1396 IRONY

Wouldn't cha just know it!
Here I am, penning insight into need to call forth my Line of Control at those times when a sudden spike in anxiety shatters my sense of clarity for reasons as yet unknown when guess who awakened to that unnerving state of mind, this morning?

So, first thing I did was to tell myself 'I am safe.'
Next up, I sought Will's support:
Will, who had already arisen and was completing his daily grooming routine, opened his arms to gather me close as soon as he saw me approaching with my arms out stretched, and when I said, tell me I'm safe, he replied, Annie, you're safe; nothing bad is happening.  What's going on?

My response:  After yesterday's session of EMDR, some tie to the past must have begun to filter into my conscious mind, but, so far, I have no clue, other than this anxious reaction, to what's disrupting my connection to personal safety, right now.

With that thought hanging in the air, Will replied:  You don't have to worry, because I'm right here.

Then as Will's words flowed into my ear, I heard myself say:  But, I need to feel safe if I find myself alone.

My response surprised Will, so he said:  But, Annie, in the past, you've always wanted me to say what I said just now.

I know that Will ... But something must be changing ...

Will, on his way to a hearing where he was to be an expert witness for the industrial commission, had no time to hear more, so after he'd tied his tie, we kissed, and by the time he'd pulled out of our garage, my focus had switched tracks from fear of the unknown toward absorbing that first glimmer of insight, which highlighted this flash of conscious awareness:  My intuitive power is alerting my intelligence to be attentive as my mental connection to personal growth spotlights the next step of my existential path ... (Yes.  I really do think this way.)

So with thoughts of anxiety serving to jump start my think tank's positively focused attitude to steer my mind toward creating change for the better, I picked up my iPad, scrolled back to post 1395, and while reviewing my plan of action in hopes of re-stabilizing my adrenalin production, my phone rang.

It was Steven, who, along with his family, had spent several days at a friend's wedding in D.C.

Hi Mom.  I know you must be missing Ravi, so how about our coming over for dinner and ordering pizza, tonight?

Needless to say, my heart, mind and spirit smiled.
What was I thinking?
I'll never be all alone.
And as my subconscious childhood fear of feeling left to fend for myself had sound reason to retreat, my self defeating attitude, which belittled my self worth, switched tracks, and as this timely shot of reality relaxed my mind, my spirit brightened for three reasons:   I feel worthy of love.  Fun lies, directly ahead.  And once my over-abundance of adrenalin rebalances, my anxious (hyper vigilant) reaction to this unexpected surge of subconscious fear will settle down.  Oh wait.  Make that four reasons:  The fact that my thought processor linked today's spiking anxiety with insight into subconscious fear in the blink of an eye restored my confidence in my brain's cognitive ability to straighten itself out when an unexpected eruption of PTSD short wires (disrupts) my sense of safety, unnecessarily.  And as one insight leads to more, the change which, thus far, remains unidentified, feels less intrusive, more intriguing than had originally been true.

So you might think to ask:  Annie, which jumping bean do you hope that today's glimmer of insight (spotlighting the negatively focused attitude, which spurred this brief eruption of PTSD to disrupt my old soul's peace of mind), will guide your intelligence to tackle, next?

1395 WHO SHALL WE CALL WHEN IMAGINATION OVERWHELMS CLARITY?

 If we know that intuitive trains of thought seek open channels (free of static) upon which to convey strings of insight, which enhance our thought processors' ability to balance emotion with logic, then how can we silence our run away imaginations from fabricating situations that exacerbate inner conflict at those times when brainstorming toward resolving life's most difficult dilemmas proves necessary to peace of mind?

First, we must remind ourselves that our brains are not wired to consciously juggle opposing trains of thought, simultaneously.  With that thought in mind, common sense suggests that we consciously sit our decision makers in time out until our intelligence calms a run away imagination from conjuring up fear-based scenarios, which stimulate an over-production of adrenalin that runs interference with clarity of intuitive thought by heightening anxiety, unnecessarily.

 If you ask me to specify the string of insights that brightened my think tank to absorb the wisdom of calling upon my self disciplined Line of (emotional) Control to quiet my decision-maker until my sense of equilibrium is re-established, I'd reply:

It's a well known fact that survival instincts, aroused by spiking anxiety, limit our thought processors to fight-freeze-flee.  Knowing that anxiety shuts the door on my thought processor's natural brainstorming abilities alerts my solution-seeker to delay brainstorming toward workable solutions until the fear-based arousal of my basic instincts has relaxed, thus freeing Mother Nature's gift of intuitive thought to do its best work while the rest of me sleeps through the still of the night.
(How many times have you heard your intuitive voice say:  I need to sleep on it.)

Each time I consciously call forth my Line of Control to act like a safety valve I find that Mother Nature's original gift of Animal Instincts is less likely to short circuit her more recent gift of Intuitive Prowess, which she saw fit to confer upon the human species as the evolutionary process of survival of the fittest saw our brain stems expand until the development of the neo Cortex transformed Homo sapiens into the thought-processing beings, whom we prove to be, today ...

Each time my neo Cortex feels free of stress-based static, intuitive streams of consciousness are likely to empower my solution seeker with the mental clarity, necessary, to hone in on insights, passed down through the ages, thus expanding my mental acuity to consider confounding predicaments from every angle before my decision maker chooses the choice that's most likely to balance my sense of emotion and logic more wholly than any other.

Having come to understand that mental clarity depends upon stabilizing my brain's ability to balance (rather than denying) the full spectrum of my emotional reactions in a logical manner, I choose to delay brainstorming toward the best possible solution until I've re-established a balanced state of mind.

Experience has taught me that any sudden spike in anxiety, which feels close to impossible to calm, is a natural reaction whenever an inner conflict divides my highest priorities into separate camps:
Be true to myself
Be true to everyone I love
I mean, 'what if' my run away imagination directs my thought processor to believe that being true to many loved ones requires my heart to forsake a choice that would free my mind of an inner conflict, which having been subconsciously repressed in an unprocessed state ever since childhood, has weighed heavy on my spirit, haunting my peace of mind, over most of my life?

How deep into my subconscious past can my heart, mind and spirit hope to dive in order to reveal and heal a wound to self esteem that runs so darkly fearful as to disrupt my old soul's peace of mind whenever being true to my deepest self seems to clash discordantly with being true to everyone I love?

1394 THE TAIL OF THE WHIRLWIND

Since wedding festivities are famous for
Spinning weekends into whirlwinds—
Family time far surpassed writing time until
Today, when the tail end of this four day event, spiraled
Toward a standstill, suggesting that
Hopefully, tomorrow will offer my dizzied state of mind
A quiet sense of inner peace in which to pen a post, highlighting
Insight into my need to relax those jumping beans, which
Had turned my brain into their trampoline until wedding fever
Cast a sleeping spell on a host of inner conflicts, thus freeing
My heart, mind and spirit to cavort happily with many loved ones

1393. WHEREAS ANXIETY BREEDS AMBIGUITY, INTUITION PRECEDES CLARITY

Sooo ... guess what happened once I mustered the courage to calm
Anxiety in hopes that a rebalanced sense of clarity would be mine?
The subconscious nature of the inner conflict that had catalyzed
Last week's eruption of anxiety was successfully conveyed on
A train of intuitive thought, which, upon filtering into
Conscious awareness, offered my thought processor insight into identifying
The painful childhood experience that had, once again, stimulated
Adrenalin to flood my mind with emotional static, temporarily stripping
My self confidence away until my Line of Control freed my intuitive powers to
Clarify the link connecting last week's anxious reaction to that which had proved
To be the re-emergent nakedness of yesteryear's unprocessed vulnerability ...

Once comprehension linked a painful childhood experience with an event that's
Yet to be, clarity led straight toward conflict resolution as fast as
A magician draws forth a live wire from a hat, and I'll fill you in on
The nature of that live wire, which upon short circuiting
My thought processor, had sparked a self defeating attitude that
Darkened my spirit until my power of intuition brightened
My conscious mind with sound reason to unburden itself of
A heavy subconscious weight in time to joyously participate in
This weekend's round of festivities, which have been planned to
Welcome a lovely bride, her groom and their baby son into
Our extended family, as, once again, an expansive view of
Traditional values coaches our thought processors to
Grow beyond the limitations of conventional patterns of thought

1392 CLARITY

Knowing that two heads can be better than one (when both brains remain calmly focused on seeking a solution that will stand the test of time), I'm not surprised when my sons call to brainstorm with me, and when we've discussed whatever dilemma weighs heavy on their minds, I ask them to let me know if our conversation bore fruit or not.  So rather than leaving your curiosity hanging in the air, I'm glad to say that having thought to employ my Line of Control (in order to brainstorm calmly with myself), paid off in this way:  Once I regained control over my think thank, anxiety diminished in direct proportion to my rise in self confidence (concerning my solution seeker's ability to calm my defense system down), and as my survival instinct retreated, my faith in the power of intuition re-emerged, catalyzing this change for the better to take place, over night:  I awoke with insight directing its spotlight toward the self defeating attitude, which (based in a painful, childhood experience) had drained my think tank of positive focus.  That stepping stone toward rebalancing my attitude would not have materialized if my intelligence had not consciously coached my defense system to tolerate heightened degrees of anxiety (born of an unnamed childhood fear), thus freeing my intuitive powers to withdraw self soothing insights from within File #1 of my memory's safe deposit box, and in this way did my well practiced Line of Control save my thought processor from capitulating to escalating anxiety, which, left on its own, fuels my decision-making process with negatively focused tension that turns me into my own worst enemy for this reason:  Escalating anxiety stimulates our survival instinct to trigger a fight/flee/freeze reaction, thus transforming a positively charged energy field into a negatively focused sense of emotional static, which, based in confusion, runs interference with clarity (which relies upon a well grounded balance between emotion and logic).  Once emotional static disrupts a person's sense of balance, decisions may be finalized before every puzzling piece of an inner conflict has been assembled so calmly as to astutely illuminate the bigger picture, which a darkly focused thought processor, pulsing with adrenalin (fight, flee freeze), can not yet fathom ...

As the time that I can devote to writing, today, has past ... more, concerning strings of insight that offered my solution seeker reason to calm my defense system so as to free my intuition to power up ... when next we meet ...

1391 SUBMERGED MYSTERIES CONTINUE TO EMERGE

My mind is a mysterious place, most especially for this reason:
Each time an unnamed change begins to percolate deep within my brain
(Like the one referenced within a stream of conscious thought
Several posts back), I've become aware of my intuitive voice hinting of
Readiness to convey a secret I keep from myself through
My wall of denial, and here's why my conscious awareness feels that
To be true, right now:  Peace of mind is no longer mine.
In fact, instead of feeling like my self-confident-self, I feel like
A stranger to myself, and since feeling threatened by stranger danger
Alerts my adrenal glands to flood my bloodstream with adrenalin
I feel compelled, during this stage of unidentified change (which strips
My persona of self confidence), to lift the curtain, revealing my need to
Confront the nakedness of my present sense of vulnerability, and
My reluctance to bare my vulnerability to myself (much less to anyone
Other than those who demonstrate concern for my well being) leaves me
Feeling anxious about exposing my uncertain state of mind to the world
And though I know better than to allow this sense of defensiveness to usurp
Control over my think tank, I can't help but feel as though danger is lurking
Outside of my front door, lying in wait to spring forth and swallow me whole
Thank goodness, my well developed sense of logic has begun to rebalancing
My emotional reaction by coaching my conscious awareness to
Calm down rather than exacerbating my desire to temporarily
Cocoon myself until this natural reaction to tunneling, intuitively, ever
More deeply into the darkness of the great unknown, stored within
File #3 (which occupies more brain space than we might think), actually
Unveils another (as yet) unidentified self defeating attitude, which today's
Stream of intuitive thought is actively conveying toward
My conscious awareness by traveling from dark to light, and during this process
In which my energy source is electrically stimulating negativity to transform into
Positivity, I can feel anxiety, which elevates in direct proportion to
The amount of adrenalin that my survival instinct continues to pump through
My bloodstream, beginning to level off, suggesting that rather than
Giving free rein to my internal need to fight, freeze or flee
Ive consciously begun to summon my Line of Control to calm down
My brain stem's defense system, which is hard wired to fear (and thus
Resist) any unnamed change, and as my power of intuition has stepped up to
The plate, reminding my think tank to release and reconsider
The string of insights, above, from File #2, my choice to think smart on the spot
Before anxiety hijacks my thought processor by spiking beyond my control, is
Certain to shine a spotlight on this next insight, which always brightens
My conscious awareness with need to reconsider a deeper truth that quickens
The progress of whatever change for the better is currently processing from
Subconscious memory by way of this intuitive train of thought toward
Conscious awareness:  Whenever I feel adrenalin racing through
My bloodstream, tis time to power up the courageous attitude that
Proves necessary to coax my emotional reactiveness to sit its defensive stance
In time out until today's unidentified inner conflict stops confounding
My sense of clarity, so that my solution seeker, regaining its calmed sense of
Wholeness, can reclaim its self confident attitude, which stops anxiety from
Running interference with my intuitive power's natural ability to quietly
Brainstorm its way through this turbulent stage of unnamed change until
A childhood experience, which had wounded my self esteem, filters out of
Subconscious Memory File #3, as though all on its own ... And while this
Current mental process toward change for the better inches forward, one
First down at a time, I'll coach myself to soothe any natural spike in
Anxiety by breathing so deeply as to re-oxygenate my lungs until
Such time as my consciously enhanced sense of wholeness welcomes
Insight into change for the better with the self reliant attitude that's
Actually spreading a smile across my face, right now, for this reason:
This current stream of insights has deepened my comprehension of
What is meant by the calm before the storm, and the fact that that change
For the better processed through my think tank during this anxiety-producing
Stage of mental metamorphosis suggests that today's train of intuitive thought
Has empowered my self confident solution-seeker with sound reason to
Shine so brightly as to dim fear of the unknown, which tends to cast
Dark shadows of self doubt across our existential paths until sparks of insight
Highlighting sure footed stepping stones, guide us toward transforming
Mental strain (resultant of deviating from conventional trains of thought) into
Positively focused gain by refueling positive attitudes that tame
Anxious reactions, which commonly escalate, naturally, unless our brains
Have been coached to listen for intuitive patterns of thought that coax us to
Tolerate anxiety so as to continue tunneling inward in hopes of offering
Our conscious minds the gift of insight's spotlight specifying
Which inner conflict from the past is emerging in its unprocessed state, and
Each time I remind myself to tolerate anxiety, my conscious awarenesss
Brightens with need to absorb this difficult truth more deeply than ever before:
Eventually, the futility of feeling bound to conventional thought drains my spirit of
Energy just as my heart muscle feels strained from on-going pain without gain ...
And if you ask:  Annie what makes you perceive of that mind-bender, right now?
I'd reply:  Even the most positively focused brain stores a warehouse of
Unprocessed inner conflicts behind a wall of denial, and each time one of those
Unprocessed inner conflicts filters into your conscious mind or mine, confounding
Pangs of unhealed pain are released (with greater frequency than
Conscious awareness can know), and it's at those times when intuition
Must call forth a diverse set of inner strengths (tools) so that if one doesn't
Coax a painful (reoccurring) negative attitude to fully emerge from behind our
Defense system's wall of denial then another tool may be employed to do
The trick of coaxing multiple wounds to self esteem, which are still festering
Subconsciously, to process through conscious awareness, one by one, until
Repressed rage, tapping into self-defeating attitudes (like ducks, lining up
In a row) is exposed, and once unprocessed rage is exposed, guess what resolves?
Re-occurring headaches, stomach aches, back aches, pain-in-the-necks, rashes
Eye ticks, clenched jaws, teeth grinding. (All caused by tightened
Muscles, symptomatic of suppressed anxiety, which encroaches upon inner peace)
You see, each time another 'piece' of unprocessed rage is exhumed, identified
Understood and healed, sound reason exists to relax inner tension, thus
Naturally relieving pain, stored subconsciously, once and for all!
Ye Gads!  Today's intuitive train of thought make me wonder:
How many negatively focused jumping beans use our minds as trampolines?

1390. CALMING JUMPING BEANS TAKES TIME, PATIENCE AND INSIGHT

Over these past few, peaceful days
The natural emergence of intuitive trains of thought
Saw fit to coach my conscious mind to slip
Additional strings of insight into Post 1389, creating
Change for the better, again ...