* BOOK ONE CHAPTER 2—BULLY FOR ME Part 6 RESPECTING BRAIN FREEZE

DO YOU HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHAT CONSTITUTES BRAIN FREEZE?

Though much of what you’re about to read was originally penned in 2011, certain insights, added in 2019, will hopefully simplify my description of a deeply complex mental block concerning a secret that I’d kept from myself, over most of my life

2011
Hmmm.  I just sat down to write and was surprised to find subconscious Furies, repressed in an unidentifiable state during childhood, grabbing control over my peace of mind, and here’s how I know that’s true:  I sat down to write reflectively over times long past, several times.  And each time, anxiety rose another notch.

Anxiety is one way that my defense system signals my conscious awareness of personal vulnerabilities, which are feeling fearfully exposed as though a near and present danger is about to close in.  So if, while writing about a past event, anxiety strikes causing my memory to lock then it’s a good bet that the 'danger' that seems to be threatening my current peace of mind is latent in nature, meaning that today's anxiety is based in a fearsome experience, long passed, which, having been partially (if not wholly) repressed in a painfully unresolved state, has never yet been consciously processed, and with this description of a mental block in mind, we come to see why any attempt to force my thought processor to release unprocessed details concerning night furies, which had deviled me in the dark at the age of eleven, arouses a latent sense of anxiety that makes my head ache with worry of danger that’s not really closing in, today.  In fact, anything that feels the least bit similar to that earlier experience will arouse repressed anxiety to strike anew as if a fast ball, which had been purposely pitched to whiz so close to my head as to have grazed my ear during childhood, continues to haunt my peace of mind, today.

In short, rather than reflecting over specific memories, which refuse to surface naturally, today, my defense system is releasing latent anxiety so long repressed in an unprocessed state as to suggest that some aspect of a horrific childhood experience has remained unhealed to this very day, which is why anything that pricks at a secreted detail concerning this specific childhood trauma (which having been painfully buried alive, will continue to provoke anxiety to spike as if to say:  Danger, detour away from the rawness of this unprocessed detail, ASAP—because just as a strike of lightening knocks our brains unconscious—this sudden strike of spiking anxiety denies your intelligence the clarity necessary to offer a detailed description of a terrifying aspect of a childhood event, which had felt too traumatizing for an inexperienced brain to process, and thus do we come to understand why a detailed description of an experience, which had felt so complex as to overwhelm an eleven year old inexperienced mind left me feeling so stunned as to incapacitate my processor from absorbing anything other than the fear of mortal danger closing in, and that's why naught but subconscious Furies were set free to devil this terrified child after ‘lights out’, night after night.  And now that I’ve clarified why nothing but unidentified furies will surface, today, the complex nature of this train of thought (which was far from easy to pen) has (hopefully) carried your intelligence and mine toward readying our think tanks to absorb this next insight:  We can’t describe a detailed picture of any experience, which had originally felt too overwhelmingly complex for our brains to process based in the fact that emotionality proved so great that clarity was not intact during or immediately after the mind blowing event.  And now we know why ...
         

I feel as though a little voice, residing between my subconscious and conscious mind is saying:  Annie—STOP laboring to force childhood’s Furies to resurface prematurely, because you've not yet done the mental work necessary to fortify your inner strengths to readily reveal (relive?) a clearly detailed account of this dreadful experience, even though it’s long past.  If you relax your mind so as to allow this unprocessed memory to remain cocooned until your intuitive intellect has 'researched' the portion of this memory that still strikes your connection to clarity down with fear of pain attacking your peace of mind, today, your processor may release this memory so naturally as to feel pain free, as the future unfolds. 

         
So rather than pushing into yesterday's pain as stubbornness would have demanded of me in the past, I'll choose to listen to my body's anxious attempt to say:  Relax, Annie—with patience intact dreadful memories, detailing night terrors may emerge from within your current mental block once inner strength, fortifying your sense of readiness, melts your resistance to reprocess any memory, which had traumatized your mind during childhood, and thus, not until your self respect has heightened, considerably will the depths of yesteryear's anesthetized pain be revealed without causing you to feel the raw agony, which your defense system is protecting you from re-experiencing, right now.  (Again, much of this train of thought was originally penned and posted in March of 2011 when my blog was brand new, suggesting that my current belief in my brain’s power of intuition had not yet developed to the extent that is true, today (circa 2019).  Thank God, I'd sought help from a therapist, who, back in (2011) was beginning to collect info concerning my experiential history, meaning that she will not yet have gathered details necessary to diagnose my anxious reactions as having been based in PTSD until later on.) 

2011       
As my therapist’s voice of reason makes sense, I choose patience over stubbornness so as to put any memory that feels irretrievable to rest.  And in lieu of anxiety, here I am, writing freely, again, with my sense of peaceful repose restored.

In short, I’ve come to accept this next insight concerning the fact that human nature makes us feel every bit as fearful on one hand as it proves courageous on the other:  There are times when the instinctive portion of my brain sends out a spike of anxiety to act as a cautionary signal of my need to muster the patience necessary to relax my mind of tension so as to offer my thought processor whatever time is needed to identify the true (repressed) reason for subconscious distress to resurface, today.  Otherwise, I might mistakenly believe that anxiety, which proves latent in nature, is being provoked by a current event.

         
Bottom line:  The more deeply my intellect delves into the complex functions of my brain, the more readily my processor 'reads' my instincts correctly, which, in turn, offers me sound reason to consciously honor my growing sense of self respect.  And—

Each time I honor a natural instinct with self respect intact, anxious tensions based in self-doubt relax.

In short, I don't need to know why I feel need to honor emotional reactions that prove natural to my nature.  I just need to believe that each reaction is valid before my smarts have unearthed the underlying reason for subconscious arousal, which has not been identified by the conscious portion of my brain—as of yet.  So rather than laboring painfully to deliver a premie that’s not yet ready to be ‘borne’, I'll place my faith in this belief:  One day that baby will feel ready to slide smoothly out of the subconscious portion of my mind, fully formed.

If you ask what makes me believe that last insight is true, I'll reply:  Recently, I've experienced that very result take place, repeatedly, for this reason:  With patience intact, brain tension lessens freeing my processor to move through the rest of my day feeling peaceably relaxed.  And the more relaxed my mind, the more clearly my brain functions as a whole, suggesting that my defense system cannot easily usurp control over the intelligent portion of my processor.  So if you agree that positive attitude and timing are everything, then your processor, like mine, may begin to muster the patience to feel relaxed while your subconscious sense of readiness to resolve an on-going, mind bending, anxiety producing mystery develops, step by step.

         
As you shall see, my think tank will release many one act plays from memory before the final curtain goes up, revealing the primary reason why Mother Nature directed denial to gain control over the conscious portion of my mind when I was a three year old tot.  

With patience intact, you and I shall see why Mother Nature offers the gift of denial to one and all, to some degree, suggesting that this universal defense mechanism must be a good thing.  On the other hand immersing one's mind in denial, over long, indicates depths of insecurity too painful to consciously acknowledge to oneself, and since my conscious awareness would slip into denial right before entering the van from hell, that detail suggests my need to detect another dreadful experience, which must have injured my budding self esteem, scaring me half out of my wits, when I was younger than eleven—and so ...

        
As instinct refuses to lessen my anxious reaction to re-awakening sleeping Furies, right now, let’s switch tracks so as to examine a memory, which no longer feels so confounding as to needle my peace of mind with residual distress.  In fact, this memory exemplifies my processor's readiness to roar, NEVER AGAIN!