43 END BULLY FOR ME: PART 1

By Jove!  I think I've got it!
I'm relieved to tell you that an Aha! moment awakened me at 5AM.
As you know, I've been struggling to quell the humiliation that branded me 'outcast' during this MOST embarrassing moment of my youth.


It's not as though I'd never told the end of this story before.  I've opened that dungeon, many times.  However, I'd told the story dispassionately—as though the main character had been anyone but me.


For the longest time I could not understand why baring the end of this story felt safe while leading seminars, whereas exposing this moment to you felt like sitting myself in the hot seat where an expressionless jury might decree the depth of Miss Piggy's humiliation as 'no biggy'.


Need I add that:
Experiences during preteen development influence future relationships with the opposite sex ...


If you were to ask:  Well, Annie, why could you sit in the hot seat 'in person' but not in your blog?  I'd answer in all humility: I'm practiced at public speaking.  I can feel when my listeners are rallying round with safety nets, befriending and supporting me on wave lengths, pulsing with positive energy.  When the heart of my audience beats in time with mine, I feel free to leap toward trust orny of mutual respect.


On the other hand, while writing this blog, I need to pump up that rising crest of self trust by myself, within myself.  For days I focused on strengthening this positively-charged mental wave. That's not to say I sat down, closed my eyes and did mental yoga for hours. It means that while going about my day, I consciously, patiently steadied my mind until a sense of self confident readiness permeated my spirit.  Upon awakening today, I felt ready to expel that horrendous memory from my mind—without inflaming embers of residual pain, which had seared my self esteem when bullying had clamored so cruelly that the bus driver couldn't stand those mean-minded kids branding me outcast anymore than I could—So here it comes—that detail, which felt too excruciating to post, catalyzing my decision to never sit on that bus, spirit squished between two sweaty, pre-teenaged, insensitive males, ever again ...


In utter outrage the bus driver slams his fist against the steering wheel and busting through the harangue with a hugely shocking—GODDAMNIT!—that steering wheel spins so sharply that every brain aboard is unnerved ...


As the bus swerves dangerously against the curb, the driver slams on the brakes, switches off the ignition, leaps out of his seat, and spins around to face a busload of children, gripthey their bench seats for dear life.


At first, the raucous mob is stunned to see the face of authority, splotched purple with fury, looming overhead. Then, the piercing nature of authority's steely glare—shooting bullets, straight into their slicked down, Brill Creamed, pre-teen heads - holds every mind rapt.

During this electrifying stare down, tension is taut, as every brain snaps to attention, like troops trapped behind enemy lines, awaiting orders to retreat in defeat or defend themselves to a man.  Though this solid state of suspended apprehension lasts mere seconds, the memory of what shatters this pregnant pause sends chills down my spine to this day.

Empowered by righteous indignation, these words roar out of authority's furious throat—

MY GOD!  SHUT UP!  SHUT UP!  WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, KIDS?  FOR GOD SAKE—LEAVE HER ALONE!  SOME DAY, EVERY ONE OF YOU JERKS IS GOING TO BEG THIS GIRL FOR A DATE!


Upon looking back, it's obvious that my friend meant well. 
Unfortunately, this scene does not end well.
In fact, as shock subsides and comprehension hits—all hell breaks loose, and as the voice of authority is drowned out by a busload of hysteria, bedlam reigns supreme ...  

42 STOKING MY MIND WITH CLARITY

The self assured brain
Is best put to use
As a many faceted tool.


Working as a shovel
The self assured brain
Digs into the past, mining for gold


Working as a sponge
The self assured brain
Soaks up a wealth of knowledge


Working as a sifter
The self assured brain
Separates pertinent memories from goulash


Upon shoveling, soaking and sifting, self assured brains
Reorganize mass confusion
Into moments lit with bright bursts of clarity


When memories are neatly filed ...
By jove! I think I've got it!
May be relied upon to save the day!


On the other hand—


What takes place
When a self assured brain fails
Thus plunging into fearsome despair?


When fear runs the show
Self assuredness gets to feeling rusty, crusty
Stuck in the muck


Once fear
Whirls out of control
The brain resembles a mixmaster


At this point
The ego flings the sting of unhealed wounds
Into the mix


And as the head fills
With bitter herbs
Confusion stirs up all over again!


As no man is an island
I welcome spongy clarity seekers
To join me on Walden Pond


No more taxing my brain
Pushing boulders
Up hill


As to why
All of this keeps pouring
Out of my mind?


Well, the longer we're constipated
With subconscious pain
The 'harder' it is to eliminate, my dear ;-)


Knowing this to be true
I've been working to muster the courage
To expunge this dark spot of pain once and for all


And as I feel
All of me
Lightening up


I believe
The end of Bully for Me—and thus
Clarity—may be ready to bounce out of my brain on its own


Needless to say
Flying free of that fearsome pain
Will be quite a load off my mind!


Wish me luck!
:-) 

41 MY TAKE ON TOWER DWELLERS VS. TUNNEL CRAWLERS

If you've ever wondered how tower dwellers differ from tunnel crawlers, then this is your lucky day.  Let's take tunnel crawlers (not to be confused with tunnel vision), first.  :-)

Common sense suggests that when you find yourself in a tunnel, gathering clues in the dark, it's wise to search for a glimmer of insight, signaling the end of confusion ahead.  With time and patience, a hard working tunneler may see glimmers of light come together until a beam of light, highlights this sign:  AHA! MOMENT STRAIGHT AHEAD.   At this point, the twists and turns, which make up this dark maze, straighten out, and low and behold, the tunnel expands and the door to understanding appears!  Though experiencing a state of exhaustion, the tunneler can finally stand up, straight and tall.  And having hungered for clarity, the mind eagerly devours a smorgasbord of logic.  Tunnel crawlers tend to be bookish.

Being human, I've spent time in tunnels and towers, as well.  When envisioning tower dwellers, imagine an ego, wearing blinders, while climbing, precariously, to the top of a pedestal.

Next picture this:  A safety net, grounded in reality and held secure by many loving hearts encircles each pedestal.  However, no matter how care-fully these hearts coax the tower dweller to take a leap of faith—from the past to the present—encouraging pleas fall on deaf ears filled with expectations, left over from yesteryear.

As long as tower dwellers do not know that they've fallen under DENIAL's spell of self imprisonment, the blame game will pick up steam.  Whereas steamy brains wear blinders, and thus can't see the light, spongy brains, wearing miners' hats, shine beams of insights, here and there, in hopes of tunneling toward conflict resolution by soaking up clues—and that's why spongy brains tend to solve today's mysteries, tomorrow.


In short, it stands to reason that tunnelers and tower dwellers stand too far apart to hear each other with anything resembling clarity.  And that's especially true when shouting echos through the chasm between them.  

It stands to reason that a break down in communications requires each person to cast off the ego's protective shield.  Unfortunately, this is easier said than done, because naked egos find countless ways to cover up rather than 'fessing' up to messing up.  Knowing that to be true, I make it my business to place my ego behind my line of self control, so humiliation will not steam up my mind and pound through my blood until I can't think.  And thus rather than turning purple with embarrassment after acknowledging to messing up, the logical side of my mind is able to focus upon listening up with humility intact.


If tunnel crawlers and tower dwellers are to meet halfway, then both would be wise to recognize that the 'dark side' of human nature exists within us all.  As courage precedes humility and humility precedes honesty—my lips tend to zip when pretense suggests that all is well—when I know full well that a power struggle, hiding in a well, is waiting to flood over everyone's best intentions, and drown us all.  Please ... haven't you had more than enough of that!


If it's true that the higher we climb the farther we fall then towerers are charged with taking a downward plunge and tunnelers must come up for air.  And as life is like a trampoline, whereby we all bounce up and down, know you know why I believe that mind that tunnels forth, sponging up insights is a healthy mind. 

I remember one time when my parents were in their late eighties, and my mom was bouncing new ideas off my dad's head.  When our beloved patriarch voiced his frustration by declaring, "I'm too old to change!" here was our beloved matriarch's spunky reply:

"Well, you may be too old to change, but I'm not dead, yet!"

Way to go, Mom!

When Dad asked for my opinion, I smiled, hugged my loving father close, and gently said:  I think Mom has been influenced by the younger generation—namely—Lauren and me.  Though Dad took pride in the independent nature of his daughters' minds, his perspective had narrowed when progressive ideas hit too close to home.  :-)  I remember Dad's sigh when he said:  Where's my Jeannie?  I just don't know her anymore.  I remember replying:  She's standing right in front of you, Dad.  And the fact that Mom's taking personal leaps toward self respect doesn't mean she loves you less.  She's just learning to value her needs and her thoughts more than before.

The unnerving discomfort, felt by both of my parents, was due to change.

It's scary for tower dwellers to remove their blinders and clear fear of conflict from their ears, because no one wants to see or hear the narrow limitations of one's own scope.  Had our patriarch become aware of the bigger picture in terms of personal growth, I believe he'd have taken that leap of faith, which would have saved him from feeling offended by changes, which Mom had felt an inner need to make.  In short, I believe that with time, clarity would have melted defensiveness away, and Dad's sense of pride in his wife's spunk would have shone bright.  Thank goodness the strength of their love saw fit to forgive each other for words that stung at times when steamy emotion ran so high that common sense melted down.


If I take the liberty to paraphrase Mom's attitude of thriving over surviving, here's what I believe she'd say:  Life challenges people of all ages and both genders with countless opportunities to embrace self-empowering leaps of faith toward personal growth.


More about Mom and Dad playing leap frog with societal change in stories down the road.

In addition to showering our family with love, Dad showed his children how to adventure past specific fears.  In addition to showering our family with love, Mom modeled how to fly free of constraint on humility's wings.

Lucky Lauren.  Lucky me.

And that's the truth.

So if Mom and Dad had been a love match, and if Dad's spirit had matched Mom's, and if both had been known to be 'younger than springtime', then why did the rooster take offense when his favorite chick felt the need to test new wings?  Well first of all—Tradition!  The Papa!  Secondly, glass ceilings are invisible, everywhere.  Thirdly, during times of conflict, every Good man and every Good woman takes turns being: tunnel crawlers—tower dwellers—safety nets—and rebels.

With time, you'll see many sides of my parents.  And I believe you'll enjoy what you see.  All in all, tower dwellers, tunnel crawlers, safety nets and rebels make up a fine lot.  If asked to describe tower dwellers, tunnel crawlers, safety nets and rebels in one word, my choice would be: 

FAMILY
And you can bet your sweet bippy on that!  ;-)

40 AFTER OUTING THE BULLY WHAT NOW?

Unable to tunnel, today
Emotion running surprisingly high
Ding Dong Bin Laden is dead

Yet so much work lies ahead

Thoughts of 9/11
Cloud my mind


My Dad had died in the weeks before—
Not in the tower
Of natural causes—suddenly
At the ripe age of 87 in Mom's loving arms
Soon after we'd all gathered, together, to lay Dad to rest
Mom flew to be embraced where family numbers were greatest


Longing to be with her
Our family planned to fly out on 9/12
Man plans but God did not laugh


NO ONE laughed or flew on 9/12/2001
Fear of bullies terrorized the skies.
Fear of bullies terrorized our minds

Bullies must be outed from compounds, caves—and minds

Before fear of flying recedes ...
And planes soar once more—
Through blue skies—filled with minds at peace
So—who amongst us shall work to inject children round the world
With inner strengths and communication skills?


How shall we promote peaceful solidarity throughout the world
How shall we link home after home around the globe?
As Effective Communications is ours for the taking ...
Answers to questions which cause tears, today
May arise from within minds, seeking peace, tomorrow
Thank goodness, tomorrow is only a day away

39 GET A CLUE!

When yesterday's trouble
Clouds clarity today
That's my first clue
Of this fact:
I have mind-bending work to do
And baggage to unpack
Before peace of mind returns—for a while.


When next we meet
I'll give you the low down
On how the defensive lookout
In the tower of my mind
Plays tricks on the detective
Who tunnels toward my subconscious
In hopes of striking gold in the dark.  :-)

38 FOURTEEN!

Two planets, fourteen countries, after all!
Bidding welcome to Germany!
:-)

37 MARS! 37

WHOOPS!
Not fourteen countries
Thirteen countries
And one new planet
Venus

As hope springs eternal
I hope to land on Mars
So my blog concerning effective communications
May be taken to heart by inhabitants
Of both planets
:-)