Sunday, February 21, 2016

1340 INTUITIVE THOUGHT AWAKENS CONSCIOUS AWARENESS

In answer to yesterday's question, here is the inner strength, which had remained subconsciously repressed over most of my life:  a self assertive voice, exuding a self confident stance, suggesting ... Don't even attempt to mess with my mind ...

Assuming that you've read earlier posts in which stories describing my childhood have already been penned, can you guess why, I'd readily adopted an attitude exuding self disciplined, open minded compassion while the natural development of self assertive traits had been excluded from my stable of personal strengths ... until recently?

Can you conjure up the tragic circumstances, which, having disrupted the classic nature of my childhood home, had (unknowingly) caused me to swallow the development of my self assertiveness so as to have left me feeling dumbstruck and confounded each time anxiety spiked if I'd felt compelled to express a dissenting opinion that might draw forth a loved one's frown?

Can you ascertain why I grew up to be such a people pleaser as to have negated my personal needs in favor of serving the needs of others to the point of become so attentive to the needs of others as to have been tuned in before those needs had even been voiced, and thus, did I develop into an over achiever in countless aspects of life, suggesting that in many ways, being an over achieving, people pleaser had served me well ... And that was true until about a decade ago, when life offered my people pleasing persona a bevy of reasons to wear  itself out ... And when my mask fell off and my defense system was too exhausted to muster the energy to pick it up, no one was as shocked to see the layers of repressed anger, which had layered up within the subconscious portion of my mind as me ... WHEW!

Once I've revealed the content of my thoughts, which arose from my depths while I was reading the memoir (referenced in yesterday's post), answers, concerning today's trio of interrelated questions, will appear on your screen.

As for right now, let's consider this fact:  Each babe in arms is born with the natural potential to develop a sense of self reliant resilience, which proves necessary to reclaim the lost portion of self trust, which may be repressed after an episode of utterly confounding, heart-rending devastation has been experienced, thus injuring the wholesome development of a child's healthy, self confident, young mind.  Once inner conflict, concerning self trust, invades the good health of an active young mind, a child's decision-making process struggles for clarity.  And as long as this aspect of mental confusion feels confounding, each step, taken, will lead the smartest of minds ever more deeply into a maze, where we can't see ourselves clearly until the emergence of strings of insight guides the conscious portion of an inquisitive minds toward the light at the end of the tunnel, where resolution of inner conflict awaits to heal the portion of a person's self esteem, which had suffered injury during the original childhood experience, when dark clouds had overshadowed that person's judgment, concerning his or her self worth, and now you know why my anxiety spiked, most especially at those times when I'd chosen to meet my basic needs in any way that might draw forth a frown from anyone, upon whom I'd depended for emotional safety and support ... And thus have I described the subconscious issue of abandonment, which may be repressed deep within the psyche of a person, who feels truly self confident and successful in many aspects of life.  As some defense systems mask their fears behind a judgmental frown while others 'choose' to mask repressed fear behind a smile, that which is truly felt (but denied) behind the persona can be tough for even the most intuitive psychologists to figure out.  In short, a person can not heal a fear, repressed so deeply within the psyche that it cannot even been felt.  Let me put it this way:  Though I recognized my fear of disappointing people, I did not know how deeply my fear of being abandoned had imprinted in my mind at the tender age of three, and the younger you are when tragedy hits, the harder it is to exhume feelings and reactions that had been way beyond the conscious comprehension of a pre-schooler's mind, and once clarity suggested that ferreting out the original source of my fear had been a feat of heroic portions, no owas my search to know my deepest self

It's also important to note that as long as an issue with abandonment remains secreted within a person's subconscious (and thus, unrevealed to your conscious mind), you'll continue to unknowingly make decisions, based in the arousal of undeserved guilt (as did I), and each time this guilt is aroused, though latent it may be, a sense of inner conflict will undermine your personal fulfillment of certain basic needs, which will remain unnecessarily unmet until something compels you to quest toward retrieving the key, which will unlock the door to that portion of your psyche where early injury to self esteem has remained in an unhealed and thus painfully raw state of being ... In my case, I was three  when family tragedy triggered my inability to comprehend emotional complexity, and thus did I, feeling confounded, misguidedly and unwittingly charge myself with lifting the depressing burden of undeserved guilt off of my mother by absorbing the weight of undeserved guilt within a subconscious pocket of my mind, and as I was extremely young, guess who misplaced the key that would have freed my psyche from carrying that self-imposed weight until recently, when countless sessions of EMDR therapy enabled the intelligent adult, whom I've grown to be to muster the courage, little by little, to peel away layers of denial, behind which were buried sensations of excruciating pain, thus freeing the terrified, lonely three year old child, whose brain had signaled denial to save this child's sanity from succumbing to that which proves to be my newly exhumed, life long fear of emotional abandonment, at long last ...  Double WHEW!

As I've come to learn why the spirit of Socrates had so often swooped down from on high to whisper KNOW THYSELF, gently, compassionately and patiently, into my open ear, year after year, I give thanks for the fact that I'd consciously thought to nurture the development of my sons' open minded attitudes and self esteem, along with healing my own ... As to naysayers, who demonstrate need to level the play field by putting me down, once I became aware of the sum of my traits, both vulnerabilities and strengths, any barb, pointed at piercing my peace of mind, melts down without causing me pain.  Why this change?  Because my mind has fully absorbed the fact that wbomsoever hath need to target my heart with poisoned dart is in so much pain as to draw forth my compassion rather than my wrath ... (As you can see, in addition to time spent in the company of Socrates, I've also welcomed time spent with The Bard)

Yesterday, while reading the afore-mentioned memoir, intuition compelled me to pick up my stylus to pen thoughts, which had begun to pour out of the conscious portion of my mind, suggesting that I had no conscious clue that this next string of insights was about to emerge from the intuitive portion of my mind until they appeared, word by word, on my iPad's screen ... Whoops ... guess who lost track of time, suggesting that revealing those insights will have to wait till The next time a post appears on your screen, because sounds of house guests stirring suggest my need to ready myself to greet the day with a song in my heart as has been my habit since my grown sons were very young, at which time I'd realized that children are in need of a role model to guide their attitudes toward enjoying a positive start to each brand new day, and once that insight lit up inside my mind, I began to arise to organize myself 30 minutes before awakening each child, all of whom had been firmly, yet compassionately, taught to follow my well-balanced lead by adopting their mother's attitude of readying themselves for school, cheerfully rather than grumpily.  And as the imaginative mind tends to find something extraordinary to wonder about everywhere we look, my kids and I felt eager to experience whatever each brand new day might offer up, suggesting that, as I advance in age, my positively focused attitude finds something extraordinary to charm my sense of discovery, and that's why I choose to greet each ordinary day as if a delightful surprise is about to spring out and rejuvenate my spirit.  Ever since I chose to adopt that childlike attitude as my own, no day feels uneventful or boring as long as I remain as mentally attentive and adaptive to all there is to enjoy about life as had been true when I was young.

Hmmm ... now that I stop to think about it, perhaps life offers me nary a dull moment because my chosen state of mind continues to feel younger than springtime—at any rate, if I continue to give today's stream of consciousness free rein ... coffee won't perk till my mind switches gears, and as my heart feels eager to pleasure four of my dearest friends with a scrumptious brunch, which has yet to be prepared, tis high time for your friend, Annie, to bid you adieu till the sun shines bright, tomorrow, when Will plans to play golf with our friends, and I'll awaken, feeling blessed with delight while readying myself to pick up sweet natured, Ravi, whose inquisitive interest in everything arouses my own, and the fact that Ravi's delight at spending the day, playing with her doting gramma, is obvious when she jumps up and down, chortling with glee, as soon as her ever alert, little mind spies my bright red SUV pulling into Celina's and Steven's driveway, you can clearly see why time spent in this child's sweet-natured presence makes my heart sing—HOORAY for Ravi—HOORAY for ME!  (and HOORAY for Celina, whose spirit enjoys feeling utterly free (twice weekly) to meet her personal needs, which deviates from the norm, when most of a home-maker's time is devoted to serving the needs of her child—unless tragic circumstances detour adult awareness away from progressing forward on the classic path, where family life is conducted in such a natural, well balanced manner as to prove emotionally healthy for one and all ...)

Ravi, delighting in every day life ...


Father and child delighting in that which each new season brings ...


Jumping for joy, just because ...

If a picture is worth a thousand years
You can see why I can't wait to partake
In each new experience that
Delights the sparkling spirit of this adorable child ...

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