Latent anxiety, concerning my loss of self worth, where
Might we be off to next? Well, it seems that today's train of
Intuitive thought is alerting my conscious awareness to ask
Myself this question: Having retired 'The Fixer', who will that
Leave me to be? I mean, seriously—the fact that I'd unwittingly
Chosen the hat of Family Fixer as my own (at the age of three), and
The fact that fate deemed me fit to wear that hat until surprising
Conflicts (emergent within my birth family in the aftermath of
My father's death) saw The Fixer's hat weighing too heavy on
My head, might induce you to stop me, right now, to ask:
So what change, catalyzed by your father's death, caused
Your hat to grow too heavy to bear at that specific time in
Your life? In answer to your question, I'd reply:
Upon further reflection, the hat, itself, had not become too heavy—
It had been stretched by these next two facts: In addition to having
Held my think tank accountable for solving the problems of
Others, I'd unconsciously stuffed my own deeply repressed problems
Under my hat, as well. And since I'd had no conscious clue of the depth of
My inner conflicts, stuffed deep inside my subconscious, behind my defensive
Wall of denial, my problems (along with the problems of others) had grown
Too big for The Fixer's conscious mind to comprehend, suggestive
Of this insight to which I had been blind: Just as The Fixer could not
Solve my problems as long as the main root remained repressed behind
My self protective, defensive wall, she could not solve the main root of
Problems repressed, subconsciously, within the brains of her loved ones
So, no matter how long and patiently I'd pressed my heart and smarts
Against their defensive walls in hopes of coaxing them to unlock
Doors, behind which inner conflicts (that were not my own) had been in
Need of identifying and resolving—but not by me ...
And complicating matters further, this next insight comes to mind:
My defense system had not let me in on this next fact: My most fearsomely
Repressed, king pin problem, concerning my wounded self worth
Had been stuffed under all of those problems at the bottom of my hat, since
I was three, and that insight answers why we need to hit bottom before
Coming to know ourselves in depth, and if you ask why all of my
Deeply secreted, interrelated problems had begun to seep out from
Under my Fixer's hat after Dad's death, while I'd continued to
Consciously, though unsuspectingly, misdirect my mental energy
Toward solving problems and resolving conflicts belonging to
The psyche's of loved ones, let's be reminded of this insight as well:
As long as I'd no conscious clue of how much subconscious angst
My defense system had continued to stuff under The Fixer's conscious
Radar, layers of defensiveness continued to swell, causing my hat to
Stretch over so much of my own repressed frustration as to block all sense
Of conscious awareness to the depth of my denial, and as long as my
Overgrown Fixer's hat covered my eyes and ears to my own deeply repressed
Truths, guess what else went undiscovered? The Fixer's overgrown Hat had
Made me too blind and deaf to identify how often my mindset, concerning
My tainted self image, which having been buried alive within the dark side of
An unprocessed mind-space I nside my brain ever since Janet's death—had
Been slamming my smarts into my own defensive walls, dizzying
My adult think tank to spin away from the bright side after being
Blindsided by the dark side, time and again, and not until
My father's sudden death at 87, which created life changing circumstances
(Mirroring the depth of my mother's grief—borne by us both—in
The aftermath of my baby sister's death) did my mental processor, acting
Like a food processor, subconsciously spin both deaths into one, forcing me to
Make my way back through that same living hell as had been true after
My baby sister's sudden death at which time many of my budding personal
Strengths, enmeshing with the depth of my mother's grief, felt buried alive until
My father's death catalyzed my friendship with my beloved mother to grow
Every bit as confoundingly contentious as my mother's relationship with
Her mother (who had lived with us) had been, and thus have you been
Watching my intuitive powers working to piece together this puzzle
Concerning the classic ways that one generation's unresolved inner
Conflicts unknowingly inflict unresolved angst upon the next generation's
Head in terms of the sadly confounding deterioration of friendships, which
Had been treasured by both—until someone in the family feels compelled
To figure out what's actually going on—and over these past several years
You've witnessed this Fixer's brain power wear out completely as if
Fate felt need to force my hand to work at pulling my self-imposed
Family Fixer's hat off of my deeply confounded, pain-racked, grief struck
Head, at which time I found that the hat, covering so many problems, had
Grown as tight as a vice, which refuses to budge, and so it had to be
Pulled back from covering my eyes and ears in infinitesimal degrees
While The Fixer watched one deeply stuffed problem after another
Tumble out—and having penned this synopsis of the past several
Years of my life, hopefully you can clearly see why it took such
A long time for my exceptionally wearied mind to clarify how
Frequently my secreted storehouse of vulnerabilities had acted as
Personal liabilities (also stuffed under that proverbial hat), until
The Fixer's total collapse weakened my ego's persona so much that
My truth-seeking intuition was finally set free to power up and act like
A magician, pulling insights (rather than problems and conflicts) out
Of my Fixer's hat, and since insight into each of my repressed
Vulnerabilities was utterly shockingly revealed to my conscious
Mind—every insightful self revelation required all of the humility, courage
And mental strength that I could muster, suggesting why most of my energy had
Need to consolidate my mental concentration upon pulling each over grown
Rabbit out of my Fixer's hat, clarifying why, time and again, all of me felt
Need to hunker down to seek the missing key, which would open
The door in my subconscious defensive wall, behind which
The wounded self image of a three year old child, who had, deep
Inside her broken heart, unknowingly deemed her sweet, little self, such
A bad little girl as to have misjudged herself unworthy of receiving love, had
Remained buried alive, which answers why intuitive trains of thought
Guiding my smarts to spend time (wisely) in solitude, seeking
That missing key, which was hidden deep inside me, proves to be
The most valiant task that My Fixer has ever consciously chosen as
My very own, and so rather than seeing this tunneling quest as having
Detoured me from enjoying my life, I've instinctively known full well
That my choice to work toward exhuming the deepest, darkest secret, which
I'd kept from myself since the age of three, has been worth my time
Attention, and energy until my examination of each over grown scared rabbit
Which had repeatedly bitten into my sense of personal safety, was 100%
Necessary no matter how often my smarts felt spun into such a deep state of
Shock as I'd seemed to have turned into a stranger to myself, causing me to
Stop trusting that I'd known my innermost self, at all, until recently, when
Rather than watching myself turn into stranger-danger, I gained insight into
Exposing and understanding my secrets, and thus, time spent seeking
Identifying and releasing LATENT fears and anger, as well as
Time spent examining and calming TODAY's fears and anger, as well as
Time spent exhausting my think tank until all of me, being utterly spent
Required more time spent in solitude, doing nothing more than resting, until
Intuition signaled my spirit to arise to each next mental challenge, has continued
To gift my conscious awareness with so much valuable knowledge to
Absorb, concerning my need to create mental changes for the better, that
My power of intuition compelled my conscious mind to pen the same insights
Again and again and again, in similar fashion to the endless hours that Will had
Studied medicine for many years before believing himself wholly capable of
Picking up a scalpel, cutting into a live person, and feeling so confident in
The depth of his wealth of knowledge that he knew his patients would awaken
From reconstructive surgery, believing that, over time, physical therapists would
Guide their wounds to heal, just as two therapists, highly trained in reconstructing
Unhealthy subconscious trains of thought, which had formed negatively focused
Mindsets injured by PTSD (one being my EMDR therapist), have guided me to
Astutely oversee healthy transformations, taking place inside my brain, and
As this series of gainful transformations released latent pain, no anesthesia in sight
It has not been unusual for me to wander off my positively focused path each time
I'd found my smarts in a state of shock, after coming to see how often
The Fixer (my persona), had fooled me into believing that I knew myself in
Depth, when reality (in the aftermath of my father's death) showed me that
No one with the best intentions of helping others can gain control over
Problems and conflicts that exist within the subconscious portions of any
Brain other than one's own, and as opening channels of communication
Between subconscious pain and conscious awareness proves quite a feat, thus
Do we come to see that the exhaustion of my Family Fixer's mental energy was
Necessary before my smarts saw fit to seek professional guidance so astutely
Trained as to have known the necessity of guiding me, compassionately, to
Backtrack into my own private hell while simultaneously guiding me toward
Carving a forward-looking path that differs greatly from the one, which
I'd blindly carved for myself as an inexperienced kid, and thus have
I, finally, thoroughly worked toward absorbing this insight, which proves so
Hard for humans to swallow and wholly digest without experiencing
The mental recurrence of painful reflux:
The only person I can fix on a lasting basis is me!
And since you and I have worked to fully absorb this highly condensed banquet
Of scientific facts, this next fact can be seen as clearly as daylight at sunrise:
Once I'd removed The Family Fixer Hat, which had, over the years stretched
Far too big for my own good, I was able to see why Mother Nature had
Thought to cover my eyes and ears to my need to thoroughly absorb how
Many problems I'd taken on (which had rightfully belonged to others, who
Like me, have need to carve each next step of their own existential paths toward
Developing their potential to tap into their intuitive powers to seek insight into
Deeper truths, concerning their secreted vulnerabilities). And, today, I
Can also see why my sights, concerning that which I'd chosen to
Believe as my proper role within my extended family would remain
Blinded by love from seeing how often my empathetic ways caused
The Fixer to be an enabler, who'd walked straight into solid walls until
My mental processor wore out so many times as to finally identify this insight:
Every time I'd knocked my head into the defense wall of a loved one, who'd
Feared peering inside into their own deeper truths, I'd also knocked my head into
A wall of my own, and thus has my quest to know myself in depth had need to
Tunnel within my brain space, ever more humbly, courageously, patiently and
Tenaciously in hopes of peeling away at outer layers of my painfully defensive or
Frustrated reactions before I could hope to shine intuition's light of insight upon
My need to strip away every last layer of my persistent resistance against giving
Up on communicating openly with those who'd feared communicating openly with
Themselves, and just as their defensive walls block them from seeking the missing
Key that will open the door, behind which expansive choices await their arrival, my
Defensive wall had blocked my conscious mind from sighting the missing key to
Unblocking my state of denial, and now, with key in hand, at last, I've walked
Through that open door and what did you watch me find, eager to be unchained
From the dark side of my past? The negatively focused mindset, which had
Chained my mistaken self perception to the subconscious, darkly fearful side of
My mind, which had deemed me as such a bad child as to have caused so much
Pain to my birth family, as to have viewed any of my personal imperfections as
Deeming me unworthy of receiving love, so though I have been deeply loved
And though I've given love freely, forever, all thought of feeling worthy of
Receiving self love had been banished from my conscious (but not my intuitive)
Mindset until recently, and now, having wholly absorbed sound reason to
Welcome my positively focused imperfect self to feel completely at home in
My skin on the sunny side of the street, at long last, that door in my defensive
Wall, which intuitive insight has finally opened, has freed my think tank to
Reconsider choices, which had catalyzed latent anxiety to arise in the past
Suggesting that my whole brain feels wholesomely worthy of pleasuring
Myself, within reason, by expanding my scope of choices, knowing
Full well that my well practiced line of control, holding hands with
Common sense, will keep my wild thing from completely abandoning
My strong sense of self discipline, and having secured a healthy view of
The well-balanced adult, whom I've chosen to grow up to be, I no longer
Harbor that fearsome secret of unworthiness, which had, in the past, only
Leaked hints of reason to stop my Family Fixer from walking blindly into
Yesteryear's walls, and since hints were not enough to stop denial from
Deceiving me into believing myself walking forward, today's deeper truth
Has conveyed the depth of my belief in self-empowered trains of intuitive
Thought waves, acting like the tide, coming in and going out, for this reason:
Each time my sense of inner peace has absorbed reason to deepen
My conscious awareness opens to sense something positive that exists within
The negative, for example: I've just absorbed sound reason to note that
My unidentified fear of unworthiness has actually served myself, my family and
Countless others well, and here's why that's true: Over my entire life
I've been conscientiously instrumental in inspiring thousands of people
Including people I've never met (by way of articles written and the internet) to
Wonder if they, too, are every bit as capable of developing their intuitive powers
As has proven true of me, so anyone who's not closed their eyes or ears to
Strings of insight, which I feel compelled to pen, time and again, can work
Toward developing their innate potential to solve highly complex problems by
Taking time outs to calm frustration and anxiety, thus growing ever more prone
To release intuitive creativity, naturally, and more important than that insight is
This one: Latent fear cringing inside me, which had caused my decision maker to
Tunnel ever more deeply through each stage of my own personal hell, back when
My Fixer had habitually walked blindly, into wall after wall), has served
A higher purpose, after all, in that intuition concerning my secreted past
Has continued to inspire my curious sense of insight to tap ever more deeply into
Enhancing my power of creativity, thus ensuring that each of my children was
Raised in such an unorthodox, positively focused, emotionally open and
Therefore safe environment as to have breathed life into the success-oriented
Attitude that proves inherent to Solution Seekers, whom all three have grown
To be for this reason: throughout each stage of life each one has continued to
Unwittingly watch and emulate their parent seeking to create change for
The better from the inside out! And thus has each of The Fixer's unique
Problem-solving plans actually offered thousands of others sound reason to
Believe in their potential to take leaps of faith toward realizing long range
Goals, one step at a time, and since my brain holds a treasure chest
Overflowing with success stories that feel like jumping beans vying to be
The first freed from my memory bank, I'm eager to show you why
My little corner of the world has enjoyed sound reason to grow to feel ever
More safe, even to those who still have no clue of how fearful they are to
Tunnel toward deeper truths buried inside themselves, and here's why
That's true, too: now that my defensive wall is much more transparent than
Opaque, I no longer harbor unknown fear of rejection, and since my peaceful
Smile welcomes others, sincerely, anyone who may have feared
My rejection, in years past, senses the sincerity of my change for
The better, which coming straight from my heart, reaches clear into
The core of my soul. And if you ask why my fear of rejection has changed
For the better, let's shine a spotlight upon this next insight: Until my twenties
I was unable to see my way clear to begin to create change for the better within
Until I began to read about raising children with democratic values, concerning
Mutual respect. However, at that early time in my maturity, not one layer of
My defensive wall encountered reason to crumble without so much as
A warning until the depth of my repressed unhappiness with my marriage
Emerged, twenty years after I was an inexperienced bride, at which time,
My intuitive powers were still in serious need of tweaking, suggesting that
Creativity, alone, could not fix the complex nature of my marital problems
And since creative thinking had been my mainstay, that was the first time
That my Family Fixer's mental strengths came very close to
Wearing out, breaking down and hitting rock bottom, which—over
The long run—proved a good thing for this reason: Once that layer of
My wall of denial crumbled without so much as a warning, my vulnerabilities
Began to show themselves to me—and ever since then, each step, taken on
This path toward deepening my self awareness, concerning need to
Comprehend which complex problems and conflicts are not mine to solve
And resolve (now that my sons are all competent adults), has led me toward
Exploring and reviewing countless trains of intuitive thought, each of which
Has led directly toward insights, such as today's insight, concerning
My having no idea as to where today's train of thought aims to take us
Into mental territory as yet unexposed—on the other other hand
The fact that I've matured, so as to walk this new path ever more
Peaceably into the great unknown with my sense of emotional security
Intact will continue to inspire my intuitive decision-maker to take an unending
Series of eyes-wide-open courageous leaps of faith rather than allowing
Subconscious anxiety, born of unprocessed childhood angst, which is still
Bound to arise, from time to time, to wrestle my adult potential to tap into
My core mental strengths to the mat, and since unidentified negativity
Collecting under my overstretched Fixer's Hat, no longer limits
My eyes-open-wide view of choices, I have a strong feeling that the dark side
Will have more difficult time blindsiding me as the future unfolds—and
Here's why that's true—having come to trust myself to know both sides of
Myself, the defensive opinions of others can't bamboozle me into believing
Myself unworthy of love, so—Oh wait—Though today's positive view of
My future has been enhanced by removing my Family Fixer's Hat, thus
Expanding my view of personal choices, which had felt off limits until
Recent years, I don't want to forget to mention that recent posts penned have
Also served to refresh my faith in my brain's potential to continue to develop
My intuitive powers to alert me to ready my restrengthened sense of
Wholeness to work at identifying each next mental breakthrough that
(Knowing me) is certain to process its self confident way out of
Subconscious storage, thus stirring my curiosity to explore and post whatever
Life experience may freely (surprisingly) stream forth from my memory bank
Onto my computer screen, next, and here's why I believe that deeper truth to
Be true: A plethora of success stories have yet to unfold, and as was true
In the past, I believe that each story penned will offer me additional insight into
Freeing the intuitive and creative portions of my brain to determine
Each next step of my existential path as peacefully and naturally as
This current train of intuitive thought has penned itself, just now
In fact, I can feel my current intuitive train of thought pulling
My think tank's need to reprocess this lengthy string of inter-related insights
Until it has been thoroughly absorbed into a rest station, momentarily, sooo
Having cooked up more food for thought than I'd consciously planned
That's a wrap for today ... Whew! Or better yet—Woo-hoo! :)
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