1248 MY SPIRIT'S NEED TO RESUME DEPTH OF THOUGHT WHISPERS IN MY EAR

2015
Today I awoke with this train of thought running through my head:
Sometimes I could swear that my memory has a mind of its own
I say that because of the times when my think tank knocks on
My memory's door but the only one who's aroused proves to be
The stubborn, muscle-bound bouncer, who won't let me in and
As this guy resists any show of force on my part
All I get in return for talking to solid walls
Is a rebellious reaction, suggesting that no one's home
I mean, over my lifetime, I've gone to great lengths to
Create and catalogue a well organized library of
Past events, each of which can be found listed under
One of four columns:
A-Pleasurable, so repeat as often as possible
B-Necessary to my well being, so repeat as needed
C-Confusing, for countless reasons, so analyze and change for the better
D-Anxiety producing—and as anxiety and I don't mix
I'd call upon my defense system to wall up the worst of these
Fearsome experiences, which
Scared my think tank silly, behind a solid, sound proof door, and
Each time my defensive guard has successfully bolted excessive fear
Behind this door, my conscious mind falls under a spell, which
Makes me forget that memories, caged within my subconscious
Are empowered to haunt my well being from within
And though my ability to name those sleeping dogs proves unlikely
My defensive guard, looking to ensure
My conscious mind's sense of personal safety
Makes good use of one last nail to hammer
This message onto the front of that sound proof, solidly locked door :
WARNING:  DANGER ... ENTER AT RISK OF MEETING YOUR REAL SELF
Finally, after drawing a black curtain across that bolted door, behind which
Subconscious memories lurk in a raw and still painful state
I threw away the key to creating change for the better, and
Went about my life with no doubt that
Knowing myself as I do, I'm true to myself, through and through, and
As long as my greatest fears remain beyond your view and mine
I can maintain the false belief that no one knows how to take good care of
My mental, physical and spiritual needs better than me, and
As long as that false belief system directs my life
I can bamboozle my sense of clarity into believing that
I care less about certain experiences or certain people, when
Reality suggests that if I didn't care as deeply as I do
My defense sytem would not have been called upon to
Bury the painful truth, concerning the depth of my emotions, behind
Solid walls, deep within the subconscious portion of my mind, suggesting that
Imaginative rationalizations and logical thought processes are not one and the same

As the conscious portion of the human condition falls under columns A B or C
(Pleasurable or necessary to my well being or confusing and in need of clarification)
You can see why I'd thought this plan, cataloging  emotional reaction
Would simplify my ability to decide which experience to experiment with
And which to sidestep as the future unfolds
I mean, the simplicity of any plan, which
At first glance appears to be based in logic, seems to make so much sense that
The path of my future seemed pretty safe and straightforward, right?
Hmmm ... On second thought ...
How often does straightforward and safe lead toward
Ordinary, even boring, down the road?
Seriously, when the name of my chosen path is:
Love and Life, Lived To The Fullest
Reality suggests I keep this fact in the forefront of my conscious mind:
Emotion and logic are opposites, and opposites are
Meant to attract in order that we learn from each other's personal strengths, so
Whenever I con myself into believing that
Logic wins over emotion, like scissors wins over paper, then
Deeper truth suggests that I may have rocks in my head
And here's why this insight into our need to balance
Emotion with logic proves true, time and again:
Each time my defense system (which is based in
Emotional reactiveness) fools my think tank into believing
That no one knows me as well as I do, I need to consult with
A friend, who proving true blue, will
Look me in the eye and ask:  Will you please
Stop dancing around the truth long enough to
Muster the courage, patience and humility necessary to
Embark upon a quest toward self discovery in hopes of
Retrieving that key to unlocking the door in
Your memory bank, behind which
Your greatest fear has been torturing
Your peace of mind with spikes of unidentified anxiety, ever since
You were a wide-eyed child, who'd misguidedly believed
Your parents were godlike, and thus, whatever
Their reactions 'taught' you to believe ... about yourself ...
Must be true ... and though parental reactiveness may prove
Personally strengthening to one sibling, while proving
Detrimental to another, here's why parental belief—
Whether positive or negative in nature
Can prove devastating to budding self esteem, all around:
While cutting our teeth, we grow up, looking outward
Seeking the admiration of others, and when
Admiration is not forthcoming, a child tends to believe
That he or she is doing something irreparably wrong when
Deeper truth suggests that embracing an intuitive
Experiemental approach to life and love is as right as rain, which
As we know, must fall in every life while our child-like spirits continue to
Reach intuitively, courageously and determinedly toward
Testing parental limits, which proves scary but necessary if
We are ever to unlock that door, behind which
Subconscious fear is stored, and not until we choose to
Set out on a conscious quest to retrieve the key that offers us
Untold opportunities to search within more deeply than ever before
Do we come to know the sum of our parts, which makes us whole
And here's why that's all I'll write for today:
The spirit of Socrates just slid down a sun beam from on high in the sky
He came to encourage me to nourish my spirit by continuing to
Identify subconscious fears that inhibit me from
'Doin what feels natural' to me
And after the sage listened to my learned response that
That kind of selfish behavior breeds chaos
My friend chuckled and replied:
Annie, a certain amount of anxiety-producing chaos
Proves necessary to re-organizing
A false belief system that limits your choices
I think you've forgotten that before offering you clearance to
Live your dream, I filled your think tank with
The wisdom inherent in The Line Of Control, and
Now, it's my hope that you'll continue to pass forward
My message—concerning balance in all things—in today's post
Then, with a flutter of wings, my friend rose off my shoulder, and
Right before taking flight, the sage tossed me a smile and
A gold star, which he'd plucked from the sky, and
The last words I heard before
Eternal Wisdom flew out of sight but not out of mind were these:
'Keep up the good work, Annie; once you remember that
Perfection is not the goal, your power of intuition will
Overcome subconscious fear of failing those you love, and as
Peace of mind, duly earned, shall be your just reward,  you'll be just fine
But wait!  I implored ...
I didn't know 'balance in all things' was your thing , and
I'd thought my line of control was godsent, and
What of your message:  Know thyself?
At this, my wise friend, who personifies
The universal spirit of eternal wisdom, actually
Chortled aloud and though he'd flown out of sight into
A cloud, I found that he'd chosen to hover just close enough for
Me to catch on to yet one more insight before he
Rocketed away to impart wisdom around the globe, and
Thus, by listening attentively, did I hear my friend, who
Embodies deeper truth passed forward through the ages—reply:
Do you think a guy like me would have risen to sagehood
Had I only two words of wisdom to impart throughout my entire lifetime?
Get real!
At that, we laughed at the truth, and I relaxed with the knowledge that
Men may use fewer words than women, but that does not equate with
Their harboring fewer thoughts, deep inside, concerning
Heartfelt emotion, which finds it tough to
Hide out of sight, forever and a day ...
And if you ask how I know that to be true, I'd reply:
First of all, the faith that I place in my powers of intuition is hard to shake, and
Secondly, I raised three sons, whom, upon embracing manhood
Continue to demonstrate the depth of their heartfelt emotional reactions as
Openly, avidly and passionately as did my dad ... sooo
If you suggest that men are logical and women are emotional
I'd respectfully suggest that you might want to think on
That misconceived belief—again :)

Had you known me as a child in pigtails
You'd have seen an avid reader, whose curiosity, concerning
People and places, was as easily aroused as was true of
My high spirited sense of fun while I'd skipped merrily through
My early years, thoroughly enjoying my role as
Sidekick to my adventurous dad—
On the other hand, photos, taken during my childhood
Show both arms bandaged, because anxiety, which
Remained unnamed, caused me to itch to uncover
A fear, which remained embedded under my skin until
Recently, when I discovered the fact that I'd lugged around
A ton of undeserved guilt, concerning this mistaken belief, which
Had burrowed deep within a pocket of my subconscious memory in
The aftermath of my baby sister's death:
I 'know' myself as not being good enough to feel worthy of my parents' love ...
Oy Gevalt!  Talk about a belief in need of re-evaluation!

Over these past twenty years
It's been my good fortune to
Fly or sail to many fascinating countries throughout
This great big wonderful world of ours; however
No adventure, whether read or taken purely by choice
Has offered my mind reason to explore more deeply into
The meaning of love and life than
Every spiritual excursion that I've chosen to take since
Diving into the depths of self discovery, and
As each courageous dive serves to
Relax yesteryear's fears more thoroughly than before
Today's travails tend to lighten up as quickly and naturally as
My think tank has grown practiced at redirecting
Negatively focused trains of thought toward
A positively focused track, thus
Brightening the path of my future for this reason:
Each time I consciously reset the course of my attitude by
Setting my defense system aside
My think tank feels free to come up with a plan, based in clarity, which
Aligns reality, concerning safety, with satisfying
My unmet needs in ways that prove better balanced, today, than ever before :)
And Amen to a serious, yet whimsical, stream of consciousness that
Truly frees me to be true to the sum of my whole self, at last!

In addition to pigtails and bandages, see truly happy smile with book in lap :)

Imagine my daddy standing before me, snapping this photo of his sidekick at the fair
No need to mention bandages, which are plain to see

As to my pigtails,
Look closely and you'll see braids pinned up, peeking out from under
The jaunty curve of my hat, suggestive of this fact:
The little we see on the surface of life is not all there is know—

Hopefully, you've noticed that little by little

My memory is feeling less rebellious

More encouraged to resume storytelling on its own—
Gotta love it when a plan (born of intuitive thought)
Comes together, step by step, over time, especially
When that plan relieves anxiety, saves your sanity and
Meets heartelt needs, which feed your spirit and mine, suggesting, yet again, that
Each time we wholly embrace 'balance in all things', all's well that ends well! :)