1118 (47) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 63

47
2002
Swinging ...

“I like knowing that your love of reading began with me, but I was referring to reading about resolving conflicts between adults …"

“Well, Mom, one night, when the boys were young and I was determined to stop them from killing each other, I got into bed and picked up a book about sibling rivalry.  No matter how exhausting our busy, rough and tumble days proved to be, I'd feel eager to read before falling asleep.  At some point, while reading that book, this insight hit:  It dawned on me that as soon as adults get upset, most of us revert spontaneously to acting as irrationally as angry little kids.  So, growing older doesn’t necessarily equate with growing wiser, because emotional maturity relies upon self-examination, heightened levels of self control and conscious choice.  In other words, achieving heightened levels of emotional intelligence takes work.  Concentration.  Dedication.  Practice.  Progression in terms of training our brains.  You know, like working to progress from general math to algebra 1,2,3, and 4, then to geometry, leading to trig and calculus ...

When adults engage in conflict resolution, our eyes, ears, and minds can be so busy watching and listening to our opponents' hasty emotional reactions that we don’t see, hear, recognize or remember our own.  *If we fail to recognize our own defensive thinking, listening and speaking patterns then we’re likely to miss the subtle ways that insecurity and negativity breed self absorbed attitudes, which blind us to those times when the ego blocks intelligence from considering every plea to expand a narrow point view.  *Here's why my fascination, concerning defensive patterns, which lead toward self defeat, deepens, as though I'm mining my mind for gold:  *The more I work at identifying, understanding and transforming my defensive traits, the better friend I become to you.

"Uh—you're losing me, Annie.  I need an example."

Okay.  Look at it this way, Mom.  Let’s say that you and I jump into a painting, which we have no clue has been crookedly hung.  Each time we gaze out at the rest of the room—from our skewed point of view—we might agree that the floor is slanted when, in fact, the rest of the room may be in balance while we are not.  When misperception alters the little we can see from an unchanging position, our egos cast blame onto others while shifting all possibility of mistaken perception away from ourselves.  In this way do our egos serve as master magicians, performing tricks inside our heads.  And here’s the ego’s best trick of all:  After placing personal opinions and beliefs into a hat, the ego waves its magic wand and, ‘presto-chango’, personal thoughts, magically transform into facts!  If nothing can shake those 'facts' free of an ego, which needs to remain blind to reality and deaf to logic, then this master magician may fool every impressionable mind in the room to view his opinions and beliefs as facts, too.  In this way do falsehoods pass from person to person (As in ... the world is flat), until— DEEPER TRUTH emerges in the end, freeing one and all from one person's limited fabrication.

If, while hung up on the wall, you and I can't see where our viewpoints are out of balance with reality, then you reassure me that my view is right while I do the same for you, which is why neither of us can figure out how to straighten ourselves or each other out.  In short, when we're blind to our own self defeating, closed-minded traits then I can't help you out of a jam and you can't help me.  We both need a friend, who has the courage to ask us to muster the humility to listen to an expanded view that extends the framework of our minds, so we can see where the limitations of our view are too narrow to experience an objective view of reality as it actually exists.  Whereas open minds seek help to gain insight into bigger pictures when change takes place and conflicts remain unresolved, closed minds, based in limited points of view, form unchanging attitudes, which determine how we feel about this or that as though we're wearing blinders to the fact that change is taking place while everyone moves from one stage of life to the next. "

Once my mind is on a roll, nothing can stop my tongue from wagging, on and on, so my dissertation on friendship in flux continues with ...

"Though many are born smart, it can take a lifetime before a group of smart people learns how vital it is to place egos in time out in hopes of listening to each other's concerns openly, patiently and objectively during conflict resolution. Each time we give the ego and its henchmen (defense mechanisms) free reign to run the show, we whitewash our own character traits while darkening the traits of others, whose points of view differ from our own.  As the ego cannot concede to making mistakes, let's imagine a posse of vigilantes riding their trusty steeds across the badlands, whooping it up with shouts of:  'String'em up to the nearest tree!'  Just as wisdom whispers through the ages, so doth the dark side of human nature, which whips gang-like mentality into a mindless frenzy while declaring:  KILL THE MESSENGER WHOSE EXPANDED PERSPECTIVE SPEAKS OF DEEPER TRUTH!"

“You can't expect people to think to listen to themselves in depth like that, Annie.”

“Quite true, Mom ... but I'm not quite finished processing this train of thought, so here's what I was about to say:  *In the absence of objectivity, smart people fail to recognize how often we act too smart for our own good.  The fact that Western culture reveres youth while pushing the elderly off to one side is one of our society’s most serious mistakes.  When inexperience replaces experience, so that the Midas touch can pay lower salaries, as in 'more for me, less for you', productivity suffers, all around.  (Mom is now shaking her head vigorously, YES!)  Life is divided into four seasons for sound reason:  Though youth may be born with smarts, those smarts are wasted when the impatience of ego leapfrogs over humility and time-tested wisdom is ignored, dismissed, laid off ... fired.”

 “And how!  So, tell me, Annie, how’d you get to be so analytical?”

1117 (46) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 62

46
2002
Swinging ...

“Annie, why do you think it necessary to grow toward humility and objectivity, when those traits are already yours?”

“Well, Mom, people change for better or worse, all the way through life.  Knowing that, I remind myself to spend more time reflecting over changes I need to make rather than trying to change inconsistencies and misperceptions of family and friends, who dig their heels into denial, again and again.  Each time I think to summon humility, my ability to listen grows more attentive to aligning with the underlying feeling that the speaker is trying to convey, so that, hopefully, my responses will be less judgmental or defensive, more on target with objectivity.  With attentiveness and objectivity, clarity offers me insight into aspects of my life where I may be in denial of truths, which are hard for me to face, today.

*For example, it was necessary to set defensive reactions aside in favor of embracing the objectivity to accept the futility of defending myself, here and there, when my marriage came apart.  Those who wanted to think well of me did.  Those who had need to put me down worked hard to twist the truth into knots no matter what I said.  Mom, do you know why many of my friendships changed, at that time?”

At this, Mom replies:  “I think you want to tell me why, Annie.” After we laugh, I continue  …

“With a few exceptions, I chose to fly with a new flock for this reason:  Negatively focused judgments, which knocked my socks off, caused my definition of friendship to change.  Once I'd tired of explaining myself to people whom I'd thought to know me well, intuition suggested spending time with those who can muster the courage and humility to embrace insight into personal growth, as do I.  Since experience catalyzes change to take place inside my brain, and since my brain directs my path, I choose to fill my think tank with as much insight into positively focused change as possible.

Today, I seek friends who are not energized by bullying in passive aggressive ways.  I've come to see a true friend as one who does not fear insight into truths, which prove hard to accept.  A true friend does not gossip about me as soon as I leave the room.  A true friend is not a 'yes man'.  *I mean, who knows what a 'yes man' is really thinking but afraid to say.  A true friend asks questions in hopes of sidestepping negatively focused judgment calls.  The depth of my self respect does not need to feel surrounded with clones.  Rather than speaking with forked tongue, a true friend will ask direct questions, in hopes of remaining on the same page, where clarity exist on both sides. In short, I can more readily identify and disengage from subtle power struggles.

*Each time I come up against the subtleness of a put down artist, today, I speak up for myself before stepping back to see if it happens, again.  If, upon identifying a pattern, I find that the strength of our connection depends upon your need to control me, watch me rebel.”

"You're not a rebel, Annie."

"I wasn't a rebel, Mom.  Today, I am.  I didn't realize how hard I'd had to work to repress rebellion within my 'safe, little shell until Will and I cracked apart.  I don't know which was harder for me during that chaotic time:  Listening to negatively focused perceptions that twisted the truth out of shape or choosing to respond graciously instead of lashing out at 'frienemies', who'd put me down.  When responding to false allegations, today, I take a time out to calm defensive reactiveness down, and while standing behind my line of control, I listen to my think tank replying clearly, logically, respectfully ... naturally.

"Where do you find time to do so much thinking, Annie?"

"That's easy, Mom. While I'm working to identify and set aside defensive attitudes, others are wasting time, harping on life's unfairness.  During the years following our separation, my adoption of objective thought processing saved me from turning into a bitter, shriveled, dried up old prune.  *As humility serves as a catalyst for personal growth, my ability to feel intuitively true to my whole self, ripens with age.  As an end result of training my brain to think astutely, under fire, clarity pinpoints positively focused attitudes and behaviors, which prove misperceptions of naysayers as being off target."

“I don’t know how you do it, Annie.  Your mind never stops working!”

*“Every mind is always working, Mom.  I just focus my think tank on expanding my perspective toward objectivity more often than wasting time griping while pointing fingers of blame.”

Then with a serious smile, my train of thought makes a u-turn.  “It’s true that I can wear myself out.  But each time the main root of a subtle power struggle, which had escaped detection, emerges, a change in my perspective grants me peace of mind.  And though, at times, my mind feels sorely stretched, the fact that I experience peace of mind is worth all the effort that tires my brain...

Dr. David Schnarch writes about the evolution of growth periods and rest periods, while working toward individuation, which he calls differentiation.  After reading his book, Passionate Marriage, I knew I needed to be in the same room as his brain, so we booked time with him and flew to Colorado.  Today, when asked to describe the most frustrating aspect of participating in any significant, long lasting relationship, I respond:  *As the human brain has a strong herding instinct, it’s tough to accept the fact that the only brain we can attempt to open, in hopes of embracing time tested knowledge, is the one inside our own head.  It's not easy to work toward deeper levels of self respect, knowing that the herd has come to view you as weird, nuts, or, heaven forbid ... a black sheep.  You can believe me when I say that it took a whale of courage for a good-girl pleaser like me to stand up to the herd in order to herald the self respect I most assuredly deserved ...

Each time I feel too ‘hot’ to respond to another person's subtle put down, indicating that I'm being viewed as an uncaring blackguard—I take time out to silence my ire until my frustration calms down at least enough to respond with an objective attitude, thus embracing compassion, kindness and logic.  Each time intelligence reminds my emotional reaction to cool down, my chosen attitude is more apt to distinguish truth from fiction, while tomatoes are being flung at me.  Instead of responding to an overt or subtle putdown with another, I choose not to stoop to a defensive level, which leads both sides straight toward self defeat.  Once clarity is mine, I feel little need to prove anything to a person who professes to befriend me.  *More often than not, I've come to see insecurity, rather than malicious intent, as the culprit that is biting chunks out of our friendship until very little in the way of meaningful connection is left.

While reminding myself that my opinions may not be synonymous with facts, I disengage from conversations in which others mistake their opinions for facts—repeatedly.  *Instead of calling those in denial to task, unsuccessfully, repeatedly, I, now, untangle my mind from any situation that cycles round the same-old, negatively focused track—indefinitely!  *Hear my voice less frequently?  Know that I'm still listening, attentively, objectively in search of a pattern that helps me to gain insight into the underlying reason as to why someone feels need of putting me down ...

*At times, when I’m called to task for mistaking my opinion for fact, it's time to summon humility, consider what's being said more deeply than before, and if the person's point of view begins to make sense, I'll thank that person for helping me to rebalance an attitude, which had unknowingly attached to a negatively focused track.  *Each time I consciously call intelligence into play, my ego's voice remains benched, and my mind stays clear of becoming embroiled in ‘power plays’ that achieve little more than heightening frustration, all around.”

“Annie, did you learn so much about our defense systems from reading books like EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE?”

“Yes, along with devouring many others, like PASSIONATE MARRIAGE and GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT...  In addition to reading, I've developed a deep appreciation for counselors, who maintain objectivity.  Just as with any profession in life, some counselors remain on target, while others drift off course.  All in all, every counselor I've spent time with has offered me opportunities to recognize traits, which had caused me to self defeat.  Though reading books is one way to seek out new trains of thought, I see counselors as teachers, who inspire me to do my homework, insuring that new channels carve into the thought processor of my brain more deeply than thoughts, which had caused me to make ineffective decisions, leading toward self defeat.  (More about that, later)  I’ve also grown aware of the fact that too much energy is expended when my brain is fending off a build up of frustration that accompanies chronic pain.  I listen to the needs of my body more attentively than before.”

"Annie, how many self defeating traits could you have?"

*Laughingly, I respond, "It's not how many, Mom; it's how easily and often one or two hot buttons can fire up our tempers or pull our spirits down.  Hot buttons don't just make us mad or sad.  *Hot buttons may stimulate insecurity, which has not yet resolved."

“So, tell me, Annie, how did all of this reading begin?”

“Well actually, my connection to reading began with you, Mom.  I loved our weekly trips to the library, where I'd gaze up at endless shelves of stories, feeling swept away into amazing adventures for the taking.  And the fact that I'd looked forward to our story time, each evening, which provided me with another warm, cozy moment with you, at the end of each day, made bedtime such a loving way to drift into a peaceful sleep.  To this day, I look forward to curling up with a great read, every night.  As I'd enjoyed those shared experiences, deeply, I provided the same for my kids.  In fact, today, my book collection contains many of their favorite bedtime storybooks.  One day when they were teens, we sat down on the floor with all of their old time favorites to choose which books to give to good will.  I was surprised at how eagerly each one thumbed through one old time favorite after another.  At the end of that enjoyable experience, only two books left the pile of treasures to savor with their kids, some day.  All the rest went back to their honored place on the shelves.  And as I enjoy reading those classic stories with children, today, my smile widens whenever my eye happens to land on that collection, which has found a home in my kitchen.”

“I like knowing that my reading to you inspired your love of books, Annie.  But I was referring to your reading about resolving conflicts within adult relationships.  How did that develop?"

1116 (45) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 61

45
2002

Swinging … “Though aware of how much my tongue wags, there are so many things I feel the need to say.  Why?  Because I hope to connect with people, worldwide, who want to douse fearsome flames of frustration, which fry our nerves, deep inside.”

“Isn’t that what everyone wants, Annie?”

“Yes, Mom.  But what we want and what needs to be done to awaken firefighters, snoozing inside each one's sense of logic at those times when peace of mind goes up in flames, are not the same.  Experience has made me aware of what happens when our brains feel so alarmed as to close our eyes to why we self defeat in certain aspects of life, repeatedly.  In keeping with mustering the courage to open our eyes to acknowledging emotions, repressed subconsciously, I’ll ask readers to consider these questions, carefully:

·       Is it true that good things come to people who wait, or do good things come as a result of working conscientiously toward achieving heartfelt goals?

·      Isn't it true that wisdom whispers from one generation to the next in hopes that every one of us will seriously consider questions, concerning self-awareness, such as these:

·       Mustn't we grow aware of those times when denial whitewashes our thoughts, words, and actions as well as the thoughts, words and actions of those whom we choose to protect while we darken the thoughts, words and actions of those with whom we're in conflict?

·       How often has your injured ego called upon denial to project your own darker traits upon the messenger, who delivers deeper truth? 

·       If attitude is everything then have you considered which of your attitudes may cause certain relationships to barrel downhill?

·      Can you tell when you're being too hard on yourself?  Now, flip that coin and consider how often you may be too hard on others.

·      Why do darkened attitudes cause us to be harder on certain people than on others?

·       For what reason might certain attitudes darken up?

·      Is it possible that negative attitudes, which darken our perceptions, direct us to take good care of one person, while heaping judgments on another, who has clearly, urgently and repeatedly asked for help to no avail—for years?

·      Is a true friend one who always agrees with your stance or is a true friend one whose courage expresses perceptive insights into deeper truths, honeyed with compassionate kindness?

·      What may result if your defense system blocks, dismisses and refuses to consider any perception that confronts painful truths, which flood your mind with anxiety?

·      As little pitchers with big ears learn by way of 'monkey see—monkey do', ‘monkey hear—monkey say’, wouldn’t it be great if children in need of guidance watched role models, working to heighten levels of emotional maturity during each stage of life?

·      How great would it be to see little monkey faces mimicking whatever we say and do while we're rebalancing self-defeating traits?

·      Won’t children be more apt to perceive of time out as a calming technique if they watch adults, who are close to losing their tempers, taking time out, too?  (Countless times my kids have heard me say:  I need a time out to calm my mind, and when both of our minds stop reeling out of control, we'll sit down and problem solve, logically [rather than tearing each other down, disrespectfully].)

 “Annie, how many adults do you think will work at all that?”

“In yesterday's world—where values suggested children be seen, not heard?  Not many.  Today?  A lot!  Mom, we live in a world where kids have been known to take parents to court!  In today's world, a trip to the woodshed is considered abusive—physically and emotionally—and rightfully so.  We can raise tomorrow's leaders to feel fearfully, resentfully obedient to traditional rules of thumb or to grow up feeling thoughtfully and compassionately cooperative.  Each time I sit down to write, my mind reaches out to THE SELF HELP GENERATION.  In fact, if you stop to think about it, none of this is new to me.  For more than thirty years, I’ve been facilitating workshops and seminars—concerning brain-storming techniques, which encourage adults to deepen their understanding of solution-seeking logic, thus providing each person in a family—from three to 103—with objective, three-step, sanity-saving, problem-solving plans that prove tried and true.

Though it's been deeply rewarding to have passed along insights, concerning mindfulness during conflict resolution, with thousands of participants, who have chosen to attend my classes, seminars and workshops or have read my articles, now, I'm working to connect with millions, who feel eager to soak in wisdom found in self-help books—such as EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE, PASSIONATE MARRIAGE, CHILDREN THE CHALLENGE, HOW TO DISCIPLINE WITH LOVE.

*Once every person in a family learns how to calm anxiety—before emotion balloons into full blown, temper tantrums, exploding over every head that expresses a different point of view—conflicts seem less daunting; consequences provide us with logical solutions based in common sense, and LIFE grows more sane.  Who in their right mind can argue with reasoning as sound as that?  Now that everything I've absorbed over the past forty years is pervasive throughout the media, the time is ripe to actively cast my problem solving plans into the air and see where they land.”

"So, if people with open minds are reading what you've read then what do you plan to write that's not already been written?"

"Wow!  That's a great question, Mom!  First of all, many consequences that emerge from my mind fall in line with my sense of humor.  So, there's a lot more laughing, listening and head scratching while solving conflicts than yelling, crying and slamming doors in our house.  The consequences I've conjured up proved so creative that my kids were never grounded.  Except for once, when they chose to ground each other.  And that proved funny, too.

Secondly, I plan to address this problem:  *Though the human mind yearns for knowledge, which is readily available, few have free time, money or energy to enroll in classes, plough through a library of self-help books and seek out counseling—though all three forms of help may be needed when life gets tough.  Years ago, while raising my family, I taught part time at the college and wrote articles, every other month.  As working part time is not an option for many parents, today, most of the people I meet are too exhausted to go to class or pour over self help books after making dinner, helping with homework, reading bedtime stories, and getting kids tucked into bed—hopefully before ten, each night.  As for grocery shopping, driving car pools from one activity to another, straightening the house, doing errands and laundry, and far too many daily chores to list, well—knowing how exhaustive life can be, today, I figure it this way:  By injecting insights, concerning self awareness, into our family saga, I can weave summaries of wisdom, passed down through the ages, into one story after another.  And perhaps, thoughts of absorbing snippets of wisdom, laced throughout each story line, will seem less tiresome than glancing at self help books, which tend to pile up and go unread, collecting dust on a shelf, thus adding to the daily guilt trip that grows into a giant burden, lumbering around inside our minds, like another unfed monster, biting chunks out of our peace of mind.”

“So, do you hope that while reading insights, tucked into your stories, others will feel motivated to make changes for the better?”

“That's another astute question, Mom.  *In truth, I hope to inspire friends, I've yet to meet, to resuscitate hopes of their own.  *Hope often serves as the last shred of rope that lassos two hearts together.  When the last thread of hope snaps on both sides, both spirits slump, and commonly, all sense of heartfelt connection is severed, at last.  Once the pilot light is extinguished, all hope of rekindling a flame may be lost, forever."

"Wait a minute ... I thought you were suggesting logical methods for dousing fires not kindling flames."

Ha! Good one, Mom.  Guess I'd respond by saying:  There are two sides to everything.  *In fact, I wonder how many people consider the ways in which early life experiences influence certain character traits to exaggerate while other traits repressed.  For example, let’s say that a traumatic experience is intellectually identified.  *If identifying a trauma to the mind is as significant as identifying physical trauma then the state of a person’s well being may depend upon identifying the main source of subconscious pain, which has been shoved under the rug and numbed up, over time.  When physical pain goes unrelieved, illness worsens.  The same is true with emotional pain that remains unresolved.  *Unknowingly, our defense systems compensate for emotional pain in strange ways.  Since unrelieved pain persists behind the mask of the persona, pull the rug out from under a person's persona and watch blame spray all over everyone who's not in denial about that which the person, who's howling in pain, can not openly confront.  *I wonder how many understand that the persona is the mask we wear so as not to see ourselves as we truly are.”

“Well, you know what 'they' say about let sleeping dogs lie.”

“Yes.  However, what if the name of that sleeping dog is Subconscious Pain?  I mean, if we're lying to ourselves about how deeply we feel then we can't help but lie to others, as well.  I mean, what if our trusty defense system rebuilds that persona as fast as it can, thus causing us to look for others to blame for our pain ... ?  How far might the defense system go to stretch the truth into something it is not?  How often doth a really stubborn persona 'kill the messenger' (Whoosh!  Did you catch the spirit of Socrates, flying by?) who holds up a 5X mirror, which shows us to be as flawed as most others—causing our defense systems to reinvent history, repeatedly?

*If I had to pinpoint one of the most important days of my life, I'd choose the day when I consciously committed to making better use of my intelligence by developing deeper levels of emotional maturity for as long as I live.  In short, I set my sights on growing into the person I already believe myself to be. If my plan is to consciously absorb wisdom then my mind must graciously invite humility to welcome constructive criticism.  And in this way, I come to see where my narrow perceptions are in need of expanding toward a more objective perspective.”

“Okay, Annie. Now I'm confused.  I've never thought of your perceptions as narrow.  And, if your mind is open to learning, doesn't that suggest humility? What makes you think it's necessary to develop traits that are already yours?  And what do you mean by 'growing into the person you think yourself to be?  What makes you so interested in learning about how your brain works?” ...

Well ... If everything that takes place inside my brain directs each step of my path then I need to ensure that my think tank takes me where I most want to go ... And I see the combination of positive focus and knowledge as ... self energizing fuel ...

1115 (44) NO! NO! NOT AGAIN! REVISITED 60

44

2002
“Annie, wait—You’re going to write about fate, luck and—Nick?  Who’s Nick?”

Smiling mischievously to quell the anxious feeling, which has mysteriously quickened the beat of my heart,  I answer, “Mom, you know Nick ... Everyone who’s ever experienced a situation in which the day is saved—in the Nick of time—has spent time with Nick.  I’m planning to write about what happens when the powers of timing, good fortune and KNOWLEDGE combine.  For example, the doctor's timely arrival, combined with his knowledge—and the fortunate fact that Lauren's problem was not related to SIDS—saved Lauren's sight.

My stories will emphasize this fact:  *TIMING, LUCK, and KNOWLEDGE can be as vital to the well being of the human condition, as ATTITUDE.  *In fact, knowledge is often the catalyst causing attitude to change.

*As each story unfolds, the reader will see how often negative attitudes lead to negative consequences whereas positively focused attitudes, coupled with readiness to absorb knowledge, reveal insights leading to personal growth. As perceptions expand, viable solutions, which had previously escaped detection, emerge, intuitively, from within."

*If you choose to follow my trains of thought, you may see why our instinct to fight, flee or freeze is hardwired to act first, think later, during desperate times—unless we choose to train our brains to take a spontaneous time out on the spot in order to maintain conscious control over instinctive emotional reactions thus freeing our whole brain to think smart (logically) on the spot.  For example, the doctor had absorbed knowledge, which the firemen had yet to learn.  Upon spying the oxygen mask over Lauren's waxen features, fear (for her sight) propelled the doctor's arm to shoot out, striking the fireman's hand away from my sister's face.  If asked what had saved Lauren’s sight—Fate or Lady Luck—I’d say luck was on my baby sister's side in terms of the doctor arriving with knowledge in the nick of time to save her sight.  On the other hand, the doctor could not have altered Janet’s fate of succumbing to an illness as deadly as SIDS.

Generally speaking, people are so bombarded with information that our need for division of labor causes some to seek knowledge in one area while others absorb knowledge in another.  Eventually, as each grass roots movement moves  knowledge around the world, information, which proves essential to the well being of all, becomes common knowledge.

Luckily, when I was a young woman, a neighbor invited me to a meeting where parents learned innovative communication skills.  Though I was fascinated, drawn in, others, who’d accompanied me, were not.  And so as luck would have it, several of us attended those meetings.  Then as individuals make decisions, which determine each one's fate, I chose to attend those informative meetings for years while others chose to wing it on their own.

As that meeting proved a jumping off point for me,  I've continued to seek, absorb, make sound use of, teach and write about innovative techniques, concerning positive discipline, for more than 40 years, suggesting that much of my time, both personally and professionally, has been devoted to making sound use of listening and speaking skills, necessary to clarity.  And by way of the media, these skills have recently gone viral. More about that later. 

This next train of thought illustrates society's pattern, concerning the widespread acceptance of innovative changes, which contradict mindsets that we'd been taught to adopt when we were kids: * It takes more time, energy and patience to motivate closed minds to open to new ways to think and behave than those with open minds can believe.  As my stories aim to prove that hypothesis true, you'll come to see why I believe it's wise to set a high value on patience, which proves difficult during desperate times.
   

*Desperate times often call for desperate measures—which observers may not understand.  *Commonly, the person who grows toward desperation is the one whose knowledge of a particular situation outweighs that which has been experienced by those who comprise the rest of the group.

As you shall see, those lacking depth in terms of personal experience tend to misjudge and condemn the little, which can be seen on the surface.  If you stop and think about it, most every novel we read attempts to inform the reader of this fact:  Judge not in haste, because you do not yet hold every pertinent fact.  And thus, spurred on by curiosity, we tend to turn the page.  Though hints pile up aplenty, a story teller, who succeeds in offering readers a series of surprising twists, creates a page turner, and I always wonder how fast pages would turn had I chosen to write my story sans philosophy, concerning skillful solution-seeking communications.  Hopefully, one day, an editor will feel intrigued enough to embrace that challenge.  As for me, I feel compelled to write whatever my mind feels in need of releasing.

2014
If you ask:  Annie, why not take on that editing task, yourself?  I'd reply:  The timing's not right for this reason:  You see, it's the communications teacher in me, who inspires the writer to spend hours a day weaving philosophy into story.  Perhaps readiness to switch mind sets will surprise me, one day.

BTW, if you wonder why I write so often about joy, I'd reply with a question of my own:  I wonder how many of you realize that to feel joyful ... or not ... is a choice.  I wonder if you are a creator of joy or a waiter, waiting for others to serve their sense of joy on a silver platter to you.

If you ask me, it's much more fulfilling to nourish the pleasure centers of others than to wait in hopes of being made to feel like the center of attention.  Hey!  I just discovered a silver lining, hidden in the darkly clouded portion of my youth:  The fact that I'd unwittingly offered joy to others in hopes of not being forgotten, myself, became a subconscious habit!  Though that habit was originally catalyzed by defensive fear, the fact that the warmth of my smile had been genuine won genuine smiles in return, suggesting that over time, a personal vulnerability developed, unwittingly, into a deeply valued strength, and here's why that's true:  At a glance it's plain to see that my smile proves true, through and through.  Why?  Because each smile sparkles forth naturally from my eyes, which open windows into my soul.  So if, while walking toward you, you sense my spirit is all aglow, please know full well that the nearness of your presence catalyzes my heart to open to welcome you in with such gladness that once your comfort zone expands, thus freeing you to extend the same warm welcome to me, a surprise a minute waits to hug you close, and here's why that's true:  I've come to know myself as a person, who, in addition to conjuring up simple plans, creating change for the better when conflicts ensue, also offers up a passionate cornucopia, overflowing with a joyful, Happy sense of Dopey corniness, a Bashful sense of vulnerability, a Grumpy sense of feeling 'left out', which thankfully emotes infrequently, because my well-practiced line of control sends Grumpy's defensive reactions directly to time out to think smart ... more about the people, who people my personality, later.  (Uh, wait... One question:  Can you imagine who I've deemed leader of this group of hard working souls, who people my mind and whistle while they work to get a grass roots movement off the the ground?  And as these same folk exist within you, here comes the second most important question to ponder upon, today:  Who, inside of you, is in charge of deciding which of those people to free and which to suppress ... not to be confused with repress?  As to today's most important question ... with patience, my friends, it is sure to appear.  BTW, I had no clue that my smile was so contagious until a treasured friend made me aware of my brightness of being.  I mean, it's not as though I'd not heard a friend ask Will:  Does she ever wear a frown?  It's not as though Barry's best friend calls me Sunshine for nothing.  It's just that I'd not been aware of my smile as a strength, because it impacts upon those I love in such a contagious, positively focused manner.  In short, those I love seem so delighted with my delight in spending time with them that, seemingly, a darkly cloudy period, early in my life, which catalyzed the frequency of my smile to grow so naturally sunny as to sprinkle heartfelt warmth over everyone I love ... and as with everyone else, that which I sow, I reap ...

2002

Once the doctor opened his mouth to explain the reasoning behind his actions, the firemen, respecting his expertise, comprehended the rashness of his fearful reaction.  With understanding, none took offense at the fact that one had been manhandled with 'rudeness' in order to save the day.

*Unfortunately, 'comprehension' does not result when words, hurled in desperation, strike against the sensitivities of those who have wandered so deeply into the brain-maze of emotional defensiveness as to be blind to that which causes heart wrenching words to ring out with harsh truths—at last.

*While conversing with those whose sense of clarity has been detached from certain aspects of reality—a solution seeker is bound to go mad or get mad or both.  *In fact, if both sides remain in denial, as to why a relationship barrels downhill, a cold war, sizzling with tension, is bound to explode into WWIII ... unless one or both people have grown practiced at maintaining a strong line of control.

Having tripped over the mine fields of others in the past, while holding fast to my line of control, I work make my way toward clarity—cautiously and consciously—one step forward at a time.  *And as I know that clarity, self control and self awareness, concerning mindset expansion go hand in hand in hand, my chosen path has become one of self discovery—not to be mistaken for selfish self absorption—as I’ve been told ... by those who unwittingly hold fast to emotional chaos, because that's all they know ...

2014

As a gatherer of knowledge, who chooses the road less taken, the path I choose can feel lonely, from time to time.  On the other hand, heightened levels of listening skills enable me to recognize a mind maze before I get sucked in, and thus, you'll not see me engaging in head-under-pillow sieges or listen to me shout painfully (silently) when my hot spots are poked.  Send me a mixed message, and watch me respond briefly and to the point.  And if you wonder why I choose to sit quietly at peace within myself though sad for those who have no clue as to how often they cook their own goose—repeatedly—you might want to consider today's last insight into deeper truth:

Tis true that choosing the road less taken is not for the faint of heart.

Why?

A whale of courage is necessary to withstand the backlash that makes one feel like an outcast by those, who continue to mistake their defensive blindness for personal strengths ...

BTW, in case you 'd like to know why I consciously choose when to speak and when to remain silent—perhaps you might ponder upon this question until we meet, tomorrow ...

HAVE YOU GOT A CLUE (as to why certain relationships keep barreling downhill)?  OR IS YOUR BRAIN STILL FOOLING YOU as my brain sometimes fools me?

And with that, I'll wish you a joyous day, like the one I'm about to create for myself.
I think the first thing I'll do is freshen my smile and go out and make friends of strangers who cross paths with my own :) :)