HAVING REGAINED MY SENSE OF CLARITY

 So what, you might ask, were the conflicting thoughts that kept backing up into each other so as to create a jumble of words inside my mind, making it impossible for me to separate and clarify the emotional reactions that ran interference with my futile attempts to write anything that made sense, over these past few days?

Well, first of all, you’d think I’d be elated to hear that no new tumors have developed anywhere within my body, during these last three months, suggesting that the oral chemo that I’ve been taking, every day, must be working up to snuff..

Although I’d felt exceptionally relieved upon receiving my test results, I was surprised to find that I’d actually felt kind of flat until I’d had time to process that jumble of reactions which had filled my mind with emotional confusion.

As one of my defense mechanisms is denial, I’d made use of denial to keep my spirit afloat during the weeks leading up to my current PET scan and chest CT.  After all, results of prior tests revealed a tumor in my flank followed by another tumor in my neck, so realistically (rather than pessimistically) I’d felt threatened by the probability of yet another tumor unless the chemo had proved successful.  So rather than feeling delighted at being tumor-free. I’d had to release feelings of apprehension, which had been deeply repressed.

We received the good news of my being tumor free on Friday, and on Saturday, David drove here from LA.  Then, before we blinked twice, it was Sunday, and my sister, Sharon, her husband, Mickey and their son, Matt along with his wife, Melissa and their adorable, active pair of sons, Josh (8) and Jordan (5) flew in from the Midwest.  As they’d landed on the first night of Chanukah, a party was planned for that evening.  And if all of that was not enough to set off several emotional reactions, simultaneously, I awoke on Monday to receive a call from the office of my Moh’s specialist suggesting he had a cancellation for Wednesday (yesterday), and so I hope you can see why my brain has been handling too much overload to write what I’ve been feeling in such a way as to convey a sense of clarity to you.

If you’d like to ask—why say yes to Moh’s surgery while your sister’s family is in town, my brain, which is in need of a rest before enjoying my family a bit later, today, is suggesting that my perfectly logical reply must wait until next we meet.

🙋🏻‍♀️🍀Annie