449 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 43

“Annie, do you remember any of that?”

“No, Mom.  I only remember whatever you’ve told me over the years.  Had the commotion wakened me, all memory of that traumatic night with Lauren must have burrowed as deeply into my subconscious along with every memory concerning Janet’s life and death.  When I write about strange encounters with Luck, Fate, and Nick, the incredibility of that coincidence will serve as a poignant example of two situations, which, at a glance, look and feel the same but  definitely are not.”

“Wait—you’re going to write about fate, luck and—Nick?  Who’s Nick?”

Smiling mischievously to quell the anxiety, which for some mysterious reason has quickened the beat of my heart, I answer, “Mom, you know Nick ...

448 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 42

42
... While contemplating the sequence of events which had caused every heart in my parents's bedroom to constrict with fear, Mom turns toward me and asks, "Annie—do you remember any of that?”

*As denial's protective wall disconnects our conscious minds from memories, too painful to bear, here is the little that I was able to reveal on that peaceful day when the soothing sway of the swing had cradled us as one ...

447 HONG KONG ... SIXTY NATIONS AND COUNTING!

Let's bid welcome to Hong Kong ... 60 nations and counting!
J

446 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 41

41
... At this point the commotion awakens Aunt Sari, who having fallen asleep on the living room couch, realizes the baby hadn’t awakened for her bottle—so, her alarm rings out along with Mom's and Dad's.

While sitting and swinging, decades later, I try to imagine the mental torment, suffered by my parents while they wait anxiously in our apartment for the bell in the downstairs foyer to ring, signaling the arrival of medical expertise:

Thank G-d, the doctor lives close by, because as soon as he pushes the bell in the foyer, my father, who can barely stand still, rings him in. Then, Dad flings open our apartment's front door and flies across the threshold into the hall to egg on the doctor—who’s bounding up those three flights of stairs, taking two at a time.

Once the doctor sets foot on the third floor landing and locks eyes with Dad's, the pair hurry into the bedroom, where several firemen—one of whom is tending to the baby lying, waxen, on my parents' bed—are gathered round.

As the doctor is far from young, he's huffing and puffing, trying to collect his bearings, when he realizes what's taking place. Next thing we know, he’s lunging at the fireman, who's bending over Lauren, as he yells, “No! Stop!" while shoving the fireman's hand aside. In this way does the doctor forbid the oxygen mask from covering my little sister's delicate nose and mouth.


You see, the doctor has just learned that administering too much oxygen causes blindness in infants. And if Lauren is alive, he's determined to save her eyesight.


Decades later, while sitting, side by side, discussing the hellacious events of that night, my mind soaks in Mom's words:

“Incredibly, Lauren began to stir from that strange, coma-like sleep, which had terrified us, all!  None of us, including the doctor and firemen, had ever heard a more welcome sound than Lauren's indignant cries.  While huddling round, watching her features wrinkle up and her face turn red as angry wails of hunger pumped blood through the vessels of her tiny body, we marveled that something as bizarre as this had happened on the very first night I’d agreed to leave her with anyone!  And thank God the doctor arrived in time, armed with the knowledge that saved her sight.”

“My God, Mom—what a night that must have been for all of you.  In fact, after such a horrendous experience, you must have felt shaken for quite some time.”

“And how!  In fact, it’s impossible to describe how I’d felt.”

Then while the sway of the swing soothes our minds, Mom and I stare into the serenity provided by the presence of Mother Nature’s mountain, rising protectively before us.  And as we contemplate the panic, which had most assuredly caused every heart in that room to constrict, Mom faces me and asks, "Annie—do you remember any of that?”

445 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN—(AT LAST!!!) Part 40

... I plan to write about fear, which arising in the aftermath of Janet's death, narrows my mother's comfort zone, forbidding her from leaving her baby's side for months after Lauren's birth—and rightfully so—until finally, my  father convinces his sweetheart to go out with him, one evening ...

       Imagine the fancy footwork Dad has to do before Mom consents to leave Lauren and four-year old me in Aunt Sari’s care, so they can enjoy some sweetheart time, together.  Later, upon returning to the apartment, Mom finds Aunt Sari fast asleep on the living room couch—so turning herself around, she walks into her bedroom, leans over the crib and looking lovingly at her beautiful, dark haired baby, places her hand on Lauren's back, as is her habit.  Upon feeling no intake or release of air and—as Lauren does not stir, at all, when gently shaken—Mom screams—

“No!  No!  Not again!  Jack!  Jack!”

—At this, Dad drops whatever he's doing, rushes in—takes one look at Mom's stricken face and Lauren's pale, lifeless form— and dashes to the telephone table in the front hall where, fumbling frantically, he deposits a five cent slug into the narrow slot of the phone box—and pacing anxiously, back and forth, he waits impatiently for the operator come on the line.  Upon hearing Dad's urgent pleas for emergency help, the operator connects his calls, first to the fire department, then to the family doctor—because the last time this happened, Dad had been cautioned to call for help rather than driving to the hospital in such an alarmed and distraught state, himself.

Voice shaking with fear, Jack recites our address, hangs up and runs back to his wife and child.  And seeing Lauren—whose long lashed, hazel eyes have yet to open—lying limp in Mom’s terrified arms—terrifies Dad, as well.

Though you might think I'd say:  I can't fathom the depth of their terror—that would not be true ...

444 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 39

As hard as it is for me to believe, my generation will be old—in a blink. And I fear that many of our leaders, who captain our ship, today, have grown too rich to understand the desperation of unmet needs, which cause The 99%, who work so hard to make ends meet, to rock our boat.  If we don’t open our eyes, the iceberg lies directly ahead.  Sounds negatively, focused, right Mom?”

“Well, if you’re concentrating on downhill spirals, the fall of Rome, chopping off heads and sinking ships, that doesn’t sound very positive, Annie.”

“There’s a huge difference between focusing on the negative—and identifying how our values have shifted.  I listen to people say:  We have no values, today.  That’s not true.  *We always have values—they just change—especially when fear or desperation sets in.  (Think our war for independence or the play, LES MISERABLE). If we look back into history (learn from history or repeat it) then we can see the classic downhill pattern within which every world power cycles when strengths hollow out and the fury of have-nots, too long ignored, erupts, and power changes hands, at last.

Today, we've reached the point in that classic cycle where our value of big bucks has stepped on the toes of too many have-nots with utter disregard for brotherhood, which breeds compassion for the downtrodden.  Rather than honoring teachers, police, firemen, and nurses, we worship sports heroes, rock stars, rich dudes, designer duds, bags, shoes, fast foods and fast fixes.  Athletic arenas, Maxi-theaters and shopping malls are our houses of worship. And on those rare occasions when we leave the mall and venture into the park, longing for a peaceful place to commune with nature, we fear getting mugged.

 So here’s my point:  High principled values can’t be taught.  Responsible values must be modeled, day after day, in home after home.  And here’s what I find really scary, Mom ... Most of us think we're doing exactly that, but, all too often, we're not. *Our present set of values has been undermining the strength of our nation, which depends upon balance, for at least fifty years. (A detailed account about that, later.)


In fact, while you and I sit swinging, side by side, feeling secure…  we worry about terrorists, while, in truth, our nation is steadily self-destructing from within. When I think about leadership creating Homeland Security, I see the need for family leaders to learn how to set egos aside in hopes of establishing a sense of emotional security for each child by role modeling solid values in home after home. A child's role models must recognize where they are NOT setting a high value on honesty, self control, mutual respect, and generosity of spirit toward each family member.

*I see the family as a microcosm of society at large. Children who are inspired to develop a deep sense of respect for each other, while resolving conflicts at home, transfer that skill to resolving conflicts, which are bound to arise, as one culture connects with the next.  In short, conflicting needs continue to clash until differences are thoughtfully and compassionately worked out. Reality suggests that as issues, due to cultural differences, arise, assimilation demands astute thinking, listening and speaking skills on both sides.  As change takes time and education, minds on both sides must open to the necessity of ironing out misperceptions as well as corruption, which arise for this classic reason:  *Human nature has two sides!  Any process of assimilating patterns of thought requires more time and patience than emotional reactiveness allows.  *It's imperative to note that the same problems arise with each culture that emigrates to another nation ... Jewish immigrants worked in the garment industry sweat shops of N.Y.  Irish maids scrubbed the floors in Boston.  Russian chemists flipped burgers at Mc Donald's.  Hispanic parents work hard to offer their children a step up from poverty ... Beginning with immigrants dominating Native American's, one power will deny the powers of another—just as one tribe enslaved another before pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock.  Before African Americans were enslaved.  One glance through history, which whisks us into today shows the classic nature of man's inhumanity to man ... woman's to woman ... and if you've not yet read the series of posts, entitled, BULLY FOR ME, you might want to scroll back to see why I say there's nothing new about bullying, which continues to terrorize the minds of children in our schools, today.


Something inside me shudders when I hear people say that as long as our leaders lead our nation well, it doesn't matter if they cheat and lie to loved ones at home.  That seems naive to me for this reason:  *Why would we expect those, who gratify self absorbed needs by lying to and cheating on loved ones to  to be above lying to and cheating on us?  *Living up to high principled values starts at home,  my friends.

How often do we react as blindly as scared-silly sheep, following the leader of a herd, who is stubbornly stampeding toward the edge of a cliff ...?

*Seriously, leadership, on every level preaches a good game while, in truth, we're placing blinders over green-eyed envy or greed, while lusting after immediate gratification. *It's amazing how swiftly the tides of solid, high principled values can hollow out and collapse, thus allowing sordid values to slip in and blow themselves up, like balloons, easily pricked with a pin. And if you ask, Annie, how do changes like this take place within high principled minds, I'd respond with that one word, which you may be sick of 'hearing' by now:

Denial.


*In order for a high minded person to lie to you, a slippery ego must, first, lie to oneself. Ass nary a person, who stands before you, is born without an ego, that makes me ask: Do you know when your ego slips out to do your thinking, listening and speaking?  Do you know how your defense mechanisms try to cover your tracks after you meet your needs in manipulative ways?  Do you know that the ego is especially slippery at those times when the truth weighs too heavy to bear?  Or when the truth feels too sordid to bare?  Do you know when your ego employs it's army of defense mechanisms to build a shield, which layers up, over time, until we can't feel compassion for those we've betrayed?  Do you know the reason why you can't hear how clearly another expresses his needs?  Have you checked to see whether your ears have been closed by thick skin, which has callused up?  If you believe that people (children) cry, rant, rail, rebel or depress for no good reason then you are sadly misleading yourself.  People of all ages cry, rant, rail, rebel, or depress when a barrage of confusion, frustration, and mixed messaged tension—all of which accompanies every clash of needs—whether cultural or within your home—is in need of lucid thinking/listening/speaking skills.  I mean, whom do we expect our children to emulate when social skills at home grow—lax ... ?

443 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 38

Swinging ...

"You know what, Mom?  I've noticed something— whenever my mind is busy, expressing thoughts aloud, my understanding of insights tends to deepen as I speak.  For example, once, when asked what I think about the fact that opposites attract, this train of thought emerged, word by word:

Mother Nature doesn't draw opposites, magnetically together, to change one another.

*Mother Nature creates chemistry between people with different life experiences for this reason: As different viewpoints are expressed, we are given opportunities to learn from each other.  And when we take turns inspiring each other's tunnel vision to expand, personal growth takes place, on both sides, over time.


*Needless to say, this exchange of knowledge, which promotes enrichment on both sides, can only take place when two people work toward focusing their attitudes upon gaining insight into resolving conflicts trustfully and thus respectfully—for this reason:  In order for conflict resolution to move forward in an emotionally calm, mature, and positively focused direction, both minds must feel safe in an environment, which proves conducive to productive thought processing.  When the mind does not feel safe, emotional static interfers with productive thought processing.  

If asked why peaceable conflict resolution seems to happen so rarely, I'd reply:  *Rather than offering insights in an encouraging manner, attitudes tend to lean toward impatience, which seem judgmental and feel disrespectful, though in truth, a person's impatience may reflect a deep sense of frustration.


When that which is said is misperceived as a negative put down, insecurity picks up it's head. As soon as the listener's ego feels wounded, trust diminishes and a shield of self protective defensiveness rises. *At this point, the ego's basic instinct fires off a bell of alarm, causing the brain to flood with three choices: fight, flee—or if too stunned to do either—just freeze. And thus is it ieasy to see the suddeness with which positively focused, productive connections between two thought processors break down.

*When negatively focused, impatient attitudes speak, too often, to children, we 'learn' to listen anxiously.


*Eventually, our habit of listening fearfully/defensively runs interference with tuning into clarity.  Rather than hearing the true meaning of what's actually being said, our protective shield of defensiveness turns a deaf ear.  As soon as we feel insulted, our minds clog with static and we tune out.  And now you know why our listening skills are, so often, in serious need of a tune up.


*Once the ego has tuned out to whatever the speaker is attempting to convey, a thought processor, bristling with emotional static, can't differentiate between one's own misperceived projection of criticism vs. the well groomed nature of a soothing voice, attempting to converse with common sense intact.


An insecure ego also tends to miss this point:  *When two people bring opposite strengths to their relationship, the strength of the household doubles—unless one or both have developed the habit of targeting the vulnerabilities of others with passive aggressive put downs, as in: I'll reject you before you can even think to reject me.


Mind games, absorbed unknowingly as children, drive loving relationships ever more deeply into a dark maze, where trust is easily spooked until a mind, seeking clarity, feels at it's wits end and jumps off a cliff—or finally yells ENOUGH!!—I'M THROUGH TRYING TO GET THROUGH TO YOU!!  This final declaration of frustration may be expelled LOUDLY!  Or, as words have not penetrated the solid nature of the  listener's defensive wall, the person, most determined to remain attached to clarity, may maintain self control and utter those last words, silently, as the case may be.


When the person, who's had 'ENOUGH!' is me, I'll express my need to separate from the-never-ending maze by saying:
"As these conversations resolve nothing and thus serve no purpose other than venting, and as solving nothing stirs my frustration into angst, I can't participate in conflict resolution with you, anymore.  You see, unresolved frustration grows into anger, over time.  And as I've made a pact with myself to maintain high levels of self control, repressing a growing sense of anger does not promote a healthy state of mind.  And if, after I step back from conversations, concerning conflict resolution, with you, you tend to become passive aggressive with me, then I'll continue to step back until I find a safe and peaceful place to release the angst that I choose not to fling at you."


With the passage of time, silence may say more than any words, spoken carefully, thoughtfully, compassionately, for years, had been able to convey. Game over. New game:  If your ego needs to wear a defensive mask of denial while whispering subtle put downs into my ear, today, then watch me conserve my energy and save my breath, or answer any passive aggressive comment with clarity's solid connection to logic. Once I understand insecurity's need to own the high road, I'll change direction and carve out a productively peaceful path of my own. *If the stubborn nature of denial's stance continues to offer me the pretense of supportive friendship then watch me be neither diminished nor naive.  I did not choose to absorb listening and speaking skills for the past forty years to spend whatever years I have left wandering through an emotional maze with loved ones whose fears drive them crazy enough to keep their heads buried in the sand.  *Rather than filling my ears with sand—err make that static—I still choose to spend my adult years filling my mind with knowledge in hopes of absorbing communication skills, which inspire me to remain sane!  

"Initially, I did not think to seek out, absorb, role model or impart effective communications to anyone except my kids. Then, as one peaceful negotiation followed another, the mom-in-me rejoiced while the teacher-in-me grew eager to share insight into conflict resolution everywhere I went.  *I mean, who wouldn't want to stop yelling in insulting ways at the people with whom we live and love most of all?

*The more knowledge my mind absorbed, the greater my passion to dispel misperceptions, which cast spells on the nimble, impressionable minds of children, thus turning bright, young minds into grumpy-rebellious young hellions or sticks-in-the-mud, who have no clue of how often they wallow—privately—in deep wells of narrow minded defensiveness as life moves from stage—to stage.


We often can't see ourselves as we are, most especially during times when basic needs are in conflict. And as love is blind, we often fail to see loved ones, clearly, as well.  *The reason it's so hard to connect with clarity is because we can't see what we're in denial about unless we learn how to sit our egos in hopes of opening our minds to absorb guidance from a person whose listening and speaking skills remain astutely on target."

When I hear ...

Leopards can't change their spots

I say:

People aren't leopards

In fact, comparing people to leopards

Is like comparing apples to oranges

Just as we're mistaken when comparing one fruit to another

We're mistaken when comparing people to leopards

Because leopards don't have a Neocortex and people do!

When I hear ...

Old dogs can't learn new tricks

I say:

Old dogs can't turn into cats

Old dogs can't learn to meow

But old dogs, rescued by compassionate hearts

Can and do learn to pay mind

To being led by one who guides

Patiently, consistently and calmly

By way of insight into common sense rather

When I hear:

People can't change

I say:  Baloney!

Though oranges can't become apples

Both can fall off the tree of life and dry up, too soon

Or both can drink from the tree of knowledge

And grow as sweet and juicy

As plums, which, like all fruits

Continue to ripen—each in its own good time

If asked

Why I believe people can change

I say:

Two sides exist within every mind

The ego dominates trains of thought on one side

While deep wells of knowledge connect the dots on the other

Judge too quickly—

Watch the ego come out to 'play games'

Think before you speak—

Watch insight into the power of knowledge

Soothe conflict away

Now, let's change the word change to grow

And watch the narrow scope of

Tunnel-visioned attitudes—

Expand ...

Needless to say ...

A wounded ego

Hides behind a super-sized persona

Which becomes as tough as a nut to crack

Why?  Because ...

Behind each person's false front

Layers of insecurity

Thicken up, like walnut shells over time

So ... those with reason to develop

A super-duper persona

Hide more subconscious anxiety

From—themselves

Than those who learn to crack their shells

And accept inevitable changes

Resulting from irretrievable loss

As life moves from stage to stage

Whew!  Quite a mouthful of insights lining up!

As every insight makes sense to me—

May I suggest tracking each train of thought separately?

Oftimes, denial closes our minds

Until we hit bottom

At which time our shells crack

And as anesthetized pain springs back to life

We may finally hear ourselves say:

Holy smokes!  This hurts worse than ever before!

Something's gotta CHANGE!

One more thing:

If people are not leopards, dogs, cats or fruit

Then what the heck are we?

Well, if you ask me what I think

Here is what I'd say:

People are living creatures

With higher brain capacity

For listening, thinking, and speaking skills to develop

Which means we've been gifted

With the potential

To soak up knowledge, like sponges

And I write, day after day

In hopes of inspiring you

To open Mother Nature's wondrous gift and think out of the box

Because—you must know what's coming next ...

To sponge up knowledge, think out of the box

And grow wiser—or not

Is a matter of personal—choice!

And whatever you chose to perceive, yesterday

Can change by way of insight—today!

If not today then—

Hope springs eternal for—

Tomorrow ... which is only ...

J

PS

Please remember this:

The one thing I won't do

Is to allow myself to be sucked back into

THE MAZE—

On the other hand ...

If I am sucked back in

Do not expect me to 'play games' for long

So, each time your words show me
How deeply entrenched you are
Within a mind maze of your own

Here is why I may choose to grow silent
And share my thoughts elsewhere:

I have grown careful of being snared into conversations

Which consistently block all attempt at insight into clarity

And so, if you continue tuning into each story
As each one unfolds, post by post

You may come to see how self awareness

Will, one day, save my spirit from feeling sucked dry
By a mind maze, which had once
Vacuumed up my sense of clarity
Thus leaving me plugged into hot spots of nonsense

Rather than plugging my mind into insight
Which fills my mind with clarity into reality
And once insight, clarity and reality fall into line

Peace of mind is mine—and ...

My mind can rest—at least for a while ...
Oh—by the way, you may be relieved to know
That my train of thought
Is chugging toward the station
Where the reason for this title:
NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! 
Is close to emerging—at last!

J