Friday, September 2, 2011

254 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR #5

On that tragic Saturday afternoon, in the fall of 1946, my mom had asked my dad to take her grocery shopping.  Dad had been an agreeable, spontaneous kind of guy who’d always been ready to help ‘his Jeannie’ in every way, so I imagine that he’d put down the newspaper and said, “Okay Sugar, let’s go.”
Once my parents had slipped into their coats; Dad would have unlocked and opened our apartment’s front door.  Then, Mom would have bent down to hug and kiss me goodbye.
At that point:  I’ll spin toward my daddy, and with a sunny, expectant smile, I'll reach up while he, bending forward to grab me up by my waist, laughingly swooshes me high over his head.  Flying up toward the ceiling, like a plane soaring high in the sky, I’ll squeal with delight.  Then, upon catching me against the strength of his chest, Daddy will dropped tender kisses on each of my cheeks before gently setting me down.
Once Dad, the spitting image of a young James Cagney, joins Mom on the third floor landing just outside our apartment’s front door, he'll throw me his customary, double tongue-clicking-wink, and with a good natured “See ya later, Dolly,” he’ll close and lock the door.  As you can see, we were a merry trio, indeed.

253 A SERIOUS LIGHT-HEARTED SOUL

So—I keep 'talking' about self awareness.
Why?
Because there's a very serious side to me.
Why?

Not—because a star lit life
Can change on the spin of a dime.
But because in the aftermath of a major change
We're often unaware of how we sabotage ourselves

Common sense suggests that
When we're unaware of self defeating patterns
Which cause us to fail
We'll find someone else to blame

And each time we repeat that self defeating pattern
Of which we're unaware
We'll shoot ourselves in the foot
Again and again

No thank you
I've had quite enough of that
Not just from me
But, in truth, from 'you', too

Since my mind
Is busy
Detecting self defeating patterns
Of my own

I hope you'll understand
My choice to step out of range
Of any who get fired up
Without having a clue as to where to point their guns

I'll not place
Myself
In target range
Anymore

So, if you miss me
Please show respect
For the insights
I've worked long and hard to file away inside my head

PS
There's a
Light-hearted
Giddily silly
Side of me as well

Why?
Because
Why work
So hard to succeed ...

If I fail to allow
Today's joys
To sustain my spirit
When life grows quiet, tomorrow ...

If everyone is dancing forward
While I dance only at weddings
Then I quest to find out if my misery
Is due to a state of mind that shoots me down from within

As balance in all things
Is the rule of thumb
Here are questions
I ask myself when I get down:

What do you need to feel at peace, today?
Are you being the half-cup-full person you see yourself to be?
Or are you in denial of the fact
That that has changed along the way?

Twinkle, twinkle little star
Up above the world so high
Does your spirit need
The whole cup to feel deeply loved?

When we remain unaware
Of how we've changed
We misread a lot
About those we love

Being a half-cup-full person
Does not mean always being 'up'
Half-cup-full people are optimists
Who focus on resolving conflicts, which pop up, repeatedly

When I feel mistreated, misunderstood or forgotten, today
I remind myself that those who love me
Are finding their way
Through life's messy maze, just as I am

And each time
I give myself that pep talk
The spirit of this serious-light-hearted person lifts
Just like that!

Hence:
ABC
It's a life of self discovery
For me!
J




Thursday, September 1, 2011

252 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR #4

Upon arriving home from the hospital, I found that my family lived in an urban setting, several blocks north of a prestigious university. Our two bedroom apartment sat on the top floor of a three-story, massive, brown brick building, which wraps around the corner of a quiet intersection to this very day.
At the time of my birth, ‘white flight’ will not have transformed our lovely, middle-class, culturally mixed neighborhood into the lower income ghetto that it is fated to become. (As everything comes full circle, I’ll find, much to my delight, upon returning to that neighborhood, many years later, that social awareness and urban renewal will have restored a cultural mix to the street where I'd spent my childhood, once again.  At this later date, I’ll learn that our spacious, two bedroom apartment will have been broken up into smaller units where university students eat, sleep, study, and party like hell.)
At the time of our family’s tragedy, my mom's mother, Grandma Ella, lived with Mom and Dad and not quite three-year old me.  Grandma Ella, who’d been raised in a Russian shtetl (a small Jewish ghetto), was a good looking, robust woman who'd mixed music and dancing into her cooking and baking.
         One look at my brown eyed, brunette grandma made it plain to see why she'd deemed herself the ‘gonsa baleboste’ (number one mistress of the house).  Each time her animated spirit flew around the kitchen, pots, pans, and rolling pins came to life.  She was a strong-willed woman, who often spoke before she thought, but I don’t believe my grandma meant to wound anyone she loved.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

251 REGAINING INNER PEACE DURING TIMES OF UNREST

Thank you to those who have shown me how to keep my cool during times of unrest.

Thank you for suggesting that I accept anxiety as a signal to remain alert to what may come.

Thank you for suggesting that I respect resistance as a message from my subconscious to be patient while readiness for comprehension or change is ripening within.

When I make good use of emotional signals, like anxiety and resistance, my train of thought maintains a logical step-by-step approach toward achieving (or altering) heartfelt goals.

Following the after glow of a high, there's a tangible stillness within me.

Following a bout of stress that gets me down, there's a mellowness about me.

Following the aftermath of highs and lows, I luxuriate in restful contemplation of life.

Just as times of unrest can be frightening or sad, others are blissfully exhilarating.

During times of reflection, I choose which experiences to repeat and which not, as the future unfolds.

Upon embracing the wisdom to quiet my mind ...
I've learned to listen when instinct sends a message that requires time spent in solitude to decode.

Upon coming to know myself in depth ...
I explore trains of thought, which enable me to share these mind quieting experiences with you.

250 TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR #3


On December 8, 1943, I slid, head first, into a brightly lit world.  And with one slice through the umbilical cord, my mother and I were free to be uniquely separate individuals.
         Next thing I knew, some guy flipped me upside down and smacked my naked bottom so soundly that I grabbed hold of LIFE with a strong spirited cry.  You’d think that such an indignant beginning would have prepared me for what was to come, but no such luck.  As far as I was concerned, the world was my oyster, and I was the sun, around which the universe would surely revolve.  Needless to say, I had no clue that I was the product of—sexual passion.  Lucky for me, I was the result of love connecting with lust.
As an infant, I’d not yet met my baby cousin, who’d been born in California, so I crowned myself first grandchild on both sides of our family.  As everyone’s dimpled darling, my life felt grand, until two weeks before my third birthday party, when FATE knocked down our apartment’s front door; tragedy struck, and life grew grim.
When tragedy interrupts the natural course of a child’s life, an inexperienced mind may wander into a terribly confounding, emotional maze.  Once lost in this maze, it can take decades to figure out how to reclaim one’s original path.  I mean, we can't 'get over' something until we know what we're trying to recover from—right?
Luckily, my curious mind will set out on this quest after I crash through a wall and find myself wandering through a foreign land, wondering if it’s possible to be true to those I love and be true to myself, simultaneously.  Thank goodness, my quest will guide me toward a path strewn with insights, and as I go forth, 'connecting the dots', I'll find that being true to those I love and being true to myself are one and the same.
With time, I'll learn that the key to maintaining inner peace during conflict does not depend upon pleasing others or pleasing oneself.  The key to maintaining peace of mind during conflict depends upon figuring out which of my perceptions contradict DEEPER TRUTHS, and are, thus, in need of change.  Bottom line:
Perceptions change, but TRUTH IS TRUTH.
Once I began to quest for DEEPER TRUTHS, my sense of self awareness deepened.  And as self awareness deepened, step-by-step, so did peace of mind—even during moments fraught with conflict.  Again—self awareness leads to insight—which leads to change.  And change is a mixed bag.
As one change leads to many more, you'll watch me come upon many forks in the road.  And though I'll take a wrong turn, now and then, my compass will remain set upon my quest until find my way back to that stage of development, where tragedy's dark clouds of fear caused me to misread so many signals that I lost sight of my true path.  Needless to say, I knew none of this on December 8, 1943.
In fact on the day of my birth, I 'knew' nothing at all.  I certainly had no clue that tragedy changes the natural course of a child's development, or that life is a quest—not for happiness but for TRUTH—which offers peace of mind.  And as you shall see:
This trio of TRUTH, INNER PEACE and HAPPINESS are, often, one and the same.
Though we are born knowing nothing, our instincts are fully functioning right from the start.  And while cradled in my parents loving arms, my instincts had a strong inkling that I'd been born under a lucky star ...

Monday, August 29, 2011

249 PULLING PAST RESISTANCE INTO THE STATION

Though
Peace of mind
Comes and goes
Just like
Changes in climate
Inner peace returns
Quickly
When we know ourselves
Deeply

Why
Is that true?
To know oneself
Deeply
Offers insight
Into those times
When it's best to press
Beyond comfort zones or
Not

For example
Had I pushed
To release
This life changing story
Before readiness
Ripened
Anxiety would have provoked
Resistance to
Heighten

By
Respecting resistance
My comfort zone feels
Free
To expand
Little by little
And thus does anxiety minimize
While inner strength
Maximizes

If
Peace of mind
Comes and goes
Just like changes in climate
Then the winds of change
Must blow dark clouds away
Before the sun, shining forth from our spirits
Comes out to play
Again

If
Everything happens for a reason
Then—
There's a reason for every change
And if the change is not to your liking
It's wise to retrace your path
In hopes of learning how to go
From better to worse to–better
Than ever!

Sunday, August 28, 2011

248 NEARING THE STATION WHERE THE STAR AWAITS

What happens when a soul searching experience awakens you to the fact that vital aspects of your life, which had 'seemed' normal, prove unhealthy for your personal sense of well being?

When challenged with change, how conflicted might you feel until you dive in deep enough to figure out that which was too complicated for a child to comprehend?

Would you like to know that each decision you make, today, is based in an acquired strength rather than in a subconscious fear, which unwittingly side tracks your train of thought?

Upon reading an article in Vogue (June 2011, p. 80) I came upon the word proprioception:
"The way you perceive yourself, literally, in space; your equilibrium ..."


"The private joy of feeling precisely right about how ... she's chosen to move through the world."


Aha! I thought.  So this is what I seek when my mind resists a goal :
 I seek a sense of peace concerning which conflict to confront now, which to confront later ...


Here's how that translates to the those times when part of my mind is resistant to writing a story:

Stories, which build intrigue, are many layered.  So I seek a sense of peace concerning which details to reveal now, which to table till later.  Once that decision is made, my mind is stoked with inner strength, and the little engine that could feels free to chug ahead.