Yesterday felt very strange. Unnerving me.
Will had a Moh’s surgery scheduled (for a basal skin cancer), which saw him gone from our home for about three and a half hours. Over most of that time, I felt fine. Then, while attending to my grooming routine, I stared into my mirror and felt a sudden sense of dependency wash over me that felt so overwhelming as to sever my connection to positive focus, leaving me feeling so fragile as to fear the vulnerable state that I’ve been in ever since sudden drops in my blood pressure, due to orthostatic hypotension, have limited my ability to get from one room to another within our home. And as if a vessel within me had sprung a leak, my eyes filled with unshed tears, which had remained blocked behind my wall of denial ever since we received the shocking call concerning our nephew’s sudden death. It’s as if, yesterday, Shawn’s death and my dependency became real. To me.
Thankfully, my identification with personal fragility was short lived, as within minutes of the emergence of raw vulnerability, Will returned from the dermatologist’s office with a large white bandage covering most of his nose. And the first thing my husband did upon entering our home was to make certain that I had water to drink (as my cardiologist said that hydration and salt were vital components to increasing my low blood pressure), leaving me feeling more acutely aware than ever before of Will taking care of me when I’d felt need to take care of him. Within minutes of my being in Will’s nurturing presence, my anxiety transformed into a natural feeling of personal well being, and though my sense of reality remains clear, my awareness of dependency is not scaring me, because I’ve learned to live in the moment, and from moment to moment as each day goes by, I feel improvement concerning my physical recovery from lung surgery snailing forward. As to my orthostatic hypotension, that’s still a mystery, which is why my autonomic nervous system will be tested at Mayo on Friday. And with positive focus buoying my spirit, enough said for today.
🍎🍯🔆Annie
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