387 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 3

3

While nestling comfortably beside me on the swing, Mom’s memory sweeps over these momentous dates:  “Grandpa died in July of 1946; I gave birth to Janet two months later, on September 4^th; then she died on November 23^rd  and  …”

 “What?” I exclaim, head spinning toward Mom, my foot stopping the swing with a jolt, “November 23^rd?”   “Mom—that means Janet died on your wedding anniversary.”

“Yes, Annie.  Janet died on our fifth anniversary.”

“Then every time you and Dad celebrated your anniversary for the next 55 years, you’d renew the pain of Janet's loss. Oh Mom—the more you tell me, the sadder this gets.”

(Upon reflection, we now know the reason why Jack had been planning a romantic surprise for his sweetheart, Jennie ... until they found Janet...)
Man plans and God laughs ... or sighs ... Because who knows better than 'the all-knowing' how often inner conflict invades peace of mind.

386 GUESS WHO'S BIRTHDAY??? :-)

Today is February 7, 2012
Guess who was born on February 7, 2011?
Well, in the interest of clarity, let's change who to what
Guess what I gave birth to one year ago, today?
Let's wish a very happy first birthday to my blog!
7112 (???)
J

385 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 2

Five and a half decades after Janet’s death, my mother and I sit, side by side, on the double porch swing, which hangs from ropes, fastened to the ceiling of my back yard patio. While rocking, peacefully, gazing beyond the tallest peak of 'my' mountain, which rises magestically into the expanse of the desert's brilliant, blue sky, I'm listening intently to Mom, describing her depression, following Janet’s disappearance.  I remember asking, “Mom, who took care of me? Grandma Ella?”

For a moment, my question sweeps my mother’s thoughts into that sorrowful time.  Then, as her mind re-engages with the present, Mom's soft, brown eyes turn toward mine, and taking my hand in hers, my beautiful, newly widowed, white haired, close friend replies, “I really don’t remember who took care of you, Annie. We were all in a state of shock.  I think you were taken to Grandma B’s.”

“But, Mom, Janet’s death was only four months after Grandpa's massive, heart attack.  Grandma B must have been in deep mourning, because Grandpa’s sudden death, at fifty-two, was utterly unexpected.  I remember Dad telling me how much Grandma had adored Grandpa.  That her life had revolved around his.  The fact that two, shocking deaths hit everyone in our close knit family in a matter of weeks suggests that tremendous shock waves of grief must have engulfed everyone in Grandma B's house right before deeply painful changes hit our own.”

Nodding her head in thoughtful agreement, Mom’s eyes look troubled and while gazing faraway, she continues, “That was a terribly sad year for everyone in our extended family.”

“Mom, think of the heavy burden Dad must have carried after losing his father and daughter, so abruptly.   Aunt Sari and Aunt Risa were single, young women, who being in their early twenties, lived at home with Grandma B.  Grandpa’s death made Dad the head of both households and the family business, as well.  When did he have time to grieve for either loss?  After Janet’s death, where did Dad pack his grief when he left the apartment, each morning, and arrived at his place of business, which he'd run with his dad?"

As we continue gliding back and forth, the even cadence of the swing feels as soothing as a balm, washing over an old wound, which I’d never realized had been in need of healing within—me.  Until that moment, I'd considered my Grandpa's death and Janet's death my parents' loss.  While my mother and I share these solemn moments of companionable silence, my perceptions sharpen, and my train of thought expands: “There’s so much we don’t know about our parents’ lives.  So much we don’t understand about the under currents, which influence our earliest years of development.”  At this point, Mom goes on to say that Janet’s tiny coffin had been placed at the foot of Grandpa’s brand new grave—then her memory jogs and releases this long-forgotten fact:  “No.  Wait.  I just remembered that Janet had her own grave.  Near Grandpa’s.  I remember a small headstone with a bird in flight—as though, one day, Janet had simply flown away.

Still nestling comfortably beside me on the swing, Mom’s memory sweeps over this series of momentous dates:  “Grandpa died in July of 1946; I gave birth to Janet several weeks later on September 4^th; then she died on November 23^rd  and  …”

 “What?” I blurt out, interrupting Mom's musings; my head spins to face her; my foot hits the cool deck; the swing stops with a jolt! “November 23^rd?”  Oh my God, Mom ... I never knew Janet died on November 23rd! How awful!— 

384 THAILAND ... 46 AND COUNTING ...

Let's bid welcome to Thailand!
46 and counting ...
J

383 MY SPIRIT IS SOARING ... PLEASURE AWAITS ...

2012
We have a great weekend coming up
A birthday celebration
Loved ones will be sleeping all over our house
The guest room will be busy
The Murphy bed in the office is made up
The living room couch will do double duty as one more bed
As for me, I plan to put on my party hat
I'm planning to enjoy these festivities too much to write about the past
(You know I put stock into organized plans and needless to say
I certainly hope that all of our plans for this weekend
Unfold without a hitch.  Time will tell.  PS—flexibility is part of my plan.)
As I plan to rest my mind so my spirit just ... soars
Perhaps I'll take a break from posting—then again, who knows?
If I take a break, perhaps life is offering you an opportunity
To catch up on earlier stories
Which you may not have had time to read, as of yet
Once again, I believe it's important to note
That lots of insights lead to each epiphany
Which liberates my mind from stress
On the other hand, here is why
Liberating my mind from stress
Does not mean I am free and clear of inner conflict:
Liberating my mind from stress
Suggests that I've developed the patience
To set aside whatever conflict life is currently challenging me
To comprehend, more deeply—at least for these next few days
Because the fridge needs to be stocked
Before planes in the air touch down, later today
And I want to feel free to laugh and hug loved ones close
As soon as their feet step upon solid ground
As I'm excited about this gala weekend getting underway
I need to run and leave conflict resolution for another day
And since I'm smiling, through and through
In anticipation of the pleasures that await
I'll plan to see you on Monday unless—
Oh wait!  If you go back to posts from the past
I hope you'll keep this thought in mind:

Whenever time permits, I go back to edit early posts in need of clarity

As I've been too busy to do that in recent months

I may have left off with post 43

So if certain thoughts in early posts remain unclear

I hope you'll cut me some slack ...

As for now, it's party time—Ta Ta!
(Whatever that means!)
J

382 NO! NO! NOT AGAIN!!! Part 1

The months following Lauren’s birth pass, cautiously, uneventfully, even cheerfully until one evening, when Dad, finally, convinces Mom to leave her two, small, healthy daughters in the care of his sister, our adoring aunt, so he and his sweetheart can enjoy each other’s company away from the family.  My aunt, the elder of Dad's two kid sisters, is not chosen as caretaker, because Mom has lost trust in Grandma.  Grandma is wintering in Miami Beach, at home, with her eldest son's family as is her habit.

When my parents return at about 11PM, Mom makes a beeline for her bedroom, leans over the railing of the crib and places her palm, lightly, on her infant daughter's back to make certain that Lauren is breathing.  This is Mom's habit—several times during each of my sister's naps.  *Subconscious fear never strays from the conscious mind.

Each night, Mom pulls my sister's crib snugly against her side of the double bed, which she shares with Dad.  Through the night, Mom sleeps lightly, facing Lauren, with one arm between the slats of the crib. In this way her hand, resting protectively on her infant's back, rises and falls gently in time with Lauren's intake and exhale of breath. Each morning, before making the bed, Mom pushes the crib back to the wall.  *When fear runs the show, inner peace is displaced by a push, pull, push, pull reaction, which hits a wall, indefinitely.
In retrospect, Dad must be quite convincing to get Mom to leave the house while Lauren is sound asleep.  Does Mom enjoy a rollicking good time or do nerves get the best of her?  Upon returning home, later in the evening, a coincidence occurs, which provides us with three insights:

—Everything happens for a reason, but not necessarily for a ‘good’ reason.

—Two situations, which, at first glance, seem exactly the same, may prove clearly dissimilar once the surface is pierced and details distinguish one experience from the other.

—No matter our most valiant efforts to understand conception, life, love, friendship, luck, fate, human nature, justice, illness, death, innate intelligence and the impassioned sensitivities of human emotion, unnerving mysteries prevail.  Knowing this, we tread carefully until a leap of faith proves vital to personal growth.

            Before I describe the arcane set of events, which are about to terrify and mystify my parents, please note that this story is not meant to provide insight into the existence of a protective or wrathful God.  In fact, for the most part, my stories do not express my beliefs about God or insight into the meaning of life and death.

            My purpose in writing this saga expresses this belief:  Much of what we consider to be resultant of fate proves to be a combination of fate, luck, wit and choice.  My stories showcase vulnerabilities and potential strengths, which are inherent in the men, women, and children, who keep America strong by remaining attached to solid principles, heartfelt values, and moral fiber, no matter what goes awry.
          *This saga is my heartfelt attempt to explain the profound affect that both sides of human nature have on the mind's innate potential to solve personal problems by tunneling toward insights until deeper truths emerge.  *Each time a deeper truth clarifies in 3D, my perceptions sharpen. With sharpened perception, insights create a chain reaction, which expands my train of thought until epiphany illuminates the light at the end of a tunnel, whereby my mind switches tracks.  In most cases, epiphany catalyzes a change in direction, in this manner:  Time spent in quiet reflection strikes a match with insight. This match between reflection and insight ignites an electrical surge within my mind that sparks my thought processor to stand up attentively and assemble details, which broaden my scope.  Eventually, I sense the bigger picture, which, in lieu of the chain reaction, had gone unseen.  *At this point, while making good use of my intelligence and mustering the patience to see what develops, concerning the bigger picture, I watch the sum of my strengths work in tandem.  And thus, rather than surviving, blindly, in Denialand after tragedy strikes, my mind, heart and spirit learn to thrive, more wholly than ever before.  Whew!  You might want to read that twice.  I know I did!  Needless to say, my reactions had been quite different before I chose to walk this path of self awareness.  *In short, you and I are in the process of watching me train my brain to place intelligence in control of defensive impulses, which subconscious fears ignite, naturally, within us all.

            Each time you watch me bare another deeply personal revelation, I'll be shining a spotlight on this belief:  *Our hearts are meant to flourish, soar and love deeply.  However, our ability to achieve this 'state of being' relies upon filling our minds with knowledge that supports generosity of spirit.  As generosity of spirit relies upon the adoption of positively focused thoughts, a bevy of fully baked,  strengths must work to penetrate defensive walls before the Neo cortex can hope to recognize unmet needs.  If you asked:  What can we expect to happen when unmet needs remain unidentified?  I'd respond:  When needs are blocked by defensive walls, inconsistencies lay in wait to be uncovered at our core. Once personal strengths nourish unmet needs, a person's innate potential for success in many aspects of life may be explored.  Double whew!

           As parents in my classes become acquainted with five tools, which provide me with problem solving success—more often than not, many feel encouraged to adopt and role model open-minded attitudes during the crucial years of their children’s development.  While brainstorming in a mutually supportive environment, we touch upon each person's need to recognize and modify negatively focused insecurities, which create fearful attitudes, perceptions, judgments and actions, many of which prove inconsistent with reality.  As adults grow self aware and work toward consistency in terms of self improvement, it’s likely that, over time, offspring will mimic open-minded, heartfelt priorities and high-principled values, which build high self esteem, all around.  (In keeping with: 'Out of the mouths of babes' and 'truer words were never spoken':  I remember my oldest child suggesting … “Mom, I think everything you’re learning to strengthen us is rubbing off on you, too.”  RR&R)  As you shall see, it has been my habit to discuss my goals for our family  with my family.  It's also my habit to listen, attentively, when my offspring set personal goals, which differ from those I have in mind.  This is the stuff that strengthens mutual respect.

If we hope to raise today's children in a nation, which adheres to high-principled values, then adults would be wise to identify and tame their own self indulgent, egocentric (insecure) traits, so that we, who raise the future leaders of America, inject traits like—kindness, compassion, generosity, courage, humility, open-minded accountability, and the natural high of exuberant joy—into attitudes role modeled at home.  It's one thing to invest our lives with a creative, childlike sense of wonder.  It's another to be childish.  As our minds absorb strings of insights, which make good use of our intelligence, we differentiate between the two and tend to practice what we preach.  Over all, experience suggests that developing the ability to prioritize emotionally mature values, with consistency, is not for sissies.
Presently we're watching our nation endure the consequences of THE ME GENERATION. Currently, we're experiencing the results of having swerved off center to feed our desire for IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION.  As a result of what we've brought upon ourselves, the older generation looks to younger leaders to bale us out.  What makes me say this?  In many aspects of life, today's youth watch adults breaking one golden rule after another. When heads shake and people wonder aloud: What's wrong with today's youth? ... I hope we'll remove our blinders and make our way out of Denialand, really soon!  In short, many children have been short changed by leaders in all walks of life, who've continued to close their eyes to this fact: At the onset of the sixties, a significant change occurred.  This change propelled adults to wander down a path and into a maze, which has off-handedly offered our youngsters' minds a badly nourished, FAST FOOD NATION. In short, as the values of baby boomers altered in injurious ways, we've saddled our young with lots of spills to mop up.  If the mind is a sponge, then much of today's shallowness, which we've soaked in, is in need of change. Having wandered this deeply into Denialand, the time for change proves to be NOW—or else!  When I implore—Change now or else?—what does that mean?  If many of us who make up the bell shaped curve don't change our attitudes, soon, Jack and Jill will keep sliding downhill.  In short, lasting change for the better always depends upon attitude and timing for this reason:  Attitude and timing are everything.  Therefore, if each one does not accept responsibility for that which has undermined the strength of our families, our great nation will surely fall, as did Rome.  More about facing that portion of REALITY's bigger picture at such time when those insights swarm into my mind.
            As an adult, parent and teacher, I recognize and embrace my role as a leader of youth.  Knowing that no other person can lead me toward treading an open minded, patient path in terms of personal growth, I work to empower myself .  If asked how one works to create lasting change in oneself, here is what I'd say:  Embrace the value of objective reflection.  Why?  *In the absence of objectivity, self awareness is obliterated.  In lieu of objective reflection, we have no clue of what we need to change.  In lieu of objective reflection, we point fingers of blame at others.
Recently, a wise person offered this insight to me:  *"Personal strengths provide us with a sense of safety.  For a child, the parent provides the strength and thus the safety."   As each generation confers the baton of leadership on to our children, the older generation always depends upon empowering offspring to lead us to safety during our golden years.  And so it goes ... with one hitch:  *If we want our offspring to grow toward high levels of maturity, guess who must adopt realistic attitudes and rebalanced views?   If we want our nation to make it's way out of this maze of our own making, guess who must embrace Golden Rules?  *If today is the first day of the rest of our lives, then common sense suggests that passing the buck stops here.

 Just as ‘monkey-see-monkey-do' is born with the innate potential to grow wiser today than yesterday, open-minded adults approach countless forks in the road where each may  choose to carve new channels of thought, regardless of age.    *As seeing is believing, it's my plan to spotlighting insights, such as these, in stories to come, so you can see how my escape from Denialand was achieved. Ever since my quest for self awareness began, I've spied forks in the road, which provide me with opportunities to revisit mistakes and go back to the drawing board as life unfolds.  As you can imagine, I never find life boring.  Not even when serious injury kept me bed bound for more than a year.  Think to know me?  Wait a bit.  Take another look and think again.  Think to know yourself?  Take a deeper look and think again.  Why?  Nothing alive stays the same, very long.  Everything that lives grows and thrives or shrivels,  shrinks and dies.  Our spirits and minds are alive.  When was the last time you checked out the state of your attitudes, which fuel your spirit?  Are you surviving?  Or thriving?  Stuck in the muck?  Inching forward?  Leaping across chasms (caused by the erosion of fear), or are you fooled by the myth of movement, described in a previous post?  Does some portion of your awareness hide out in Denialand or are you consciously tuning into reality?  In one way or another we all need to restart some aspect of retarded development. Unfortunately, the kind of jumpstart that expands our vision usually requires some form of shock therapy.  You know, like jolts of emotional chemotherapy.  Sorry folks.  I wish that was not so.  But it is. Why?  Well, my friends ... That's life.  And no one said life is fair.  If you hold grudges about that which feels unfair, guess which attitude is most in need of change?

When I reflect upon that which fate has in store for my parents on this night when Dad finally persuades Mom to have some fun and leave Lauren and me in the hands of fate, I’m reminded of how courageous our spirits must be to weather the whiplash of life’s sudden storms and how hard the mind must work to accept scary mysteries, which go unsolved …

If this post is in need of editing, please bear with me for a while. Somehow, my head is tired. I wonder why that's so ... ;-)

381. ARGENTINA

Let's bid welcome to Argentina!
45 nations and counting ...
:-)