I've been saving myself from losing my mind while ill, today, by trying to edit an older post in my blog. On the other hand, while working to edit this post something about the editing process is causing me to lose my mind. You see, no matter what I've done, the old version ends up being saved, again and again. In hopes of updating post 546 to match thoughts that make better sense to me, today, I've been cutting and pasting the original post, repeatedly. And as I've just finished editing it for the umpteenth time and am about to direct my mouse to click on 'publish', yet again, please wish me luck, because, I think my most recent thoughts have been saved ... but for some inexplicable reason, I still can't regulate the font! As feeling ill has shortened my line on patience, I'd best accept this fact: Regulating my thoughts is more important than taxing my patience by continuing to work at adjusting the font, which is beginning to feel like spending too much time perfecting the small stuff in life—know what I mean? So now that my awareness has accepted the fact that today's post has a stubborn streak of its own, let's ignore inexplicable font irregularities in favor of considering this next train of thought with which I chose to occupy my mind and time, today :)
Upon reflecting over post 546 PREQUEL TO HIGH SCHOOL, what did Annie learn after her defense system pummeled Joseph's fumbling preteen passion? Unfortunately, nothing. Not one lesson, concerning love, life or human vulnerability came clear for many a year ...
If asked, today, what did Annie need to learn back then, I'd reply, she had need to learn lessons that do not come clear until we muster the courage to choose a path where childish defense mechanisms can not block us from expanding our minds in hopes of maturing into self aware adults ...
Annie needed to learn about dark spots inside her mind where she'd kept secrets from herself, concerning experiences too scary to remember with accuracy.
Annie needed to learn how often these haunting secrets arose like specters pummeling her self worth.
Annie needed to experience a series of open sesame moments where insight into narrow mindsets offered a clear view of experiences that had blocked her from being true to herself for decades.
Annie needed to identify reasons why undeserved guilt had shaped her into such a selfless creature as to set the needs of everyone else above her own.
Annie needed to learn that denial and defensiveness are indivisible. Get a clear view of one and the other appears just like magic. Get a clear view of both and suddenly, the maze of your mind spies a fork in the road, where a new path offers experiences in which distorted visions of self perceptions straighten out, leading you toward discovering unmet needs, languishing within your core, which may have been sensed but not identified ... And once awareness breathes life into these needs, never again can they be dismissed or denied.
Need I remind you that at twelve years old, Joseph and Annie did not know that love in its purest form is less about being appreciated and more about enhancing your appreciation of the positive side of life?
Being twelve years old, Annie and Joseph had not developed the emotional maturity to comprehend that love, in its purest form, creates an active state of compassionate forgiveness.
In the absence of emotional maturity, neither Annie nor Joseph could actively rein in their defensive reactions. Rather than wearing sadness, offering forgiveness on our faces, we clung to shields and hid behind defensive masks. As we were not true to the depth of emotion, hidden from view, we could not expose the depths of our devotion to ourselves, much to less to each other.
Before a person can be true to another, one must muster the courage to confront the depth of turbulence rumbling deep within. At twelve, I could not reveal the truth of my emotion for Joseph without expressing the depths of unexplored connection, which had arisen, as though on its own, between us. Why Joseph? Why not another good looking, high spirited boy in our class? Since biblical times, scribes have been trying to describe the magnetic powers of this sixth sense, commonly known as 'chemistry'?
At twelve, we had no clue that a sixth sense had created a sense of safety that allowed us to lower our defenses ... at first. At twelve, we had no clue that being appreciated is a passive state, whereas developing an awareness of accepting each other's vulnerabilities challenges an active mind to conjure up positively focused reactions.
At twelve, we had no clue that a person who responds to a negative situation with a hopeful attitude is one who demonstrates a conscious awareness of self control based in a strong sense of emotional maturity. That one's level of emotional maturity is based in self esteem.
*If attitude is everything then emotional maturity (self discipline) acts as the hub of a well oiled mind. Another way to say well oiled is—well balanced. Organized.
A well organized mind does not resemble a junk drawer.
A well organized mind compartmentalizes lessons learned, so that yesterday's lessons do not confuse today's issues, which tend to grow complicated, over time.
A simple example of simplifying complex layers of self control?
When my kids were young I limited (controlled) their intake of cokes at parties.
When my kids were teens, I hoped they'd choose coke more often than beer.
If you think me naive ... I agree :)
On the other hand, I also recognized each teen ager's need to experience lessons in maturing toward self control, just as I did.
Today, I figure out how to live up to my values without awarding myself a halo of sainthood.
Today, I continue to consciously evaluate choices that life offers me in hopes of living within a set of limits that allow my needs to breathe as naturally and freely as a responsible ... yet vulnerable ... human being can do—without sprouting wings. Though the path I choose to walk may be surprising to some, my mind remains grounded in values that allow my heart to relax and enjoy life by day while, as a whole, I sleep soundly—most nights.
When a situation presents me with a puzzle, I work to figure out how this piece compliments my life as a whole.
If asked to name traits, which act as spokes, attached to this hub of a well organized mind, I'd reply:
Courage to seek clarity when confusion erupts
Humility to see painful truths as they exist
Compassion for the plight of those whose needs conflict with my own
Creative solution seeking techniques that inject humor into each stage of life
Generosity of spirit, which extends forgiveness toward those who cannot muster the courage necessary to expose vulnerabilities in need of strengthening within
Hmmm—six traits—sixth sense—wonder if that spells out connection circling round???
I believe the need to feel appreciated creates tension.
I believe tension, due to feeling unloved, blocks us from loving generously. Once we concentrate on loving rather than on being loved, fear of not being loved enough diminishes. And now that you know why I choose to love wholeheartedly, let me admit to this awareness as well ...
This attitude that I've chosen to adopt of loving whole/heartedly rather than than defensively is not easy!!!! Loving whole heartedly is not passive. This is an active exercise I choose for my mind—every day. And there's lots of up sides! In fact ...
My choice to love openly, mindfully, whole heartedly is the main stay of my spirit. :)
And by now, clarity surmises that the strong hearted nature of my spirit is directly connected to the positive side of my mind. :)
If a person hopes to achieve an uncommon level of loving—openly, courageously, mindfully and wholesomely—meaning with a greater sense of purity (not to be confused with a stubborn streak of sainthood) then that person's thought processor (Neo cortex) must gain control over the reptilian, reactive portion of the brain (the amygdala), where ego, fearful memories and negative attitudes reign supreme.
To love generously one consciously chooses to think generous thoughts ...
To think generously one chooses to feel well nourished
To feel generously nourished one's attitude focuses on the positive
To focus on life's positives one offers others, who may love deeply but defensively, the benefit of the doubt ...
We say attitude is everything for this reason:
Attitude shapes what we feel, think, say and choose to do
Want to change some aspect of your life, which has stalled?
Guess what may be in need of change most of all?
Gosh!
You have no clue how long I've been waiting for a vehicle (story line) to pop out of my mind in hopes of expressing the fact that both sides of human nature vie for space inside every mind—many times every day!
Though this next line, found within a fortune cookie, turned up in a previous post, I believe this thought stands repeating—btw this fortune is taped to my computer:
The desire of love is to give; the desire of lust is to get
It takes more courage to love others openly and honestly than to satisfy desire whenever lust raises its head—and speaking from experience—truer words were never spoken ...
If I could find Joseph, today, I'd apologize for pummeling his fumbling lunge-grab-kiss during our first shared experience of preteen passion.
Standing before Joseph, I'd openly admit to my quest to learn why his lunge-grab-kiss scared me enough to beat the poor guy all around his unsuspecting head. Tried to google him. No luck. No show at any reunion since high school graduation. Can't remember his even being at graduation. Remember him wounded in Viet Nam. Saw him on crutches. Encountered a strange conversation with his mom. That story to come. When it pours out of my memory bank, naturally. Some day. For some reason that I can't fathom, today.
As for now ... in addition to my making a conscious effort not to knock anyone else around who may care for me, deeply but defensively, I focus on figuring out why the sudden lunge of a preteen boy scared me so thoroughly as to have made me miss the affection inherent in his impassioned reaction to my answer—yes, I'll go to the party with you—yes, I'll long to run out to meet you and walk with you whenever I can—yes—I'll miss you, forever, because feeling as close to you as I did when I was twelve felt more natural to me that I can describe ... and yes—decades later, I'm still trying to piece together the emotional complexity that caused my defense system to strike out, hurtfully, instead of simply and naturally kissing you back ...
If life's connective mysteries are in need of sleuths, eager to seek clues that make sense of what on the surface seems like nonsense, I am one of those sleuths. Why? Because generally speaking ...
I believe today's emotional mysteries are based in past experiences, which may seem unrelated but, in truth, are interconnected, and that is why I faithfully remain ...
Your detective friend,
:) Annie
PS If you still see my attitude as naive ...
Some how naiveté works wonders for my spirit ...
Especially when I'm not well and instead of feeling ill or lonely ...
My mind is working to dig itself out of a dark spot
By searching for a bright insight
That may lighten my spirit and warm my heart
While my immune system is figuring out
How to rid my body of a stubborn bug
That's causing me feel ill or lonely, deep inside ...
I mean, if I have to be alone with myself for days on end
I may as well be with someone who is actively behaving
Like Annie's positively focused friend :)
PSS
Today, body must be in the process of healing, itself
Why?
Yesterday brain too foggy to entertained me with this kind of thinking
BTW
Draft written in Veranda; let's click on publish; see if blog virus is gone :)
