1468A AS MY SELF-DEFEATING FEAR OF REPRESSED ANGER HAS FULLY EMERGED, WHAT NOW?

Each time another unidentified fear, deeply repressed during my youth, begins to
Emerge from subconscious storage, I feel anxious but don't know why until
A conscious stream of insight-laden, intuitive thought, tunneling
Through my mind, shines its spotlight on my need to confront and
Reprocess a specific experience, which originally proved so frightening
And complex as to have left the traumatized brain of a terror-struck child
Feeling miserably confounded by the devastating effects that
Fate's unexpected twists and turns perpetrate upon life and love

As long as emotional trauma remains undiagnosed
The ill effects of PTSD take up permanent residence within
The subconscious portion of a mind that's lost its personal sense of safety

In my case, undiagnosed PTSD sentenced a kind hearted
Three year old child to a lifetime of misperceiving herself to be
So imperfect as to feel unworthy of love unless her
Vigilant attentiveness to fulfill her loved ones' every need
Met with success. (The mere hint of a frown cast in my direction
Served to arouse my unconscious, irrational fear of spending
The rest of my life alone, as if in solitary confinement)

This week, I gained the clarity to spy an inner conflict
Lurking darkly behind my line of self control ...
This inner conflict haunted my subconscious every time
Something aroused my sense of anger to crash into
My repressed fear of feeling unloved unless
My unwavering vigilance consistently fulfilled
My loved ones' desires, suggesting why my heart muscle
Constricted and my think tank felt stuck between
A rock and a hard place whenever my need to voice
The word ... No  ... was met with a frown

Uh ... wait a minute ... today's insight-driven train of thought is
Beginning to feel so complex as to alert my power of intuition to guide
My conscious awareness to publish today's insight, concerning
The disruptive nature of inner conflict, which causes
My voice to choke on fear-based-muscular-tension that constricts
My throat each time I feel need to say: No ... and with that thought in mind
Common sense suggests offering my processor down time to
Absorb today's bite-sized portion of reprocessed information more
Thoroughly than had been possible when I nsight-laden posts had
Run on and on and on ...

You see, by freeing my think tank to process today's brief stream of insights at
A relaxed pace throughout the day and overnight, I believe
The simplicity of this plan will feel so untaxing as to minimize
Mental weariness, thus re-energizing my spirit's smile to sparkle as naturally as
My sense of self-worth can clearly be seen shining serenely forth from
Deep within the well spring of my strong, sensitive, intelligent soul ... Ohhhm

1467V THANK GOODNESS FOR ADDITIONAL INSIGHTS SPOTLIGHTING MY SELF WORTH

Me thinks thee may fare well to
Serenely choose to
Review post 1467U ...
Why?  Well—
Surely thee knoweth the answer to
Today's question as well as doth moi

Mon Dieu, tis thoroughly self liberating to
Landed on my feet feeling well grounded on
The sunny side of the street after having taken so lengthy
A leap of intuitive faith, which this most profound growth spurt
Hath proved to be!  And as Spider-Man awaits
My light-hearted spirit says—ciao for now :)

1467U WEAK LINK CLEARLY SIGHTED, AT LAST!

Please note that my decision to define serenity as a non-combative attitude is in no way synonymous with my spirit's silent submission when undeserved, disrespectful assumptions slam angrily against my best character traits as tends to happen, from time to time.  Why?  Well, upon reflection, my fact checker has sound reason to hold the green-eyed monster accountable for verbal attacks, which, frankly, make little sense.

Furthermore, my decision to infuse my spirit with straight shots of serenity—most  especially at times when another person's explosive release of limbic tension suddenly runs wild—is not to be confused with meekly turning the other cheek in silent acquiescence each time a volley of mean-spirited verbiage is hurtled pointedly in my direction, as proved true in the past.

Once this change for the better in my attitude serves to secure my conscious connection to serenity, my sense of self-empowerment will ensure that, thanks to reprocessing sessions of EMDR therapy, no portion of my awareness will tap into yesteryear's self depreciating misperceptions, which had undermined my personal strengths by unmercifully needling my self worth.

Hey!  Something tells me that my intuitive decision to embrace serenity as my primary attitude of choice has directed insight's spotlight toward highlighting the weak link in my line of control.  I mean, it's one thing to withhold so much anger as to overwhelm my heart with adrenalin (Hello Takotasubo) and quite another to proactively channel my over-production of energy toward soothing my adversary's limbic reaction.

In short, today's burst of clarity has spotlighted three unresolved fears that have restricted my brain's pleasure center from freely embracing this fourth stage of life, which, for the most part, the aged (who tend to grieve prematurely and overlong in regards to inevitable, irretrievable loss), all too sadly fail to enjoy.

As to naming this trio of fears, well, the fact that today's intuitive train of thought has shone its spotlight upon a string of  insights, concerning my need to fortify the link connecting serenity with emotional objectivity, feels so profound as to alert common sense to suggest that your processor, like mine, has been offered more than enough food for thought upon which to ponder, for now.

So rather than pushing forward, let's offer our think tanks the gift of patience needed to relax and rest easy, overnight, in hopes of awakening to embrace a fully re-energized sense of mental readiness to re-charge our eagerness to mine for additional subconscious treasure, which, though buried deep inside, proves more easily assessable each time you and I choose to meet at the corner of Courage and Humility, where personal growth spurts challenge a person's self assured mental awareness to take intuitive leaps of faith, each of which frees a newly reconstructed sense of self worth to smartly direct every step that we take while continuing to carve out our very own existential paths, where self determination is more than likely to influence our fate, which is not as beyond our control as we might think.

BTW, did I think to mention that today's train of intuitive thought alerted my conscious mind to awaken with need to pen this post at 5AM?  And now that my mindful sense of self direction feels ready to send this intuitive train of thought into cyberspace, my think tank feels so relaxed as to freely choose to snuggle back down under our summer quilt and catch up on more shut eye before my spirit reawakens to greet another hot sunny day with a fully re-energized smile regardless of how high the temperature, outside, may rise as proved true as recently as yesterday when the intensity of the heat topped out at a sweltering, mind boggling 118 degrees Fahrenheit!

Good thing my strength of spirit feels newly inspired to entice my expansive mindset to tolerate all kinds of heat, most especially when my sense of objectivity finds itself sitting undeservedly in the hot seat where my dignity and veracity no longer feel so defensively hot blooded as to burn my connection to logic to a crisp when grilled ... and with that positive change in my attitude clearly stated, let's imagine corny 'old' me feeling cool as a cucumber!

Why cool as a cucumber?
Bloomsbury International defines 'cool as a cucumber as:  Internally calm, relaxed and in control of your emotions. This phrase may have originated from the fact that even in hot weather, the inside of cucumbers are approximately 20 degrees cooler than the outside air.

1467T WHAT DOES SERENITY MEAN ... TO ME?

What does serenity mean to me—today?
I've decided to consider serenity an attitude and as such
Serenity, like joy, proves to be an inside job, suggesting that
During times of emotional upheaval it's up to me to self soothe
My spirit's frustration until my current state of mind feels so
Securely rebalanced as to consistently and mindfully embrace
My character as being worthy of love and respect no matter
How many words of exaggerated insult may be aimed angrily
Directly at my bullet proof vest, and having worked to develop
The ability to listen to tantrums with a non-combative attitude of
Calm permeating my sense of wholeness, my attitude
Actually proves agile at switching tracks on the spot from listening
Defensively to listening with a serene sense of self confidence intact while
Hopefully, my well practiced intuitive powers gain insight into
The main source of a person's underlying pain, which having been expressed
As an emotional eruption of limbic anger, has need to lash out before
That person's adversarial attitude feels so thoroughly spent as to
Calm down at least enough to begin to participate in solution-seeking
Discussions that make sound use of common sense, all around ...

And thus does my choice to calmly embrace an attitude of
Personal serenity ensure that my survival instinct will not
Make matters worse by lashing back in defense of my honor, suggesting that
My Line of Control must be fortified by serenity in order to quell
Any response on my part that might otherwise cause
My positively focused hopes and dreams to go up in
A hot air balloon, which may be more likely to pop if
Over blown, defensive reactiveness on both sides usurps control over
The logical portion of two thought processing systems, simultaneously, leaving
Neither one so clear headed as to land us both safely in neutral territory ...

Thank goodness, my think tank has come to acknowledge its
Potential to identify, change and maintain attitudes that
Prove so non-defensive as to free my brain's cognetive awareness to
Focus primarily upon choosing a relaxed stance in regard to
My body language and verbiage in hopes of maintaining my dignity so
Naturally as to gracefully resuscitate a heartfelt sense of
Mutually respectful camaraderie, which, upon smoothing ruffled feathers
Cools down sudden eruptions of hot blooded, negatively focused
Attitudes by way of responding to each misperception cast in
My direction so effortlessly, compassionately and tenderly as to
Soothe limbic reactions until both sides have successfully mollified
Adversarial attacks so as to rebalance a mutually respectful sense of
Decorum, which serves to diminish floods of limbic reactiveness, little by little ...

Though I must admit that maintaining a mindful sense of
Spiritual serenity under fire is not yet easy, I have no doubt that
A person's matured sense of self worth can grow toward
Enticing change for the better to win over disrespect much more often than
Proves true when both sides choose to take sword in hand, fencing
Back and forth, mean spiritedly, and having concluded that
Our world is far too messy for serenity to be fleeting
My intuitive powers have begun to sense my spirit's need to
Coax my mind to consciously call forth serenity to flow freely from
Within the depths of my soul, and on that upbeat note
I'll place my iPad aside in favor of absorbing the relaxing nature of
Rhe Sonoran Desert's sunlit, blue sky as Will, David and I drive home from
Our cabin retreat, sheltered 'neath the forest's tall, green pines, where
To our family's good fortune, we enjoyed this lengthy
Fourth of July weekend away from the sweltering crowd ...

Summer 2017

1467S SERENITY INDEPENDENCE LIBERATION

Serenity prayer:
God grant me the wisdom to change the things I can
The courage to accept the things I can't change
And (the humility to seek)
The wisdom necessary
To know the difference between the two

As the classic nature of today's prayer conjoins with
Yesterday's intuitive train of thought, I wonder if
My desire to infuse my spirit with serenity proves
As much an inside job as has been true of joy, and
With that change in my attitude, simply stated, I wish you
A joyful, serene, self liberating Fourth of July

1467R SERENITY

Once I'd dispatched yesterday's post into cyberspace
Guess whose spirit felt need to pay mine a visit?
Maurice Chevalier's, which, having witnessed
My lament (concerning The Donald's bullish rants) from on high
Decided that two spirits, putting their minds to good use
May be better than one, and as such, his spirit swooped
Down to inspire my spirit's loss of serenity to hold
My self awareness accountable for turning my frown around by
Reminding the conscious portion of my brain to live in the moment and
Then release mental frustration by way of plugging my processor into
Chevalier's good natured spirit, which upon recharging my own, inspires
My conscious awareness to remember this classic, universal fact of life:
What's past is past and the future remains unknown

Next thing I knew, Chavalier's spirit tossed a bouncing ball in the air, and
Lo and behold, my spirit's light hearted smile re-appeared as
These fanciful lyrics danced merrily through the forefront of my mind:
Thank Heaven For Little Girls—They grow up in the most delightful way ...
And since I've been experiencing sound reason to absorb that deeper truth as
My own good luck charm, I've decided to consciously remind myself of
How often Lady Luck has chosen to offer my spirit sound reason to smile thus
Enticing my processor to grow ever more practiced at placing
Fear-based frustration in time out in favor of consciously placing
Positively focused trains of thought in charge of my current state of mind, and
SinceI can feel fear-based irritation, along with Trump's deplorably senseless
Tweets, being sent to sit in time out, my intuitive agility at switching
Mental tracks serves to refocus my mind's eye upon sound reason for
My spirit to enjoy our family's shared delight as we all absorb
The sunny innocence with which Ravi's spirit instinctively
Melts each of our hearts in similar fashion to the grace with which
Flowers, rooted in fertile soil, naturally turn their lovely faces up toward
Captivating the warmth of the sun, and each time I remember to conscientiously
Choose to embrace an attitude that creates a healthy balance between
Sunshine and rain doth my 'technicolored' garden blossom and thrive

Fortunately, today's insight-driven train of thought offers
My conscious awareness sound reason to rejoice over
The classic nature of yet another fact of life:
Though serenity is often fleeting
Joy, being an inside job, can feel inspired to stick around as long as
Mindfulness remembers to consciously encourage
The positively focused side of our attitudes to sustain the good natured
High spirited sense of self, which proves so sensible as to
Follow this next bouncing ball ...

1467 Q INCHING THAT RUBBER TREE FORWARD LITTLE BY LITTLE

Resultant of a string of insights, which managed to slip into
Post 1467 P, overnight, I respect my processor for coming up with
A creative approach to express my sense of outrage, which
For the most part, has remained suppressed behind
My well practiced line of self control, and if you ask me to
Spell out the main source of my anger, I'd say:  T-R-U-M-P
Why?  Because of the deplorable underbelly of
Mean spirited attitudes, which have been unleashed to run wild in
The streets ever since The Donald's supporters began to rally round
The soapbox upon which stands a commander-and-chief whose
Insulting rants, body language and facial expressions model such
Despicable emotional reactiveness as to grow more deplorable than
My processor can stomach and thus do I switch channels as soon as
His presence appears on the TV ... and each time
Our First Lady comes to mind, I can't help but contemplate
The sadness that lurks behind her dispirited smiles, which
Makes me wonder if, on the other side of Melania's wall of denial
Her defense system chose cyber bullying as her personal cause in hopes of
Indirectly shining irony's spotlight upon the man whom she'd vowed to
Have and to hold through (thick and thin—think thick-headed, thinly masked
Deeply insulting, insecure rants) though when push came to shove
We watched her hand refuse to hold his ... and now that
Today's train of thought has served to satisfy my processor's need to
Release inner tension by venting pent up frustration, all I have left to say is ...
Alas!  Serenity!  Wherefore art thou?

PS
I can't wait for the divorce
Think not Melania and The Donald
Think The Donald and the dignity of The Oval Office