GREEN LIGHT

Good morning.

It’s Saturday, at 11:20 am.  We’ve not yet gotten out of bed.  In fact, Will’s still sound asleep.  The worrisome nature of this lengthy illness has taken more of a toll on him than most people know, as proves true for most long term care givers, who are as invested in a loved one’s complete recovery, as is true of Will with me.

I’m so relieved that Madalyn, David and my niece, Jessica, were free to be with all of us, last night.  Whenever I feel in need of lying down, over the weekend, no worries.  It’s imperative to keep my #1 goal in mind—gaining more energy than I expend, over these next two weeks.

Once Lauren and Mickey had landed, I’d happily invited their friends (with whom my sister is staying) to join us onThursday evening, two nights ago.

Though I wanted to see them, it seemed wise to wait till after my early morning appointment with the surgeon on Friday before adding friends to  ‘party’ with our family.

It’s not at all surprising to see me expending more energy than usual, this week, and with yesterday’s appointment at Mayo having been so early, my thinking cap wasn’t on straight when I’d mentioned Thursday to Lauren’s friends, several days back.

Thank goodness, many loved ones hope to be with us, and each time Lauren and Mickey fly in that’s true, most every day, as Jessica is their daughter, and a friendship has developed between Lauren and Andi, as well.

Fortunately, reality is speaking to me to remain cautionary, so I don’t find myself running on empty when my primary concern is to gain and maintain energy for an upcoming, serious surgery—which is tentatively scheduled for July 20th.

All is good.  My thoracic surgeon said the results of my pulmonary function test were excellent except for one small portion, which fell just below normal due to my being anemic.

Though undergoing surgery to remove my right lung will not be a picnic, the alternative is so dark that my spirit feels lighthearted each time I realize that my surgeon turned on the green light, yesterday.

Once again, I’m thankful for EMDR therapy conducted by a well trained professional whose compassionate listening skills proved so astute as to strengthen my trust in her ability to encourage me to develop an ever deepening connection to self trust, which proves essential to the on-going development of ‘my inner voice’ becoming ever more open and at ease whenever a serious conflict emerges between a loved one and myself.  And here’s the necessary change that proved vital before my personal growth in self awareness could take another step forward:

I  had to gain a firm grasp of identifying those times when my defense system continues to block my conscious awareness from realizing that my ‘pleaser’, whose main role in life has been to maintain the peace in my home—at any cost to myself—knocks out the self assertive portion of my character, leaving my connection to logical problem-solving senseless, temporarily.

You see, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, this glitch in my ability to think clearly under emotional pressure undermines my attentiveness to remaining alert to those times when my reactiveness following a subconscious spike in anxiety causes my best interests to not be served, at all— and now that I’ve offered my power of intuitive thought free rein while penning today’s post, my ever deepening belief in the human brain’s natural capacity to immerse itself within the emergence of pure insight offers my conscious mind sound reason to understand why my childhood fear of self expression has remained repressed within my subconscious ever since I developed PTSD, which has blocked my intellect’s sense of logic from remaining astutely turned on durin those times when my defense system, gaining control over my conscious mind, makes the wrong turn inside my head as soon as an alpha personality in my current life emotes the strength to oppose the peaceful repose that I think I need to conduct my life with continued success.

At one point in time, here’s what I said to my therapist—Sometimes anxiety arises while I’m driving to your office, because I don’t know what I want to work on when I get here.  She smiled serenely while replying:  Annie, you don’t need to know anything or do anything or prepare for anything before you arrive in my office.  In fact, the more relaxed you feel about yourself, the more readily your brain will release your intuitive powers to explore your depths so as to reveal ‘forgotten’ details (buried within your subconscious) so as to free your conscious awareness to answer leading questions that I’ll ask—unless your intuition believes you are not yet ready to reveal deeper truths to your conscious self and when that’s the case, you’ll feel confused.  Then she went on to say:

Please remember that you are not a human doer—you are a human being—and if you can let yourself just ‘be’,  you’ll actually ‘be/come’ more productive at retrieving blocked memories, which had frightened your emotional reactions so much during childhood that portions of your personal growth got stuck in the past, blocking your self awareness from seeing which portion of your personality could not continue to mature until you’d placed your trust in the immersive nature of EMDR therapy to jump start those portions of self trust that had not deepened at an earlier stage of life, thus limiting the calming strength of your self respectful voice during moments fraught with conflict while discussing serious subject matter with certain alpha personalities—today.

Once I’d absorbed my therapist’s explanation of my need to ‘become’ a fully relaxed human being, my level of unconscious fear concerning undetected ‘performance anxiety’ decreased so dramatically that my sense of self trust (and thus, my inner connection to self respect) deepened, considerably.

As no one leaves childhood emotionally unscathed, I hope that today’s explanation of ‘becoming’ a more relaxed human ‘being’ has clearly offered your mind sound reason to remind yourself to consciously relax your brain during conflict (just as my therapist’s explanation clarified my need to relax my mind of inner conflict) and with thoughts of strengthening your brain’s mindful capacity to calmly express your self assertive voice throughout every stage of life, I’m sending you a peaceful aura of positively focused thoughts wrapped in an abundance of inner peacefulness within which to immerse your whole self, more so than your psyche has ever been freed to feel, before——no spiking anxiety allowed to unconsciously channel the subconscious portion of your mind back into moments fraught with childish submission based in inner conflict clouding your intellect’s judgement, today … ohhhmmm

PS  Have you guessed which human being is most in need of this pep talk concerning self trust, today?  The answer is—me each time my smile sincerely deepens my connection to self-developed courage most especially while discussing the imminent removal of my lung without any conscious thought of mentioning the lengthy painful recovery that I’m facing—again

(Have I mentioned that my son’s’ friends sent a Wonder Woman cape to me with my name embroidered on the back?  I leave it draped over a dining room chair at the foot of the table so that each time my eye spies it, my conscious mind is reminded of my brain’s capacity to remain fully connected to whatever degree of courage my spirit deems necessary to win this on-going fight to save my life …

🙋🏻‍♀️🔆Annie