BRYCE AND ASHLEY—ANDI AND MIKE

The good news is the fact that over this past holiday weekend, Bryce and his girlfriend of five years, Ashley, rented a car, drove here from CA and stayed in an Airbnb.  Cancer and Covid had separated us for more than a year.

The bad news is that the temperature reached a high hovering around 115 degrees.

The good news is that Bryce and Ashley are young, healthy and too smart to have sweltered in the staggering heat, suggesting their decision not to visit on our covered patio (with fan whirring overhead) until 7pm, at which time we ordered a non contact delivery of Bbq brisket sandwiches, roasted corn and fries.

The bad news is, I found myself overwhelmed by their visit.  Why?  Perhaps because we discussed current events, which I’ve held at bay for many a month as if all the courage I could muster had need to focus solely on numbing the depths of my fear concerning the 7cm size of my tumor as well as the serious nature of the heart/lung surgery, which awaited just beyond many months of chemo, which saw me hospitalized, several times.

The good news is, perhaps, at this stage of my recovery, I’m beginning to identify intellectually with the emotional readiness to reconnect with those aspects of reality that have been scaring most everyone I know out of their wits—for sound reason.

More good news—

Perhaps the focus of my courage is beginning to lean away from numbing my fear of succumbing to cancer toward reconnecting meaningfully with the ills of the world at large, as F’d up as they prove to be.

Thankfully, today’s temp dropped to 89 degrees, stimulating Andi and Mike to enjoy a visit on our patio, later in the afternoon.  And by adding Will, David and myself into the equation, all five of us are eager to enjoy happy hour, together, separated by our Arcadia door.  I say that because Andi led me to believe that she may bring a bottle of wine while my pain meds and I indulge in a Virgin Bloody Mary, and as to the men—I have no clue as to whether they plan to imbibe in this or that as we all lift our glasses and offer a heartfelt toast to the lasting nature of our friendship through thick and thin  ... 🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

HAS REALITY DARKENED MY POSITIVE MINDSET FOR SOUND REASON?

 Until last weekend, my attitude concerning Biden creating change for the better soon after winning the upcoming presidential election was every bit as positively focused as that of most of my friends.  So what happened to darken my personal perception?  I participated in a conversation concerning reality with David and his ‘little brother’, Bryce, in which my limited view of these last three years expanded as seen through their eyes.

Though I continue to believe that, eventually, good will prevail over evil—what seems unlikely to me, now, is that evil will leave The White House peaceably without a fight, being that everything trump says and does continues to prove him as mentally deranged as was true of Hitler and Hossain.

Unfortunately, following trump’s example, close to half of our nation’s population has unhooded in favor of wearing their red hats openly and proudly, whereas, during years past, the KKK had tried but failed to hide the cruelty of their prejudicial attitudes under coned hats and white sheets in hopes of shielding their true identities while participating in shameful acts of despicable hypocrisy.

Though America seemed to be kinder place during my childhood each shocking awareness of reality staring us in the face, today, suggests the importance of our knowing exactly who, how many and where the enemy of brotherhood hangs ‘his’ hat.

Though I hope my current fear of anarchy running wild through our streets on Nov. 4th will prove to be unfounded, David and Bryce (who is now 21) have experienced situations in LA, which prove so much darker than any of my own that during our conversation, my spirit felt an urgent need to strengthen my mindful connection to courage in case their perceptions concerning the immediate aftermath of the coming election holds true.

RELIEF AND HAPPINESS ARE NOT BECESSARILY THE SAME

Every time I send a group email update, my recipients are so happy with my progress toward healing that they assume we share the same feeling when reality concerning our emotional reactions suggests that’s not yet true.  While my family and friends are both relieved AND happy about my progress, pain places my current level of happiness upon a middling rung until my heightened level of physical discomfort has had time to significantly decrease.  And so, rather than feeling frustrated with friends and family who believe I feel as they do, I am happy to offer them reason to feel rejoiceful during this crazy time of trump and Covid, both of which—combined with physical pain—tame my release of happiness though my level of relief at being declared cancer free is high.

SELF MOTIVATED PAIN MANAGEMENT

Starting the day with good news is always a plus—
These last few nights, I’ve made it from 10 pm till 9 am without awakening with need to take any pain meds.  If that pattern continues, I’ll see my recovery as having taken yet another leap of faith toward self-motivated pain management.

Earlier in the week,  we had an appt. scheduled with my oncologist at Mayo.  He, too, had only good news to relate as we discussed results of last week’s PET scan and this week’s MRI.

By the time we left his office, I was processing so many reasons to smile as to fill my mind with little else but positive test results with one exception or maybe two ...
🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

‘THE GOLDEN YEARS’ REFERENCES SENIORS ENJOYING RETIREMENT IN GOOD HEALTH

Hopefully, today will be restful at my end.
Yesterday, Will and I saw Dr. Seetharam, my oncologist at Mayo, who deciphered last week’s PET scan and MRI results as being very positive.  As far as he’s concerned, there’s no need for additional chemotherapy.

I’ll actually be surprised if my Houston oncologist, Dr. Ravi, concurs, as he has made reference, more than once, to microscopic cells that tests may not expose ... As both discs have been sent to him, now we play wait and see what he has in mind after examining post-surgical results for himself.
I have two life long friends who wear themselves out, daily.  One has become a workaholic and the other joins groups and volunteers, non stop.  I believe both—really good people—are running away from free time in which their thought processors may seek out inner truths that their defense systems work over time to deny.

Both exhaust themselves, daily, and one cannot sleep more than three or four hours per night, regardless of which sleep aids are taken.

As for me, knowing their histories, I can encourage change for the better in the workaholic, but that’s not true for the one who cannot sleep, and thank goodness I can tell whose mindset may benefit from hearing my opinion and whose sense of personal safety might unravel on the spot to the point of destroying our friendship if my perception of her inability to rest her mind differs from her own.

My friend, the workaholic, is a social worker, who continues to permit me to be the voice of reason, from time to time, by suggesting that I hope to hear that she’s beginning to reduce her work hours so as to offer her mind time to relax most especially since these next few months are bound to create even more tension in her clients, which is likely to be absorbed by her caring heart since her fears (and mine) mirror theirs during this trying time of an unmasked trump, the election, Covid and online schooling.

Both of my friends and I have reached the age where taking care of our families and ourselves is of primary concern, and so, the decision to conserve energy makes sense during these years in which you and your partner are still enjoying good health, suggesting both of you to be amongst those who are so fortunate as to extend your ‘golden years’ into your eighties and beyond.

Bottom line, I believe that the conservation of energy, at our age, is worthy of treating with respect.

My friend knows that if she’d like me to put my soapbox away, all she needs do is to say the word.  Though my mind is focused on planting seeds in hopes of encouraging change for the better, I’m not looking to hassle anyone before readiness speaks to each of us from deep within.🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

BEGINNING EACH DAY WITH A SMILE IS MY CHOICE

Regardless of my awakening to pain, I’ve decided to start every day with a positive attitude by reminding myself that in addition to the huge personal miracle that took place in Houston, I fully appreciate the fact that with Will and David literally by my side while all of you have virtually been with us, I have been blessed more than is true of most who have had need of life saving surgery.

The fact that positive focus has shaped my thinking patterns since my sons were small boys suggests that I, like all human beings, am a creature of habit.

“The soul grows into lovely habits as easily as into ugly ones, and the moment a life begins to blossom into beautiful words and deeds, that moment a new standard of conduct is established, and your eager neighbors look to you for a continuous manifestation of the good cheer, the sympathy, the ready wit, the comradeship, or the inspiration, you once showed yourself capable of. Bear figs for a season or two, and the world outside the orchard is very unwilling you should bear thistles.”
—Excerpt from Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm by Kate Douglas Wiggin

The fact is that, one day, I’ll awaken pain free with energy to spare suggesting that before too long, the rest of my life will stretch out before me in a nation led by Biden and Harris (and Jill Biden makes three capable leaders), all of whom will surround themselves with smart-hearted staff, meaning that we ‘The People’ can depend upon a braintrust that will create heartfelt changes for the betterment of every person of every age, and with so much to look forward to, I aim to keep my mental concentration focused on the positive, beginning right after I take a pain pill, which I’m attempting to space five hours apart instead of four.
🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

PS
Once Family and Friends hear that a full head of hair is covering my scalp, they ask me to send a photo, so that makes me think that you might like to see the kind of growth, which seems to be taking place so fast that Will insists he can see a difference in length, every day🙂

My head is bent toward one side to offer a view of the varieties of hues that warm my scalp.

As to lashes and brows, they’re in no hurry to thicken, so whenever eyebrows seem appropriate, out comes my trusty eyebrow pencil, and if you ask me, I’d say that the brows seen drawn on my face are not yet even close to the ones that had once grown naturally by themselves ...

LAST NIGHT, MY PATIENCE CAME CLOSE TO COLLAPSING

This morning, let’s cut to the chase—
Last night’s MRI was overwhelming.

If my veins had cooperated that would not have been the case, but they’d been poked so many times in the hospital that it took 45 minutes and the use of an ultrasound machine to finally find one that didn’t collapse when the IV needle was inserted (yesterday’s MRI of my sternum and rib cage required contrast).

Though the MRI was scheduled for 6pm, by the time a vein near my wrist cooperated, I’d been sitting in an upright position for so long that most of my patience with discomfort was spent, and by the time I’d been readied for the MRI, tears rolled down my face as if releasing inner tension, which had been suppressed, was necessary before I could muster any reserves of patience, again.

Generally, I can manifest a sense of inner calm while the MRI machine is clattering away; however that proved very difficult, yesterday.  Although I’d managed not to move during the 45 minutes that images were being recorded, I was emotionally and physically exhausted by the time the MRI had been completed.  Upon arriving home at 9:15, my energy, having been utterly depleted, felt as collapsed as had been true of my veins.

Hopefully, today will offer up nothing more than peace and quiet.  Last night, I’d felt so fragile that I’d feared my pain level would be elevated, today; however, thankfully, that did not happen.

Last night marked the fourth time in a row that I’ve slept straight through without awakening in need of pain meds until about 7am.

Ever since July, I’ve been asking—is it September yet?  And today, each time that question slips out of my mouth, my smile appears, because I’m finally answered with a resounding—Yes! 🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

PS
Time for a retraction
I’d believed my pain level had not elevated, over night
However, that belief was stated before leaving my bed, this morning
Upon standing up to attend to my morning routine
Only half of it was done before my need to lie down felt profound
Generally, three hours after taking pain meds, I’m pretty much pain free
As that proved untrue as soon as I’d left my bed
There’s no doubt that I’ll be paying the piper for
Last night’s suppression of tension, today
When Will suggested an Ativan, I agreed and chose to
Lie back down and wait until ‘it does it’s thing’.