2015
In order to assure that brainstorming leads one and all toward clarity of personal conviction, it's wise to identify denial as being a delusional mindset in need of being addressed.
Urban Dictionary's definition of denial (psychological):
Denial consists of the conscious mind's refusal to accept a past or present reality. Denial is most commonly employed to protect the host from identifying personal traits that create negative focus. Denial also protects us from remembering memories of the negative actions of another or to avoid recognising our own guilt for past actions, thoughts or feelings. (As you can see, denial is an exceptionally slippery little critter.)
Denial is a self defence mechanism employed by aspects of the subconscious mind in an attempt to protect the conscious mind's perception of emotional and psychological wellbeing.
Denial can be a scary and very sad thing to witness in someone, whom you love or care about deeply; it is generally very difficult to help someone (to muster the courage and humility necessary to) see the truth, and it can be quite difficult for a mind that needs to cling to denial to truly believe and accept a clear view of that portion of reality on a long term basis.
Though people deny responsibility, every day, for a number of reasons, denial goes far deeper into the psyche than that. While people in denial generally have the seed of truth buried within their subconscious, they generally cannot believe it is the truth even when confronted with proof. This is due to the Brain's imaginative ability to rewrite or superimpose a more acceptable perception of reality over the original memory.
Even with abject proof of an event's occurrence, a person, clinging to denial as a matter of safety, is highly unlikely to fully accept the particular reality with which he or she cannot cope. These people are more likely in that instance to use projection or minimisation, or they will continue or revert back to being in full blown denial.
Dictionary Brittanica:
Delusion, in psychology, is a rigid system of beliefs with which a person is preoccupied and to which the person firmly holds, despite the logical absurdity of the beliefs when facing a lack of supporting evidence ... Delusions, which vary in intensity, extent, and coherence, may represent exaggeration of normal tendencies to rationalization, wishful thinking, and the like. Among the most common are delusions of persecution and grandeur; others include delusions of bodily functioning, illness, guilt, love, and control.
And with those definitions in mind, you can see what a slippery critter denial can be for one and all to detect when we need to delude ourselves about this or that. And with this slice of knowledge defined, let's watch adult leadership guide a pair of dejected teen-aged brains to embrace a brainstorming frame of mind, which will lead us toward conflict resolution once mutual trust grows so strong as to inspire each person's narrowly focused mind set to open and expand at least enough to inject everyone's spirits with this hope: as long as we hold firmly to each other's hands, we can each make astute use of our brains to create change for the better, all around, one baby step, at a time ... On the other hand, if negatively focused judgements sour the solution-seeking nature of the discussion at hand, a sense of self protective divisiveness cracks the solidarity of emotional safety, and once divided, we fail each other and ourselves ...
After suggesting that their father return in one hour's time, I hug my friend on his way, close the front door, and turning to the twins, offer my troubled young friends a smile while signaling them to follow the pied piper past the whimsical art, adorning our spacious living room/dining room, and noting that the colorful nature of this eye-pleasing environment has been known to lift many a spirit (including mine) most especially during difficult times, we three make our way toward the round white sun kissed kitchen table, situated before a huge picture window that looks out at the serenity of the garden-like setting where songbirds alight upon my grapefruit tree while butterflies flit from flower to flower, and if your gaze floats up above the sapphire tiled hot tub, which is the central focus of our patio, you'll see my mountain, peaking high in the brilliant blue sky. So, as we three sit down in the comfort of glossy white, rounded acrylic chairs, each of which has a bright red cushion that cradles our buns, the twins and I take turns talking and listening while our chairs, swiveling on chrome pedestals, allow for freedom of movement when loved ones gather to converse or break bread, and once lemonade had been poured, the serious nature of our round table discussion gets underway ...
To the twins relief, I do not lead with a barrage of questions that causes defensive tension to rise. Instead, I get the ball rolling by fleshing in a couple of stories concerning my sons, which felt hair-raising to their father and me when teen-aged decisions made, long ago, landed one or another in a kettle of stew, which proved quite similar to the one that had boiled up around these two. As time spent in reflection allows me to convey serious stories in a humorous vein, the twins' suits of defensive armor fall away as naturally as laughter bubbles forth, all around, and once we three are solidly on the same page, our first chapter of getting brainstorming underway feels as eagerly welcomed by the twins as a cool breeze offers relief from the heat on a hot summer's day.
The particulars of the youthful decisions that landed the twins in the soup will not appear in this post. This post has been written to express the importance of establishing solid bonds of trust in order to disassemble the wall of defensiveness that dries up our ability to voice the depth of what we feel once lumps of tension tie our most intimate thoughts into tight little knots that get stuck in our throats, so that any word that manages to squeeze out of our mouths sounds more like emoting a croak than a heartfelt plea for understanding, guidance or help or all three, as this case proves to be.
Once the twins had listened to how I'd chosen to coach my sons with firmness and affection while cherishing the vulnerability of their inexperience, it was my turn to listen up as the detailed account of frustration—which had spurred them toward committing misdeeds that landed both in more of a stew than this pair of inexperienced fifteen year old minds could believe—poured, non stop out of their mouths. And as each confessed, freely, to emotions that had led to their half-baked decision-making process, I watched two tight-lipped lads become as open as water spouts with no faucets to turn off the flow of fear of losing their minds if someone did not offer them hope for change for the better—soon—and as their words (and actions) proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that both were dangling at the ends of their ropes, hanging on to their last shreds of sanity by mere threads, there was no question that someone had to initiate a change, fast! However, whatever that change would prove to be could not be decided by me.
At the hour's end, their father, who had just parked his car, curbside, right outside my front door, called, suggesting that he'd wait till we were through. Upon suggesting that Dino hold on, I asked the boys if they felt ready to open the depths of their despair to their dad, and my sigh of relief coupled with theirs when two hopeful heads bobbed eagerly up and down ... and by the time Dino had advanced to my front door, his sons had transformed themselves into the welcome wagon, eager to invite this 'newcomer' to embrace our brainstorming technique as a newly adopted, solution-seeking tool of his own, and in that manner did three minds, working as one to solve the problem at hand, expand to four ... or so we'd hoped ...
Rather than traipsing my team back to the kitchen, I led father and sons toward the U-shaped, conversational setting, provided by our living room couch, which is flanked with a love seat on both sides. Then, after suggesting the need to set one brainstorming rule in place, I asked Dino to follow my lead by listening (to whatever his sons felt ready to emote) with such an astute sense of thoroughness that no interrupting on the part of the voice of authority would take place until the twins had said their piece, and as Dino had placed his faith in my solution-seeking acuity many a time, the twins listened to their father's voice pass his baton of authority to me ... And here is why that change took place as smoothly as melted butter slips down our throats ... Once an atmosphere of mutual trust and respect has been firmly established, we four felt at ease placing every defensive 'weapon' in time out, readying all four brains to seek a solution, deemed workable to every age. In short, brainstorming in an emotionally safe environment opens intuition to sensing when it's wisest to lead and when to pass the baton and follow in the successful foot steps of another, and as Dino and I had exchanged family stories for decades and as these boys had come to me for years, we each knew what each other was made up of deep inside ... And in addition to admiring character traits, all around ... I'd become experienced at ferreting out denial ... if not within myself at least within others while brainstorming toward clarity was taking place ...
And as today's train of thought seems like more than enough to chew on for now, its time for me to wish you a five star day as I toddle off and begin to prepare the mouthwatering feast that I intent to serve to an assortment of treasured loved ones, who span three generations, as the solemn and yet festive nature of this holiday weekend draws near :)
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