Upon reflection, what did Annie learn after her defense system pummeled Joseph's fumbling preteen passion? Unfortunately, nothing.
If asked, today, what did Annie need to learn back then, I'd reply, lessons that come once we muster the courage to choose a path where childish defense mechanisms do not block us from maturing into self aware adults ...
Annie needed to learn about dark spots inside her mind where she'd kept secrets from herself, concerning experiences too terrifying to remember with accuracy.
Annie needed to learn how often these haunting specters pummeled her self worth.
Annie needed to experience a series of open sesame moments where insight offered a clear view of experiences that had blocked her from being true to herself for decades.
Annie needed to identify reasons why undeserved guilt had shaped her into such a selfless creature as to set the needs of everyone else above her own.
Annie needed to learn that denial and defensiveness are indivisible. Get a clear view of one and the other appears just like magic. Get a clear view of both and suddenly, the maze of your mind spies a fork in the road, where a new path offers experiences in which distorted visions of self perceptions straighten out, leading you toward discovering unmet needs, languishing within your core, which may have been sensed but not identified ... And once awareness breathes life into these needs, never again can they be dismissed or denied.
Need I remind you that at twelve years old, Joseph and Annie did not know that love in its purest form is less about being appreciated and more about enhancing your appreciation of the positive side of life, generally speaking?
Being twelve years old, Annie and Joseph had not developed the emotional maturity to comprehend that love, in its purest form, creates an active state of compassionate forgiveness.
In lieu of emotional maturity, neither Annie nor Joseph could actively rein in their defensive reactions. Rather than wearing inner sadness, offering forgiveness on our faces, we clung to defensive masks. And thus we were not true to the depth of emotions, hidden within.
Before any person can be true to another, one must muster the courage to confront the depth of turbulent emotions rumbling deep within. At twelve, I could not reveal the depth of my emotion for Joseph without having explored the depth of meaning that our connection had come to mean to me.
At twelve, we had no clue that being appreciated is a passive state, whereas developing an awareness of accepting each other's vulnerabilities challenges an active mind to conjure up positively focused reactions.
At twelve, we had no clue that a person who responds to a negative situation with a hopeful attitude demonstrates a conscious awareness of self control based in a strong sense of emotional maturity.
*If attitude is everything then emotional maturity (self discipline) acts as the hub of a well oiled mind. Another way to say well oiled is—well organized.
A well organized mind does not resemble a junk drawer.
A well organized mind compartmentalizes lessons learned, so that old lessons do not confuse issues, which tend to grow complicated, over time.
A simple example?
When my kids were young I limited (controlled) their intake of cokes at parties.
When my kids were teens, I hoped they'd choose coke more often than beer.
If you think me naive ... I agree :)
On the other hand, I recognized their need to experience lessons in maturing toward self control, just as I did.
Today, in order to live up to my values without awarding myself sainthood, I continue to consciously evaluate choices that life offers me in hopes of living within a set of limits that allow necessary parts of me to breathe as naturally and freely as a responsible ... yet vulnerable ... human being can do—without declaring myself a saint.
If asked which traits act as spokes, attached to this hub of a well organized mind, I'd reply: courage to seek clarity when confusion erupts; humility to see painful truths as they exist; compassion for the plight of those whose needs conflict with my own; generosity of spirit, which extends forgiveness toward those who can not expose vulnerabilities in need of strengthening within.
I believe the need to feel appreciated creates tension.
I believe tension, due to feeling unappreciated, blocks us from loving generously. Once we concentrate on loving rather than on being loved, fear of not being loved enough diminishes. And now that you know why I love wholeheartedly, let me admit this.
This attitude that I've chosen to adopt of loving whole/heartedly rather than than defensively is not easy!!!! It's not passive. This is an active exercise I choose for myself—every day.
If a person hopes to achieve an uncommon level of loving, openly, courageously, honestly and whole/somely— meaning with a greater sense of purity (not to be confused with sainthood) then that person's thought processor (Neo cortex) must gain control over the reptilian, reactive portion of the brain (the amygdala), where ego, fearful memories and negative attitudes reign supreme.
To love generously one must consciously choose to think generous thoughts ...
To think generously one must choose to feel well nourished
To feel generously nourished one's attitude must focus on the positive
To focus on positives that life has offered each of us ...
One must offer others, who love deeply but defensively, the benefit of the doubt ...
We say attitude is everything for this reason:
Attitude shapes what we feel, think and choose to do
Gosh!
You have no clue how long I've been waiting for a vehicle (story line) to pop out on your screen and mine that will express how often both sides of human nature vie for space inside every mind—every day!
Though this next line, found within a fortune cookie, made its way into a previous post, I believe this thought stands repeating—btw this fortune is taped to my computer:
The desire of love is to give; the desire of lust is to get
It takes more courage to love others openly and honestly than to satisfy desire whenever lust raises its head ... and speaking from experience—truer words were never spoken ...
If I could find Joseph, today, I'd apologize for pummeling his fumbling lunge-grab-kiss during our first shared experience of preteen passion.
Standing before Joseph, I'd openly admit to my quest to learn why his lunge-grab-kiss scared me enough to beat the poor guy all around his unsuspecting head. Tried to google him. No luck. No show at any reunion since high school graduation. Can't remember his being at graduation. Remember him wounded in Viet Nam. After seeing him on crutches, I encountered a strange conversation with his mom. That story to come. Some day.
As for now ... in addition to making a conscious effort not to knock anyone else around who may care for me, deeply but quietly, I focus on figuring out why the sudden lunge of a preteen boy scared me so thoroughly as to have made me miss the affection inherent in his impassioned reaction to my answer—yes, I'll go to the party with you—yes, I'll long to run out to meet you and walk with you whenever I can—yes—I'll miss you, forever, because feeling as close to you as I did when I was twelve felt more natural to me that I can describe ... and decades later, I'm still trying to figure out what emotional complexity caused my defense system to strike out instead of simply and naturally kissing you back ...
If life's connective mysteries are in need of sleuths, eager to seek clues that make sense of what, on the surface, seems like nonsense, I am one of those sleuths. Why? Because generally speaking ...
I believe today's mysteries are based in past experiences, which may seem unrelated but, in truth, are interconnected, and that is why I faithfully remain ...
Your detective friend,
:) Annie
PS though you may see my attitude as naive ...
Some how naiveté works wonders for my spirit ...
Especially when I'm not well and my spirit is working to dig itself out of a dark spot by searching for a bright insight that may lighten my mind and warm my heart—when something makes me feel ill or lonely, deep inside ...
