As we ring in the New Year
I can think of the last three years of my life as an on-going struggle to survive
Or
I can think of the last three years of my life as a blessing, because I am well loved and alive.
Guess which mindset offers my spirit sound reason to thrive?
Wishing you and yours a happy and healthy 2023!
This blog of mine has changed direction concerning content so often that I’ve come to think of it as mirroring whatever is happening in my life on any given day.
At first, I’d thought to write about how best to save a marriage (mine) which had grown complacent, over the years. And penning a series of posts that fleshes in this highly personal story remains uppermost in my mind to this very day.
Next thing I knew, my mind had shifted into reverse, and compelling snapshots of my childhood graced post after post. At that point in time, I saw my blog as a vehicle, which, populated with insights, would offer up workable solutions to life’s classic problems, and thus would I flesh in my saga of family life.
At times, I found myself penning conversations that my power of intuitive imagination engaged in with the spirits of sages throughout the ages.
And I’m sure you caught me pontificating from time to time.
When my precious mother died at the age of one hundred, I assuaged my grief by posting stories about my grandparents’sojourn to America from Russia and Poland as well as penning stories about my Mom and Dad from their earliest years until they’d met, fallen in love, married and happily found themselves loving parents at the moment of my birth.
As some of my stories concerning my childhood were very hard to write, my intuition, in cahoots with my subconscious, grabbed hold of my brain, and my fingers flew around the keyboard as though all on their own. In short, the conscious portion of my brain had no clue of whatever I’d felt inner need to expose until my intuition had need of taking a break, offering my processor’s sense of conscious thought time to read over that which had just been penned.
In other words, I learned lots about my past as details, which had been buried within a mental block, began to surface, making sense of conflicting perceptions that I’d ‘felt’ (rather than ‘known’) about myself as well as about those I love and an loved in return. And each time insights pieced puzzling situations together, a bigger picture concerning my contradicting character traits, which had created my whole, began to make sense.
Some of my most worthy posts shared insights into how I’d encouraged lasting friendships to form with my three sons by raising and disciplining each one with equal portions of love, logic, trust, self respect, humor and a whale of patience. In short, my sons had no doubts about the value system that created the lasting foundation of our mutually respectful family bonds
And if memory serves me, I think several posts referenced raising siblings who’d learned to transform natural rivalries into becoming each other’s best friends during the eighteen years that each one had spent growing up neath the flexible wing of a mom who’d placed a high value upon family meetings whence everyone shared that which made them feel uniquely valued as individuals while we discussed the concept of change as being the only constant in life. And based in the fact that each of my sons felt seen and heard and loved and thus, emotionally safe to expose his vulnerabilities, mine was the ear that my sons chose to seek out whenever life felt confusing, disappointing or fearsome. And so, you can see why I continue to feel need to pen many more stories as our family saga continues to unfold.
Then once cancer invaded my body, my storyteller retreated from center stage, and though survival grabbed hold of my mind, my spirit remains determined to thrive to this very day …
And in terms of what my power of intuitive thought felt need to say as 2022 winds down, that’s a wrap for today—
Day by day, exhaustion continues to give way to my new-normal low level of energy. Yesterday, after having my stitches removed, my three hour nap saw me awaken with my mental capacity feeling less drained than had been true over these past several days.
We’ll celebrate a belated Chanukah once Ravi tests negative for covid.
Today’s rainy day in the desert (with snowfall piling up, up north) is certainly tolerable when compared with the onslaught of ice and snow that’s been experienced across the nation.
Over these past several days, David’s brain has latched onto a plot for a full length feature film, and as his creative instinct believes this brainstorm can become a box office hit, most of his waking hours have been spent drawing up a first draft.
From my bedroom, I can hear David whistling in the kitchen, and the natural buoyancy of our youngest son’s spirited belief in his writing skills deepens my heartfelt sense of peace of mind as this rainy day, though coloring everything outside my window gray, does not feel gloomy in any way.
Seriously, how can I feel gloomy when an occasion for a candid photo shot, like the one below, occurs with such frequency as to fill our days with heartfelt smiles each time our family chooses to enjoy each other’s company. And though the sandman snuck up and sprinkled sleeping dust over Ravi’s active young mind, she continued to snuggle as close to her beloved Uncle David past the time when her lowered lashes and peaceful breathing indicated that all hope of remaining awake during her last sleepover (until the next one is planned) was nil …
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
Though I’d had plenty of emotional reactions to discuss, I’d had need to cancel my zoom appointment with Gary, my psychologist, today.
This morning, my stitches from last week’s Moh’s surgery were removed, and as my state of exhaustion has hardly had time to lessen, I, upon returning home, felt need to nap. Much to my surprise, my nap lasted three hours, and upon awakening, I’d felt enough irritation to take Tylenol Extra Strength for the disconfort I’d felt between my nose and upper lip, which is where the Moh’s surgery had been in need of a flap to assure that the features of my face were not in any way displaced. Not until I’d awakened did it occur to me that being quiet so as to keep the recovering area still would be best for me.
As I’d not awakened until 1:40 pm (my zoom appointment was to begin at 2pm), a text was dashed off to Gary explaining why the cancellation of our appointment had been last minute, and having apologized, I asked to reschedule. Needless to say, Gary’s gracious response was deeply appreciated. And that’s all I feel need to say for today.
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
There are times when life’s disappointments feel too magnified to numb behind layers of denial, and that’s especially true when we’re enveloped within a sense of exhaustion too heavy to shrug off for even one more day.
As I’d been shouldering both disappointment and exhaustion for more than a week, I’d felt unable to withstand the sadness that had thoroughly soaked through every inch of me on the day of my sister’s family’s departure from the desert as my family headed toward their icy homecoming upon landing in the Midwest. Once again, we experienced how the existence of Covid had thwarted our heartfelt plan to watch Ravi bond with her adorable cousins, Joshua and Jordan, my sister Sharon’s eight and five year old grandsons while all of us celebrated the eight days of Chanukah.
Once Steven had caught covid, he, Celina and Ravi had to quarantine, and since he’d tested positive on the day of my family’s arrival, that meant we’d not be able to be together until he’d tested negative. By that time, Celina and Ravi had tested positive, and so for the duration of my sister’s stay, our family had been able to enjoy Steven’s company once but Celina’s and Ravi’s not at all.
As to my unhappiness, today, here’s why I believe that my current reaction will be short-lived: I believe my inability to control the health of my family reflected my inability to regain control over my own health, and at least a portion of the sadness I feel, today, dives into the sadness that I’ve held at bay for the most part, over these past three years.
In addition to having so much youthful energy bouncing happily off the walls, the fact that I had Moh’s surgery on my face, mid week, drained whatever energy had not yet bottomed out.
And though I’d truly enjoyed my energetic great nephews, my current energy deficit has need to rebound from emptied to my now-normal level of low. As to my strength of spirit, I have no doubt that, too, shall rise anew.
In the midst of penning this post, Ravi FaceTimed me, and we remained connected for an hour. During that time, Ravi introduced me to each of her new toys, and I find the sweetness of her spirit so contagious that my spirit smiled ever so naturally, again and again.
In other words—I believe today’s blue state of mind is bound to feel technicolored before too long.
Though yesterday, my exhaustion was such that I’d forgotten to wish all of you who celebrate Christmas a wonderful holiday with family and friends, today’s message of good cheer, though one day late, is every bit as warm hearted as has been true, every year.
Thank goodness, Santa, who is immune to Covid, visited every home where good little children, like Ravi, had baked cookies and set carrots outside to nourish Santa and his reindeer for their long, round the world ride.
How readily sadness retreats and heartfelt smiles appear when a child, as sweet as Ravi FaceTimes to say::I love you, Gramma and I miss you, a lot!
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
AncestryDNA® Learning Hub
Our DNA is amazing. And over the years scientists have discovered some stunning facts. Here are strange but true DNA Facts
FACT: If unwound, your DNA could stretch from the earth to the sun and back ~600 times.
FACT: When it comes to DNA we are all 99.5% alike. Of the 3 billion base pairs in the human genome, only 0.5% are unique to each individual! We are all more similar than we are different. (Source)
Fact: Remaining happily alive and true to my innermost self so as to feel joyful (rather than burdensome) for as long as possible has become my ultimate goal.
🙋🏻♀️🥰🌈🍀🇺🇸
Annie
As to how things have been at our house, over these past few days—I’m glad to say that the pain I’ve experienced resultant of my severely ‘sunburnt’ neck following radiation treatments is subsiding as injured layers of skin have dried up and peeled with help from a healing aloe lotion, which I slather on the affected area, daily.
Just to recap—We received the good news of my being tumor free last Friday, and on Saturday, David drove here from LA. Then on Sunday, my sister, Sharon, her husband, Mickey and their son, Matt along with his wife, Melissa and their adorable pair of active sons, Josh (8) and Jordan (5), flew in from the Midwest to enjoy time spent with Jessica and the rest of our family. Next thing we knew, Steven called to say he had Covid, so I’m sad to say that his family has had to be quarantined. That’s been a big bummer, as, over this week, I’d hoped to see a heartfelt bond develop amongst Ravi and her cousins, Josh and Jordan.
As Sharon’s family landed on the first night of Chanukah, a party was planned for that evening. And as if all of the above has not been enough to process, I received a call on Monday from the office of my Moh’s specialist suggesting he had a cancellation for Wednesday of this week. Otherwise, I’d have waited until February. So I decided to go ahead with the Moh’s surgery, which had been postponed for three years being that it was originally scheduled for the very same week that my lung cancer had finally been correctly diagnosed.
If you wonder why we’d scheduled the Moh’s surgery with so much else going on, my oncologist suggested the time was right being that I’m on a short break from chemo, and who knows when that coincidence may take place, again. Bottomline, I’d been so ill for so long that this Moh’s surgery has already been postponed for three years, so I’m glad it’s finally over.
As all of this has taken place within the short span of several days, my head has been spinning like a dreidel. Thank goodness, Steven’s case of covid has, thus far, been uncomplicated, and though we’ve all been deeply disappointed in Ravi’s being quarantined, everything else about my sister’s trip to the desert has gone as planned. And just as our extended family knows to accept both ups and downs as we approach the New Year, I hope that with the approach of your new year anything that bums you out proves to be short lived so that you, too, can wrap your mind around every heartwarming moment that is yours to enjoy with family and friends.
As to those of you who’d wondered why I couldn’t process with clarity until today—hopefully, you can see why my mind’s been aswirl ever since we returned from the west coast in time to face up to serious health exams followed by yet another extended family fun fest, sobered by COVID and quarantine, brightened by holiday celebrations, during which I’d been made aware of the necessity to decide whether or not to undergo a long-overdue Moh’s surgery. Whew!
As Sharon’s visit continues and Chanukah candles are lit after which gifts are eagerly opened by happy children, night after night, life’s unpredictability, tempered by familial flexibility, offers each of us reason to awaken every morning with hopes of enjoying each next family-fun-fested day.
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
PS We just received word that Celina and Ravi have tested positive for covid. Geesh!🥹
So what, you might ask, were the conflicting thoughts that kept backing up into each other so as to create a jumble of words inside my mind, making it impossible for me to separate and clarify the emotional reactions that ran interference with my futile attempts to write anything that made sense, over these past few days?
Well, first of all, you’d think I’d be elated to hear that no new tumors have developed anywhere within my body, during these last three months, suggesting that the oral chemo that I’ve been taking, every day, must be working up to snuff..
Although I’d felt exceptionally relieved upon receiving my test results, I was surprised to find that I’d actually felt kind of flat until I’d had time to process that jumble of reactions which had filled my mind with emotional confusion.
As one of my defense mechanisms is denial, I’d made use of denial to keep my spirit afloat during the weeks leading up to my current PET scan and chest CT. After all, results of prior tests revealed a tumor in my flank followed by another tumor in my neck, so realistically (rather than pessimistically) I’d felt threatened by the probability of yet another tumor unless the chemo had proved successful. So rather than feeling delighted at being tumor-free. I’d had to release feelings of apprehension, which had been deeply repressed.
We received the good news of my being tumor free on Friday, and on Saturday, David drove here from LA. Then, before we blinked twice, it was Sunday, and my sister, Sharon, her husband, Mickey and their son, Matt along with his wife, Melissa and their adorable, active pair of sons, Josh (8) and Jordan (5) flew in from the Midwest. As they’d landed on the first night of Chanukah, a party was planned for that evening. And if all of that was not enough to set off several emotional reactions, simultaneously, I awoke on Monday to receive a call from the office of my Moh’s specialist suggesting he had a cancellation for Wednesday (yesterday), and so I hope you can see why my brain has been handling too much overload to write what I’ve been feeling in such a way as to convey a sense of clarity to you.
If you’d like to ask—why say yes to Moh’s surgery while your sister’s family is in town, my brain, which is in need of a rest before enjoying my family a bit later, today, is suggesting that my perfectly logical reply must wait until next we meet.
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
I have good news to relate.
The results of last week’s PET scan and chest CT show no sign of new tumors anywhere within my body, so along with my oncologist, we surmise that the oral chemo I’ve been taking, daily, has been successfully combatting my continuing battle against leiomyocarcoma.
With this being the case, in addition to feeling relieved, you’d think I’d feel as happy as all get out, right?
I have lots more to relate; but my thoughts have been backing up into each other, so for several reasons my words are not flowing naturally, when it comes to writing, my number one rule is no forcing it allowed. Even so, I’d wanted to share my good news as soon as possible knowing that, I’ll fill you in on whatever has been taking place within my mind once I’ve had time to fully process the current state of my jumbled emotional reactions.
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
Though I did enjoy time with Cath while in Calif., this trip was too short to see everyone I love while attending to my lack of energy. And the fact that a cold was making its rounds within my cousin Zena’s house caused us to send each other our love from afar. On the other hand, Will and I did manage to create lovely memories with extended family in the short span of a week.
Last Thursday, Dec. 8th, being my birthday, saw day two of my birthday celebration as we’d enjoyed dinner on the heated patio of a favorite restaurant with Barry, Marie, David, Bryce and our niece, Beth, with her family. (Again, Tony and Ray were with their dad). A good time was enjoyed by all amid festive balloons flying high and gifts chosen with care. Lots of good cheer was experienced as old family stories were renewed aloud.
On Friday night, Will, David and I accompanied Barry’s family on their annual Christmas tree excursion. Our very first. And fun was had again, as Tony spied the eight foot tree that he’d deemed to be the perfect one to hold everyone spellbound who would enter Barry’s living room with elevated ceilings, once this year’s choice had been decorated with Marie’s family’s beautiful ornaments.
When Saturday dawned, I’d felt unwell. In fact my stomach had been so loose during the night that by morning my low energy felt so depleted as to deem me disoriented upon standing.
As with every day, I spent my time quietly, taking in as much water as possible. By evening, I, feeling less dizzied, felt able to enjoy ordering out dinner at Barry’s . And with Tony and Ray at home, it had been predetermined to celebrate my birthday and an early Chanukah party with the boys, and so, yet again, I’d found myself feted with love as a fun time was had by all as everyone had at least one gift to open .. Twas a wonderful way to end our week on the coast before awakening on Sunday to pack up and greet Barry and Marie, who’d arrived at the condo with coffee and muffins to see us off after Barry helped Will to load everything into our car for our six hour drive home.
The week would have been idyllic had David’s back not tightened up, creating a painful few days for our youngest son. (Thank goodness, between an ice pack, heating pad, and exercises, the intensity of his discomfort has finally lessened.)
Soon after we’d pulled into our garage, Steven pulled up curbside as preplanned to help his dad unload our car after our lengthy drive.
I welcomed a lot of quiet, during this current week, in which to hopefully recoup more energy while undergoing Tuesday’s PET scan and Wednesday’s Chest CT. Today, I finished unpacking (a feat that took weeks in the aftermath of our October stay at our timeshare).
Tonight we have dinner plans with dear friends. And tomorrow, we’ll see my oncologist who, having received my test results, will hopefully offer us good news with which to welcome in the New Year.
🙋🏻♀️🍀⭐️Annie
A day of quiet introspection spent mustering my strength to face tomorrow’s PET scan and chest CT on Wed.
The truth of the matter is this—
With four tumors within a span of three years time, this week’s tests will offer reason for fear to emerge while awaiting results.
And with that acknowledgement, I’ll keep to myself so as to feel as peaceful as possible.
👩🏻🍀Annie
Last Monday and Tuesday, we had to stay clear of Barry’s house, because twelve year old Tony was ill with a GI bug of some sort, and in addition to running a fever, he could not hold down any food or liquids.
Before our arrival in CA, our sons had asked us to reserve Wednesday evening for an adventure with which they had planned to surprise us. Barry’s boys were with their father, so the four of us (Barry, David,Will and I) climbed into Barry‘s shiny black SUV, and off we went with a heightened sense of excitement snapping through the air.
Where in the world had our three sons (though Steven’s presence was truly missed) decided to take us?
Within twenty minutes of driving, we pulled into a large mall, and having parked his car, Barry, smiling widely, said—OK, we’ve reached our destination-all out!
As before us stood a multiplex cinema theater, I asked with disbelief—are we going to the movies? Yup replied Barry and David in unison.
But I can’t go in there with so many people. Even masked, it’s just not safe. As much as your dad and I love the movies, we’ve not ventured into a theater in more than there years—ever since I was diagnosed.
Exactly, replied David. That’s why we’ve brought you here to celebrate both of your birthdays, with the utmost of safely in mind.
Barry continued with—the three of us bought out the theater, so we four will be the only ones in it, and it has the great big comfy reclining seats.
You bought out the whole theater for the four of us?
Yup! Chuckled my sons.
Marie didn’t want to come?
She never goes to the show.
Okay. She’s so caring with us—if this is our thing but not hers I’m good with whatever she decided.
David piped up with—the lobby’s almost empty, so you and Dad go straight into the theater while Barry and I mask up and get popcorn and drinks. And here are Purell wipes to cleanse everything that we nay touch.
The movie chosen was The Fabelnans—the autobiographical story of Steven Spielberg’s compulsive boyhood concerning film whereby he’d convinced the kids in the neighborhood to people his artful endeavors with his video recorder. As it was a feel good movie and as my spirits were high—I loved it along with the love of our trio of sons, who knew exactly what would tickle their parents fancy within a safe environment that offered our family lots of fun
🙋🏻♀️🍀⭐️Annie
I’ve been too depleted to write.
Being dehydrated has seen me feeling a bit off balance these last couple of days. I’ve been guzzling water and don’t feel disoriented, today, but have still not returned to the natural level of my low energy self. Even so, we spent the last three evenings enjoying family while sharing old memories and making new ones.
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
Though staying with Barry’s family offered a heartwarming weekend, by Sunday, my low energy had declined to no energy, suggesting why no posts have been penned since Friday.
We took possession of our timeshare condo, yesterday. As my most recent round of chemo and my last radiation treatments were, last week, I’m much more tired than was true when we were here in October. In fact, I’d wondered if I would be up to making any plans, at all, until I awakened, today, hoping to see extended family while we are here.
Being on the west coast for a week is quite different from enjoying our leisure with Barry’s family and David, over several weeks, while also seeing everyone we love who lives nearby. As always, I’ll do my best to enjoy, one day at a time.
🙋🏻♀️🍀Annie
Yesterday, bright and early at 7am, Will and I began our drive to Calif. to celebrate my good fortune at having finished my second round of every-day-oral-chemo without incident of side effects other than fatigue and the fact that my nails are turning white as had happened with chemo in the past.
I’ll be off of chemo for at least three weeks, which causes me to wonder if my nails will have time to self-heal before the process begins, all over again. As with everything of consequence—time will tell if radiation decimated the tumor in my neck—if any of my hair will fall out—if the chemo reduced the cancer cells traveling in my blood. As always, living with cancer necessitates the patient to muster Patience with consistency …
The sun was rising east of our home when Will and I got into our car—I cannot remember the last time I witnessed a desert sunrise—beautiful … peaceful … as the birth of another new day offers the gift of possibilities—as yet unknown …
Passing Gene Autrey Dr. just before the turn off for Palm Springs—we see a God-given snow capped mountain standing tall in the background with man-made windmills harvesting electricity in the foothills below …
A casino stands alone in the desert as man leaves yet another large footprint in constantly shifting sands …
Six hours after leaving home, we feel grateful to have arrived, safe and sound, at Barry’s home, following an easy, uneventful ride.🙋🏻♀️😊🍀Annie
On the eve of Thanksgiving
This thought came to mind:
Age is just a number
Until it’s your age and
Decades keep flying by, at which
Time, your age has swiftly become
A very BIG number, indeed!
So—I stopped to ask myself:
How could it be that
My birthday is coming up, again, when
My last one was
Just a couple of months ago, at most?
I swear—they’re coming
Several times a year!
Though age is just
A number when
You’re turning 24
You’ll think of your age as
Incredulous—most especially
Once you find yourself
Somehow, only one year
Shy of 80!
I mean
How in tarnation
Did so many decades pass
So frigg’in fast???
Let’s consider
My precious mother, who’d
Enjoyed good health till
She turned 100
And as such
I’d planned to do
The same until
My plan went awry and
So we come to see that
Though we may
Truly have grown old
We do not feel
Old enough to
Wither and die
Not when, having had
Parents who’d excelled at
Loving life for as long and
Robustly as had been true of
My precious mom and
My beloved dad (both of whom had
Become two of my best friends)
That fact is one of
Many reasons why
I often give pause to
Feel my good fortune at
Having had parents who’d
Loved me so thoroughly as to have
Gifted me with
The wherewithal to
Pass that treasured legacy onto
My three sons and they onto
Their children, as well
So—if Thanksgiving is a time of
Contemplating, creating and choosing
Family traditions, both
Old and new, then I feel
Grateful for the fact that
So many of our family’s
Festively treasured traditions
(Like several generations
Gathering, together, to
Roll out, stuff and fry
Potato Knishes in our kitchen)
Continue to come to fruition as
Our attitudes t
ransform work into
A hearty Knish Party, year after year
And though I have been
Relegated to smile
Straight from my heart while
Sitting on the couch, watching
My three sons
Passing our traditions onto
Our grandchildren who have
Come to see how much fun
Holiday preparations can be when
Adults raised with positive attitudes
Take the lead, I, who love our traditions
Have come to accept
Need for peaceful transition based in
My awareness of time to
Pass the baton while ‘kvelling’ with
Pride over our three sons’choices to
Retain whichever heartfelt traditions
They each decide to make their own
🙋🏻♀️❤️🍀🇺🇸Annie
