Friday, April 24, 2020

ANSWERS TO QUESTIONS ASKED BY MY FRIEND, WHICH I FORGOT TO ANSWER

My friend, Barb, asked if I was surprised at who’d not shown up when my cancer was diagnosed.  My reply—I have no clue who would have stepped back had I not emailed the news to my dearest friends, who, over these past 76 years, number many.  I believe my keep-in-contact character trait was born when my grandfather and baby sister died, six weeks apart, and I grew up to be subconsciously afraid of loved ones disappearing without a trace if I didn’t keep close tabs on them.  Needless to say, in the absence of astute therapy, I’d have developed no clue as to where, when and why many of my personal strengths and vulnerabilities originated.

My friend Barb asked if I’d felt need to connect with lung cancer survivors—my reply—
By the time I was diagnosed at 75, Will had recovered from cancer as had so many of our dear friends that they (and our sons) formed the core of my expansive support group, and perhaps the fact that my friendships are peopled with so many survivors offers the primary reason as to why my spirit, feeling securely cushioned and encircled right from the start, continues to feel buoyed on the wings of love from the inside out straight through to and inclusive of today.



Interestingly, it was not during times of life threatening illness that saw me shocked at those who’d not rallied round.  It was during a time of pain-wracked personal growth, close to 30 years ago, when Will and I’d separated for several months that back handed gossip got back to me (as it always does) concerning rumors, which had offered falsehoods that had directly opposed the truth, letting me know who my true friends were and were not, as some chose to put me down, pour salt into my wounds and ice me out when my vulnerability was rawly exposed, and as healing from that unexpected experience provided quite the painful eye-opener concerning human nature, from then on, my choice of friends narrowed to those whom I’d respectfully chosen rather than harboring immature need to be amongst the chosen.

As a matter of fact, my current circle of friends is not a circle, at all.  My friendships are peopled by individuals, who, being active in large social circles, appeal to Will or to me or to both of us as being unique in some way that, for sound reason, we’ve come to respect, admire and love.  And thus is our current circle of friends of our own choosing.

About twenty five years ago, I initiated the formation of a neighborhood book group, born of my desire to befriend neighbors, who’d naturally ‘thunk deep’, and over time, our circle, which gathers on Mondays, grew so expansive as to have lost the intimacy that I’d originally craved, though that’s not why my presence became scare.  I was seriously unwell for a number of years; then David and my mom were seriously unwell, simultaneously, and over these past five years, with the birth of my grand daughter, Ravi, Mondays and Thursdays saw me enjoying this precious child, all day long, until Steven would come from the office and join us for dinner.  My enjoyment of book club resumed once Ravi started school.😊

So, thank you, Barbara for your patience with my forgetfulness concerning answering these questions—having learned that chemo brain is a real thing, I choose to cut my forgetfulness the same sweetened slice of compassion that my heart offers my loved ones with generosity of spirit intact.😊

We four will have such fun when going to dinner with friends feels safe, again!  Be well😘
πŸ™‹πŸ»‍♀️😍Annie

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