1. WE’VE REACHED THAT AGE WHERE NEVER A DULL MOMENT IS ROCKING OUR BOATS

 Yesterday, I received this text from a dear friend of more than forty years, who had open heart surgery in Houston Bout twenty years back when I was busy with brain surgery—

Hi Annie,

, I had decided months ago not to tell you about my heart problems because even if  you only worried a tiny bit, I felt you had enough on your plate. Since August I was fairly incapacitated...I wasn’t getting enough oxygen so I was extremely weak and very scared from the wild palpitations and arrhythmias. Most of that is gone now after the ablation today. The Dr couldn’t get the worst spot but he did cauterize the next largest areas of atrial flutter and much more. I’m so happy feeling like myself again after these last awful months.  I hope you’re feeling even better than last week and getting stronger by the minute!! Love to you, Will and your entire crew! 😍B

My reply—

Dear Barbara,

You were right—I did have a reaction to yesterday’s text, which is why I couldn’t reply till today.  So I truly appreciate your insight and caring concerning waiting till my lack of physical and emotional strength began to recoup.

In addition to Covid, You, Joyce and I have been experiencing deeply trying times, and each time I think of Joyce’s break up with Bob, I feel so sad—they had been so in love, and he’d be taking such good care of her, 24/7, just as I’m sure Skip’s love holds you as tenderly as Will’s love shelters me.  (Joyce’s battle with a serious cancer is on-going.  Her beloved husband succumbed to lung cancer about fifteen years back, and several years ago, her happiness with a widower and his with her had shone forth so naturally from both pairs of eyes that romance brightened the air with every breath their starry-eyed smiles seemed to share .

Yesterday, while I was absorbing your  (Barbara’s) news, none of these thoughts lined up inside my mind; my heart was too busy calming emotional unrest to hope to free my processor to think in such a well organized fashion so as to express my love clearly for you and Joyce, too.  I hope to hear that you are feeling better and better, every day.  And when the temp permits and you are able, let’s plan to e joy each other—you and Skip sitting in comfort on our patio rocking chairs, we just inside our Arcadia door.

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️🌈🌻Annie

PS my take on the disastrous nature of last night’s presidential debate, tomorrow

ONCE AGAIN, THE MOOD OF THE HUMAN SPIRIT PROVES TO BE A MIXED BAG

 First off, considering our stage of life, I feel relieved, this morning, to know that a dear friend in the Midwest is feeling better after undergoing a medical procedure, several days back!  Thank goodness, for antibiotics when bodily temps are on the rise ...

Though last evening was wonderful, with Steven, Ravi, Andi and Mike on our patio, I didn’t feel well, later and still don’t feel well, this morning, and how I feel physically determines my spirit’s current mood, so though my spiritual celebration—NO CHEMO— is on pause, I know, for certain, it will dance a jig once I’m feeling better, hopefully, a little later on ....

Being that I focus on maintaining a peaceful state of mind, I admit to fearIng tonight’s debate.  This time around, I wish each presidential candidate, along with their running mates, could debate as teams.  Together, Joe and Kamala would surely blow the two blowhards deep into Siberia, where trump’s Significant debts await the bite of many pounds of flesh owed to his buddy, Putin ...

Hopefully m, we’ll just have to see whether something will ring the positively focused bell inside my brain to inspire me FEEL as personally blessed as I know myself to be even if our nation goes to hell in a hand basket before our wide open eyes. 👩🏻❤️

SHANA TOVA! 2020

We, the Jewish people, who continue to reside and flourish all over the world, look forward to celebrating Kol Nidra eve, which commences our traditional, most holy holiday of Yom Kippur.  During the beautiful, deeply meaningful chanting of Kol Nidra, Irwin and I and our loved ones stand in silence, listening to the canter’s melodic rendition of this prayer that readies us to fast for 24 hours, from sundown to sundown as we begin to atone in hopes of cleansing our souls of all of our sins committed grievously, over the last year.  Pre-Covid, our congregation would have assembled together, and while denying our bodies sustenance, we’d pray as one for the humility to ask forgiveness from those we transgressed against, over this past year.  So how is this year different from all other years during your lifetime and mine?  If you continue to choose to shelter at home as seriously as Will and I do and if your climate cooperates, then you’ll consume your dinner, tonight, indoors, sitting next to your Arcadia door, while dear friends, who are bringing dinner, will arrange all of the fixings on our patio table, and after our spirits ignite S one, upon listening to the awe inspiring, unchanging rendition of Kol Nidra floating through the air via our connection to cable, Will and I and Shelly and 

MayJerry will turn on our cell phone speaker systems so as to enjoy each other’s company quarantine style.

As y 

 I find it astonishing to note that depths of pain can be so overwhelming as to isolate a person's mind from remaining actively involved in anyone's life no matter how deeply loved family and friends continue to be.  I'm relieved to know that the numbness, brought on by my survival instincts, over these past several weeks, is thawing, naturally, in direct proportion to depth of pain (and pain meds) diminishing ... 🙋🏻‍♀️  

FOR MY AUNT ROSE

For unknown reason, late last night, I felt compelled to send an e-mail to my Aunt Rose, who, on her way to 97, was sadly fated to have lost her sight and hearing.

Dearest Aunt Rose,

As I continue to work toward recovering from seven months of chemo followed by undergoing two recent surgeries (sternum in the front and the next day, removal of ribs from my back in order to resect my heart and lung), I continue to draw more from my inner strengths than any life threatening surgery experienced in years past, but please know that the brief explanation above of this past year of my life is not a pity party, because beyond the pain is the fact that I feel blessed to have been a candidate for these life saving procedures, developed by two brilliant surgeons, whose expertise, combined with the talents of the oncologist who continued to readjust my chemo until the harsh combination of meds attacked the tumor more than attacking my body’s natural ability to produce blood.

And so, if we all experience burdens at every stage of life, I am grateful to come from family stock that perseveres courageously through whatever personal hardship fate doles out, knowing that attitude is everything, and working toward embracing peace of mind is integral to experiencing happiness, day after day, simply because of my conscious awareness of this fact—my precious husband, sons and grandchildren are healthy, and with my good fortune, clearly in the forefront of my mind, my attentive connection to positive focus continues to step forward on the path toward making a complete recovery, step by step.

It’s after midnight.  Irwin and I were readying ourselves for bed, when, suddenly, I felt like writing to you, and the train of thought, above, poured out of my heart so intuitively that after enclosing my love for you (and Irwin’s, too), I’ll send this email to Bruce, knowing that he’ll read it aloud, conveying the depths of my appreciation for being ‘a Goodman Girl’, suggesting that the host of inner strengths that I’ve absorbed and depended upon during trying times came from both sides of my family, empowering my spirit (and my sister’s spirit) to overcome whatever may have overwhelmed another person, who had not as many strong role models after whom to pattern my development as I’ve continued to become the woman I know myself to be, today.

With so much love, respect and admiration, I’m so glad you are my beloved aunt.

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️🌈🌻Heidi

Sent from my iPad

MY APPRECIATION OF LIFE AND LOVE THROUGHOUT THE PANDEMIC OF 2020

Last Friday, my dear high school friend, Susan, spent precious time with her dear friend, Shelly, whom she’s not seen since March, though, until the pandemic changed all of our lives, they’d enjoyed dinner, together, every Monday night.

As I remember enjoying Shelly, once or twice in the Midwest, before her traumatizing horrific accident, about 30 years ago (memory recalls not a clue about her husband), I asked Susan to convey my best wishes to Shelly and her family for a sweet and peaceful New Year—hopefully, with Biden’s intelligence heading up the Oval Office, making lawful, compassionate decisions in hopes of bettering life for one and all —

Many years ago, the freak accident that severed the nerves in Shelly’s spine from her arms and legs terrified me so completely that anxiety erupts, even today.

Shelly and her mom were visiting her fTher’s grave when the blade of an automatic lawn mower flew through the air, landing in such a way on Shelly’s back so as to sever nerves in Susan’s beloved friend’s spine—changing Shelly’s life and that of her family, forever.

Over this past year, I’ve felt as though a freak, life changing accident happened to me.

Whereas, to my good fortune, modern medicine offered my heart and lung a miracle cure, Shelly continues to await a breakthrough in stem cell research, which may be derailed, yet again, if trump hurries through yet another rightest appointment, replacing the wisdom that graced the chair belonging to Ruth Bader Ginsburg for many a year ...

Seventeen years ago, when my cardiac and thoracic surgeons were young within their fields of expertise, two dear friends, diagnosed with lung cancer, succumbed to this dreaded illness, which, hopefully, I’ve been cured of.  I state that belief in curative medicine with conviction for this reason—upon declaring me a likely candidate for surviving both life saving procedures, administered one day apart, every mega brain on my medical team concurred that they would not have me endure the difficult recovery that I’m currently making my way through unless the series of studies that led me toward candidacy indicated the ‘surety’ of dual surgeries being CURATIVE in nature.  And it’s the word CURATIVE that offered my intelligence sound reason to take many leaps of faith, during these misery packed, pain ridden twelve months in which my entire sense of self has worked wholeheartedly upon regaining a mindful connection to good health, which my shocking diagnosis had torn away from my personal connection to safety until the oncology team of masterminds in Houston gifted my deeply shaken connection to peace of mind with the word CURATIVE, which I take out of my mind to polish up, daily.

And now, being that everyone I love is inclusive of you, please stay well and go in peace, dear friends,  because you and our life long friendship with brotherhood are two of my heartfelt, irreplaceable treasures.

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️😘Annie

LET’’S CHECK OUT MY NEW YEAR, 2020—WHY? JUST TO REVIEW REASONS FOR FEELING AS GRATEFUL AS I DO

 Each day, I awaken, wishing for a sweet and healthy, peaceful New Year with intelligence reawakening within the Oval Office, where leadership will make decisions that better life for one and all.

On Sundays, we’ve been Zooming with our three sons while watching Cardinal games; the first two of the season were both fun and deeply satisfying, especially since the Card’s ran away with both wins, making our precious family time, enjoyably relaxing rather than of the -anxiety-producing-on-the-edge-of-our-seats-most-common variety-of-NFL-watching.

Each time five year old Ravi is aware of all of us clustered on her daddy’s iPad, she, costumed and with scepter waving overhead, takes center stage, ‘making our day’, as each of us has missed interacting with our munchkin’s magical antics more than words can convey.  That, in and of itself, indicates how beloved this child is as I can personally attest to the fact that until her birth, no male in our family allowed a female to run interference with the hallowed tradition of football on Sunday.

As nine year old Ray’s favorite team is the Card’s, he pops into view, now and then, on Barry’s screen to flash us a smile and ask for the score while, generally, ten year old Tony remains absorbed with his favorite video games in another room.

Celina and Marie stop to say hi but offer no hint of becoming true blue fans ... at least, not yet😊

Rosh Hashanah offered us additional reasons to give thanks for our good fortune as, on Friday, Jill and Bob dropped off a delicious brisket with all the fixings, which Will and I enjoyed on one side of our Arcadia door while Steven and Ravi picnicked on our patio table, as seen in the photo, below.

On Saturday, Andi and Mike, Judy snd Julian brought a delicious dinner inclusive of a moist, homemade honey cake, which we all enjoyed, together, though Will and I did not leave the house, and our friends, dining on our patio, refrained from coming in.  In need of bathroom breaks indicated time to go home, which, thank goodness, is near by.

Today will be quiet until sundown when my niece, Jessica, and her husband, Shawn appear on our patio (with their dinner) along with their two adorable, lap-sized darkly fluffy pups, so we can enjoy the holiday, together—they, too will picnic on our patio table with fan all a-spin, overhead; while we enjoy challah and left overs, next to our Arcadia door, inside the house, and we four will share virtual hugs until the possibility of any of us falling victim to Covid has passed. 

By spreading the comings and goings of family and friends throughout the week, Will and I have been able to include our loved ones’ hearts without taxing my own, which is still in need of time to heal completely, as I remain short of breath and can’t yet muster the energy to interact socially for more than an hour, at which time, my eyes simply begin to close, signaling my brain’s need to doze.

For the most part, Will and I are just beginning to enjoy making dates with friends, two at a time, on our patio, after sundown, as, month after month, we continue to make the best of peering hungrily at our loved ones through the glass of our Arcadia door.

And whenever a natural sense of frustration concerning on-going isolation tackles my homemade connection to peace of mind, my intuitive intelligence whispers—Annie—everyone you love is healthy and safe so please feel so fortunate as to wholly relax—and spontaneously, upon calming down, my smile appears for sound reason on the spot  ...

As to all beloved family and friends, near and far, I hope your precious families stay healthy and safe, as well.  Will joins me in knowing how happy we’ll all be to enjoy each other’s company for real as a vaccination vanquishes Covid, once and for all!

Wishing a happy, healthy, peaceful New Year to Everyone as Rosh Hashana celebrate the birthday of the world

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️😘Annie

HEARTFELT WISHES TO REGAIN MISSING PEACE

 I feel so fortunate to say that though we’ve been quarantined for close to seven months, our Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashana, celebrating the birthday of the world, offered me sound reason to feel content based in the fact that, though alone together in our home, Will and I spent this holiday weekend nurtured by the loving presence of family and friends on our patio.  On FaceTime.  On Zoom.

And enclosed, along with our loving wishes for a happy, healthy New Year, we hope November offers sound reason for all of us to regain a sense of peace that’s been missing, over these last four years.  Will joins me in sending our love, wrapped in heartfelt hugs, around the world,

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️Annie

RUTH BADER GINSBURG

 On Friday, September 18, 2020

We lost a great statesperson, who’d

Devoted her life to crusading for

Freedom and justice for all.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg defied

Cancer several times as if

Her will to live was strengthened by

The knowledge that her presence on

The bench was imperative until

trump had been drummed out of

The Oval Office by

A band of blue hammering at

Our nation’s desperate need of

Change for the better in home after home

Unfortunately, as self empowered as

Ruth BADER Ginsburg proved to be

Death trumped her desire to

Remain firmly ensconced on

The bench until the leadership of

Our nation has passed from

trump’s immoral underhandedness into

Biden’s heartfelt attitude of

All for one and one for all 

And with that difference clearly stated

I wish Ruth Baden Ginsberg—

A woman admired ever so rightfully

Throughout the world at large—

A well deserved, deeply respected and 

Eternally peaceful—Good night ...

POETIC FRIENDSHIP BRIGHTENS MY SPIRIT’S HEARTFELT HOPES FOR A BETTER YEAR, DIRECTLY AHEAD OF US, ALL

Once again, my very first friend in high school, Dodie, ignites my spirit’s cheerful connection to gratitude as she gifts me, pretty much weekly, with her positively focused, poetic trains of thought—today’s poem was received seven weeks after two life saving surgeries in Houston, spaced one day apart—thank you, dear friend, for being so like-minded as to treasure my friendship as much as I do yours🙋🏻‍♀️❤️

TO A BETTER NEW YEAR
By Dodie Brusin Levine

As our New Year approaches
This Friday night
My prayers for hope,
Change and understanding
Will be in sight.
I hope for better times
To share with family and friends
For change and understanding
Across the globe
From end to end.
Peace, no question,
Fairness for all,
And of course, a solution
To combat Covid
That doesn’t stall.
But mostly
I will think of and say a prayer
For better health and solace to those
Who have suffered their share.
Listen as I ask for
Better times to return
And soften the heartache
Unfortunately, many have learned.
I need to see goodness and caring
For each other
I need to feel kindness
Toward one another.
So much I want for all of us this year
But an unmasked face
Not possible, I fear.

A HAPPY HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO ONE AND ALL SEPT 2020

It does my spirit good to know that some who make up my extended family and friends have been venting their political frustrations by participating with like-minds in positively focused, proactive activities, such as fund raisers, designed to get out the vote.

After returning from my labs at Mayo, on Tuesday, we received a call from Taylor, my internist’s assistant, suggesting we hightail it over to get our flu shots given in the parking lot, that same day, after which I rested for awhile (smart) until the over achiever in me surprisingly loosened the reins of my brain (not smart), and I found myself spunkily unpacking clothes, which had remained untouched during these past three weeks since our return from Houston.

At any rate, before I knew what had hit me, my pain level heightened, and I began to feel physically worse than had been true for most of this week, so all I ate for dinner was chicken soup, which suggests why we decided to save our friend, Susie’s home made dinner for Wed. night, in hopes of my feeling well enough to relish all of the love with which she’d flavored each dish.

I took it exceptionally slow on Wed., having accepted the fact that recovery takes two steps forward, one back.  Then, both Will and I began to  enjoy several meals, stacked on our refrigerator shelves, as dear friends make certain that Mother Hubbard’s cupboard is not bare!  And each heartfelt demonstration of love, coming so soon after David’s departure, is deeply soothing, for sure.  (Perhaps, we’ve been inundated with dinner offers in hopes of nourishing our spirits after David’s leave taking became public knowledge.)

Yesterday, I spoke with my internist, a brilliant mother of three, whose delight, concerning these first six weeks of recovery, was palpable upon my disclosure that need for hydrocodone has decreased from 60 mg daily to 20 mg.

Following this week’s blood test at Mayo and flu shots administered in the parking lot, and my dear friend Susie’s loving delivery of a home made dinner, we enjoyed a surprise delivery of Philly cheesesteaks from Andi’s thoughtful son, Ryan, who, before moving to Philly, had been one of the crew who’d considered our residence as their private clubhouse, every weekend when group sleepovers burst into bloom, beginning in first grade, continuing throughout all four years of high school, suggesting, once again, that much to our pleasure, what goes around comes around.

Then yesterday, another neighbor offered to make us dinner, so I asked if we could accept her kindness, next week, being that our fridge is stuffed with love, and in the holiday spirit, a brisket and all of the high holiday trimmings were just delivered by Jill so as be enjoyed, tonight, with Steven, Celina and Ravi.  As to left overs, they’ll be enjoyed after zooming football, family style, on Sunday, because Andi, Mike, Judy and Julian plan to prepare and enjoy a socially distanced holiday meal on our patio, Saturday night, while Will and I participate from inside our home, next to the Arcadia door, once sundown eases the brutal heat of the desert sun.  And did I mention that three separate florists rang our doorbell, today?  Seriously—what could have been a sad lonely holiday weekend has become yet another reason why Will and I feel immeasurably blessed with an abundance of love flowing freely, back and forth. 

With David’s departure, we’ve been searching for quality TV to occupy our minds, evenings.  So far, the only well written series we’ve not yet seen seems to be The Gilmore Girls, produced 20 years ago, and much to my delight, it proves so entertaining that both Will and I have been hooked, binging with nostalgia for that earlier time when loved ones, now deceased, had participated wholeheartedly in our lives.  We’ve also begun to enjoy another, more sophisticated Australian comedy, Rake, and as Covid lingers, additional recommendations will be deeply appreciated with this caveat—unfortunately, Will can’t remain awake when dialogue requires subtitles—oh well, thank goodness it’s football season, and I’ve become a fan, though ‘too many games‘ in a row sees me retreat to our bedroom where I indulge in The Crown, which also brings forth my husband‘s snores😴

And as that brings me up to snuff, I’m publishing today’s post infused with the mouth watering aroma of traditional holiday dishes warming in our oven, none of which will have been made, this year, by me as each one appeared outside our front door in the loving hands of friendship, along with a trio of colorful bouquets of love, from both near and far ....🙋🏻‍♀️❤️

WHEN YOU GLANCE MY WAY, PLEASE DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL SHIVERING ALONE IN THE COLD

In response to my cousin Harry’s loving New Year wish and commentary concerning my strength of spirit, here is my brain’s over active reply—

Thank you, Harry.  Hopefully, no matter the challenge, my will to enjoy many years ahead in good health with my family and friends will adhere to the path carved out by my parents.  

This past year, inclusive of trump, protests spotlighting the ongoing nature of human injustice, misdiagnosed cancer, need to quarantine, over long, furious fires poluting air quality with such an unhealthy abundance of ash and smoke as to be unfit to breathe throughout  CA, Oregon, WA, Wyoming, Montana and so on, throughout the western states where AZ is setting blazing hot records while tornados, swirling throughout the Midwest and hurricanes sweeping toward the southeast with such defiance as to smash through town after town as if human dwellings are made of matchsticks ... what more may we have to contend with if trump tantrums on Twitter, non stop, upon losing or even worse, where shall we choose to live in peace if he with the demented think tank—wins!

If we don't refocus our intelligence toward how best to recreate a better quality of life by saving our nation and planet from human destruction then our innate power of intuitive thought will be consumed by runaway fear coupling with fury grown so explosive as to burn our spirits' natural bent toward embracing positive attitudes to a crisp, leaving us crying in half empty cups as climate change and political Tomfoolery overwhelm our brains' natural desire to stand, strongly reunited, fully intent upon  repairing each layer of corrosive damage, with which narrow minded complacency has left us to contend, forsooth (Thank goodness, Shakespeare feels need to keep an eye on me so as to know when to spread his wingspan and swoop down from on high in hopes of reminding my over active brain to wind down my soliloquy since I’ve vented more than enough for right now.

As you can see, maintaining a zen state of inner peace presents quite a challenge to a mind that proves as over active as Is mine when left on its own, overlong.  And as I have a doctor's appt. coming up, I'll send you and yours our best wishes for a happy, healthy New Year, wrapped in lots of love before calling it a wrap for today.
❤️🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

DAVID’S LEAVE-TAKING ...

After being 110% emotionally supportive throughout these first fragile six weeks of my recovery, David is leaving to drive across the desert, today, and as a natural state of separation anxiety grips both of our minds, I understand why intuitive thought fed my need to write yesterday’s insight-driven post.

As during David’s drive home the temp will climb beyond 100 degrees
I question whether my precious son has thought to take enough water?

As he’s driving my car to the coast, does David know where to swipe open
The secret compartment which stores the plug to recharge his iPhone?

In case of a breakdown, does he have a hat handy, and why have I been
Up since 6am considering David’s safety as I would my own?

Because my inability to separate my personal safety from that of
My loved ones has grown too deeply ingrained within my mind to
Change for the better at this late stage of my life, and therefore
The best I can do to stop tormenting myself with ‘the unknown’ is to
Consciously acknowledge and accept the primary reason why
I’ve been a control freak since my baby sister’s unexpected death when
I was three, and basic survival instincts reigned supreme ...

Having come to know myself as well as I do, today
My current state of mental unrest is highly likely to
Remain stuck in the distant past, causing me
To feel unable to inhale and exhale freely until
David calls to say—I’ve arrived, safe and sound ...

PS
When David knocked on our bedroom door to
Kiss his beloved parents ‘so long’
We exchanged loving words before
I asked:  Do you have water? A hat?
Is your phone plugged in?
Yes.  Yes.  Yes.  Smile.  Smile.
And much to my surprise, once
Our responsible, adult son backed out of
Our garage, I exhaled with a sigh of relief as
Separation anxiety began to relax its hold onto
My healthy heart, freeing today’s
Healthy train of insight-driven, intuitive thought to
Expand my healthy lungs to absorb oxygen more
Naturally, based in the fact that
My open-minded participation in
EMDR therapy has offered me sound reason to
Identify the emergence of my personal foibles with
The intuitive clarity necessary to
Stop flogging myself for no good reason
And having landed upon this up note only
Minutes after David’s timely departure
I’ll end today’s post—which has gifted me with
A string of insights spotlighting
Change for the better, after all, with
A hearty rebalanced—hooray!

INTUITION TAMES MY FEAR OF WHAT WILL FOLLOW tRUMP’S LOSS

I fear that if trump loses the upcoming election
His immaturity will not concede to Biden calmly
I fear that if trump loses the upcoming election
He will not leave the White House peaceably
I fear that if trump refuses to leave the premises
We have no clue as to what the military will choose to do
I fear that over these last four years, we have witnessed why
Adolfos Huxley had the foresight to write Brave New World
Aha!  Perhaps intuition has just offered me reason to reread
Brave New World from beginning to end in hopes of
Spotlighting astute reasons to concentrate my focus upon
The innate connection between human nature’s
Host of inner strengths and each generation’s
Heartfelt desire to create an expansive sense of
Change for the better whenever we witness
The inner strength of intuitive thinking arising from
Within the depths of my brain so as to expand
A fearful mindset to ready itself to embrace
An insight driven attitude of
Positively focused questioning based in
Eons of wisdom passed from one generation to the next
And with eons of insight-driven wisdom whispering into
My ear, my fear of what will follow if trump loses
The upcoming presidential election mellows as
Naturally as fruit planted in fertile ground and nurtured in
A temperate climate ripens to maturity on the vine
And yet again do we come to see how
Engaging mindfully with the powers inherent in
Intuitive thinking empowers each of us to feel
So much better than is true whenever
Our brains mindlessly.marinate raw fear, over night, on
The subconscious grill that ignites
An inflamed sense of self flagettafion with which
We flog ourselves into holding oneself accountable for
The well being of every person who ever crosses our paths ...
And thus do we come to see why a child, who has
Experienced traumatic reason to grow up feeling
Subconsciously responsible for everyone’s safety
Has need to restrengthen her connection to
Peace of mind upon arising—every day

SUDDENLY, SEEING trump AS A UNIFYING FACTOR

So, David and I have been lying, companionably, side by side, on my bed where I’ve been thinking aloud, looking for a silver lining concerning the presidential election, and here’s how my current train of thought offered me reason to lessen my fear of anarchy on Nov. 4th—no matter who wins, trump’s despicable attitudes, words, actions and behaviors are bound to become the common enemy that empowers blacks, whites and Hispanics to band together and outnumber the red hats as never before.

I feel this way, because organized protestors, who once were all black, are now mixed, and when David and his friends participated, peaceably, in LA, he said their experiences of unity was so heartfelt as to be palpable...❤️

Annie👩🏻🌈🌻

BRYCE AND ASHLEY—ANDI AND MIKE

The good news is the fact that over this past holiday weekend, Bryce and his girlfriend of five years, Ashley, rented a car, drove here from CA and stayed in an Airbnb.  Cancer and Covid had separated us for more than a year.

The bad news is that the temperature reached a high hovering around 115 degrees.

The good news is that Bryce and Ashley are young, healthy and too smart to have sweltered in the staggering heat, suggesting their decision not to visit on our covered patio (with fan whirring overhead) until 7pm, at which time we ordered a non contact delivery of Bbq brisket sandwiches, roasted corn and fries.

The bad news is, I found myself overwhelmed by their visit.  Why?  Perhaps because we discussed current events, which I’ve held at bay for many a month as if all the courage I could muster had need to focus solely on numbing the depths of my fear concerning the 7cm size of my tumor as well as the serious nature of the heart/lung surgery, which awaited just beyond many months of chemo, which saw me hospitalized, several times.

The good news is, perhaps, at this stage of my recovery, I’m beginning to identify intellectually with the emotional readiness to reconnect with those aspects of reality that have been scaring most everyone I know out of their wits—for sound reason.

More good news—

Perhaps the focus of my courage is beginning to lean away from numbing my fear of succumbing to cancer toward reconnecting meaningfully with the ills of the world at large, as F’d up as they prove to be.

Thankfully, today’s temp dropped to 89 degrees, stimulating Andi and Mike to enjoy a visit on our patio, later in the afternoon.  And by adding Will, David and myself into the equation, all five of us are eager to enjoy happy hour, together, separated by our Arcadia door.  I say that because Andi led me to believe that she may bring a bottle of wine while my pain meds and I indulge in a Virgin Bloody Mary, and as to the men—I have no clue as to whether they plan to imbibe in this or that as we all lift our glasses and offer a heartfelt toast to the lasting nature of our friendship through thick and thin  ... 🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

HAS REALITY DARKENED MY POSITIVE MINDSET FOR SOUND REASON?

 Until last weekend, my attitude concerning Biden creating change for the better soon after winning the upcoming presidential election was every bit as positively focused as that of most of my friends.  So what happened to darken my personal perception?  I participated in a conversation concerning reality with David and his ‘little brother’, Bryce, in which my limited view of these last three years expanded as seen through their eyes.

Though I continue to believe that, eventually, good will prevail over evil—what seems unlikely to me, now, is that evil will leave The White House peaceably without a fight, being that everything trump says and does continues to prove him as mentally deranged as was true of Hitler and Hossain.

Unfortunately, following trump’s example, close to half of our nation’s population has unhooded in favor of wearing their red hats openly and proudly, whereas, during years past, the KKK had tried but failed to hide the cruelty of their prejudicial attitudes under coned hats and white sheets in hopes of shielding their true identities while participating in shameful acts of despicable hypocrisy.

Though America seemed to be kinder place during my childhood each shocking awareness of reality staring us in the face, today, suggests the importance of our knowing exactly who, how many and where the enemy of brotherhood hangs ‘his’ hat.

Though I hope my current fear of anarchy running wild through our streets on Nov. 4th will prove to be unfounded, David and Bryce (who is now 21) have experienced situations in LA, which prove so much darker than any of my own that during our conversation, my spirit felt an urgent need to strengthen my mindful connection to courage in case their perceptions concerning the immediate aftermath of the coming election holds true.

RELIEF AND HAPPINESS ARE NOT BECESSARILY THE SAME

Every time I send a group email update, my recipients are so happy with my progress toward healing that they assume we share the same feeling when reality concerning our emotional reactions suggests that’s not yet true.  While my family and friends are both relieved AND happy about my progress, pain places my current level of happiness upon a middling rung until my heightened level of physical discomfort has had time to significantly decrease.  And so, rather than feeling frustrated with friends and family who believe I feel as they do, I am happy to offer them reason to feel rejoiceful during this crazy time of trump and Covid, both of which—combined with physical pain—tame my release of happiness though my level of relief at being declared cancer free is high.

SELF MOTIVATED PAIN MANAGEMENT

Starting the day with good news is always a plus—
These last few nights, I’ve made it from 10 pm till 9 am without awakening with need to take any pain meds.  If that pattern continues, I’ll see my recovery as having taken yet another leap of faith toward self-motivated pain management.

Earlier in the week,  we had an appt. scheduled with my oncologist at Mayo.  He, too, had only good news to relate as we discussed results of last week’s PET scan and this week’s MRI.

By the time we left his office, I was processing so many reasons to smile as to fill my mind with little else but positive test results with one exception or maybe two ...
🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

‘THE GOLDEN YEARS’ REFERENCES SENIORS ENJOYING RETIREMENT IN GOOD HEALTH

Hopefully, today will be restful at my end.
Yesterday, Will and I saw Dr. Seetharam, my oncologist at Mayo, who deciphered last week’s PET scan and MRI results as being very positive.  As far as he’s concerned, there’s no need for additional chemotherapy.

I’ll actually be surprised if my Houston oncologist, Dr. Ravi, concurs, as he has made reference, more than once, to microscopic cells that tests may not expose ... As both discs have been sent to him, now we play wait and see what he has in mind after examining post-surgical results for himself.
I have two life long friends who wear themselves out, daily.  One has become a workaholic and the other joins groups and volunteers, non stop.  I believe both—really good people—are running away from free time in which their thought processors may seek out inner truths that their defense systems work over time to deny.

Both exhaust themselves, daily, and one cannot sleep more than three or four hours per night, regardless of which sleep aids are taken.

As for me, knowing their histories, I can encourage change for the better in the workaholic, but that’s not true for the one who cannot sleep, and thank goodness I can tell whose mindset may benefit from hearing my opinion and whose sense of personal safety might unravel on the spot to the point of destroying our friendship if my perception of her inability to rest her mind differs from her own.

My friend, the workaholic, is a social worker, who continues to permit me to be the voice of reason, from time to time, by suggesting that I hope to hear that she’s beginning to reduce her work hours so as to offer her mind time to relax most especially since these next few months are bound to create even more tension in her clients, which is likely to be absorbed by her caring heart since her fears (and mine) mirror theirs during this trying time of an unmasked trump, the election, Covid and online schooling.

Both of my friends and I have reached the age where taking care of our families and ourselves is of primary concern, and so, the decision to conserve energy makes sense during these years in which you and your partner are still enjoying good health, suggesting both of you to be amongst those who are so fortunate as to extend your ‘golden years’ into your eighties and beyond.

Bottom line, I believe that the conservation of energy, at our age, is worthy of treating with respect.

My friend knows that if she’d like me to put my soapbox away, all she needs do is to say the word.  Though my mind is focused on planting seeds in hopes of encouraging change for the better, I’m not looking to hassle anyone before readiness speaks to each of us from deep within.🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

BEGINNING EACH DAY WITH A SMILE IS MY CHOICE

Regardless of my awakening to pain, I’ve decided to start every day with a positive attitude by reminding myself that in addition to the huge personal miracle that took place in Houston, I fully appreciate the fact that with Will and David literally by my side while all of you have virtually been with us, I have been blessed more than is true of most who have had need of life saving surgery.

The fact that positive focus has shaped my thinking patterns since my sons were small boys suggests that I, like all human beings, am a creature of habit.

“The soul grows into lovely habits as easily as into ugly ones, and the moment a life begins to blossom into beautiful words and deeds, that moment a new standard of conduct is established, and your eager neighbors look to you for a continuous manifestation of the good cheer, the sympathy, the ready wit, the comradeship, or the inspiration, you once showed yourself capable of. Bear figs for a season or two, and the world outside the orchard is very unwilling you should bear thistles.”
—Excerpt from Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm by Kate Douglas Wiggin

The fact is that, one day, I’ll awaken pain free with energy to spare suggesting that before too long, the rest of my life will stretch out before me in a nation led by Biden and Harris (and Jill Biden makes three capable leaders), all of whom will surround themselves with smart-hearted staff, meaning that we ‘The People’ can depend upon a braintrust that will create heartfelt changes for the betterment of every person of every age, and with so much to look forward to, I aim to keep my mental concentration focused on the positive, beginning right after I take a pain pill, which I’m attempting to space five hours apart instead of four.
🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

PS
Once Family and Friends hear that a full head of hair is covering my scalp, they ask me to send a photo, so that makes me think that you might like to see the kind of growth, which seems to be taking place so fast that Will insists he can see a difference in length, every day🙂

My head is bent toward one side to offer a view of the varieties of hues that warm my scalp.

As to lashes and brows, they’re in no hurry to thicken, so whenever eyebrows seem appropriate, out comes my trusty eyebrow pencil, and if you ask me, I’d say that the brows seen drawn on my face are not yet even close to the ones that had once grown naturally by themselves ...

LAST NIGHT, MY PATIENCE CAME CLOSE TO COLLAPSING

This morning, let’s cut to the chase—
Last night’s MRI was overwhelming.

If my veins had cooperated that would not have been the case, but they’d been poked so many times in the hospital that it took 45 minutes and the use of an ultrasound machine to finally find one that didn’t collapse when the IV needle was inserted (yesterday’s MRI of my sternum and rib cage required contrast).

Though the MRI was scheduled for 6pm, by the time a vein near my wrist cooperated, I’d been sitting in an upright position for so long that most of my patience with discomfort was spent, and by the time I’d been readied for the MRI, tears rolled down my face as if releasing inner tension, which had been suppressed, was necessary before I could muster any reserves of patience, again.

Generally, I can manifest a sense of inner calm while the MRI machine is clattering away; however that proved very difficult, yesterday.  Although I’d managed not to move during the 45 minutes that images were being recorded, I was emotionally and physically exhausted by the time the MRI had been completed.  Upon arriving home at 9:15, my energy, having been utterly depleted, felt as collapsed as had been true of my veins.

Hopefully, today will offer up nothing more than peace and quiet.  Last night, I’d felt so fragile that I’d feared my pain level would be elevated, today; however, thankfully, that did not happen.

Last night marked the fourth time in a row that I’ve slept straight through without awakening in need of pain meds until about 7am.

Ever since July, I’ve been asking—is it September yet?  And today, each time that question slips out of my mouth, my smile appears, because I’m finally answered with a resounding—Yes! 🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

PS
Time for a retraction
I’d believed my pain level had not elevated, over night
However, that belief was stated before leaving my bed, this morning
Upon standing up to attend to my morning routine
Only half of it was done before my need to lie down felt profound
Generally, three hours after taking pain meds, I’m pretty much pain free
As that proved untrue as soon as I’d left my bed
There’s no doubt that I’ll be paying the piper for
Last night’s suppression of tension, today
When Will suggested an Ativan, I agreed and chose to
Lie back down and wait until ‘it does it’s thing’.