MEMOIRIST? BLOGGER? BLENDING

Having come home from the coast following my brief stay at
Barry’s where, as usual, I felt deeply gratified to have been so
Warmly welcomed by our loved ones, today began with Ravi
Snuggling in my arms after we’d enjoyed a sleepover, which
Pleasured both of our hearts—however, by mid morning
Light-headedness punctuated with mild nausea developed, so
Feeling need to lie down, I reluctantly called Steven and asked if
He could pick up Ravi, who, upon hearing that she was about to
Go home early, asked to cuddle with me while watching
A movie on my iPad, and her sweet request was
So heartfelt that my inner need for one-on-one time with
My introspective side melted straight away, suggesting that
Rather than being picked up, Ravi, cuddling with Gramma
Watched The Lion King for the umpteenth time after which
Her parents’ timely arrival offered my grand daughter’s spirit
Reason to smile upon being told that they planned to drive to
One of Ravi’s favorite outdoor spots for lunch where
A fountain installed expressly for the enjoyment of small fry
Awaited Ravi’s arrival along with the promise of ice cream for
Dessert, and with that child-friendly plan dancing through her head
Ravi’s attitude had no need of persuasion to leap from my side into
Her father’s strong arms, and once they’d left, following
Our traditional group hug, my light-headedness slid straight into
A migraine that saw me in need of the downtime that mind control had
Placed on hold over these past several days when ‘Gramma Annie’ took
Precedence over ‘introspective Annie’ until such time as— right now
Because I’m perceiving the migraine as being indicative of
The intuitive portion of my processor feeling swollen with need to be
Set free to release the cluster of insights that is, hopefully, as hot to
Pop as popcorn out of subconscious storage into conscious awareness
And with that insight clearly in mind, let’s see what pops out next:
Last week was the anniversary of my mother’s death
Last week, I received word that an extended family member was
Hospitalized for pneumonia at the same time that a second
Family member (with whom the first has been at war for
Years) flew into town, and as my personal perspective has
Chosen to walk a tightrope between these two that’s still
Fraught with emotional sparks of tension based in my decision
Not to take sides, I felt a latent sense of yesteryear’s
Stress arise as is my patterned reaction whenever
Unresolved emotionality concerning this pair collides like
Crashing cymbals inside my mind, and while
The emergence of discordant emotional distress has been
Churning subconsciously, my niece has been in
The process of moving into an apartment that’s about
45 minutes way from my home so as to live nearer to
Her place of employment; however just before her move was
Complete, my niece was let go.  Next up, David called to
Confer with his Orthopedist dad, relating that
Shoulder pain has been diagnosed as calciification of
The joint—and though most of these issues do not prove to be
Biggies, all released at once must be stimulating unhealed
Memories of yesteryear’s unresolved crises to knock against
My wall of denial, causing me to feel as I did when each of
These loved ones had sent out SOS signals in need of my
Solution seeking attentiveness, simultaneously, and as
I’d valued my role of Family Fixer, back then (having had
No clue that my level of self esteem had depended upon
Being a successful, super-duper-people-fixer extradinaire, I’d
Spread myself so thin that the solution-seeking portion of
My ever-ready processor experienced burn-out years before
I’d absorbed this reality:  The overwhelming nature of
Having taken on all of my loved ones’ personal and/or
Professional problems, whether physical or
Emotional in nature (or both), had proved beyond
My control to change for the better, and
As much of yesteryear’s extended-family angst had
Worsened soon after my father’s death (before
My need to recover from PTSD was diagnosed), I’d
Not yet gained insight into the degree of undeserved
Guilt that had been subconsciously buried alive when
I was a child of three witnessing my parents’ agony
During the aftermath of my baby sister’s sudden death
And thus do we gain insight into why—beginning
At that crucial stage of early personality
Development, lasting throughout most of my life
I’d unknowingly held my ever-ready smile responsible for
Helping everyone in need (including strangers) to see
Their way clear to creating change for the better whenever
Anything went awry, and as I came to be seen as
The extended family’s ‘first responder’ none of us had
A conscious clue of the fact that it has never been
My place to do more than offer my loved ones’ spirits
Heartfelt support during their times of trouble

On the other hand, common sense suggests
The fact that as I’d held myself accountable for being
The family fixer since the age of three
A portion of my brain will always react with
Empathetic angst such as that which has been
Gnawing away at my host of acquired strengths over
These past three of weeks until the intuitive portion of
My processor sought time spent in solitude in hopes of
Freely and clearly listing a 'set' of  empathetic angsts, which
Have been pounding away against my wall of denial after being
Compressed into a many layered, darkly clouded, cluster of
Memories such as those that revealed themselves to me within
Today’s comprehensive train of thought, and now, with
Hopes of switching mental tracks away from feeling as
Though my head is ballooning, swelling with
Yesteryear’s unfinished business while being squeezed within
A self imposed vice, I feel need to relieve myself of
Self imposed pressure by consciously compartmentalizing
The convergence of each of these partially healed
Painwracked files, which had sound reason to
Fly open, all at once, within the depths of
My processor until today’s crystallizing absorption of clarity
Offered up by my intuitive intelligence, gave me
Sound reason to believe that my brain’s contrasting (and
Thus highly complex) functionalities have been in
Need of a tune up as proves true from time to time in
Order to operate as a healthy well oiled whole, suggestive of
The fact that, once again, my processor has been attentively
Engaged in the active process of readying my intelligence to
Embrace another leap of faith forward as I continue to
Advance toward healing myself more thoroughly from
PTSD under the astute guidance of a well trained
Compassionate therapist, who encourages me to remember
That the resurgence of every pain, which has not been fully
Processed following complicated times of crises when
The fixer managed to keep my head on straight, has need to
Be re-experienced with this caveat: As long as my attitude of
Positive focus remains intact, my spirit can rely upon a host of
Inner strengths to stare down yesteryear’s unprocessed
Vulnerabilities while I continue to absorb an ever more
Thorough sense of the on-going process of
Emotional maturation that proves necessary if I am to
Continue to muster the courage and patience to
Heal from PTSD to the fullest degree that reality will
Allow a mortal being to achieve, and now that today’s
Intuitive train of thought has clarified the illusive nature of that
Last deeper truth for me, here are several awarenesses, which
I believe have been percolating (with an ever intensifying
Degree of urgency) within the inner sanctum of my mind in
Hopes of refueling my spirit with the gumption to experience
Yet another leap of faith toward embracing each next step of
Personal growth, which will culminate in heightening
My awareness of every person’s need to fortify current levels of
Patience so as to contain our natural emotional reactivity to
A loved one’s unrestrained explosivity most especially at
Those times when the unexpected convergence of
Several files, all entitled Unfinished Familial Business, fly open
Inside our heads simultaneously, stimulating our processors to
Experience such an overwhelmed sense of emotional overload as to
Find it nearly impossible to function with common sense intact so
As to keep ‘bigger pictures’ clearly within the forefront of
Our minds, and since my processor has been doing
Exactly that, over these past three weeks while, at the same time
Recovering energy spent fighting a flu bug right before
My retired fixer felt stimulated to re-emerge upon
Re-experiencing familial overload, which simulating
Yesteryear’s cluster of crises alerted my defense system to
Release repressed anxiety that taxed my conscious mind during
These past several weeks, and thus has today’s insight-driven
Intuitive train of thought offered us a comprehensive
Understanding as to why my storyteller felt need to withdraw
Into the wings until my processor had clearly identified and
Reorganized files entitled Unfinished Familial Business—whew!

As to the lifetime of sensual pleasures that the pedophile had
Stolen from my conscious awareness until my intuitive quest to
Retrieve deeper truths illuminated my expanded perspective of
Highly personalized experiences, which my defense system had
Whitewashed in the past so as to separate the secret annex of
My inner fury from contaminating my youthful spirit’s
Conscious smiling self—tis better to spit out each latent taste of
Bitterness —which has recently been eating away at my spirit’s
Naturally joyful perspective of love and life—than to leave
Bitter herbs to fester within my mind as I continue to age ...

In addition to my having numbed myself to reality by delaying
The natural darkening of today’s expanded perspective of
My childhood’s most traumatizing experiences until
My present level of emotional maturity could
Handle emergent anger and sadness with common sense intact
We must also address my internal reactions to the fact that
Our nation has unleashed a raging, sharp toothed
Toddler, whose infantile tantrums continue to darken
The reputation of The White House to the extent of
Blinding his followers, whose emotional immaturity is
Every bit as openly on display as is true of trump’s
Being that the processors of white sheeted bullies are
Too busy being brutish to gain the merest hint of
Insight necessary to consciously acknowledge
The timeless universality of this next deeper truth:
If elected leadership can’t balance emotion with logic then
It stands to reason that our nation will be led toward
Colliding into trump’s Wall, which proves too dense to
Make sense of a five billion dollar expenditure that
Disregards shovels tunneling under a monolithic
Structure worshipped by a leader blind to lying through
His teeth so often that he can’t see his way clear of
Defensive denial so as to discipline his employment of
Personal power by consciously identifying his void of
Compassionate listening skills without which leadership’s
Decisions do not even begin to consider whatever truly
Proves best for our nation at large, and that insight proves
Most especially true when need to re-strengthen our present
Vulnerabilities depends upon leadership’s capability to
Reflect conscientiously and objectively rather than
Stewing over personal slights so subjectively as to
Cruelly condemn millions of hard scrabble
Countrymen, women and children to barely survive while
The bulging wallets of the 1% at the top of the mountain
Maintain private jets that fly so high as to land on
Personal yachts rivaling cruise ships in size where those
Infected with the Midas touch and their chronies frolic in
The sun until caught red-handed holding tightly to
Fistfuls of dollars that rightfully belong to the vulnerable
Majority of hard working citizens mentioned above—
Only way to stop bullies from reigning supreme over all is to
Unite the masses and take Midas down, starting at the top!

Want a headache the size of a migraine to shrink in
Size until your processor feels so relieved of layers of
Tightly suppressed stress as to clarify your need to rebalance your
Personal perspective of life and love to match reality instead of
Continuing to torture yourself with romanticized visions of
That which we believe love and life ‘should’ be?  Find a creative
Non-surly, heart healthy manner in which to voice
Repressed angst, which left to its own de/vices layers up behind
The human brain’s wall of denial until a tidal wave of
Overload, squeezing itself through the cracks in our defensive
Walls, shapes into a mega-sized migraine that just won’t quit pounding
Away at a door in denial’s wall until your think tank’s romanticized
Pasteurized version of reality awakens your need (and mine) to
Open that door so as to free and retune unrealistic attitudes in
Similar fashion to my need to acknowledge and retune my own ...

I mean, seriously—how can we expect insights to
Emerge, enlightening the conscious portion of our minds so as to
Lift our spirits’ deflating sense of disappointment until
An unexpected uprising of yesteryear’s dust storms has been
Swept away by the rising crest of emotional intelligence with which
Your processor’s sense of clarity (and mine) is equipped to
Develop, over time—and thank God for that, because the portion of
The subconscious in which files entitled Unfinished Familial Business
Are stored can be likened to a junk drawer, which if not cleaned out, from
Time to time, grows so disorderly as to become near to
Impossible to sort through and reorganize so as
To clarify which cluster of mental irritants has surfaced, uninvited
To plague the conscious portion of our minds—anew—Hey!
Guess what?  Migraine resolved—as to whether that will still
Be true upon awakening, tomorrow—please stay tuned as time will tell