WITH PAIN MEDS RELAXING THE INTENSITY OF SURGICAL DISCOMFORT, A HARMONIC SENSE OF HEALING FEELS PEACEFULLY RELIEVING

As long as med pains are taken in a self disciplined fashion and I take it easy, this initial stage of my recovery continues to blow me away considering how well I feel, day after day.

Each morning, right before opening my eyes, here’s what I hear inside my head—The surgery is over, the healing’s begun.

Next thing I know, my spirit’s smile gains a gentle sense of control over my recovery, and

Though, if left on its own, my processor would have so much more to say, the fact of the matter is this:  Everything’s connected, and I’ve expended all of the energy that my think tank cares to muster, so my self assertive attitude has just asked my voice to join me in a nap.

🙋🏻‍♀️🥱😴Annie

PERCEPTIVE THOUGHTS FROM THOSE WHO RODE SIDEKICK RIGHT NEXT TO ME DURING SURGERY #3

So first things first—all went well, and as a one lunged person, I’m relieved to say that nothing feels different while breathing, and thank goodness for that.

As my brain feels too weary to write a series of brief summaries describing these past few days, my next several posts will prove to be updates, penned and emailed to family and friends by my sons, and thus as each summary appears on your screen, you’ll be provided with first hand perceptions of those who chose to ride sidekick right next to Will and me, during this serious, life saving surgery and beyond until, today.  

And as I’ve stated—hopefully with crystal clear appreciation for the presence of our loved ones, over these past two turbulent years—my spirit continues to feel treasured by so many, during these highly vulnerable times that I find it essential to be inclusive of every individual whose personal resilience bolsters mine whenever my memory compiles a list of whatever proves necessary to maintain the upbeat buoyancy that keeps my host of inner strengths afloat each time we ride the rapids, yet again.  And if I consciously decide to rest every bone-tired portion of my being, completely, for a while then there’s no one for whom my pleasure center would like to save the lounge chairs on either side of my own other than for each of you, and as soon as I declare humor and diplomacy two of my inner strengths, I’ll close my eyes and enjoy a nap🙋🏻‍♀️☺️🥱😴🌻🔆Annie

HERE WE GO!

When my six year old grand daughter, Ravi, expressed concerned about my being hospitalized for several days, here was my reply:  I’m going to be the healthiest person on the operating table in the history of the world Part ll!  Then last night’s pizza arrived, and Ravi’s focus switched from my health to dessert before pizza had even been served😊

Being that Ravi and I believe in magic, we’ve been creating a portable fairy garden, over these past several weeks, piece by piece, and as the video below shows us that flowers and trees have yet to be added, our magical garden will continue to grow ever more colorful until its completed upon my return from the hospital.

If you ask Ravi what she likes most about assembling this project, together, I’ll bet my grand daughter would reply—every time I see my Gramma Annie, another surprise appears—like a jolly old gnome on a swing or a sparkling fairy riding a rainbowed unicorn until, piece by piece, our fairy garden becomes even more beautiful than ever before.

And since it’s 5am, time for Will and I to leave for the hospital, I think it’s fitting that my power of intuition chose to focus my mind upon magical winged creatures, who fly all around, waving wonderful wands so as to grant wishes, here, there, everywhere, most especially when Tony, Ray and Ravi ask when their Gramma Annie will feel so well as to get down on the floor to play make believe as she’d always been known to do from the day they’d been born until …

HERE WE GO—WISH ME WELL …

🙋🏻‍♀️❤️🔆🍷🧚‍♀️🧞‍♀️🧜🏾

STRANGE THINGS GOING ON

 As of last night’s sixth play off game—

Chris Paul clearly favored a hand.

Booker’s shot clearly was off.

Aidan clearly feared getting his aggression on

And—clearly, the officiating was infuriatingly prejudicial, because The Suns get no respect, but when all is said and done—‘Ante was unstoppable’—and, as always, regardless of last night’s loss, the winning combination of our family’s heartfelt connectedness with our dearest friends while cheering our team on could not be beat!

Somehow, though we’d sat at the edge of our seats or paced while, eyes glued to the screen, we’d watched our courageous team lose three heartbreakers in a row, a celebratory attitude of unknown origin had clearly emerged at the end of the Sun’s Buck’s championship series, buoying every spirit inside our home so naturally that this morning my mind is still reflecting as to why that uncommon reaction in the face of great loss was ours, last night—seriously, after recapping the game, our family discussion turned the corner so as to conjure up that which players and coaching staff need do to bench mistakes and release improvements on the court necessary to carry home that magnificent gold trophy while sporting star studded rings, all of which had slipped through our hands—until next season sees everyone working toward achieving change for the better and Amen to the clarity of an intuitive vision as simply stated as today’s proves to be—Suns in 2022!

🙋🏻‍♀️🏀🔆🍻

HERE WE GO IS NOW ON HOLD

 ... TILL THURSDAY

Late yesterday afternoon, we received a call from Mayo saying two hearts had arrived for transplant patients who have been waiting patiently, and thus two surgeries had to be cancelled to free operating rooms, one of which had been reserved for me.  My surgery is now scheduled for Thursday morning.

Before receiving the call from Mayo, I’d gathered these photos to commemorate moments enjoyed with our immediate family, which, hopefully, we’ll all enjoy, together, repeatedly, once I’m well.

Today, I awoke feeling a bit flat, knowing that at this moment, my surgery would have been half way done. Then I began to read a cornucopia of in-coming emails sent, this morning, from family and friends, and spontaneously, my spirit regained its natural sense of buoyancy.😊

Needless to say, I’m glad to know that two heart transplant patients and their families and friends are hopeful that their loved ones will soon be on the mend—just as, on Thursday, hopefully, the same will prove true with no further delay for me …

Though I’m told this is a seventies retro look, the style seen in this photo doesn’t represent any memory that I can conjure up concerning the contents of my closet when I was a young mom of three active little guys, so it must be retro of teens at that time😊🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

PS  On second thought, my glasses did cover half my face, and being a pack rat, I still have them—LOL!

BUSYING MY MIND WITH PLEASURE

To my good fortune, loved ones are busying my mind with pleasure—Will just brought me warm pumpkin bread; David is beside me; Steven will be here with Ravi after work, and Barry arrived from the west coast, again.

In addition to all of this nurturing occurring  on Saturday, Andi and Michael brought dinner and stayed for the Sun’s playoff game—after which my sister FaceTimed, and emails and texts, offering best wishes, continue to pour in.

As to phone calls, thank you so much for respecting my need to cocoon within an aura of peaceful tranquility, which translates into my holding back an ocean of emotion, which can be quite a feat.

Busy days.  Busy evenings.  At home.  My heart feeling too busy smiling to free worrisome thoughts that would surely wear on my spirit.

Today, During my appointment with my thoracic surgeon, I placed tongue in cheek while saying—I plan to be the healthiest patient you’ve ever had who proves in need of removing a lung.  She, liking my attitude, laughed and so did I.  Laughter (blended into a smoothie with love) really is the best medicine.

Tonight—my choice will be Tequila, sangria, Prosecco OR Grey Goose.  I’m not choosey and will not imbibe too much, seeing as I’m known to be a cheap drunk, who certainly needs not invite a hangover to mess with my head when my noggin seeks to maintain an aura of serenity before undergoing such a delicate surgery—only two days away.

My grandsons, Tony and Ray, asked Barry to give me their photos to take to the hospital, so Barry chose three identical frames, knowing that each time I see all three of my grand children smiling at me, invariably, my smile will feel enticed to appear.

As always, I’m deeply appreciative of all your good wishes, and I’ll be sending positive vibes into the universe in hopes  that tranquility boomerangs ever so gently in slow-mo right back at me, most especially on Tuesday of this week. 

🙋🏻‍♀️🔆🌻Annie

MY MOUTH WORKED WELL, TODAY

I so enjoyed my 2 hour zoom Shakespeare class, this morning.  Our discussion of tragic King Lear proved so mentally stimulating that my spirit re-energized as inner strengths, like courage and a peaceful sense of self confidence saw me, a fledgling beginner at interpreting The Bard, fielding questions with an attitude of studied, clearly knowledgeable, loquacious assertiveness.  In short, my mouth worked very well in tandem with my mind.

As to The Suns’ playoff game, tomorrow—win or lose, we’ll stand by our team (though winning would be much better for our spirits than losing).

Clothes washer conked out, last week.  Refrig. repairman is here.  Repairs on our 25 year old Sub Zero dinosaur will be $5,000 plus.  Much better than $17,000 for a new one (and luckily, parts for our model are still available and in stock), so Will’s decision to refurbish rather than replace works for me.  Ohhhm …

Called AC repair to check out guest room (way too warm) which David has claimed as his own during this year long siege of back to back lung surgeries.  After speaking at length with the scheduler, I was deeply appreciative when she agreed to make adjustments so as to squeeze us in on Mon. before my surgery on Tues.  And so goes life when clarity fills our minds; our mouths work well and compassion hath ears … 🙂

As our eldest son drove here with his family, last Saturday and then back to the west coast on Tuesday, I was not surprised when Barry decided to give himself one more day to work and rest up at home before driving here, again, tomorrow with plans to stay through Thursday at which time, he’ll return to the coast for Ray’s 10th (double digit) birthday, following which Barry wants to be here, again.  As to what I want?

I want my son (whose professional life requires a clear strong mind in which to store encyclopedic amounts of knowledge concerning fiduciary responsibility for the massive 401k’s of mega universities and huge corporations with offices throughout the nation) to not stress himself out, flying back and forth to board meeting and conferences, which he leads as well as driving back and forth between the Pacific coast and our desert home, repeatedly.

As to maintaining my own peaceful state of mind, I’ve just declared it sangria time—Olé!💃🏻🍷🔆

Oh wait—Have I mentioned that the medical ID bracelet (inscribed with the fact that having one lung will offer my chest cavity sound reason to fill with fluid, which must not be drained) arrived?  Too snug.  Or that David is still searching for his keys, lost yesterday?  Like I said—this too is life—which is why my glass is more than half full—of sangria …

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

ENERGY DRAINING, WAINING, REGAINING

Good morning.

It’s Wed. at 10 am.  We’ve not yet gotten out of bed.  In fact, Will’s still sound asleep.  The worrisome nature of this lengthy illness has taken more of a toll on him than most people know, as proves true for most long term care givers, who are as invested in a loved one’s complete recovery, as is true of Will with me.

We’ve been running on adrenalin, over these past couple of weeks, first with Lauren and Mickey as well as their daughter, son in law and their friends, then with all of our kids and our precious grands.

Each time I’d felt in need of lying down, over these busy weekends, I did, knowing it’s imperative to keep my #1 goal in mind—that of regaining the energy expended, over these last fun filled weeks.

Once Lauren and Mickey had landed, I’d happily invited their friends (with whom my sister stayed) to join us on the evening of my morning appointment with the thoracic surgeon.  As a vulnerable sense of weariness descended upon me, during the day, I was grateful that my sister’s friends were flexible concerning which evening they'd  ‘party’ with our family.

It’s not at all surprising that I’d expended more energy than usual while Lauren was in town—good thing my thinking cap was on straight when I’d asked her friends, Madalyn and David, to change our date from Thursday to Friday, by which time, I’d caught a second wind.

We love the fact that many loved ones hope to be with us, and each time Lauren and Mickey fly in that’s especially true, as my niece Jessica is their daughter, and a friendship has developed between Lauren and Andi, as well.

Good thing I rested for days after Lauren flew home before Steven, Ravi, Barry, Yvette, Tony and Ray surprised Papa Will, Gramma Annie and Uncle David by driving in from the west coast.

Fortunately, reality speaks to me about remaining cautionary, so as not to find myself running on fumes when my primary concern is to regain and maintain a level of energy that will see me through next Tuesday’s serious surgery, scheduled first thing in the morning on July 20th.  Slowly, day by day, I’ve been accumulating the few items that may be needed during my hospital stay.  Being experienced, I’ll pack much less than had been true last time round.  As my calendar reflects nothing more than a blood test at Mayo—today offers up lots of time to catch up on much needed rest while basking in the happy glow of recent memories enjoyed with beloved family who live out of town.  🙋🏻‍♀️🔆 Annie

TIME FLIES WITH LOVED ONES HAVING FUN

 Good morning, dear friends,

I’m so happy to say that on Saturday, Barry’s family surprised the heck out of us by knocking on the Arcadia door that leads to our patio.  Steven was the only one who knew they were driving in from the west coast.

While we all felt wonderful being together, our grandsons are unaccustomed to the intensity of the heat, so Tony (11) and Ray (10) were seen wilting a bit until they began to enjoy the hotel’s miniature golf course and water park.  

The fact that children are not yet vaccinated and can’t come into our home where Will and I continue to quarantine (pre surgery) was not easy for anyone, but that challenge dissipated as soon as all of the precautions we must take were clearly explained (based in the fragility of my immunity to combatting Covid, most especially while this tumor resides in my lung.  I mean, being this close to surgery, I can’t catch so much as a summer cold).

Fortunately, the timely manner of my sister’s visit followed by Barry’s family’s arrival (as well as many play off games, which we enjoyed), sees my surgery being over (and recovery beginning) within just a week’s time.

These past two weeks with Lauren and Mickey, my niece, Jessica and Shawn and then Barry, Marie and Ray offered Will, Steven, Ravi, David and me such an abundance of loving fun that any worrisome thoughts, which may have arisen, momentarily, were swept away by our family’s heartfelt sense of pure pleasure at being together following a separation of twenty months.

Under normal circumstances, we are accustomed to enjoying each other quite frequently.  Seriously, as all of us chose to spend time together, happily, on our patio in 108 degree heat, if that’s not an act of love then what is?❤️

 Barry’s family is driving back to the coast while I’m writing this post (on Tuesday).  I miss each of them, already.  Watching cousins, who clearly love each other, cooling off by splashing around in our spa, set my heart to dancing.💃🏻

Barry plans to drive here, again, this coming weekend before my surgery takes place a week from today.  My smile sincerely feels blessed.

🙋🏻‍♀️🔆Annie

I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND

Once the inevitability of the family role reversal begins to emerge, common sense suggests that we set a high value upon this natural change in family dynamics, which, proving as necessary as it is classic, feels ever more profound as each next generation moves through the aging process—and hopefully with humility intact, we’ll consciously offer our adult offspring a gracious acceptance of their generous assistance in hopes of initiating a lasting sense of patience flowing freely, back and forth, being that at some point in every person’s life cycle, the aging process is not what we’d freely choose for our loved ones or ourselves except for the fact that the alternative is definitely less desirable than adding candles to our cakes in celebration of our good fortune to accumulate birthdays with loved ones, year after year.

🙋🏻‍♀️So thank you, Barry, Steven and David for taking my hand so tenderly while our relationship ‘crosses the street’ every bit as naturally as I’d taken your hand in mine when you were as vulnerable, in years past, as is currently true of me now that the aging process seems to have picked up the pace.

My love for each of you is so much more deeply felt than my brightest smile can clearly convey as I count my blessings every time each of you walks toward me, and as today’s train of intuitive thought has conveyed everything I feel need to say, for now, my trio of sons would most likely agree with my choice to conclude the profound nature of today’s post on a much lighter note—sooo:

Woo Hoo!  Suns in 5!🙋🏻‍♀️🔆🏀

SMILING WITH SINCERITY WHILE AWAITING SURGERY

 Recently, a loving friend cautioned me to remain aware of Will’s wearied appearance, resultant of the heartfelt vigilance with which my husband has taken care of my needs, during this lengthy illness, which sees the fast approach of yet another serious surgical procedure on July 20th.

Though we often hear about loving care givers wearing out, it’s not uncommon to miss that very situation taking place in our families, even when that person openly expresses exhaustion.

As Will rarely admits to feeling worn, I choose to be as watchful of him as he is of me, being that it’s not uncommon for all eyes to focus on the needs of one person when two prove in need of loving attentiveness, and in hopes of not making that mistake, I am mindful of this fact:  Over this lengthy time of my physical illness, Will has experienced as much in the way of emotional stress as  has been true of me.

On the other hand, it’s also true that with all of you holding hands with Will, Barry, Steven, David and me, our family feels deeply appreciative of all of the love that has so generously buoyed our spirits, most especially during the height of the pandemic, when loving hugs were virtual and masks were required..

With waves of relief washing over me, I’m glad to say that this upcoming surgery to remove the rest of my right lung does not involve my heart, and thus will this procedure be performed at Mayo, close to home.

Rather than traveling in hasmet suits, renting an air bnb and being hospitalized with no visitors allowed as was true during the height of the pandemic, last summer in Houston—I’ll be permitted two visitors a day, suggesting loving advocates will be at my side when my voice feels too vulnerable to express my needs with anything resembling assertiveness, which, for the most part was not mine following heart/lung surgery, exactly one year ago (just short of one week’s time).

And as three weeks from now, I’ll be home and on the mend under the vigilant daily care of Will and David, while Steven lives just minutes away and Barry drives back and forth from CA, my smile is sincere upon expressing how deeply blessed we all feel to have all of you in our corner, cheering everyone in our family forward in hopes that by next summer, at this very time, ten of us will be relaxing round the pool in Newport Beach, enjoying each other, extended family and friends in good health at long last.

How wonderful it will be to hug and kiss Tony, Ray and Ravi for real when they ask Gramma for towels after splashing happily in the pool.

And while floating such a positively focused thought as that, back and forth, within my mind, it’s my pleasure to wish all of you well while Will joins me in sending each of you lots of loving smiles wrapped for posterity in sincerity … 

As for now, Will, David and I are eagerly awaiting dinner on the patio as soon as Steven and Ravi arrive  🙋🏻‍♀️❤️🌻  SUNS IN 4 🏀🔆

Oh My Gosh!

What an amazing surprise

When Steven arrived, you’ll never guess who he had in tow—Marie, Barry, Tony and Ray, all of whom drove in from the coast in celebration of our enjoying each other, before my upcoming surgery takes place on July 20th!

 See what I mean when I say no one with a serious illness is more fortunate, when the subject is love, than has been true of me!

Holy Smokes!  My heart is singing and dancing the happy dance!🙋🏻‍♀️💃🏻

SERIOUS CONCERNS SHAPE MY ATTITUDE, YET AGAIN

I deeply appreciate all kind thoughts (concerning the depths of my positive focus), which continue to come my way.  Needless to say, the removal of the rest of my right lung (July 20th) is cause for serious concern being that I’ll have undergone three life saving surgeries in just under a year’s time.  However, the truth of the matter is this—my only realistic choice is to consent to any treatment that will, hopefully, offer my health a turn for the better.  So, considering my love of life, my strength of spirit consistently chooses to muster the courage to motivate my mind to jump on the band wagon, where, with baton held high in hand, my concentration of positive thoughts inspires my smile to remain focused upon whatever proves necessary in hopes of enjoying my family and friends for many years to come.

And perhaps, the sincerity and frequency of my smile inspires family and friends to spend lots of time with me, making each painful recovery easier to bear.

Once again, we come to see that everything is cyclical and therefore, connected.

As for now, gotta go—my mind needs to rest.

Friends arriving within the hour.

Then, I’ll rest, again, in readiness to join in the fun when Steven and Ravi arrive for dinner on our patio, garbed in bathing suits, of course.

Annie 🙋🏻‍♀️🌻

NGU on Y

Sooo—having undergone every test necessary to determine the current state of the tumor, the health of my heart and my body’s overall capacity to deliver oxygen to every organ system and function well with one two-lobed lung—surgery to remove the two remaining lobes of my right lung has been scheduled for July 20th.

Upon learning that the tumor had regenerated (like an octopus growing another tentacle after tussling with a hungry shark), my dismay at repeating the side effects of Chemo followed by withstanding another lengthy painful recovery from a serious surgery was disheartening to say the least until my spirit caught its second wind, which saw my frown flip upside down once courage to smile with sincerity had been given time to re-generate so naturally that I feel thankful for the fact that my chosen profession saw me writing my mantra—NGU on Y—on whiteboards, several times, weekly, for most of my adult life, and...

I can’t help but wonder how many of you, who have been riding sidekick throughout my blog for quite some time, remember what NGU on Y means to me …

🙋🏻‍♀️Annie

PS—In case some of you wonder what NGU has to do with my having mustered the courage to undergo everything penned above, over these past two years while offering the sincerity of my smile all around inclusive of the medical staff who’d evaluated whether or not my chemo-weakened body had recovered the physical strength to withstand a third life saving surgery in less than a year’s time then let’s turn the podium over to Thomas A. Edison, whose strong minded spirit swoops down from on high, now and then, in hopes of encouraging each next generation of youth to acknowledge that—

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.  The most certain way to succeed is always to try one more time.”

And as I’m wholly in agreement with Edison’s positive attitude concerning our having no clue as to when our brains will alight upon the solution to the dilemma at hand, you’ll find no doubting Thomas casting dark shadows upon the natural brightness💡 of today’s insight-driven prose. (I just couldn’t resist lightening up on the serious nature of this post)😉🌻

THE DAY THE JUSTICE DIED

A Supreme Court justice is not supposed to support one platform over another before presiding over a case.  And though life is supposed to advance forward, the opposite is currently taking place concerning voting rights.

Recently, much has been processing through change not necessarily for the better since Ruth Bader Ginsberg was appointed to the Supreme Court in 1993 …

Too many of our countrymen continue to believe The Big Lie concerning the fraudulence of votes counted mechanically for Biden while remaining unconcerned about the legitimacy of votes counted for trump—within the same machines—this discrepancy verifies the fact that arguments based in emotional reactiveness offer up not a word based in logical thought processing suggestive of why change is not necessarily synonymous with progress, most especially when the topic of discussion concerns the eruption of flagrant inconsistencies arising quite often within the political arena, where very little in the way of positively focused improvement actually takes place.

Will and I binged on The West Wing and as much as we enjoyed the series, frustration arose upon our acknowledgment of political rhetoric within the US governing body of 25 years ago matching political rhetoric spun, today, providing us with this deeper truth, yet again:  Whether or not integrity assumes the presidential seat of power, political progress of a lasting nature that benefits most of the people is always hard to gain and then maintain.  Amen.

Annie👩🏻 🇺🇸

SMALL TOWN PARADES FOLLOWED BY FAIRS AND FIREWORK FINALES

No matter how much we currently enjoy the 4th of July with family and friends, I continue to miss fireworks, every year—at our age, it’s too hot to be outside in the valley.  I especially feel nostalgic for those years, up north at our cabin, spent watching children, who’d felt so in awe of the sky bursting with ‘excitement’ that their innocent faces actually beamed in the afterglow of the technicolored finale which would end with America The Beautiful ringing in our ears while George Washington’s profile, lighting the night’s sky was immediately followed by The American Flag, causing every heart of all ages to pump with a common sense of national pride.

Up at the cabin (at the edge of a pine treed forrest) when our sons were young, The Fire Dept. had offered an awesome artful array of fireworks enhanced with patriotic music blasting from gigantic speakers that stirred our love of country, deeply.  And many hundreds of families, sitting on blankets spread across the expanse of the golf course would smile at one another while hundreds of children, flicking on flashlights, mimicked fireflies dancing through the air, from here to there and back, as everyone eagerly awaited the beginning of the evening festivities under the starlit sky (being that countless stars actually twinkled above us, one summer after another, as though in celebration of the 4th with my parents and dear friends, whom we’d chosen to stay with us while we all enjoyed a weekend of crisp clear mountain air.

I miss the untainted nature of those patriotic celebrations enjoyed, year after year, including the aroma of traditional BBQ curling through the air, arousing appetites for hot dogs with all the trimmings before we’d head downhill on dirt roads to claim our territory on the golf course in wait of a thrilling ending to a weekend with loved ones, filled with fun colored in RED WHITE AND BLUE.

Sadly, in recent years, attitude about ‘my country tis of thee’ has greatly changed for the worse—for sound reason—and raging fires have thrown cold water over firework displays, which had once provided countless families with awesome patriotic memories of years past.  My memories of celebrating Independence Day (beginning in 1978) at our cabin with family and friends in tow, remain vivid, not just in my mind but within my heart for sound reason.

Every 4th of July, I wish we could relive those traditional family times, when all of us were young and we, as well as our mountain getaway, were decked out in red white and blue, because love of country felt as natural as grilling hot dogs in the great outdoors followed by scooping vanilla ice cream atop apple pie topped off with roasting marshmallows while lighting the last of our sparklers on the wooden deck before tucking the kids into sleeping bags, where several small fry had eagerly awaited bedtime stories about ‘made-up’ super heros, who’d emerged from within Will’s imagination, such as Toilet paper Man or R2-poopoo, Chuy-caca and C3Pee-on-me … each one setting off gales of children’s laughter, and just before our tykes were so fully spent that they’d be curled up, fast asleep, Will would sneak in a commercial inclusive of the theme song from Kellogg’s Corn Flakes with all of the kids chiming in, and once our traditional evening chinanigans came to an end, a sense of deeply blessed weariness saw the adults, inclusive of my parents, yawning while hugging each other before abbreviated night time routines had readied each of us for a sound night’s sleep.

Upon today’s reflections, perhaps that’s why my processor could not fall asleep until 3am.  Our unique histories certainly arouse differences in emotional reactions that arise unbidden from subconscious memories, today.

I could write a lot more about small town celebrations with homemade floats enjoyed at our cabin, over the past 43 years, but I’ll let these pictures do the talking😊

🙋🏻‍♀️💖🇺🇸🔆USA

Ravi, wearing purple, is in the float with the guitars🥰

Tony and Ray have purple tongues🥰

Those were the days, my friend

Those were the days when

Thoughts of anyone challenging

Our Democratic way of life

From within our borders

Seemed so unlikely

As to be thought ridiculous

And not  one of these photos

Goes back more than six years … 🇺🇸

A SPOONFUL OF COURAGE, EVERY DAY

 If courage is defined as stepping beyond fear then can you name the fear that my current connection to courage steps beyond each time I awaken to the fact that another life-saving surgery awaits, directly ahead?

The fear I choose to step beyond, daily, does not go by the name of Death.

The fear I step beyond is that of recurrent tumors disrupting my plan to enjoy a healthy, thus lengthy life of celebration with beloved family and treasured friends, and today’s insight-driven, intuitive train of thought leads me to ask:  If this upcoming surgery offers me another chance at enjoying healthy longevity within the circle of life with my loved ones then what heartfelt blessing could feel more personally enriching than that?

Of interest to me is the fact that my daily spoonful of courage satisfies my think tank’s need to calm anxiety in order to verbalize independence of thought with clarity during conflicts that are bound to arise with loved ones, from time to time.  And—

In addition to that, imagine me feeling relaxed with getting this surgery behind me so the healing process, following this lengthy ordeal, can, hopefully, heal completely for real.  As to my chosen attitude after surgery—I plan to celebrate life, one day at a time.

On Friday, we enjoyed having Jessica as well as Lauren’s friends join us for dinner.  Saturday evening saw us enjoying the Bucks/Hawks playoff game while Lauren and Mickey had dinner with their hosts.  (Lauren and Madalyn have been friends since first grade.)

With Steven enjoying the holiday up north at the cabin, I’m about to read and relax before Lauren and Mickey, Andi and Michael and Jessica arrive to enjoy Independence Day with David, Will and me—and once again, it’s plain to see why I feel deeply blessed.  

My last thought before calling today’s post a wrap (in hopes of taking a nap) is to wish you a deeply fulfilling holiday with loved ones while your anticipation of a bright tomorrow offers your spirit sound reason to toss smiles, all around.

 Seriously, the fact of the matter is this:  Our forefathers’ determination to create a harmonic union after declaring their independence from a tyrannical monarchy demanded much more in the way of positively focused thinking skills than did dumping tea into Boston Harbor based in anger over taxation without representation … There was a war to be fought in which many lost limb or life though many more, who’d survived, had lots of living to do in the aftermath having won their freedom as well as yours and mine—

USA!  USA!  USA!

🙋🏻‍♀️🔆 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_8ObHWAESt4

GREEN LIGHT

Good morning.

It’s Saturday, at 11:20 am.  We’ve not yet gotten out of bed.  In fact, Will’s still sound asleep.  The worrisome nature of this lengthy illness has taken more of a toll on him than most people know, as proves true for most long term care givers, who are as invested in a loved one’s complete recovery, as is true of Will with me.

I’m so relieved that Madalyn, David and my niece, Jessica, were free to be with all of us, last night.  Whenever I feel in need of lying down, over the weekend, no worries.  It’s imperative to keep my #1 goal in mind—gaining more energy than I expend, over these next two weeks.

Once Lauren and Mickey had landed, I’d happily invited their friends (with whom my sister is staying) to join us onThursday evening, two nights ago.

Though I wanted to see them, it seemed wise to wait till after my early morning appointment with the surgeon on Friday before adding friends to  ‘party’ with our family.

It’s not at all surprising to see me expending more energy than usual, this week, and with yesterday’s appointment at Mayo having been so early, my thinking cap wasn’t on straight when I’d mentioned Thursday to Lauren’s friends, several days back.

Thank goodness, many loved ones hope to be with us, and each time Lauren and Mickey fly in that’s true, most every day, as Jessica is their daughter, and a friendship has developed between Lauren and Andi, as well.

Fortunately, reality is speaking to me to remain cautionary, so I don’t find myself running on empty when my primary concern is to gain and maintain energy for an upcoming, serious surgery—which is tentatively scheduled for July 20th.

All is good.  My thoracic surgeon said the results of my pulmonary function test were excellent except for one small portion, which fell just below normal due to my being anemic.

Though undergoing surgery to remove my right lung will not be a picnic, the alternative is so dark that my spirit feels lighthearted each time I realize that my surgeon turned on the green light, yesterday.

Once again, I’m thankful for EMDR therapy conducted by a well trained professional whose compassionate listening skills proved so astute as to strengthen my trust in her ability to encourage me to develop an ever deepening connection to self trust, which proves essential to the on-going development of ‘my inner voice’ becoming ever more open and at ease whenever a serious conflict emerges between a loved one and myself.  And here’s the necessary change that proved vital before my personal growth in self awareness could take another step forward:

I  had to gain a firm grasp of identifying those times when my defense system continues to block my conscious awareness from realizing that my ‘pleaser’, whose main role in life has been to maintain the peace in my home—at any cost to myself—knocks out the self assertive portion of my character, leaving my connection to logical problem-solving senseless, temporarily.

You see, unbeknownst to my conscious mind, this glitch in my ability to think clearly under emotional pressure undermines my attentiveness to remaining alert to those times when my reactiveness following a subconscious spike in anxiety causes my best interests to not be served, at all— and now that I’ve offered my power of intuitive thought free rein while penning today’s post, my ever deepening belief in the human brain’s natural capacity to immerse itself within the emergence of pure insight offers my conscious mind sound reason to understand why my childhood fear of self expression has remained repressed within my subconscious ever since I developed PTSD, which has blocked my intellect’s sense of logic from remaining astutely turned on durin those times when my defense system, gaining control over my conscious mind, makes the wrong turn inside my head as soon as an alpha personality in my current life emotes the strength to oppose the peaceful repose that I think I need to conduct my life with continued success.

At one point in time, here’s what I said to my therapist—Sometimes anxiety arises while I’m driving to your office, because I don’t know what I want to work on when I get here.  She smiled serenely while replying:  Annie, you don’t need to know anything or do anything or prepare for anything before you arrive in my office.  In fact, the more relaxed you feel about yourself, the more readily your brain will release your intuitive powers to explore your depths so as to reveal ‘forgotten’ details (buried within your subconscious) so as to free your conscious awareness to answer leading questions that I’ll ask—unless your intuition believes you are not yet ready to reveal deeper truths to your conscious self and when that’s the case, you’ll feel confused.  Then she went on to say:

Please remember that you are not a human doer—you are a human being—and if you can let yourself just ‘be’,  you’ll actually ‘be/come’ more productive at retrieving blocked memories, which had frightened your emotional reactions so much during childhood that portions of your personal growth got stuck in the past, blocking your self awareness from seeing which portion of your personality could not continue to mature until you’d placed your trust in the immersive nature of EMDR therapy to jump start those portions of self trust that had not deepened at an earlier stage of life, thus limiting the calming strength of your self respectful voice during moments fraught with conflict while discussing serious subject matter with certain alpha personalities—today.

Once I’d absorbed my therapist’s explanation of my need to ‘become’ a fully relaxed human being, my level of unconscious fear concerning undetected ‘performance anxiety’ decreased so dramatically that my sense of self trust (and thus, my inner connection to self respect) deepened, considerably.

As no one leaves childhood emotionally unscathed, I hope that today’s explanation of ‘becoming’ a more relaxed human ‘being’ has clearly offered your mind sound reason to remind yourself to consciously relax your brain during conflict (just as my therapist’s explanation clarified my need to relax my mind of inner conflict) and with thoughts of strengthening your brain’s mindful capacity to calmly express your self assertive voice throughout every stage of life, I’m sending you a peaceful aura of positively focused thoughts wrapped in an abundance of inner peacefulness within which to immerse your whole self, more so than your psyche has ever been freed to feel, before——no spiking anxiety allowed to unconsciously channel the subconscious portion of your mind back into moments fraught with childish submission based in inner conflict clouding your intellect’s judgement, today … ohhhmmm

PS  Have you guessed which human being is most in need of this pep talk concerning self trust, today?  The answer is—me each time my smile sincerely deepens my connection to self-developed courage most especially while discussing the imminent removal of my lung without any conscious thought of mentioning the lengthy painful recovery that I’m facing—again

(Have I mentioned that my son’s’ friends sent a Wonder Woman cape to me with my name embroidered on the back?  I leave it draped over a dining room chair at the foot of the table so that each time my eye spies it, my conscious mind is reminded of my brain’s capacity to remain fully connected to whatever degree of courage my spirit deems necessary to win this on-going fight to save my life …

🙋🏻‍♀️🔆Annie

 

ONE MORE TIER

Following Monday’s loss, I said to myself—Hey!  Everyone has an off day.  Even guys in their twenties and thirties, who—being able to dribble and shoot baskets—sign contracts, pocketing zillions before retiring by forty.  Oy!  What a value system!

Then came Wednesday’s win—The Suns having dominated the court from start to finish, on the road.

As to me (while our team rests up till the next tier of play begins) I’m fully engaged with my sister and Mickey till it’s basketball time, and as, luckily, they enjoy sports, I can engage with my husband and sons, all eyes glued to the action on our TV without my losing sight of the fact that while we’re obsessed with our team winning, Lauren and Mickey, though enthusiastic, do not find our game as compelling to watch as would be true if the team on the court was their own.

Thank goodness, lots of tension, concerning my appointment with the thoracic surgeon, tomorrow, was released, naturally, last night— and much to our happy relief—our team won their battle for the western conference championship.

As for now, my team and I plan to reach toward the next tier of my recovery, where, upon facing this up-coming surgery, together, we’ll win my fight for life and feel as happily relieved as did Chris Paul, having led his elated teammates to victory, last night!

GO!🏀SUNS!🏀WIN! 🙋🏻‍♀️🔆Annie