A long post
Not as long as some but
Longer than expected because
Insight-driven thoughts, tunneling from
Deep within kept surfacing into my conscious mind, and
Like cars, coupling into one-continuous-train-of-thought
That string of insights served to transport my mind straight through
A clouded state of confusion until I saw the light at the tunnel's end
And as I traveled from darkness to light, my state of denial was
Illuminated, freeing a closed mindset to open and expand
A narrow view of myself, which had been less than positive ...
When that eye-opening, insight driven
Continuous-train-of-thought pulled into
Yesterday's rest station
I chose not to publish it for this reason:
I feel an intuitive need for this particular train-of-thought to
Belong 'soul-ly' to me until I feel free to share it with you ...
And though I know not why that's true, I can reveal at least
One reason why my need for privacy feels necessary, at least for now:
Generally, mind expansion lifts my spirit ... however
Presently, that's not the case ... And—Oh my gosh!
Suddenly, intuitive thought, flashing through my mind, has
Named the insight, which had escaped detection, yesterday, when
In the absence of clarity, I'd had no clue as to what had forbidden me from
Exposing the unpublished post to you—however, with this insight in mind
I feel no resistance concerning sharing this thought, which intuition has
Just whispered into my ear, so here it comes:
My need for privacy was based in the fact that
Yesterday's conscious train of thought had toted
Baggage so painful as to have remained stuffed as deeply within
My subconscious as was humanly possible, and any thought that
Felt remotely related to the depth of that pain (associated with
Childhood memories too fearsome to consciously recall)
Weighed so heavy on my spirit as to have compelled
My think tank to pull down the curtain on
An emotional reaction, which had colored my self esteem so
Darkly with shame as to have refused my adult mind clearance to
Publish a post that had revealed a string of insights, which
Has refused to
Filter from 'safe-keeping' within a deep pocket of
My subconscious into my conscious awareness until
The complex adult, whom I've grown to be, has had time to
Garner the courage to fully face and absorb this fact:
Before my memory feels free to expose a train of thought that
Has surfaced, insight by insight, I'll need time to muster
The courage to shed yet another thickened layer of denial before
Shining a spotlight toward the reveal of a deeper truth—to myself—
About yet another shameful sense of undeserved guilt, which is
Still empowered to weigh heavy on my spirit whenever
Anything relating to that secreted experience knocks on the door of
My conscious awareness in hopes of expanding
My sense of clarity, concerning yesteryear's reality, more so than
Had ever been possible, until now ... and not until
My rebalanced sense of self esteem feels wholly innocent of
Wrong doing (when, as an obedient child
I'd followed the lead of an adult) will my newly awakened
Sense of wholeness feel empowered to free my whole mind to
Send that soulful train of thought into cyberspace, where
Public consumption awaits to consume the intimate nature of
This secreted memory, which has recently colored
My conscious mind with the dark stain of shame inherent in
Undeserved guilt, which my defense system had repressed behind
Layers of denial, over most of my life, and if today's post makes you ask:
Annie, when will your conscious mind stop fearing
Your intuitive need to release all subconscious sense of
Undeserved shame, which burns with resentment born of
Repressed rage, thus freeing your stolen sense of wholesome
Innocence to re-awaken and relax, once and for all?
I'd reply: As each next intuitive train of thought, fueled by
Strings of insight that brighten my conscious awareness to
Deeper truths (which had proven far too complex for the mind of
A child to fathom), emerges, my readiness to absorb
Insights—riding out of my depths as though on
A freedom train chugging forward from one station to the next—will
Continue to develop a greater sense of inner strength, thus empowering
My adult mind with the capability to unload additional layers of
Baggage by way of blogging my way toward clarity, day after day
And I believe that by gathering the patience necessary to allow
This well practiced pattern to move forward at its own pace
My adult mind will continue to heal from childhood terrors, step
By step until we reach the end of the line, where, ultimately
Readiness for my adult inner strengths to unite will unload and examine
The most frightening piece of baggage, thus exposing
The dreaded details of a memory so dark that my sense of clarity will
Liberate my conscious mind from experiencing any future episodes of
PTSD—AT LAST!
My subconscious into my conscious awareness until
The complex adult, whom I've grown to be, has had time to
Garner the courage to fully face and absorb this fact:
Before my memory feels free to expose a train of thought that
Has surfaced, insight by insight, I'll need time to muster
The courage to shed yet another thickened layer of denial before
Shining a spotlight toward the reveal of a deeper truth—to myself—
About yet another shameful sense of undeserved guilt, which is
Still empowered to weigh heavy on my spirit whenever
Anything relating to that secreted experience knocks on the door of
My conscious awareness in hopes of expanding
My sense of clarity, concerning yesteryear's reality, more so than
Had ever been possible, until now ... and not until
My rebalanced sense of self esteem feels wholly innocent of
Wrong doing (when, as an obedient child
I'd followed the lead of an adult) will my newly awakened
Sense of wholeness feel empowered to free my whole mind to
Send that soulful train of thought into cyberspace, where
Public consumption awaits to consume the intimate nature of
This secreted memory, which has recently colored
My conscious mind with the dark stain of shame inherent in
Undeserved guilt, which my defense system had repressed behind
Layers of denial, over most of my life, and if today's post makes you ask:
Annie, when will your conscious mind stop fearing
Your intuitive need to release all subconscious sense of
Undeserved shame, which burns with resentment born of
Repressed rage, thus freeing your stolen sense of wholesome
Innocence to re-awaken and relax, once and for all?
I'd reply: As each next intuitive train of thought, fueled by
Strings of insight that brighten my conscious awareness to
Deeper truths (which had proven far too complex for the mind of
A child to fathom), emerges, my readiness to absorb
Insights—riding out of my depths as though on
A freedom train chugging forward from one station to the next—will
Continue to develop a greater sense of inner strength, thus empowering
My adult mind with the capability to unload additional layers of
Baggage by way of blogging my way toward clarity, day after day
And I believe that by gathering the patience necessary to allow
This well practiced pattern to move forward at its own pace
My adult mind will continue to heal from childhood terrors, step
By step until we reach the end of the line, where, ultimately
Readiness for my adult inner strengths to unite will unload and examine
The most frightening piece of baggage, thus exposing
The dreaded details of a memory so dark that my sense of clarity will
Liberate my conscious mind from experiencing any future episodes of
PTSD—AT LAST!
Ha! Silly me ...
My defense system had thought to stop me from blogging in order to
Deny (sidestep) the emergence of dark demons that haunt my spirit to
This very day—thank goodness, my well practiced sense of
Intuitive thought caught tuned me into my defense system's most
Recent attempt to re-construct that wall of denial by declaring: No way, Jose!
Here's my take on intuitive thought working to foil my defense system's
Ploy to sidetrack my growing sense of clarity from digging toward
Deeper truths, which remain in their buried state:
My defense system had 'thought' to lighten the contents of my posts by
Penning stories of raising my sons as I'd wished to have been raised myself ...
And though my over-all plan to reveal those stories continues to
Hold true, suggesting that you can expect to read success stories, concerning
Birth order and minimizing sibling rivalry ... I hope you've not missed
The fact that intuitive thought felt need to give my conscious awareness
A good shaking in order to awaken my intelligence to my need to
Stop the defensive portion of my thought processor from 'thinking' to
Undermine the progress I've worked so diligently to achieve by attempting to
Bury repressed fury and pain every bit as deeply as had been true before
Sessions of EMDR had begun to coax layers of unresolved anger to
Filter through my wall of denial into my conscious mind
And hopefully, by now, you can see why working to maintain
My self-empowered strengths by openly confronting repressed pain in
Post after post, day after day, proves so far from easy that
My NEVER GIVE UP attitude must be recharged, repeatedly, until
The day dawns when readiness to crack through that final barrier of
Denial offers me a brand new sense of insight-driven independence from
The darkest ('forgotten') memories of my past—AT LAST
And so
Of course
I do not feel free to
Reveal yesterday's post to you until
Intuition, working to clarify today's stream of insight for
Myself, is clearly mine, and thus can we see why I'd instinctively felt
Need to respect my sense of privacy as I would honor yours ...
And as insight concerning my sense of confusion has cleared from
My mind, I can see our next rest station awaiting our arrival, directly ahead
Right after I reveal how I know that to be true:
Today's string of insights has enlightened my mind to understand why
My spirit felt dark when I'd felt intuitively compelled to
Set Toni Morrison's novel, GOD HELP THE CHILD, aside in favor of
Writing this post—and if you wonder whether my unpublished post will
Show up on your screen, tomorrow, well—time will tell whether or not
I'll feel ready to expose my misperceived, self-inflicted sense of shame to
You after my processor has had time to percolate more deeply over
Today's insight while the rest of me sleeps soundly, tonight ...
Geez!
I didn't expect to pen any of this, today, suggesting, once again, that
My first thought, concerning pulling the curtain down on my blog, for
An undetermined length of time, was not my best thought—
At least, not right now, and in light of today's insights, I can say:
It's a good thing that my mind has a mind of its own!
PS
About an hour ago, Ellie (my housekeeper, friend and
Right-hand woman for these past 34 years)
Walked into my bedroom, where my mind-of-its-own and
My iPad were in bed, partnering up while penning this post, when
My dear friend smiled and asked, How are you?
Upon looking up from my work
My heart offered Ellie a half smile while my mind responded:
I'm feeling kind of confounded ...
At this, Ellie shook her head and laughed
There you are, Annie! Working to figure everything out, again, right?
Now, it was my turn to laugh before replying:
Thank you, for saying:
There you are, Annie! Figuring everything out—instead of saying:
There you are, Annie, driving yourself crazy, again!
After sharing in another laugh, my friend offered my spirit another lift:
Crazy? You? No way! You make better use of your brain to
Solve problems than anyone I've ever met!
Then, Ellie continued with:
Once in a while I can figure out the deeper reason why
I feel what I feel, but most of the time, while trying to
Analyze myself like you do, I end up feeling so frustrated that
I throw my arms up in the air and say:
Oh for God sake—I give up!
As Ellie has admitted that same perception to me more than once
Our spirits enjoyed an even heartier laugh, and seeing mine perk up
Ellie went about her business of straightening the house while
My mind—with a mind of its own—resumed blogging in hopes of
Straightening out my conscious perception of myself before
I close for today, and though I may not be facing a five star day
All of this laughing and smiling and feeling 'known'
Has added at least one additional star to a day that had felt
Upon awakening, too dark for even one star to twinkle from
Within the depths of my mind's eye—symbolizing the fact that
Subconscious memories (combining with my recent sense of
Heartfelt loss) are still empowered to cast dark shadows of
Self disparagement on my spirit's sense of freedom to
Soar with joy unless—the phone happens to ring, and upon hearing
Steven's voice, my think tank lifts with hopeful thoughts of
A play date with Ravi, whose precious presence fills my heart with
Unadulterated bliss, and so, my friends, I wonder if you can answer
What a cup-half-full person must be lacking when a mind awakens with
Feelings of darkness, weighing as heavy on the spirit, as proved true of
Mine, today?
Is it lack of balance?
Is it lack of clarity?
Is it lack of insight, concerning understanding my deeply complex inner self?
Or is the correct answer:
All of the above?
Can you see why strings of insight—serving to release deeply buried, repressed feelings of unjust, yet unrelenting, guilt—must brighten my sense of clarity before my cup-half-full sense of balance regains sight of my agile mind's ability to relax once my current train of thought pulls into each next station, which awaits at the completion of each post I feel compelled to pen?
Whew! Imagine my mind releasing a sigh of relief, suggesting my dark awakening, this morning, was necessary, so that I'd pen a post empowered to transform a two star day into three, perhaps, even four, not just today, but in the future, as well!
And to think that I'd thought to stop blogging for a while—
Guess my first thought wasn't my best thought, at least not yet ...
Thank goodness, the habit I've developed, over time, served to
Open my mind to seriously consider that which my house guest
Felt need to say, suggesting why my original plan to
Close one door in favor of opening another has clearly
Changed for the better ...
As to whether I'll feel like posting or not, tomorrow—
At this point in time, your guess is as good as mine ...
No comments:
Post a Comment