Here's the short answer to that complicated question:
Repressed emotion is like a tattoo, deeply imprinted into our memory banks.
Each time a new situation feels similar in some way to an experience from the past, our instincts have 'reason' to associate today's experience with whatever emotion that memory has aroused. And as our sense of fear or love or admiration or what have you rises to the surface of conscious awareness, we feel as though whatever has passed is happening, right now. Thus does instinct catalyze past emotion to grab hold of us, again. And not knowing that this spell of inexplicable anxiety is associated with repressed, and thus unidentified fears, our minds disengage from what's actually taking place, today. (This may be one reason why those who fear the unknown 'see' adventure seekers as 'dare devils'.)
Originally, while writing this story, I'd perceived of this experience as my parents' tragedy. Caring deeply about their grief, my concentration had focused solely on what had happened to them, meaning that my conscious mind had clearly 'failed' to see family tragedy as traumatic for everyone involved. On the other hand, my subconscious has often sent me signals to examine that which my defense system had suppressed when the confounding nature of such a fearsome trauma overwhelmed me at three. And story by story, you'll watch inner conflict needle me to relieve myself of this fear, each time latent anxiety has reason to emerge, again...
For example:
Each time my train of thought closes in on the part of a story in which a fear may have been repressed, my anxiety heightens. Why? Because ...
Anxiety is an instinct, alerting my conscious mind to a feeling that my subconscious needs to unload.
Today, I work to embrace this signal as suggesting that latent fear, long suppressed, is trying to open its cage and expose itself to my conscious awareness, at last. If courage is not mustered, the insecure side of my ego figures out how to suppress and ignore that fear, again.
Upon expanding my understanding of anxiety and readiness ...
Insight offers me reason to embrace anxiety as friend rather than foe.
Wakefulness in the dark of night signals me that my mind is carrying too much weight to relax.
Upon making good use of my jar of insights, my train of thought pulls into each station ready to unload more baggage. And having stoked my energy source, I adventure forth with a lighter heart, mind and spirit than before.
As my mind feels less pressured, less constipated, more relaxed, I sleep like a well-nourished baby, whose filled diaper has been emptied and changed.
If you ask:
What causes a NON-specific fear to manifest, consciously, at last, I'd respond—
During recent years, I've had reason to examine the long lasting effects of our tragedy on everyone in my family—and everyone includes me.
On the other hand, working to embrace anxiety does not mean I can bowl it over at will.
That's not how the interactive parts of our brains work. No fast food served, there.
Encouraging both sides of the brain to cooperate in tandem requires the same degree of painstaking work ... as taming sibling tantrums.
If the definition of courage is to face the unknown by walking past one's fear then the fact that you seek me out and witness my process may inspired us both to approach whatever fate has in store for us, next, with a deepening sense of self confidence.
As self confident people do not feel the need to put others down, bonds of mutual respect, necessary to nourish friendship's sense of trust, continue to develop.
Fortunately, I have the inclination (and ample time) to work at exorcizing latent fear. And my choice to write this blog offers us countless opportunities to observe thoughts, processing through a filter where facts and fear part ways.
So please make no mistake ...
I do not excavate subconscious fear for the heck of it.
Or because I have time to kill.
I work, conscientiously, each day
To unlock an innate sense of freedom
Which had felt as caged as my furry little pet.
And just as I'd once thought to collect crusts of bread
Which had nourished my rebellious little friend
Today, I awaken, eager to collect puzzle pieces
In hopes of reviving slices of self esteem
Which had fallen under a spell, long ago ...
And in hopes
Of nourishing and befriending—oneself
Please join me in embracing
The arousal of latent anxiety
Which may focus our attention
Upon retrieving and developing strengths
That we'd no clue of having lost
Bottom line:
As we come to know the sum of our vulnerabilities and strengths, we step toward the unknown less fearfully.
And ...
What is life if not an adventure through the 'great' unknown?
Once again, Helen Keller's perspective comes to mind:
"Life is perceived as a great adventure or else it is nothing."
Having secured a strong sense of positive focus, thus steadying my mind to dive more deeply into a scary part of my past, that's quite enough to chew on for today.
Hoping to see you soon,
:-)Annie
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