*As insights were added to the post preceding this one, you may be inclined to review that train of thought before advancing to whatever the intuitive portion of my mind feels ready to reveal (to me), today.
Today, I feel need to say that subconscious bullying of oneself perpetuates a self-driven, deep seated mental state of inner conflict. Basically, no one can put us down as often or beat us up as badly as we can do that, daily, to ourselves. And thus are we our own worst enemy until we smarten up about the complex workings of every two-sided brain, which all too often frees negatively focused emotion that fogs up clarity so that logic is led astray, which is why the development of a conscious sense of balance between logic and emotion is such a coveted inner strength.
Once the post previous to today’s was intuitively written and consciously reviewed, I came to understand why compliments to my physicality triggered unhealed, repressed pain to arise, thus answering the timeless question as to why kind hearted comments of a certain variety made me flinch and be on guard as I’d feared being sucker punched or struck from ‘behind’.
Each time a comment suggests my slender shape, subconscious fear of the fat little girl (who’d endured body shaming inside that bus in which I’d had to fend off mean-minded bullying taunts, four times weekly) emerges, and rather than feeling complimented here’s what I hear her say to ME—Hey! That person must be crazy? Listen up, Annie! I’m still inside you, awaiting my chance to break free and eat myself into oblivion!
Though you can’t see or hear ‘her’ (and neither can I), nevertheless, this chubby version of me exists in a repressed (caged) state of ‘being’ and my worry concerning her gaining control over my self-disciplined eating habits feels like a 24/7 burden to me.
Next, let’s confront the bully who took up residence within a deeply repressed portion of my mind when I was twelve and thus has subconsciously condemned me to feel overweight each time a piece of birthday cake is placed before me, or I am quietly close to gagging on each spoonful of hot fudge sundae, which is rarely allowed to slip between my lips, because I can feel my fat girl rattling her cage, waiting to be seen and shamed by one and all, and once she has freed herself from lock down, I’ll blow up every bit as fast as did the child in Charlie’s chocolate factory! Oy! Repressed inner conflict is nothing short of a conundrum for sure!
At some point most every day, I actually need to reassure myself that a person wearing size 4 can not be fat. And a person who was slender in the morning can not be fat by nightfall—geesh!
Needless to say, the string of insight-laden thoughts penned above does not actually run through my conscious mind while I’m indulging in carbs, but ‘feeling’ those fears is the causation of unnamed anxiety arising while I’m secretly shaming myself concerning falling off of this wagon or that one, so though I’d felt in need of finding a therapist, I’d had no conscious clue as to needing to identify my deepest inner conflicts until I came to understand that professional help is highly trained to unstick the human think tank from stubbornly spinning wheels at point A by expanding narrow mindsets toward reaching point B and then C until the mental habit of cycling round yesteryear’s down trodden path has become a thing of the past, suggesting my brain’s capacity (and yours) to become so open-minded, over time, as to muster the humility to engage professional help trained to encourage your brain and mine to heal from trauma incurred during childhood in hopes of freeing us to respectfully enjoy the adult, whom you and I have chosen to grow up to be.
And thus, in a nut shell, here is the crux of the inner conflict that the intuitive portion of my mind has been referencing throughout today’s post: Ever since the age of twelve, I’ve subconsciously bullied and body shamed myself. And now that I’ve clearly confronted that fact, my conscious sense of self reminds me to soothe my inner child’s wounded ego by calling forth my intellect to calm any misperceived, internal misery that arises while I’m indulging in carbs so responsibly as to enjoy whatever I’m eating wholeheartedly, and I’ll also remind myself to stop fidgeting in favor of feeling calm so as to smile while replying thank you while responding to a kind-hearted compliment concerning how I look to someone other than myself.
As soon as remnants of the anxious child within feels aroused, I’ll know to soothe myself by gently hushing yesteryear’s body shaming, inner voice. As to my fear of being ostracized if my existential self feels need to clearly speak its mind to those in authority, my self-respectful, assertive, compassionate voice has had sufficient time to become one of my well practiced, inner strengths.
And that, my friends, is quite enough for us to chew on when considering the mind blowing effects that result when yesteryear’s ‘invisible’ emotional triggers arouse hot spots of subconscious inner conflict, which manifest as momentary mental confusion causing unnamed spikes of anxiety that boggle the most intelligent of minds based in instinctive defensive reactiveness, which packs the power to render us speechless, the world over.
And though there’s nothing new about defensive reactions running interference with clarity and logic as soon as repressed inner conflict is aroused, the richness inherent within each string of insights that chose to tunnel freely out of the depths of the intuitive portion of my mind, today, is certainly worthy of your consideration and mine. And with that clearly stated the self-respecting existentialist, whom I’ve grown to be has just suggested that tis time to close up shop and relax my mind till next we meet.
🙋🏻♀️Annie
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