into this channel—
Imagine nine down, three to go—piece of cake.  Chocolate.  Just not quite yet.
Imagine yourself wondering what age I'll choose to be when you see me next
Imagine me wondering where my mind will choose take us, tomorrow ...
Imagine the positive side of imagination, because human nature has two sides ...
Imagine both sides of our minds vying for control
Imagine acquired strengths at work, overcoming subconscious fear of the unknown
Imagine this kind of work as being good for the body, spirit, mind, soul ...
J Imagine relationships in the process of healing
Imagine all's well that ends well—somewhere down the road
Imagine positive focus buddying up with reality
Imagine creating an honest sense of inner peace
Imagine John Lennon thinking, writing, painting, strumming, singing—
Imagine change for the better …
Imagine making it happen …
Now, stop imagining and get to work!

303 TRACKING THE BRAIDED PATH WHERE PROBLEMS COMPOUND

We live our lives connected, in part to reality and in part to an imagined reality.
Why?

At times, reality scares a person's sense of safety past the point of clarity.
Why?
Strong emotion causes the logical pathways of the brain to flood with sparks of static, so clarity blurs.

As a protective measure against the possibility of impending danger, Mother Nature signals the defense system to flip the switch of common sense to OFF, thus allowing our fight, flee, freeze instinct to direct our brains. (It may be helpful to note that the law of attraction creates strong emotion, which filters into lFogic, so we feel 'love crazy' until our wild and 'crazy' pheromones settle down.  As the honeymoon stage winds down, reality filters into our 'lovesick' state, and we may feel shocked as serious conflicts arise.  The fact that opposites attract until they repel suggests the need to press pause on our panic buttons and consider this fact:  Every relationship evolves through natural stages of development, leading to change—on both sides.   In fact, I've come to see conflict as Nature's way to exercise our brains' potential for personal growth in the 'discipline' of emotional intelligence.)

Upon learning to embrace lessons in self awareness, we ready the conscious side of our minds to identify our character traits in need of maturing.  Later on, I can show you how THE FIVE TOOLS guided me toward placing my panic (anger) button in time out in order to role model respectful, and thus calm, patient and peaceable, methods of conflict resolution for my children.  Hmmm—I guess you could say that inner strengths, like patience and mindfulness, weave together to form a logical braid of self control.)

If for some reason, our panic buttons get stuck in the alarmed position and we can't shake free from an impending sense of danger then our instinct to fight, flee, freeze swallows common sense whole. When panic buttons activate simultaneously, on both sides, opposites may react more alike than we'd think.

As long as both people remain stuck in this state of subconscious panic (where sparks of strong emotion energize both minds), the dark sides of our imaginations dominate the pathways of our minds.  And if this state of darkness lasts for too long then the relationship's a 'gonner'.

On the other hand, if one person gains insight into darkened misperceptions, which energize the maze while the other's defensive state stonewalls every attempt to dive in deep, a relationship, which had once felt close will develop distance, over time.  And onceThe Blame Game picks up steam, people who love each other actually grow apart.

As long as fearsome egos stand guard over defensive walls, logic is tuned out, and we become victims of fear.  As every victim needs a villain to blame for unremitting pain, all who try to reason with a closed mind will be stonewalled. And whomsoever is most verbally direct will be deemed vilified over all.

And that, my friends, is why patience, tolerance, compassion, humility, and courage must be mustered if OUR brains hope to connect with common sense without severing all ties to those you love, who remain in the dark as to why deeply valued relationships fall into desperate straits and can't get up.

(Long train of thought ... in need of a break?)

If, we wander, too long, in the maze and our spirits wear out, desperation becomes more contagious than we know. (More about that later.)

With the passage of time, it proves hard for a person, who is supportive, but exhausted, to accept the role of villain, calmly, graciously and SECURELY, while condemnation continues to storm in.

In truth, a sense of rising resentment can sicken the staunchest spirit, over time.  And in order that words do not fly out of my mouth, causing me to eat crow, this layman has chosen to study surprising contradictions, which shape up within the human brain.  For example:

As subconscious fear shifts the dark side of our imaginations into high gear, an insecure ego is freed to reshape any memory too harsh for that person to bear.

Unfortunately, shifts toward egocentric perception may persist until we choose to develop inner strengths (such as patience, humility, courage, self respect) necessary to confront whatever scares our wits straight out of our minds.

As long as a panicked ego casts dark shadows over common sense, negative attitudes will instruct the the imagination's dark side to conjure up a wide variety of magic tricks, concerning this scary slice of life.  And in lieu of insight, dark MIND SETS shape up.

In order for these mind sets to remain water tight, the insecure ego patches up any holes that might allow disavowed memories to seep back in, while recalling only those memories, which back up today's revised view of what had taken place in the past.

Ultimately, in order to solidify this mind set, any memory that might defy the ego's fearsome stance will be sent to the dark side of the imagination, which is instructed to reconstruct it.  And thus, by way of selective memory, reconstructive history and comparing apples to oranges, an insecure ego frees itself of all accountability, repeatedly.

As you can see, the sub-conscious portion of the human brain a tricky little devil!

So if you think you know what shenanigans are taking place behind YOUR wall of denial, you might want to muster the humility and courage to place your ego in time out and re-investigate the most confounding aspects of your life. In this way you, too, may discover where the connection between your thought processor and common sense may have failed. You see, rather than smashing into defensive walls, or flashing straight through one ear and out the other, the bright light of insight must penetrate the dark side of your mind.  In short, insight must be held onto, like fireflies caught in a jar ...

If you'd like to know what propels me to write about the brain in detail, perhaps this is my way to re-channel old tapes that filter into my dreams, whispering should—should—should, while I'm asleep.  Perhaps I need to write my thoughts 'aloud' until RR&R chases those dreams right out of my mind.  (Repetition is not redundant when the goal is retention.)

Perhaps I'm in the process of brainwashing out that which had been brainwashed in.

Each time subconscious insecurity controls the pathways of my thoughts, common sense has trouble penetrating my defensive layers.  Once defensive layers compound, it's really hard to clear my head. In short, once unleashed, the the dark side of my imagination runs away with the show—until I think to rein it in.

Having spent too many years in denial of truths that my heart refused to accept, I began to devour every self help book that fed my curiosity, concerning mind games that people don't know they play.

Today,  I can get off an emotional teeter-totter, with less frustration than ever before, when another person's need for sainthood 'puts me down'.

(Need a break?)

So, how did I come to acquire a layman's library of knowledge?  Long story short:  during desperate times, the teacher in me instructs the student in me to do research concerning how best to sweep ghosts out of my subconscious closets.

In order to identify subconscious ghosts, my conscious mind has learned to ask for help.  As each ghost is swept into sight, I understand what drove my need to run up stairs in a building that was clearly burning down to the ground in hopes of saving others too frightened to save themselves.

Thank goodness, I'm a woman, a multi-tasker, who, while running up those stairs continued to read about opening windows in my mind in order to be on the look out for insights, which might blow hot winded smoke out of the channels of my brain.  With time, I developed the clarity to differentiate between people whose growth had become as stuck in the 'shoulds' as mine and those who'd stopped spinning their wheels—and hard as it was to change—sanity encouraged to join up with the latter.

As it seemed wise to cool my heels, grow pensive, and place my faith in those whose strengths had had ample space to develop,  my ego took that flying leap out of the tower and landed safely in that net, grounded, not just by love, but by love, logic and mutual support, intertwined.  Need I say that these qualities create a braid of clarity, which is quite different from a braid, comprised of mass confusion ...

I wonder if you've read:   Who Moved My Cheese? |An Amazing Way to Deal with Change in Your Work and in Your Life.  In addition to being inspirational and witty, this #1 book, written by Dr. Spencer Johnson, is a really quick read. 

Sigh!  You can believe me when I say that puzzling through what's real-ly real and what imagination imagines to be real is far from easy!  In truth, I've needed lots of help to clear confusion from my head.  On the other hand, my decision to disconnect from La-La Land during desperate times in favor of detecting truths, which I had been afraid to see, served as a lifeline for me.

You see, once the mind unknowingly takes refuge in The Land of La-La, we walk the path where problems compound.
Why?
Most of us don't have time to ponder over life on Walden Pond.  Hey!  Perhaps that's one reason why wisdom comes with age!  On the other hand, wisdom is ours for the taking at any age for this reason:

Wisdom lies in the ability to listen to the thoughts of those who have the time to learn and the desire to explain domino effects, which ensue when one unresolved problem plants the seeds of the next until offspring, named Confusion and Confounding grow up to be Mayhem and Bedlam.

Once Mayhem and Bedlam start flinging non-sense around, one way to think oneself sane is to believe that everyone else is crazy—or uncaring of our needs. And thus does this victimized cycle of negatively focused energy spin the truth, round and round, until, finally, someone stops the-not-so-merry-go-round and gets off.

As this victimized state of mind is true of us all to one extent or another, I decided to track the first terror that I could still FEEL in hopes of understanding insecurities that shaped into acquired mind sets and character traits to which I'd been blind.  And the reason my story began during my preteens is due to this fact: I can feel suppressed anxiety emerge when I think of being squished between the hips of two bullies on those bus rides from hell to the house of God.  So though that story was not easy to revive, it poured out of the conscious portion of my mind pretty much intact.  In short, there was little reason for my mind to clog with confusion while relating anxious feelings of rejection.

On the other hand, an earlier terror had silenced my voice before that busload of bullies real-ly battered my ego to a pulp.  And though I know what caused that terror I can't feel its sting. The fact that so much about this earlier experience remains repressed gives me reason to believe that that was the defining point in my life when my mind felt so terror struck that La La Land served as my place of refuge from overwhelming fear, confusion, and pain.  Makes sense to believe that once I'd weaved inexperience and insecurity into negatively focused attitudes, dark mind sets shaped up, causing my imagination to channel conscious thoughts into a darkly colored subconscious braid.  Seriously complex, right?  Especially since ...
The most crucial years of personality development occur between birth and five.

And so, in hopes of securing my smile to self respecting strengths at my core—I choose to penetrate my layers of denial in hopes of achieving the clarity and simplicity of mind, which has been buried beneath the baggage that I've accumulated and lugged forward since my three year old mind split away from a terror too scary for a child to comprehend much less absorb.  Whew!

(Though I'm still on a roll, are you in need of a break?)

I hope you real-ize that none of my posts are meant to be flashes of 'breaking news' in terms of the world of psychology.

I write because of  my need to reconsider my library of knowledge in such an organized fashion as to help me to grow less self protective, more insightful, every day.

In short, I hope to see where my fear of reality may be messing with my mind's sense of clarity, today.

Interestingly, once my career as a public speaker began to wind down, my thoughts, which had been air born, for decades, began to pop out on my screen.  In truth, I work at honing my craft for more hours, each day presently, than ever before!  And my family is thankful that the teacher in me channels so many words into my blog, because they laugh at my storehouse of thoughts, pouring into their ears until their heads explode.

Holy smokes!  It just occurred to me that reshaping mistaken mind sets may be less arduous than I'd thought.

Perhaps our minds do not need more than a hair of common sense to examine one puzzle piece at a time.

If that's true then a mind set, which had kinked up during a time of terror may straighten itself out and clarify, one piece at a time.  I mean, isn't that exactly what I've been working to accomplish in this blog!

As each piece of clarity emerges and falls into its rightful place, I gain insight into bigger pictures.

Once I understand that which had confused me in the past, my fears decrease and comfort zones expand.
 (I remember when the mere thought of learning how to surf the web made me cower inside.)

I no longer stretch beyond the point of exhaustion to ease a loved one's pain.
I've developed the common sense to step back, rest my mind, and muster the hope, patience, compassion and tolerance to accept this as fact:

Each person must tunnel toward the root of whatever is causing that person's spirit to fly at half mast.

As it's become obvious that my creative efforts cannot resolve a loved one's subconscious fears, I ask myself questions like this one:  How long have I been blind to my subconscious need to feel indispensable?

I mean it's not been easy to face this reality:
People are replaceable.
One generation gives way to the next.
As people are replaceable
I aim to live my life
Attached to clarity
That's traceable
And thus, 'uneraseable'.
In short, being replaced
Doth not equate with being forgotten
The mind must control the ego
If the thought processor is to rest
We can't have our cake and eat it, too
Want more cake?
Then logic needs to bake it.
And logic needs clarity
Got the picture?

(Break?)


If clarity brightens a black and blue mind set then it makes sense to see where our scopes may have been too narrow.

It's wise to detect what wrecks our relationships.
What's causes some heartfelt goals to succeed while others fold.
Each time I remember to shift an old mind set
My spirit stops knocking against solid walls
I mean wouldn't it feel great
To stop your mind
From running in circles
Until every mind in sight
Is so dizzy that we all fall down ...

Wisdom equates with identifying, accepting and acknowledging my rightful portion of accountability in terms of riches lost vs. riches earned—not to be confused with dollar signs.

Hmmm—I just realized that ...

Integrity is based in the health of the ego ...

Honestly, how sad is it to watch a loved one moving from one stage of life to the next feeling victimized by a sense of loss, when in truth a dark mind set fails to appreciate the riches that defensiveness pushes away, time and again ... 

Unfortunately, when one's spirit wearies enough to pass the baton, others may feel abandoned.

Why?

Defensive walls makes it tough to see classic truths staring straight at oneself.


As I'm going to a movie, pretty soon, here's my last thought for today:

Two minds must work at piecing together a puzzle of their own making before a wounded relationship can heal by weaving lasting trust throughout its braid.

Once I've chewed on this post for a bit, I hope to be three the next time I pop up on your screen.

On the other hand—readiness, attitude, and timing are everything (another braid?)—so only the shadow mind knows which train of thought may feel the need to pop out, next.

As for now I'll sleep through the movie if I don't take a quick nap!

302 THE POWER OF SUGGESTION ...

Feelings
Pop out of the mind
One at a time
Just like words
That line up
To create
One thought or another.

So
If you'd like a troubling feeling
To be fleeting
Then let's consider
How a series of words
Shapes up into a series of thoughts
That create a choice between one mind set and another:

Today
I
Awoke
And
Consciously
Chose
To Lift
That
Brick
Off ...
Er ...
I
Mean ...
Consciously
Chose to
Vaporize
That
Brick
Inside
My
Head.
After
All ...
Why
Not
Choose
To
Lighten
My
Conscious
Mind
Until
My
Subconscious
Feels
Ready
To
Unload
That
Troubling
Memory
From
Wherever
It's
Been
Hiding
For
Years?
In short ...
Don't
Worry ...
Prematurely ...
Feel
Happy
Instead!
Though
There
Are
Many
Ways
To
Retrieve
A
Lost
Sense
of
Inner
Peace ...
'Nough
Said
For
Right
Now!
J