544 Part 4 PREQUEL TO HIGH SCHOOL ...

The fact that I was less than three when Grandpa and Janet died, four when a second baby sister arrived, who looked exactly like the first, and not yet five when 6 month old Lauren fell into a coma-like sleep (which traumatized my mother, yet again), inspires me to believe that during this formative stage of my emotional development I became sensitized to the fragility of enjoying the simple securities of life.  Though we all know that horrific turns of events can ring our bell at the spin of a dime, subconsciously traumatized, I held my breath, daily, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and joined the vigil of the other women in our house, who spent every waking moment making sure that no child died on their watch.

However, rather than focusing on my fears, a sense of watchful compassion developed, heeding the needs of others—keep them safe and I'll be safe, too.  As favor smiled down on my need-based, acquired, care taking skills, my ego’s need for attention was satisfied in this convoluted manner:  I'll meet your needs with a smile and in return, all you need do is smile at me.  Ah!  How I love a simple plan!

         In short, any whole-sense-of-self got ‘all screwed up’ in this way: As long as my attachment to selflessness was appreciated, I felt secure.  However, each time I felt unappreciated while ministering to the needs of others, lightening struck my sense of security, causing my strong spirit to hollow out and collapse as fast as a party balloon pops with the prick of a pin.  As all of this took place subconsciously there was no way to know that no matter how many strengths I’d continued to acquire, there’ll be one response that my strengths can't withstand:

Ignore me and watch my spirit collapse as fast as kryptonite weakens Superman’s strengths

         With thoughts of kryptonite in mind, let’s take a peek at two experiences, which will showcase the strengths and vulnerabilities that early childhood tragedy instilled in me.  First, we’ll glance over that kindergarten classroom where the strengths of my spirit effortlessly reassured crying classmates that they’d not been abandoned.  Then, skipping over several years, we’ll peer at me as the new kid in school, who having being bullied, repeatedly, can’t fathom the fact that the heart of the leader of the pack has singled her out as girl friend material .  And thus, before high school begins, it’s easy to see how readily the self-confidence of a sparkling spirit, which splits into two separate parts, can be swiftly shot down.