1213 WELCOME MALTA

2015
Let's bid a warm welcome to readers in Malta ...

79 nations and counting ... or is that 80?
I've lost count ...

As to what's taking place within my own little corner of the world, today—
Ravi's come to play!  :)

1312 WHEN POSITIVE FOCUS WAVERS (WHO—ME?)

Negative thinking patterns:

I'll never figure this out
So I might as well quit

I think to know you
And then you disappoint me

Positive thinking patterns

This problem proves more complex than I'd thought
With help, I may grow to understand that which confounds me, today

When a person's perception or decision disappoints me
I remind myself of the mental complexities that make each person's perception unique

Horoscopic musings:
You set yourself up against worthy opposition.
This motivates you to do your best thinking

You have a talent for thinking things through.
What's well conceived and well expressed will be well received

Don't wait for permission to move forward; claim what you want

Persistence will win but only when coupled with problem-solving skills.
Even then, success will require tinkering

You can't change other people
You can plant seeds that may inspire them to change themselves

The tiniest thing can make you happy when the prize is well earned.
Use this principle to your advantage by supplying
A small but meaningful prize for a person you value

The idealistic approach to life that makes you 'you' will kick back in, leading you to re-embrace the sincere belief that any situation can be transformed for the better when insight empowers your mind to love inclusively rather than exclusively
(So—NGU)

2015
Though my need to honor my sense of privacy with the same respect that I offer to others remains strong, I sincerely hope that the unpublished post, penned, over this last week, will show up on your screen, soon.

It's not as if a detailed account of memories, which haunt my peace of mind, is revealed in that post.  In  fact, I've not yet gained insight into the reason why my mind feels resistant to re-reading my thoughts, which, as of yet, I have not.  And surely, I'll not publish my thoughts before my mind feels free to review that which intuition directed me to write.

I find it of interest to note that while recovering from cataract surgery, my sight and insight feel more fuzzy than is usually true of me.  Perhaps when I have reason to feel physically vulnerable, the same holds true for my thought processor, because 'everything's connected'.  Anyway, as I move through each slightly disoriented day, I feel more like a stranger to myself than not.  It's almost as if my brain has been respectfully requesting patience and less stimulation while this period of mental adjustment and physical absorption of a newly implanted lens moves forward.  And in compliance with intuitive need to redirect my energy toward healing, I've been planning exceptionally quiet days—unless Ravi, and the delight with which her presence brightens my zest for life, shows up at my door.

Saw the surgeon, yesterday, and asked:
Is it normal to feel disoriented 10 days after surgery?
His response felt reassuring:
"Not with the mono-focal lens
Definitely with the multi-focal lens, which was your choice."
How long does it take the brain to adjust to this change?
"For some, weeks.  For others, months—however
You'll probably feel less disoriented after
The second surgery takes place on Tuesday, but even then
You can expect to feel a bit of mental confusion until your
Brain has had time to adjust to the fact that you'll be seeing
Everything, near and far, differently than before
Each time you put on your glasses for distance or reading
An added sense of mental stress is experienced, because
The new lens, implanted within your right eye
No longer matches your prescriptive lens, so
Each time you wear your glasses
You may feel as dizzied as if you tried to see through
Glasses, belonging to a friend"

Thank goodness, my examination offered proof that
The first surgery met with excellent results—
Upon reading the eye chart with my 'new' eye
I aced the tiny letters on the bottom line, and
After Tuesday's surgery, my surgeon believes
The same will be true of my second eye, as well
On the other hand, surgery is surgery, so while
Placing my faith in my positively focused attitude and
My surgeon's expertise, reality suggests that I'll feel
A bit apprehensive until the sandman
Also known as anesthesiologist, sends me into dreamland
PS
Just returned from our optometrist, who
Popped the right lens out of my glasses
I figured that upon taking this
Proactive step toward change for the better
My brain is apt to line up, more quickly, with
My right eye's new view of reality
And with thoughts of advancing, patiently, toward clarity
This probability just flashed through my mind:
Once my resistance to rereading
Last week's unpublished train of thought has been
Overcome, I'll wonder what mysterious sensitivity to
Negativity heightened my vulnerability enough to stop me from
Publishing that post, because—
I don't remember writing anything that I'd not want you to read ...
And that last thought is in keeping with this fact:
The human brain is such a highly complex machine that he or she, who
Is charged with its optimal operation would be wise to become
Knowledgeably well trained to react with sensitivity when change is afoot

1311 MY MIND HAS A MIND OF ITS OWN

I wrote a post
A long post
Not as long as some but
Longer than expected because
Insight-driven thoughts, tunneling from
Deep within kept surfacing into my conscious mind, and
Like cars, coupling into one-continuous-train-of-thought
That string of insights served to transport my mind straight through
A clouded state of confusion until I saw the light at the tunnel's end
And as I traveled from darkness to light, my state of denial was
Illuminated, freeing a closed mindset to open and expand
A narrow view of myself, which had been less than positive ...

When that eye-opening, insight driven
Continuous-train-of-thought pulled into
Yesterday's rest station
I chose not to publish it for this reason:
I feel an intuitive need for this particular train-of-thought to
Belong 'soul-ly' to me until I feel free to share it with you ...
And though I know not why that's true, I can reveal at least
One reason why my need for privacy feels necessary, at least for now:
Generally, mind expansion lifts my spirit ... however
Presently, that's not the case ... And—Oh my gosh!
Suddenly, intuitive thought, flashing through my mind, has
Named the insight, which had escaped detection, yesterday, when
In the absence of clarity, I'd had no clue as to what had forbidden me from
Exposing the unpublished post to you—however, with this insight in mind
I feel no resistance concerning sharing this thought, which intuition has
Just whispered into my ear, so here it comes:
My need for privacy was based in the fact that
Yesterday's conscious train of thought had toted
Baggage so painful as to have remained stuffed as deeply within
My subconscious as was humanly possible, and any thought that
Felt remotely related to the depth of that pain (associated with
Childhood memories too fearsome to consciously recall)
Weighed so heavy on my spirit as to have compelled
My think tank to pull down the curtain on
An emotional reaction, which had colored my self esteem so
Darkly with shame as to have refused my adult mind clearance to
Publish a post that had revealed a string of insights, which
Has refused to

Filter from 'safe-keeping' within a deep pocket of
My subconscious into my conscious awareness until
The complex adult, whom I've grown to be, has had time to
Garner the courage to fully face and absorb this fact:
Before my memory feels free to expose a train of thought that
Has surfaced, insight by insight, I'll need time to muster
The courage to shed yet another thickened layer of denial before
Shining a spotlight toward the reveal of a deeper truth—to myself—
About yet another shameful sense of undeserved guilt, which is
Still empowered to weigh heavy on my spirit whenever
Anything relating to that secreted experience knocks on the door of
My conscious awareness in hopes of expanding
My sense of clarity, concerning yesteryear's reality, more so than
Had ever been possible, until now ... and not until
My rebalanced sense of self esteem feels wholly innocent of
Wrong doing (when, as an obedient child
I'd followed the lead of an adult) will my newly awakened
Sense of wholeness feel empowered to free my whole mind to
Send that soulful train of thought into cyberspace, where
Public consumption awaits to consume the intimate nature of
This secreted memory, which has recently colored
My conscious mind with the dark stain of shame inherent in
Undeserved guilt, which my defense system had repressed behind
Layers of denial, over most of my life, and if today's post makes you ask:
Annie, when will your conscious mind stop fearing
Your intuitive need to release all subconscious sense of
Undeserved shame, which burns with resentment born of
Repressed rage, thus freeing your stolen sense of wholesome
Innocence to re-awaken and relax, once and for all?
I'd reply:  As each next intuitive train of thought, fueled by
Strings of insight that brighten my conscious awareness to
Deeper truths (which had proven far too complex for the mind of
A child to fathom), emerges, my readiness to absorb
Insights—riding out of my depths as though on
A freedom train chugging forward from one station to the next—will
Continue to develop a greater sense of inner strength, thus empowering
My adult mind with the capability to unload additional layers of
Baggage by way of blogging my way toward clarity, day after day
And I believe that by gathering the patience necessary to allow
This well practiced pattern to move forward at its own pace
My adult mind will continue to heal from childhood terrors, step
By step until we reach the end of the line, where, ultimately
Readiness for my adult inner strengths to unite will unload and examine
The most frightening piece of baggage, thus exposing
The dreaded details of a memory so dark that my sense of clarity will
Liberate my conscious mind from experiencing any future episodes of
PTSD—AT LAST!

Ha!  Silly me ...
My defense system had thought to stop me from blogging in order to
Deny (sidestep) the emergence of dark demons that haunt my spirit to
This very day—thank goodness, my well practiced sense of
Intuitive thought caught tuned me into my defense system's most
Recent attempt to re-construct that wall of denial by declaring:  No way, Jose!
Here's my take on intuitive thought working to foil my defense system's
Ploy to sidetrack my growing sense of clarity from digging toward
Deeper truths, which remain in their buried state:
My defense system had 'thought' to lighten the contents of my posts by
Penning stories of raising my sons as I'd wished to have been raised myself ...
And though my over-all plan to reveal those stories continues to
Hold true, suggesting that you can expect to read success stories, concerning
Birth order and minimizing sibling rivalry ... I hope you've not missed
The fact that intuitive thought felt need to give my conscious awareness
A good shaking in order to awaken my intelligence to my need to
Stop the defensive portion of my thought processor from 'thinking' to
Undermine the progress I've worked so diligently to achieve by attempting to
Bury repressed fury and pain every bit as deeply as had been true before
Sessions of EMDR had begun to coax layers of unresolved anger to
Filter through my wall of denial into my conscious mind
And hopefully, by now, you can see why working to maintain
My self-empowered strengths by openly confronting repressed pain in
Post after post, day after day, proves so far from easy that
My NEVER GIVE UP attitude must be recharged, repeatedly, until
The day dawns when readiness to crack through that final barrier of
Denial offers me a brand new sense of insight-driven independence from
The darkest ('forgotten') memories of my past—AT LAST

And so
Of course
I do not feel free to
Reveal yesterday's post to you until
Intuition, working to clarify today's stream of insight for
Myself, is clearly mine, and thus can we see why I'd instinctively felt
Need to respect my sense of privacy as I would honor yours ...
And as insight concerning my sense of confusion has cleared from
My mind, I can see our next rest station awaiting our arrival, directly ahead
Right after I reveal how I know that to be true:
Today's string of insights has enlightened my mind to understand why
My spirit felt dark when I'd felt intuitively compelled to
Set Toni Morrison's novel, GOD HELP THE CHILD, aside in favor of
Writing this post—and if you wonder whether my unpublished post will
Show up on your screen, tomorrow, well—time will tell whether or not
I'll feel ready to expose my misperceived, self-inflicted sense of shame to
You after my processor has had time to percolate more deeply over
Today's insight while the rest of me sleeps soundly, tonight ...

Geez!
I didn't expect to pen any of this, today,  suggesting, once again, that
My first thought, concerning pulling the curtain down on my blog, for
An undetermined length of time, was not my best thought—
At least, not right now, and in light of today's insights, I can say:
It's a good thing that my mind has a mind of its own!

PS
About an hour ago, Ellie (my housekeeper, friend and
Right-hand woman for these past 34 years)
Walked into my bedroom, where my mind-of-its-own and
My iPad were in bed, partnering up while penning this post, when
My dear friend smiled and asked,  How are you?
Upon looking up from my work
My heart offered Ellie a half smile while my mind responded:
I'm feeling kind of confounded ...
At this, Ellie shook her head and laughed
There you are, Annie!  Working to figure everything out, again, right?
Now, it was my turn to laugh before replying:
Thank you, for saying:
 There you are, Annie!  Figuring everything out—instead of saying:
There you are, Annie, driving yourself crazy, again!
After sharing in another laugh, my friend offered my spirit another lift:
Crazy?  You?  No way!  You make better use of your brain to
Solve problems than anyone I've ever met!
Then, Ellie continued with:
Once in a while I can figure out the deeper reason why
I feel what I feel, but most of the time, while trying to
Analyze myself like you do, I end up feeling so frustrated that
I throw my arms up in the air and say:
Oh for God sake—I give up!

As Ellie has admitted that same perception to me more than once
Our spirits enjoyed an even heartier laugh, and seeing mine perk up
Ellie went about her business of straightening the house while
My mind—with a mind of its own—resumed blogging in hopes of
Straightening out my conscious perception of myself before
I close for today, and though I may not be facing a five star day
All of this laughing and smiling and feeling 'known'
Has added at least one additional star to a day that had felt
Upon awakening, too dark for even one star to twinkle from
Within the depths of my mind's eye—symbolizing the fact that
Subconscious memories (combining with my recent sense of
Heartfelt loss) are still empowered to cast dark shadows of
Self disparagement on my spirit's sense of freedom to
Soar with joy unless—the phone happens to ring, and upon hearing
Steven's voice, my think tank lifts with hopeful thoughts of
A play date with Ravi, whose precious presence fills my heart with
Unadulterated bliss, and so, my friends, I wonder if you can answer
What a cup-half-full person must be lacking when a mind awakens with
Feelings of darkness, weighing as heavy on the spirit, as proved true of
Mine, today?
Is it lack of balance?
Is it lack of clarity?
Is it lack of insight, concerning understanding my deeply complex inner self?
Or is the correct answer:
All of the above?

Can you see why strings of insight—serving to release deeply buried, repressed feelings of unjust, yet unrelenting, guilt—must brighten my sense of clarity before my cup-half-full sense of balance regains sight of my agile mind's ability to relax once my current train of thought pulls into each next station, which awaits at the completion of each post I feel compelled to pen?

Whew!  Imagine my mind releasing a sigh of relief, suggesting my dark awakening, this morning, was necessary, so that I'd pen a post empowered to transform a two star day into three, perhaps, even four, not just today, but in the future, as well!

And to think that I'd thought to stop blogging for a while—
Guess my first thought wasn't my best thought, at least not yet ...
Thank goodness, the habit I've developed, over time, served to
Open my mind to seriously consider that which my house guest
Felt need to say, suggesting why my original plan to
Close one door in favor of opening another has clearly
Changed for the better ...
As to whether I'll feel like posting or not, tomorrow—
At this point in time, your guess is as good as mine ...

1310 A SIGHT FOR SORE EYES ...

2015
As expected, recuperation after cataract surgery
Proved smooth and swift ...
The surgeon prescribed three kinds of eyes drops, each
To be administered several times a day for three weeks
And though I've chosen to follow
Every one of the doctor's instructions
The best medicine lay cradled, sweetly, in my arms ...
In fact, you might say that the healing nature of
Ravi's sweetness was a heartwarming sight for sore eyes :)

1309 WILL SHE—OR WON'T SHE?

2015
Simply put:
Before our house guests arrived, I'd decided to
Place my blog aside for an undefined length of time.
That decision had been based in these factors:
I've not felt like story-telling for quite a while
Recent streams of thought have felt more repetitive, less insight-driven
And perhaps that's why
Readership has not increased in months
I'd begun to wonder whether I've been
Denying the possibility of having tired of
Conducting one way conversations, daily, and
Since, for the most part, the comment box goes unfed
Perhaps my enthusiastic approach to
Penning insights that inspire positive changes in my life are
Less meaningful to others than I'd like to believe ...
Then, while that line of thinking cycled through my mind
Our house guests arrived—and one went on and on about how often my
Trains of thought inspire her own to dive ever more deeply into
Her family history, and when I revealed my thoughts, concerning
Pulling down the curtain for an undetermined length of time
My guest voiced her hope that I'd reconsider my position—though
She'd agreed that the decision-making process was mine, and
Upon listening to her unsolicited belief that she feels inspired to
'Know' and expose more of herself, day by day
I found myself reconsidering my original decision—and
Now that our guests have flown home

My attention turns to cataract surgery, which

Having been scheduled for tomorrow, offers my mental processor time to
Coast with contemplation while healing takes place, over these next several days ...

And as it's time to put drops in my right eye, which will be
The first to receive a new multi-focal lens ...
I'll leave you with a few more 'horoscoptic' thoughts to consider for yourselves:

You have mixed feelings about the gifts you've been given, because these gifts come with responsibility, and it's up to you to make the most of each opportunity that arises ...

The cosmic gift coming your way was always meant to be yours ...

When you feel at ease, everyone around you feels more at ease.  People want to know where you come from, so whichever parts of your life that you choose to share will be appreciated.

Playfulness is a forte of yours; however, today, it's important to highlight your serious side.  You have the potential to make a remarkable difference with the decisions you make.

Your ability to focus intently for hours at a time is the reason that each of your endeavors meets with success, over the long run.

As the human spirit thrives amongst life's beauties, this year, you'll do what it takes to bring gorgeous additions into your world, and as your efforts will be embraced, you'll feel compensated, accordingly ...

1308 WHAT A DIFFERENCE A DAY MAKES ...

2015
You don't have to believe in magic to experience something that can't be explained to others.  Give your wishes a break and allow yourself to be swept up by a breath-taking surprise, which depends upon taking a huge leap of faith ... your heart is elastic ... the more people you include, the bigger it becomes ...  Many short journeys, this year, will keep you excited, motivated and in love ... with what?  As always, that's 'soully' up to you ...

Each time an unexpected experience gives me sound reason to reconsider my position with a mind open to listening to the deeply considered opinion of another, my decision-making process proves to be less black or white than my original mindset had surmised.  As a result of consciously choosing to embrace gradient shades of grey once my narrow mindset has been reconsidered, insight emerges, which lightens my perspective concerning an inner conflict, which had need to resolve.  Then, resultant of resolving this conflict or that, my grey matter, feeling expansively elastic, appreciates a sense of peaceful repose until ... fate tosses another hurtle in my path and...ready or not ... I find myself in need of mustering the courage to take another leap of faith into the great unknown ... And like it or not ... guess what, my friends?  I can say without a shred of doubt ... That's life!

1307 WHEN TWO HEADS PROVE BETTER THAN ONE

2015
So here's an interesting development that occurred, overnight:
A discussion, at breakfast this morning, gave me reason to
Reconsider a decision I'd made, yesterday, concerning my blog
Though my original position had been based in an insight, which
I'd thought had offered me clarity about making a change
The viewpoint of another suggested that, upon engaging in
An open-minded discussion,  which makes sense
A narrow frame of mind can expand as easily as a rubber band ...
And since my participation in this mind-expanding discussion
Took place at breakfast, this morning
The decision I'd thought to have made, yesterday, which
Has not yet been written, is, once again, open for discussion amongst
Me, Myself and I ...
Just goes to prove ... We have no clue what may influence
A mindset to change for the betterment of all, once
A personal point of view has been reconsidered with
A greater sense of thoroughness than before  ... :)

Details describing this changing state of mind, which
Once again, is rolling back and forth inside my head, when
Time to write frees up ...