NEW GIRL AT SCHOOL part 1

 The sky held no dark, foreboding clouds on that crisp spring day in March of 1955 when my family moved from our urban, third floor, two-bedroom apartment across town into the spacious, suburban, two story, three-bedroom-two-bath, dream house that made Dad’s spirit soar.  And as my sense of adventure had eagerly held hands with Dad’s—which was so palpably transparent as to have been contagious—my future seemed too secure to fret over friends left behind.

Upon reflection, I can still feel the surge of positive energy buoying my spirit’s sense of positive focus on this first day at our new school when Mom, hugging my little sister, Lauren and me goodbye, left her precious offspring with the principal, who, having welcomed each of us amiably, led both of us from his office into each of our classrooms.

I imagine myself hugging Lauren, who will have been clinging to me in hopes of extending our hug for several seconds before she bravely follows the voice of authority into her first grade classroom.  However, my imagination bows gracefully to memory as I recall my new teacher, Miss Stone, smiling kindly while introducing me to her fifth grade class.

Without so much as a worry as to what fate might write upon the next chapter of my life, I can clearly see a socially secure, self confident smile on my face while I walk down the aisle toward the desk to which I’d been assigned, and without a care in the world, I slide onto its seat and busy myself with getting settled in readiness for my new adventure to get underway.

Once my new text books, three ringed notebook, crayons, tempera paints, scissors, paste, ruler and pencil case have been neatly stored inside my desk, my eyes sweep the classroom until I spy an uncommonly pretty girl.  Then as my gaze lands upon two blue eyed, blond, ten year old—guys, whose desks are side by side, my instinct to check out the rest of the kids in the classroom dissipates as I sense that that which has been sought has been found. (As to why most of my new classmates are only ten while I’ve already turned eleven?  Patience, my friends.  Detailing memorable facts while writing non-fiction takes time.)

Annie

VICTIMS NEED VILLAINS

 BOOK ONE CHAPTER 2—BULLY FOR ME Part 1 VICTIMS NEED VILLAINS

Hi.  Glad to meet you.  My name is Annie.  I’m ten years old.  And I’ve leaped off the historical time line to tell you my story.  However, before we get started, there’s one thing in need of clarifying:  You may think me older than my years, because I’ll be talking through the adult I’ve become, whose voice has a tendency to override mine, from time to time.

For example, a kid would not say:  Don’t ya just hate it when you meet someone, and the first thing you hear is that person’s story of woe?  I mean if misery likes company then why do people go on and on about themselves instead of letting you top their sad tales with a whale of a tale of your own?  In truth, misery just wants listeners to agree that life should not be so unfair for someone as intelligent, caring, personable, hard working, and fun as—you.

Perhaps misery needs listeners to agree with 'woe is me' for this reason:  We know that life can be a slippery slope.  But when the person sliding downhill is oneself, we tend to believe that the reason for our slide is someone else's fault, because—Every victim needs a villain to blame when misery just won’t quit.  At least that’s what we tend to believe is true until a growth spurt toward emotional maturity shines the spotlight of insight upon the necessity of holding oneself accountable for one’s own words, actions and deeds once we’re adults.  The primary issue being that too many adults remain blind to those times when they ‘act out’ like undisciplined children rather than acting like self disciplined grown ups.

On the other hand, each time an unexpected situation arises, twisting a child's self-confident voice into tongue-tied knots, that child—Whoops—I forgot that this particular child wants to speak for herself.  So begging your pardon for my interruption, let's welcome young Annie back and listen intently to that which she feels need to say, today ...

At five, I'd patted crying classmates on the back, reassuring them that our moms would pick us up at the end of our first day in kindergarten.  You see, during the 1940’s most of us had not been enrolled in preschool, and daycare was a word not yet coined.  In fact, if Rosie The Riveter had children, they were most likely cared for by grandparents, who’d lived with our families after emigrating from ‘the old country’.

At ten, I'd stamped my foot on the playground at recess and refused to play until my friends stopped bullying the new kid at school.  Though I’d been unaware of my budding leadership skills, Mother Nature had empowered MY VOICE to ring out ‘loud and clear’ with my peers concerning whatever I’d intuitively felt at my core.  And clarity concerning my socially secure status in school remained mine until we moved to the suburbs where an emotional storm cloud darkened my pre-teen years in such a terrifying way that the confounding nature of my new reality felt too unbelievable for my sense of clarity to bear.  (In case you’re thinking:  Here starts the misery—I mean mystery—concerning the dizzying aspects of Annie’s deeply conflicted relationship with—herself, please stop your mind from jumping to conclusions, because the mysterious nature of my conflicted relationship between self-confidence and insecurity had actually experienced sound reason to develop during the fall of 1946 when I was not quite three at which time the fickle finger of fate had unleashed tragedy to trample all over my family’s sense of safety, not once but twice within less than two months time … and now, having clarified the fact that I was just a tot when a double dose of tragedy ran interference with my personal sense of safety at home—we’ll leave 1946 in the past so that when next we meet, eleven year old Annie can continue to tell you what happened to her in 1955 when her family moved to the suburbs, where she and her six year old sister, Lauren, began to go to a new school  at which time our protagonist faced experiences that proved so confounding as to have silenced the voice of her budding leadership skills, which, over time, felt so bewildered and parched as to dry up and wilt …

RUNNING ON FUMES OF MENTAL ACUITY

Though my heart is happy to have spent this past week enjoying our family, my head doesn’t have the energy to engage in activities and conversations, day after day.  And as my brain has become too tired to write insight-driven posts, I’ve decided to back-track kind of randomly through stories penned and posted in order to offer up excerpts to you until the intuitive portion of my processor feels naturally re- vitalized.

And being that today is the last day of Steven’s and Ravi’s vacation with us, I’ll close for now knowing that my plan concerning reposting portions of stories will pave our way forward until my sense of mental acuity regains the clarity to offer up insights, which have not been spotlighted  as of yet.

Annie 

SAVORING THE MEMORY OF FAMILY PICTURES

 Marie’s friend, Nguyet, is a the photographer, who took our family pictures, yesterday, as we’d gathered within one of the parklike settings in full bloom throughout the resort.  Thank goodness, Barry had thought to order and assemble a wheelchair, allowing me to participate with as little discomfort as possible, being that I remained seated whenever a photo was taken that did not include me.

The fact that Nguyet’s attitude was enthusiastic while providing our group with a natural flare for professional acuity made our photo shoot a pleasure in which to partake.  And once the proofs are ready to view, you can be sure that I’ll be eager to share them with you.

Today, Will and I appreciate the fact that the weather is so delightful as to entice most of our offspring to take off for the county fair, situated several blocks from Joey’s house, after which I imagine big, medium and small fry will return to the resort so as to feel refreshed upon leaping into the pool followed by the adults enjoying some naptime on shaded lounges while the kids swim, tirelessly, till rumbling tummies, wrapped in towels (from head to toe) stand next to their parents’s lounge chairs clamoring aloud—what’s for dinner?  We’re starving!

At this very moment, while Will and I rest up, gazing ever so peaceably over the calming expansive ocean view as clearly seen from our fifth floor veranda, serenity washes over me as I picture our progeny wandering, together, through the fair, enjoying yet another idyllic vacation day within each other’s company.  And with that vision seeming like a snapshot worthy of framing within my memory, my spirit smiles serenely for this reason  as well:

 Although a life threatening illness impedes me from enjoying my family at the beach or the fair, my sons’ desire to vacation, together, will last long beyond my years.  And as my spirit longs to savor that heartfelt thought concerning strong bonds of friendship drawing our sons and their children toward seeking each other out as often as possible, I’ll tell you how Bryce became our sons’ fourth brother once the intuitive portion of my mind opens the door to that heartfelt memory/story.

As to who was stung by the bee, please have patience with the easily wearied state of my mind since my intuition will decide when to tell that true tale, as well.

Family photo shoot during our vacation six years ago

Annie

INSIGHT INTO WHY LIVE IN THE MOMENT

 How are you feeling?  That’s what everyone asks.

‘How are you ‘feeling’ differs from ‘how are you’ in this subtle way:  Whereas—how are you feeling—implies something has been wrong—how are you—on it’s own—is commonly considered a polite way to convey a friendly interest in the current state of another person’s life.

No one has asked me ‘What’s up?’ (conveying interest in what a person has been doing) in years.

Why not?  Because everyone who cares about me knows full well that, over these last three years, I’ve been thoroughly engaged in a fight for survival, and though I have given this supreme challenge my best shot, repeatedly, ‘stage four’ indicates that my winning streak has turned a corner where malignant tumors, awaiting silently to attack my body’s healthy cells, will eventually overcome my best efforts to withstand poisonous infusions of chemo, which, in addition to killing unwelcome tumor cells, attack my body’s healthy cells until so much of me succumbs to this powerful medication that my circulatory system breaks down, indicative of the fact that chemo will prove to be every bit as dangerous to my blood cells as the tumors, themselves.  And once chemo ends, the tumors will win.

So whenever I’m combatting both cancer and chemo, simultaneously, how do I answer when asked—how are you feeling?  I say—I’m feeling happy to see you, and as my heartfelt response is 100% true, smiles appear, based in the natural emergence of positive attitudes, which are often contagious, all around.

This post spotlights insight into how best to live in the moment—most especially when the moment is peopled with loved ones and pretty much pain-free.

As I’m not combatting the weakening effects of chemo while we’re enjoying these balmy resort weeks with our family, I feel very tired but have very little physical discomfort.  And as the contagious nature of my smile is always ready to emerge whenever a loved one’s eyes meet mine, we are all enjoying as many positive moments as we can stuff into these five weeks so as to carry home as many positive memories of family togetherness as can be stored and then retrieved whenever buoying our spirits with inner joy seems in short supply, down the road.

                Enjoying Ray’s 11th birthday party

Annie

ALL TOGETHER—DAY ONE

 As Steven and Ravi arrived, last night, and Bryce arrived at the condo, this morning, everyone’s here now, except for Celina, whose presence will be missed.

My brain can only engage with others for about an hour and a half, after which, my head feels too heavy to remain in an upright position above my neck, so by the time big and small took off for the beach, I was more than ready to lie down and read while resting quietly throughout the afternoon.

As soon as everyone returns from the beach, our plan is to meet at the pool and order dinner from the grill.  Though all will be in bathing suits, I’m wearing a navy sweatshirt over a navy/white polka dot turtle neck and navy leggings. Being old and feeling cold doesn’t mean I have to dress my age.  In fact, as soon as I tie the laces on my navy converse sneaks, Will, my walker and I will be ready to enjoy dinner, poolside, with all of our offspring.  

And as I just received a text saying everyone has returned from the beach and all await our arrival at the pool, that’s all for today!

Annie

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, RAY

 With Friday having offered more social interaction than we’ve experienced over these past three years and Saturday being our grandson Ray’s 11th (outdoor) birthday party, which saw 9 or 10 active boys enjoying the largest bouncy house with attached slide and pool that I’ve ever seen, Will and I sat off to the side in the shady area of Barry’s spacious front yard (an extensive pool excavation is underway in his backyard).  We stayed less than an hour, because, following our ambitious day on Friday, Saturday saw me even more weary than usual, suggesting that my head felt too heavy to remain upright atop my neck.  So back to the condo we went, both feeling relieved that Will (who’d tweaked his back—first time on the driving range in three years time) and I could stretch out along the length of the living room couch—his head at one end mine at the other where I wondered—how in the world did I go from an active Gramma who’d kept up with my grandkids to this lady with a walker, whose smile is always keeping an eye out for a place to sit down ….

Though the temperature remains in the low 70’s, I’m sure swimming will be at the top of our family’s agenda, tomorrow, being that all ten of us will have arrived in Newport Beach by sometime this evening.

As for Ray’s 11th birthday party  I’d have thought bouncy houses would have been left in his past until I saw the gigantic size of the one that had so easily accommodated the exuberant energy surging so naturally from deep within 9 or 10 prepubescent boys, all of whom were enjoying themselves— thoroughly—as can be seen in the video, below …

  🎂Annie

AN AMBITIOUS DAY

 Whoops, having scrolled back, it became apparent that I forgot about the bee sting, and the post penned, today, is not yet ready for publication.  Why not?  Well—

At 11:30 am I spent an insightful hour via FT with my therapist, Gary.  We discussed my hope to develop a peaceful sense of readiness, which, in this case, will depend upon my acceptance of ‘the unacceptable’.

At 1:30 pm I enjoyed an hour and a half, sitting outside in the shade with Cath, who has been my “adopted daughter’ ever since she was fifteen at which time Barry brought her home during high school.

At 6:30 pm we’re meeting our niece, Beth and her husband, Steve, for dinner.  Beth was my flower girl, and our hearts were touched deeply when they asked all five of us to stand up at their wedding, which took place on our twenty-second anniversary.  Just as I raised three sons, the same is true of Beth and Steve, and our families have remained very close.  As three years have passed since we’re were last together, we four are looking forward to this evening, very much.

An ambitious day, indeed !

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

POOLS PALMS AND THE OCEAN, JUST BEYOND

 

In case you’re wondering what I consider to be an oasis in paradise, here it is, complete with ocean breezes teasing the fronds on palm trees to sway, gently, back and forth while sparkles of sunshine create tiny rainbows on puddles of water as small swimmers splash merrily in the shallow end of the pool.

You can see the ocean beyond the greenery with a partly cloudy sky above.

What can’t be seen from my vantage point are the second and third pools situated between this pool and the ocean, which can be seen beyond the palm trees.  And vital to enhancing this oasis, which enchants our senses, is our family (finding several lounge chairs, shaded by umbrellas) gathering happily together, so big and small can enjoy all of the amenities that serve to create the relaxing nature of resort living that we’re all eager to re-experience, year after year.

As you may recall from years past, the guest bedroom in our condo is enjoyed by David until Steven’s family arrives to join in our family’s heartfelt summer reunion, at which time, David occupies Barry’s guest room (our eldest son’s house being only twenty minutes from the resort).

As to me, I’ll address the personal change that has become apparent when next we meet.

Annie

BEE STING

 Though the writing bug has not caught up with me for several days, that’s naught to do with the bee sting, being that the person stung by the bee was not me

In truth, perhaps I’ve been feeling as though whatever I’d have chosen to post would not be of interest to you.  Or perhaps, having arrived in Newport following our three year absence, due to cancer and COVID, I’ve just been in need of time to get my bearings.

Will and I spent our first night at Barry’s as did David,.  Marie makes us feel so welcome that I believe her feeling for us is as heartfelt as ours for her.

On Sunday, our sons helped Will move our belongings from our car into the condo.  Thankfully, we find ourselves in the building that best suits our needs as the resort is huge with many individual, five story buildings, situated on a series of hillsides that I’d not be able to navigate, which explains why Will always speaks with the front desk manager weeks before our arrival so as to express the reasons why, year after year, we request the same corner condo on the fifth floor that’s in a building on flat terrain, directly across the street from the resort’s lobby, which has a terrace that looks out over an immense, well groomed pool, uh—actually, let’s make that three pools, two hot tubs, a full service bar and a grill where meals can be ordered and enjoyed, poolside.  

The entirety of this resort, which includes additional pools, a play ground, park, sand volley ball court, tennis, basketball, an outdoor movie night and various activities for the kids offers a paradise-like oasis for all ages—which is why we consider our purchase of several weeks (over the years) money very well spent.  How often can a family of ten look forward to vacationing, together, every summer, knowing that all of the amenities (except for food and drink) are offered free to everyone in our family.

And year after year, though the manager in charge of assigning condos to hundreds of time share owners (week after week) has changed from time to time, our personal needs, over these past 15 or I6 years, have always been met with a gracious attitude of compassion that’s appreciated more deeply than words can say.  And so, you can see why, as I mentioned above, best money we ever spent.

Our two bedroom, two bath unit is found on the fifth floor next to the elevator, and our balcony with table and four chairs overlooks the serene composition of an expansive blue sky dissolving into the calming nature of the Pacific Ocean, directly below.  With well manicured flower beds and tropical vegetation amid balmy breezes weaving ever so gently through the dancing branches of a wide variety of trees, serenity is a given wherever the eye may roam..

And as I’m about to join Will for breakfast on our ocean viewed terrace, that’s it for right now

Annie

This view, taken from our fifth floor veranda shows the clear blue sky kissing the expanse of the ocean, and if you enlarge this photo and look closely, a sail boat will be seen gliding through calm waters off to the right.

Oh—as to the bee sting, I’ll address that, tomorrow, being that I’m so relaxed, today.

CALIFORNIA BOUND

 Today, I experienced the conscious awareness of the fact that riding toward happiness feels naturally uplifting.

You see, while driving toward the west coast, we heard from both Barry and David, each of whom expressed eagerness for our arrival, suggestive of the ease with which the loving voices of our sons offer a parent’s spirit reason to smile.  Make that two parents.

So many emotions are called into play on any given day.  And I’m sure it comes as no surprise that happiness proves to be one of my favorites. 

Having FaceTimed with my sister until a mountain range cut off contact, I readied myself for a nap, whereas Will, who’ll drive the whole way to the coast, will arrive tuckered out.  So after greeting everyone with a loving smile, my husband is highly likely to seek out Barry’s huge U-shaped couch, which comfortably seats eight adults—until Papa Will, the patriarch of our family, claims four seats for himself upon which he’ll stretch out and promptly fall fast asleep.  This will work well for the rest of us, as Barry, Marie, David and I will fill the four remaining seats (the boys are spending this weekend with their father), knowing that our conversation will not rouse Dr. Sleepyhead, who’d learned to sleep soundly through anything other than a medical emergency when he’d experienced 36 hour ER shifts during his four year orthopaedic residency.

Annie

PS

Earlier this afternoon, I had to stop blogging. because the GPS on both of our phones refused to speak to us, suggesting why I assumed the role of navigator, so Will could keep his eyes on the road whenever we came close to switching from one highway to another—then, having navigated our way through several traffic jams (welcome to driving, California style), we reached our destination and pulled up to the curb, right outside of Barry’s house for the first time in three years

As Will and I had been ‘parked’ inside our desert home for that length of time, I can’t believe we are actually in California, safe and sound!  And though we remain masked while indoors, our sense of having been set free from solitary confinement feels as spiritually liberating to Will as is true of me!

WINGING IT

Well the car is packed and Will and I are resting in readiness for tomorrow’s six hour (seven if restroom stops are figured in) drive to the coast.

Once we’ve settled in, I’ll text family and friends, all of whom await our arrival with the same degree of eagerness that Will and I feel after cancer and COVID caused three difficult years of separation..

And having clung to the safety of our nest, over these past three years, I feel like a fledgling, mustering the courage to spread my wings and enjoy family and friends who, thankfully, live within twenty minutes of each other.

I’m hoping to feel my low energy level lift, ever so naturally. little by little, while walking around the resort, stopping from time to time to admire colorful flower gardens while reminding myself to inhale the refreshing nature of sea salted air, ever more deeply with a greater sense of consistency.

Annie

HIGH SPIRITED PERFORMANCE ART IN THE TALL PINES

 Today is Thursday

A day of rest in readiness for our drive to CA, bright and early on Saturday morning.

On Friday, Steven and Ravi will be with us to help Papa load the car.  I’ve not seen Ravi for a month as she and Celina and Nani Lupe we’re up north at our cabin where Ravi enjoyed her first adventure with acting camp.  The children rehearsed a musical comedy at The little Community Theater, five days a week for a month before entertaining their audiences with four performances, last weekend.  I loved knowing how eager Ravi was to attend this performance camp where, every day, her happy spirit engaged with children, who became her friends.

Steven, who enjoyed long weekends up north with his family, recorded several moments of Ravi on stage. Once you enlarge the video and locate Ravi (nearest to the sign posts, stage left, back row), keep your eyes on her, and you’ll see her shield her eyes from the stage lights while seeking her daddy and Uncle Scott in the audience.  Upon finding them, she’ll wave happily, not once but twice before resuming the routine, which had occupied the attention of her young thespians, and with a final wave, Ravi’s smile will acknowledge her happiness at having devoted family cheering her on.

As for me, though I missed my precious granddaughter while she was up north and had really wanted to watch her perform, my energy level was so low as to suggest it best to place my disappointment aside so as to feel solely restive during those weeks that Ravi’s spirit had interacted so happily with a group of high spirited children, whose cabins are near to our own.

Today, Will and I are one day away from our great CA adventure (no one’s taking our annual family vacation for granted, this year, that’s for sure!)  Tomorrow, Will and Steven pack the car.  And Saturday—we’re off!

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

👩🏻Humpf!  Video won’t enlarge.  I’ll figure it out.

Delete

Today is Thursday

A day of rest in readiness for our drive to CA, bright and early on Saturday morning.

On Friday, Steven and Ravi will be with us to help Papa load the car.  I’ve not seen Ravi for a month as she and Celina and Nani Lupe we’re up north at our cabin where Ravi enjoyed her first adventure with acting camp, which met to rehearse a musical comedy at The little Community Theater, five days a week for a month before entertaining their audiences with four performances, last weekend.  I loved knowing how eager Ravi was to attend this performance camp where, every day, her happy spirit engaged with children, who became her friends.

Steven, who enjoyed long weekends up north with his family, recorded several moments of Ravi on stage. Once you locate her, nearest to the sign posts, stage left, keep your eyes on her, and you’ll see her shield her eyes from the stage lights while seeking her daddy and Uncle Scott in the audience.  Upon finding them, she’ll wave happily, not once but twice before resuming the routine, which had occupied the attention of her young thespians, and with a final wave, Ravi will have, acknowledged her happiness at having devoted family cheering her on.

As for me, though I missed my precious granddaughter while she was up north and had really wanted to watch her perform, my energy level was so low as to suggest it best to place my disappointment aside so as to feel solely restive during those weeks that Ravi’s spirit had interacted so happily with a group of high spirited children, whose cabins are near to our own.

Today, Will and I are one day away from our great CA adventure (no one’s taking our annual family vacation for granted, this year, that’s for sure!)  Tomorrow, Will and Steven pack the car.  And Saturday—we’re off!

Annie

CHANGE IS IN THE SALTY SEA AIR

I inhale deeply and imagine change for the better whispering through the breeze as I stand on our fifth floor balcony, gazing out over the expanse of the Pacific Ocean, and while breathing in the healing effects of salty sea air—well, anyway, that’s my plan for this Sunday.

Following my most recent surgery and bronchitis, my energy continues to run on fumes.  I’m hoping to find that our five week stay at our timeshare with family (inclusive of Andi and Michael), coming and going, will be so invigorating as to see me feeling eager to walk outside with my trusty companion, my seated walker (instead of walking, back and forth, throughout our home), where, day after day, we’ll freely inhale a refreshing abundance of balmy beach air.

I’m thinking of naming my new walker, which is as eager to step outside of David’s garage as I am eager to step outside after three years of being housebound.  

David assembled the walker and the wheelchair, as well, in readiness for our arrival.   Both were less expensive to buy than to rent for an extended time, and with the wheelchair all ready to go, I hope my energy level will rise to meet the challenge of enjoying family excursions.

Compared to these past five weeks of physical limpness and mental listlessness, my plan for these next five weeks is ambitious to say the least.  If I shoot for the moon and swing on a star, I’ll merit my aspirations wholly successful.  After all, quoting Trish (Steven’s high school girlfriend, who, throughout these many years, has remained one of my two ‘adopted’ daughters) Annie, you are a badass warrior!

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

Snacking on a giant drumstick, Viking style, at the Orange County Fair, several years back

It was awful!

WILL’S SMILE

 I don’t know how Will does this, every day, day after day, especially now that we know the cancer has metasticized, suggesting—well, we all know the serious nature of metastatic disease, so enough said about that, because today’s post is shining the spotlight of conscious awareness upon one of my husband’s personal strengths—namely his unconditional love for me.

When I say— I don’t know how Will ‘does this’, every day, day after day—I’m referring to everything he does for me, wearing a heartfelt smile that serves to shield the many concerns, which, no doubt, have layered up inside his mind, over these past three years.

It goes without saying that Will’s smile entices mine to emerge so naturally that the convergence of both smiles—signifying the depths of our love for each other—buoy bis spirit and mine, throughout each day—day after day.

Need I say that the consistent nature of Will’s smile and mine depend upon courage that’s become so organic as to inspire both of us to awaken to the conscious awareness of enjoying each other’s presence, each and every day, as we no longer take each other’s presence for granted as had been true before life-threatening illness proved more and more serious than ever before.

And so, thank goodness, Will’s smile entices mine to emerge so naturally that the convergence of both smiles—signifying the depths of our love for each other—buoy bis spirit and mine, throughout each day—day after day.

Annie 

           Our 50th anniversary party, six years ago

A MOMENT OF MUCH NEEDED HUMOR

With no clue as to who authored this humorous piece seen below, I definitely identify with every witticism referencing persons of a certain age—and just as this clever compilation of optimizations enticed my smile to come out to play, it’s my hope that the same will hold true of your smile, too

Dear Friends,

I JUST discovered my age group! I am a Seenager (senior teenager).

I have everything  I’d wanted as a teenager, only 55-60 years later. I don't have to go to school or work.

I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don't have a curfew. I have

a driver's license and my own car.

I have ID that gets me into bars and the wine store. I like the wine store best.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant; they aren't scared of anything; they have been blessed to live this long; why be scared?

And I don't have acne.

Life is Good!

Also, if you are a Seenager you will feel much more intelligent after reading this: Brains of older people are slow, because we know so much. People do not decline mentally with age; it just takes us longer to recall facts, because we have much more information stored inside our brains than can be retrieved at a moment’s notice.  Scientists believe this also makes us hard of hearing as it puts pressure on our inner ear.  

Also, older people often go to another room to get something, and when we get there, we stand in place wondering what we came for. This is NOT a memory problem; it is nature's way of making older people exercise throughout the day.

SO THERE!

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names. So please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too.

❤️Annie

NOLAN

  A sad day

 A very sad day

A very dear friend has passed away

Nolan attended high school, college and

Med school with Will

I was introduced to Nolan at age eighteen and

Both Will and I have treasured our friendship with

This warm, caring, kind pediatrician for 60 years

Thank goodness, over these past six decades

Nolan felt the depth of our love in both

Word and deed

Rest In Peace, dear friend

Annie

GOOD OVER EVIL, REPEATEDLY

 One more time—with feeling—

Over these past couple of days, I’ve been in a dark place.  Personally.

And every time Highland Park comes to mind, my heart hurts.  Though I do not know the people who were so savagely wounded or killed, I find myself grieving for all of those who were in the line of fire and the traumatized survivors, extended families and friends, as well.  

 I hurt every time I think about the war we’ve been waging against hatred based, mean-minded bigotry ever since a president was ELECTED (by whom???), whose brutish nature empowered the worst side of human nature to run wild through our streets, terrorizing peace-loving families beyond belief.  Can it be true that ‘the savage beast’ has garnered the strength to overwhelm the kind, loving, compassionate side of human nature throughout our nation?  No way! I say!  Not as long as every good-hearted individual prioritizes his/her right to vote for like-minded candidates, suggesting that united, good will win over evil, repeatedly.

So sayeth I, who recently, have had sound reason to value the precious nature of life more deeply than ever before.  We cannot be so short-sighted as to forget that within every generation, hard hearted power mongers arise throughout the nations of the world, and the USA is no exception to that rule. How many Doctor Jeckles are actually Mr. Hydes under cover of night? 

Bible stories remain classic based in being timely, throughout history, for sound reason.  If Goliath signifies a hitler, ben laden or trump, then who is today’s David?

I think we, who live in The United States of America, have a hard time wrapping our heads around the fact that evil can override good in a nation where the constitution drafted by our founding fathers outlined belief in democratic principles based in the better side of human nature.  However, we have enacted laws of conduct, because both sides of human nature inhabit every nation.  And as happened during WWI and WWII, I believe that the war we’ve been fighting ever since trump unmuzzled and unleashed the worst side of human nature to stomp loudly throughout The USA has awakened our growing awareness of the fact that setting a high value on equality is your responsibility and mine if freedom is to triumph over power mongering anarchy within our lifetime, yet again.  The difference being that today’s anarchists are not across the ocean but within our very midst.

David is not one person.

David symbolizes the combined strength of the kind, caring, loving, compassionate, forgiving side of human nature, which upon re-awakening within each of us, suggests that within every generation, the inherent strength of community based in brotherhood must rise over the savage side of human nature—repeatedly.

So, if quiet good guys continue to outnumber loud mouthed bad guys—and I sure hope that’s true—then all of us with like-minds who strive toward preserving our hard won freedoms must go out to vote for those whose values are in agreement with our own.

If Congress has not worked for the betterment of we who make up the majority of their constituents then is it not time to place a high value upon our right to shake up the status quo at the polls?  

Imagine your vote in the shape of a slingshot.

And if anyone appointed to The Supreme Court of the United States of America has broken any laws then is that person to be held above the law, or can that threat to society be charged with past crimes as would be any other citizen, and then if found guilty, be unseated?

When crimes as deviant as sexual harassment are dismissed that opens the door to outright abuse.  Just saying.

Annie

CANCER COVID HATE CRIMES AND HAPPILY EVER AFTER

 So, you know how we’re told to ‘sleep on it’ when conflict resolution remains too foggy to unclog, overlong?  Well upon awakening this morning, I experienced the insight-driven dawning of three primary reasons, which, having combined into a bogged down trifecta, caused my current bout with mental strain to feel so complex as to have overwhelmed my processor, though, individually, none of these unresolved concerns has remained unnamed—

CANCER—threatening my life and that of my friends

COVID—new strains quick to sabotage vaccines

HATE CRIMES—unleashed to kill families at will

How does an intelligent, fast-thinking, solution-seeking mind, connected to an excessively empathetic heart, overcome feeling utterly overwhelmed when serious illness and several life saving surgeries in less than two years time have saddled my days with energy shortages that literally dizzy my mind?

I’d say that my subconscious Fixer, which has been shouldering weights as heavy as each of the three mentioned above, has offered my deeply stressed mind and saddened spirit sound reason to seek a safe haven to hideout from grieving too deeply over life’s harsh realities—wouldn’t yours?  And thus do we come to see how a processor, so severely taxed as to have been operating on overload for several years, craves to spend hours, every day, keeping company with one dimensional characters, who live their lives in novels where every problem, dilemma, relationship and conflict is consistently resolved, ending with—good people all living happily ever after.

Bottom line—I’ve gained the insight to see that having dedicated my life to offering love unconditionally finds me continually seeking out the clarity necessary to carve out a personal path where one change for the better leads toward the next so intuitively that my mind, heart and spirit remain strongly connected to the positive attitude of—never give up on yourself—ensuring that during those dark times when crises temporarily overwhelms peace of mind, my connection to inner peace remains as clear to me as a rainbow streaming across a blue sky that seems to go on forever … and though I can’t ‘fix’ the world or my body, I can rebalance my mind—and thank goodness for having gained insight into a personal strength as naturally self-empowering as that!

Annie

IT’S ALWAYS DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN

 I actually felt better after releasing some of my angst while writing yesterday’s diatribe.

During recent weeks, writing has not come easy as my thoughts wander into places that feel too dark for me to single out and comprehend the complexity of emotions churning inside my head with anything resembling clarity.  I sure do wish an insight would dawn on me, spotlighting the primary reason why my mind feels so sluggish.

All I want to do is to lie down and occupy my mind by reading one light-weight, feel-good novel after another.

Based in brain fog and lack of energy, I’m having a hard time organizing for our annual trip to enjoy family on the west coast.  Good thing I began to organize (with Edie’s help) weeks before Will and I make the drive.

 Hopefully, being with everyone on the coast will coax my mindset to lighten up.  Due to cancer and COVID, this will be our first trip to the coast (or anywhere else), over these past three years.

Annie

AN EXPLOSIVE FOURTH OF JULY

Terrible day in Highland Park, Il. as well as for everyone throughout the country who is sane enough to feel the need to vote for serious measures of gun control.  One minute everyone’s celebrating—the next offers terrified screams of horrified disbelief!  Seems to me that a person buying an assault weapon should be arrested and jailed on the spot BEFORE a demented mind can kill at will.  And as thoughts of recent Supreme Court rulings come to mind—if we haven’t yet hit bottom as a nation, we sure are closing in on it.

On the home front, twice daily, David turns on the theme to Rocky, enticing me to walk throughout the house, holding his hand and Will ‘s.

At Barry’s suggestion, I’ve ordered and sent a wheelchair to his address, which will enable me to be mobile on family outings.  Made more sense to own than to rent, as often as we hope to drive to the west coast, during the coming year..

As Mickey has COVID, my sister, Sharon and her husband have cancelled this week’s trip and plan to visit us in Sept.  Actually, that change works best for me, too, as I’ll continue to organize for our stay on the coast and rest up until we drive to Newport Beach.

Andi and our friend Judy are coming over to BBQ with us, later in the day. (Their husbands are in Philly, baby sitting while Andi’s son, Ryan, and his family are vacationing.  Who are they babysitting?  Winston.  Ryan’s dog.  As both guys are Philly born and bred, they’re having a ball visiting old haunts and downing comfort food at local dives—favorites, forever.  What wouldn’t I give for a hot, soft Philly pretzel!)  irregardless of the heat, David agreed to take charge of grilling cheeseburgers to perfection, and as they were tender, juicy and well seasoned, we agreed that his backyard culinary talents fulfilled his promise.

Steven, Celina and Ravi are enjoying a quintessential, small town 4th of July at the cabin amid the tall pines, up north.  Over these past couple of years, they’ve chosen to create a float with friends, rather than sitting curbside, watching as the annual parade passes by (which proves pretty impressive).  They’ve spend days creating a float with a message in readiness to line up on the main drag with all of the other homemade floats, many of which are literally covered with red, white and blue balloons, and if that sight doesn’t arouse your heartfelt sense of patriotism then the music emanating from loud speakers is sure to do the trick.  Following the parade, a fair, spreading across the golf course, welcomes one and all, big and small, to celebrate The Fourth, Pinewood style.  At the end of all those festivities, dinner is bbq’d on their deck while night descends with sparklers dancing in children’s hands, after which they FaceTime us before heading off to bed.  Though shortages caused fireworks to be sorely missed, t’was plain to see that Independence Day was enjoyed by all. 

Every time Steven sends photos, I think of the many happy memories that Ravi is making at our cabin, and my heart smiles.

As there’s a widespread ban on public Fireworks, this year, I’d expected to hear snap-crackles-and-pops taking place in neighborhoods, here, there, everywhere.  including outside of Barry’s house where, hopefully, everyone used common sense concerning pairing fireworks with cautionary measures that plainly state—safety first!

With hopes that you’re enjoying a restful Independence Day with loved ones —be well and please, stay safe,

Annie

      Tony is next to Barry with Ray and Marie behind 

Legal Fireworks

       Steven’s Crew   Ravi is next to Celina (in green)

A MIXED BAG OF NEWS

 Yesterday’s appointment with my oncologist offered up good news and not so good news.  As of right now, no tumors are present; however, microscopic cancer cells are sighted in my blood.  On a scale from 100-0, these cells in my blood rate 4.6, so that’s good.  I’ll have these blood tests, every few weeks.  My next one is scheduled for this coming Tuesday.

Within each of us, our immune systems have two genes that stop cancer cells from multiplying.  Unfortunately, mine have mutated and are dysfunctional.

With that information, my ability to muster my sense of courage had need of a boost.  In fact, at times, my name seems synonymous with Colonel Custer.  Then again, I continue to keep my spirit afloat by counting my blessings, of which there are many.

On the positive side, no tumors sighted suggest no reason to start chemo, so I can leave for the Coast in two weeks, as planned.  Upon our return, a PET scan and chest CT will, once again, be scheduled.  If nothing unwelcome appears then we’ll stay clear of chemo, again.

And as I can feel my lack of energy refueling, little by little, day by day, I’m planning to enjoy time spent with family and friends, all of whom, following three years of absence due to cancer and COVID, are eagerly awaiting our arrival,

Tis definitely time for change for the better!  And how!

Annie

ON READINESS TO PASS THE BATON OF FAMILIAL LEADERSHIP

So, yesterday, I wrote about preparedness sparking self confidence, and as one insight leads to more, I’ve come to understand that having never been challenged by a prognosis of stage four cancer, I’ve been feeling utterly unprepared to handle such a dire situation, knowing there’s nothing I can do to improve it.

In fact whenever I’m not reading one light-weight novel after another, my imagination, if left on its own, conjures up scenarios fraught with tumors emerging, here, there, everywhere.  And that makes me think I have to truly train my mind to focus on each day as it comes without expecting myself look ahead while maintaining my role as my family’s guiding light.  

The reality of this life threatening illness has challenged my self image to change my perspective concerning my life-long role as an over-achiever.  As you can imagine, it’s not easy to relax my brain and just go with the flow. On the other hand, with that insight in mind, it may be time to pass the baton of familial leadership that’s been mine ever since the birth of my trio of sons.

Actually, having gained insight into my need to embrace such a mind-blowing change has freed a sense of inner conflict to emerge, offering all of me sound reason to release a heartfelt sigh of relief concerning letting go of the stressed sense of emotional tension that I’ve been carrying inside my head as of late.  And having identified this reason for mental conflict, my sense of wholeness, newly regained, encourages me to believe that my processor (which has felt stuck in a rut for weeks) may actually be gearing up to near a clearing where my discombobulated sense of mental fatigue can turn off its motor, relax and recoup energy spent while spinning its wheels, getting nowhere other than remaining caught in a bog.  And if it’s true that an intensely stressed sense of subconscious conflict is in the process of being replaced by a mindful awareness of clarity spotlighting my need to stop my brain from shifting into overdrive then implementing my plan to pass the baton of leadership over to these four men in whom I place my trust will offer my over-taxed processor the freedom to relax in the passenger seat and re-energize, all in my own good time.  Whew! 

Annie

Have you read Jonathan Livingston Seagull?

Once the lead bird tires and begins to fall back, the formation of the flock changes ever so slightly in that the strength of another bird’s wing span flies straight into the headwind while, for the most part, the original leader coasts on the backdraft so naturally that these birds of a feather instinctively continue to fly—through blue skies or windswept storms—together, leaving no one behind to fend for himself.