BOOK ONE CHAPTER 3 FIRST KISS Part 11 Setting the Scene for Mega Meltdown

Here’s a question that’s key to starting your engine—When ‘they’ say—the answers are within you, why don’t ‘they’ add:  The answers you seek are secreted within your subconscious, and no one can enter your brain’s tightly locked inner sanctum but you—However, before a heightened sense of self awareness can enter your brain’s tightly locked inner sanctum where insights abound, your thought processor has need to relax inner tension so as to tap ever so naturally into your intuitive powers, which, with bated breath, wait in the wings of the theater of life in hopes of offering the conscious portion of your brain a complex series of cues concerning how best to sidestep around your defense system which stands guard over the master key that will open the door in your wall of denial so that your newfound sense of clarity, which had been clouded by unidentified fear, can clearly see your heart’s deepest, unmet desire awaiting your arrival once yesteryear’s whispers of undeserved guilt have absorbed sound reason to transform into your very own existential voice of emotional freedom, which has also been waiting in the wings to walk assuredly onto the center stage of your life, head held high, supported by self respect’s towering inner strengths, which, feeling naturally self-empowered to orchestrate your newly healed wholesome self to blend all sides of you so harmonically as to see you develop into the lead character in your very own operetta, who readily belts out these lyrics from the rafters as your voice echos throughout the amphitheaters of the world—OhsweetmysteryoflifeatlastIvefoundyou!!! (Ala Jeanette and Eddie)

Once your newly freed intuitive powers feel well practiced at stringing together inter-related insights concerning the secreted whereabouts of the master key to unlocking your sense of readiness to leap ever more courageously over anxiety so as to plunge into the deepest layers of the dark side of your brain where childhood’s primary unidentified fear of rejection (based in failure to please) remains achingly unresolved, your intuitive intelligence will offer up strings of insight brightening your sense of wholeness to understand what had stimulated your strengths to periodically fall to pieces behind your wall of denial, and as your just reward (for resiliently reassembling your strengths by making sound use of this missing master key, repeatedly) your capacity to communicate honestly with yourself concerning layers of repressed emotional reactions (each of which proves in need of excavation) that your defense system had buried alive within your subconscious during childhood, will continue to be enhanced so that situations, which proved too sadly confounding or desperately terrifying to comprehend by your younger self, will finally make sense, and each time you gain the confidence to dive ever more deeply into your psyche so as to emerge with and openly confront and achingly revive yet another layer of yesteryear’s anesthetized angst—that’s when, having experienced courage defeating unexamined fear, yet again, your processor will feel need to rest before your intuitive powers cue your intelligence into readiness to unlock the next door within your brain’s inner sanctum until, ultimately, your host of inner strengths empowers your mind’s eye to open THE DOOR behind which your primary inner conflict between courage and fear has been held captive, in need of identification and resolution ever since ‘way back when’ your shattered personal sense of safety had believed that your self conceived misperceptions were true until deeper truths began to speak to you, offering proof that your belief system and that which has always been factual has never been a match, and not until your personal belief system (concerning your well developed leadership skills) has mustered the courage to openly confront your fear of disclosing your unhealed vulnerabilities will the last missing key to masterminding peace of mind appear ever so gracefully within the open minded palm of your emotionally rebalanced hand, at long last ... Whew!

As for me, I'm feeling nearly ready to relive—I mean narrate—the painful scene in the alley, where the mind of a dark haired, blue eyed, twelve year old girl who's been secretly crushing on a tall, blond twelve year old boy, is about to experience a sneak attack of PTSD stimulated by an unexpected spike of subconscious fear, which, like a bolt of lightening, is sure to strike Annie’s friendship with Joseph straight through both of their hearts.  (By the way, tis common for light hearted love scenes to slide down slippery slopes where yesteryear’s unexamined life (hello Socrates) stimulates subconscious anxiety to spike so suddenly on both sides that neither boy nor girl can dodge bullets zinging, back and forth, wounding every stout heart in sight—and sadly, only The Shadow Mind knows why everyone who cares is bound to fill his/her half full cups with silent tears, for years.)

If subconscious wounds splash out of
Two minds simultaneously then
Repressed demons will be
Unleashed to bite into
Tender flesh
On both sides until—

Heartfelt friendship, feeling deeply pierced
Misreads silence as being so uncaring as to
Arouse basic instincts to feel so deeply injured as to
Lunge and bite back followed by limping painfully
Away into separate caves where self confidence with
One another suffers a premature demise

Upon feeling mortally attacked, this pair of
Sweethearts instinctively submerges, swimming
Ever more blindly in dark murky, self protective
Circles until neither can make heads or tails of what
In tarnation caused love gone wrong to drown—
So THE BLAME GAME begins

As Joseph and Annie will have had no clue
Whatsoever of the fact that repressed
Anxieties, based in yesteryear's painful
Rejections, await ‘reason’ to pounce out of
The subconscious portion of their memories
Both are sadly clueless about this classic fact of life:

Once The Blame Game picks up steam
Egocentric defensiveness knocks out
Logic on both sides so that
Listening skills go down for the count
And as both hearts ache with repressed pain
Each one feels nothing but hurt by the other

Since we do not expect true love's first kiss
To unleash subconscious demons of
Mega proportions on both sides, let’s see
What happens when misperceptions arouse
Emotional reactions that go from good to bad to
Worst scenario ever—for two, nice, unsuspecting kids ...

BOOK ONE CHAPTER 3 FIRST KISS Part 10 1/2 Budding Thoughts of Sexuality Marinate in Young Brains

2019
Pls be forewarned—the complex content of this train of thought needs some work
Rather than detailing where my head has spent these past three weeks
(Half of that time ‘enjoying (?) spring break with in sunny CA with
Our immediate family) I’ll start by copying and pasting
A portion of a published train of thought in preparation of
Showcasing how sadly a flash flood of undiagnosed PTSD had affected
Annie’s and Joseph’s deeply valued friendship, badly, as you shall
See once this couple, in need of being released from their
Flash frozen state on center stage, experience a meltdown of
Heart stopping, emotionally shocking proportions in
The immediate aftermath of their first kiss—ever—leaving
Both preteen think tanks reeling, feeling utterly clueless concerning
The uprising of emotionally defensive, instinctively
Self protective patterns of reactivity that had been utterly
Devoid of so much as a glimmer of insight spotlighting this fact:
Their surface reactions had offered each other no sign that
Their love for one another had been pierced through and
Through with emotional pain, which, having remained
Bottled up inside their hearts, left both feeling so deeply
Confounded as to believe each had been rejected by the other—

Fortunately, over recent years, my processor has developed
An ever deepening sensitivity to intuitive trains of thoughts, which
Penetrate my persona’s false front so as to relieve my honest
Emotional reactions from feeling need to ‘save face’ behind
A stoic mask that suggests ‘everything is fine so please don’t ask
If anything is amiss or I, chancing to glance anxiously back over
My shoulder, may lose my grip of the edge of sanity’s need to
Maintain my false sense of surface emotional composure based in
The fact that I’ve not yet grown aware of how often my persona
Sneaks out and fools no one as much as me suggesting that
My processor has become so steeped in layers of denial as to
Fool me into believing that my false front is actually
ME, through and through, which is why you can see and
Hear my vulnerabilities and faults more clearly than can I —

Thank goodness over recent years, my intuitive powers
Based in depths of self awareness clue the conscious portion of
My mind into my need to stop flash freezing my honest
Feelings so as to free my processor's existential authenticity to
Bypass my persona pretense of perfection so as to
Identify and express the full spectrum of emotion inclusive of
Elation, confusion, sadness, anger (respectfully) and
All degrees of fear, beginning with low levels of anxiety
Escalating to all-encompassing terror that transforms
Intelligent thoughts into nothing more than
Mental waves of negatively focused static, thus making
Mincemeat of any train of thought that attempts to
Convey so much as one word into the conscious
Portion of my processor leaving me speechless when
I am most in need of expressing my take of
A situation, clearly, so as to own and confront
My personal sense of terror up front rather than
Unconsciously switching tracks toward
‘Faking emotional perfection' whenever
Common sense suggests it’s best to consciously place
The transparency of my personal vulnerabilities on
Display (or in time out for a short while while
My intelligence assesses the situation) so as to offer
My loved ones the host of my heartfelt reactions with
Mindfulness of honoring the concept of mutual respect until
My intuitive powers can venture ever more introspectively
And thus naturally into the inner sanctum of my subconscious
(As was the case in CA, last week, when Will was
Diagnosed with Bell’s palsy, which—before his diagnosis was
Medically confirmed by a neurologist in the ER—had scared
Me half to death for sound reason being that all I could see at
First glance was the paralysis distorting the left side of his face—
Which to my untrained eye suggested that he'd suffered a stroke—
OMG!  I mean—a stroke??  What else would I think, having had 
No clue about Bell’s palsy until the ER doc informed us all ..

And now that you know some of the places my head has been over
Recent weeks, let’s ready ourselves to release the narrator from
Her flash frozen state (at least for a minute or two) so as to
Speak from the rafters though intuition suggests that Annie's and
Joseph's disastrous first kiss may remain suspended into
The future for a day or two longer—just saying—in hopes of
Encouraging you to fortify your processor’s expansive connection to
Patience, because I have a feeling that you and I may have need to
Make use of this inner strength—wisely ...

Hello again, my friends; I truly appreciate your patience
As for me, I’m feeling kind of stiff and in need of
Limbering up my think tank after my lengthy stay in
The rafters, and so may zi respectfully remind you of
My plan to consciously continue to refocus
My busy as a beehive brain to actually relax in
The midst of turmoil so as to venture
Ever more introspectively into the depths of
The inner sanctum of my subconscious in
Hopes of emerging from times past with
A mega-sized string of insights (once our story
Picks up where it left off), which will relieve
My heart of yet another bag of repressed angst
Compressed into compost made up of
Unprocessed anger, pain and grief,  which has been
Seeping out as anxiety or spurting forth as a migrant
Force of frustration, swelling beyond the confines of
My brain as though pushing its heavy weight against
My wall of denial in hopes of releasing reality to relieve
My head of that migraine of mega proportionsm which
HS been attacking me from within, over these past few weeks
Suggesting that my brain’s holding tank, which stores yesteryear’s
Unprocessed (repressed) angst, must, somehow
Feel stimulated to act like a sump pump filled to
Overflowing during a thunderous storm, and thus do I feel
Need to circum/vent storytelling just a bit longer to save my
Spirit from wrestling with repressed angst on the move like
Lava sliding down hill—oh no!  Not again!  Please—
Anna—just LET IT GO as sung by Elsa in (flash) Frozen—
Holy cow!  No wonder why that film remains a hit with young and old!

If you recall the heavy weight of angst that I’d felt
Need to consider during the week BEFORE we drove to CA
You may remember that I'd experienced the anniversary of
My mother's death, my sister flew in from the Midwest
One of my sons was very ill and Ravi, too, both in
Need of breathing treatments, while my niece moved
Forty five minutes away from us to be near to her
Office right before being told she was laid off, and
My retired fixer exclaimed angrily in the still of the night —
Someone DO Something to inspire change
For the better before this build up of inner tension explodes
And I lose all control over relaxing the bee hive nature of
My brain! Then, while on our way to CA, an accident on
The freeway held us up for quite some time after which
The engine light lit up, and we found ourselves waiting
Three hours while our car was being repaired—and
I was seen smiling and reassuring Will that this was
One of life’s small irritations, which would pass once we
Arrived safe and sound in CA where I made a wrong move
And wouldn’t ya just know it—my sciatica flared, and
I’d feared Will had had a stroke until we rushed him to
The ER where he was diagnosed with Bell's palsy
And as I can’t remember what else may have already
Been suppressed or repressed behind my ever ready
Smile, well—hopefully you can understand why I’d
Stated that while we were enjoying (?) our vacation
My storytelling narrator has been patiently awaiting
An intuitive cue pointing to my exhausted bee hive’s
Readiness to stop dripping honeyed words
Here and there, so as to lift the curtain and reveal
Annie’s and Joseph’s surprising emotional reactions to
Their FIRST KISS flailing around on center stage until
My spirit had vented a whale-sized portion of
Current angst rather than adding even more to yesteryear’s
Undertow of frustration tinged with sadness, based in this
Conscious awareness:  My retired (yet still vigilant) fixer's
Inability to heal Will turned scared into a repressed
Reaction of MAD, while on the surface I’d felt
Relieved and grateful that he’d not suffered a stroke; on
Theother hand, thankfully my conscious awareness of
Everything that took place within a matter of days, has begun
To sink in, and with self awareness in tact, my conscious mind
Remembers to grow ever more attentive to my need to
Excavate yesteryear’s emotional turmoil, buried alive, since
Much of the angst, pounding to get out of my head had felt
Stimulated to reawaken from the past so as to seep through
The cracks of my processor’s innermost sanctum, which
Has been blending yesteryear’s compost with angst concerning
Here and Now—and with today’s heightened sense of awareness
Brightening my wearied bee hive, I'm feeling hopeful that with
Awareness, I can control the unexpected leakage of
Latent angst and current fear to calm down to a trickle that
Will be less likely to overwhelm my processor as had proved true
During these past few tension-ridden weeks, and thus has
Today’s vision of brain stacked overload intuitively identified
A host of reasons answering why my mental energy has
Felt thoroughly spent, suggesting that by freeing
My whole self to relax, the retired fixer may ease
Ever more naturally, less challengingly toward acceptance of
This lengthy process of healing, which proves decades
Overdue, and hopefully, the cloudy nature of
Repressed compose, which, having been recently released to
Fog up my mind, will not continue to take years to clearly
Fully resolve—I mean at this late stage of my life, how
Many years, unclouded by yesteryear’s unprocessed angst, will
Be mine to fully enjoy in good health?  (On the other hand
I wonder how many others unknowingly lug around
Their emotional baggage, which feels as heavy as
A garbage can filled with stone cold rocks, to their graves?
And with the complex nature of this train of thought
(Concerning today’s hopeful attitude conflicting with
And overpowering yesteryear’s unprocessed angst) chugging
Forward, I’ll place my faith in this self empowering belief:
My compulsive need to consciously ascend to each next level of
Emotional maturation is, once again, on the rise, and
As heartfelt gain is universally known to follow growing pains
I’ve decided to refortify my intuitive sense of patience so as to
Free the innermost sanctum of my mind to focus ever more readily
Upon subconscious readiness to spotlight SOS signals highlighting
Each next string of insights that will continue to remain beyond
My conscious awareness until my readiness to gain access into
Yet another secret annex behind my wall of denial where the next
Deeper truth, too complex for a child’s processor to
Fathom, has been lying in wait for my current level of
Emotional intelligence to maturely embrace my need to
Revisit the next deeply unhappy stage of my life in hopes of
Absorbing an insight-driven intuitive train of thought, which upon
Full disclosure to my conscious awareness will clarify
The emotional complexity of much more than yesteryear’s
Conundrum experienced by a girl and a boy who’d
Cared more deeply for each other than words could express, and
As taking proactive action blew up in Joseph’s inexperienced preteen
Face, I’m eager to see what today's insight-laden train of thought is
Signaling my sense of readiness to slide into and then out of
My processor, fully baked, at long last—Whew!

Having clearly stated my intention to move our story forward
I believe my storyteller will soon feel naturally stimulated to
Lift the curtain and release the most crucial scenes of
FIRST KISS Part 6, based in this belief:
My brain’s intuitive (innate) subconscious need to heal itself of
Childhood trauma feels strong until fear of recalling memories of
Visualizing my small self in the clutches of a pedophile release
Each next uprising of latent angst to emerge as
My adult intelligence grows ever more consciously aware of
Early life experiences so hard to bear as to have injured my
Self worth due to a small child’s misinterpretation of
Defensive reactions shot in my direction by loved ones who’d
Loved me as unwisely as I’d learned to love them, and as
I’ve come to believe that mutually reactive defensiveness remains
Repressed in an unprocessed state within us all until
One person musters the courage to say 'I understand your pain'
My personal need to reconnect with clear headedness will continue to
Feel consciously in need of repair, and so we come to see why
The intuitive nature of my intelligence readies the introspective side of
My spirit to dive ever more deeply into my current mental capacity to
Re-evaluate traumatic moments from my past, repeatedly, ever more
Objectively until the injured portion of my processor emerges, yet
Again, with sound reason to surface with insights sparking bursts of
Positively focused energy which inject my self image with yet another
Piece of the puzzle needed to continue to restore my memory’s sense of
Wholeness, which had shattered as if my self image had been a mirror in
Need of being reassembled and restored to resemble the happy-go-lucky
Two year old, who, before turning three, had witnessed tragedy bursting through
Our front door, not once but twice in a matter of weeks, both times callously
Striking fear straight into the very heart of my extended family before
My processor had developed the capacity to comprehend that I was not to
Hold myself at fault for the depth of my loved one’s angst-ridden
Grief, because ever since the age of three, whenever anything has been amiss
My current sense of self has felt a subconscious uprising of undeserved
Guilt surging through my nervous system as though compelling my processor’s
Fixer to spin her wheels until an intuitive sense of insight switches tracks to
Shine its spotlight upon yet another opportunity to spy a sharp shard of that
Shattered mirror, which, reflecting the brokenness of my self image, feels
Need to be pulled out of my heartfelt need to FIX every problem before
A loved one’s pain escalates from ‘a two’ to ‘a ten’, and thus have
I grown toward feeling deeply compelled to work to the ninth degree of
My mental capacity to offer support (today, within reason) while
Simultaneously cradling whatever is still left of the injured lass, who
Had once been me, within the safety of today’s emotionally matured
Embrace until such time as my heart feels securely restored to its
Lively self, once more, at which time (and not before)
The intuitive portion of my processor offers my storyteller a sense of
'All clear ahead’ as a cue to lift my pen in readiness to reveal
The next insight-driven portion of the story at hand in hopes of
Gifting each of us with a bird’s eye view of the purity of prepubescent
Innocence, which had so sadly been damaged within my psyche before
A man-child’s unexpected, hormone-driven, impassioned emotional reaction felt
Instinctively stimulated to grasp the shoulders of a young girl’s first blush of
Femininity against his chest with such magnetic impulsivity as if
A force, greater than both of us combined, had naturally burst through
Joseph’s boyish, half-baked connection to self control so instinctively
As to have shocked the dizzied brains of both lad and lass to the max!
And having reviewed where we'd left the lead characters in this story
Flash frozen on center stage—ready or not—here comes their meltdown ...

2 ALL I HAVE TO DO IS DREAM DREAM DREAM

First things first—
As you begin to read today’s stream of consciousness
Please note that it is vacuumed packed with
Self-liberating insights—Some new some not—
And each time old merges with new, eventually
The comprehensive interrelatedness of the whole
Kit and caboodle will showcase how each insight
Ignites the next until a humdinger of a brand new
Awareness strikes a match, recharging my spirit to
Light up like a firework’s finale on Independence Day—

Once my processor reviewed every insight that
I’d felt need to voice, again, a lump of fear
Leaped out of my throat releasing a chuckle, which
Popped out of my mouth along with this duet of words:
Operatic Libretto—and with a song in my heart reinvigorating
Hope to brighten my spirit, my attitude lightened up, because
Insight had shone its spotlight of deeper truth upon
This reality:  Though no part of the picture painted below
Resembles a light hearted operetta dancing
Dreamily through my mind, today’s
Stream of consciousness has hit upon
The primary reason why the content of
Today’s lucid train of thought is meant to
Clearly express my own heavy hearted libretto, which
Brings to mind aGermanic tragedy—such as the one
I’d attended in Santa Fe’s open air amphitheater close to
Two decades ago at which time I came to see that
Pain-wracked stories were not my cup of tea, so
Finding myself penning one or two of my own feels
Ironic to say the least—on the other hand, you might
Like to know that stories, which I plan to write
Following these (showcasing my childhood’s deeply
Troubled silenced storms), will, for the most part, offer
Happy endings resulting in light hearted smiles, all
Around, based in this reality:  My primary reason for
Penning stories ladened with strings of insight is not to
Bare pain wracked angst secreted from my conscious
Awareness beginning at the age of three but rather to
Expose the highly determined, deeply resilient nature of
My existential development, detours and all—to me—thus
Heightening my processor’s self awareness to more deeply
Absorb an attitude of self respect based in my spirit’s intuitive
Compulsion to cimb up the ladder where each next
Level of emotional maturity is achieved one arduous
Rung at a time, and secondly, the certified communication’s
Instructor inside me hopes to edify both genders of
All ages to feel better prepared to spy classic pitfalls that
Darken our perceptions of others when our defense systems
Repress our strongest emotional reactions so
 habit/ually that over time, a false front layers up
Creating a persona, patterned to seem cool, calm and
Collected until, like a hot air balloon, pierced
Unexpectedly, our false fronts explode, big time, and
Vulnerabilities, secreted from ourselves, are exposed taking
A tumble from on high, so fast and scary as to feel as if
Somewhere along the way down, we’ve lost our wits, and
As the same life lessons repeat themselves and snowball until
We come to see inner need to grow ever more self aware
And as that scenario has happened to me more than once over
The course of my life, I hope that my detailed descriptions of
Highly personal and yet classic experiences, which had
Undermined and hollowed out the well balanced nature of
A kind, compassionate, loving intelligent woman’s
Peace of mind, your processor may gain access to absorbing
Classic insights less painfully than had been true of mine, and
With that secondary purpose in mind I plan to offer up
A series of insight-laden stories clarifying specific reasons why 
I chose to raise my young to freely express every emotion
(Within reason) felt by mankind while my intuitive powers
Continued to deepen so as to expand my processor’s capacity to
Entice my sons to consciously place their defense systems
(Along with mine) in time out so as to strengthen
Their connection to logic during discussions concerning
Topics, which are commonly considered too hot for kids to
Broach openly, honestly and comfortably with
Parental figures of authority, and having clarified that
Thematic duality for choosing to air our
Family stories, highlighting my processor’s intuitive
Step by step approach toward enhancing
Family communications, one day at a time, here
Comes yet another factor dancing freely out of
The innermost depths of my well educated mind, which
Had I not chosen to review today’s insight laden
Train of thought would have been missed by
My conscious awareness—grammatical mistakes
Many of which I hold auto-correct accountable for
Increasing in number, have irritated my ire by
Senselessly adding glitches to a reader’s clarity of
Trains of thought, which already prove so complex as to
Challenge the attention of the most intelligent minds to
Continue to absorb insights serving to enhance
Depth perception, and thus will my processor’s
Fixer fixate upon need to fix each mistake missed once
The retired teacher, who resides within
A spacious apartment inside my brain (where
Tomes concerning a wide range of subjects
Are stacked on shelves that rise from floor to ceiling)
Finds time to correct technical errors in need of
Repair; however those improvements will
Have to wait until my wearied brain has processed
The wealth of insights, penned below, each of which
Is meant to be self inspiring as I continue to liberate
The arrested development of the self assertive portion of
My voice, which trauma had shockingly silenced, first
When my healthy (or so we thought) Grandpa and sister
Died suddenly, several weeks apart, followed by
My body being manhandled, repeatedly, within
The sordid clutches of a pedophile, who’d 
Taken advantage of the fact that my ability to
Scream for help had choked up behind that terrified lump of
Anxiety, which, having grown to goiter-like proportions
Remained tensely lodged inside my throat ready to pounce
And swallow my lucidity whole just as a snake in
The grass slithers toward it’s unsuspecting prey, which
Feeling stuck, quivering in a dark fearful place, describes
Me to a tee during the terrifying aftermath of
Inexplicable deaths and physical attacks, all of which had
Served to retard the natural development of
My intelligent psyche’s existential voice by
Rousing my defense system to repress and
Flash freeze a host of emotionally charged vulnerabilities that
Remained subconsciously locked up directly behind
My smiling persona, offering the conscious portion of
My think tank not so much as even one
Clue of the fact that deep inside the secreted portion of
My pain wracked brain the innate power of
Intuitive thought had need to develop so
As to inspire my intelligence to grow ever more
Objective until, one day, I’d feel self inspired to set out
Upon an existential quest (think Ulysses)
Traveling back and forth through each stage of my life in such
An open minded fashion as to, one day, find that
The missing key to self libretto—I mean—liberation,had been
Within the tight fisted palm of my hand, all along, awaiting
My conscious awareness to unlock the answer to
The question as to why the process of
Existential liberation from yesteryear’s angst tends to
Prove lengthy, exhausting and unnerving to the
Max, and as we make sound use of that master key to
Unlock one secreted cell within my brain after another
You can feel assured to know that with my emotionally
Matured sense of well practiced patience intact
I plan to remain fully committed to open doors behind which
My need to wrestle each next latent uprising of yesteryear’s
Unprocessed anxiety to the mat will enter the
Ring and win each match (between courage and fear)until
Every ghost-like glimmer of repressed angst has been
Drawn forth and courageously tamed by
My retrained brain, which will refrain from attacking
My current sense of peace in the still of
The night, and once my defense system feels
Sound reason to relax anxiety from standing guard 24/7
I’ll not feel need to stimulate the silenced voice of
Yesteryear’s deeply repressed angst to call aloud for
Help while the rest of me thrashes about on
Our bed in a dreamscape of unconscious resistance to
Remaining trapped forever within a nightmare
In which I continue to see myself as
Feeling so endangered that Will is awakened by
The shrillness of my brain’s desperation to free
My adult psyche from feeling entangled within
A complicated web of emotional reactions so long
Repressed as to emerge from the dark side of
My subconscious disguised as night terrors that
Shatter the silence as if my intuitive intelligence
Must feed its need to rock and roll around
The clock in vigilante fashion so as to
Slay yesteryear’s inner demons until my memory grows so
Bold as to dive ever more courageously into 
The lightening swift electrical storms of my past in
Hopes of rescuing a child whose desperation to
Empower herself to escape from fear of death as well as
The pedophile’s grasp (though he’s been
Dead and buried these many years) continues to
Cause me to feel need to brace myself tensely to push
King Kong away from pressing menacingly against
My naked vulnerabilities in my bed at night while
Daylight sees the beast-like presence of this ghostlike
Mobster holding me hostage wherever I go by looming
Shadowlike overhead, 24/7, and though today’s
Self empowering string of insights
Has just constructed a clearly conceived
Conscious awareness of a repressed fear, which, having
Unknowingly tormented my peace of mind, had
Remained locked within a constant state of fogginess behind
My ego’s wall of denial throughout every stage of 
My entire life until this very moment, when, thank goodness
The intuitive portion of my brain guided my pen to
Release and reveal the deeply reviled, repressed feeling of
Having been stalked like prey by the tag team made up of
The Specter of premature death and a sexual predator, one
Word at a time, and thus do we come to see why I offer
Free rein to my brain, which, when functioning as
A well balanced whole, remains fully engaged with
Formulating an ongoing plan concerning how best to release
Each next insight-driven train of thought so as to convey
Yet another secreted deeper truth toward
My conscious awareness, which is a given, as long as
I do naught to free fear to run interference with
Whatever ‘unknown’ is in the process of chugging its way out of
My brain’s lengthy tunnel, which coils round and round
Inside my head while focusing its headlight upon
Strategizing a streamlined approach to coax
My subconscious to openly acKNOWledge that
My emotional maturity’s present state of readiness has
Evolved so as to absorb each additional deeper truth (which
Has had need of being excavated from remaining
Captivated within the dark side of my mind) so that
Self conceived lifelong misperceptions concerning
My having harbored a shattered self image feels so deeply
Illuminated as to disempower the dark side of 
PTSD to feel subconsciously stimulated by
A current event to blind side my intelligence to feel
Sucker punched by the piercing point of pain wracked 
Sensations of inner needling that pops my ballooning
Persona, repeatedly, until my intelligence grows ever more
Aware of another vulnerability, which proves in need of
Conscious restrengthening, and with today’s brightly lit
Insight-laded amalgamation of attitudinal
Changes for the better dropping baggage along
The wayside of today's train of thought, I can
Feel the healthy portion of my brain, working to
Heal its wounds ever more deeply before 
The next sneak attack of PTSD holds up
My brain's engineer, tying my processor into
Tight knots of tension as though taking my intelligence
Hostage at gunpoint until the intuitive portion of
My processor consciously remembers that each time
I feel need to switch mental tracks from dark to light
My mind’s eye has need to plug into positively focused
Self awareness so as to recharge myself to feel
Ever more deeply inspired to identify and sweep
Additional sharply pointed shards of self disparaging
Subconscious thought patterns ever more clearly, mindfully
Thoroughly, spiritually, and therefore peaceably out of
The dark side of my brain, which, being as busy as
A bee hive buzzing round insights, offers my spirit
Sound reason to relax so as to sip away at self healing 
Nectar that serves as an elixir, tasting sweet as
Honey, proving to be my cup of
Self-healing, green tea, day after day—Hooray!

Wow!  That’s a whopper of an insight if I say so myself!
(With more to come—)

Suddenly, my wearied spirit feels fully refueled as though plugging into
Each next deeper truth electrifies my processor’s ‘current’ insight-driven
Train of thought to inspire my think tank’s natural arousal of
A self confident thought pattern to spotlight my brain’s innate
Capacity to continue to engineer the excavation of a series of 
Subconsciously secreted DEEPER TRUTHS, which has been
Relentlessly attempting to pound itself ever more deeply
Into the conscious portion of my processor, one by one
Creating a headache of migraine proportions that just
Refused to quit for a matter of weeks until
All of that SOS tapping, arousing my sleuthing awareness of
Need for deeper absorption, over this past month of 
Overactive brain activity, has been aimed at intensifying
The healing process (ASAP), which has been taking place
24/7 in hopes of spelling itself out more lucidly than
Ever before as though Morse Code has been imploring
My intelligence to tap tap tap round the clock to break through
A complex series of subconscious codes until the conflicted reality of
My complicated self image has been stripped clear of
So many layers of my defense system’s self protective persona as to
Ready my real self to spell out my primary vulnerability so clearly upon
The clean slate of my mind, one word at a time, so as to caution me to
Straighten my thinking cap to steadily feel ever more
Consciously prepared to absorb a string of insights as
Lengthy as this one proves to be, which
Offers my think tank’s sense of depth perception
Sound reason to surmise that today is the blessed day when
The most intelligent portion of my hard working processor will feel
Ready to understand and embrace the true significance of
All of those bad dreams, which I’d mistakenly seen as
Relating solely to explosing the injurious experiences that
Had befallen the terrified little girl, quaking fearfully
Within me, when, all along, reality has been messaging
My intuitive intelligence to awaken to see that
The evolutionary nature of my lengthy string of dreams has
Actually been attempting to refocus my awareness to gain
Insight into the fact that, little by little, the self assertive
Portion of my voice, which had been silenced behind
A swollen lump of fear, has been working
Consistently, year upon year, toward identifying and pulling out
The main root of the regenerative nature of the thorny
Briar patch that has continued to run interference with
My brain's capacity to carve out an existentialist pathway upon which
The self assertive portion of my true inner self can be readily
Vewed standing tall upon a self confident soapbox, clamoring aloud to
Be respectfully seen and heard, far and wide, and so rather than
Misperceiving of the wounded child’s voice crying out, feeling
All alone within the pedophile’s clutches, suddenly I feel so
Spiritually enriched as to expand the narrowness of
My original visualization to include
A harmonically melodious chorus of voices
Synthesizing every stage of my conscious development of
Emotional intelligence, which had unknowingly remained
Hidden behind denial’s blindfolds and earmuffs that had
Forbidden the conscious portion of my brain from
Openly confronting my dire need to disempower yesteryear’s
Fearful thought patterns in order to freely see, hear and
Believe the frequency with which my subconscious patterns of
Intuitive thought have been actually sending SOS signals to
The conscious portion of my brain by way of dreams concerning
How often unresolved insecurities buried at the age of three had
Loomed so large as to have disrespectfully put
My best character traits down, freeing my persona to
Mask my fear of never measuring up to the perfection of
Self that would rather die than reconcile with
The reality of having driven myself so hard as to occasionally
Feel so thoroughly emotionally exhausted as to face
The necessity of saying NO, I CAN’T HELP YOU to
A loved one in need of my sheltering wing, resulting in
Arousing a frown, which in turn roused my
Subconscious fear of seeing myself as
The worst person to have ever stumbled into
An emotionally charged conundrum so huge as to
Have utterly overwhelmed my exhausted processor to
Fall ever more blindly and deeply into a mental maze of
Such mega sized proportions as to blow my persona to
Kingdom come, leaving my host of vulnerabilities, long
Secreted subconsciously from my conscious self fully
Exposed, forcing me to confront the reality of
The real Stranger-Danger, who had lurked within
The dark side of my psyche, threatening to topple
The precariously balanced state of my well being, which
Had unconsciously been assembled (as is true of
All personas) to react as would a house of cards carefully
Constructed to withstand shifting sands until
A riptide the size of a tsunami tossed
My false front into the winds of my civil war, which had
Split my self image into opposing sides, each vying for
Dominance over my thought processor beginning at
The highly vulnerable deeply critical stage of personality 
Development when I was three years of age, and
With today’s amalgamation of old and new insights
Clearly stated, I’ve come to see that Will has not been
Shaking awake his adult wife’s deeply tormented 
Childlike fears for quite some time; in fact, Will has been
Awakened to witness every next stage of
Annie’s late blooming development as I’ve spent, night
After night, time traveling within a long series of
Dreams, each of which has attempted to
Shine insight’s spotlight upon the next successive
Leap of faith that my intelligence has been guided
By my intuitive powers to take, and I know today’s
Train of thought to be on target, because
Deeper truth suggests that the next insight that’s hot to pop
Up on your screen and mine is based in this fact—
While I’d seemed to thrash about within current dreamscapes as
Though fighting off the pedophile, Will has actually been
Awakening to witness my tone of voice and choice of words
Becoming ever more self empowered as if
Each nightmare is meant to lead to the next so as to
Place my husband’s ear next to my subconscious, which
Has been conveying details concerning my most recent
Emotional reactions actively changing for the better as seen
By Will’s transcriptions of my words clarifying my succession of
Dreamscapes transitioning from deeply painfully powerless
Voicelessness toward spiritually self empowering self liberating
Attitudes, over time, which would have passed un-noted had
Will not been present to draw my awareness of insight driven
Depth perception toward connecting these dots—my
Mind/spirit connection had, at first, released only deeply wounded
Whimpers indicative of a small wounded animal curled into
A fetal position seeking quiet asylum in hopes of
Surviving reality’s harshly pointed fickle finger of
Fate, which saw me in need of EMDR therapy so as to
Begin my self motivated process of inspiring the traumatized
Portion of my brain to choose a path free of briar parches
Upon which to heal the broken aspects of itself ever more
Consciously from suddenly experiencing my lucidity
Sucked toward sliding ever more deeply into the briars only
To find my pain tumbling ever more blindly into
The unending depths of Alice’s rabbit hole where the
Undiagnosed classic nature of a psyche experiencing
Episodes of PTSD struggles to hold on to its wits by
Day while by night the evolution of dreamscapes eventually
Saw a child’s pain-wracked whimpers (while surviving
Fate’s harshest emotional horrors followed by physical
Tortures at critical stages of my development
Early on) transforming, step by step, as a woman's creatively
Imaginative, strong spirited, warm hearted, deeply empathetic
Ever more capable, well educated brain slept so fitfully
As to be heard begging tearfully to be liberated from
Enduring further harm from feeling under the thumb of
Every voice that had easily dominated my subconscious need to
Please my loved ones so as to have unconsciously pledged
My allegiance to meet their needs by unknowingly silencing
My own so as to redirect my energy toward seeking
Solutions to their personal problems until, eventually, my thumb
Could not see clearly enough to secure the hole in their dykes or
Mine, which undammed my deeply repressed pattern of unexamined
(Hello Socrates) emotional neediness, which upon exploding as in
'Thar she blows' had been fully expressed in a succession of
Dreams in which whimpers transformed into outraged screams, which
Having burst free of subconscious captivity undercover of night had
Escalated to awakening Will to witness my full fledged FEELING of
Need to unleash indignant furies until full bodied commands were
Unrepressed and expressed from my throat with strength of spirit
As in—GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH ME LIKE THAT, AGAIN!
OR INSULT ME LIKE THAT, AGAIN!
OR FREELY TELL TALL TALES ABOUT ME THAT ARE NOT TRUE!
AND IF YOU DO—YOU CAN EXPECT TO HEAR (RESPECTFULLY) FROM ME! 

Huh?  OMG!
Whose voice of fully liberated existential authority was that???

Though my dreams felt bad, each one was actually
A testimonial to change for the better going on based in
Time well spent in objective reflection suggesting that
Each of those dreams had been signaling
My self awareness to consciously grow ever more
Focused upon the complex functionalities of the
Well oiled mechanics of the compartmentalized
Nature of the human brain’s need to deepen
Its understanding of—itself!
I mean, if we remain blind to the subconscious
Wandering of our own self defeating insecurities and
Deficiencies in certain character traits then
How can we think to know what
Actually makes anyone else’s deeply conflicted
Attitudinal reactiveness, inclusive of all of
Our loved ones, tick tick tick tock?

While Will was awakened, which to my good fortune
Gave my husband reason to witness
Each convoluted step of my dreamscape evolution
Taking place, over weeks and months, I’d remain
Fast sleep, caught within the grips of
Yesteryear's experiences so as to miss the action
Funneling aloud through my processor until
Will would awaken me and fill in the blanks, of which
My conscious mind had little if any recollection of in
The morning other than my shivering need to be held
In the dark of night until sunrise when the intuitive portion of
My brain would feel compelled to reach for my
iPad so as to record whatever train of thought felt
Inner need to filter through my processor into
The conscious portion of my brain, which continues to 
Devour strings of insights as hungrily as if
My conflicted self image had starved itself of
Lasting nourishment beginning the age of three ...

Geez—
Who’d have thought that a brain could suffer
So painfully from reality deprived anorexia!

Each of those scary dreams had offered me
Yet another subconscious indication of my
Need to heal—each of those night wanderings
Had been signaling the conscious portion of
My mind to grow ever more aware of
Subconscious healing advancing forward
Step by step, just as my intuitive powers had
Guided my intelligence to believe as true, all along!!!

OMG!  The human brain is truly a richly gifted 
Miracle of intuitively inspired self discovery!
And the fact that we all possess this magical oracle inside
Our heads suggests that when fear strikes us down
We own the Inner strengths necessary to pick ourselves up
And take a deep breath to fully oxygenate our
Smart hearts to inch that rubber tree forward, again!

Throughout every stage of my life, I’ve felt
Ever more strongly compelled to shelter and
Heal the wounded portion of every child, who
Deep within the realm of their subconscious
Wanderings has found his/her way to open the door of
My heart, which warmly welcomes youngsters to
Stay awhile neath my protective wing so as to
Absorb my adult's positive attitude, which proves so
Calming as to encourage countless young minds not to
Freak out based in the fact that everyone
Experiences the depths of confounding emotional
Complexities, which for sound reasons overwhelm
Every person’s lucidity with mystifying conundrums, from
Time to time, just as proved true of mine, each time
The depths of my fear (that I could not handle life’s
Harshest realities) had needed to be reminded that
I've already handled life's harshest realities
Multiple times without losing control of my wits
(As stories will show), and so far, that last
Insight, listed directly above, is highlighting today's
Train of thought's valiant attempt to illuminate
THE PRIMARY self demeaning, no longer repressed
Misperception that has been dueling, tormentingly against
The HOST of my hard won, ultimately synthesized
Inner strengths, which has clearly been mine ever since
The harsh light of deeper truth, which shines
Its spotlight upon traumatic experiences, which
My sanity has courageously survived by calling upon
My defense system to erect and fortify
Each next self protective layer of a child's wall of denial until
Such time as my intuitive intelligence began to offer
My adult processor the insight of X-ray vision, which
Empowers me to see each horrific experience, which
Had literally caused an innocent child to believe she had
‘Lost my mind’ when my sister died, and
Then again when the HARD HEARTED
Pedophile had ripped into the innocence of
A terrified, good little girl, whose
Self assertive voice had drowned in
The angered ocean of tears shed by
Her loved ones for months without end in
The aftermath of our baby’s
Unexpected demise, and as both of those
Tragedies blew my mind at such
Early (crucial) stages of my personality
Development, my processor had not had
A fighting chance to absorb so much as
A conscious clue of awareness whatsoever of
My need to reflect back over the crucibles of
My childhood so as to collect details concerning
When, where and with whom I had been when
A highly significant deeply personal inner strength
Namely self worth, had been unconsciously
Shattered freeing the bully WITHIN me to pierce
My heart every bit as deeply as had
The bully on the van
And hence do we come to see why
My compelling life long quest to
Stop crucifying my best character traits by way of
Gently un-nailing each next layer of
My defensive wall of denial so as to inspire
The self empowerment of 
The adult, whom I’ve intuitively continued to
Grow up to be to consciously acKNOWledge
My having earned an enduring sense of 
Self respect based in my brain’s evolutionary
Ability to confront life’s harshest realities as
Has been expressed by changes in
Voice tones and word choices
Conveyed within a long series of dreams, which
Have encouraged my conscious mind to
Develop an ever deepening attentiveness to
Need to decode covert messages sent by
My subconscious through the filter of
Each intuitive train of thought that I’ve
Ever felt need to pen so as to expose
My mental readiness to absorb the reality of
Each next layer of emotional woundedness, which
Otherwise would have remained tensely
Coiled within a self protective cocoon within
The dark side of my guarded psyche until
My brain’s innate intelligence signals my
Defense system to give wY to
My emotionally matured readiness to
Un-mummify yet another layer of my
Younger processor, which proves in
Need of re-grounding as would any
Live wire exposed in the immediate aftermath of
Feeling myself sucked into each next episodic
Collapse of mindful lucidity into that which
FEELS like yet another sudden plunge into
Yesteryear’s bottomless pit where
PTSD awaits to make mincemeat of my
Host of hard won inner strengths, which upon
Feeling ever more self inspired to repair itself so
As to stand strong and regenerate on the spot
Has recently acted like Wonder Woman’s shield
Protecting my strengthened self image from
Any old shattered shard of self degradation that
has once again attempt to pierce through
My conscious determination to
Heal the next leg of whatever terrified, stunted
Aspect of my development feels need to track
Back and forth through time in hopes of
Continuing to carve my true path toward
Emotional recovery that prove so
Existential in nature as to truly be my very own
Suggesting that rather than witnessing
My mental vulnerabilities merely surviving
Behind my persona’s false front in a 
Subconsciously anxious state of fearing
Another series of emotional or physical attacks if
I so much as lower my guard, I KNOW that
I can continue to empower my mind to
Take additional steps toward
Healing whatever remains wounded as
My heightening awareness of my strengthened
Self esteem continues to inspire my sense of
Wholeness to feel ever more peaceably
Secure as I age, based in this fact:
My current host of inner strengths feels
Ever more capable of working toward soothing
The confounded portions of my processor, which
Will remain secreted behind my persona within
A perpetually flash frozen state of
Self protection until intuition is signaled by
Subconscious rumblings of latent anxiety
Arising in hopes of informing the adult who
Shelters each stage of my younger
Woundedness to prepare myself to courageously
Take as many leaps of faith as prove necessary as
Intuitive intelligence sees its way clear to
Clueing my conscious awareness into heartfelt need to
Honor my brain’s hard won capacity to release
Repressed memories long cocooned for
The sake of safeguarding a traumatized child’s
Hold onto sanity until such time as
My readied resilience to acknowledge
Absorb and respectfully own the most
Fearsome realities of my personal history
Release my defense system from
Arresting specific aspects of my emotional
Development so as to more easily
Release my growing sense of
Emotional maturity naturally from
Subconscious captivity, thus readying
My power of intuitive thought to
Shine its spotlight of insight upon opening
My mind’s eye to spy and toss aside
Negative attitudes stuck inside the emotional
Baggage of my past self assessment, thus
Refocusing my conscious awareness away from
A life long fear of King Kong looming overhead
Sucking my lively spirit into the sludge of
Unprocessed quicksand, yet again, and thus 
Have you witnessed my think tank engaging
With reconstructing my present position of
Self empowerment until my lucid
Reconnection to clarity feels fully recharged and
Capable of swallowing huge mouthfuls of reality laced
Liberally with positively focused common sense that
Buoys my spirit to bob back up out of that black hole of
Despair so quickly as to signal my intuitive powers to
Release my current host of inner strengths’ to refuel the
Most wholesome portion of my brain (ASAP), which
In turn continues to inspire each next injured level of
Defensiveness to soften its self protective shell so that
Self respect, flavored with self love, can entice
Self demeaning attitudes to seep through my pores and
Be consciously identified and expunged more
Courageously and thus easily than ever before—and
If you ask why this painstaking process requires
My brain to absorb the good natured patience of
The Dali Lama, my reply will sport a smile (now that
This insight-driven, intuitive train of thought has
Quelled the anxiety that had awakened me from
An unsettling dream about an hour ago until
I reminded myself that —The younger
The processor when a series of traumas
Flash freezes a child’s emotional development into
The self protective custody of the brain’s
Secret Service, the greater the challenge set
Before therapist and client to entice
A James Bondian approach to sleuth through
Emotional complexity until a slew of
Self demeaning memories emerge with
Clarity intact—let’s face it—it’s near to impossible for
My processor to scribe that which my brain was too
Inexperienced to fathom much less describe in words that
Which had literally flown over a small child’s
Simple level of comprehension while strident
Voice tones and threatening body language clearly
Conveyed that danger was closing in—again—and
Again, and having cleared my current state of mind from
Sinking into the quicksand-like heavy sense of
Fogginess that reawakened my anxiety to stimulate
Adrenalin to surge through my nervous system
Sucking my positive attitude into yesteryear’s
Sludge, early this morning, we’ve just witnessed 
My brain’s well practiced power of
Intuition pulling this train of thought out of
My processor to act as a lifeline by which
My knowledgable intelligence has successfully
Inspired my host of inner strengths to swim
Clear of the quicksand so as to head straight
Toward shore where I consciously plan to
Wash away the self demeaning attitude that
Suggested my current strengths could not
Muster the courage necessary to defeat
My fear of sinking into emotional sludge so
As to lift the curtain behind which First Kiss has
Been patiently waiting to pull itself together on
Center stage—and with today’s self liberating
Train of thought in the forefront of mind
I’ll consciously switch my limbic system to off
Close up my iPad and lucidly go about
The rest of my day with clarity intact until
Twilight falls at which time the Sandman will
Make his rounds, beginning first with
The very young before spying the fact that
Yours truly is in need of a peaceful
Good night’s sleep while my revised mental state
Marinates within naught but sweet dreams, and
As to bedbugs biting, I’ll place my faith in
My newly refueled host of inner strengths, which
Will suggest that my defense system can
Safely step aside for a while so to continue to
release inner tension that has pounded
A ferocious headache to pound mercilessly
Away that my frontal lobe until I’d felt
Newly self assured that my present level of
Emotional maturity feels freshly inspired to ensure
My current sense of wholeness that not so much as
A flea that’s lost it’s existential way will awaken
My itch to scratch free of whatever may be
Left of my sleeping vulnerabilities, tonight—
As to tomorrow—only the shadowland dares to
Presume to know that which is yet to come. and
With today’s stream of consciousness pulling
My processor into a much needed rest station
I’ll wish you fairies on your pillow filling
Your head (and mine) with sweet dreams in which
A curly haired moppet can clearly be seen on
 enter stage singing her strong spirited heart out loud—
THE SUN WILL COME OUT TOMORROW
AND TOMORROW’S ONLY A DAAAY AAAWAAY!