1468A AS MY SELF-DEFEATING FEAR OF REPRESSED ANGER HAS FULLY EMERGED, WHAT NOW?

Each time another unidentified fear, deeply repressed during my youth, begins to
Emerge from subconscious storage, I feel anxious but don't know why until
A conscious stream of insight-laden, intuitive thought, tunneling
Through my mind, shines its spotlight on my need to confront and
Reprocess a specific experience, which originally proved so frightening
And complex as to have left the traumatized brain of a terror-struck child
Feeling miserably confounded by the devastating effects that
Fate's unexpected twists and turns perpetrate upon life and love

As long as emotional trauma remains undiagnosed
The ill effects of PTSD take up permanent residence within
The subconscious portion of a mind that's lost its personal sense of safety

In my case, undiagnosed PTSD sentenced a kind hearted
Three year old child to a lifetime of misperceiving herself to be
So imperfect as to feel unworthy of love unless her
Vigilant attentiveness to fulfill her loved ones' every need
Met with success. (The mere hint of a frown cast in my direction
Served to arouse my unconscious, irrational fear of spending
The rest of my life alone, as if in solitary confinement)

This week, I gained the clarity to spy an inner conflict
Lurking darkly behind my line of self control ...
This inner conflict haunted my subconscious every time
Something aroused my sense of anger to crash into
My repressed fear of feeling unloved unless
My unwavering vigilance consistently fulfilled
My loved ones' desires, suggesting why my heart muscle
Constricted and my think tank felt stuck between
A rock and a hard place whenever my need to voice
The word ... No  ... was met with a frown

Uh ... wait a minute ... today's insight-driven train of thought is
Beginning to feel so complex as to alert my power of intuition to guide
My conscious awareness to publish today's insight, concerning
The disruptive nature of inner conflict, which causes
My voice to choke on fear-based-muscular-tension that constricts
My throat each time I feel need to say: No ... and with that thought in mind
Common sense suggests offering my processor down time to
Absorb today's bite-sized portion of reprocessed information more
Thoroughly than had been possible when I nsight-laden posts had
Run on and on and on ...

You see, by freeing my think tank to process today's brief stream of insights at
A relaxed pace throughout the day and overnight, I believe
The simplicity of this plan will feel so untaxing as to minimize
Mental weariness, thus re-energizing my spirit's smile to sparkle as naturally as
My sense of self-worth can clearly be seen shining serenely forth from
Deep within the well spring of my strong, sensitive, intelligent soul ... Ohhhm