I’m thinking of sending flowers to my therapist
Why? Because with her kind guidance
Much of my time spent in therapy tracked back through
Situations that had motivated the creative portion of my mind
To conjure up and internalize a line of self control, which
Over time, developed a heightened level of endurance during
Emotional duress that grew too practiced for
My own good in that, for the most part
I’d masked unhappiness, anger
And fear from my conscious mind behind
A persona, which, beginning at the age of three
I’d felt need to develop in order to
Secret any emotion that was not positive
Behind a wall of denial erected by my brain’s
Self protective defense system so as to fool
The conscious portion of my mind into believing
All was fine in my little corner of the world when
Situations that threatened my safety arose, which
Being beyond a small child’s comprehension, were
Not fine, at all, and as I’ve come to absorb the fact that
Denying the existence of life’s harshest realities is
The way a frightened child’s imaginative sense of creativity
Empowers the inexperienced processor to maintain
A firm hold on sanity when surviving trauma too
Terrifying for fledgling thought processors to
Fathom, I’ve come to understand why
Denialand serves as a crutch during mind boggling
Times though it is most certainly not an emotionally
Healthy place for the conscious portion of
Anyone’s thought processor to teside, over long, and
Yhat’s most especially true once
We’re adults, whose personal perceptions may remain
Unconsciously distorted in ways to which we, who
Had spent most of our lives struggling with
Undiagnosed PTSD, may be blinded to
Certain aspects of reality, pretty much forever
Why? Because whenever defensive denial
Runs the show, emotional intelligence is at a low or
Even worse, intelligent thought patterns are literally
Locked out of any mindset in which a leader’s
Mental block creates a brain vacuum into which
Unrealistic attitudes abound, and if leadership usurps
Control over the minds of loved ones so that
Distorted views, which reign supreme are passed
around by gangs of bullies, who, like their
Leader, crack the whip of humiliating insult over
The heads of anyone who dares to disagree and
Then if we leap toward the opposing pole of leadership
We find a mindset that sugar coats entire
Belief systems, which also differ from every opinion that
Conflicts with one’s own, suggesting that
At one pole of leadership, everyone must clone whatever
The top dog directs each individual to
Feel, say, do and believe ‘or else’ fangs and
Claws are bared, making the recipient of
Leadership’s irrational misdirected wrath feel like
Dead meat without a live brain inside
His/her head while at the other pole of leadership
The sugar plum fairy waves
Her wand over every head in sight as though
She’s empowered with conferring magical
Sensations of benevolence, dripping with
The honeyed glow of joy upon her loved ones and
Strangers, alike, so as to, hopefully
Breed peace, happiness, contentment and
—best scenario ever—pure bliss for one and all—
Care to guess which emotional pole time spent in
Reflection with a therapist, versed in clients
Recovering from PTSD, I’d claimed as my own?
Whoops—while writing with one hand, I’ve been
Twirling my wand with the other, and
Having dropped it so as to solidly hit
Myself in the head, all I can see, right now is
An array of wishing stars, twinkling over my bed ...
In truth, I’m thankful to note that
Having my mindsets grow deeply rooted into
The positively focused end of
The emotional spectrum has done
Much more good than not in that
My ability to dance around that pole with
Ease has inspired countless folks (including me) to
Adhere to their commitments while working toward
Accomplishing heartfelt dreams, which, upon
Reflection, proved to provide each of us with
Long range goals that have been truly difficult to
Achieve —then again, on the other side of that coin
I’ve been known to politely knock my head
And heart upon locked doors too long for
My own good, though in retrospect, most of
Those doors did open to welcome a rekindling of
Natural warmth between two good souls, both of
Whom had misunderstood each other’s intentions
and thus has backtracking through each stage of
My on-going development enriched
My spirit, immeasurably, and feeling thankful for
Reconciling with that reality
Offers me sound reason to stick with
The portion of the positively focused program
That sincerely inspires others to believe in themselves
Without leading myself blindly straight toward
Mental burnout, as had been true several
Times before I was diagnosed with
Blind spots based in PTSD creating mental blocks that
Layered up within the conscious portion of
My thought processor based in having experienced
A series of inter-related childhood traumas, which
Having been secreted behind my persona’s
Ever thickening wall of denial
Served to shatter portions of my self esteem, which
Had need to be restored ...
As I worked toward gaining insight into
The defensive nature of my childhood home
My therapist guided me ever so gently to
Peel away my many layered blinders so as to
Meticulously bare misbeliefs, which had created
My my life-long facade S we worked painstakingly
In hopes of freeing the intuitive portion of
My brain to encourage my veiled insecurities to
Muster the humility and courage to stand
Naked before me on center stage and face up to
The harsh lights of reality, which turned
Spotlights upon a host of my own
Very human vulnerabilities thereby releasing
‘Forgotten’ memories so as to unshackle my
Self perception from my persona by telling myself
The truth, the whole truth and nothing but
The truth about the turbulent existence of
My inner life, and though rewiring
My think tank’s misperceived perceptions of
Myself and those I love required
My processor to hunker down so as to
Take leaps of faith toward believing in
My brain’s ability to heal itself, I, holding
My well-trained therapist’s hand for moral support
Continue to achieve each next courageous task
Concerning retiring my distorted perceptions
And thus did The acknowledgment oF
PTSD prove to be vital to my well being, since
Newly expanded views of realities that
Were too harsh for a child’s sensitivities
To bear must be borne by adults if
One hopes to continue to mature into
A well balanced GROWN UP throughout
Every stage of life rather than blindly
Giving lip service to placing a high value upon
Challenging oneself to truly subscribe to
The countless merits of embracing personal growth
And here’s where patience, humility and
Courage arise to save the day, day after day:
Gain comes not without pain, and
Significant changes of a lasting nature often
Take so much time to sink into your mind (while
You're ‘peeling the onion') because baring
The naked truth to yourself hurts like hell)
And when a couple is going through
A hard time, if one mind is open to insights that
Pop like kernels of poppin’ fresh popcorn then
That person can go close to crazy
Awaiting a deeply meaningful connection to
Heat up within the closed minded views of other, whose
Kernels of truth remain frozen within a deep
Freeze where icy pots, slow to simmer when placed on
Burners, at last, take forever to heat the oil that
Releases poppin’ fresh nourishment that feels so
Personally nurturing as to be near to impossible for
Two hearts to resist and once my story moves forward
You’ll witness my husband and I assume these roles
So anyway, not to wander too far off on this tangent
I’m thinking of sending flowers to my therapist to
Say thank you for this reason:
Two weeks ago, I got bad news
Really bad news
And rather than stuffing my deepest
Emotional reaction behind a facade as
Would have been my M.O. in the past
I actually cried. As did
Will, Barry, Steven and David
I mean—Boy!—if ever I’ve been in need of
Mustering patience with medical oversights
As well as courage to face the unknown, which is
Clouding my immediate future, with
The Boldness of my spirit’s best foot forward—it’s now ...
I don’t have pneumonia
I don’t have valley fever
A CT-scan shows a large mass in one lung
My PET scan’s results show this invader to be ominous
That’s all I feel brave enough to
Say, for now, except for this—
It’s looking like my well-practiced
Line of emotional control
Is in a balanced state of being, because despite
Chest pain, headache, fatigue and
Now emotional unrest, my spirit feels strong and
I cried, today, suggesting that my sense of emotional
Balance has been working toward facing
Life’s harshest realities without
Unconsciously ducking behind
My defense system’s wall of denial, which is
Why I’m thinking of sending
My therapist flowers to thank her for
Gently encouraging my smarts to grow so
Bold as to dive into the deep of my mind, repeatedly
In order to digest bite sized pieces of
Reality to which I’d been blind at earlier
Times in my life—and thus, with patience
Courage and humility forming a trifecta
My processor feels capable of forging ahead
Through the next steps of my life’s path having
Retrained my processor to aim my focus upon
Proactive trains of thought concerning
My personal need to continue to create
New portals into identifying narrow minded
Misperceptions absorbed during childhood, and
As every conscious change for the better shines
It's spotlight upon each next deeply repressed
Negative attitude that may be exacerbating
My current level of stress, I'll continue to
Straighten out mixed messages, lodged within
My subconscious, which would otherwise
Mess with the lucidity of my perceptiveness, today
I mean, if ever it was time to inspire my
Whole self to take a flying leap of faith toward
The safety net in which to face today’s
Harsh reality surrounded by the love of
Family and friends, infusing my spirit's
Inner smile to shine forth with
My good fortune (except for
Those moments when my tears feel need to
Express suppressed emotion to flow openly
Without benefit of a cocoon), I wholeheartedly
Believe that while working determinedly to
Openly know, respect and freely embrace
Both sides of my nature with grace
I’ll gratefully welcome all of the loving support that's
Been buoying my spirit, which is sure to ride
The rapids, without capsizing (though
From time to time, a riptide is likely to arise that
Pulls me under, and when that happens
I’ll feel free to respect my natural
Emotional reaction by releasing distress
Through tears rather than bottling up fear or
Frustration deep inside as had once proved true
I mean, seriously—why were we given tears
If not to wash deeply stressed, heartfelt
distress out of our minds, naturally, thus making
Room for insight-driven intuitive trains of
Thought to filter into our state of consciousness in
Order to encourage us to reflect over
The best moments of life, which are still
Ours to enjoy with those we love as
The future unfolds, and as that’s my plan
I’m proactively empowering my spirit to
Do its best to bravely accept whatever unexpected
Turn of events each day offers up—tears and all
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