1995
Imagine the expression of naked misery that must show on my face
Imagine my need for compassion at this most trying time of my adult life
Imagine me stunned as my rabbi, holding the sacred Torah, expresses his concern
Imagine the Torah, carried with reverence in the rabbi's arms, returned to the Ark
Imagine the congregation sitting down, resuming reading responsively, aloud
Imagine me, sitting toward the back of the sanctuary, feeling utterly dumbfounded
Imagine my sense of humility rising as I ask myself: What just happened?
Imagine confusion playing games with my mind ... games like Red Rover
Imagine confusion and humility holding hands, chanting: Let Annie come over
Imagine my storehouse of misery breaking through a dam of social convention
Imagine an utterly silent torrent of tears, pouring forth as if my eyes are water falls ...
Imagine this waterfall of misery, outed but not yet identified as beginning at three
Imagine my racing heart, reeling mind and crestfallen spirit conjoining as one
Imagine my asking: Why did my life fall apart when I'd followed every 'should'?
Imagine a quest to know my whole self, stirring within—not consciously—intuitively ...
2015
Upon reflection—
No matter our level of authority
Or attachment to logic
Or hope
We are, one and all
First, foremost and instinctively
Reactive human beings ...
Reactive to what?
Reactive to emotion running deeper than can be consciously fathomed ...
Friday, October 9, 2015
Thursday, October 8, 2015
1412R WHEN DID YOM KIPPUR BECOME MY FAVORITE HOLIDAY?
2015
Having enjoyed the melodious chanting of the sacred Kol Nidre service the night before, Will and I arrive for the morning service early enough on Yom Kippur to claim four seats on the aisle in the second row, so that we can sit with a couple, who has become very dear to us, both. So dear, in fact, as to have graced our holiday table with their presence, over the past several years. In short, these friends have become family.
Of all our holidays, the Yom Kippur service has become my favorite, even more so than Purim, Chanukah and Simcha Torah, when clergy and congregants are seen enjoying themselves and each other, immensely. So, why, you might ask, have I come to enjoy the most solemn service of the year more than those in which the holiday spirit centers on children in costumes or the rabbi indulging in spirits of another sort right there on the bimah in celebration of the service in which the reading of our holy scroll is completed and, yet again, begun, symbolic of the Torah's perpetual significance in guiding the direction of our lives.
As to the latter holiday, my fascination is stirred by the rarity with which authority figures feel free to express joy as naturally as is true of children. I mean, seriously, what is it that sucks the juiciness out of a child's joy as we grow up, so that it is seen, like holiday finery, only on special occasions? (More about that awareness, sometime later.)
As to my growing fondness for Yom Kippur, I've come to love the solemnity of the service because of my magnetic attraction toward absorption of deeper truth. Since I've attended Yom Kippur services for decades, you might ask what my conscious mind could possibly encounter within the 'siddur' that I'd not thought to consider countless times before, and yet, each time certain passages within the prayer book are recited, this one or that one speaks as though directly to me with a greater sense of clarity than had been mine before. Why? Well, the answer to why a certain passage speaks directly to me, currently, depends upon which string of insights has most recently emerged from a pocket in my mind.
Throughout early adulthood, my body attended services while my mind drifted elsewhere. Upon advancing to early middle age, my body attended services while my mind coaxed a trio of freshly bathed, well dressed, wriggling little boys to behave like mini men rather than a band of brothers, too bored to sit still. Then, during services, about twenty years back, an unusual occurrence jogged my sense of introspection from idling into high gear. The rabbi, who had descended from the bimah with the holy Torah in his arms, walked amongst the congregants, all of whom were on their feet, when he stopped the procession, right before me, and looking deeply concerned, our spiritual leader asked: Annie, are you all right?
Imagine the expression of naked misery that must have shown on my face
Imagine my shock at my rabbi's concern while holding the sacred Torah in his arms
Imagine tears, cascading down my face, freed by my friend's compassionate heart ...
Imagine my need of compassion at this most trying time of my adult life ...
Having enjoyed the melodious chanting of the sacred Kol Nidre service the night before, Will and I arrive for the morning service early enough on Yom Kippur to claim four seats on the aisle in the second row, so that we can sit with a couple, who has become very dear to us, both. So dear, in fact, as to have graced our holiday table with their presence, over the past several years. In short, these friends have become family.
Of all our holidays, the Yom Kippur service has become my favorite, even more so than Purim, Chanukah and Simcha Torah, when clergy and congregants are seen enjoying themselves and each other, immensely. So, why, you might ask, have I come to enjoy the most solemn service of the year more than those in which the holiday spirit centers on children in costumes or the rabbi indulging in spirits of another sort right there on the bimah in celebration of the service in which the reading of our holy scroll is completed and, yet again, begun, symbolic of the Torah's perpetual significance in guiding the direction of our lives.
As to the latter holiday, my fascination is stirred by the rarity with which authority figures feel free to express joy as naturally as is true of children. I mean, seriously, what is it that sucks the juiciness out of a child's joy as we grow up, so that it is seen, like holiday finery, only on special occasions? (More about that awareness, sometime later.)
As to my growing fondness for Yom Kippur, I've come to love the solemnity of the service because of my magnetic attraction toward absorption of deeper truth. Since I've attended Yom Kippur services for decades, you might ask what my conscious mind could possibly encounter within the 'siddur' that I'd not thought to consider countless times before, and yet, each time certain passages within the prayer book are recited, this one or that one speaks as though directly to me with a greater sense of clarity than had been mine before. Why? Well, the answer to why a certain passage speaks directly to me, currently, depends upon which string of insights has most recently emerged from a pocket in my mind.
Throughout early adulthood, my body attended services while my mind drifted elsewhere. Upon advancing to early middle age, my body attended services while my mind coaxed a trio of freshly bathed, well dressed, wriggling little boys to behave like mini men rather than a band of brothers, too bored to sit still. Then, during services, about twenty years back, an unusual occurrence jogged my sense of introspection from idling into high gear. The rabbi, who had descended from the bimah with the holy Torah in his arms, walked amongst the congregants, all of whom were on their feet, when he stopped the procession, right before me, and looking deeply concerned, our spiritual leader asked: Annie, are you all right?
Imagine the expression of naked misery that must have shown on my face
Imagine my shock at my rabbi's concern while holding the sacred Torah in his arms
Imagine tears, cascading down my face, freed by my friend's compassionate heart ...
Imagine my need of compassion at this most trying time of my adult life ...
Wednesday, October 7, 2015
1412Q WHEN LOVE OFFERS STRAIGHT SHOTS OF SEROTONIN ...
2015
Our Rosh Hashanah feast nourished everyone's hearts with pleasure
Though Barry, who remained on the coast, was missed
David flew in, and whenever one of his brothers is home
Steven brings Ravi by, daily, suggesting
Our spirits (absorbing straight shots of serotonin) conjoin
While gazing round our festive table, watching
Beloved family and friends laughing at Ravi, stuffing
Her first matzoh ball into her sweet little mouth
My pleasure center swallowed my entire being whole
However, rather than greedy, I felt joyfully stoked
As Rosh Hashanah celebrates the birthday of the world
My mind, so full of gifts of love as to
Float lightly throughout the next week on
Fluffy white clouds of happiness, felt
So warmly gratified from deep within my soul as to inspire
My smile, glowing brightly, to invite everyone whose
Path happened to bisect my own to partake in
A moment of love's purity, which, feeling free of
Defensiveness, doth not worry over reciprocity
And then Yom Kippur was upon us
At which time mirth morphs toward repentence as
Our Rosh Hashanah feast nourished everyone's hearts with pleasure
Though Barry, who remained on the coast, was missed
David flew in, and whenever one of his brothers is home
Steven brings Ravi by, daily, suggesting
Our spirits (absorbing straight shots of serotonin) conjoin
While gazing round our festive table, watching
Beloved family and friends laughing at Ravi, stuffing
Her first matzoh ball into her sweet little mouth
My pleasure center swallowed my entire being whole
However, rather than greedy, I felt joyfully stoked
As Rosh Hashanah celebrates the birthday of the world
My mind, so full of gifts of love as to
Float lightly throughout the next week on
Fluffy white clouds of happiness, felt
So warmly gratified from deep within my soul as to inspire
My smile, glowing brightly, to invite everyone whose
Path happened to bisect my own to partake in
A moment of love's purity, which, feeling free of
Defensiveness, doth not worry over reciprocity
And then Yom Kippur was upon us
At which time mirth morphs toward repentence as
We, with solemn sincerity, request forgiveness for last year's sins ...
However, tis not God's forgiveness for which we are charged to ask but rather
Forgiveness from the person against whom we'd transgressed ...
Forgiveness from the person against whom we'd transgressed ...
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
1412P INSIGHT INTO SUMMER FUN IN THE SUN ... AND MORE
2015
More often than not, a heartfelt sense of determination, combined with compassion and patience concerning the human condition, creates change for the better, most especially when long range goals prove challenging to achieve. For more than a decade, as each of our spirits weathered a series of personal storms, our family supported each other, every step of the way, which is why, presently, our smiles are so visibly delighted to bask in the sun—until who knows what next challenge lays in wait to manifest as each one's future unfolds.
BTW, supporting each other does not mean frustration does not raise its irritated little head—supporting each other means discussing frustrations openly and respectfully by listening to each other's thoughts and reactions, knowing that, with patience and mutual respect intact, we'll brainstorm through whatever disturbs inner peace as life moves forward, one step at a time. And thus have we come to embrace the concept of tweaking plans that prove unworkable for this one or that one until comfort zones, concerning unexpected change, expand, all around.
During that lengthy span of time when each of us weathered storms that blew our minds, I felt such a strong need to examine the path of my life that writing from a place of intuitive thought overshadowed the voracious reader in me for quite a spell—in fact, the depth of my need to comprehend changes that confounded my sense of clarity seemed to place my mind under a spell—beginning two decades ago—when much to my amazement the most vital aspect of my life came undone even though I'd followed society's prescription for achieving a happy sense of personal success to the letter of unwritten law, and from that time to this, I've chosen to identify those times when intuitive anxiety is signaling my conscious mind to reconsider fears of wrong doing, learned at my mother's knee, in hopes of freeing my whole self to adventure, cautiously, ever more deeply into uncharted territory whenever a sense of adventure beckons me to muster the courage to experience for myself that which I'd been taught to fear, and over these past several years, you've watched me tunnel, determinedly, through my wall of denial in hopes that my quest for insight into deeper truth will continue to inspire my current trains of thought to light up with Aha! moments that free my mind, spirit and body from knuckling under to subconscious anxieties left unresolved in the aftermath of childhood trauma, which had, at that early time in life, scared my undeveloped cognitive skills half to death.
If you ask how all of this affects the ongoing development of harmonic familial relationships, I'd reply: Offspring observe and feel inspired by each parent's disconnectedness from or connectedness to personal growth...
BTW, supporting each other does not mean frustration does not raise its irritated little head—supporting each other means discussing frustrations openly and respectfully by listening to each other's thoughts and reactions, knowing that, with patience and mutual respect intact, we'll brainstorm through whatever disturbs inner peace as life moves forward, one step at a time. And thus have we come to embrace the concept of tweaking plans that prove unworkable for this one or that one until comfort zones, concerning unexpected change, expand, all around.
During that lengthy span of time when each of us weathered storms that blew our minds, I felt such a strong need to examine the path of my life that writing from a place of intuitive thought overshadowed the voracious reader in me for quite a spell—in fact, the depth of my need to comprehend changes that confounded my sense of clarity seemed to place my mind under a spell—beginning two decades ago—when much to my amazement the most vital aspect of my life came undone even though I'd followed society's prescription for achieving a happy sense of personal success to the letter of unwritten law, and from that time to this, I've chosen to identify those times when intuitive anxiety is signaling my conscious mind to reconsider fears of wrong doing, learned at my mother's knee, in hopes of freeing my whole self to adventure, cautiously, ever more deeply into uncharted territory whenever a sense of adventure beckons me to muster the courage to experience for myself that which I'd been taught to fear, and over these past several years, you've watched me tunnel, determinedly, through my wall of denial in hopes that my quest for insight into deeper truth will continue to inspire my current trains of thought to light up with Aha! moments that free my mind, spirit and body from knuckling under to subconscious anxieties left unresolved in the aftermath of childhood trauma, which had, at that early time in life, scared my undeveloped cognitive skills half to death.
If you ask how all of this affects the ongoing development of harmonic familial relationships, I'd reply: Offspring observe and feel inspired by each parent's disconnectedness from or connectedness to personal growth...
If the past is finally past and the future remains unknown then the sweetness of today's heartfelt smiles, as seen in photos, reflects a path, where positively focused, open minded attitudes continue to expand our mindsets as each of us grows ever more conscious of appreciating this fact: Life's blessings are more often earned than bestowed. In short ...
Good things come not to those who wait, passively or wail inconsolably but rather to those who work, patiently (and often times, passionately) to achieve long range goals, suggesting that unique individuals, working as team mates, can brainstorm toward accomplishing that which may seem like impossible dreams once defensive reactiveness stops running interference with winning game plays that save the day in the nick of time by achieving one first down at a time ...
On another note, I had a dream, last night
Not a nightmare but not a sweet dream by any stretch of my imagination
As the content of this dream has meaning for
No one but me, I'll cut right to the chase:
Yet again, intuition, speaking from a subconscious dream state
Cautions my conscious mind to remain alert
Because as soon as I get too cocky for my own good
Cautions my conscious mind to remain alert
Because as soon as I get too cocky for my own good
Reality will be sure to knock my hard won sense of balance for a loop ...
And thus does the content of last night's dream suggest that
As grounded as I feel, today, tis wise to remember
The classic nature of life's unpredictably ...
Or, quoting Laugh In's Rosanadana: It's always something!
This too ...
When I write of embracing myself as a whole
That does not mean to say my less desirable traits
Are given carte blanche to run away with the sun, stars and moon
Leaving darkness behind for everyone else to
Muddle their way through life, blindly, on their own
Please make no mistake ...
Freeing my heart to soar with joy does not
Cast my sense of self discipline to the winds
All I'm saying is this:
Please make no mistake ...
Freeing my heart to soar with joy does not
Cast my sense of self discipline to the winds
All I'm saying is this:
Insight into my conscious decision to
Embrace myself as a whole suggests
Embrace myself as a whole suggests
A personal need to expand my mindset to accept and integrate
Both sides of myself instead of drawing forth
The wet noodle with which to flog myself, as had
Been true in the past, whenever
Been true in the past, whenever
My decision to meet my needs superseded
Meeting needs of loved ones, whose
Personal interests and desires may have
Differed so much from my own as to have contributed to
My subconscious need to figure out how best to fulfill
Personal interests and desires of my own on my own ... within reason
You see, each time I consciously embrace the sum of
My traits as comprising my whole as
My traits as comprising my whole as
I would with a friend, a sense of compassion for
My unmet needs and subconscious fears feels
Less angst ridden than before, suggesting that
Balance is directly opposed to
My unmet needs and subconscious fears feels
Less angst ridden than before, suggesting that
Balance is directly opposed to
Existing in a persistent state of
Victim mode, self righteous mode or on middle ground
Victim mode, self righteous mode or on middle ground
A true sense of balance suggests the mindful adoption of
A decision making process that frees my whole self to
Explore and feel the full range of God given human emotions by
Tethering my trains of thought to the concept of I'm ok/you're ok ...
And as this positive change in my attitude
Makes short work of judgmental guilt trips, all around
I hope to partake in re-strengthening
Deeply valued relationships, knowing that
One change leads to another, so hopefully, with patience intact
That which goes around may come home to roost before too long
You know the refrain:
If the bird was ever yours
You know the refrain:
If the bird was ever yours
It will freely fly full circle through your window—
As long as the window to your soul remains open and welcoming ...
As long as the window to your soul remains open and welcoming ...
PS
I awoke and began to read before
Intuitive thought inspired me to
Switch screens from iBooks to Blog ... Ahhh
Switch screens from iBooks to Blog ... Ahhh
Imagine a deeply peaceful sigh breaking into
A cheek splitting grin as I slip out of bed, eager
To greet the first day of the rest of
My rebalanced, yet unpredictable life ...
As to the wet noodle...
All this diving for insight into clarity
Has made me hungry, so
I ate it
Monday, October 5, 2015
1412-OH SUMMER FUN IN THE SUN
2015
Ravi's first 4th
BarBQ and seafood boil after the parade
At bedtime, four year old Ray and R2D2 buddy up
The Look of Love
Ravi, slathered in sunscreen, eager to dive from kitchen counter into pool
So okay—maybe diving is a little premature ...
Steven's first Father's Day
Quintessential 4th at the cabin
Awaiting home-made floats along the main drag
Ravi's first 4th
And the promenade of floats goes on and on ...
BarBQ and seafood boil after the parade
On the coast at Ray's Star Wars Birthday Party
Après le partie, Tony and Ray's mama, Marie, sits down to relax
At bedtime, four year old Ray and R2D2 buddy up
Uncle David, babysitting for the first time, has it under control
Uncle David fed me, burped me and even changed my diaper!
Out and about with the boys
LegoLand
More cabin time—my magic place ...
Ravi and Gramma cuddle up at the cabin
Ravi and Daddy cuddle up at the cabin
Why is everybody always laughing at me?
Why is everybody always laughing at me? (at the fair on the coast)
Ray thinks he can polish off that humongous turkey leg
Our human alarm clock about to jump on Will
Second generation of chocolate chip pancakes on Sunday morning
David and his 'little brother', Brett, dig in
To know you is to love you
David, Steven, Ravi and Celina chill'in poolside in the sun
Tony and Barry enjoy pool fun in the sun
Will being silly in the shade
Tony, Marie and Ray enjoy brunch at the beach
So do Barry, Celina, Ravi, Steven and Will
Ravi, all smiles with cracker in hand
Photo of family photographer, snapped after brunch
Nap time and pool time overlap
Full tummy, clean diaper, love abounds—all is right with Ravi's little world
Floating on fun, buoyed by love on all sides
Ain't life grand!
Getting to know you, getting to know all about you
When friends, who become family, have families of their own ...
I don't want our time together to end ...
I like this thing the grown ups call 'a family vacation'
With Labor Day comes Tony's first day of kindergarten
And Ray's first day of pre-K
Ray is actually happy about school—not so happy, posing for pictures
Two weeks of high energy fun meant lots of naps for the young ...
At heart
At heart
As suggested by Ravi's megawatt smile ...
This summer was so much fun
We can't wait to do it, again and again!
We can't wait to do it, again and again!
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