633 SURPRISE! I AM HERE ...

Didn't think I'd show up for a while

Goes to show how little I know for sure

Here I am—because ...

I awoke angry

I think I am angry at life

I think it's important to know

What caused angry thoughts to arise to ensure that

Negative feelings do not unload on people I love

Fortunately

I have a productive outlet for anger

As my productive outlet is writing

Here I am—trying to understand why I awoke angry, today

I think I'm angry at life

Which translates to

I am angry at everything

That proves beyond my control

Normally

When emotion runs high on all sides

I am practiced at maintaining

My sense of logical reasoning

In short, I am practiced at crises control

And though these past two days prove that to be true ...

Today, I awoke angered at too much stress

Pounding away at my head, all at once

Hopefully

By way of writing

I'll unearth, for myself, specific reasons

As to why anger is biting into the best of me, right now

I think I used up my allotment of positive focus

At the hospital, over the past couple of days

I think, way deep down inside, I'm more concerned
About my son's health than I've allowed myself to know

I think I did not have a clue as to how much

My brain's been fooling me

I think I tired of holding fear and frustration at bay

I think I awoke too spent to conjure up intelligent thought, at first

Perhaps my first thoughts were not my best thoughts for this reason:

In addition to worrying over my son's crushing chest pain

Additional situations have been frustrating, confusing me

For several months

Perhaps my need to deny this potent combination of
Fear, frustration, confusion has caused me to feel

Less content, less coherent, more disjointed, more discontent

Than I've consciously known

Perhaps reality, poking through denial, suggests that
I've been carrying several missiles inside my mind

Waiting on hair triggers to be launched ...

All I know for certain is this:

I don't want to muster the energy

Necessary

To draw forth my strengths—

Instead, all I want to say is this ...

Positive focus be gone ...

I feel the need to release pent up tension, confusion and fear

I feel the need to relieve this pounding headache
In a cleansing torrent of tears

Though I want to be a mom who creates

A healing environment for my son

I need a strong shoulder to cry on—

Right now ...

Though tears trickle down my cheeks as I write

Torrents of emotion remain damned inside

This makes me wonder if my LINE OF CONTROL

Is too damned developed for my own good

Of course, it's best to showcase good humored strength

Each time I walk into my son's room ...

On the other hand, it's important to admit to feeling

Emotionally taxed, unrelaxed, confused—to myself

Perhaps all I need do

To take good care of us both is to remind myself of this:
If two sides exist within us all then ...

That's true for me, too

Perhaps this new train of thought

Will pull into the station

Whereby I'll feel effective

At balancing emerging emotion with logical thought, simultaneously

Once emotion and logic rebalance
I can ensure that this natural out pouring of anger

At human vulnerability on all sides

Will not leap out at any person who wishes both of us well

As subconscious fear concerning

Mom's struggle with cancer at 99 ...

Combines with yesterday's relief

At hearing that ...

My son, in the prime of his life

Has tested free of

Heart disease or blood clots

You'd think I'd be at least half way home, right?

So—why did I awaken, today

Feeling such a strong need to be the babe

Rocked in the cradle

At least for a little while?

Why?

Because pent up emotion is repressed energy

And this morning, repressed negative energy

Is proving in need of release

So rather than biting off a head

Innocent of any wrongdoing whatsoever

I know to sit down and write my thoughts

Until insight clears confusion and my inner strengths revitalize

Thank goodness I know

That I'll revert to care taking roles

As soon as understanding clarifies mixed emotions

Which are messing with my mind

Actually, I'm beginning to think

My anger is not directed at life

I'm beginning to think my anger is focused at

Human vulnerability—most especially my own

Yes, that's it—upon second thought

I am angry at many situations that remain beyond my control

And guess what?  It's ok to feel that way—at least for right now

Because ...

I am daughter, who wishes her mother well

I am mother, who wishes her son well

I AM WOMAN—weary of confusing frustrations

HEAR ME ROAR!

Later
When my pent up need for roaring has released

I'll call my mom
And be her doting, long distance daughter

Then
After retrieving my cheerful smile
I'll walk into my son's hospital room

With optimism's good nature intact and chicken soup in hand ...

As for right now—
I'd like to say thanks to my friends for letting me vent
When mind missiles, bouncing with negative energy
Proved in need of launching

As soon as test results are known
I'll clue you in

So far, CT scan shows a lesion on my son's lung …

Doctor's thoughts still leaning toward Valley Fever ...