AND WE WAIT …

My most recent PET scan was last Friday

My chest CT was yesterday

My doctors’ appointments (oncologist and chest surgeon) are tomorrow

And so dear friends, while awaiting test results, let’s hope for the best …

Annie

AND YET ANOTHER MYSTERY IS SOLVED!

 Oh my gosh!  Though I’ve not gained so much as a pound, it’s no wonder why my face has become so round as to have lost its definition!  This change has puzzled me for months …

E

Below is a description of one of my medications—

“Breo Ellipta inhalation powder contains a combination of fluticasone and vilanterol. Fluticasone is a steroid that prevents the release of substances in the body that cause inflammation. Vilanterol is a bronchodilator that works by relaxing muscles in the airways to improve breathing.”

Cowabunga!  I’ve been ingesting my Brio inhaler, daily, for close to two years!  The fact that this medication is composed of a steroid compound has never occurred to me until, yesterday, when I was engaged in conversation with a friend, who like many others, suggested that my face was as round as an apple.  As I get along with a little help from my friends (and family) I tune in whenever their questions and personal perceptions come my way—

Yesterday, my friend asked—Annie, have you been prescribed steroids?

Not since the last time I was on chemo, which was a year and a half ago.

Then, something clicked, and my inhaler came to mind.  Upon researching Brio on the internet—I released a sigh of relief as months of my apple-cheeked mystery had been solved!  Rather than swallowing steroids prescribed to minimize inflammation, I’ve been inhaling them.

 🙋🏻‍♀️🤓Super Sleuth Apple-faced Annie

A HEARTFELT PERSPECTIVE

My spirit’s in much better shape, today, than was true on Monday.  On Tuesday, Will and I talked about how overwhelmed we’d felt (for different reasons) upon arriving home from the coast, and I think airing our individual concerns with each other offered us both a sense of relief, though nothing that had Will feeling stressed and me feeling sad has changed except for our attitudes—and, as always, attitude is everything.

As you can imagine, the transition back to the bio-dome has been a bit rocky, but fortunately, Will and I were able to adjust attitudes that had overwhelmed our capacity to spotlight ‘the bright side’ of our lives..

With thankfulness, Will and I discussed our good fortune to be the parents of the trio of men whom our sons have all grown to be as this reality is the greatest blessing any mother and father can experience.  

Together and individually, Barry, Steven and David enhance our good times while also easing our way through life’s harsh realities.

Their presence and heartfelt generosity contribute more to the positively focused nature of our spirits’ well-being than any other aspect of our lives.    

As to our five week stay in CA—though not perfect, by any means (Will’s pain-ridden back injury, for example) memory is sure to recall the best of times in a resort setting that felt like an oasis (having left our worries at home), and the time we enjoyed with family and friends, felt—idyllic.

As to this week’s return to reality—

Will has already seen the oral surgeon, his internist, and his dermatologist.

I’ve had cancer-marker blood tests and, yesterday was my quarterly PET scan.  Next week’s calendar is filled with additional scans, an ultra sound and doctor’s appointments.

Any wonder why time spent on the west coast with loved ones felt idyllic?  Attitude and Perspective are everything!

Annie

PS  Today is my 60th high school reunion.  It’s the first one I’ve ever missed.  Two of my closest friends, who live in proximity to tonight’s festivities, have decided not to attend.  Individually, they’ve texted that it wouldn’t be fun—without me.  Have I really had such a lasting effect on those who’ve had an indelible effect on me?

PHOTOS—A SAMPLING OF FIVE HEAVENLY WEEKS

Since I was unable to participate in most of our family outings, much of my enjoyment proved vicarious by way of pouring over photos (taken with cell phones) at the end of each day.  So here’s a sampling, starting with Ravi and her friend, Alexa, enjoying:

A day at the beach—

  Ravi cutting up at dinner with Daddy and Uncle Barry

Ray and Marie

                                    Marie and Tony

Merle Mack Will and me

                            Andi Michael Will and me

            Will enjoying the breakfast of champions

            Grandchildren—the best medicine, ever!

                              A day at the county fair

David helping Will to pack us up as five idyllic weeks draw to an end

How were Will and I so fortunate as to have left the desert’s sweltering heat in favor of enjoying five weeks in paradise with family and friends?

Over these past three years, CANCER and COVID provided for no vacations, which is why we accrued more than five weeks of condo time that had rolled over from one year to the next, and as you can imagine, our family enjoyed every minute of relaxation spent together in this idyllic salt sea setting to which Will and I hope to return, twice more, before two additional roll-over weeks expire as 2022 bows out, offering 2023 center stage …

And while we’re considering how fast time flies when we’re finally free to have fun with family and friends, let’s enjoy a moment of nostalgia by watching a quick video taken at the resort, six years ago, when Ravi’s love of music felt so free of self consciousness as to have activated this animated toddler’s wholehearted participation in any activity that had stimulated her natural freedom of expression:

Annie

 

TRANSITION

On Thursday of last week, early afternoon, the plan, referred to in my last post, came to fruition, offering me a sense of relief.  Then, Will and I rested in readiness to enjoy several hours with dear college friends, who had driven up from San Diego.  Later, that evening, David arrived at the condo to enjoy our last weekend with family, on the coast.

On Friday, my dear friend, Cath, came to visit, and as with all of our family and friends, our time, together, was spent enjoying each other in the fresh air, surrounded by the gorgeous, colorful, garden setting of the resort.

On Saturday,  David helped us pack up, ensuring that Will carried nothing heavy and I did not over-tax the limits of my energy.  At the completion of that feat, David drove us to Barry’s, where we all hung out in the backyard before the whole family enjoyed dinner on the patio of a favorite neighborhood, Italian restaurant. 

On Sunday morning, Barry’s family arrived at the condo with Starbucks to give us a loving send off while Barry and David loaded our car.  Upon arriving home from our idyllic five week stay on the west coast (and being that Will’s back injury is not fully healed), Steven came over to empty our fully-loaded car.  As we were tuckered out after our six hour drive, we enjoyed a dinner comprised of chips and lemonade, feeling like the most fortune parents in the world.

On Monday, the hardest thing about being home was knowing it’s too hot to go outside and breathe in fresh sea air (or go anywhere indoors, for that matter), while enjoying so many of the people I love …

I was so much less aware of cancer in CA …

On Tuesday, today, my spirit is in much better shape.  Yesterday, Will and I talked about the natural let down we were both experiencing—how overwhelmed we’d each felt (for a variety of reasons, some the same, others not), and I think airing our individual concerns with each other offered us both a sense of relief, though everything that had Will feeling stressed and me feeling sad has not changed—with one exception—our attitudes, looking forward, offer a loving, wholesome vibe.

Talking always brings things out and allows us to know where we are in the world. We have dealt with so much stress and continue to have to deal with harsh realities. Lots of testing and appointments with doctors coming up—What would I do without Will and our sons and their families and extended family and our friends …

Andi will be here in an hour.

Next week, David plans to drive home.

My sister and her husband plan to be here early in September.

As I look forward, my life, filled with countless blessings, feels so much better, today than yesterday.

What a difference a day makes (when the bright side of life is foremost in my mind).

Attitude (change for the better) is everything

Next time we meet—photos

Annie

AN UNFORESEEN PLAN

 Timing is everything

Attitude is everything

As timing and attitude aligned

A plan came together that had

Never entered my mind concerning

A specific person who has been

Relaxing at this idyllic resort

At the very same time as is true of

Will and me…

Annie

MY INNER BRAIN FOOLED ME, AGAIN

 Yesterday’s post feels so profound that I plan to review my thoughts several times in hopes of training my brain to absorb the validity of every word more deeply than ever before.  Why? Because the insight-driven guidance offered up for my consideration—though the title of yesterday’s post was directed at you—exemplifies my subconscious agility fooling me into believing that the inner stress in need of identifying had not been aimed at spotlighting metastatic cancer leading toward my demise until that vital message to my conscious self had neared completion.

At times, my inner brain fools my conscious self in a good way—

In short, we witnessed my positively focused power of intuition pen a post, the content of which had bypassed the reactive portion of my defense system so as to keep my conscious connection to logic on track, knowing that, otherwise, my train of thought might have scared me half to death. .

Annie

DOES YOUR OVER-TAXED MIND DESERVE A REST FROM SELF INDUCED STRESS?

Over the years, I’ve come to understand why exercising my mind with positive thoughts keeps my brain as healthy as is true of exercising the rest of my body (not to be confused with over thinking or over exercising).  

As to negatively focused ‘what if’s’, most of them prove to weigh heavy on our spirits unnecessarily since so many never come to fruition, and therefore they do nothing but stress us out, unproductively.

At each stage of our lives, the human condition remains peppered with complications and riddled with unknowns. So it’s reassuring to know that upon gaining the maturity to muster the courage and humility necessary to openly identify, understand and confront our own deeply repressed (hot mess) of unresolved personal issues, a commotion of emotions will no longer feel need to burst out of you (from time to time), based in this fact:  As subconscious distress lessens, your think tank will feel less and less inclined to open your mouth and spew out conflicting emotions, which had wrestled for dominance over your thought processor.

You see, every over-reaction (that makes everyone run for covet) indicates that too many unexpressed emotions have remained repressed, suppressed and restrained until, unexpectedly, they all burst out, at once!  Wow!  Once that last straw flips the switch, Mr. Cool’s transformation into hot headed Hyde right before your astonished eyes is indeed a scary sight to behold!

Something tells me that this post is leading us toward  unveiling the profound nature of thoughts that will enable me to retire my inner control freak so as to live my life peacefully and contentedly rather than fearfully or fretfully once I return home where reality awaits to overwhelm my think tank unless my heartfelt determination to feel content continues to deepen my conscious awareness of the natural coalescence of my inner strengths in hopes of empowering my spirit to dominate emotional uprisings associated with death and  dying, (which, as we know, is beyond my control).

Since I don’t see my heart and mind as battlefields, what do I see as my future, filled with unknowns, unfolds?  I see the calming influence of my intuitive voice guiding the coalition of my inner strengths to remind me to feel appreciative of my good fortune while reflecting over each stage of my life.

Many posts back, I compared my coalition of inner strengths to the deep, far reaching network of roots that empowers a mature tree to securely withstand the high speed winds of a sand swirling HaBoob (humungous desert dust storm).

Amongst the core strengths that I’ve come to value most are my close relationships with family and friends, whose protective rootedness—having wound lovingly around my own—continues to stand the test of time, fortifying me to withstand whatever may come.

Below you’ll see a many branched tree with roots running so deep as to have empowered the core of its trunk to withstand a wind storm so violent as to have pulled the roots of several trees in the vicinity of my son, Steven’s office, right out of the earth, and standing at a safe distance away from the window, my son video’d the wild intensity of the wind flinging this particular tree trunk, back and forth (as easily as a child swinging a rag doll) while drivers—who had wisely turned off their engines and lights after pulling over to the curb—felt deeply relieved of personal injury being that this specific tree trunk had not broken loose so as to fly through the air and crash land onto the roof or the hood of their cars, smashing windows and mangling the smooth shiny metal of their vehicles beyond repair.

While viewing Steven’s video, taken earlier this week from within the safety of his law office, imagine this tree representing my deeply repressed reaction, each time the fickle finger of fate flings another malignant tumor surgery at the coalition of my inner strengths … then picture me standing up in the aftermath of each surgical procedure, giving heartfelt thanks for having been raised by loving parents who’d encouraged me to develop positively focused roots, a strong spirit that felt need to take wing and a support system extraordinaire led by my beloved husband and incomparable sons …

Annie

LET’S OUTSMART SEPARATION ANXIETY

 Yesterday—Sunday to be exact—serenity came close to playing hide and seek with my sensitive nature as Andi and Michael packed up, as planned and drove back to their condo (situated several blocks from our desert home).

Actually, their original plan was to leave on Saturday until we four readily agreed that sharing an additional day in paradise offered everyone’s sense of happiness sound reason to widen heartfelt smiles, all around.

For obvious reasons, I chose not to mention the departure of our dearest friends within yesterday’s post so as to spotlight my choice to savor the tranquil, yet fleeting nature of serenity.

Perhaps, my intuitive voice coached my processor to concentrate yesterday’s thoughts ‘soully’ upon serenity in hopes of protecting my sensitivities from experiencing separation anxiety after Andi and Michael’s departure.

Upon reflection, I believe cancer and separation anxiety rub up against each other as abrasively as would the grit of sandpaper against a cheese grater, and if that’s true then it stands to reason that my assumption concerning the protective guidance of my intuitive powers must be on target, because—my sense of irritability proved nil.  

You see, while wishing our dearest friends an easy six hour drive across blistering hot desert terrain, I’d actually felt a sense of contentment wash over me, anew, as thoughts of David’s imminent arrival filled my awareness with anticipatory gladness concerning our good fortune to enjoy yet another balmy Sunday in Paradise with beloved family.

Then, with an imaginary wave of my positively focused wand, overhead, I clearly felt the gentle flutter of fairy wings caress my cheek as these magic words whispered through the air—separation anxiety be gone …

And thus have we witnessed the power of positive thinking deepening my sense of personal contentment so as to have reawakened  the magic of my mind where fairy tales of ‘happily ever after’ begin with—‘Once upon a time’…

🧚🏽Annie

THERE’S NO FAKING SERENITY

 

Last Thursday night, all six of us enjoyed dinner on Barry’s new patio.  His landscape design and extensive backyard construction should be a swim-ready show stopper within a couple of weeks.

Yesterday, having had our hair professionally shampoo’d and blown dry, Andi and I joined Will and Michael at the pool until the emergence of my daily quest for mental solitude saw me take my walker in hand and make my way back to our condo—where having cast drapes, windows and balcony doors wide open—I, lying on my bed (a study pillow raising my head to a comfortable writing position) enjoyed the fresh air of an ocean breeze washing over this desert dweller so thoroughly that with each breath taken, my heartfelt sense of contentment was ever more deeply absorbed.

If our eyes are windows into our souls then when yours connect with mine, I believe you’ll clearly agree that a naturally tranquil infusion of serenity is utterly innocent of duplicity.  (On the other hand, the fact that my eyes are ringed with dark circles clearly indicates that all is not well with whatever may or may not be happening inside my body.)

As you can see, the problem with Serenity is that it tends to be fleeting.  Knowing that to be true, I train my brain’s thought processor to remain positively focused in hopes of enticing serenity to stick so close to me that my present sense of reality goes no further than looking forward to whatever pleasant plan we’ll enjoy—tonight.

On Friday, we six enjoyed dinner with our niece, Beth and Steve, on the patio of a neighborhood restaurant.

On Saturday, we four enjoyed the ambiance of the pool, followed by resting before meeting Marie and Barry for dinner on yet another restaurant’s patio.

As you can see, I am doing exactly as planned: enjoying every moment with an ever deepening appreciation of life, most especially during these wonderful weeks of feeling so thoroughly infused with the love of beloved family and treasured friends ❤️Annie

PS— if I close my eyes, I can almost feel my healthy hair growing longer, every day.  Most likely, I was six years old the last time I had bangs.😊🙋🏻‍♀️

DAILY EXPERIENCES, THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS STACK UP

 Perhaps tears of grief will not emerge until I feel myself sicken.  Makes sense, right?

Though my brain continues to request a quiet environment for the most part of every day where stimulation cannot easily over-tax my processor, I do not feel like a cancer patient as is true at home where my appointments at Mayo seem to stack up on my calendar more quickly than I can believe, suggesting why my thoughts concerning serious illness stack up in direct proportion to what I experience, day after day..

Is it any wonder that my enjoyment of family and friends in a healthy, seaside environment replaces thoughts of the grim reaper with thoughts of my good fortune to experience natural smiles of delight while spending week after week relaxing with those I love, day after day?

Last night, Andi and Michael along with Will and I met Marie and Barry and our niece,  Beth and her husband Steve for dinner.

As to Will’s back, his discomfort has lessened a bit  again, today.

No wonder why my face smiles so readily!

Simply put—I feel happy 🙋🏻‍♀️😊

Annie

A COMPOSITE VIEW OF ME

 A post penned a couple of weeks ago offered a surface view of the spacious pool area of the west coast oasis that has captured the heart of our family’s annual get-together during summertime’s most beautiful weather.

Though only one pool can be seen in the photo posted, above, three pools complete the composite picture that would clearly be seen if you and I were eagles—flying with cell phones clutched securely within talons—snapping photos of the resort from a birds-eye view, high in the sky above my family, which has always preferred to enjoy the two pools seen in the photos, below.

The birds-eye view, described above, is my intuitive way of leading our minds toward absorbing the fact that just as these pools are layered, the same proves true of my emotions, most especially since I had No choice other than absorbing the fact that despite having endured many months of chemo followed by two life saving surgeries, one day apart, followed by chemo, followed by the removal of my right lung, followed by a fourth tumor surgery—all experienced within two years time—I found myself listening with a heavy heart to my oncologist express these dreaded words aloud—your cancer, having metastasized, is now considered to be stage four.  And though, weeks later, my surface reaction continues to be calmly composed, my inner sadness is felt, throughout the day, every day, as though an ocean of tears that I feel pooling behind my smiles remains unshed.  And if you ask why I’ve yet to cry whenever my sense of grief feels overwhelming, deep inside, your patience is requested while I await my power of intuition to emerge with an insight-driven answer to the same question that I’ve been asking my innermost self …

Annie

A LOOSENING OF KNOTTED EMOTIONS

Though thankfully, I’m feeling relaxed, today, one day last week, the intuitive portion of my mind chose to write the word ‘overwhelmed’, and yet, overwhelmed was not what I’d consciously felt.  Perhaps, the intensity of my emotional reaction remains so complex, (ever since having heard the words ‘stage four’) that tears of sadness remain too deeply repressed to have surfaced, as of yet..

As to Will’s back, his recent golf-swing injury continues to be painful, and of course, his discomfort weighs heavy on my mind.

Hopefully, my connection to courage has been subconsciously strengthening, over these past several weeks, so as to naturally encourage my eventual confrontation of repressed emotions that comprise the tightly knit composition of suppressed reactions, which have caused tension headaches to pulse painfully within my overtaxed brain though that disconcerting symptom of mental distress has lessened, considerably, ever since Andi and Michael’s arrival..

Perhaps enjoying time spent within the loving cocoon of our family circle while relaxing within this beautiful ocean oasis has begun to offer tightly knotted, submerged emotional reactions sound reason to loosen up …

Though broadening one’s perspective to envision the bigger picture is vital to enhancing a person’s connection to contentedness, there are times when deepening one’s level of contentedness depends upon concentrating my grateful sense of awareness on living ‘soully’in the moment, and—

The sun is shining, the sky is blue, the weather sublime; our sons and their families are all fine, and momentarily, I’m about to enjoy breakfast on the balcony, overlooking the tranquility of the ocean, with Will and our dearest friends … life is good.

Parasailing (enlarge this photo and then look at this view—as seen from our balcony—ever so closely until an easily missed yet most important detail is clearly seen.)

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

LET’S SCROLL BACK TO LARRY, ONE LAST TIME

 As another favorite family anecdote concerning Larry’s Legacy came to mind, let’s scroll back, one last time …

❤️Annie

TRANQUILITY, FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Friday night, we enjoyed dinner with Barry and Marie on the patio at Zov’s—one of our favorite west coast Mediterranean restaurants. Live music, fruit muddled sangria, great food and lively conversation. 

On Saturday at about 1pm, David arrived from LA just minutes after our closest friends, Andi and Michael, walked into our two bedroom, two bath, spacious time share where our fifth floor terrace overlooks the ocean offering each of us a sight so tranquil as to spontaneously ease the mind of all stress encountered while our dear friends had driven to the west coast from the desert.  So eager were they to leave intense heat behind that they’d pulled onto the freeway shortly after 6:30am.

Boy, were they happy to be relaxing round the pool, downing margaritas (Andi) and a beer (Michael) amid balmy ocean breezes gently ruffling everyone’s hair.  Soon after Will, David snd I chose to return to the condo for a nap, Andi fell asleep on her lounge chair next to Michael’s, both safely shaded neath the umbrella that, along with sunscreen, had protected all five of us from absorbing too many rays of sunshine.

By 7pm we were enjoying dinner with Barry’s family on the patio of a favorite neighborhood restaurant, after which David stayed at Barry’s for the night while Andi and Michael plan to enjoy our timeshare in paradise for the week to come.

Just before bedtime, I glanced out of our large master bedroom window, and feeling transfixed by the tranquil view of the man in the moon casting glowing beams of light over the ocean and beyond, I, feeling serenity wash over me, realized that my naturally inclusive smile had appeared, so happy was I to know how happy to be with us are Andi and Michael, as well  Then, having enjoyed a wonderful day with family and friends, I climbed into bed, knowing that tonight’s sleep would feel every bit as deeply peaceful as had been true of dinner on a restaurant patio where the table, having been set for nine, had been ever so good for my heart, spirit and mind, which had not had cause to think of cancer, even one time.

And as I’ve just closed the room darkening drapes, that’s all for today except for wishing you as restful a night as I hope will be mine until tomorrow’s sun shines bright, yet again, over our little corner of the world …

Annie. 

LET’S SCROLL BACK TO LARRY

 Another anecdote was added to ‘Larry’s Legacy’

❤️Annie

2022 LARRY’S LEGACY

 Thursday, August 4, 2022

Though last week offered everyone in our family sound reason to enjoy ‘fun and games’, that does not suggest the absence of sobering situations in need of serious consideration.  As with all extended families, unnecessary drama (based in unidentified and thus unresolved personal issues) arises when a problem, which truly does not currently exist, is imagined by a person whose darkly defensive outlook manages to create the exact situation that he or she is most fearful of encountering—as in the manifestation of—a self-conceived prophecy.  Knowing that this sad situation has been beyond our control for many years, our family has learned to accept that which none of us has been able to change for the better.

On a whole different level of sobering sadness, a dear cousin, who will always be deeply loved by many, passed away, last week.  Will and Larry grew up together, as their extended family, consisting of grandparents, aunts, uncles and numerous cousins, all lived within a few blocks of each other.  Three of these families called a three story apartment building home, each family living one level above another with a common hallway and stairwell leading to the front doors of all three apartments.

Basically, what I’m getting at is this:  Will and Larry enjoyed growing up within a very close knit extended family.  And when it came to cousins, Larry, being a jovial, mischievous kind of guy, beginning with toddlerhood throughout his entire manhood, had been a favorite, all around.

I was welcomed into Will’s extended family at the age of eighteen; that made Larry fifteen, and though I didn’t live upstairs or downstairs or down the block from his family, Larry and I had forged a lasting friendship filled with love and laughter that’s been deeply valued, throughout our adult lives.

As cancer, COVID and crowded airports forbid us from flying, Will and I felt thankful upon hearing that Larry’s memorial service would be Zoomed.

Larry had been married to Judy (who’d been a live wire, for sure) for close to fifty years, and Will and I had enjoyed each of them as individuals as much as we four had sought each other out as couples, who’d love to laugh, together, until several years back, when, sadly, very sadly, Judy succumbed to an aggressive brain tumor.

Today, I can’t help but imagine our cousins holding hands, smiling into each other’s eyes and laughing heartily at a corny joke that Judy, rolling her eyes, had listened to Larry repeat at least a hundred times if not more.

Of one thing you can be sure—upon reflecting over Larry’s Legacy, amusing anecdotes will surely be added, right here, about, knishes, green cake and dancing with two left feet.

Larry’s favorite dishes were his Gramma Ida’s potato knishes (which hD been enjoyed by about 35 people, every Thanksgiving) and his mother’s green cake.

Once Will and I’d moved to Phoenix, we made knishes, every year, because Thanksgiving was not Thanksgiving until the first knish had been savored in our living room (imagine the room filled with our sons watching football before our Thanksgiving guests had arrived).

In fact, as soon as our last batch of golden knishes had been lifted out of our extra large frying pan, oil still sizzling, Will would call Larry, who lived in the Midwest, to tease his dearly loved cousin by asking Larry if he could smell this peppery family favorite cooling on the kitchen counter.  Larry, who’d awaited Will’s call, year after year, would laugh robustly; then, knowing how much Will loved Aunt Gerty’s green cake, Larry would counter with—My mom whipped up a green cake, and I’m enjoying YOUR slice, right now!

Once during a workday, Will was going from exam room to exam room, glancing through each next chart, and upon walking into the last exam room of the day, Will’s eyes lifted from chart in hand to see Larry, sitting on the table with Judy standing next to him, both laughing at Will’s sudden show of delighted surprise, which matched my own when all three walked across the threshold from our garge into our home. That weekend, while the guys played golf, Judy and I—having duplicated Aunt Gerty’s recipe—surprised our husbands with an authentic green cake, which, having won two thumbs up, had been devoured by sundown.

Larry was an athlete but not a dancer.  And though I’d loved to dance—especially with Will—once my sciatic nerve became too painfully inflamed to jitterbug, Judy would happily claim Will as her partner, and off they’d go twirling like teens, all over the dance floor.  Will was so happy to be dancing, and I was so happy to know that during family celebrations, my husband was never seen tapping his foot on the sidelines wishing for a partner as enthusiastic as had been true of both Judy—and me.

Sometimes I wonder if rather than passing on sad information concerning devastating  illnesses and unbearable losses, my defense system detours my mind from dwelling upon losses that feel too sad to be true in favor of savoring yesteryear’s happy memories, so I can feel peaceful and cheerful, most of the time.

Though we’ve been experiencing very sad moments during this time of heartfelt loss, I feel deeply grateful for having spent the greater part of this past week enjoying our sons and their families with more of the same to come…

Annie

NEW GIRL AT SCHOOL Part 4

 At first, as you watch, I'll wander onto a dark, scary path inside my head, which will actually be a mind maze, where no window or exit sign will appear for decades to come—until I begin to write my story at which time the emergence of strings of insight will have begun to spotlight forgotten details, which, will highlight dark experiences that had intensified my insecurity.

The retrieval of these forgotten details will brighten my conscious awareness of my intuitive need to leave the (brow) beaten path behind in favor of concentrating all of my mental energy upon carving out a detailed, existential existence of my own by choosing to seek out professional guidance in hopes of understanding the mind maze that had messed with the clarity of my thought processor—repeatedly.

As you watch the naïveté of a deeply confused, eleven year old girl grow toward adulthood, my sensitivities will begin to embrace the importance of mindfulness concerning self awareness.  And I believe that while watching me grow up, you, too, will gain insight into the wisdom of seeking out the astute nature of psychological help that encouraged me to develop into the strong spirited, insight-driven, self aware woman, whom I freely choose to be, today.

With time, I believe you will come to see how determined my brain had to be to gain access to the key ring that holds key details, each of which proved necessary to opening my mind, repeatedly, to my need to brighten my sense of clarity concerning how best to heal the wounded portions of my self image, which had darkened when my budding self esteem had unwittingly begun to bear several heavy burdens within the subconscious portion of my brain as proves true of countless children, who carry huge portions of undeserved guilt wherever they go, because they have no clue of having been innocent of serious wrong doing while they were raised by adults whose poor choice of behavior and insulting words proved every bit as immature as is true of power-struggling children whose tunnel vision concentrates solely upon winning whenever two opposing mindsets remain embroiled in a conflict, irregardless of negative consequences, which are sure to break every heart that remains engaged in power plays till bitterness grows so huge on both sides that love can no longer scale the barbed walls that arise and thicken beyond all attempts to dismantle them in hopes of healing a deeply wounded relationship, which had once felt secure until a conflict of needs or a misunderstanding aroused two dueling defense systems to tear a sadly confounded relationship apart—as is about to happen to the tender hearted friendship between a pair of star crossed sixth graders once Annie has been kissed by Joseph …

NEW GIRL AT SCHOOL Part 3

 As to my best friend at my old school, she and I will have enjoyed sleep overs for a short time.  However, now that I feel utterly enchanted (for the first time in my prepubescent life) every time my socially self-confident peepers lock into that pair of twinkling blue eyes, shooting sparks of mischief in my direction, my friends (inclusive of the boyfriend, whom I’d singled out as my own), previous to moving from the city to the suburbs, were last week’s toast.

Alas, a child’s egocentric unrealistic expectations are not to come to fruition.  You see, while my mind is spinning day dreams, the fickle finger of fate is writing every kid’s worst nightmare onto the next several pages of my life.

Soon, you'll watch a shocking awakening take place, which I'd never expected to slap me so sharply across the face as to shatter my socially self confident voice.  Then, as seeing is believing, I'll show you why my highly naive pipe dream concerning taking center stage at my new school is bound to go up in smoke.

As this mysterious slap in the face (causing my spirit to secretly shoulder a boulder of deeply confounded misery) unfolds, you'll watch me unknowingly victimize myself—repeatedly—in story after story—until an astute therapist guides my adult mind toward discovering the exact moment in time when a jumble of mixed messages had begun to mess with my self esteem’s sense of clarity, causing me to de-value myself—big time!

Annie

NEW GIRL AT SCHOOL part 2

Since children are egocentric, I actually assume that the pretty girl with the brown, almond shaped eyes, perfectly shaped nose, sensuous mouth and long, dark hair pulled back from her captivating face into a high ponytail will instantly want to be my best friend.  However instinct suggests that choosing a boyfriend may take more time.  But, oh boy—am I ever wrong about that!

At the first sign of mischief dancing in one pair of blue eyes, my antenna arise, and as my heart starts to dance in a strangely pleasured way, the contest between boy #1 and boy #2 is won.  As to cute, blue-eyed boy #2—well, Mr. Nice-Quiet-Shy-and-Studious pales by comparison in such short order that he fades back into the classroom once Captain Mischief-maker’s strong spirit wins my full attention..

When the final bell rings at the end of the day, I collect my sister, Lauren, at the door of her first grade class, and while walking her home (as had been my habit at our old school) I imagine myself stepping into the center ring of the fifth grade social circus where the slender, almond-eyed, pony-tailed creature and the mischievous Leader of the Pack crown me benevolent Ring Master, over everyone in our fifth grade class.  Then, while imagining our classmates (who numbered somewhere between 22-25) circling round, paying homage to we three, I smile all the way home, believing all is well within my new little corner of the world.

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie