At this point you might ask: If denial blocks out reality then why didn't your mind just dive deeper, yet? And here’s why that proves to be an excellent question: Hindsight suggests that just as with most everything, denial does exist in degrees; however, here's what complicated matters each time I’d claimed a seat in the van: My defense system split the conscious portion of my memory into two separate parts, one of which was totally numbed to pain, the other part mostly numbed. How do I know that to be true?
While my mind did record flashes of cruelty imparted by the bullies, those flashes did no more than bounce off me, because I cannot recall my emotional reactions, at all, except for that time when the whole rats nest (including mice as timid as bullies are intimidating) pounced, trouncing my persona so completely as to have freed a tidal wave of humiliation to wash over denial’s wall, and with no shield protecting my emotional vulnerability from the reality of feeling excruciatingly penetrated by mortification, I can’t help but wonder if I’d burst into tears on the spot ... (In French mort means death. As in death of my self-confidence with guys)
Up until that fateful day, denial had separated my conscious awareness from recalling negatively charged situations too overwhelming for a child's processor to understand, withstand or rise above. Each time I'd stuffed my voiceless self into that van, I'd had to stuff much more than pain behind denial’s wall. In addition to numbing my persona to pain that might pierce my false front—confusion and fear had to be stuffed, as well—because otherwise, the person I’d believed was me might cease to be!
And thus do we come to see what a deeply complex little critter denial proves to be. On one hand, denial serves to keep self image intact while under attack. On the other hand, denial spins the conscious portion of our processors into a swirling state of confusion, which, over time, dizzies our inner compass to fly so far off center as to leave us feeling unable to regain our well-balanced sense of solidly grounded emotional footing, based in honest self respect.
Once my defense system had successfully swept my conscious awareness into Denialand, the inexplicable change in my social status within that van (and then in my new school) continued to confound me for many years. And even today, my reflections concerning that conundrum makes me ask: Ah—sweet mystery of life—what might Mother Nature have had in mind?
Well if ...
Denial blocks clarity from recognizing anything that opposes a person's self image then perhaps Mother Nature believes that people can recover self confidence (which differs from self esteem) more quickly if we're confused than would be possible if our spirits had suffered the agony of humiliation's burning defeated retreat.
And with that insight in mind, we'll watch my sense of personal safety take refuge in the Land of Make-Believe-Where-All-Is-Fine so that nothing terribly painful could possibly happen to fun-loving-bright-little me.
By the way, since denial works its 'magic' in a myriad of ways, it's not unusual for pleasers to become care givers extraordinaire, who summarily dismiss personal exhaustion as no biggie until every drop of energy left in reserve to minister to the needs of others has been wrung dry. You see, in order for pleasers to achieve their subconscious need to satisfy every need that others cast at their feet, WE, feeling need to take better care of others than we do of ourselves, deny the existence of personal needs until our personas crack up, freeing a storehouse of subconscious neediness to slip through cracks in denial’s walls.
One reason that pleasers go much farther than the extra yard is because for 'some unidentified reason' it takes very little for ‘these’ sensitive souls to feel guilty of wrongdoing. In fact, all you need do to scare an exhausted pleaser into running the extra yard for you is to raise one brow in distain. And if you go so far as to frown—a pleaser will stretch to great lengths in hopes of regaining your smile. As opposites attract, more about pleasers hooking up with takers, later.)
Wow! Once denial takes control over the conscious portion of our minds, it’s no wonder that problems (and arguments) worsen rather than resolve. I mean any attempt to problem solve with a mind that's disconnected from reality will create conversations in which two people believe the other is as crazy as a coot. And if denial helps us all to move through trying times then who's to say which person's connection to clarity is greater than the other?
By the way, if today's string of insights seems as confusing as ‘whose on first’ then just imagine what denial (on both sides) does to dim the clarity of two bright minds. As the concept of denial is so complex as to be mind-bending, all around, perhaps it's best to offer tidbits of information, concerning that which I've learned in taste tests.
In order to repress one's fear of deeper truths within the subconscious portion of our minds, each person's defense system is equipped to create a suit of armor, otherwise known as a false sense of pride. This false front is dubbed the persona, which depends upon this next pretense layering up so as to crack less easily, over time: If you and I ‘agree’ to shove our problems under the rug and pretend all is well when nothing could be further from the truth then our friendship will (seemingly) thrive until something HUGE flies in from out of the blue, causing our house of cards to come undone. And if you ask why opposites need to pretend that their problems aren't that bad, I’d surmise: Your perception of reality either infuriates me or scares me half to death (and vice a versa)!!!
This pretense of shoving problematic deeper truths under the rug holds up for only so long, because in the absence of clarity concerning reality, conflicts exacerbate, molehills become mountains and relationships get crazier by the day. (BTW, that's often true of one's relationship with—one self.)
When I was blind to how often the pretense of my persona took center stage, I could not enlist the help of others, much less take a courageous stance in defense of myself. Being a pleaser, all I could do was to—bow my head and suppress my confusion by hiding from the truth each time I boarded that bus. Why? Because I'd no conscious clue as to how frightened I was of saying or doing anything that might escalate anyone's anger—inclusive of my own.
So ride after ride, this self defeating pattern of ducking from reality forced me to swallow fear, fury, humiliation and tongue-tied knots of tension—until that dreadful moment in time when, without so much as a hint of warning, the entire gang had reason to open fire on me, at once, causing every molten molecule of compressed humiliation to explode forth as a volcanic geyser of agony burst out of my core, and once my conscious connection to piercing pain felt so inflamed at to have passed the point of no return, reality refused to fast-freeze or fade away, and as every crack in my persona's false sense of pride had shattered, Denialand collapsed, and I heard myself scream—
🔥You're killing me! LET ME OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE, RIGHT NOW!🔥
No comments:
Post a Comment