Upon arriving home, Jennie sits in the hot seat
Facing down the third degree
This is the second third degree
The first occurred when Jennie told Ella
She'd made a date with a guy named Jack
Each time Jennie went out with a new guy
Ella looked him up and down
If she didn't like a guy's looks or attitude
Ella would throw Jennie 'a look'
And the tone of that 'look' determined
The degree of freedom with which Jennie enjoyed her date
Jennie thought she didn't have
A rebellious bone in her body
Just like someone else I know …
Though self discovery changed my perception of that mindset, midstream
There once was a guy whom Jennie had fallen for fast and hard
He didn't make the cut
Why not?
His name was Harold, same as Jennie's father
Why that made any difference, I have no clue
All I can tell you is what Mom told me
Ella took one look at this guy
Who'd made Jennie's heart throb with joy until
Her mother's facial expression declared—thumbs down
And Harold was toast
When Mom related that story to me, I asked, incredulously:
Are you telling me that you were crazy about this guy and
All it took to send him packing was Grandma's frown?
That's right, Mom replied. That's all it took
But I never stopped longing for him
Gosh, Mom. That's a problem!
Funny how blind I was to the fact that
My reactions to frowns had mimicked Mom's—
Or, now that I think about it, not funny, at all
Echoes of 'Gosh, Mom, that's a problem', ring in my ears ...
No rocking boats, Annie
Respond 'appropriately' to frowns or
You'll feel all alone, adrift at sea
No paddles or oars to be found
Too far from shore to get home on your own ...
April 26,2014
So, I've been writing about grief, confusion and fear ...
The first time I experienced the overwhelming nature of
That triple threat to my sense of safety was
When Grandpa Yacob died, unexpectedly; I was two and a half
A child learns by mimicking terrified adult reactions
The second time I experienced this triple threat was
When terror struck home, two months later
My sister, Janet died, unexpectedly
A child learns by mimicking terrified adult reactions
Everyone experiences confusion and fear when struck with grief. What I'm reconsidering, today, is the degree of trauma incurred by an undeveloped mind when two heart stopping, mind shattering earthquakes spin a little girl's world off its axis, eight weeks apart, and she can't process why every adult upon whom her survival depends is overwhelmed with personal crises.
Cause no frowns, Annie
Or you'll feel all alone, adrift at sea
No paddles or oars to be found
Too far from shore to get home on your own ..
Fall of 2002
My mom has been widowed just over a year
We are swaying, back and forth, side by side, on my patio swing:
Mom, who took care of me when Janet died?
I don't remember. I think you were taken to Grandma Bailey's.
But Grandma Bailey was still in a state of shock over Grandpa's death ...
(Suggesting that when struck with fear, grief and confusion …
I feel alone ... Alone ... ALONE ...
Senseless, right?
Until I learn about subconscious thought patterns in need of reprocessing
I fear frowns
I rock no boats
Please return my smile
Please hold me close
When struck with fear and confusion
I feel terrified of crises ending in loss which
Looms too large to understand ...
Hmmm ... makes sense for this reason:
Mind sets are patterned thoughts, which imprint, early on
Patterned thoughts shape personality traits before the age of five
Patterned thoughts are habits
Habits are hard to break ... Working at it
If that was then
And this is now
Then what's in need of change when
Subconscious fear overwhelms my processor?
Guess I need, now, what I didn't get, then when
Every adult was too overwhelmed to recognize my terror
Reassurance and plenty of TLC
You're safe, Annie. You're loved. You're not in danger
You're not alone. You're a good person. Come in for a hug.
Thank goodness for writing till insight dawns
Thank goodness for EMDR
EM: Eye movement (rearranging brain waves)
DR: Desensitization (to trauma) Reprocessing
Thank goodness my therapist, who trains other therapists in EMDR, guides my thought processor to identify traumatized thought patterns, which threaten my sense of personal safety in a subconscious prison.
The soothing nature of EMDR therapy empowers my processor to carve out healthy channels of conscious thought, stored in a reprocessed file:
I do not hold myself accountable for the depth of my parents' grief
I shed undeserved guilt for my sister's death
I do not need to chase perfection to feel like a really good person
I feel worthwhile, worthy of receiving love
I feel deeply loved
I love openly and freely
I have developed my own voice
I can say no without fear of abandonment
Oh wait! I think that's it!
The insight every other insight has been trying to ignite
I have stopped chasing perfection
I feel worthy of love and I have developed a voice
But that fear of saying no and being abandoned
Proves sticky to this day … for sound reason
As I gain insight into which
Traumatized thought pattern is still in need of reprocessing
The rapids inside my mind grow less turbulent
The river feels more peaceful
My boat has oars
I see the shore
I regain the power to
Row, row, row my boat home
An insight a day places fear in time out, repeatedly, until
Such time as strings of insights, brightening my self perception
Empower my thought processor
To sweep PTSD right out of my mind
You'll free yourself, Annie
Of that I have no fear
If not today
The sun will come out, tomorrow
PS
A warm hug to the first friend who embraced me in high school
The drapes are open, so I can welcome each brand new day
Facing down the third degree
This is the second third degree
The first occurred when Jennie told Ella
She'd made a date with a guy named Jack
Each time Jennie went out with a new guy
Ella looked him up and down
If she didn't like a guy's looks or attitude
Ella would throw Jennie 'a look'
And the tone of that 'look' determined
The degree of freedom with which Jennie enjoyed her date
Jennie thought she didn't have
A rebellious bone in her body
Just like someone else I know …
Though self discovery changed my perception of that mindset, midstream
There once was a guy whom Jennie had fallen for fast and hard
He didn't make the cut
Why not?
His name was Harold, same as Jennie's father
Why that made any difference, I have no clue
All I can tell you is what Mom told me
Ella took one look at this guy
Who'd made Jennie's heart throb with joy until
Her mother's facial expression declared—thumbs down
And Harold was toast
When Mom related that story to me, I asked, incredulously:
Are you telling me that you were crazy about this guy and
All it took to send him packing was Grandma's frown?
That's right, Mom replied. That's all it took
But I never stopped longing for him
Gosh, Mom. That's a problem!
Funny how blind I was to the fact that
My reactions to frowns had mimicked Mom's—
Or, now that I think about it, not funny, at all
Echoes of 'Gosh, Mom, that's a problem', ring in my ears ...
No rocking boats, Annie
Respond 'appropriately' to frowns or
You'll feel all alone, adrift at sea
No paddles or oars to be found
Too far from shore to get home on your own ...
April 26,2014
So, I've been writing about grief, confusion and fear ...
The first time I experienced the overwhelming nature of
That triple threat to my sense of safety was
When Grandpa Yacob died, unexpectedly; I was two and a half
A child learns by mimicking terrified adult reactions
The second time I experienced this triple threat was
When terror struck home, two months later
My sister, Janet died, unexpectedly
A child learns by mimicking terrified adult reactions
Everyone experiences confusion and fear when struck with grief. What I'm reconsidering, today, is the degree of trauma incurred by an undeveloped mind when two heart stopping, mind shattering earthquakes spin a little girl's world off its axis, eight weeks apart, and she can't process why every adult upon whom her survival depends is overwhelmed with personal crises.
Cause no frowns, Annie
Or you'll feel all alone, adrift at sea
No paddles or oars to be found
Too far from shore to get home on your own ..
Fall of 2002
My mom has been widowed just over a year
We are swaying, back and forth, side by side, on my patio swing:
Mom, who took care of me when Janet died?
I don't remember. I think you were taken to Grandma Bailey's.
But Grandma Bailey was still in a state of shock over Grandpa's death ...
(Suggesting that when struck with fear, grief and confusion …
I feel alone ... Alone ... ALONE ...
Senseless, right?
Until I learn about subconscious thought patterns in need of reprocessing
I fear frowns
I rock no boats
Please return my smile
Please hold me close
When struck with fear and confusion
I feel terrified of crises ending in loss which
Looms too large to understand ...
Hmmm ... makes sense for this reason:
Mind sets are patterned thoughts, which imprint, early on
Patterned thoughts shape personality traits before the age of five
Patterned thoughts are habits
Habits are hard to break ... Working at it
If that was then
And this is now
Then what's in need of change when
Subconscious fear overwhelms my processor?
Guess I need, now, what I didn't get, then when
Every adult was too overwhelmed to recognize my terror
Reassurance and plenty of TLC
You're safe, Annie. You're loved. You're not in danger
You're not alone. You're a good person. Come in for a hug.
Thank goodness for writing till insight dawns
Thank goodness for EMDR
EM: Eye movement (rearranging brain waves)
DR: Desensitization (to trauma) Reprocessing
Thank goodness my therapist, who trains other therapists in EMDR, guides my thought processor to identify traumatized thought patterns, which threaten my sense of personal safety in a subconscious prison.
The soothing nature of EMDR therapy empowers my processor to carve out healthy channels of conscious thought, stored in a reprocessed file:
I do not hold myself accountable for the depth of my parents' grief
I shed undeserved guilt for my sister's death
I do not need to chase perfection to feel like a really good person
I feel worthwhile, worthy of receiving love
I feel deeply loved
I love openly and freely
I have developed my own voice
I can say no without fear of abandonment
Oh wait! I think that's it!
The insight every other insight has been trying to ignite
I have stopped chasing perfection
I feel worthy of love and I have developed a voice
But that fear of saying no and being abandoned
Proves sticky to this day … for sound reason
As I gain insight into which
Traumatized thought pattern is still in need of reprocessing
The rapids inside my mind grow less turbulent
The river feels more peaceful
My boat has oars
I see the shore
I regain the power to
Row, row, row my boat home
An insight a day places fear in time out, repeatedly, until
Such time as strings of insights, brightening my self perception
Empower my thought processor
To sweep PTSD right out of my mind
You'll free yourself, Annie
Of that I have no fear
If not today
The sun will come out, tomorrow
PS
A warm hug to the first friend who embraced me in high school
The drapes are open, so I can welcome each brand new day
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